Chapter Text
everything about you is how I'd wanna be
your freedom comes naturally
everything about you resonates happiness
now I won't settle for less
[...]
everything about you is so easy to love
(bliss - muse)
“And you’re sure this has nothing to do with aliens?”
Jaehyun laughs. He’s staring at his phone, at the answer to the charade Juyeon has been trying to figure out for fifteen minutes now, tongue tingling with the urge to give him the answer already. He doesn’t know who has a worst time with this game—Juyeon, who never gives up and will keep trying to guess until he gets it right, no matter how long it takes, or Jaehyun, who needs to hold back and not give the answer at the first sign that it’s gonna take a while for Juyeon to guess it.
“No aliens.”
Juyeon gnaws at his lips, squinting into the distance through the windows of the diner. It’s late afternoon, which means the diner is empty—too late for the lunch crowd, too early for the dinner crowd. Juyeon takes off his cap to scratch his head. He holds it aloft for a second, white embroidery over purple fabric spelling out Lee’s.
“Ok. Does it involve magic?”
“No. Want a hint?”
The way the game works, Jaehyun doesn’t technically need to give hints. But he likes giving them, if anything because he wonders if his answers are too cryptic sometimes to be helpful. He’s about to point out that Juyeon already has enough information to piece together a few things when the door rings open.
Eunbi walks in first, laughing and holding the door open for her friends. It has all the components of a romcom scene in Jaehyun’s mind—her blond hair, tied in a loose bun at the back of her neck, glows in the orange hues of sunlight bathing the stretch between the door and the northern half of the diner, her face just as bright and full of life as it always is in his memory. She looks radiant, even though she’s dressed casually, barely any make-up on that he can tell.
Their eyes meet as soon as she’s inside. And then Juyeon turns around, just as her friends spot the two of them too, and reality comes crashing down onto all of them. Yerin looks apprehensive while Hwang Eunbi is glaring, protectively wrapping a hand around Eunbi’s elbow. She never did like Jaehyun all that much to begin with.
Juyeon stands up, putting his hat on, and walks around the counter to get their orders. “Hi folks, how can I help you today?”
The girls order food to go. Jaehyun doesn’t watch because he doesn’t want to be rude, scrolling on his phone instead, but he does listen in. He knows Eunbi will ask for a strawberry milkshake before she does. Only when Juyeon brings them everything and wishes them a nice evening does Jaehyun look up again. Eunbi looks at him, too, on her way out, and gives him a friendly wave and a kind smile.
“See you around, Jaehyun.”
“See you, Eunbi.”
Juyeon comes back after a minute. He slides into the seat across from Jaehyun again, a question clearly right on the tip of his tongue, though he takes his time asking it. “How weird is it, one to ten?”
“Three.” Almost immediately, Jaehyun corrects himself. “Five.”
Juyeon nods. “Could be worse, then.”
“Oh, totally. I don’t think it’d be that awkward between just the two of us. It’s the circumstances. And the fact that Hwang Eunbi looks at me like she wants me to drop dead.”
His friend laughs. He takes off his cap again, this time leaving it on the table to run a hand through his hair. Juyeon still carries a lot of that boyish charm of his, like he’s still running across the basketball court every Thursday night and barely keeping himself awake for the first period of chemistry the next morning, even though it’s been a few years.
“She’s definitely thought of slashing your tires, for sure.”
The Eunbis have been friends ever since they were babies, so it’s no surprise that Hwang Eunbi would consider Jaehyun her mortal enemy of sorts. His story with Eunbi started in middle school, back when parents still thought it was an okay thing to look at two children and joke about them getting hitched in the future. Their town is small but not that rooted in tradition for it to turn into a full-on arranged marriage sort of situation, although the expectations were there. Until they weren’t.
They dated throughout high school, which made perfect sense at the time. Jaehyun liked her. Eunbi was affectionate and sweet, a little bit of a perfectionist, and she understood Jaehyun’s sense of humor just as he understood hers. They worked really well together, always had. They were good lab partners, and they loved getting involved with school events, especially behind the scenes, because neither was really that interested in being the center of attention—a funny thing, considering he was as popular as anyone could get in their school, and she was part of the student council. Their companionship was probably Jaehyun’s favorite thing about their relationship. Above everything else, Eunbi was his friend.
Then graduation came, and Eunbi left for a university across the country, while Jaehyun went to college in the next town over. Choosing to take a break instead of flat out breaking things up seemed wise to them back then. There was no pressure to visit or make time for each other when they knew they would be too busy learning how to breathe outside of the tiny bubble called high school. But they’d still be waiting for the day they would be back here, in town, together.
Because they’d certainly, obviously, clearly get back together. That was the way things were: Jaehyun and Eunbi, Eunbi and Jaehyun, high school sweethearts with a clear future ahead, fully supported by families that spoke of wedding plans even before they were off to college.
But Jaehyun couldn’t do it.
Distance was both a blessing and a curse. Jaehyun realized, with every month in which he wasn’t Eunbi’s boyfriend, that he didn’t miss her as much as he thought he would. He didn’t miss their relationship. Maybe, he thought, what he had felt for her had been less love like it’s spoken of in poems, and more of a friendly, platonic love. The practicality of having someone by your side, and the comfort of not having to think about it too hard.
It felt wrong to string her along, once he knew how he felt. There was no way he could pretend things were still the same. When she came back, six months ago, Jaehyun didn’t run to her side like he—and what felt like the entire town—expected him to.
He didn’t attend her welcoming party. He didn’t contact her. They hadn’t been in touch for a couple of years now, so he wasn’t cutting her off out of nowhere—they had been cut off from each other for a while now.
She understood. He knows she did. Because he wasn’t the only one who left their relationship behind and never looked back. He figures she came to the same conclusions, probably before him, even. The same eye-opening realization that whatever they had, it wasn’t the real thing. It was a placeholder, a substitute for what neither had at the time—love, of the impassioned, heart-seizing kind. Theirs had been a relationship for practical purposes.
And Jaehyun didn’t feel it had a place in his life anymore.
“How are you, though?”
Juyeon is chewing on his bottom lip again. Worried, this time. Watching Jaehyun’s face like he’s afraid Jaehyun might burst into tears any second now.
(Jaehyun won’t. It takes a lot more to make him cry than seeing his ex.)
“Fine. I think,” Jaehyun says. He shrugs. “I don’t know.”
He doesn’t. He’s fine about the Eunbi thing, that much he knows. It’s not like he regrets the way things ended between them. He doesn’t want to go back, he still doesn’t have feelings for her aside from fondness and a fervent hope that she finds someone else to make her happy along the way. That shouldn’t be hard for her.
But everything else feels… off. Jaehyun can’t put his finger on what is bothering him exactly. It’s like learning his feelings for Eunbi weren’t as deep as he thought shifted his perspective but didn’t offer any clarity, only more questions. What else is he taking for granted? What else is he just letting happen?
What is he doing here?
“Have you heard from Youngjae?”
“About the internship thing?” Juyeon asks. When Jaehyun nods, he shakes his head. “No. I’m guessing he doesn’t have an answer yet. But I think he’s gonna get it. He’s smart.”
“He is. But he’s not the only one. Things must be harder in Seoul.”
“That’s true,” Juyeon says.
He looks out the window again. Jaehyun’s car is the only one outside, so they have a clear view of the street, and of the gardening supplies store just across from them. They watch Mr Kim close up the shop, Juyeon waving with his kind smile when the man catches sight of them at the diner.
“Do you ever wonder what it’s like there?”
Juyeon turns back to him. “There where? Seoul?”
“Yeah. It kinda feels like we’re the only ones left behind. I wonder if that’s a good or a bad thing.”
“Neither, I guess. It’s just a matter of choice.”
Jaehyun considers that. Juyeon isn’t wrong: all of their friends who left did it because they wanted to. No one had to get out of their small town where everyone is friends with everyone and literally every single person above 50 gasps in surprise upon seeing you, because they all saw you in diapers and oh, how much you’ve grown!
Sangyeon, Jaehyun’s best friend in school, left to pursue a masters degree, too ambitious and with a thirst for knowledge too great to be satisfied with the handful of courses available in the neighboring towns. He was the one who helped Jaehyun through his first hangover and who heard all about Jaehyun’s many other firsts, because if anyone can get Jaehyun to open up, that person is Sangyeon.
Younghoon was a similar case. After a gap year in Europe, he moved to Seoul to pursue his newfound talent for modeling. He’s a great photographer, too, even though he gets paid way more to be in front of the camera than behind it. He’s Jaehyun’s oldest friend, a next-door neighbor who was a part of his life before Jaehyun even knew how to talk. And just like Sangyeon, his choice to leave was deliberate. No one forced him to. No one asked him to. He just did.
Youngjae is the link between their groups of friends, and Changmin is Juyeon’s closest friend; both also left for a different life in the big city. Youngjae works with computers, though Jaehyun never really understood what exactly he does, and Changmin is a zoologist by day and dancer by night. Neither hesitated at the chance to leave town, much like Jaehyun’s own friends, which is how Jaehyun and Juyeon ended up getting closer. They were acquaintances in school brought together by chance in college, because as Jaehyun is starting to learn, things change.
People change.
“Are you thinking about leaving?”
Jaehyun looks at Juyeon. His friend is still a little worried, and definitely curious. It’s a good question. Is he?
“I don’t know,” Jaehyun says. He leans his chin on his hand, sighs. “I think I’m just a little restless. I hate it.”
Juyeon chuckles. “Of course you do.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, you like to see the road ahead of you,” Juyeon begins. He grins when Jaehyun narrows his eyes. “Are you gonna say you don’t? You’re a bit of a control freak, hyung. And I mean that with love.”
Jaehyun laughs. “Stop talking to Sangyeon, he knows too much.”
“I don’t need Sangyeon hyung to tell me that, though,” Juyeon points out, smug grin and all. “I know you.”
True. This friendship may have been born out of circumstance, but Jaehyun knows it’s a good one. Juyeon pays attention. Quite a lot of it, in fact. He’s unbelievably kind, takes Jaehyun’s bad jokes in stride, offers unexpected wisdom and equally bad jokes in return. They do know each other by now.
“So it figures that you’d get a bit anxious after college,” Juyeon continues. “And after, you know. The Eunbi thing. You had a clear path to follow, now you don’t. That opens up a lot of choices that weren’t there before.”
“I hate how right you are,” Jaehyun says, making Juyeon laugh. He sits up straighter, picks up the cap still on the table, and puts it on. It’s a little big for his head, but he does his best to fix it in place as he says, “What if I just work here and flirt with all your customers? I don’t know, I might meet my soulmate that way. It’d be a meet-cute!”
Juyeon goes to snatch the cap from his head, smiling, but Jaehyun ducks out of the way. “You have your own job.”
“Barely any ladies below 35 out there buying furniture.”
“I don’t know, maybe they could teach you a thing or two.”
Jaehyun’s jaw drops. He throws the cap at Juyeon, laughing. “I am not getting a sugar mommy.”
“Hey, I wouldn’t judge!”
They laugh and joke around for as long as it takes for the diner to start filling up again. Juyeon has to work, and Jaehyun needs to vacate the table, so they stand up to go their separate ways for the evening.
He pats Juyeon’s shoulder and goes for the door. Before he leaves, though, his friend calls, “Hey, hyung!” There’s genuine concern on his face when Jaehyun turns around. “Keep your eyes open. Maybe you’ll get a sign soon enough.”
It feels a little naive to expect a sign from the universe, but Jaehyun doesn’t voice that. If there’s a time to be naive, he figures, now just might be it.
So he nods and gives Juyeon a smile. “Yeah, maybe.”
Jaehyun has one eye on the shelves filled top to bottom with wine of all kinds, and one eye on his phone.
His mom hasn’t answered his texts yet, which isn’t all that surprising. She’s not a fast texter, and she did send him out on a grocery run precisely because she said she had too much to do around the house. It’s a Saturday, but to her that only means a whole day to come up with chores no one but her cares about. Her phone is probably in another room entirely.
He could just risk it. Google says he can’t go wrong with white wine. But he can’t recall if he ever noticed what wine his mom uses for her recipes—do they even have white at home? Did they ever? How come he doesn’t know this?
Distracted staring at price tags, Jaehyun jumps in place when a voice calls from his right, “Jaehyun hyung?”
Kevin looks different from the last time Jaehyun saw him, which must’ve been years ago—at school still, because Jaehyun was off to college one year before him, and Kevin left town altogether after graduation. He looks taller, for starters, and his hair is longer, with blond highlights. He’s not wearing glasses either. Jaehyun is so surprised he doesn’t register immediately that Kevin is not alone.
“Kevin? Oh my god, it’s been ages...” They share a half-hug that’s more a bump of shoulders than anything. “When did you come back?”
“Last week. I’m not technically back though, it’s more of a vacation.”
Jaehyun grins. “Who vacations here?”
“I do, now!” Kevin says, all smiles and excitement. “Jacob does, too!” He gestures to the guy by his side, who Jaehyun kind of ignored until now. “We’re staying with Chanhee for a few weeks.”
“Choi Chanhee,” Jaehyun adds, to signal he knows who he’s talking about. He was never close with Chanhee, though their paths did cross every once in a while at school. They used to hang out with different crowds, Chanhee choosing to stay out of the spotlight and Jaehyun never really having a say in it as the star of the baseball team, and their worlds still don’t intersect a lot. Chanhee goes to church, Jaehyun isn’t religious; Jaehyun has a gym membership, Chanhee has never set foot in there as far as he knows. “He’s still singing in the choir, isn’t he?”
“Yep. Better than ever, too,” Kevin says. His friend reaches over to pick a bottle from the shelf, which seems to remind Kevin of his presence. “Wait, hang on, I’m so sorry, I forgot you guys don’t know each other—Hyung, this is Jacob. Jacob, this is Jaehyun hyung.”
Jacob straightens up, clutching the bottle of wine to his chest in surprise with the sudden introduction. His eyes go a little wide before he opens a polite smile, and Jaehyun feels like he’s just as surprised, only for different reasons. Jacob has a striking smile and warm eyes under a mop of soft-looking, copper blond hair. His smile is disarming enough that Jaehyun reacts a beat later. He bows his head slightly.
“Hi. Nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too...” Jacob says, bowing back. He speaks in such a low, mellow voice. He glances at Kevin and tries to guess, “...hyung?”
“No, I think you guys are the same age, actually. Right?” Kevin turns to Jaehyun to confirm. “Ninety-seven?”
“Right,” Jaehyun says.
To Jacob, Kevin explains, “Jaehyun hyung was like… If we had prom here, he would’ve been prom king. You know what I mean? Sports guy! You guys would’ve gotten along. Probably.” To Jaehyun, he asks, “What’s your stance on Sam Kim?”
“Cool songs.”
“Yeah, you would’ve gotten along.”
“And you guys were friends?” Jacob asks, doubtfully. That gets a laugh out of Jaehyun.
“I was also into theater,” he explains. “Had to go against Kevin to get some roles. That’s how we know each other.”
“Oh, that makes more sense.”
“I can’t even bring myself to feel offended because yeah, it does make more sense,” Kevin says. “Troy Bolton here tried to take Hamlet from me once. The audacity.”
They laugh at that. Jaehyun is flooded by memories of his adventures as part of the theater club, something he started as a way to work on his social skills and ended up taking a liking to. It’s been some time since he last dabbled in it, but being around Kevin certainly reminds him of how exhilarating acting could feel.
Kevin reaches for more of the same wine Jacob is still holding. “Let’s get… Uh, I think three should be fine?” Kevin wonders out loud. He then asks Jaehyun, “Stocking up for the weekend?”
“Grocery run,” Jaehyun points to his half-full cart. “I’m trying to guess which wine my mom would want to cook with, because she didn’t specify...”
Kevin scoffs and immediately reaches for another shelf. “Oh my god, you need a Sauvignon,” he says in perfect accented French as he hands Jaehyun a bottle. “No question. Trust me, if she wanted red she would’ve told you.”
“Oh, hey,” Jaehyun adds the bottle to his cart with a grin. “Thank you. You just saved me a second trip here, probably.”
“No worries, my dude.”
As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Kevin makes a face, like an idea just popped into his head. He’s about to say something else when someone calls his name down the aisle. They turn to see Chanhee there, holding what looks like three bottles of different condiments in one hand and his phone in the other.
“I told you the bell peppers here suck,” Chanhee calls from where he’s standing. “We should get the tiny ones instead.”
“That’s not the same thing, though,” Kevin says, already walking off in his direction. He looks over his shoulder to Jacob. “Be right back, don’t go anywhere.”
“Yes, sir,” Jacob jokes, still holding the bottle of wine to his chest. He looks back at Jaehyun once Kevin is gone; they can hear Kevin and Chanhee talking to each other until they turn down the next aisle, and then it’s just the two of them, standing there, with the faint music playing somewhere in the store.
Jaehyun clears this throat. “So…”
“He thinks I might get lost,” Jacob clarifies. “Because I kind of suck with directions, and I’ve never been here, and all that.”
“You do have a phone, though, right?”
Jacob chuckles. “I do. But I lose that a lot too, so… He has good reason to worry.”
Something about that sort of co-dependency rings familiar to Jaehyun. He doesn’t know how it didn’t occur to him before now, but Jaehyun wonders, for a second there, if Jacob is something more than a friend to Kevin. He didn’t exactly give him Jacob’s credentials, just his name, so anything is possible here.
He doesn’t want to outright ask about a stranger’s relationship status—which in this case entails more than just his relationship status, too—so instead he goes for, “You’re from Seoul?”
“Toronto, actually,” Jacob says. “But I live in Seoul, yeah. Kevin and I work together.”
“Oh? Sorry, I just realized I have no idea what Kevin does.”
Jacob's smile is so bright, it disconcerts Jaehyun again. He’s so friendly, voice still so gentle and words pronounced with such care. It’s not like Jaehyun isn’t used to people around here being friendly—he is, people are nice around these parts—but Jacob resonates friendliness in such a particular way. It feels so inherent to him, like it’s less an effort to make conversation with a stranger and more just a part of him. Of who he is.
It’s intriguing, to say the least. It makes Jaehyun want to keep the conversation going.
“He’s a music teacher,” Jacob explains. “We both are, I mean, at the same arts academy. He teaches the piano.”
“And you?”
“Guitar.”
The image of Jacob holding a guitar flashes in Jaehyun’s mind for a second. He smiles. “That’s kinda super cool.”
Jacob looks about to refute that, shaking his head and smiling bright as anything, but Kevin comes back just then.
“I was gonna ask you,” he barges into conversation just as he hands Jacob two bags of Doritos for him to hold, his own arms full by now, no carts in sight. “Wanna tag along tonight, hyung? We’re going to the Dutchman later.”
Jaehyun takes a second too long to realize Kevin is talking to him. “Oh. Oh? Who’s ‘we’?”
“Us three, but I’ll text Juyeonie too, since I have his number,” Kevin explains. He’s already walking backwards to where Chanhee is waiting for them, by the checkout line. “You can take someone else too, if you’d like. The more the merrier!”
The fact that he doesn’t have anyone else to take aside from Juyeon weighs Jaehyun down a bit, but he doesn’t let that show. “Sounds fun. I’m in.”
He catches Jacob’s happy smile, gives him one of his own in return. They walk away, arms full of a strange assortment of items, and Jaehyun takes a moment to remember what else he needed to grab. It’s a long thirty seconds, because he’s watching Jacob’s retreating back, the contrast of his coppery hair against the black hoodie he’s wearing a little too distracting.
If that’s Kevin’s boyfriend, Kevin is one hell of a lucky guy.
Jaehyun doesn’t question that thought, and goes back to his shopping list.
Their town has exactly three bars.
There are, of course, a couple of clubs, a bowling alley, some restaurants, and Lee’s, the preferred diner for anyone looking for a good meal. So you have a few more options for a night out. But bars, in the pure sense of the word, are only three: Tiger’s, Blue Bell, and The Flying Dutchman.
Jaehyun has been to all three of them, as most towners above 19 have. Tiger’s is a sports bar, with big screens lined up on the walls and red and white decor that could not be more on the nose. It’s a noisy place, and the patrons have a considerably higher chance of breaking out into a brawl compared to the other two, so Jaehyun doesn’t really care for it. Blue Bell has a karaoke stage, which is fun, and Jaehyun has been there a few times, but the clientele skews a little older, so it’s not entirely his scene, either.
The Flying Dutchman, however, is the favored hangout spot for people around his age. It’s a nice place, nothing too fancy, but the food is good and the music selection is infinitely better than Blue Bell’s. The tradition for when Sangyeon comes into town is to go there for at least a couple of beers, depending on how long he’s staying.
Juyeon likes the place, too. He’s excited and uncharacteristically chatty as they make their way to the bar, which is close enough to Juyeon’s place that they can walk there. It’s a good sign, Jaehyun thinks. A cheerful, relaxed Juyeon always means good things. And it helps Jaehyun relax too, so there’s that.
The other three are already there when they arrive, so Jaehyun and Juyeon join them around the table. Juyeon takes the empty seat next to Kevin, which leaves Jaehyun to sit next to Jacob. They greet each other with friendly smiles, and Jaehyun finally has the chance to greet Chanhee too, whom he doesn’t get many chances to talk to aside from the awkward hey, how’s it going and good morning when they bump into each other in town.
It’s comfortable, in a way, even if he doesn’t really know Jacob or Chanhee all that well. He watches the table, too, impressed with Chanhee’s outfit and makeup combo that makes him look like a rich influencer from out of town, and unsurprised to see that Kevin makes the blandest black turtleneck and a collection of bracelets work in his favor. Juyeon is wearing the same leather jacket he wears every time they go out, but he gets praise all around the table for it, which Jaehyun thinks it’s fair—he does rock the casual look.
Jacob is a different story. He did make an effort, Jaehyun will give him that. The black hoodie he was wearing at the store has been replaced by a graphite bomber jacket with a white shirt underneath. A simple silver necklace with a sun pendant hangs around his neck, and his ears are pierced, something Jaehyun didn’t notice earlier. But with him, it’s not about the outfit. He just looks… really good. Surprisingly, astonishingly good.
Jaehyun doesn’t stare, but only because he has enough presence of mind not to. Because he wants to. He really, really wants to. But he’s sitting right next to him, so it’s hard not to make it obvious.
The conversation flows easily, because Kevin is excitement personified tonight, and he, Juyeon, and Chanhee bounce off each other as if they do this every night, even though they don’t. Jacob and Jaehyun watch more than they participate, but Juyeon is always trying to include Jaehyun while Kevin does the same for Jacob, so they’re not completely out of the loop. They’re just quieter, watching the other three get rowdier and rowdier without the need to get more drinks after the first two rounds.
“Wait, wait, hang on,” Kevin puts his hands out to interrupt Chanhee in the middle of his passionate explanation of the plot of a drama he’s been hate-watching. Kevin points to the ceiling, turns to look at Juyeon. “Isn’t that your song? The one you performed right before graduation?”
Chanhee throws his hands up too, almost as chaotic as Kevin by now, nearly knocking his empty glass. “Oh my god, it is. Get up. Up, up, up!”
Between the two of them, they coax an outwardly embarrassed, inwardly pleased Juyeon (because Jaehyun can tell the difference) to stand up, and proceed to drag him to the tiny empty space in the middle of the bar where a handful of people are standing up, even fewer drunk-dancing to the beat.
It’s cute, and sort of embarrassing too, because Juyeon has an entire choreography for this song but he’s trying not to go all out for it here while Kevin cheers him on and Chanhee doubles over laughing.
Jaehyun looks to the side. Jacob is watching them too, looking a bit more relaxed now than he did when they first got to the bar, elbows on the table, lips curved into a small smile. He meets Jaehyun’s eyes.
“Are they always like this?”
“Worse,” Jaehyun says on autopilot. Nevermind that he hasn’t seen Kevin in years and didn’t know Chanhee and Juyeon knew each other until tonight. He’s too busy noticing how Jacob laughs with his entire face to care about details right now. “I like your jacket.”
“Thanks.” Jacob’s eyes flick down. “I like yours, too.”
Jaehyun looks down, having forgotten for a second what he’s wearing. A jean jacket. Very typical of him. He’s in no position to judge Juyeon for his loyal leather jacket.
“I swear I’m not usually this boring.”
“You’re not boring. Jean jackets are very in right now,” Jacob says, unconvincingly. With the look Jaehyun gives him, he laughs. “I mean, Dua Lipa makes them look cool... I think? Is that her? I don’t know anything about pop music, actually, that’s Kevin’s thing.”
The name shocks Jaehyun into the present again. Right. Kevin. Before he can think it through, the words are out of his mouth. “You and Kevin…?”
Jacob stares at him, patiently, as if waiting for him to continue. When he doesn’t, Jacob goes, “Oh! Oh, no. We’re friends. He’s my best friend.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Started as coworkers, then we became roommates, then best friends,” Jacob explains. “Now all of those at once. But not—We’re not together, no.”
“Right.” Jaehyun takes a sip of his beer, fumbling for his next words. “Right, I was just wondering—”
“Yeah, no, we’d never—”
“Because if you were, that’d be totally cool,” Jaehyun says, then flinches. Awful. Just awful. “Not that my opinion matters.”
Jacob doesn’t take it the wrong way. He chuckles, licks his lips. When he looks up at Jaehyun again, his eyes are curious. Searching.
“What about you? Anyone in the picture?”
“Oh, no,” Jaehyun stretches the word to drive his point home. “Chanhee didn’t tell you the hot goss?”
“No, and he would not call it that, I don’t think.”
Jaehyun laughs. “He really wouldn’t.”
He watches his friends embarrass themselves for a moment, steeling himself for it. It’s a funny thing, having to do that—he realizes he never had to tell what happened to anyone, because everyone around him just knew.
“I’m the resident asshole,” Jaehyun explains. “I broke things off with my girlfriend of years just about… six months ago? A little more than that. Around the New Years.”
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that,” Jacob says, and he does sound empathetic. Gentle. His hand twitches, like he’s about to hold Jaehyun’s on top of the table, but stops himself at the last second. Jaehyun wishes he had gone through with it, and doesn’t question that thought either. “Was it hard?”
“The breakup?”
Jacob nods. Then amends, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. It’s—Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”
Jaehyun smiles. “Are you always this nice, or is it just because you’re talking to a loser?”
“You don’t look like a loser to me.”
It almost slips from his lips, the then what do I look like to you? but Jaehyun holds it back. It’s irrelevant. What does he care what Jacob thinks about him? They don’t know each other. Jaehyun barely cares about what the people he does know think of him.
“It wasn’t,” he says instead, getting the conversation back on track. “The breakup, I mean. It wasn’t hard. It wasn’t gonna work out either way.”
“Why not?”
“I didn’t love her,” Jaehyun says. “Not like I was supposed to, anyway. I know how melodramatic that sounds, but it’s just—I couldn’t do it. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah,” Jacob says, softer than ever. “I do, actually.”
There’s recognition there. Jacob sees him, and it makes Jaehyun wonder if he went through something similar, if they’re kindred spirits in a way. Something about it warms Jaehyun to the core, the idea that he and Jacob might have things in common. Experiences, as bitter as they may have been. It’s hard to imagine Jacob having trouble loving someone, but Jaehyun figures he doesn’t know him all that well yet.
He wants to, though. He wants to know him.
“Did Chanhee take you to the theater yet?”
Jacob is confused for a moment—he obviously wasn’t expecting a question like that. “No?”
“Do you wanna see it? It’s a couple blocks from here,” Jaehyun points over his shoulder. He could point to the theater from anywhere in town, probably. “It’s one of my favorite places in the world.”
“Oh, you mean, just the building? I thought you meant if he had taken me to see a play.”
Jaehyun laughs, terribly endeared. “Just the building.”
“Sure,” Jacob agrees faster than he was expecting him to. “Yeah, I’d love that.”
He waits by the table as Jacob goes over to Kevin and whispers something to him. Kevin looks over his shoulder, at Jaehyun, and whispers something back. They seem to come to an agreement, because Jacob walks back soon after. Before he reaches Jaehyun, however, Kevin shouts, “Bring him back home in one piece!”
Jaehyun touches his temple with two fingers in a salute, a promise to do so. He knows Kevin will fill Juyeon in too as soon as he can.
The world is much quieter outside the bar. Jaehyun starts leading them on the short walk to the theater, hands in the pockets of his jacket. He watches Jacob’s face once they’re out, the way he looks up at the sky. Jaehyun follows his gaze and sees nothing but a clear night sky.
“You guys have a lot more stars here,” Jacob marvels.
Of course. Jaehyun forgot about that, because it’s not really something new to him. The sky looks the same as it always did, in his head.
“Perspective,” Jaehyun offers. “My stars are the same as yours. It’s just easier to see them from here.”
“You know what I mean,” Jacob retorts, but he’s amused. “Do you always have an answer for everything?”
Jaehyun grins. “I wish.”
The side door Jaehyun uses when he does his sporadic check-in visits to the theater is unlocked. He explains, to a surprised Jacob, that they don’t really need to lock the place up. It’s a small theater, right next to the church, and if something does go missing, they usually know which of the troubled kids in town is responsible for it. His job, when he’s not volunteering as a stagehand during the school year, is to check the lights and the equipment at least once a week, though he tends to do it twice just to be safe.
“This counts as my second check-in this week, then,” Jaehyun says as he finishes turning on the lights in the audience too, so it’s easier to see the entire theater from where they’re standing on stage. “Two birds, one stone.”
Jacob is looking around, facing the empty audience. “You know how to make a guy feel special,” he jokes under his breath, distracted as he takes in the whole place.
Jaehyun’s cheeks heat up, but he can’t be sure if it’s because of the implication or if it’s because he’s embarrassed about his comment now. A mix of both, most likely. He’s standing a little behind Jacob, watching the light reflect off the blond of his hair and give him something of a halo. Jacob turns around to look for him, and Jaehyun needs to take a couple steps forward so he’s not just a shadow against the light.
“I can see why you like it here,” Jacob says. He waits until Jaehyun is standing next to him to look towards the audience again. “It’s so quiet. So peaceful.”
“It’s a little funny too, because I used to get so nervous before going up on stage,” Jaehyun admits. He chuckles to himself. “This place looked massive to me back then.”
Jacob sighs. “Oh man, do I know the feeling.”
His profile looks beautiful like this, under the stage lights. Jaehyun watches him, waits a moment for him to volunteer more. When he doesn’t, Jaehyun says, “You look like you belong here.”
Jacob smiles, impossibly wide. “On stage?”
“Yeah.”
“I thought so, too. I mean. I tried to convince myself I did at one point.”
Jaehyun swallows dry. He doesn’t want to push, but he is curious, and he doesn’t get the feeling Jacob is uncomfortable talking about it either, so. “Was that your dream?”
“Oh no, nothing like that. I never dreamed about being on stage, or about anything at all, really,” Jacob says. “I just—I thought I should give it a try? But it didn’t go well. Stage fright, sort of.”
Jaehyun’s stomach drops. “Oh, fuck. I’m so sorry, we can leave if you want—”
“No, hey,” Jacob laughs and touches Jaehyun’s elbow. It’s that brief contact that tethers Jaehyun to the here and now, prevents his anxiety from skyrocketing. “That’s so sweet of you, but I’m fine, I promise. The fear was more about performing in front of people than the stage itself. This right here is... awesome, actually.”
There’s nothing in his face that suggests he’s lying for Jaehyun’s benefit, which is a relief, but Jaehyun still feels a little stumped that he unwittingly brought up what must be not so nice memories to Jacob. He’s tongue-tied for a second too long, until Jacob takes his hand and guides him to the edge of the stage, where he sits down and tugs Jaehyun’s hand until he’s sitting next to him.
“Come on,” Jacob says. He nudges Jaehyun with his shoulder; they’re sitting so close that their thighs are pressed together. “Tell me some stories about your time on stage. You look like you might have a few interesting ones.”
Jaehyun tries to hold off a smile, and fails. He nudges Jacob back, just for the hell of it. “You just want blackmail material to use against Kevin, be honest.”
“That’s a bonus, true,” Jacob concedes. They laugh, and Jaehyun loses track of time again as his entire world seems to narrow down to Jacob’s smile. “No, but seriously, I wanna hear it.”
So Jaehyun tells him. He talks about his first play ever, when he was a supporting character with two lines and still managed to get both wrong on the first night. He tells him about the favorite character he’s ever played, the fox in The Little Prince, and how he had whiskers on for the entire play. He talks about Kevin, too, but he’s honest, tells him Kevin was the most passionate actor on stage no matter the production they were bringing to life, and that he really shone bright when it came to musicals.
Jacob listens intently, laughs with him, asks questions and jokes when Jaehyun can’t remember the answer to something, lamenting their old age. It’s easy, surprisingly so, to forget the world outside. Jacob is sunlight and warmth in human form, funny and sweet and so, so genuine.
It’s when there’s a lull in the conversation, both still smiling at his last story, that Jaehyun notices Jacob watching him. They look at each other for a moment, not saying anything, just staring.
Jaehyun wonders if Jacob can feel it, the static in the air. Crackling with something he can’t name, but that feels far more promising than electricity.
Jacob leans in and kisses him.
He’s deliberate about it, gives Jaehyun more than enough time to pull away, but Jaehyun doesn’t. Not at first. It takes him a couple of seconds to react, brain catching up to him only after his heart remembers how to beat again. When he does react, it’s to pull back, eyes wide and breath already in disarray.
What is he doing?
It takes him the eternity of a second, as their eyes meet, to second-guess himself. What is he doing, really? Should he be doing this? Does he want to? The answers come not in words, but in a feeling, so absolute and urgent that it takes away what little control Jaehyun had left over his breathing.
Jaehyun kisses him this time.
It’s curious. Jaehyun never really wondered what it would feel like to kiss another guy, and when he finally does, that’s not what he’s thinking about. He does notice the skin on Jacob’s jawline is a bit more rough than he’s used to, similar to his own, and he does feel the calluses on Jacob’s fingers when he cups his face, but he doesn’t attribute value to those differences, nor is he worried about cataloguing them. Those are secondary observations, popping away the second they come up.
What takes over his every thought is Jacob. The softness of his lips, the taste of his mouth, the aroma of his cologne. The hands on his face, so gentle, so Jacob. When Jaehyun touches his neck, his fingers brush against the necklace, cold against hot skin, before coming into contact with the coppery hair, softer to the touch than Jaehyun could have imagined. Every single touch feels amplified, multiplied, impossibly heightened.
Jacob takes his breath away while breathing life into him.
They kiss until Jaehyun’s gasping for air, until he stands up and pulls Jacob up with him. Like this, they’re closer, bodies pressed against each other. They trip over their feet when Jaehyun kisses Jacob again, so eager that he almost throws them off-balance; Jacob laughs, the sound running through Jaehyun’s body all at once, and holds onto Jaehyun to keep themselves from toppling over.
For the first time in his life, Jaehyun learns that kissing can be a full-body experience. Then he wonders what else Jacob can make him feel, and if he can give Jacob the same kind of euphoria in return.
Jaehyun never imagined himself doing something like this, but he takes Jacob backstage, to the storage area. It’s a small, cramped room, but they barely notice that as they make it onto the only bed there, covered in plastic and white sheets like most of the props around them.
Jacob is patient, kind, generous. He takes Jaehyun’s hand when he starts feeling a little nervous, kisses his knuckles when Jaehyun can’t seem to get his zipper to work. They don’t cross any lines Jaehyun hasn’t crossed before; it’s just hands and lips and tongue and touch, but it feels so unbelievably good, as if Jaehyun has never experienced any of it before. Like it’s his first time realizing he has a body, a touch-starved one, and that sex can be more than a mechanical sequence of steps—it can be a rhapsodical mess, chaotic and unruly, taking him to a state of elation until he feels his skin crackle with the same energy he felt on stage, only infinitely more intense.
How strange, Jaehyun thinks, to find a piece of yourself in someone else’s existence. But how beautiful, too.