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She had every intention of going back to AC-12. Really she did. But when the offer of a promotion to DCI of MIT is handed to her, she thinks about Hastings only promoting her to DI because Steve got thrown down several flights of stairs; of Ros Huntleys condescension of only being a DC at 32; of Mark’s hateful words spat at her in one of their many arguments of “all she’s given up for a job she’s not even good at” and she finds herself accepting.
Steve is pissed to say the least. They’d just got their friendship back on track but it was still a fragile thing. For all his bravado, she knows he’s partly annoyed because she’d made DCI before him, eve if that’s completely irrational given shes been a DI for two years longer than he has. She’s not forgotten how painful his jealousy was when she was looking to be promoted at the same time as him. This somehow feels worse. She knows he’s going through a lot, that he had wanted her back with him in AC-12 to help him through his addiction but she is not a tool that exists solely for his comfort. She’s been through some fairly awful shit herself. As keenly as she feels the loss of his friendship once again, she has spent her life putting herself at the bottom of the pile for other people, she doesn’t want to do that any more. She thought he would understand. He feels abandoned and she feels angry that he can’t look past himself and just be happy for her for once. It’s an obstacle she doesn’t think they will over come for a while.
Her loneliness is an ever-expanding pit.
On her first official day in charge, she is summoned by Chief Inspector Osbourne himself. She realises quickly she is being set up to fail. It’s not hard to work out that Osbourne’s goal was to split up AC-12 and she had fell for it hook, line and sinker. He spends a full hour detailing that her ‘escapade’ with Jo Davidson had not been forgotten. He makes it crystal clear that she has been given the job as the team needed “consistency” after Davidson and Buckells but that “one misstep” will have her served with a Red Notice faster than she can blink. There is no one to blame but her if MIT fails now she is the DCI. He doesn’t go so far as to say that he has promoted her simply because its easier to dismiss her for whatever fabricated reason he can make stick but the intention is clearly implied.
As she gets up to leave, he moves round the desk to stand in front of her so fast she misses the warning signs. He is looming over her, invading her personal space, before she can get out properly from in front of her chair. The hard seat of the chair digs into the backs of her knees as she tries and fails to recoil away from him. He’s much bigger than her, she’d never taken much stock of that before now, had only ever really seen him in passing or on her TV stating that there is “No institutionalised corruption within the force”. She places a professional but indifferent look on her face but inside her heart is thumping in her chest. He is trying to intimidate her and it is working; even though she doesn’t want it to be.
“AC-12 made a fool of me Kate, you should know that I have a very long memory.” His words are quieter now, he wants her to know she’s fucked with the wrong man. It rankles that she didn’t really fuck with anyone, she’s just bloody good at her job. She’s stared down the barrel of a gun too many times for this to truly frighten her but unease seeps through as she holds eye contact, waiting for him to step back so she can leave the room. He holds her there, demonstrating his power for a few moments more before he turns away. Asshole.
She wants to run straight out of the room and into the nearest shower to wash the whole distasteful meeting off her skin. What she actually does is hold her breath as she walks calmly from the room.
She hasn’t felt this way since she was with Mark. When the OCG are holding a gun or a baseball bat to your face, its not personal. They want to hurt you because you are in their way. Ryan hadn’t hated her; he was an evil little bastard that hated the world. He’d killed anyone that he had been told to like a good little soldier and Kate just happened to be the next person on that list. Thank fuck she was a much better shot than him. She’s not proud of it but Mark had wanted to hurt her because he could. Essentially, she’d let him.
First, he’d used words, vile hateful words that made her feel about two inches tall. When they stopped having as much of an effect on her, he’d used his fists. She never fought back because years of him constantly eroding her self-esteem made her feel like she’d deserved it; still does really for all her sins. It hadn’t got violent until they’d got back together the second time. It was a bad idea from start to finish. Mark’s anger about her affair and her job had festered rather than abated with time. She’d agreed to get back together mainly so she could spend more time with Josh. Their rows had always been vitious. They knew how to use their words to hurt each other and never held back, this time he’d taken it one step further. The first time his fist had sunk into her stomach, visions of Dot bleeding out after taking shots meant for her and Danny Waldron bleeding out in her arms had flashed through her brain. All fight had left her and she’d almost welcomed the pain. She’s a fucking idiot for staying in that situation for as long as she did, considering she could have stopped it pretty much at any time. She probably should have had more than one session with Occupational Health. She’s had a tendency towards self flagellation for years but this was probably its most ugly rearing.
The meeting with Osbourne carried the same energy of a man wanting to hurt her just because he could. There’s a famous phrase that sticks in her head by Margaret Attwood “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” Ain’t that the truth. She walks calmly to the back of the building, takes out her emergency pack of cigarettes and lights one up. She lets her lungs fill with nicotine and tar until she feels as if she can breathe steadily again. The irony is not lost on her.
Her first few weeks as the DCI of MIT are frustrating. No one is outright insubordinate but its clear that her ‘escapade’ with Jo hasn’t been forgotten by them either. It feels insane to her that 15 years of professionalism and exemplary results have been wiped out by one joyride in Steve’s car with her undefined boss/ friend with feelings. She knows its more than that though. The team know that she was both close with Jo and was also instrumental in her getting caught. There are different factions within the team, some feel she betrayed Jo and some feel like given her background she should have caught Jo and Buckells sooner. This just feeds the guilt she feels about Jo and the whole confusing mess of feelings that has left behind.
Its tough going and she feels like she’s back to the early days of her original transfer of having to work ten times as hard as everyone else to prove herself. It doesn’t go unnoticed that the only one putting in the same sort of hours as her is Chris Lomax. He doesn’t say much, never has really, but she knows he shuts down the gossip about her, has heard him do it when they all either think she can’t hear them in her office or don’t care if she can or not.
It gets worse when Osbourne makes his move. The DSU position that Buckells had occupied has been open since his arrest. Osbourne fills it with James Lenton. James Lenton is a colossal prick. He is both better and infinitely worse than Buckells’ corruption masked as incompetence.
It seems to Kate like it is his personal mission to undermine her at every opportunity. He denies requests for the most benign reasons, meaning Kate has to personally check every single piece of paperwork her team submits if she wants anything to get done. Lenton uses the excuse of Jo and Buckells previous corruption and uses the phrase “whiter than white” on so many occasions that she has to physically restrain herself from punching the smug look from his face every time he says it. She just knows that he has instructions from Osbourne to make life as difficult for her as possible.
“It’s nothing personal Katherine” He says in his clipped, smug bastard, Etonian, ‘everything ive ever wanted has been handed to me’ tone. “Given the history of this department I think we need to ensure every I is dotted and every T is crossed. Whiter than White Katherine.” This particular denial rankles as its in front of everyone in the morning briefing. They all know that they don’t have the time to submit a new request before this lead will be free in the wind. She finishes the briefing and walks straight outside for a cigarette. She can’t be in the same room as Lenton right now.
She makes her counter move swiftly after this particular set back and sets the wheels in motion to promote Lomax to her empty DI vacancy. She considered tapping up Steve but she doesn’t know if there relationship is strong enough to survive her being properly in charge of him right now. It would have been nice to have him as an ally but she doesn’t want to completely write off their friendship to do it. Plus she still needs an in with Anti-Corruption, however mercenary that makes her.
Promoting Chris turns out to be one of her better ideas. He’s just there. He wordlessly picks up the slack and bridges the gap between the two factions within the team, finally allowing her to get to a place where she can do her job without constantly worrying about how Lenton is going to fuck her over at any given point.
It’s three months into his promotion when he finally bucks up the courage to say what has clearly been on his mind for a while.
They are alone in the office, working in the briefing room at separate ends of the conference table, wrapping up the evidence in their first closed case. It’s 8pm and although when she told everyone to go home and rest after what has been a gruelling case she appreciates that he has stayed to help with the mountain of paperwork they need to get through to make the conviction stick. Her eyes are tired and her head is pounding. She’s been running on black coffee and enthusiasm until they’d got their man.
The pressure had eased somewhat but that doesn’t mean its gone. She feels Lenton and Osbourne breathing down her neck as if they are physically right behind her every minute of every day. She’s never been all that great at looking after herself in the midst of a case and the fact that she feels like a bit of a fraud in her new position is making that worse. Its partly dedication to the job and partly her aforementioned tendency towards self flagellation that makes her live in a permanent state of exhaustion. She was out in the field, running point for the team apprehending the suspect until 2am but was still up at 4am for her standard two hours in the gym before getting to the office first at 7am. Killer abs don’t come for free and they also mean she is often too tired for the nightmares to hit. Sleep is for the weak anyway.
“You don’t have to try so hard you know.” She idly notes its nice to hear an accent like hers after all of those years being mildly conscious of being the most “common” person on the team until what Chris is saying registers with her. Before she has a chance to respond he carries on.
“The team respects you and even those that blame you for what happened to Jo know you did the right thing deep down. It’s early days but you’re a good DCI. Just uhm, thought you should know that.” Chris ducks his head back down in an attempt to plough back through his paperwork but she can see that the tips of his ears are red. She blames her exhaustion for the fact that she can feel tears prickle behind her eyes. It’s been so long since someone said something nice to her with no ulterior motive.
She had thought that she had that with Jo, that finally she had found someone who just wanted to be there for her and let her be there for them too. Her feelings for Jo were confusing but very real. That is until the real feelings got mixed up in the lies and Jo tried to have her killed. Then every interaction they had had up until that point felt tainted by Jo’s forced choices and Kate’s guilty manipulations. She wasn’t pretending but she wasn’t exactly honest either. Just another thing to add to the list of multiple things she feels the constant weight of guilt for.
She composes herself enough to respond. “Thanks Chris. You’re doing a good job too, I’ve made some shitty decisions this past year but promoting you wasn’t one of them.”
He frowns. That’s odd. She thought he would appreciate the compliment.
“You don’t need to do that either. Constantly put yourself down I mean. From what I know you made good decisions based on the information you had. It’s what separates a good copper from a bad one. Not everyone is out to punish you for things you did in the line of duty.” This time he looks straight at her when he says his piece. She can’t meet his gaze. In her experience pretty much everyone punishes her for every decision she makes, whether in the line of duty or not. She doesn’t know what to do with such earnest sincerity.
It feels awkward to be seen as Kate the person and not Kate the undercover officer or Kate the bad mother or Kate the adulterer or Kate the divorcee.
She nods awkwardly before attempting to change the subject to remove the odd semi intimate atmosphere that’s been created. “You should go home, your shift ended hours ago and you must have someone waiting up for you at home. I can finish this up.” She plasters a smile on her face to cover up her dread at finishing what is quite clearly hours more paperwork on her own but the thought of him sitting across from her earnestly telling her what a good copper she is makes the weight of her unworthiness sit even heavier on her shoulders.
He raises a challenging eyebrow at her, his voice firm in his declinature of her request. “Nope, got no one waiting for me at home. I’ll stay until you go home.”
They stay for another two hours until Kate’s head is pounding as caffeine come down and exhaustion coincide and she can no longer reliably see what is written on the paperwork in front of her. She rises from her chair too quickly as her back cracks and her muscles scream at her from being in one position for too long. Her head spins and she slaps her palms down onto the table to stop the blackness that’s seeping into the corners of her vision.
“You OK Boss? No offense but you look like shit” Chris puts a tentative hand to her back as she sways on her feet. It’s the most human contact shes had in months and she feels pathetic for leaning into it just a bit.
“Charming.” She croaks out. “I’m fine, just got up too fast. I’ll be all right in a minute.” Even though his words were phrased as banter she shies away from the care in his voice. She’s never been very good at being looked after and her words come out a bit sharper than she intended.
He doesn’t seem to be phased by her tone. “As an officer of the law, I don’t feel its safe for you to drive home.” His hand goes back to the small of her back and he starts leading her out of the building before she has really clocked onto what’s happening. “Come on, I’ll give you a lift home.”
“You have remembered I’m your boss right?” She petulantly grumbles but doesn’t put up much more of a fight. He’s right, she probably would fall asleep at the wheel in the state she’s in.
He drives her home. The only slightly more comfortable silence punctuated only by her soft directions.
That night becomes the catalyst for a change in their relationship. From then on he is most decidedly Chris and no longer Lomax in her mind.
It takes her longer than she would like to realise what’s happening considering she has been a detective for a number of years. His determination to stay at the office for exactly as long as she does means she automatically leaves a little bit earlier than she would normally because she feels guilty for keeping him there so late. On days where the relentless pressure from Lenton gets to be so much she needs to go out for a sneaky fag, he will be there with her, lighter in hand calling Lenton a a new colourful curse word until she smiles.
(Her favourite so far is dick weasel.)
When her hands are shaking from the affects of too much caffeine after a late night caused by work or her ever present nightmares, a cup of camomile and honey tea will appear at the side of her desk along with the only brand of protein bars that she likes. The pile of paperwork that reaches her is ever so slightly smaller than it used to be and the amount of mistakes she has to correct gets less and less as her team step up to the plate, following in the wake of the success they have had and the example Chris is setting. She hears less and less whispers about her past and more and more members of the team begin to reach out to her. So much so that she finds herself finally accepting their offers to join them in the pub for one on a Friday night.
(She still only has one drink and then leaves, no one really wants to drink too much with their boss after all.)
But slowly, ever so slowly, the pit of her loneliness begins to stop expanding and she feels more and more human as the weeks go by. Really its all because of Chris.
It feels different to the relationship’s she has had with Steve and Jo. She trusts Steve with her life out in the field but she can see now that their relationship had always been a tad one sided. Steve had needed taking care of, always on the verge of letting his emotions control him and making a rash decision, she was the one that was always there to bring him back. Sure, he’d looked after her when Mark had changed the locks but other than that there is no other occasion when he has really thought about her mental or physical wellbeing if it didn’t relate to the job.
Jo was different. She’d had crushes on women before but never anything she’d contemplated acting on before. She was a ball of contradictions all wrapped up in a very attractive package. She was so so strong but also the most vulnerable person that Kate had ever met. When she looks back on it, she thinks that Jo was desperate for Kate to save her from the life she had found herself in. She understands why Jo needed that from her and ultimately that’s what she had given her with the offer of witness protection and a brand new start. Again, Jo never really considered what Kate might need or what the ramifications might be for her in the long run.
In every relationship she has ever had bare her relationship with her son, everybody had always been happy to take from her without thinking about what she might need or want. Chris just seems to care about her and her wellbeing, knowing what she needs without her having to even ask for it.
They become an almost invincible team. Even Lenton becomes slightly less prickish given the results they are getting and eventually the feeling of Osbourne breathing down her neck begins to lessen as well.
They are the only ones working in the office again when a question bursts out of Chris completely out of the blue.
“Did anything you know, happen with you and Jo?” Their relationship is different now and she feels more comfortable with him than she had all those months ago but she still isn’t sure where this particular question has come from or even how to begin to answer it. It’s not exactly an appropriate question to ask your boss but she does feel like she probably owes him a response given how staunchly he has defended her.
She looks up at him, they are in her office this time and there is only a foot of space and a desk in between them. He isn’t even pretending to work and looks like he’s as surprised by the question he has just asked as she is.
She shuffles on her seat and looks at her lap as she answers. “Yes and No. Its complicated.” That’s a cop out answer and she knows it. Its hard though, she’s had a very vague, uncomfortable conversation with Steve about this but other than that hasn’t really spoken to anyone about the fact that she and Jo were something more than Boss and subordinate. The guilt that always bubbles under the surface of her subconscious comes up and hits her full force. She feels like she needs to talk about this and Chris is probably the only person she can dot hat with, even if she is his boss.
“Nothing physical happened, but there were feelings there, I think on both sides.” She looks up expecting to see judgement in his eyes but finds none. “If we were different people maybe something could have actually happened but she was hiding this massive part of her and I think part of me realised that at least on some level so I never let it go further. It’s difficult for me to trust people given my past.”
She doesn’t know why that last part slips out but she realises with startling clarity right in that moment that she trusts Chris Lomax. Fully and completely. Their eyes lock and she gasps, the moment suddenly charged with tension that’s not been there before.
His voice is barely more than a whisper when he responds, “So it wasn’t because she was your boss then?”
She understand the context behind his original question now. “No, it was never because of that.” She whispers back.
“Do you trust me Kate?” She’s never heard her given name from his lips before. She likes it.
“Yeah I do.” She smiles and he returns it. She feels free for the first time in a very long time.