Work Text:
She knew she’d regret it…
And she did.
1st Year
Lily was a teeny thing with lots of red hair around her shoulders and bright green eyes. She didn’t know anyone else; she was a muggleborn. It was a whole new world she’d been thrust into; completely different from her primary school and away from her friends.
The first time she saw him was at Gryffindor’s table; he was sat a few seats down from her. She turned to try and catch her new roommate's eye who was sat further along but instead caught his. James. He was very good looking; brown hair tousled and bright blue eyes behind circular glasses. He looked like he’d been caught off-guard and they both stared at each other. She blushed and looked away first.
"Ocean blue eyes looking in mine
I feel like I might sink and drown and die
You're so gorgeous"
She made friends with her roommates and they quickly formed a bond. One girl, Marlene, was friends with some Slytherins from her childhood, but that didn’t usually affect their friendship. Alice was very kind and very outgoing, making friends with everyone, and Mary was a kind-hearted soul; shy like Lily but confident in their group.
She was in most classes with James and they only ever exchanged a few words, Lily too shy to do anything else. She caught his gaze often and gave him small smiles and he stared back at her. She didn’t know what to do around him; none of her friends had ever been boys. She didn’t have a brother; he was a foreign concept to her, and she was slightly naïve. He was loud, charming and popular. Always with the same group of boys, always laughing. He seemed to move perfectly in this world, a natural; she spoke to her friends and discovered he was a pureblood.
There was an incident with an older Slytherin boy at the start of the term; he started following her, harassing her, until one day he cornered her and pushed her against the wall. He leaned into her, face nuzzling her hair and neck. She tried pushing him away with both hands but he didn’t move an inch. He started kissing her neck. She looked around desperately and saw two of his friends nearby sneering and laughing at her. She pleaded with them to help but they didn’t; she cried out.
Footsteps were heard – finally – and a shout. Professor McGonagall came striding around the corner yelling at the boys and brandishing her wand. They scattered and fled. Lily dropped to the floor shaking and sniffling. Professor McGonagall took her to her classroom and gave her some tissues. She scribbled on a note and sent it into the fireplace, then poured them both a cup of tea.
Professor Slughorn arrived, not ten minutes later, with Mary in tow. She was asked to relay what had happened; she did, gripping Mary’s hand tightly who offered silent support. The professors shared looks with one another. Mary walked back to Gryffindor Tower with her.
Towards the end of the year McGonagall asked her to stay behind in class. Mary silently offered to stay and Lily accepted, nodding her head. McGonagall informed them that the older boy had been doing the same to other young girls (muggleborns) and had been suspended until further notice. Lily stayed silent but gave a quiet thanks as they left.
By the time summer came around, she was feeling okay; better thanks to her friends but still shy, especially now. No-one in her House knew what had happened to her aside from Mary. She hadn't wanted to tell her parents, but McGonagall said she needed to inform them. She saw James at the end of term feast; he was surrounded by people further down the bench. She sat with her friends, but turned towards them, caught up in their jubilant behaviour. She caught his eye and they gazed at each other for a while, small smiles in place, until Sirius clapped James on the shoulder startling them both.
2nd to 3rd Year
"You're so gorgeous, I can't say anything to your face
'Cause look at your face, And I'm so furious, At you for making me feel this way
But, what can I say? You're gorgeous"
Second Year passed without much fanfare; her friends were starting to notice boys, but Lily was only interested in James. She mentioned it in an off-comment when they were hanging out in the dorms and Marlene teased her mercilessly about it for weeks after. She took to shouting it loudly across the whole table to hear at mealtimes. Lily couldn’t help but turn bright red in embarrassment – stupid hair - every time and hissed at her to be quiet. She noticed James avoiding her eyes and blushing often too.
Her friendship with Mary and Alice became stronger though and they all hung out regularly. Marlene seemed to think she was the ring leader of the group and often demanded what they’d be doing on weekends. Lily didn’t mind too much; happy to be included so went along with it for the time being.
Third Year changed slightly as they were now allowed to venture into Hogsmeade on weekends. Marlene was boy-obsessed, often seen with a different boy each Hogsmeade visit, hanging off their arm and then disappearing for hours afterwards.
Lily, Mary and Alice stayed together most trips and often bumped into James and his friends at some point. Lily and Remus had become friends over the past year; they had several things in common and he was always easy to talk to. She noticed that James never went on dates with girls to Hogsmeade, despite being one of the most popular boys in school. He was often playing up with friends as she passed with the girls, but still avoided her eyes.
She still hadn’t spoken to him much, but was now beginning to realise that she harboured a huge crush on him. She panicked more often than not when they crossed paths; mind going blank, no idea what to say. She barely managed to give him quick smiles before hurrying away blushing from head to toe. She noticed him glancing at her every so often.
4th Year
It was in Fourth Year that she noticed that boys were starting to notice her . She felt she wasn’t the prettiest, especially next to Alice or Marlene, but it was a nice albeit unknown feeling. She had long wavy red hair at this point, had grown several inches matching her peers’ heights and was beginning to grow into her curves.
It came to a head when she was walking towards Arithmancy; on her own as neither Alice nor Mary took the same class. There was a crowd of boys in her year hanging around the door to the classroom. She halted at the end of the corridor suddenly feeling rather nauseous. She somehow just knew they were waiting for her. They were laughing and looking in her direction. She swallowed.
James was in the group, along with Sirius who was smirking at her with bright eyes. James did not look happy to be there, nor pleased, when it seemed like they had come to the same conclusion of who they were waiting for. He slouched against the wall and ignored everyone around him, half glaring at her from the corner of his eye.
She bristled - Move, Lily!
She started moving again, after only a few seconds of hesitation, and shimmied her way through the boys and into her seat. She tried to ignore them, flustered, and hoped their professor would arrive soon. She busied herself with getting her supplies out of her. She breathed a sigh of relief when a Hufflepuff sat down on one side of her, but was startled by another voice on her other side – a male voice.
She glanced at the doorway and the boys were staring at the both of them; she caught James’s eye and he turned away scowling. She turned towards the voice and saw Dirk Cresswell facing her. He seemed nervous, which put her nerves on edge even more. He started to speak, giving her a slight smile, but their professor marched in and shooed away the boys at the door. Dirk looked down and seemed to lose his nerve. He gave her a smile but gathered his things and moved away.
She let out a sigh.
Lily's crush was growing and she often sought James out in class or at meals, just to be near him. She knew he knew she was there but they still didn’t speak to each other. She didn’t know why he never spoke to her; but her mind went completely blank anytime she even considered the idea. She spoke to his friends, apart from Sirius, who seemed to enjoy teasing her and making her nervous. He would often grin knowingly at her or wink at her, causing her to blush and him to laugh.
5th to 6th Year
"You should take it as a compliment
That I'm talking to everyone here but you (but you, but you)"
Fifth and Sixth Years were similar in many ways to 4th Year. She had grown in confidence around those she knew, but was still ridiculously shy around boys, especially ones who had caught her eye. She had had smaller crushes over the last few years; Dirk had become gorgeous, but she felt it always came back to James.
She had grown closer to Remus, especially since she had learnt of his affliction. They often sat together at meals and hung out with each other in the library, or in a large group. He also happened to be best friends with James so that was an added bonus. He was slightly clueless when it came to feelings though, so she kept her obsession crush to herself; if he noticed, he didn’t say anything.
Sirius and Marlene had been together during this time, both disappearing for long stretches of time and returning ruffled. Lily knew they’d been fooling around, but didn’t think much of it. Apart from the disaster of Dirk asking her out in Fourth Year, no-one had expressed any interest in her, nor she in them. She did fancy some guys in the year above at one stage, and had to endure over a week of hostile glares and hexes from behind from their girlfriends after Marlene had opened her large mouth conveniently around them.
Towards the end of Sixth Year, she had become comfortable with the fact that she and James sort-of sought each other out without meaning to, and became used to seeing him without a girlfriend. They attended Gryffindor parties with their own groups of friends and sort-of mingled together, but not quite. She didn’t see him interact with any other girls of their age group or House so she came to the conclusion that he must be interested in her too.
She was going to ask him out. No, talk to him next year – Start small she reminded herself. She would have to, otherwise she might not see him again. They were in different social tiers; he a pureblood, she a muggleborn. She knew what that meant; she had read the news, heard about disappearances of relatives at school, heard about some kids being pulled out of school. She and Mary tended to walk around together, just in case.
7th Year
"If you've got a girlfriend, I'm jealous of her
But if you're single that's honestly worse
'Cause you're so gorgeous it actually hurts".
Finally. Seventh Year was here. James had been made Head Boy, a girl from Hufflepuff called Emma was Head Girl. Lily blanched at the thought of them sharing a Common Room; she was blonde, slim and very tall. She was gorgeous and very outgoing.
Marlene and Lily had a big argument over the Summer before 7th Year and were no longer speaking. Marlene’s parents pulled her out of school and she didn’t return.
School otherwise returned like normal and Lily and James continued as they had been. Towards the end of the year, Lily was sat with Remus outside under a tree by the Black Lake. She and Remus had been sharing a book, reading together, when she spotted James lounging on his own nearby. She paused and looked towards him, silently trying to summon the courage to go over there. He was slouching and gazing at her, frowning.
You’re supposed to be a Gryffindor... stupid, so stupid.
Remus, noticing she had stopped, looked between the both of them then asked what was wrong. Lily jumped, sighed, but pretended nothing had happened.
A few weeks later, after their last NEWT exam, she and her friends rushed down towards the Lake for some much-needed respite. They were near the bank when The Marauders and some others from their year came to join them. She was happily chatting to Mary, Remus and Peter about their plans for the summer when she glanced round Peter towards James.
She was smiling in his direction when it happened.
She felt as if time had stopped moving; her eyes widened, her hands felt sweaty and her heartbeat picked up -–
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god –
When did - ?
How did - ?
... Is this what this feels like?
She jerked backwards and hastily shoved her things into her bag, ignoring Remus and Peter’s sounds of alarm. She mumbled something – anything – and shot off back to the castle, tears blurring her vision and her heart breaking.
Later, she heard the story from Alice and Mary who found her sequestered away in the back of the library. They looked at her in pity but didn’t say anything further.
"There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have
You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad
You're gorgeous"
James had a girlfriend. Someone called Siobhan, a Ravenclaw. Lily didn’t even know who she was, hadn’t even considered the notion that he could be interested in anyone else.
She constantly berated herself about it - she was so stupid! Of course, he didn’t fancy her! So stupid! She avoided him as much as possible after that; she couldn’t bear to be near him. She hated herself as much as she hated his girlfriend.
She had no recollection of the last few weeks of term. They graduated and had a ball; he took her of course. Lily drank Firewhiskey for the first time and danced with her friends. Some previous graduates crashed the party and she snogged one of them. Anything to try and forget about him.
Her friends were excited about what to do next; she thought she might try for a Charms Mastery. Maybe somewhere abroad or even just away, away from anywhere he could be. She couldn’t bear it. Her heart was broken.
Fin.