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He pulls at his hair, rocking back and forth.
He had been trying to convince himself for hours at this point that he was okay, that Jim wasn't doing this on purpose.
He knew rationally it was all in his head. Everything being overwhelming and Jim drifting away from him was all in his head. That it all stemmed from the abandonment that he couldn't even remember , and that he was paranoid over something that wasn't even happening.
But no matter how many times or in what way Toby tried to phrase it to himself, he couldn't convince himself of that being the truth. That was, unless it was from the source.
So, reluctantly, he messaged Jim to come over to talk about it. As well as supervise him. Toby knew how.. Uh. Self destructive.. he could get during his meltdowns. He had seen this situation coming eventually. It was bound to happen with how much he bottled emotions and kept it all to himself until it blew up in his face. Just like it always had since he was small.
"Toby, try and take a deep breath with me. It's okay if you can't at first."
He says this as he gently takes Toby's hands away from his head, intertwining their fingers, rubbing at his soft hands as a way to ground the other. Jim does a few on his own, waiting for Toby to possibly follow along.
Toby tries to take in a breath to follow along as expected, but it all falls apart and he collapses into himself, crawling up on the ground into a ball of finally overflowing feelings. Being unable to complete, or even really start the exercise was the straw that broke the camel's back, it just made him more upset, to the point of a full blown meltdown instead of just being on the verge of one.
While it felt god fucking awful , he feels a bit of.. relief as the tears begin to aggressively run down his face. Hot, hot tears run down and onto his pant legs, the warmth spreading across his body. With the amount of water leaking, it feels to him he would drown in it all, making it even harder to breathe.
He pulls one of his hands away from Jim, pounding his lone fist at his leg without any rhythm to it. He coughs and sobs, sniffs and chokes. But he just keeps pounding, the rising emotions just adding to the energy put into the aggressive stimming.
Jim breathes out quietly to himself, finishing up the last breathing exercise before removing his remaining hand from Toby's. He instead gently wraps his arms around the ball of emotions that was Toby, before steadily increasing the grip on him, as if Jim was a human weighted blanket. Toby's fist pounding slows, only leaving an achy feeling in his legs as the only remains of the stimming. Apart from possibly a few red marks under the fabric as well.
"Take your time, I'll still be here." Jim knows how to take care of Toby during his meltdowns. He knew Toby needed physical touch to feel safe. He knew he needed positive reinforcement. He knew he needed patience. Toby tries again to do the breathing exercise on his own, Jim follows along, making his breathing as audible as possible to help him along the way.
They continue until his breathing is mostly steady, with only the occasional sob breaking through every once in a while.
Toby was the one to break the silence of speech,
"Why am I so bad at this.."
"The breathing exercises?"
"No!- I mean-.." He cuts himself off for a moment, sighing to himself. "Emotions. And yeah.. I guess the breathing too.."
"No ones really.. Well, huh, 'good' at emotions. No one really knows what we're doing. You just handle emotions in ways others might.. Not, I suppose."
"... And I hate it."
Jim stays silent for a moment, so Toby takes the chance to keep talking.
"You were never the problem, I'm.. I'm just always the problem… I shouldn't be so needy and clingy, so what if I'm lonely for no apparent reason, why should anyone give a flying fuck? "
" I give a flying fuck. You're my best friend in the whole wide world, not to mention we're dating. You aren't 'clingy,' you have your reasons for how you feel and act. I just want to make sure you feel as good as I can possibly ever make you."
His speech was somehow gentle, yet it only makes Toby sob more for a few moments as Jim rubbed circles on Toby's back. Toby knew he had no reason to be getting more upset, but hearing Jim simultaneously go against his anxieties and tell him he's allowed to feel upset so carefully and softly like that makes him emotional. His grip around himself tightens.
After awhile of sobbing to himself, he gives the other a pained; "I'm sorry-,,"
"There's nothing to apologize for, Tobes."
"...but it must be tiring having to take care of me like this.."
Jim closes his eyes slightly, his answer quick but calm. "It's not tiring. I understand how hard your.. situation is, Tobes. I really don't mind taking care of you. You say I mother my mother a lot, right? Let me mother you too sometimes."
Toby moves to look at Jim for a long moment, before his face morphs as he unravels from the ball he was in, then quickly and roughly wraps his arms around Jim. Jim on the other hand, makes a small "oof-" sound when falling back slightly from the force, and then wraps his own arms back around Toby.
They stayed in the silence for a while, with only Toby's sniffles once in a while breaking it for a moment or so.
Jim's shoulder now damp, he gently places his head up against Toby's, who in return leans into him.
'Why are you even doing this. You know he hates you and just is going to leave you too, you fucking idiot. It's your fault they left you and it'll be your fault when he leaves you too. Just be normal for once in your goddamn life. '
Toby's grip increased, feeling as though if he let go he'd also be letting Jim get away like his anxiety kept telling him he was going to.
Feeling the intensity of Toby's grip increase, he gently runs his hand through his hair, careful not to pull it too much after having it be pulled at previously.
"It's not your fault, Toby"
"I know." The answer was automatic, a defense mechanism.
" It's not your fault ."
His defense begins to crumble, "I- I know.."
Jim takes a moment to respond, careful with his words, not to make them sound upset or angry.
"Do you?"
Silence. A heavy one at that.
"Sorry-.. It's.. It's okay to not feel sure, but it really isn't your fault, Toby... You were just a little kid.. It's not your fault"
Toby sniffles, rubbing his eyes wet from tears. He takes a deep breath, and once done pulls away just far enough to see Jim's face. Jim smiles at him, removing his hand from Toby's hair and entwining their fingers again.
"How do you feel?"
"Still like shit." His voice is a bit hoarse as he speaks.
"Mm… is there anything I can do for you or get you?"
"Well.. My throat hurts from crying."
He nods in reply. "Are you okay to be on your own for a minute?"
"Yeah. I think so." His mind was still a bit foggy but he could find something to occupy it in the meantime.
Jim gives him a smile and moves away from him, standing up and making his way towards the door. Right before he leaves he turns back to Toby.
"Is there anything else you'd like?" Toby only shakes his head, tired from the elongated emotions. Jim, without another word exits the room and only the pitter patter of his feet going down the stairs could be heard.
Toby looks around his general area, taking it all back in. The room didn't feel as big as it did a couple minutes ago. The room around him actually felt kinda nice. It was the room he'd had for as long as he could remember. Toby takes a deep breath and stretches, going to lay on his back and rest his eyes until Jim gets back with the water.
-----------
"Hey Tobes, I'm back- oh." Jim opens the door to Toby's room peeking in only to see Toby on the ground with his eyes closed. Toby at the sound of Jim's voice opens his eyes to look, then sits up and gives a small wave to him.
"Hey Jimbo."
Jim smiles at the nickname. He seems to be feeling a little better. That's good. He walks in with the glass of water in hand, careful not to spill any. He doesn't sit down immediately, and instead hands the cup over to Toby who quickly takes a big gulp of it.
"Hey! Be careful, you might-"
…
..Choke.
Jim sighs lovingly and rolls his eyes at him with a fond smile. He pulls something out of his pocket and sits down next to him, rubbing his back as he coughs. It stopped, but it left a funny feeling in his throat.
"You alright?" Jim looks over to him, moving his face into Toby's peripheral.
Toby chuckles, "No, I just died, I'm dead. Cause of death: drowning in 3 AM water."
He blinks, taking in the joke before bursting out laughing, in the process turning his head away from the other. Why was he laughing so hard?? Toby laughs sheepishly, not really sure how to respond to... that response.
His laughing continues but slowly settles down. He apologizes, with laughter breaking through every couple of moments.
"Sorry, sorry- it's just-" Laughter. He can't seem to get the words out. "'3 AM water' sounds like its some like- haunted-witching-hour-water that somehow murdered you-" He laughs again.
Toby snorts, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. Both their laughter continues
"That.. that's so stupid." He barely suppressed laughter through the small sentence, he puts his head on Jim's shoulder, laughing not-so-quietly into it.
Laughing still, Jim replies, "I know,"
They were so sleep deprived that somehow something so trivial was so hilarious to them.
Their laughter eventually calmed down and all that was left was their smiles still spread across their faces. Jim was the first to speak up after that,
"You gonna finish that or is your throat somehow not hoarse from the crying and laughing?"
"Oh shit,-"
"Don't choke. Don't want my boyfriend actually dying from the 3 AM witching-hour-water."
Toby snickered again for a moment, before his face went stone cold to repress it.
"Jimbo stop you're gonna make me laugh again-" The cold face failed, it only made him laugh again at how stupid this whole thing was. He takes a deep breath, and then continues to drink his water with no problems this time around.
Jim smiles again, happy to see Toby's mood improving so much since when he first came over. He was finding it hard not to laugh when before… well. Yeah. He wasn't in the best head-space. He watches as Toby finishes the water, only just now remembering what he grabbed earlier.
"Oh hey, I got this for you." He passes it over to him.
".... I'm on a diet, Jim."
Jim shakes his head. "Not right now. One Nougat-Nummy isn't gonna ruin your diet. Plus you deserve it and more after what happened."
Toby looks at it and smiles, he gives him a quick peck but only pulls back slightly. "I love you."
"Love you too.. Hunny-bunny."
Toby's cheeks flush a little as he rolls his eyes. "That nickname again?"
"All the other pet names are weird. Like why would someone want to call someone a food? I like cooking but that's just.."
"And 'hunny-bunny' isn't weird?" He smirks.
Jim rolls his eyes again. "Just eat your Nougat-Nummy and head to bed. I'm tired."
"Alright, alright. Me too."