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He had never felt on fire before. Not for another person.
The need to be one with her, to fill himself up with her, consumed him endlessly.
Bloodlust, he was used to and had often indulged himself with. Violent underground fights he himself organised.
Sexual lust - and dared he say it aloud, romantic love - were alien to his experiences of life so far.
Ever since she had entered his world, however, a fever had taken a hold of him, never letting go, physically or mentally.
There was no shortage of admirers or opportunists, of women and men who flocked to him. His looks, the charisma, money and power. He had been less than interested, all his focus on satisfying his appetite for blood, instead.
When she had happened, he was left floundering. He had no prior knowledge of what to do and the advice he had sought had not been helpful in the least.
They were from very different worlds, and all the advantages he had which might be attractive to most women seemed meaningless to her.
She was unfazed by his physical appearance, nor was she dazzled by the influence and resources at his disposal. She treated him as she treated the other people she met during official events. Unfailingly courteous but always distant.
In the beginning, he had attempted a conventional courting, sending her flowers, invitations to coffee or dinner. Even tried to be flirtatious that few times despite her cold reception.
She had not only rebuffed his advances but had directly told him to stop, even telling him off to his face, albeit nicely. He never knew rejection could be so cloyingly bitter.
To say he had been dejected would be a major disservice to his heretofore nonexistent feelings, but soon enough his win-at-all-cost-spirit reared its head. Of course the only person to catch his attention and made him fall would not be easy.
He could not expect his love to be like the other fawning women or men he regularly encountered.
So, he had changed his approach and bided his time. He knew what he was doing was beyond the bounds of anything acceptable, but it was one of the only ways he knew to satisfy his yearning for her in the face of her immediate rejection.
He had her, her schedules and routines investigated. Thoroughly.
Joined the gym he knew she was a member at, attempting to be there whenever she was. All so that he could be closer to her.
Started running at the same time and places she routinely did.
Had hidden cameras installed in her home, including her bedroom. The only space he left out was the toilet and bathroom, and not because he was not tempted by the prospects.
An inner voice had cautioned him against the notion. For once, he had heeded it.
Unfortunately, all the hidden cameras were discovered and destroyed, though none of his team knew how. The tech they had utilised were near military grade installations and unless one was similarly equipped, could not be easily uncovered.
Was she as paranoid as to check her apartment with professional-grade detectors for hidden devices regularly? The implications of that fact was abhorrent to him, though he was more miffed by the failure of his own plans than anything else.
That was another major setback he had had to endure. At the last, he had to be content with videos and photos taken of her in public spaces.
The realization of the danger she might encounter through her line of work and daily life, however, had him adding an extra layer to his surveillance team. Now, instead of just spying on her and reporting to him, the men were required to ensure her personal safety, even if only from afar.
Aside from the necessary initial greetings, she never gave him as much as a glance at the gym or the occasional public events, but he was there whenever she was and that had to be enough for the moment.
Being allowed to feast his eyes on her in the flesh made up for the many humiliations she had heaped on him.
The background check on her had turned up a relatively long term relationship in her early-to-mid-twenties, which ended when she left for further studies in the United States.
That man had married by now, but they seemed to still be on friendly terms.
Did she still hold a torch for him?
The resultant conflagration of jealousy had been another bitter pill to swallow. Jealousy was not a novelty he had any use for. He had felt even more feral for her than he was wont to, and it did not sit well with him.
It also made him realise that he needed concrete action soon, because there was no guarantee that she would remain unattached, though it seemed likely for the time being.
He might not be her first, as she was for him, but he intended to be her last. There could be no other possibility.
He knew on an intellectual level that being a voyeur, peering into her private life without her consent was impermissible, but he could not say that he was remorseful of his actions.
After all, what she did not know would not hurt her. He would just need to keep his secret safe when she became his.
Her life seemed mainly to revolve around work and her father, with socializing mostly confined to the sporadic dinners with colleagues and work events.
The things he wanted to do to her, for her, with her, could fill a library.
Soft and tender emotions had never suffused him with regard to another person, his mother being the sole exception, until her. It was disorientating.
In many ways, he categorized his life as before, and after Kang Kwon Joo.
*** *** *** *** ***
Before, his focus was on the family business and the taste for violence and blood which had preoccupied him since young.
Happening upon his father beating up someone while he had been a young pre-teen had awakened an ugliness in him, tempered only by the love and tenderness his beloved mother showered on him.
She had played a major role in channeling his violent impulses towards martial prowess, paving the way for his illicit activities. Still, when he had required the necessary therapy, she had pushed his father to let him have it.
His parents had had a major fallout during that period, and while his mother had wanted marriage counselling, his father had refused. She went on her own, and the sessions seemed to have helped her come to terms with many of the problems she had agonized over.
It had been a difficult time for their family.
His parents had separated and against his father’s wishes, on the pretext of wanting him to have a more advanced level of education, she had relocated them to the United States so that he could receive the treatment he had needed.
They lived near the family of his mother’s sister, and while he did not really bond with his cousins, he had still coped.
While he had needed time to adjust to a totally alien environment and the therapy sessions, it was not necessarily a turbulent time for him, mainly because his mother had been a steady and loving presence. Tempering the hideousness within him with her warmth and kindness.
Under his mother’s care - and professional therapy - the ruthless and sadistic streaks in him were not nurtured further, but controlled and diverted into less directly harmful avenues.
As an adult, he came to understand that his mother’s care and love had prevented him from developing more sociopathic tendencies.
He had no wish to devastate his wonderful and considerate mother with a son who was a killer. So, he had psyched and trained himself into not becoming one, but the fascination with being the bearer of death had remained a germ at the back of his mind.
Now, he took pride in his own ability to control the chained monsters. To fully own the knowledge that he could easily end someone’s life, but chose not to.
Nevertheless, the pent up aggressiveness had to have an outlet, and he found it while he was once again on North American soil to further his tertiary education, alone that time around.
His parents reconciled while he was furthering his Masters of Business Administration and by the time he returned home, his father had been ready to let him join the family business.
Through everything, the noise in his mind continue unabated.
He, more than anyone, knew of the lack which existed in himself. Aside from his mother, he could not seem to form attachment with others. Everything was calculated, emotionless.
On the bright side, it was a very useful trait in the business world.
That absence of curiousity towards others extended to the sexual, physical and emotional. Contrary to the image he cultivated scrupulously for himself and others, all those amorphous humans held no interest for him.
He was also fastidious. The only flesh to hold any allure for him were ones he had a hand in marring and bleeding out.
As he got older, however, his disinterest in a partner had resulted in some friction with his parents, his mother in particular, and so he had learned to pacify her by concocting stories and gossip.
Fortunately, his mother had been willing to be fooled by his act.
Employing a few women to pose as his lovers had helped tremendously in getting her off his back with regards to marriage and children.
He would still get nagged now and again about settling down, but a few words from him about trying would be enough to placate her for a time.
He had pondered on the need to find a marriage partner who could put up with an arrangement. Perhaps another chaebol daughter, who would understand the importance of putting up appearances without the need for real efforts in private.
In time, he did not doubt that even children could be arranged.
His father would have been happy with that, he was certain.
Now, however, he could tell his mother truthfully that he had found someone he wished to spend his life with.
The only problem was persuading the woman of that fact.
*** *** *** *** ***
Post-Kang Kwon Joo had seen his life transformed.
This fixation he had for her filled a cavern in his heart he never realised existed.
Her soothing presence and voice calmed the beasts within.
He could recall vividly the night he first met her.
While he had been reluctant to put in a show at what was yet another public relations event, organised by the Police Department to publicize a newly setup Golden Time Call Centre, his mood was buoyed by the successful organization of a fight he had been looking forward to for the next night.
So, at the last minute, on a whim, he had decided to attend. He had heard about Senior-Inspector Kang through the grapevine. What he had heard had him pegging her as an exceedingly boring person. Another person to shake hands with and then brush aside.
He had expected to show his face and then leave as soon as it was polite to do so. Never could he have predicted that he would be so absorbed by her presence he stayed until the end.
She had caught his eye the moment he entered the hall. He could not understand the reason for it, because in a room full of uniformed men and women, she did not stand out.
Yet, his eyes had strayed and landed on her quiet form. And remained fixed on her throughout the event.
Being one of the main stars of the event, she had been introduced to him as soon as he had arrived.
Up close, her effect on him was akin to a major collision. She felt like a safe haven. Her warm and soft voice also effortlessly subdued the ever present braying in his mind, something he had never conceived to be attainable.
He was literally in awe.
She was no great beauty, but exuded an aura of unwavering calm and confidence. His eyes could not help but drink her in. His senses vibrating in anticipation, of what, he did not know.
He had shaken countless hands, most he would have preferred to smash up, leave broken and bleeding.
Her soft hand in his called forth a heretofore unknown desire to treasure and be gentle.
He was left bewildered the rest of the evening, only to be shaken out of his daze at the reality of the event ending and her exit from his life.
Later, he would recognise that it was the tranquility she embodied which had beckoned to him.
Inside, storms were constantly raging. His main respite from them had been his rigorous martial training, and the force of impact of his fists on the flesh of others.
Pain and exertion had offered fleeting relief from the inner turmoil.
Her advent into his life had shown him an alternate path towards that highly sought after quietude.
She was the eye of the storm, steadfast and peaceful, an oasis for his weary body, heart and mind. He could never let her go.
In the face of her initial rejection, he had attempted to distract himself with impostors.
Women who could pass as her doppelgängers. None were compelling in the least. Not their body, mannerisms or voice.
None were her.
He had even allowed a few to strip for him but while he had no idea how she looked naked, all had nonetheless fell short. Either they were too perfect looking, or not. Breasts too large, too small. Legs too long or not enough.
One came close enough to his imagination and he had even permitted her to touch him and sit on his lap, but the moment she did, the fantasy bubble he had tried to fabricate in his mind invariably burst.
Her scent and voice were all kinds of wrong, and even if she had just kept quiet she had smelled and felt off.
He had unceremoniously deposited her on to the floor, leaving her gawking at him as he swept out of the room.
The one thought which had played a loop in his mind as he walked out and gave instructions for the woman to be well compensated was the fact that calm, composed and commanding Senior-Inspector Kang would not have deigned to gape at him so unseemingly.
He was beyond foolish to have even considered that an imitation of a replacement could be had.
He might be masterful at the deception of others but he had never been able to lie to himself.
He wanted Kang Kwon Joo to come to him willingly. To love him for himself. The cracks and seams which inhabited him.
Easier to hope for than to make reality, however.
This was not a person he could manipulate easily. Money, ambition and influence did not appear to appeal to her.
In the normal course of his life, not many obstacles remained in the face of the arsenal of advantages he had to work with in achieving his objectives.
With her, all that became worthless. In her eyes, he did not seem to possess anything attractive as a prospective partner.
His looks, charisma and grooming were also rendered less than futile in the face of her apathy.
He might have been voted one of the most eligible bachelors around a few years straight, but to her, he might as well have been invisible man.
Against her continued indifference, his confidence plummeted and he found himself confounded about the next steps he could take to approach her.
He went so far as to confer with a relationship consultant and while he received some useful pointers, he still lacked the opportunity to implement the strategies or tips garnered.
While he was beyond frustrated, he found that the drive to take them out on others had lessened.
In the past, the vicious fights he had indulged in had given him a measure of pleasure and satisfaction he rarely found elsewhere but now, even those had lost their pull on him.
Instead of participating in the fights organised, he discovered he preferred to stay home and watch recordings of her. The calm in his heart just from seeing her on his screen trumped the gratification of a win, any time.
Increasingly, however, just staring at her through a screen or across a distance ceased to be satisfactory.
He longed to hear her say something more than, “Annyeong haseyo, Representative Mo,” to his face, whether at the gym or any events he made sure to attend if she was, too.
Desperate to hear her call his name in that soft but composed cadence of hers. To moan his name at the peak he brought her to. To breath in the scent of her. To learn of the taste uniquely hers.
He grew both restless and listless, and the intense trainings he wallowed in offered little in terms of diversion. Burying himself in work proved fruitless as well.
Was this what it felt like to be lovesick?
*** *** *** *** ***
Unbeknownst to him then, his mother would prove to be key in his efforts to get closer to Kang Kwon Joo.
Prior to that however, he was plunged into further despair at the hopelessness of his unrequited feelings, and even thwarted anger when he received the report that her father would be moving back in to live with her.
The opening he had needed had happened right under his nose, and he had nearly missed it because he had been too preoccupied with the aggravation resulting from that change.
During their regular Sunday brunch, his mother, always sensitive to his moods, had remarked on his uncharacteristic low spirits but he had brushed away her concern, citing work related stress.
To divert her attention from him, he instead enquired about her volunteer work. His mother was an active board member of a number of charities in their city, and passionate about fundraising and other activities.
He was only paying cursory attention to her recounting of some gossip or other about the members of her regular church when a bombshell landed.
His mother was looking at him, “Young people nowadays just love having their parents be concerned about their prospects for marriage, don’t you?”
He sighed inwardly, “Eomma… I already told you I have someone in mind. Please just be patient. I am trying my best.”
She smiled a bit at his words but still proceeded to chide him, “Please don’t let me wait too long. I am not getting any younger. I would love to see my grandchildren before I leave this world.”
“I will make sure you have a long and healthy life,” he cajoled softly.
“Well, back to Mr Kang, our new member. He mentioned the same thing to me the other day. His daughter is a highly educated and qualified professional but focused only on work. He asked me whether I would have any suitable candidates to introduce to his daughter.”
“Don’t tell me you are trying to play matchmaker now, Eomma?” He pretended to be scandalized, teasing his mother but cringed inwardly.
“I have seen Mr Kang’s daughter on the news before. We also met briefly the other day. She is a beautiful and capable girl, well-mannered. I am sure she will make someone a fine wife and daughter-in-law. I thought of Secretary Ahn, and am hoping to ask whether he might be interested. What do you think?”
“Eomma, don’t tell me you are serious about this? I highly doubt Secretary Ahn will be interested. Doesn’t he already have a girlfriend?”
He had been slightly surprised by his mother’s earnest words. She was not the gossipy or interfering type.
“He doesn’t. He mentioned that he was hoping to settle down one of these days. That is why I thought of him. Mr Kang did ask me personally. Otherwise, I would not have thought of playing matchmaker.”
His mother turned a small smile at him, “I really like Senior-Inspector Kang. She is doing so much good for our city with that newly established Golden Time Task Force. It would be wonderful if she has a husband to take care of her. She takes such good care of her father too.”
To admit to being flabbergasted by the words coming from his mother’s mouth would have been an understatement. He stared at her, dumbstruck.
She looked at him, a bit confused by his expression, “Why, did I say something wrong?”
“Are we talking about a certain Senior-Inspector Kang Kwon Joo here?”
“Yes. Do you know her?”
“Do I…?” He debated whether to be honest about the predicament he was in, but deciding that he had more to gain than lose by letting her in on it, he admitted, “She is the woman I told you about, the one I hope to marry.”
His mother stared back at him, perplexed, “But Mr Kang told me his daughter is still single…”
Notching it up as another snub to attribute to Senior-Inspector Kang, he ruefully admitted, “We are not even friends. I was rejected when I tried to court her.”
After a beat, his mother laughed softly, “You are my precious son and I love you more than anyone or anything, but Senior-Inspector Kang is wiser and smarter than I even give her credit for.”
“Eomma?!” He was affronted by his mother’s words.
She patted his hand, “No self-respecting woman would accept you, dear son. You do realise you change girlfriends as often as you do your clothes?”
He was rendered speechless. Never in all his ruminations had he ever thought that the personal image he had built up could be a factor in his ruin when it came to Kang Kwon Joo.
In too many instances, that image had been a very effective weapon. He had revelled in it. More than just a projected persona, it was a part of his armour.
Now, his mother was telling him that it was precisely this sophisticated and suave persona which had demolished his chances even before he was given the opportunity to throw his lot in.
“She seems like a simple girl. Unless she has a penchant for men like you, I imagine you are the type she would avoid. I am biased and I think my son is a fabulous catch, but you are not really suitable as a partner for a professional like her. Secretary Ahn, on the other hand…,” his mother said frankly.
“You might think I am naive but I do know what kind of society we live in.”
“Eomma, I can tell you now that unless Senior-Inspector Kang is my wife, you are never going to have a daughter-in-law in your lifetime, even if I could be persuaded to give you one or two grandchildren, unmarried,” he stated without a shade of hesitation.
His mother just stared back at him, letting out a faint sigh, “You don’t do things halfway, do you?”
“You know I don’t and especially not when Senior-Inspector Kang is literally the only person besides you I have feelings for. I thought you said you like her? Are you saying she is not good enough for our family now?” he retorted.
“Oh, I would be over the moon to have a daughter-in-law like Senior-Inspector Kang, but I am not sure that is what she or her father will want, however. They are decent people, Tae Gu-ya. I love you and your father dearly but I am not stupid,” she looked pointedly at him.
“I wish I could be as self-sacrificing and generous as you are, Eomma. But I know myself. I am selfish, and there is no option where I will give up on her. She is my peace. Either you give your blessing and help me or…,” he trailed off, not willing to go scorched earth with his mother when she was his only hope now.
He turned on his persuasive charm, “I am not doing this on the lark. I am deeply in love with her, Eomma. I don’t want to nor will I hurt her. She is precious to me. I just want to be allowed to have my chance with her.”
“I have no intention of deceiving her about any part of myself. She will know what she needs to when we marry.”
His mother still looked slightly uneasy, so he added, “I have been despondent over her for the last few months, and I am not sure how long I can go on like this before I do something I might regret.”
She looked alarmed by his admission, “You must promise me that no harm will come to Mr Kang and Senior-Inspector Kang even if she rejects you.”
He reassured her, “She did reject me and all I could do was mope, pine and stalk her in public spaces. For anyone else, I can’t honestly promise you but when it comes to her, you can be confident that harming her will not be something which will cross my mind. Or her father.”
His mind whirring with the opening provided to him, he continued, “I don’t need you to do anything except set up that blind date you already planned with Mr Kang. Instead of Secretary Ahn, I will go. Our age and height are similar, and we also work at the same company. There is no need for specifics, so you are not directly lying.”
His mother sighed a breath of relief, tentative with her answer, “I will see what I can do but I won’t promise you anything. It is likely Senior-Inspector Kang will decline. Be prepared for that eventuality.”
The elation which bloomed in him took him by surprise, and gladness that a ray of light was finally present sustained his excitement for the next few days.
“Thank you, Eomma. You don’t know how happy you have made me.”
At the following scheduled report on her, he received the news that Kang Kwon Joo had indeed briefly met with his mother when she went to pick up her father from the church his mother also attended.
It could only be serendipity.