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It was weird.
Hajime noted as he took a moment to stare up at the old building. The broken and boarded up windows had since been repaired; and the stale stagnant smell of mildew that seemed to permeate the entrance, now smelt of lemon and bleach. The floorboards no longer protested under his weight, and in all honesty, it was hard to believe it was still the same building that had plagued them with a trial in the simulation. Hajime subconsciously grit his teeth at the memory, before relaxing upon seeing Ibuki and Hiyoko messily slopping white paint on the front of the building; an irritated Mahiru scolding them.
Hajime allowed himself a small smile at the sight. That was the whole purpose of this project. The old building was the first in their attempts to remodel the locations none of them had the strength to enter anymore. It was actually Imposter’s idea in the first place, and nobody could change their mind even if they tried. Imposter still tended to present as Togami, and although their personality had come to reflect more of their true nature, they seemed to be just as headstrong as the true Togami.
Eventually, the goal was to renovate everything. Make everything different. Hajime could not count the number of times he had to calm one of his friends after they had a flashback and convinced themselves they were back in the simulation. Hajime had his fair share of those moments himself, however he seldom allowed the others to see him in those sort of situations. Typically, he locked himself away and broke down until Izuru forced his way up to front.
Despite it now being approximately a year since the last one of them awoke (Hajime softly smiled as he thought of seeing those soft green eyes blinking awake at last), the others still felt wary of Izuru. However, it was less of what he had done in the past (they had all done horrific things), but more of who he was just as a person. Izuru lacked any form of social skills, and was unforgivably blunt. Typically, any time Izuru fronted, he would distance himself from everyone except Nagito. But even then, physical touch from even Nagito was seldom if ever granted.
But despite all of that, Hajime found solace in that they had all gotten better. Were they completely healed? Fuck no. Just last week Hajime awoke to his lover shaking uncontrollably next to him, clutching his stump of an arm in horror.
Remembering is hard.
Needles. Scalpel. Cut. Blood. Pain. Lights. BeepBeepBeep. White walls. Rods probing his skull and stopitpleaseiwannagohomeihatethishelphelpidontwantthis-
Hajime let out a sharp gasp and shook his head, as if the physical motion could shake away the scattered memories of the Kamukura Project. He felt a wave of nausea flood his body and he groaned in frustration. This had been happening a lot more frequently recently, typically in moments like this where he was emotionally compromised; however it had begun happening even in the quiet morning hours. Hajime chalked it up to stress, and attempted to suppress it in the same way he suppresses all his other stressors.
If you don’t think about it it’ll eventually go away.
Right?
“Ayy yo soul friend? You alright? You’re looking a little pale there!” Hajime felt a soft hand clasp his shoulder and looked to see Kazuichi grinning sheepishly behind him, his eyes expressing genuine concern.
“Oh uh yeah Kazuichi, I’m fine…. Just got lost in thought” Hajime sighed and ran a hand over his face. Kazuichi’s smile softened in understanding and he patted his friend’s shoulder in a reassuring way.
“I’m here if you wanna talk about it man! You should go relax dude, we are almost done anyway.”
“No way, I’m not going to just sit around and let you guys do all the work.” Hajime frowned, and felt the world spin for a moment. He grit his teeth and swallowed the saliva that kept forming in his mouth. Kazuichi groaned and rolled his eyes.
“We’re almost done dude, go chill. For real. Like, you’ve been out here all day you’ve probably overheated or something.”
Overheated, yeah that's probably it. Just overheated, I just need to cool down and I’ll be fine. Hajime thought and sighed in resignation. He would be more of an inconvenience if he passed out or vomited in front of everyone.
“Okay okay. But promise to come get me if you need help.”
Kazuichi gave a mock salute in response, Ibuki peeking behind him and mimicking the action. Hajime rolled his eyes before sulking back towards his cabin.
His cabin was barren, as he had long since moved most of his belongings into Nagito’s. His cabin had now become a place that both Hajime and Izuru would go to hide. The moment Hajime felt the door click behind him he immediately felt his stomach lurch and he barely made it to the bathroom before he violently vomited into the toilet. He gasped for breath as he felt his head pound with a headache. Snot and tears ran down his face as he tried and failed to stop dry heaving. After several minutes, he had finally got his breathing under control, his head feeling cold and clammy. Hajime wiped his mouth and rested himself against the bathroom wall, gasping for breath.
What’s wrong with me? Hajime thought to himself as he lost himself in the little grooves of the bathroom tile, tracing his fingers along each square. This was the 5th time he puked this week, however none of his symptoms stuck around for long. He would vomit in the morning and feel like absolute shit, and then an hour later go eat lunch with his friends and ask Teruteru for seconds.
It’s gotta just be stress right? Hajime bit his cheek and furrowed his eyebrows. That made sense for this time for sure, but it happened on good days too? Maybe he should talk to Mikan. He typically didn’t like to ask for help, but he would be no good to anyone else if he was sick. But what kind of sickness just turns itself on and off like that? That makes no sense, so this must all be in his head. I mean it’s not like I could be-
Hajime froze.
Blink.
Blink.
Blink.
“Fuuuuccckkkk…..” Hajime whispered staring into the depths of nothing. “Nooooo hahaha nononononononononononononono. Ha no. No. No.”
Hajime held himself and begun to softly rock, tucking himself in a ball as if he could curl away and hide from the very real, and possible reality that had presented itself.
Hajime I can sense you are under distress. What is happening?
Hajime did not reply to the question and continued to distance himself from the world.
Hajime, you need to calm down.
Hajime shook his head and bit hard on the palm of his hand in a vain attempt to ground himself. To his surprise his hand flung from his mouth in a motion he did not initiate.
You are harming yourself. I will take over so you can calm down.
“NO!” Hajime abruptly shouted, and he did his best to push Izuru to the quietest part of his mind. Izuru seemed genuinely surprised by the action but did not argue with Hajime. However he remained at the ready, prepared to forcibly take over if Hajime posed a danger to the both of them.
Hajime forced himself up on wobbly legs, his vision swimming for a moment before stabilizing. He dried the tears he hadn't realized he’d made, and slowly creaked the door of his cabin open. He noticed the sky had turned to a dusty orange and knew most of his friends would be heading to their cabins soon. He decided he should get going so nobody saw him like this. He really didn’t want to make them worry about him. Especially Nagito, who already worries too much about literally everything.
He turned to head the opposite way towards Rocketpunch. The market had surprisingly been stocked fairly well upon their awakening, and has since been used as a supply base for any goods that the Future Foundation shipped out to them. Hajime peeked through the windows for a moment to assure that nobody else was in the building before dunking inside.
Hajime made his way to the back of the Market, there were still plenty of things that had been relatively unused. There were loads of cheap toys, press on nails, novelty keychains, and more. They had all been thrown in a bin in the back so all the shelves could be used for common necessities. Hajime fumbled around the bin with shaky hands before he finally landed on a small pink box. He picked it up like it was covered in slime, the thing feeling weighted and horrifying in his hand.
Pregnancy Test.
A fucking PREGNANCY test.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck-
Hajime shook his head and walked slowly towards the restroom in the back of the market in a daze. He forgot this was even a possibility. He had been on testosterone for so long, and to his surprise he awoke from the simulation without breasts. When he had asked Izuru what happened, he simply stated “They were inconvenient. I hope you do not mind, I was unaware this body was shared with you.” Hajime had tried to figure out how the actual fuck do you get top surgery in the middle of the apocalypse and he could swear he could feel Izuru’s smirk at that. And that’s when it clicked with Hajime that oh my god you gave yourself top surgery what the actual fuck. Somehow though, the idea did not remotely surprise Hajime, that was just such an Izuru thing to do.
Makoto was the only one who knew (aside from Nagito) that he was transgender; and that only came out in a sheer moment of panic a week after awakening from the simulation; when he realized he hadn’t had any testosterone shots since he had undergone the Kamakura Project. He had swallowed his pride and cornered the shorter man and practically begged him to have the Future Foundation send some over. Makoto was more than willing to help, and even made sure to give it to him in a discreet manner so the others wouldn’t know.
It wasn’t that Hajime thought the others would judge him, they were all good people. But he just hated that he was different. And no matter what he did or how hard he tried he just never could get over the fact that he was born wrong. Nagito always made sure to tell him a body did not define a man, but his hope did. Hajime cracked a small smile. It was always about hope with that man, but the sentiment was there; and Hajime greatly appreciated it.
With the reassuring words of his lover running through his mind, Hajime quietly entered the small unisex bathroom. It wasn't used often, so it wasn’t stocked super well. A single roll of toilet paper laid haphazardly on the side of the sink, and there wasn’t any hand soap, but Hajime did not want to be caught carrying a fucking pregnancy test while walking back to his cabin.
He ripped open the small box and removed the test from inside and skimmed over the instructions. He sat down to follow them, and completely disconnected from himself. This couldn’t be real. I’m being silly, chances are I really am just sick.
Hajime sucked in a gasp of air and held the test in front of him. He had never had to take one before, and he was terrified. He hoped that he did it right… Hajime bit the inside of his cheek, and did his best to ignore the slight tremble in the hand that held the stupid pink strip that would decide his fate.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Wait.
No.
Fuck.
Hajime’s eyes widened as reality slammed into him like a brick wall. He felt the color drain from his face, and his ears began to ring. He wasn’t sure when he had stood up, but he lost his bearings and quickly slumped to the floor; opting to lean against the wall. He felt the room spin around the test in his hand. The two dark red lines changing his entire world. No way. No way. No fucking way.
You aren’t breathing. You need to breathe.
Hajime gasped for air desperately, but it felt like he was breathing through a straw. He couldn’t do this. Everyone would know he wasn’t a “real” man. He could never be a “real” man, men don’t get pregnant. Hajime pulled at his hair, as he curled into the smallest ball he could manage.
What happened Hajime?
Izuru’s tone was monotone as ever, but despite that he felt a wave of concern flood his body that wasn’t his own. He stayed silent, he couldn’t say it. Saying it meant it was real, and he would have to face it. It wasn’t that he didn’t want a child, he had always wanted a family of his own. He just never wanted to be pregnant, it felt so wrong. It was just another reminder that his body was so wrong so wrong so wrong-
Do you want me to take over now? I can assess the situation myself if you do not wish to discuss it.
Hajime silently nodded, not quite finding it in himself to speak. He felt Izuru hum in acknowledgment before his senses slowly began to dim, and he allowed himself to nest in the quiet recesses of their mind to calm himself. He needed time to think, and Izuru would give him as long as he needed.
Izuru felt his surroundings slowly come into focus, and his eyes landed on the test in his lap. He stared at it for a moment before humming in thought. He stood up and calmly wrapped the test and box in toilet paper and disposed of it in the waste bin. He was well aware that Hajime did not want the others to be aware of him being transgender, and despite Izuru not understanding the significance, he would respect his wishes.
Izuru took one last glance around the restroom to be certain he hadn’t overlooked anything important, before took his leave. He noted that the sun had set, and night had fallen. He took long strides as he headed towards the cabins. He was in the process of trying to decide if he should go to his cabin or Nagito’s, when he made eye contact with the white haired man; who was biting his thumb and pacing in front of his cabin.
Nagito’s eyes widened, and he rushed over to him. Grey green orbs filled with worry as he wrapped the other man in a gentle hug. Izuru stiffened at the touch and Nagito frowned and pulled back to examine him. Izuru looked awful honestly. His tie was askew, he was clammy with sweat, and his eyes were burnt red with dried tears. Nagito made unwavering eye contact for a moment, before a look of recognition dawned his face.
“Izuru? Is that you?” Nagito whispered softly, taking a small step back. He had long since learned Izuru did not care for much physical touch, but he would allow (and had grown to love) when Nagito would gently brush the hair out of his face and press a small kiss to his forehead. Small fleeting touches that showed he cared, without making him feel smothered.
Izuru hummed in confirmation and Nagito gave him a small smile, however his expression still betrayed his worry.
“I’m glad to see you again, I truly have missed you. But I must say I'm a bit concerned. It’s late, and Hajime usually goes to bed before me. Is he okay? I know sometimes you front when he’s having a hard time…” Nagito trailed off and started biting at his thumb again, a nervous habit that nobody could break him of.
Izuru nodded in acknowledgement, however it wasn’t his place to disclose Hajime's personal information.
“Hajime has asked me to front, however I cannot divulge the nature of his request. I apologize.” Izuru murmured, and Nagito nodded his head in understanding.
“I understand Izuru, can you tell me if he’s okay at least?” Nagito bit his lip and Izuru pondered the best response. No Hajime was not okay, but Nagito was beyond worried and Izuru saw no need to worry him more than he already was.
“He will be.” Izuru responded simply and Nagito deflated slightly, having read between the lines of the statement. He let out a breathy sigh, before offering a hand to the other man.
“Common Izuru, it’s late, let’s go to bed. I’m sure it’s been a long night for you as well.” Izuru cautiously took his hand and allowed him to lead them both into the cabin. Izuru glided over to the dresser and pulled out a pair of black sweatpants and an oversized hoodie. Silently he changed out of his sweat covered clothes, before discarding them in the bathroom hamper.
Nagito had already crawled under the covers, foregoing pajamas and opting to sleep in his boxers instead. Izuru shut off the light and stiffly climbed into bed. He did not curl close to the other man, but he did reach a hand out to gently cup his cheek. Nagito gave him a warm smile and ran his fingers through Izuru’s spiky hair. Izuru hummed in contentment and he felt himself begin to lull into the comfort of sleep.
“I love you” He felt Nagito’s soft murmur whispered into his ear and Izuru allowed himself the smallest of smiles. Something only Nagito had been lucky enough to witness.
“And I love you” Izuru breathed softly as he felt his consciousness fade into the warm embrace of sleep.
Three days passed and Hajime had yet to stir. Izuru did not mind fronting in the meantime, however he could do without the constant hovering from the others.They had gotten better at distinguishing between the two of them, and it took less than 24 hours for Mahiru to demand what happened to Hajime. Izuru did not respond, and calmly stood up from eating his breakfast before briskly striding past the woman.
For the most part, Izuru locked himself in his and Hajime’s cabin. Drawing and pouring over books in a vain attempt to qualm his boredom. He would still retire to Nagito’s cabin at night though, as he was the only other presence on the island that did not irritate him.
Nagito was worried, and as the days passed his worry only continued to fester. He did his best not to question Izuru, knowing both him and Hajime took confidentiality very seriously. However, he could not get the mental image of Izuru standing outside his cabin disgruntled and eyes red with dried tears. It was beyond obvious that Hajime had a breakdown, and Nagito could not figure out for the life of him what had caused it.
That worry only skyrocketed on the 4th day when Izuru swiftly (yet calmly) walked to the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning and began violently throwing up. Nagito awoke quickly at the sound and dashed to the bathroom to comfort his lover. He rubbed soft circles on the man’s back asking if he was okay. Izuru nodded and calmly wiped his mouth with some toilet paper before shakily getting to his feet. Nagito offered him a hand but Izuru shook his head and stood up on his own.
“Hajime puked like that last week, I think you guys are getting sick. We should have you see Mikan.” Nagito fretted, brushing a stray lock of hair from Izuru’s face. Izuru shook his head as he made his way over to the sink to rinse out his mouth. When he was done he stood up straight and sighed.
“I can assure you I am quite alright. I believe this matter would be better handled by Hajime.”
“But you’re sick too.” Nagito frowned and bit his lip in worry.
“I am not sick.”
“You just puked.”
“I will be fine. If you are still concerned when Hajime returns, you may discuss the matter with him.” Izuru deadpanned, and briskly walked out of the cabin and into his own; locking the door behind him.
Nagito rubbed his face in frustration. As much as he loved Izuru, he was even worse at accepting help than Hajime. Nagito just hoped Hajime fronted soon, he had a lot of explaining to do.
Hajime, it has been 5 days now. Can you hear me?
Izuru sat in their cabin, fingers drumming against the desk. He was bored, this was boring. He typically didn’t front this long, and the last time he did was months ago. He did not mind giving Hajime the time he needed, but he had exhausted everything to occupy his time and he was so incredibly bored. He was tired and missed being a passive entity in their life.
….
I know you can hear me Hajime, I can sense it. You need to face reality. It’s time.
… I’m afraid, Izuru.
I understand. The situation is… complex. I implore you to discuss it with Nagito though, he deserves to know. You know he won’t judge you, you and I both know that.
… What did you tell him?
Nothing. This is your journey. I will support you, however it is not my place to make decisions for you.
… Okay. You’re right I need to face this.
I will be here if you need me. Everything will be fine, I am certain of it. Try not to need me soon though, the others annoy me.
….Thank you Izuru.
Of course.
Izuru allowed himself to fade into the background as Hajime stirred. He felt sluggish and nauseous, and he swallowed the saliva that had accumulated in his mouth. He slowly blinked open his eyes and rubbed his head, a small headache forming. He groaned and took in his surroundings. He was in his cabin, sitting at his desk. A large scrapbook lay in front of him, with a photo realistic drawing of Nagito’s prothstetic sketched in pencil. It was neat, crisp, and clean; like all of Izuru’s art. Hajime smiled, tracing the edges of the paper before scooching his chair back and standing up, stretching his sore back. He groaned and checked the clock on the wall. It was just past noon and he felt his stomach rumble.
He was so fucking hungry.
Hajime made his way out of his cabin and peeked around the corner. Seeing no one, he sheepishly walked to the restaurant. He decided not to talk to anyone, maybe he could just pretend to be Izuru for today. He just wanted to be left alone, he had to think of what he would say to Nagito. Oh god, what would Nagito say? Hajime wrapped his arms around himself as if the action would hold himself together, and made eye contact with only the floor. He continued through the doors of the lobby and up the stairs to the restaurant, hearing the sounds of laughter and chatter from his friends. Hajime wrapped his arms tighter around himself and quickly walked to the corner of the room. He sat at a lone table, trying to calm himself before he went to grab some of the sandwiches Teruteru had prepared.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It’ll be okay Hajime, It’ll all work out okay. Hajime attempted to soothe himself, and he nearly shot out of his skin when two hands slammed on the table in front of him. Ibuki ducked her head down to make eye contact with him, flashing a bright smile!
“Izuru!! You actually left your cabin to eat with us! Ibuki is so happy!” She clapped her hands, eyes sparkling. The exclamation caused the others to glance in his direction in surprise.
“Uh… yeah.” Hajime responded dumbly, and immediately regretted his choice of words when Mahiru stood up and walked over, hands on her hips and eyes furrowed. Shit. She stared into his eyes, and Hajime averted his gaze in favor of staring at the table.
“Hajime, where the fuck have you been?” Mahiru demanded and he buried his head in his arms, resting them against the table. Maybe if he said nothing she would go away? No, that might work with the others, but Mahiru didn’t back down.
“Well? Are you going to say anything? You’ve been gone for days, we’ve all been worried sick.”
Hajime clenched his jaw and held his arms tighter together, grateful that the small shield he had made with them covered his face.
“I….I don’t want to talk about it.”
“What do you mean? You can’t just disappear for nearly a week and not tell us what happened!” She folded her arms and scowled. Hajime sighed, he was exhausted.
“Mahiru, please.” Hajime choked out, his voice cracking against his will.
The restaurant became silent, and after a few moments he peeked from his shelter to see a look of sheer worry on everyone’s face. He groaned and buried his head back in his arms, before he felt a soft hand rub circles on his back. He knew who it was without looking, the soft delicate touches known all too well to him.
“I’m going to get you something to eat love, it’s good to see you again.”
Nagito placed a soft kiss on the top of his head, before walking over to the long table in the center of the restaurant to get them both some sandwiches. Hajime could hear a soft whisper next to him, and could tell that Mahiru had walked back to her seat. He assumed Nagito had told her to.
Hajime felt a weight fill the seat next to him, and the rubbing on his back resumed. He sighed and lifted his head again, greeted by one of Nagito’s warm smiles.
“Hello love, I’m so relieved to see you again. I’ve been quite worried.” Nagito wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him close, sliding a plate of sandwiches in front of him.
“I’m sure you’re hungry, I mean technically it’s been nearly a week since you ate.” Nagito chuckled and Hajime gave him a small smile before staring at the sandwiches. He was hungry. Like really really fucking hungry. He grabbed one of the sandwiches and took a bite, chewing for a moment before making a face. He glanced back at the sandwich. It was ham and cheese, but the cheese just….
Well it tasted like shit.
He dryly swallowed the bite he had taken, before quietly dissecting the remaining sandwiches to remove the cheese. Nagito gave him a weird look, a small hum escaping his lips.
“I thought you loved cheese? I could’ve gotten you a different kind of sandwich…”
“No no it’s okay.” Hajime sighed, reassembling the sandwiches without the cheese. “I’m just not in the mood for it now. It’s fine.”
Nagito frowned, pulling him closer again and placing a small kiss on his forehead.
“If you’re sure, I can always get you something else too though…”
“It’s fine Ko, thank you though.” Hajime gave him a genuine smile which Nagito returned. Nagito grabbed a sandwich of his own, but never removed his hand from Hajime’s shoulder, and for that Hajime was grateful.
The two ate in relative silence, Hajime doing his best to ignore the occasional concerned glance from one of his friends. He was tired, why was he so tired?
You fucking know why.
Hajime clenched his jaw and forced back the wave of emotions that threatened to spill over. He felt Nagito tighten his grip on his shoulder, and a soft kiss was placed on his cheek. Nagito let go and stood up, offering the shorter man a hand.
“Common Hajime, let’s go for a walk” Nagito offered a warm smile, which Hajime did his best to return. He grabbed the offered hand and allowed Nagito to lead him out of the restaurant and through the front doors of the lobby. Hajime relished in the fresh air, feeling a noticeable weight fall from his shoulders now that he did not need to mask his emotions as much. Nagito would not judge him, he was safe with Nagito. He could trust him.
“Let’s go sit by the beach, I know you love it there.” Nagito squeezed his hand reassuringly, and Hajime returned the gesture and nodded. Nagito continued to lead the way, and Hajime allowed himself to be dragged along; not really paying any mind to his surroundings.
How do I tell him?
Will he be upset?
What if he doesn’t want a child?
What if he doesn’t want me anymore?
What if he realizes I’m not enough?
Hajime bit his lip and mentally shook his head. No, Nagito wouldn’t be mad. He might be shocked, but definitely not mad. He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a shaky inhale that did not go unnoticed by Nagito; who frowned in concern.
“Here’s a nice spot to sit! Right under this palm tree. Kinda reminds me of when I woke you up in the simulation…” Nagito smiled, and Hajime opened his eyes to realize they had made it to the beach. He let go of Nagito’s hand, and plopped under the tree; curling into a ball once more. Nagito sat down calmly next to him, wrapping one arm around his shoulders.
They sat in quiet for a few moments, and Hajime tried to focus all his attention on the sound of the crashing waves. He idly traced circles in the sand as Nagito hummed softly next to him. It was nice. He wished he didn’t have to ruin this moment, but it was inevitable. Nagito was the first to break the silence, perhaps knowing Hajime wouldn’t.
“What happened, Hajime?” Nagito probed softly and Hajime felt tears already beginning to burn the corners of his eyes. Fuck, he hadn’t even said anything yet and he was already crying. This was stupid.
“I…I-I don’t know how to….” Hajime fumbled with his words, and Nagito pulled him closer. He didn’t say anything though, allowing Hajime to form a clear train of thought. Hajime bit his lip, blinking back the tears.
“I, um…. you think I’m a guy right?” The question caught Nagito off guard and he frowned and gave Hajime a questioning stare.
“Of course I think you’re a guy. I don’t just think it, I know it. It's a fact.” Nagito stated firmly and Hajime sighed in a small bit of relief. He already knew what Nagito thought, but having it spoken aloud helped him gain his bearings on what he needed to confess.
“Is that what this is all about?” Nagito asked in confusion, “I thought we went over this already love. A man isn’t defined by his body, but by his hope.”
Hajime cracked a small smile. A puff of air escaping his lips in a pitiful excuse for a chuckle. He grabbed a fist full of sand, and allowed it to slowly trickle through his fingers, letting out a long breath as he did.
“Yeah…. But my body will always be different. It can’t do the things yours can, and it can do things that yours can’t.” Hajime spoke softly, focusing all his attention on the sand still falling from his clenched fist.
“Such as… ?” Nagito furrowed his eyebrows, and Hajime knew he would just have to say it. Just say it and be done with it. He could do this, he could do this. His fist was now devoid of any remaining sand, as if it were an hourglass that had reached its end. Hajime sputtered for a moment, no full words making their way past his lips; It was all just a jumbled mess of sounds. Hajime stopped talking, allowing himself a few breaths to recollect himself, before trying again.
“Um… like…Y-you know… get… pregnant.” Hajime forced out the last word, finding it came out like a bubble of bile and terror. Hajime buried his face in his knees and tried to control his breathing. Each breath came in and out just as short and raspy as the one before it. He felt Nagito hold him tighter, as if the action would keep him from falling apart.
“... You’re pregnant?” Nagito whispered, genuine and complete shock evident by the slight waver in his tone. Hajime nodded into his knees, not daring to look up. He wanted to hide from the situation. He didn’t want to have to deal with this. This was all too much. He let in another shaky breath, surprised to see it exhaled in a broken sob.
And then he couldn’t stop himself. The sobs began to wrack his entire frame, and he felt himself spiraling. This was all his fault. Why didn’t he use protection? It was foolish to think that just because he’d been on testosterone for so long that this wouldn’t happen. It would always be a possibility, because his body wasn’t right.
Hajime gasped in surprise as Nagito wrapped him in a tight embrace, forcing him out of his balled position. Nagito pressed several soft kisses against his neck, before nuzzling into his lover. Hajime felt the soft circles rub on his back once more, and he sobbed into the arms of the taller man; who shushed him as he gently rocked them both back and forth.
“Hey hey, it's okay love. It’s okay. Everything will be okay.” Nagito murmured into Hajime’s shoulder, and continued to whisper sweet nothings into his ear until Hajime slowly found his breathing begin to steady, and the wracking sobs started to subside. Hajime hiccuped and pulled back slightly from Nagito to rub the tears from his eyes. Nagito lifted a hand to cup his cheek, and wiped a stray tear from the side of it. He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Hajime’s lips. Hajime melted into the kiss, before breaking it a few moments later.
“H-how will it be okay? E-Everyone is going to know, and my b-body won’t look right.” Hajime asked, another small hiccup escaping him. Nagito shushed him, placing a small kiss on his forehead. He took a moment to collect his thoughts, humming as he did so. He pulled back from their embrace just a bit, so he could make direct eye contact with Hajime.
“The others will not see you any differently. You know that, I know you do.” Nagito nodded his head, and after a moment Hajime repeated the action. Nagito gave him a soft smile before continuing.
“And your body does not define you Hajime. It doesn’t matter how much it changes, you are still just as much a man as any other man on this island. I love you, no matter what.” Nagito’s eyes began to water, tears threatening to escape. Hajime couldn’t hold back his, and a broken cry escaped him before he pulled Nagito as close as he possibly could. Nagito returned the embrace, a small smile on his face.
“You’ve always wanted a family too, haven’t you?” Nagito gave a slight chuckle, “I’m sure you envisioned it happening differently; but if you decide to keep it, it would be an honor to raise a new hope with you.”
Hajime shut his eyes and shook, a wail escaped him that seemed to convey a multitude of emotions; he couldn’t settle on one. Was he happy? Was he scared? Was he upset? He didn’t know. They whirled around his mind like a storm; but when he opened his eyes, and they met with the warm eyes of his lover, everything stopped. Nagito smoothed the hair out of his face, and rested his forehead against Hajime’s. Hajime gave him a shaky smile, and let out a small breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.
“I- I… Y-you would? Really? A-are you sure? What if I’m too much to handle? What if I’m a bad father?” Hajime choked out, and Nagito shook his head; well as much as he could with their foreheads being pressed against each other. Hajime couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at the action, and Nagito’s smile brightened.
“You would be an amazing father, Hajime!” Nagito’s eyes sparkled as he talked, and Hajime found himself getting lost in them.
“You have such a bright shining hope! And I can’t wait to see you pass that hope along. You have such a strong caring heart. You know, everyone on the island looks up to you… In all honesty Hajime, you are the only one I would ever want to raise a family with. If we have to worry about anyone being a bad father, we’d have to worry about me!”
Nagito chuckled, and Hajime frowned and shook his head. The action was still awkward considering their foreheads still met, and Nagito giggled.
“I think you’ll be a great dad Ko… After all, every time I envisioned having a family, it was always with you.” Tears finally escaped Nagito’s eyes and melted down his cheeks. Hajime gasped in surprise when Nagito chuckled and pulled Hajime on top of him; Nagito laying with his back in the sand. Nagito cupped his hands (one metal, one flesh) around Hajime’s face.
“I love you Hajime, I love you so much.” Nagito’s face was beaming with excitement and joy, and Hajime could not help but find his own beginning to mimic his lover’s.
“I love you too Nagito, so so much. Thank you Ko, thank you I-” Hajime was cut off with a passionate kiss from Nagito, and he melted into it. He returned the kiss with equal passion, straddling him as he pulled his face closer; deepening the kiss. He opened his mouth slightly, allowing Nagito’s tongue to explore his mouth. Hajime held the kiss as long as he could, before pulling back to catch his breath.
“Thank you Ko. I-I’m sorry, I'm still scared though…” Hajime panted, and Nagito held his hands. He gripped them tightly, and gave him a reassuring grin.
“Of course you are, there’s a whole lot of changes coming.” Hajime bit his lip, and Nagito let go of his hands; before booping his nose. Hajime blinked in surprise and couldn’t help but laugh. Nagito sat up and wrapped his arms around his lover, as Hajime giggled. His eyes were red with tears, but at last they were finally tears of joy.
“But I promise to support you through all of it. I’m gonna spoil the hell out of you.” Nagito nuzzled his head into Hajime’s neck and Hajime’s giggles continued, before dying off a moment later; a look of worry overtaking his face.
“H-how do I tell the others? What should I say?” Hajime asked, feeling lost. Nagito rubbed his back and gazed lovingly into Hajime’s heterochromatic eyes.
“One step at a time, love. For now, let’s just worry about telling Mikan hmm? She can do some blood work to confirm everything, and give us some guidance on what to do. To be frank, I know very little about pregnancy.” Nagito laughed and Hajime grinned nervously in response.
“Yeah I don’t know jack shit about it either,” he chuckled for a moment before frowning again.
“I’m scared to tell her, any of them really. I-I know they won’t judge me. I really, really do. It’s just… it makes me feel like I’ve been lying to them or something. I know it’s stupid.” Hajime fixed his gaze at the crashing waves behind them, and Nagito shook his head; a firm look on his face.
“You haven’t lied about anything, Hajime. You are a man, and this doesn’t change any of that. It’s nobody else’s business what’s in your pants.” Nagito stated firmly, and Hajime nodded in agreement.
“I-I know. Um… do we have to tell her now though? Can we do it tomorrow? I’m so…tired.” Hajime sighed, and Nagito hummed in agreement.
“Of course love, and I’ll be with you the whole time. Mikan won’t tell anyone either. You know that. You have a long while before you start showing anyway, so don’t stress about telling everyone quite yet.” Hajime smiled and buried his face in Nagito’s shoulder lovingly.
“So…. What should we do now?” Hajime muttered, and Nagito let out a snort.
“Well, if it’s alright with you, I would love to spend the day with you. I really missed you Hajime” Nagito's eyes smiled with him, as he tilted his head slightly to the side. Hajime couldn’t help but find the action absolutely adorable.
“I missed you too Ko.” Hajime pulled back and pressed a long kiss to Nagito’s lips. Nagito kissed him back. It was wet and sloppy, a cacophony of emotions running through the both of them.
But it’s gonna be okay…
I’m not alone…
“We’re gonna be dads!” Nagito squealed the moment he broke the kiss. Hajime snorted and shook his head, blinking rapidly a few times; the weight of his lover’s words sinking in.
“Holy fucking shit…we really are gonna be dads.” Hajime sat there for a moment, the gears in his mind whirling. He felt a hand pat his head, and looked up to see Nagito was giving him fucking head pats.
“…What are you doing?” Hajime furrowed his eyebrows and Nagito gave him one of his shit-eating grins.
“Ah sorry! I wanted to see if your hair could stab through my prothstetic. I suppose it’s much softer than it appears! How amazing!”
“….You’re ridiculous.” Hajime attempted to maintain his scowl, but Nagito swooped in and began to tickle his sides.
“AH!…A-Aha! N-N-Nagito!!…. Ah! Ahaha!!!… Quit it!!” Hajime gasped between his cackling fits of laughter. Nagito chuckled, before pulling the shorter man on his lap. The two of them took a moment to stare out at the sea. A warm, crisp ocean breeze flew by, and Hajime inhaled the aroma.
This is nice….I think things will be alright,
as long as I have him.
I told you.
…Shut the fuck up Izuru.