Chapter Text
Lucy sits across from Nyla in a booth at the bar, almost two months into her latest undercover stint. These check-in meetings are routine, and the only place Lucy can really be herself, a welcome break from staying in character as Nova.
But something tells Lucy tonight’s debrief isn’t going to go like usual. She’s been feeling off since a few weeks after she went under. Dizziness and tiredness that she’d chalked up to stress, but deep down, wondered if might be a symptom of something more serious. She loved being undercover, even though it was boring at times, because she knew how much of an impact she could have. Hell, she’d taken down two major drug traffickers on her first solo op. But lately, she’d started to wonder if it was worth the mental and physical toll it was taking on her body.
“So, Lucy,” Nyla says, after Lucy had given her initial report, looking slightly uncomfortable, “as you know, we drug test undercover officers every so often, and we had you take a test last week, which was negative, so that’s good.” Nyla takes a deep breath before continuing, “But we also run some standard tests and...”
The split second before she says it, Lucy knows what the next words to come out of her mouth are going to be. She feels her stomach drop, and it’s not from nausea this time.
“...Lucy, the test results showed that you’re pregnant,” Nyla tells her, softly but firmly.
Everything begins to slowly click into place. Each of the symptoms she’d been experiencing, all sharing a common cause. She can’t bring herself to respond to Nyla yet, still processing the news and what it means.
“Lucy,” Nyla reaches across the table to place a comforting hand on her arm, “You understand I have to ask this...did anyone--”
“No.” Lucy finally finds her voice, cutting Nyla off before she can suggest that this pregnancy was a result of anything so vulgar. A result of anything less than what it had really been. But she does understand why Nyla has to ask, especially with each of them both being former victims of assault, so she clarifies, “No one took advantage of me. And I haven’t been involved with anyone since I've gone undercover, related to the operation or not.”
Nyla seems confused. “We tested you the day you went in, and it was negative.”
“Well," Lucy says, through gritted teeth, "it takes a few days for those tests to be able to detect anything."
"So you’re saying…" Nyla begins to piece together what Lucy is insinuating.
"If you must know," Lucy tells her, perhaps a little more bite to her tone than necessary, "it happened the night before I left." She's angry, and scared, and even though she knows Nyla isn't to blame and is just doing her job, she's having a hard time keeping her emotions under check.
Unbidden, snippets of a memory flash before her eyes. Rumpled sheets, exposed skin, blue eyes boring into hers as she rides wave after wave of pleasure. Memories of the night she'd tried so hard to suppress, knowing it would do no good to dwell on them while she was undercover.
"And you didn’t suspect, these past few weeks, that you might be...?" Nyla asks, drawing her back to the present, and Lucy really wishes they could be done with the questioning portion of this evening.
"No,” she shakes her head, “I mean, now it makes sense, but I didn't have any reason to suspect I was."
They'd used protection, first and foremost. Which she knows isn’t one hundred percent effective, but she’s never in her life had as much as a pregnancy scare.
(She should’ve known he’d have super sperm.)
Plus, with the birth control she was on, she hadn’t known she’d missed a period. And even if she had known she missed one or two, she probably would have attributed it to stress like the rest of her symptoms.
So, no, she hadn’t suspected. Or else, she’d repressed the thought so deep down that she hadn’t allowed the thought to cross her mind.
“Okay.” Nyla draws her hand back, her expression returning to the unfazed, no-nonsense one Lucy knows well. “So, let’s go over what’s going to happen next.”
“What do you mean?” Lucy wonders. Her plan for what’s next involves returning to her motel room, binge-eating some ice cream - if she can stomach it - and crying herself to sleep. She can’t think long term right now.
“Over the next few days, we’re going to come up with a plan to get you out safely,” Nyla speaks slowly and clearly, like she knows that in Lucy’s shocked state, she won’t understand her otherwise.
“Wha--” Lucy is blindsighted by her words, her brain scrambling to keep up, “but I don’t...what if I don't want to get out?”
“It’s protocol, Lucy,” Nyla states bluntly, but she does have the decency to look sympathetic. “Nova isn’t supposed to be pregnant. Not to mention the risk to you and the baby.”
The baby. Lucy’s mind is racing. It’s barely even sunk in that she’s pregnant, let alone that the natural end to this is her with an actual human being in her arms.
And despite how hard the past two months have been, she’s not ready to give up on everything she’s been working towards. Why should she have to?
“When you were pregnant with Lila, you were able to hide it and keep working. Angela was able to keep working even after she announced her pregnancy. We’re so close to getting these guys, I know it. Me pulling out now will put the op months behind,” Lucy pleads.
“That’s just not how it works in UC, Lucy," Nyla shakes her head. "Angela and I were detectives when we were pregnant. UC is a whole other ball game - there are too many variables at play here to begin with.”
“What if…” Lucy scrambles, not thinking straight, but still not willing to go down without a fight, “what if I don't want to keep it?”
She almost regrets saying the words out loud, but it doesn’t make them any less true. She hadn’t planned for this to happen - not now, at least. She knows she has other choices.
If Nyla is surprised by her remark, she does an excellent job at schooling her features. “That’s your choice to make, of course. But it doesn't change things. Nova isn’t supposed to have time off to go running to the abortion clinic. Not to mention, if you’re followed, they may figure out your real identity.”
Hearing Nyla say the words abortion clinic sends a little pang to her heart. What she really needs is time to process and think this through. But right now she has to understand if there’s any chance at all of being able to complete her operation.
“Well, why not? The procedure doesn’t take more than a few hours…I'll be good to go after a day or two, tops.”
Nyla gives her a curious look, perhaps wondering why she seems so familiar with the process. Lucy explains, “I took a friend once.”
Nyla considers her. “Okay. If you're sure, I can ask the higher ups if they might grant your request under special circumstance. But, I have to ask...is the reason you’re considering this because you want to stay undercover, or because this is what you want to do regardless?”
“I--” Lucy chokes on her words. Can’t answer that.
“Don't answer me right now.” Nyla holds up a hand to stop her. “This is all going to take a few days to arrange anyway. Think about it and I’ll contact you to set up a time and place to talk in a couple days. But Lucy...there’s a bit of a time crunch here. Especially if you’re already this far along.”
Lucy swallows. “I know. I’ll think about it.”
Nyla studies her, and then sighs. “Lucy, I’m going to go off the record here and speak as your friend, not your CO. I’m sure today has been shocking for you, to say the least. And I’ve thrown a lot of changes at you, because of the situation. I know it doesn’t seem fair. But I want to tell you - when I got pregnant with Lila, it wasn’t planned either. I don't want to be that person who says ‘everything you give up for your child is worth it in the end’ - even though I do believe it to be true.
“Having kids is hard. It's a sacrifice. Hell knows I paid the price. Especially with our jobs - being a cop and a mom - your kid knows there’s a chance you might not come home one day and that’s something you have to live with - knowing you’re the reason your kid lives with that fear. But people make it work. Leaving UC because it’s what’s best for you and the baby doesn’t mean you won’t ever be able to work again. You can, and you will. And maybe you’ll even get to go undercover again, although that's another conversation, because you know I have my qualms about that.
“So take the next few days to really think about it, Lucy. And you know how to reach me if you need anything before then.”
All Lucy can do is nod, not trusting herself to be able to respond without shedding the tears that have collected in her eyes. Nyla hugs her before they part ways, and Lucy makes her way back to the motel, all the while making sure she hasn't been followed.
She's been living as Nova for so long now, and despite how hard it is, she generally tries not to think too much about her old life or the people she’s left behind. Because that just makes everything infinitely harder to bear.
But tonight, as she lays in bed, she can't help her mind from wandering, from thinking about her friends and family back home and how they'll react to her news.
Tonight, she places her hand on her belly and thinks about the ball of cells growing underneath, that are part her…
...and part Tim.
Tim.
Once she lets herself think of him, the memories don't stop, and she allows them to wash over her, feelings of longing and sadness mingling with those of comfort.
She doesn’t even know how to define what they are to each other.
Sure, they’d grown much closer over the past few months, especially once she’d finished training. Angela and Jackson’s kidnapping had brought them even closer, as they’d supported each other while their respective best friends were missing. And of course, Tim had finally cashed in the dance she had saved for him at Angela’s second and successful wedding attempt, and having him hold her close in his arms had felt not quite platonic.
Maybe the thought had crossed her mind that they were heading towards something more.
But if anything was changing between them, it was unspoken. They went about their days as usual, becoming comfortable with the new dynamic of being co workers rather than TO and boot. Of being somewhat equals. Friends.
And then Tim had been promoted to sergeant. And a few days after that, Nyla had come to Lucy with the long term UC op.
And Lucy could feel whatever she and Tim had slowly been building start to crumble.
But then, the night before she left, he showed up at her door.
Jackson had been out for the night. (She should really blame Jackson for this whole mess; it never would have happened if he’d been home. Although, he'd probably be more than happy to take credit for what happened, so, on second thought, she decides to never tell him.)
She had told Tim the news about UC the day she found out at the station, but there hadn't really been time to have a private conversation.
So that night, he had driven to her apartment, knocked on her door, and told her he wanted to say a proper goodbye.
She had thanked him for not telling her not to go, even though she knew it was hard for him.
And they had just stood there, staring into each other's eyes, perhaps trying to commit one another to memory. Lucy remembers wanting to move closer to him - for a handshake, or perhaps even a hug.
But instead, he had pulled her into his arms and kissed her - or maybe she had kissed him - and the next thing she knew they were stumbling towards her bed and he was giving her the best goodbye she’d ever experienced, making her feel special and cherished and loved.
The morning after had been awkward. They'd woken from her alarm, set for an ungodly hour. She'd slowly disentangled from him and slipped away to her closet to get dressed. When she returned, he'd already redressed in yesterday's clothes and was waiting for her, shuffling his feet.
Neither of them had seemed to know what to say. Lucy had taken a deep breath and gone first.
-
"Last night…" she trails off, not quite sure how to finish the thought.
...was amazing?...was something I've wanted for a long time?...was probably not the best timing?
But Tim has apparently found his voice too. "Last night...shouldn't have happened.” He barely looks her in the eye as he speaks, his voice soft but serious. “I'm sorry."
Lucy feels like she’s been shot in the chest (and she’s not wearing a metal plate to protect her heart this time).
Right, okay then, she steadies herself - Tim doesn't see this like she does. He must not feel what she's been feeling for the past few months - been feeling probably since the day she came back to life in his arms. Or maybe he really is more upset about her going undercover again than he’s letting on, maybe he doesn't want to be with someone who could leave him behind again.
Either way, she's not going to let him see how affected she is by his words. There's no way she gets through months undercover while pining for a Tim Bradford that doesn't want her back.
"Yeah, no, I agree...we just let our emotions get the best of us, as a result of all this...change.” She gestures vaguely with her hands, trying to keep her tone light. She teases, “Clearly you're devastated by my leaving."
Lucy thinks she almost sees a flash of regret in his eyes. But, after a beat, Tim just nods and tells her, "Seriously, Lucy, you take care of yourself out there. We need you back at Mid-Wilshire in one piece.”
We, not I. Lucy tries but fails not to dwell on his wording.
“Will do, Sarge,” she mock-salutes, forcing a smile on her face, which becomes less forced after he rolls his eyes at her good-naturedly.
And then, after one last awkward round of goodbyes, Tim leaves to take care of Kojo and change before work, and Lucy packs up her life and reports to Nyla for duty.
-
Now, curled up in a fetal position in bed, Lucy thinks of everything she’s gone through in the past few years. She’d thought she was on a certain path. Being a cop, and especially working undercover, had felt like her purpose.
According to Nyla, it still can be her purpose.
She thinks of Tim, and how he told her that her kindness and insight makes her a good cop.
She thinks of Tim, and how he told her he didn’t think she had the killer instinct to do UC work.
She thinks of Tim, and how he told her not to let anyone tell her she can’t do anything - even him.
She knows now that she’s capable of doing this job, of being UC. She’s pretty sure Tim knows she is as well, from the way he’d praised her work the first two times.
You did good.
Not bad.
She knows she can make a difference here, get some pretty bad guys off the street.
But is it worth giving up...everything else? A semblance of normalcy, getting to be herself all the time, getting to go home at the end of every day. Not having to watch her back at every moment, or make sure to always stay in character, or act like a criminal, or ignore any misdemeanor not relevant to her main objective, or witness things that are hard even for her to stomach.
Is being undercover worth giving up having a family?
She wonders what Tim would say if he knew about her condition. Regardless of how this affects him personally. Because no matter what, she always wants to know what he thinks, values his opinion over anyone else’s.
She imagines he’d say something along the lines of - some things matter more.
She thinks of their night together, and everything they had gone through together leading up to it. Tim may have thought it was a mistake to sleep together, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about her. Doesn’t mean he won’t want to have this baby with her.
She feels a familiar ache in her chest, when she thinks about what they could potentially become one day, but she forces herself to ignore it. She can’t change the way Tim feels; the only thing she can do is focus on moving forward.
She still doesn't know what she wants to do about the pregnancy.
But Tim deserves to know. And there’s really no way she can see making this decision without him.
She has to talk to him.