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Looking back to it, maybe he had had more of a chance than he thought he did. He used to think love was something that happened to you, that you couldn’t control. Now that he’s a bit older and has some experience, he recognises that there’s some room for decision making. Sure, you can’t force love out of thin air. But you can choose to foster a small attraction, to make it grow. Or you can choose to kill it, to put it away in a box to die. You can choose to try and feel nothing, and you can even be successful to some degree. You can choose to try to make someone love you, as long as you understand that they don’t owe it to you (the one choice he never seemed to make). Ultimately, even if he thought it was something entirely out of his control, he had chosen to let those feelings grow inside of him, slowly, reveling in the happiness and pain that came with them. And then, after probably much too long, he had chosen to let it go, in the same quiet manner, utterly convinced he had not the smallest chance. Now that he knows himself better, he realises that wasn’t necessarily true. But he can’t change the past. And he doesn't think he wants to.
Quiet was a good word for it, cause he had told no one. Maybe he would, some day. When he could make it sound like a funny silly teenage crush. Cause that’s what it was, to him at least, now. When he was sure it would hurt no-one. Maybe even just as a passing by comment. To make someone laugh, incredulous. They would ask “Wait, really??? Asahi???” and he’d get the chance to laugh at himself, and say something like “I know right??? So not my type…” like he had one. He didn’t think he did, not really. He just liked kind people. With kind people, he could step out of his self designated role as the quiet, nice person in the group, and have fun being a little mean, teasing and making fun of them. That was the only way he knew how to flirt.
He sits up on the tiny table at his kitchen, as he pours himself some tea. He has 15 minutes before he has to leave for work, to the school filled with screaming children that he loves, but who also drain all of his energy, every single day. Lately he’s found himself saying he’s too busy for dating, too tired at the end of the day to do anything other than get some food, correct some homework, and go to bed. It’s a weird thing to figure out something about yourself, at the exact moment the words come out of your own mouth. Is that really the reason he has been staying home, at his apartment, every single day? He hadn’t thought about it. But when Daichi asked, half jokingly half seriously, that was the answer that came out of his mouth, not a moment's hesitation. And then the scene repeated itself, with his parents, a coworker, even the nice lady that he bought his eggs from.
After that he couldn’t stop thinking about his so-called love life. He had fallen in love many times, but it rarely came to be more than that: a crush, maybe a half attempt at a relationship. There’s something comforting and safe about an unrequited love. It saves you from actually trying to make something happen. It means you get to sigh and enjoy the melancholic feelings.
What a dumb thing to think , he thinks suddenly, smiling at the steaming cup. Is that the real reason why he’s holding back on love? Maybe the only reason he liked Asahi after all was because he thought the tall handsome man would never like him back. Because there were no risks. The sun is leaking through the windows, slow on an autumn morning. He should probably get going now.
On the walk to the school (it’s only about 15 blocks away) he feels his cell phone buzz in his pocket. He takes it out to find a message from Noya on their “Crows” group chat. He looks at the photo Noya sent, of him and Asahi smiling widely, in front of some ancient building. Noya with a finger poking Asahi’s side to make him laugh properly, instead of the awkward smile he usually plasters on, when he sees a camera lense. He smiles and answers with all the heart emojis he can find. Even now that he looks at Asahi thinking “I could’ve pulled that”, he doesn’t regret keeping the one year long crush to himself. They just wouldn’t have been right together. He knows it. Besides, even if he doesn’t really believe in soulmates or any of those type of things, there was something that ringed “meant to be” about Asahi and Noya, and he had been one of the greatest supporters (not to say instigator) of the match. Honestly, he considered them one of the finest examples of his matchmaking skills.
The day they met Noya, he saw it in Asahi’s eyes, as he looked at the hiperkinetic gremlin, as he heard him say dumb shit about the school’s uniforms and then proceded to perform the best receive they had all seen in months. Asahi’s eyes glittered, with that excited fear. And he just knew. He was good with that stuff. Sure, it had taken f o r e v e r for Asahi to finally make a move, so long he had even begun to doubt. Not that he was head over hills for Noya, he never doubted that. But that something would actually happen, especially since Asahi seemed to be purposely wasting every single opportunity, and Noya seemed like he had given up on them being anything other than platonic. He had heard him talk to Tanaka about it, one day, eavesdropping by accident.
He came back to the locker room to fetch something he had forgotten, only to find him saying in a sad voice “I don’t know Ryu. I don’t think he feels the same way. Even if he’s too dumb to see that i’m flirting… if he liked me he would’ve tried something himself.”
“Nah, it’s Asahi we’re talking about! He’s a wimp! He’s probably terrified you don’t like him back or some dumb shit like that.”
Koushi found himself nodding vigorously, as he stayed still a couple steps from the room.
“I don’t think it’s that.” and then a sigh and some shuffling of stuff. “Maybe it’s just not meant to be. Besides, it 's fine. I don’t mind being just friends. Come on, let’s go. Your sister’s gonna be mad if we’re late for dinner.” He sounded like his usual self again but Koushi still felt a jab in his heart from how he had sounded at first, so defeated. And all because Asahi was a dumb dumb.
They hadn’t noticed he was outside listening, and he managed to retrieve his scarf, as he made a promise to himself. He wasn’t going to allow them to stay apart just because of silly miscommunication. He wasn’t going to let it be something that came out years later, as a passing comment, Noya laughing it off like it meant nothing, like it had been just a crazy crush, all of them going along with it, on one of their sporadic get togethers. He wasn’t gonna let this be just a joke.
But then they graduated and still, they hadn’t even hold hands, or wathever stupid thing Asahi considered to be the right first step, even with all of his guidance and help. Daichi had begun saying that maybe he was going to be the winner of that bet after all (Koushi was unbeaten after predicting and betting on Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, Hinata and Kageyama, Kenma and Kuroo, and even Akaashi and Bokuto, who had turned out to be dating already, against Daichi, who wholeheartedly believed it was impossible there was so much romance behind the courts).
But one day, after they had finally managed to arrange a day to go out and have a beer and something to eat with Daichi, Asahi and Shimizu, he finally got his perfect chance, what he had been plotting for.
Daichi was telling them about this girl that worked at the gym where he trained, about how she had walked up to him to talk, and ended up giving him her number, to go out eat and maybe play some volleyball. The girl had said she had just moved, and didn’t know anyone there, so Daichi was wondering if maybe, she just wanted to be friends. She didn’t, and it was obvious, but Daichi could be pretty headstrong when he wanted, and so, with Shimizu’s help, they had begun to read out from his text convo with her, every single evidence that lead them to think that she obviously wanted to, at least, take him to bed.
After enumerating all the reasons:
- she had texted him right after dinner saying she had had “so much fun, and i hope we can do this again soon, 😏😜😘” (the choice of emojis was the important aspect of this text).
- she had casually and unpromptedly pointed out that she was single, and wanted that to change
- she had, very smoothly actually, inquired about his own civil status
- she often made comments about how strong he looked and how much she would like to better see that body that he spent so much time working on…. which came off a bit too strong for Suga’s liking, but in her defense, at that point, she was probably about to quit it, cause Daichi didn’t seem to be getting the hints
That was the point at which Asahi, who had stayed mostly silent throughout the whole situation, gasped, with a horrified look on his face.
“Oh my god” he said, and everyone turned to look at him. “Guys… I think Noya might have liked me when we were in highschool…”
Koushi could feel how everyone’s worried looks turned annoyed and incredulous.
“You didn’t know?” asked the always quiet Shimizu, sounding like she couldn’t believe her ears.
Asahi looked confused at all of them.
“Wait, did you guys-”
“Everyone knew Asahi.” said Daichi, followed by a heavy sigh. “I’m gonna go get some more beer.”
Koushi wanted to mock him further but he had more important things to do
“How does that make you feel?” he asked, feeling like a bad movie rendition of a therapist.
Asahi blushed heavily, before replying, his eyes on the beer can warming up between his big hands.
“Well… I always thought he was cute but.. nevermind, it’s not important, I lost my chance.” He was getting gloomy by the second, and Koushi wanted to hit him in the head with a chair.
“No one said that.” muttered Daichi, coming back with another can.
Asahi looked up at him, hope in his eyes. Koushi took his phone out of his pocket, as Shimizu nodded, and said
“I’m pretty sure he still feels the same way about you Azumane-san.”
“Well, we’re gonna find out soon” began Koushi, smiling mischievously, as he explained, showing the screen from his phone “cause i just texted him saying you’re drunk and asking for him.”
The face Asahi made made it all worth it. He heard gaps from the rest of the table, as he felt the phone vibrate.
“Oh, would you look at that? He's saying that he was actually thinking he wanted to get out to get a bit of fresh air, and asking about our location.”
Asahi launched forward, grabbing the phone from Koushi’s hands, to look at the texts.
“I can’t believe you did that” he said, incredulous, his voice low and terrified. “I’m not even that drunk.” he added, and Koushi’s smile widened.
“I know, so you better get at it.”
Koushi spent the rest of the night shocked at how well his little stunt had worked. Noya showed up about ten minutes later to find a drunk and flustered Asahi, who kept saying how much he missed him. Koushi knew Asahi wasn’t a good enough actor to be doing anything other than finally voicing some of his badly hidden feelings. They went home that night together, and after a couple days of radio silence, he got a message from Noya saying “Thanks ;)”.
A couple years down the road and there they were, traveling the world. Suga felt none of the pain he had felt at first when the flirting had started, and he had made up his mind to not meddle with it. Now that he thought about it, he wasn’t even sure it had truly hurt. But sad feelings often get minimized after the fact, so he was probably fooling himself. It most likely did hurt, but he had done nothing about it, always the spectator.
The day at the school goes by slowly at times, and vertiginously fast at other times. Quiet muted moments in the teachers room, and vibrant loud moments with his kids in the classroom. He says goodbye to each one of them as he sends them off to their parents, too little to walk home alone yet. Then he goes back to the classroom when he realizes he forgot his scarf there, a habit hard to shake apparently.
He found himself looking through the window to the school field, where the volleyball kids were waiting at the gym doors for their couch to show up to open them. Before he knew what he was doing, he was walking there, opening up the gym for them, while instructing them to start prepping until the coach arrived. And he did, a couple minutes after, breathing heavily, profusely apologizing for the late arrival. He had had a car problem, he informed them, and only after several minutes of apologies, he looked surprised at Koushi, still giving directions to the kids.
He introduced himself to the embarrassed man, a rather petit but athletic brunet, with extremely short, but not shaved hair. He explained he had seen them waiting at the doors, and that he knew that the keys for the classrooms were the same for all the rooms in the building. The coach asked if he liked volleyball, and Koushi laughed before explaining he had even gone to nationals with his team from Karasuno. Not surprisingly, the coach recognized the name of many of his ex-teammates. Particularly Kageyama and Hinata, who now played for the national team. But what did surprise him, was how the coach insisted on him staying till practice was over, to give his opinion on the team.
Koushi felt the answer almost immediately roll off his tongue “No, i’m sorry. I’m too tired, maybe another day.” He shook it off, while the coach looked at him confused.
“Of course!” he smiled, and went to leave his stuff on one of the chairs. The coach smiled at him, and Koushi’s mouth went “But you’ll have to invite me for a beer in return”. The way he flushed made him conclude that, most definitely, he was his type. And this time, he wasn’t going to be just a spectator.