Chapter Text
When Havers faltered at his question, the Captain knew something wasn’t right. He could feel the envelope inside his blazer, as if it was burning a hole in his chest. A part of him felt as if this was the moment. Whatever was going to happen next, he had to give him the letter. If not, he would regret it for the rest of his life.
Havers finally plucked up the courage to speak. “I’m afraid I’m leaving you, sir.”
The Captain swallowed, trying not to show too much emotion. Of course, he knew that Havers was leaving for North Africa to fight on the front line, but he didn’t realise it would be so soon.
“So soon?” The Captain tried to keep his voice level, but it was difficult.
The rest of the conversation continued, but there was tension between them now. The Captain tried to keep the conversation light, even making a joke about ‘giving Fritz a bloody nose’, but he couldn’t keep it up. This would be the last time they would see each other for a long time, if ever, considering the dangers of fighting in the war. The words were on the tip of his tongue. He had to say them.
“I shall miss you, Havers.”
Havers’ smile faded. The Captain panicked.
He hurriedly corrected himself, uncharacteristically stuttering. “B-by which I mean, of course, that we shall miss you.”
Havers nodded, but he must have understood or at least noticed the personal nature of the Captain’s comment. He wondered if Havers had already pieced two and two together. He truly hoped not.
The conversation fizzled out, and they stood for a moment in awkward silence.
Havers gave a weak smile. “Thank you, sir. Well, if that’s all.”
The Captain stopped, his throat suddenly dry. Was that really all? There was something else for him to say, but would he be able to say it? There was too much anxiety surrounding his confession that he doubted he would.
Ever so slightly, as he did when he was nervous, he rocked onto the balls of his feet and back again. What he didn’t realise was that this made the letter in his blazer shift further down his torso. He had been so preoccupied with the conversation that he hadn’t noticed it moving.
The envelope fell onto the floor, and they both froze.
Unluckily for the Captain, it had fallen in a way that it showed Havers’ first name on the back.
Havers stared at it until he could speak again. “Is… Is that for me, sir?”
The Captain had also been staring at the envelope, his heart pounding in his chest. He tried to act calm as he looked up towards Havers. “Oh,” he chuckled half-heartedly, “that’s for another William. It’s… top secret, I’m afraid.”
Havers let what the Captain had said sink in. He knew he should respect his captain and not talk back, but he didn’t believe what he had heard. From what Havers could recall, there was another William at Button House, but he was commanded by a different captain. It wouldn’t make sense that the Captain would want to give orders to someone he had no control over.
“I’m afraid to say that I don’t believe you, sir,” Havers said in the gentlest way possible. “There is another William on the force, yes, but he is under command with a different captain, not you. So why would you send him a letter?”
The Captain cursed internally. He hated how smart Havers was sometimes, despite that trait being part of the reason he’d fallen for him. How could he respond to that?
Havers waited for the Captain to answer, but he didn’t. “If you don’t mind,” he nodded towards the envelope on the floor, “I’ll be taking that.”
“But you won't have time to read it,” the Captain started, panicked. “You’ll be leaving for North Africa in only a few hours.”
Havers shrugged. “I’m sure I’ll find time. May I?”
The Captain couldn’t think of any other excuse, so he nodded begrudgingly.
“Thank you, sir.” Havers knelt down and picked up the envelope. He stood back up quickly and put the envelope inside his blazer. “Well, I should be on my way.”
“Of course,” the Captain said. It took all of his willpower to not lunge forward, take the letter from Havers, and tear it into shreds.
Not realising the turmoil the Captain was in, Havers nodded then left.
The Captain considered stopping him, but there was no point. The damage had been done. Havers would read the letter he had written, most likely laugh it off, and fly over to North Africa, leaving the Captain heartbroken. He couldn’t think of any other likely scenario.
A single tear trickled down his cheek, but he wiped it away quickly. He was a captain, leading an army of soldiers during a world war. This was no time to cry about such small and silly things as love.
Havers packed his things quickly. The soldiers were only allowed to take the bare essentials with them, so it didn’t take long. Besides, he wanted as much time as possible to read the letter the Captain had written for him.
He made sure the door was closed, and no one was standing outside, before he sat down on his bed and opened the letter. Something told him it was best to read this in private.
Dear William,
I understand that I usually call you Lieutenant, but I felt that, in this letter, I would be allowed to be less formal. I hope you understand.
Havers smiled. Even as he was talking to the Captain, a small part of himself doubted if the letter really was for him. What would the Captain need to tell him in a letter that he couldn’t tell him to his face? He took a deep breath. He supposed the only way to answer that question was to continue reading.
I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve had to write a letter instead of telling you this in person. It just so happens that I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time, but a number of things have kept me from doing so.
I am worried about your reaction and if you may react poorly, so I decided that it would be best to allow you to read this letter on your own in order for you to process my words at your leisure. As well as this, the thing I am about to tell you is frowned upon at this time, to put it lightly. It wouldn’t be appropriate to be seen or heard talking about something like this. I am even becoming paranoid as I write this letter, worried that someone will catch me off guard.
Havers’ brows became increasingly more furrowed as he read on. Something that was frowned upon and that he may react poorly to? He couldn’t begin to imagine what the Captain was talking about.
Well, I should really get to the point and put you out of your misery.
I am in love with you, William. I have felt this way ever since we met, but I have been too afraid to tell you. I understand if you do not feel the same way, or if you even hate me for it. Sometimes I feel that way about myself.
It was then that Havers noticed marks upon the page, smudging the ink slightly. He assumed those had been made by the Captain’s tears. It made him want to cry, too.
Surprisingly, he felt none of this hate that the Captain had expected him to feel. The Captain saying it was ‘frowned upon’ was an extreme understatement, Havers knew, but he understood why he had explained it in such a way. The Captain most likely didn’t want to think about the consequences that would follow if anyone found out he was a homosexual. Havers couldn’t blame him in the slightest.
He had no idea what to think. Did he feel the same way about the Captain? He had suppressed his feelings of men for so long that he wasn’t even sure what love felt like anymore.
To procrastinate thinking of next steps, he decided to finish reading the letter.
If you have read this far and not ended up despising me, please know that I am elated. But I must order you to burn this letter once you have finished reading. If you do not have any fire to hand, dispose it in any way you see fit. This letter must not be read by anyone else.
The letter ended there. He hadn’t even put his name at the bottom. Havers understood this completely. It would be dangerous to sign off a letter like this with a name.
Thankfully, Havers did have matches on him, so he burned the letter as much as he could without burning his fingers along with it. He then went to open his window and let the ash particles flutter away in the wind.
The letter was now gone, yes, but that didn’t mean he had forgotten the Captain’s words. Not at all.
After a great deal of thinking, Havers knew that he couldn’t leave the Captain without answers. Despite his nerves, he left his room and began walking to the Captain’s office. He had approximately fifteen minutes before he was due to leave for North Africa, but he figured that it was more than enough time to talk to the Captain.
Once he had reached the Captain’s door, he brought up a shaky hand and knocked.
The Captain’s voice rang out clearly, just as it had done a few hours before. “Come!”
Havers entered with a smile. He hoped it hid how nervous he felt.
“Oh, Havers,” the Captain smiled, turning to face him. “At ease.”
Truth be told, Havers already was ‘at ease’. It was hard for him to be anything but, considering what he had come to say. He could only nod.
“I assume you haven’t come to tell me the North Africa mission was suspended,” the Captain joked, giving a shaky laugh.
Havers shook his head. “I haven’t, sir. I…” He trailed off.
He looked behind him towards the closed door. Someone could easily be standing behind it, listening to them, but he shook off the thought. That possibility was unlikely.
He cleared his throat. “Apologies. I was coming here to tell you that…”
The Captain frowned. What had got into Havers? He wasn’t usually one to falter like this.
“I read your letter, sir.”
The Captain froze momentarily. “Right,” he muttered. “What… what did you think?”
“I thought… it was very informative, sir. In a positive way, might I add.”
The Captain nodded. He understood that Havers was being vague to protect the true contents of the letter, but that made it difficult to decipher how he truly felt about the letter.
“Do you still have the letter?” The Captain asked.
“No, sir,” Havers shook his head. He reached into his blazer and brought out a box of matches. He shook them in his hand, smiling.
The Captain smiled in return. He was glad that Havers respected him enough to burn the letter. He supposed that meant Havers took his confession well. One could only hope.
Silence settled over the two men. The Captain wanted to know how Havers felt but didn’t want to ask him, and Havers wanted to tell the Captain that he had no ill feelings but didn’t know how to say it.
In the end, Havers excused himself. He knew he had to leave soon, and he didn’t want to be late.
The Captain tried to hide his disappointment. “Of course,” he nodded. “Have a safe trip, Havers.”
“Thank you, sir,” Havers smiled.
Before he could change his mind, Havers turned and left the room.
The Captain watched him leave, wondering when they would ever meet again.