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For months I had been crying myself to sleep, my bed creaking and crying out. I tossed and turned in pain and agony. All I could see and think of was his voice. The way he used to laugh and smile. The soft gentle hugs and kisses goodnight. I felt like my soul had been ripped out of my body, trampled and spit on.
I dragged myself out of bed that dreary Tuesday morning. The rain pattering softly against the window, my mood the same grim ugly gray. I shuffled towards the bathroom catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and seeing the huge dark circles and the puffed cheeks across my face. I sighed and turned the water on, splashing it against my face before drying it with my rag. I debated applying make-up before deciding against it. I walked back to my room, blindly grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt off the floor, quickly tossing it onto my body. I threw my hair into a headband, pushing my curls out of my face as I slipped my feet into my worn down sneakers. I heard my phone chime and ignored it as I picked my keys up and walked downstairs.
I was almost out the door before Chifuyu was calling my name from the kitchen. I groaned and walked over to see him standing there with a plate of pancakes out towards me.
“Will you eat breakfast with me today,” he asked cautiously with a tiny smile on his face.
“No thanks. Not hungry,” I replied before turning away.
“Y/N! Please! You haven't been eating properly ever since it happened. I'm starting to worry,” Chifuyu exclaimed as he placed the plate down and walked towards me.
“I promise I'm fine. I'll eat when I come home, promise,” I said as a compromise.
Chifuyu sighed before giving in. “Fine, but I better see you eat something today.”
I nodded my head before walking away and out the door.
I let the rain pour over my head as the memories of comforting movie nights where the thunder cracked outside flooded my mind. I let my feet guide my body, ignoring the constant stares and whispers from the neighbors.
“How much longer do they plan to be like this? It's been months,” I heard someone say as I walked past their porch.
“Give them a break. They suffered trauma and you can't just pop back from that,” I heard a voice reply back.
I walked for no more than five minutes before I sat myself down on a rotting bench that probably wouldn’t last more than two more years. With my head hung low, I sat there with my thoughts muddled and murky, the rain pouring down my head, until suddenly it wasn’t. I looked up and the corners of my lips tugged at the warm familiar smile that looked down at me.
“You always were a sucker for the rain,” Hanma, my neighbor, said as he stood over me with an umbrella raised above my head.
I lightly shrugged my shoulders. “What can I say? It helps.”
He chuckled and I could feel some of the tension in my stomach loosening as he sat beside me.
“So what are you doing over here? Waiting for a mysterious lover?”
I let out a light laugh and shook my head, avoiding the gaze that burned into the side of my skull.
“Just trying to clear my head some. It hasn’t been easy since the funeral.”
Hanma let out a little grunt of agreement before falling into silence. It was still, as if time had slowed but I was content with this. The soft taps of the rain falling off the umbrella, the water in the street splashing around as cars drove, the steady rise and fall of my breathing. Everything mixed together creating a beautiful harmony.
“Have you tried talking to anyone about what happened,” Hanma quietly asked, interrupting the silence.
I once again shook my head, clasping my hands together, my body shaking.
“I just never know what to say. Everyday it plays in my head over and over. It’s all my fault,” I said, my voice breaking at the end.
I felt Hanma’s arm wrap around my shoulders and pull me close to his chest as I broke for the billionth time. I couldn’t stop the tears as the events from that night continued to play in my mind. The flashing lights, the screams, the terror in his face as Ilost control of the car and the way the light in his eyes flickered as he said he loved me for the last time.
“It hurts. Everything hurts,” I cried out into Hanma’s chest just letting it spill out as he comforted me.
“I know. I know the feeling,” Hanma whispered. “
That indescribable pain that consumes your life. That pain that takes over your days and drowns you . I know it’s hard but that’s what everyone around you is here for. They want to help and even though it’s hard, the first step to overcoming this is to face it head on. To accept this pain as part of your life and to realize that this doesn’t make you. This is just a stepping stone to make you stronger,” Hanma said as he rubbed my back, listening to my sobs.
I had no words as I knew what he meant. It’s what everyone keeps telling me, but that pain wells up in your heart and picks at every last insecurity. When I finally think I’m ready, the pain stabs at something to make me remember and I fall back into this deep dark pit of despair.
“It may take these next two days, it could take three months, it could be 5 years but eventually you will get through this. This is just the storm before the calm,” Hanma once again gave me nothing but his comforting words.
I started to calm as I wiped the tears from my cheeks and slowly calmed my staggering breath.
“Thank you,” were the only words I could manage to form from within my clouded thoughts.
Hanma looked over at me and smiled before we once again fell into silence, the beautiful harmony of the world in the background. I eventually composed myself but for some reason I couldn’t bring my body to leave Hanma’s arms. The warmth that radiated from him was so calming and made my heart feel at ease. The rain started to slowly let up and Hanma closed the umbrella, the rain on the top now falling down the cracks towards the ground. Without realization, I tightened my grip on Hanma, not wanting to let him go.
Hanma lightly laughed before rubbing my head.
“I think you’re trying to squeeze me to death there.”
I chuckled quietly and whispered. “I just don’t want to let go yet.”
“Well as much as I would like to stay it's time for me to go,” Hanma said slowly loosening my grip from around his body.
Finger by finger, prying them away until they hung lowly by my sides. He stood up and looked at me once more, his smile never once leaving his face. He gave me a tiny wave as a gentle gesture before turning away from me. I forced myself to smile back as I watched him walk away and disappear around the corner.
I sighed and threw my back head, looking up towards the sky and watching the gray clouds disappear away. Moving at the pace of a snail to reveal the bright sun sitting behind them. I covered my eyes using my hand before standing up and walking to touch the stone that stood in front of me.
“I love you. See you later for our next talk,” I whispered before walking away from the gray stone.
The words Hanma Shuji glistened in the sunlight as the rain dropped off the marble.