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Everyone has a soulmate. Some people have more than one soulmate. And as science has proven, a soulmate can be familial, platonic, or romantic. Though many (pointless) political debates are still ongoing about the validity of only having a familial or platonic soulmate, most people don't really care too much. People with only familial or platonic soulmates are common, a good portion of parents and couples are now non soulmates, polyamorous soulmate couples are real and possible, and having soulmates of more than one type is also normal. Even those with an unrequited soulmate finding a new soulmate are being talked about more.
Jean has known this ever since he was a little kid. From when his mom pulled him aside to explain to him how soulmates work and that she would love him no matter who he was or wasn't tied to, he understood the concept very well.
But, when his mom also explained to him a rare disease only found in those with romantic soulmates, he tuned the rest out. Something like 0.01% of the population experiences this disease, and an even lower amount of people experience unrequited love with this disease. He's normal in almost every way, even above average in some, so how could learning about a rare disease with an even rarer chance of making him have to find another soulmate be of any use to him? Answer: it couldn't. Especially not with how the disease interferes a lot with daily life, can cause colorblindness, and in rare (this stupid word he wishes it was erased from the dictionary) cases leads to small bouts of memory loss. No, why would he ever become familiar with such a pointless and unexplainable disease?
Affects 0.01% of the population. Jean just guesses he's incredibly lucky.
In a dead silent study period, a jingle resounds throughout the classroom as a tear hits his desk. All eyes turn to him.
"Fuck." Murmurs and giggles break out around him. At least his pain is funny, even though nothing else about this situation is. He can work with this. As long as he knows who it is and they like him back, there's no problem.
Most people have gone back to what they were doing before, some are still giggling, and a couple of people look concerned for him. Eventually, Armin walks over and offers to take him to the infirmary. He assumes Armin won't take no for an answer. They walk down the hall with a question weighing in the air. He knows even a passive guy like Armin would be at least somewhat curious.
"Are you okay?" Not the question he was expecting.
"Yeah, I'm alright." A beat passes before his own cynicism kicks in. "Don't you want to know who it is?"
Armin is quiet for a moment. "Well, I could probably guess." Damn, that's a good point. He's let everyone in the 104th know he likes Mikasa. So why doesn't she feel like...?
They arrive at the infirmary. Armin insists Jean rests in the bed for at least a couple minutes while he performs a basic checkup on him. He takes Jean's temperature and asks him if he's feeling lightheaded or different in any other way. Jean feels normal other than being a bit annoyed and embarrassed from getting fussed over. Armin seems satisfied with that. He gets up to leave, but then he stops.
"You know Jean, I'm sure it'll work out fine. Soulmates of those with star tear disease are almost always requited! So the only thing you should be worrying about right now is your health."
"'Almost always,' huh." He mutters. "What's that supposed to—"
Jean looks up to see Armin smiling at him as a breeze blows in and billows the curtains behind him. There's a feeling tugging and pulling at his chest. It aches in kind of a good way. Words are bubbling up in his throat. He's on the edge of something.
A jingle rings in his ears again. Another tear falls. It catches in his lap. The color has changed from clear to a light pink.
"Oh no." His cheeks redden. He feels a warmth spread from his neck to the tips of his ears. If he could produce steam, he would be radiating it.
Armin notices this happen. "A-Are you okay!? You're so red now! Is it a fever?" He moves closer again and places his hand over his own forehead. He puts his other hand over Jean's forehead. Jean's embarrassment only worsens.
"Your temperature is fine so why are you—"
"ARMIN. Can you please leave!? You've done enough to help me, thank you! I need to rest just like you said but ALONE." He hastens to push Armin out of the room. Despite his protesting, Jean manages to shove him out.
In the heavy stillness left behind, the reality of the situation dawns on him. Shit. Shit.
A month passes from then. He's vowed to not tell Armin his feelings unless he asks if Jean likes him. Which he never will, since that idiot has trouble believing his childhood friends like him. Losing parts of himself like this, god, it feels stupid. Jean could tell Armin, and he would say with a smile, "No Jean, I hate your guts." Hah. That image has been raiding his thoughts so much it's almost as if it already happened. Even though it hasn't. Armin is too nice to say that anyway.
He's been treating Jean with more care than usual because of his condition, and if he told Armin now, his trust would be shattered. He would take all of the burden onto himself and wish from the bottom of his heart that he could help, and the guilt would eat Jean whole. It may be selfish to lie like this, it's hurting both of them, but he wants to keep the truth from Armin as long as he can.
Not only is he feeling worse each passing day, he's become a walking joke among trainees. Well, he instigated it, but everyone has taken the joke and run with it. Oh yeah, sure, it's funny he's mixing up certain shades of colors now from crying so much. It's hilarious how he's dehydrated all the time now because someone won't love him back. The most comedic part of it all is Armin asked Mikasa to talk to him! She told him she's been dating Sasha for awhile. So he managed to get rejected by someone he isn't in love with anymore. Armin comforted him after that, and he had to act heartbroken. Being heartbroken wasn't hard, but the whole situation was so ironic he wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. He didn't really get a choice on that though.
At least, he's been able to be open about his symptoms this whole time. Especially with how fast rumors travel, it would be worse trying to hide this from other people. He can make jokes about his condition being for the best, how he never wanted to be a soldier, that the disease isn't that bad, and they'll all laugh and leave him alone. A small number of people pity him, but only Armin has taken up the role of being his resident nurse. It's humiliating in ways he didn't know were possible.
There's no solace for his pain. His normal days are getting further behind him as time ticks on. He's experienced about every symptom there is to this disease.
But.
Jean wakes up in the middle of a test. And by wakes up, he feels as if he's woken from a dreamless sleep. He can't remember how he got there. It was lunch time a moment ago, wasn't it? He nudges Armin sitting next to him. He seems annoyed, but Jean needs his help.
"Wh-What am I doing here?" His fear creeps into his voice. Armin's eyes widen in understanding. He jumps out of his seat.
"Sir! Can I take Jean to the nurse's office? He's not feeling well!"
The instructor sighs. "Yes, Arlert. Please try and not interrupt the test next time though."
Armin grabs his hand and races down the hall. Jean gets into the bed without being asked. Armin begins going through the same motions, but Jean waves him off.
"I'm not sick, Armin! I've gotten every symptom they have to offer. You know what this is!" He flinches and moves back. Jean lets out a long sigh. Seriously, will anything go right for him today?
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm," he trails off. He doesn't want to say it, but it's so obvious.
"You're scared, right Jean?" Armin's concern is etched into his face.
He can't help it. Starry yellow and blue tears begin rolling down his face. They make the same annoying jingling sound they always do. He's too used to it by now. To have normal tears again, a normal life again, he's never wished for something more.
"Jean..."
He knows what Armin will say next. Maybe there's a chance Mikasa likes him (no way and changes nothing), maybe he'll find another soulmate (not before getting over this crush), maybe the disease will go away on its own (clearly not), all he does is blow hot air and makes neither of them feel better.
His anger should really be directed somewhere other than at Armin.
"What can I do to help you, Jean?" His name sounds so pretty in Armin's mouth. Jean's resolve to keep this from him is getting weaker by the second. He bites the inside of his cheek.
"There's nothing you can do. I should've never become a soldier. This is just my body's way of telling me that." It hurts to say, but maybe if he says it enough, he'll start to believe it. It's worked on everyone else, so why not himself too?
Armin grips his shoulders and forces Jean to face him. "There's no way that's true! You worked so hard to get to this point!" He looks so determined, so full of hope, but Jean can't see the sky blue twinkle of Armin's eyes anymore. Everything he's loved up until this point is slipping through his fingers. But, if he can control anything, he'll leave those things behind first and start anew. A dull life at home with scattered forgotten memories. Maybe he could come visit Armin from time to time. Or maybe, it would be better if he forgot Armin all together. Dammit.
"I know you don't really believe what you're saying Jean. You don't want anyone to question you or worry about what you're going through." Armin states this without needing to confirm if it's true. He knows Jean too well. A month beside such an intuitive person, and they'll find out everything about you. Well, almost everything.
"Ah, shit. Yeah, you're right. You've gotten to know some horrible sides of me because of this, huh Armin?" He's joking, but Armin's honest expression stares back at him.
"You're a good person, Jean. A bad person wouldn't be trying to shoulder a burden all on their own like this. I promise I'll help you."
A half smile tugs at his mouth. More tears spill. Armin picks one of them up and aligns it with Jean's eye.
"This is the one thing you can't lie about." He pauses to think. "So, if you told me the truth behind what's causing your disease, I could help you, right?"
Jean remembers the vow he made to himself. If Armin asks if he likes him, his conscience wouldn't allow him to lie there. Not that Armin would ever come to that conclusion on his own.
He can see the gears turning in Armin's head. "You didn't actually tell me if you like Mikasa or not."
Of course he would pick up on that eventually. "Well, I did like her at one point. But not anymore."
Armin begins listing off the names of every girl in the 104th. Jean dismisses all of them.
"Your disease was contracted while you've been here, so any possibility of a crush back home can be ruled out as well. So," he hesitates before letting out a sigh. "Are you sure you're not lying about this?"
"No, I'm not lying." He looks into Armin's eyes with absolute conviction. This should be enough to stop him. But Armin is too quiet. The kind of quiet where he's choosing his words with sensitivity.
"...is it one of the guys?"
Jean's mouth gapes open. No way. There's no way. He springs out of bed, and his tears jingle as they scatter across the floor. He starts shoving Armin out of the room.
"Alright, alright that's enough Armin! I'm still recovering, so I need some space to think about what to do next. I appreciate you trying to help, but you just can't—"
"Marco, Connie, Reiner, Bertholdt, Eren," he lists off a couple more names after that.
Jean feels a raging blush overtake his face. They stop at the infirmary doorway. "None of them!! Why would you even ask that!?"
"You're not denying it's a guy though." An undignified noise escapes Jean's throat.
"C'mon, after being grilled like this, you're only stressing me out more! Why can't you just leave it alone?"
"Because I...!" Armin fumbles on his words. "I care about you and I won't leave until you tell me!" He whips around to face Jean and plants his feet. His cheeks are puffed out, and he's pouting.
Armin rattles off the name of every other guy in their class. Every name but his own. Jean shakes his head.
"A-Are you serious!? Jean, there's no one else it could be!"
The way Armin stumbled on his words before gives Jean the slightest bit of hope. Has Armin been so determined to find out because he feels the same way? Maybe now, he could lead Armin to the truth. Would it be okay?
His voice is trembling, but he can't help himself. "Armin, you forgot one person."
"Huh? I did?" Armin goes through all of the names again. His brow furrows as he casts his gaze downward in contemplation. When he comes up with nothing, he looks back up. "What do you—"
Jean's eyes stare into his. For a brief second, Armin sees a shine reflect across them. Its racing flash reminds him of a shooting star. He notices Jean is shaking, and more tears are threatening to spill over at any moment.
He watches as the recognition settles on Armin's face. A force is tugging his head down, telling him to look away, but he faces Armin head on.
"J-Jean, it's me?"
He groans in annoyance. All of this anxiety for such a mediocre reaction. "You have to ask me, like you did the other ones."
"Is this necessary Jean?" A faint blush has dusted his cheeks. Even when confronted with Jean's stupid feelings, Armin hasn't shown any prejudice on his face this whole time.
"Yes! Just do it for my sake, okay?"
Armin falters before asking in a soft voice, "Jean, is it really me?"
He wants to groan and act annoyed again, but he's so exhausted. His life has crumbled around him because of not wanting to admit this. And yet, it came with ease. A weight has been lifted. And Armin is still by his side.
"Yes." Tears of all colors jingle as they fall from his weary eyes. He has always cried without noise, but the jingling hangs over him and makes his pain so loud.
In his blurry and fragmented haze, he glimpses Armin moving closer to him.
Armin pulls Jean into a gentle hug. He rubs soothing circles onto Jean's back as tears gather on his shoulder.
"There, there. Cry as much as you need."
He does. It goes on for a couple minutes. As soon as his tears have started, he's found himself unable to stop them. And he doesn't want to hide or feel shame anymore. His feelings are known, and Armin has chosen not to look away.
The tears taper off. They pull back to see Jean has created a sea of stars below their feet. How can something so beautiful be so harmful?
"I want you to drink a lot after this, Jean. But, I hope you're feeling better at least." He manages a small nod.
Armin scratches his cheek as a blush returns to his face. "Um, Jean...I like you too, okay? I wasn't sure if you liked me back and I didn't want to risk our friendship so," his expression switches to one full of regret. "Oh Jean, I'm so sorry you've been suffering alone this entire time, and it was all because of me."
Jean thinks back to all of his worst moments and how Armin was always there. He was always taking him to the infirmary, making him drink more, checking his temperature, encouraging him to eat more, and in the end, figuring out all of his lies. A heartfelt emotion overcomes him as tears stream down his face again. They fade from starry tears into real tears.
"What are you talking about? You've been by my side this whole time, dummy."