Chapter Text
Donghyuck stared at the ceiling and counted the tacky stars that were plastered on. The florescent patches lost a lot of their shine after a year or so, but even so he still found some comfort in what glow they still had to offer in the dark of his room when he was alone with his thoughts. Johnny had helped him in putting them on, he even suggested if the younger wanted to put them in the shape of any constellations, but the latter declined, saying he didn’t really want to put more effort into it then he needed to. Still, Johnny ended up doing just one anyway: Ursa Minor
“It reminds me of you.” Johnny had said, patting Donghyuck’s head. “Little bear fits you pretty well.”
Donghyuck’s bottom lip was jutted out as he stared at the constellation, his brows scrunched in concentration. “Isn’t that the Little Dipper?”
Johnny paused, looking up to examine what the boy was looking at. “I think they might be the same.”
“Are you actually sure?”
Johnny grinned, sheepishly. “No, not really.”
Donghyuck had chosen to stare at the constellation a bit longer that night, when Johnny had long since began to softly snore in the background and the faint hum of their humidifier filled the rest of the silence in between. The neon glow was bright in his eyes, and the longer he stared the more it seemed as if he were staring off into the universe, surrounded by the remaining stars while acting like he was at the center of it all. A burning ball of radiant fire in a vast space, grand and powerful in his own way, beautiful and luminous incomparable to anything.
Sooner or later the vision would blink away, and he would return to looking at the tacky and slightly crooked stars that he had bought online for fifteen thousand won.
Ursa Minor. Little Bear. Donghyuck liked it.
Fast forward and Donghyuck now stared at the stars with indifference. Their beauty had dimmed, or at least maybe the magic they had once held had faded. Maybe he just got tired of looking at them every night. They had become dull and worn out and Johnny had made a comment about replacing them with new ones, but Donghyuck remained reserved.
There wasn’t any point to, not when it was never his idea originally to have gotten them. Mark had been the one to talk about the stars from the beginning. “It’d be cool to have a little reminder, you know?” Mark had told the younger when he was sprawled out on Donghyuck’s bed with Donghyuck right beside him. Their skin was barely brushing aside from their elbows, and Mark with his arm tucked under his head continued to stare at the dark ceiling.
“A reminder for what exactly?” Donghyuck had asked.
Mark would turn his head, his dark eyes shimmering from the little bit of moonlight that trickled in through the curtains that desperately tried to veil their small world.
“That we’re reaching for the stars. That that’s where we’re heading.”
Donghyuck snorts. “God, that was so fucking cheesy, Mark Lee. I’m never gonna let you forget that.”
Donghyuck made sure to tease Mark about it for the next few days after that till his ears turned red, but within that small yet intimate moment in their own little world, Donghyuck vowed to create an entire universe if it meant having Mark by his side.
It was laughable thinking about it now. Back then it made so much sense, it only felt natural that he poured his heart out and had served it Mark, ardently and without shame. The cheap desperation of wanting to hold onto love when that love didn’t care to have you. Not when that love was thousands of miles away and had gradually forfeited from even attempting proper contact with Donghyuck in an amount of time that felt incomparable in his small space, the space between the rest of the world and the stars he had mapped out and created himself.
It really was laughable the more he really put thought into it. Everything began to change right after he had gotten those stupid stars in the first place. Mark never got to witness them, hadn’t even been to his room since, not when the SuperM promotions had begun to kick off. Donghyuck had been proud, ecstatic even when he had found out about the lineup and what this meant for his members, but most especially he felt it strongly for Mark. It felt like a part of him was also experiencing that success, that excitement that they talked about as kids and the thrill of being able to experience it together. It was a promise that was bounded together with their pinkies, and only the moon above them had been their witness.
Days turned to weeks and a month passed before he heard of any news.
“Taeyong and Mark are gonna be coming back tonight.” Doyoung had said as he sat across from the Donghyuck, watching as the youngest picked at the food in front of him. His appetite hadn’t been the best the last month and it led to him losing weight a bit too quickly for Doyoung and the rest of the member’s liking. They hadn’t commented on it but they were well aware something was wrong, had been for a very long time now, yet none came up front to ask.
Donghyuck nodded. “Taeyong hyung told me last night. They’re gonna be arriving late tomorrow.”
There was a pause. “Have you spoken to Mark?”
Donghyuck mentally scoffed, a bit of bitter humor gushing into his bloodstream. It was very Doyoung to rip the bandage fresh off the wound. “Sure, I talk to him every other night. Says he’s super excited to be home soon.”
Doyoung doesn’t respond immediately, instead knitting his brows together as he seemed to closely stare into the boy’s soul, gouging out his emotions in a way Donghyuck knew was futile to shy away from. His hyung’s intuitiveness was something he had learned not to test or question.
“He hasn’t spoken much to any of us. Don’t take it the wrong way. I’m sure he’s just busy, Donghyuck.”
Soft words of reassurance were perhaps what he needed months ago, maybe even a year ago, but it wasn’t what he needed now. He felt no cheap thrill at the prospect of actually being taken account of, of actually being thought of. Every millennia Donghyuck felt himself pining and longing, stuck in the vast darkness with nothing to ground him, was merely a minuscule minute in Mark’s life, Mark who had let Donghyuck’s heart shrivel in his own hands when he refused to accept what was given to him. Mark who was far too grand and bright to compare to the stars of their own universe.
Had he expressed these feelings to the any of the members he knew he would only be met with judgement or pity. It was in the nasty bubbling feeling that rose in his stomach and the trembling tightness that was evident in his chest. A bitter aftertaste in his mouth that burned the back of his throat and hurt to swallow. He felt ridiculous, pathetic even, and it was all his own damn fault.
Somewhere along the line they became distant. Donghyuck can’t pinpoint exactly when but it started around the time SuperM was announced to the whole company, and thus began the setup of the team. The way his features gradually grew more defined from weight loss and how his dark circles became more prominent, Donghyuck was worried about Mark. The older of course usually brushed it off, never really talked about the hardships and the stress that it took on his body and was always tight lipped whenever Donghyuck would ask about how practices were going.
Donghyuck used to be able to handle it. He knew that Mark was only struggling. He was working his hardest and Donghyuck would never be able to imagine it, never in a million years, the amount of effort and passion he did in everything thrown at him no matter how tired he was. For how much effort Donghyuck would put into work, Mark would put it three times as much, and it showed. It showed in their individual popularity, in their schedules, in the way the staff would continuously praise and compliment him while Donghyuck only watched, proud nonetheless despite the ache in his chest. He and Mark were too far apart, he was at a point where Donghyuck could only dream to be at but was in no way capable to get to.
“I’ll clean up later, Hyung.” He said as he stood up, his bowl still full while he looked at the older man in front of him. “I’m gonna head to bed now.”
Doyoung stayed silent and continued to stare at the boy, and god it got under Donghyuck’s skin. Being perceived so deeply made him feel exposed, naked. Judged by eyes that saw under his façade, and while Donghyuck knew his hyung loved him and wished for nothing but the best for him, he couldn’t handle it. Not now. Not when everything inside his head was swirling.
“Okay. Sleep well. It’s rare for us to have breaks so make the most of it and recharge.”
Donghyuck closed the door behind him, his back sliding down the door till he sat on the floor, legs pulled up to his chest.
It was ugly, the feeling in his stomach that seemed to crawl it’s way up like a coming sickness all while Donghyuck’s stomach was empty. There were no contents in it to spill out and hide with the sound of the shower on while he lurched over the toilet of his bathroom. He had long since spilled out his tears and his guts that now nothing was left. The side of his head began to thump, a familiar pounding that rocked his skull and made him groan. The headaches he would get from crying were miserable, and it left his throat dry and hoarse while he felt himself die another night hidden under the covers. Yet Donghyuck found the headaches that came from no tears were the worst. It tore his head apart, squeezing from all sides of his skull and the pressure would only increase.
He can’t remember the last time he had proper sleep. He felt tired yet restless at the same. He could never stay in bed for long, and in the rare times he would sleep for long periods, he would only wake up feeling just as tired if not more than before.
Donghyuck buried his face in between his knees, closing his eyes as he felt the painful pounding vibrate through his ears.
I’m so sick of myself.
Really, how did he become such a mess? It was pathetic. The shitty thing about it was that it all stemmed from his own selfishness. It all came down to the fact that he couldn’t handle it, couldn’t handle the comparisons. It was killing him slowly.
He saw the comments, he saw what everyone had to say, even with all the kind words and sweet messages, there was always an ugliness that lived underneath all that, and Donghyuck always managed to dig his way to see that very ugliness despite knowing how much it would hurt him. But he was desperate, he had to know what everyone had to say, he had to see for himself or else it would never leave him alone. This was the lie he carefully crafted to tell himself whenever he would scroll through different social media apps, comment sections, and videos talking about him, knowing deep down that all he knew at this point was to take the negatives and pour it into himself, to hold it inside till he’d explode. He was a supernova ready to wipe out everything in front of him.
He licked his lips, feeling the chapped skin against his tongue. It tasted metallic, the terrible habit of biting his lips coming back to haunt him.
Why did people talk so much? Why did their words sting? It was painful. He felt at times like he couldn’t breath. He was stuck in limbo between acknowledging that those words meant nothing, and allowing the voice behind his head whisper that they meant everything.
Replaceable.
Unnecessary.
Forgettable.
‘Not a single solo schedule, not any bit of uniqueness to stand out among twenty two other individuals’
‘Almost around the same age, and debuted around the same time, but Mark is still miles ahead of Haechan.’
‘It’s a little sad really. He never really stood a chance the moment Mark debuted; at that point he’d just be an overshadowed supporting character in comparison.’
He’d read them all, seen them all, and at some point it all came crashing down. The ticking of a clock that finally reached its designated moment. It surged over him in waves, intense and harsh and cold while he struggled to hold his head above the water.
But eventually, eventually the water weighs you down, and you start to realize: you can’t ignore those feelings any longer. The way it pulls you in and rocks your body, you start to tell yourself that you don’t want to waste anymore energy fighting it anymore. Your wounds are fresh and your body is too tired, and so eventually, you let yourself sink. You allow the water to take you down under, falling into the deep end.
When was the last time he and Mark talked?
Aside from passing comments and trivial conversations that led nowhere, Donghyuck couldn’t remember a time where any of it felt personal, felt the same sort of intimacy that they once shared when they both smiled and looked at each other with bright eyes, holding the stars of our universe.
The work was eating up Mark’s time, he knew and realized this deep within his mind and even with that he couldn’t quite find himself gaining comfort from that fact, being able to come up with a reason for what’s happened between them.
The cold shoulder was new, the blank stares and passive sighs became traits Donghyuck was familiar with when it came to the older boy. But the occasional sharp glares and curt replies had added on to the wounds. Mark would apologize after, only a little while after his head managed to clear up, but that was all he did. Vague and short apologies that led nowhere. Donghyuck would tell himself it was only passing periods in which Mark would become such a stranger to him, but then in that moment it came to him:
Why should he be making excuses for Mark?
He was happy for Mark, so extremely happy that his hard work and years of effort were paying off. His heart used to swell with pride knowing that his best friend had achieved so much.
But at the same time, he wasn’t happy.
How could he?
How couldn’t he?
It was bound to happen is what a voice in his head argues. Every second spent looking at Mark rise, is a second spent staring helplessly at someone who was slowly becoming out of reach.
Mark’s win wasn’t Donghyuck’s loss, he knew this deep down, but he couldn’t help getting caught up in it all.
Watching him smile and have fun with SuperM, in pictures and vlogs and Instagram clips while Mark he knew only gave him looks of annoyance and contempt had something tighten in Donghyuck’s chest.
Did Mark look down on him? Did he hate Donghyuck? Was Donghyuck no longer an equal in his eyes?
The more those thoughts piled on, the more the panic began to rise in his heart.
No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t think that. Mark was his closest person, the one who knew him the most and the person whom Donghyuck knew better than the back of his hand.
But am I really? The thought poked through the hole of his thoughts. How long can I pretend that we’re at all the same people we were before, that Mark is the same Mark I knew before?
Donghyuck wanted to cry, wanted to let out all his frustrations and let the tears fall so he can let go of those ugly feelings lurking inside him. But no tears came, they had all dried up long ago, and so now it all came out as choked cries of a wounded, pathetic animal.
He was pathetic.
But he didn’t have to be.
Donghyuck’s breathing had slowed, his headache was slowly subsiding.
He didn’t have to stay in the shadows. He didn’t have to hide away from someone else’s light.
Donghyuck didn’t have to stay exactly the way he was. He didn’t have to yearn for Mark to give him a moment of his time, for the older boy to look his way the same way as he used to.
He wanted to be equal. He wanted to stand up tall and be proud of himself. He wanted to be above what everyone had to say about him.
He wanted to be bright and beautiful as he ever imagined.
A pained laugh let his lips, the meaning of his words sinking in. Jealousy was an ugly thing that reared it’s head into his life, but within it, it gave Donghyuck clarity.
He wanted to live up to the weight of his name. A full sun. A star so bright it blinds you if you’re too close. Donghyuck wanted that.
Inside the walls of his shared room, he had a promise to himself.
He had gotten up early the next morning. The revelation of the other night had left him energized, providing him the deepest sleep he had in the longest time he could remember. He had an early practice with Dream for their upcoming comeback and so the 127 hyungs were still asleep by the time he went out into the kitchen, minus Doyoung.
The elder was already up making breakfast, looking to see their maknae walk out of his room, freshly showered and dressed in his normal practice attire.
“I knew you had that thing with Dream today so I wanted to make you something since you didn’t eat last night.” He said as he stirred whatever was in the pan. Donghyuck guessed pancakes.
“Thanks hyung but I’m not-”
“Wrong answer. You’re eating and that’s not up for debate.”
The younger groaned. Although his sleep had improved overnight he still wasn’t quite ready to get his normal appetite back. Besides, a part of him worried that if he ate too much, during practice he’ll feel too bloated or heavy to dance properly.
“It’s fine hyung, really. Please. I’ll eat when I get back, I just can’t right now.”
The older must’ve taken pity on the boy, because he gave in quick as he sighed. “Fine. But drink some orange juice at least.”
Doyoung eventually made him drink two glasses instead of one by the time the manager picked Donghyuck up for practice.
He sat in his usual spot, the spot that was designated to him by dreamies whenever they would all join together in the van. He stared He stared out the window with one earbud in, a Daniel Caesar song playing lightly before his manager interrupted the comfortable silence.
“Taeyong and Mark are coming back tonight.” He told Donghyuck. “We’re planning on going out for a congratulatory dinner for their success in the states. Just putting that out there in case any of the Hyungs forgot to tell you.”
Donghyuck barely remembers Johnny bringing it up the other day, but that was about it. He hummed as a response to his manager’s question. “They said something like that, yeah.”
There was an awkward pause in between as though the manager was hesitating to say something, and it confused Donghyuck until the man finally broke the pause. “I’ve heard from the SuperM managers that Mark’s been meaning to talk to you about something.”
Donghyuck felt something weird tug at his stomach. “Is he not able to call me or something?” Considering I know for a fact he talks to the other Hyungs nearly every day.
“I’m…not sure.” Was all the manager said, sensing the bit of edge in Donghyuck’s voice.
Of course not. Mark only reached out when it was easiest for him, when it fit his schedule and Donghyuck be damned if he ever tried to reach out first. He couldn’t even find himself being able to linger on the fact that Mark wanted to talk to him. Donghyuck’s time never mattered, not to Mark, and perhaps not even to the company. But soon enough, that was going to change.
“Hyung,” Donghyuck said, the resolve in his voice firm as he formed his next words. “I want to talk about getting some solo schedules.”