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Adamant: [ad-uh-muh nt, -mant]
adj: utterly unyielding in attitude or opinion in spite of all appeals, urgings,etc.
noun: any impenetrably or unyieldingly hard substance.
Fenris was in the library trying to distract himself with a book, when a commotion in the courtyard drew his attention to the window. He saw the Inquisition’s banners and felt hope rise in his heart. They’d finally returned!
He’d arrived at Skyhold two days ago, in search of Hawke. The fool man had taken off from their home while Fenris had been away, leaving nothing but a short note behind.
Fenris,
I received word from Varric, and I need to go help the Inquisition with something. I shouldn’t be gone long. He also confirmed your suspicions about the Tevinters that you’ve been fighting. They are apparently part of a cult, the Venatori, and are at least partially responsible for the Breach.
Please don’t follow me, Fenris. There is something going on with the Wardens and I’m already worried about Carver. Please...I don’t want to worry about you, too. Just wait for me, and I’ll be home before you know it.
I love you.
~Aric
At first, Fenris had allowed the guilt trip to work. But over the course of the next couple of weeks, those three little words that Hawke had added at the end of the letter haunted him more and more.
I love you.
It wasn’t that they hadn’t said it to each other over the years, but it wasn’t something that either of them said easily or often. It felt like it had been added to the end of the letter as a ‘just in case’. Fenris didn’t like that feeling. Whatever Hawke was doing, it was dangerous and he was worried he might not make it back. So after two weeks with no word, Fenris had left for Skyhold, guilt trip be damned.
He’d arrived several weeks later, only to be told that Hawke, along with the Warden Stroud and the rest of the Inquisition’s team, had gone off to Fort Adamant to stop the Grey Wardens from creating a demon army at the behest of a Venatori agent who was working for an ancient Tevinter magister.
Because of course that’s what Hawke was doing.
Alone.
Without him.
Leliana had remembered him from their brief meeting in Kirkwall and had set him up with a room and told him that she expected them back any day. How she had convinced him to not take off after them immediately, he still didn’t know. He’d spent the last two days pacing all over the grounds, talking to random people, and trying to get as much information as he could about what was happening.
He’d heard the Antivan woman complaining to Leliana that he was disturbing the guests, but Fenris honestly couldn’t care less. He told Leliana that he was giving it one more day and if they weren’t back tomorrow, he was going after them.
But here they were. Fenris watched out the window as the gates opened and people started pouring through. At the front was a man he could only assume was the Inquisitor. He recognized Cullen next to him. And behind them, between a bearded man in Grey Warden armor and a mustachioed man in mage robes, was Varric. Which meant Hawke couldn’t be far behind…
But as he watched more and more Inquisition and Grew Warden soldiers come through the gate without a sign of Hawke, Fenris felt his hope start to fade. Where was he? What had that foolish man gone and done now?
“Fasta vaas!”
Fenris jumped as the very words he’d been thinking in his head were shouted out loud behind him. He slipped into the shadows as the mage with the mustache came up the stairs and started grabbing books off of the shelf.
So this man was not only a mage, but a mage from Tevinter? Fenris eyed him warily as he listened to him muttering to himself in Tevene.
It was rather like hearing his own thoughts out loud as he heard him say, “Stupid, stubborn, foolish, idiot of a man, waltzing into ridiculous, dangerous situations without a second thought. One of these days he won’t come back, Dorian. You know this right? And now you’re talking to yourself, isn’t that wonderful?”
Fenris was about to take a step forward and reveal himself when he heard someone else on the stairs.
“Dorian? Are you up here?”
Fenris remained silent and unnoticed as the Inquisitor appeared at the top of the stairs and approached the man (Dorian?) who was busy grabbing random books and tossing them over his shoulder. Dorian went on about the books that were in the library while the Inquisitor just looked at him with wide eyes.
Finally, the Inquisitor said, “What is this about, Dorian?”
“When we fell into that chasm, into the Fade...I thought you were done for. I don’t know if I can forgive you for that moment.”
Fenris felt something deep inside him twist at those words. Partially because he knew exactly what he was looking at, and he recognized himself in this Dorian-a Tevinter mage of all people.
And partially because of the words themselves. Fell into a chasm? Into the Fade? His worry at not seeing Hawke intensified. Dorian’s pained voice brought him back to the conversation he had unintentionally been eavesdropping on.
“...where I lose him forever. Asher...are you...all right?”
The Inquisitor, Asher, shook his head sadly. “Not everyone made it out of the Fade. I keep thinking there was something I could have done differently.”
Not everyone made it out….
“The Fade is an ordeal under normal circumstances. To be the only real thing there...beyond description. That any of us made it out alive is difficult to believe. That you made it out? A miracle.”
Fenris could no longer remain silent. Not only was he worried about Hawke, but he felt like he was intruding on a private moment. He stepped forward and cleared his throat. Both men jumped and turned towards him in surprise.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you, but I suspected that you didn’t see me standing there. I, uh...was wondering. Has Hawke returned with you?”
“Hawke?” Asher’s expression slowly changed from surprise to understanding. “You must be Fenris.”
Now it was his turn to be surprised. “How did you know that?”
The Inquisitor smiled warmly at him. “Hawke talked about you often.”
Fenris’ heart dropped. “Talked?”
“Oh! No, no, he’s okay. Maker, I imagine how that must have sounded. I apologize. He’s...not here, though.”
“Kaffas! Of course he’s not.” Fenris sighed. “Where is he off to now?”
“Weisshaupt.” All three men turned as Varric appeared at the top of the stairs.
“Weisshaupt? Why?”
Varric frowned. “Hello to you too, Broody.”
“You expect me to be civil when you’re the one who pulled him into this mess?”
Fenris immediately regretted his words as he watched the dwarf’s face cloud over. “You’re right. I’m sorry, Fenris.”
“No, Varric, I...that was uncalled for. I apologize.”
Varric eyed him appraisingly for a bit and then said, “Well how about that.” Then we turned and motioned for Fenris to follow him.
“C’mon, Broody. Lets leave the Inquisitor and Sparkler to reassure each other that they’re alive. Walk with me and I’ll tell you all about what happened, and then we’ll gather some supplies and see if we can get one of the Warden’s to tell you what route Hawke took. I assume you’re going after him?”
“Of course.”
Hawke was tired. He was tired of fighting, he was tired of losing people, he was tired of people doing senseless things and saying they were doing it to protect people. First it was the Arishok telling him they should all be grateful before attacking his city, then Meredith claimed to be protecting the people of Kirkwall from all the evil blood mages by abusing the Right of Tranquility (among many other things), and now the Grey Wardens had tried to call upon a demon army in the name of protecting Thedas from the Blight.
Hawke was tired. He was tired in his heart, he was tired in his bones, he was tired in his soul.
And, most of all, he missed Fenris. They’d been apart before, of course, and even for longer periods of time than this. But with the whole damn world feeling like it was about to fall in around them, Hawke selfishly wanted him by his side. Then he imagined what might have happened if Fenris had been with them when they’d gone to Adamant. Or into the Fade. He hadn't been lying when he’d told the Inquisitor that Fenris would die to protect him.
Hawke sighed and pulled his cloak tighter around himself. No, Fenris hadn’t been there and hadn’t had the chance to sacrifice himself. Instead, it had been Stroud fighting off the demon so that the rest of them could escape in one piece.
It hadn’t made any sense to him why the Inquisitor had chosen Stroud over him. The Wardens had been left without a leader when they’d needed one most. He’d seen the looks on their faces. They were fractured and questioning their purpose. Stroud would have been a good leader for them. He would have been able to give them that purpose they were lacking.
Instead, Hawke had been the one to walk out of the Fade with the Inquisitor. He’d asked him why when they’d been on their way from Adamant to Val Firmin, where Hawke was to separate from the rest of the party and head north.
“Inquisitor, may I ask you a question.”
“Sure.”
“I was wondering...why?”
“You’re wondering why I chose for Stroud to stay behind in the Fade?”
“Yes.”
The Inquisitor sighed, and Hawke didn’t miss the glance that he shot towards the Tevinter mage, Dorian.
“I’m afraid that you’re looking for some noble, well thought out reason. Something that would show that I was thinking of the fate of Thedas when I decided that you and I should have been the ones to walk out of the Fade. But I’m afraid it wasn’t anything like that.”
The Inquisitor stared off into the distance and Hawke waited for him to continue. Just when he thought that he wasn’t going to, he turned back towards him.
“You should see yourself when you talk about him.”
“I...what?”
“Fenris.”
“Fenris?”
What did Fenris have to do with anything?
“Yes. You want to know why I chose Stroud, but the thing is that I didn’t choose Stroud. I chose you. Because you had people waiting for you to come home safely.”
Hawke was stunned. He had no idea what to say to that. Then he saw it again. That quick flick of the Inquisitor’s gaze to Dorian. His heart ached.
And he understood.
If he had stayed in the Fade, he wouldn’t have been surprised to see Fenris show up just to kill him. He was already going to kill him for being a coward and leaving while he’d been away. Hawke could only imagine Fenris’ face when he had found the note he’d left. Honestly, he’d half expected the elf to show up at Skyhold despite his request that he not follow him.
He hadn’t decided yet if he was disappointed or relieved that he hadn’t.
It was starting to get dark and Hawke was considering setting up camp for the night when he noticed the lights of a small settlement up ahead. He decided to continue on, in the hopes that there might be an inn. It made him think back to the days immediately after they had left Kirkwall. He and Fenris had traveled with Isabela for a short time, but neither of them were cut out for life at sea. So they’d traveled. Moving from small town to small town, trying to lay low and not be recognized. As much as they had been moving, it had still been...simpler. Easier.
It had just been the two of them-everyone one else had gone their own ways. Aveline and Donnic had opted not to leave Kirkwall at all. Varric had disappeared for a bit before reappearing in Kirkwall as if nothing had happened. Merrill had wanted to help the elves, Anders had disappeared altogether, Isabela had sailed off into the sunset after dropping them off in Ostwick, and he’d rather not think about Sebastian. Although he’d heard that he owed the Inquisitor a favor for the help he gave his friends in Kirkwall.
The Inquisitor. He was an interesting man. Hawke had enjoyed getting to know him over the last several weeks. He’d certainly appreciated the honesty he’d given him with the answer to his question. But he found himself wondering if the man had spent as much time looking at Dorian’s face when he was talking to him as he did Hawke’s face when he talked about Fenris. Because Hawke recognized the uncertainty he saw in the Inquisitor, but he also recognized the devotion that he saw in the Tevinter mage.
He was certain that the Inquisitor did not. He had a feeling he’d figure it out. Eventually. Just as he had.
Sighing, he looked up and was relieved to see that there was indeed an Inn at the edge of town. He made his way inside and paid for a room for the night.
Hawke was tired.
He was so tired that he completely missed the familiar, hooded figure sitting at the corner table as he made his way up the stairs.
Fenris had arrived at this Inn roughly an hour ago and had been sitting at the corner table nursing his ale. He had a good view of the door here, and could also hear anything that the bartender/innkeeper said. When Hawke finally showed up, Fenris could see how tired he was from the slope of his shoulders.
He carefully appeared disinterested as he watched Hawke pay for a room, and listened as the innkeeper gave him directions. Fenris waited just long enough before getting up from his table and making his way to Hawke’s room.
Hawke barely took the time to remove his armor before flopping down into the bed and pulling the covers over his head. He was just drifting off to sleep when he heard a noise coming from the door to his room. Quickly reaching for his staff, he was stopped by a gauntleted hand and a familiar voice.
“Hawke.”
He shot up. “Fenris!”
His answer was a low growl and a tightening of the hand around his wrist before the other man pulled him close and crushed his lips with his own. It was not gentle-Fenris was angry with him and Hawke could feel it in the kiss. But behind the anger he could also feel the desperation and longing that he’d been feeling in his own heart.
With tremendous effort, he broke the kiss and met Fenris’ eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
“You are a fool.”
“I know.”
“I would never have forgiven you if you had not returned.”
“I know.”
“I’m still not certain that I should forgive you for leaving.”
“I know.”
“Stop saying that!”
“Will you forgive me?”
“No!”
Hawke pouted. “Please?”
“No! It’s not that simple, Hawke. I...was truly frightened this time. When the Inquisition returned to Skyhold without you...I was certain that you were never coming back.”
“Fenris, I really am sorry. I’ve spent the last several weeks both regretting my decision to leave you behind and being grateful that you weren’t here to do something stupidly heroic. I’ve missed you like crazy, but I’m not sorry that you’re alive. And I’m extremely glad you’re here now.”
As he spoke, Hawke reached up and cupped the side of Fenris’ face. He watched the other man’s expression soften.
“I...Kaffas! How do you always do that?”
“What?”
“That! You say those things and you look at me with those eyes and suddenly I forget why I’m mad at you.”
“So you forgive me?”
Fenris sighed. “Don’t ever do something like that again. Ever.”
Hawke grinned. “Understood.”
“Sometimes I think you’re more trouble than you’re worth.”
“No you don’t,” Hawke said as he placed a quick kiss on the other man’s lips.
Sighing again, Fenris said, “No. I don’t.”