Chapter Text
Three years.
It has been three years since you and Jungkook started dating officially. Everything happened when you're both still in college, third year in your chosen courses, young and free but not dumb to irresponsibly let go of your studies for fun. Most of your schedules match with him, ending up with you always going home together.
You both started as a good friends, hanging out almost every time you had a chance. Most of the people will mistakenly think that you're a couple everytime they walk pass by you in the streets - arms tangled to each other, playing and laughing on each other's joke, you're both frolicsome when together no matter who you're with. You have that strong bond with him that can't be broken by anyone. You don't care about what will others think or say as long as you both got each other's back.
To Jungkook's background side, he grew up from a very rich family as his dad owns a luxurious french restaurant that has different branches all over the world while his mom owns a famous clothing line and also a respectable woman who encourage women by writing books about feminism and equality. Although he has the kind of living far away from your status, maybe not that far away since your parents still manage to pay for your expensive tuition fee in the university, Jungkook never treated you so low or, like, someone different from him. He never made you feel that way nor put you in any uncomfortable situations.
Jungkook is special to you and so the friendship you have shared since high school.
But how did you got into a more than friends relationship if you value each other's friendship? It's not that you're trying to risk or put your friendship on the edge, but--
It all happened one day, in the snowy weather of December, Jungkook decided to take you on a friendly date before the Christmas day arrives. That night was memorable and still fresh to you everytime you're thinking about it. You can still smell the sweet scent of his coat he lend you that night since the snow got stronger which you didn't expect, ending up with you just wearing a simple cardigan your mother gave you last christmas. The indistinct noises of people chitchatting still lingers on your ears, as well as the melodic chimes of christmas songs playing everywhere where Jungkook hum along and even sing while you're walking on the snowy path of the street where there's not that much people passing by.
When you reach a park, you don't know if it's really a park since you can't see anything but darkness, but you still assumed that it was the park where you and him used to hangout when you were in high school because it is just a five minute walk away from the sea which you can hear the waves rushing through the shore and you also took a clue because it's just beside the ice cream store you always visit every summer to buy your favorite mint choco flavored ice cream.
Once you took a step on what you assumed is the park, the ground feels unfamiliar to you. It was cemented already, back then it was just a pure soil that turns into a deep puddle when raining, but now it is purely hard and firm. You never visited this part of your hometown ever since college had began - you became too busy studying and reviewing for the exams every semester and when you and Jungkook got the rarest chance to hang out, you most likely go to malls or play video games on his or your house instead, if you don't feel like traveling or going out.
The cold air brushes passed to your face, your hair flying where the wind decided to blow. Good thing you're wearing a beanie after expecting that your hair might fly everywhere if you don't wear one. You look up to Jungkook and he smiled sweetly at you which you always see most of the time, his front teeth poking out from his cherry lips and you always love that sight of him, him being genuinely happy when he's with you.
"Why are we here?" you asked curiously in between your smiling lips that you can't prevent from making a bright beam, your dimples poking deeply on your cheeks.
"Just wait," he whispers softly. "It's almost midnight."
Is he trying to surprising me? You can't help but think. You almost want to ask him, mouth already opening, but stayed silent instead once reality hits you. Jungkook is not the type to do sweet stuffs like that because he believes, that he himself is already sweet and enough - more likely, he's more into jokes than making any romantic stuffs, surprises to be specific. He's not the person who will put effort and do things above your expectations though he's good and excels at everything.
Maybe he's just here with you to wait for something or maybe someone that he's expecting to be hanging out with you. But in any way, you didn't took too much time thinking about it because you're too engaged at the freezing weather to even process that.
To your conscience, all he do was to be a good and perfect best friend to you, never did he think of you as someone more than that.
Although you have this little crushy thingy towards your best friend, you never thought of his kind actions as something to take as big deal. You would never, ever put yourself on that cliff.
"Surprise," he whispers softly again, his voice traveling to your ears like a calm autumn breeze. "I hope you like it." he tells and hold your back gently after seeing you swiftly stepping back from the sudden surprise.
The park that seems dark and empty is now lit with white fairy lights hanging all over the irons of the swings, slide, merry go round and even on the cherry blossom trees that are covered in thick snow. Your eyes wandered and appriciates amusingly every decoration around the park - there are white petals of roses scattered on the snow, your eyes almost play tricks with you as the petal camouflage through the snow. You blink for a couple of times before noticing the gazebo in the middle with a clothed table between two chairs. The surface of the table was covered by white table cloth with a bottle of wine, plates with different foods like steak, cut fruits, and even sweet desserts that are mouthwatering and eyecatching already for you to give attention towards the other ornaments being displayed all over the setting.
Just to conclude it all, the place looks magical and somehow brings you back to that time you and Jungkook was still young.
Your soft gaze went back to Jungkook who's already giving you his usual bunny smile, his eyes circled in joy sprinkled with dazzling lights from the surroundings. He grabs your hand, kneeled on one knee, and asked you to be his girlfriend - of course, you said yes and kissed him afterwards.
And that is how your lovely story started. It was wonderful, witnessing all of that with your naked eyes, experiencing different feelings such as the overwhelming surprise and love - the love from Jungkook who you thought will stay as your best friend forever.
Nothing changed for the past three years. You still love him the way you do since day one and he does, too. Everything stays the same; the way his soft hands touch and hold you, the warmness of his body when he hugs you, the brightness of his smile everytime you do the things he love, and the sweet kisses he gives you every morning and before you sleep. He's consistent at everything and so are you. That just proves that the both of you endured every circumstances and chose to stay with each other's side.
The relationship you have with him was fair and simple. You never asked for more because he's already too much for you, too much in a good and special way. Even when you started working as a wedding gown designer or should we just call a dressmaker and sometimes as an event photographer while Jungkook works as a film director, despite the busy and hectic schedule, you never forgot any special occasions you both have and even to give the small special time for each other.
If you can call your relationship perfect, you would love to, but it's not because there's no relationship that's perfect and flawless. At least, it's almost.
Everything is almost perfect, not until...
"Let's break up, Y/N."
In the cold breeze of your third year anniversary, you stood on the same spot where Jungkook made his surprise three years ago. The only difference is you're the one surprising him now. You are both covered in thick paddings, a beanie is cutely resting on your head - some of your hairs are freely hanging in front of your face, a soft and warm scarf is coiled around your neck to keep the heat of your body.
A sudden stab on your chest was felt after hearing those words from his mouth. Of course, you refused to believe him, shaking your head as you give him a forced awkward smile.
"W-What?" you ask unsure as your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. That four words including your name can't be true and you're not going to believe him. "Is this some prank or what?" you query, already feeling a weird knot on your stomach as if you're gonna throw up anytime now. You clench your paws tightly as you felt the wind blows again, this is also your way to distract yourself at least from crying.
"I... I'm sorry," he stares down to his shoes, sounding scared and precarious as he breathe out his words. "I... I just faked everything."
Your sharp eyes observed his movements, watching how his eyes looks straight and honest as if he's not throwing any jokes around. For the three whole years of being together, you know how Jungkook speaks when he's lying or hiding something from you. He is very expressive and vocal most of the time, making it easy for you to read him.
But you don't understand, whether you like it or not, he sounds honest right now.
Jungkook nervously fidgets his fingers as he waits for your answer. In all honesty, you have so much to say, to ask about this whole shit Jungkook is making. But, no, it's impossible that this is the end of the road for the both of you when you just woke up this morning with Jungkook hugging you while you're making his favorite breakfast for him.
Just this morning, your relationship is fine and now it's not? You're sure this is just a prank.
"Babe, please, stop pranki-" you tried to laugh over his joke as you assume it is, but instead Jungkook cuts you off.
"For fuck's sake, Y/N!" he exclaimed, causing you to flinch from his harsh words, already losing his temper. "I'm not pranking you. Isn't it obvious? I don't love you, I didn't, not even a bit, okay? It was all made up." he took a step back when he saw your hand reaching for him.
Fuck, you don't know what to do. Is he being for real? Everything is surely fine. You never cheated on him and so he is. You started sensing your hands releasing sweat despite the cold weather, your heart beats against your chest so fast that it aches you, the air in your throat is clogged and trapped that it almost feels like you're being choke by your own system.
If he's being real and honest right now, and everything he did since then was fake, what does that mean?
Your brain doesn't process anything, not even the simplest words he straightforwardly said towards you. It was easy to comprehend, but it's you who refused to digest it because who would do it when there's nothing wrong to point out. You want to convince yourself on the sad premonition that maybe he fell out of love, but that's not what Jungkook told you. He says that he didn't love you ever since. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! you just want to explode, but you're here standing in front of him with a soft gaze - the gaze you always show to him because you love him so much and you can't express any negative action towards him.
"What do you mean?" you mutter, sounding weak but your eyes still manage to look at him without traces of any tears. "What do you mean you didn't love me? That's impossible, Jungkook! I... I don't understand. W-We woke up together just this morning in each other's arms. What do you mean by that? Have I done something wrong? Tell me, Kook. Tell me." you plead, already losing your breath just by saying those words. "Please, tell me. I don't understand you." you felt so vulnerable by beseeching, you don't want to do this, but you know to yourself that it'll terrifyingly haunt you if you don't know the answers to your questions.
"I've said it already, Y/N. We're done because I have never loved you in the first place." he says boldly, completely neglecting how harsh and cold he sounds as if nothing happened between the two of you.
He said those words like you're nothing, as if he didn't call and treat you like a princess, the love of his life, making you feel and treated so special and loved. Was that all a make believe thing?
"This is a good prank amongst all the pranks you did back then," you laugh stupidly, shaking your head as let your tears fall down on the snow. "Stop it now, Jung-"
"You stop now, Y/N! Does it still not clear for you?" Jungkook raises his voice, already losing patience on your stubbornness and you can't help but feel a painful throb on your chest. And since you're much hardheaded than you expected to be, you would still hang on the fact that this is all just a joke. Maybe another prank that he got from watching youtube videos and other pranking contents online. "I'm tired of pretending everyday that I love you, that I have to look at those eyes and not feel anything but guilt. I'm dumb, okay? I'm such a douche for doing that shit... the whole surprise asking you to be my girlfriend three years ago. It's wrong, but I felt empty and I... you were the one who's there for me, I was just confused."
"Confused?" you scoff harshly pushing his chest with your own strength even though his body doesn't react that much due to his size. Now you're slowly picking him up, a glimpse of his reason why he's doing this. "What the hell are you talking about? You don't make any sense, Kook!" you yell back at him.
"I make sense. It is just you who don't want to understand what I'm saying!" he snaps at you, causing you to curse under your breath. How is it your fault now? Fuck.
"So, it is my fault now?" you faked a laugh and gasp in disbelief, frustratedly pinching the bridge of your nose as you shake your head aggresively. "Oh, come on. You did this to me, Kook. It is not my fault if I can't understand why you're suddenly breaking up with me, telling me that it was all an act as if you didn't yell to the world how much you love me. How is that my fucking fault?" you yell loudly, gladly there are no people passing by, the stores are already close and the houses are not that nearby the park.
"Tell me, Jungkook! How is it my fault when you are the one who faked everything in the first place?" you scoff, brows furrowing to a scowl as you took a step forward closer to him.
"I didn't say it was your fault!" he shoots back angrily. You never expected him to be like this, to be this harsh and hard on you. Jungkook never showed this side of him no matter how pissed he may get and it somehow surprised the hell out of you. "I was just saying that you're not trying to understand me!"
"Because I really can't!" you growl, pointing fingers on him. "You were my best friend, my favorite person, my everything, and suddenly you're acting like this... like an idiot! You can't expect me to understand this easily because I'm not like you!"
A blast of unexpected anger eats you the moment you realized this is not for fun. The uncontrollable fire on your blood, heat boiling up your flesh despite how cold the weather seems to be, you don't feel that nor anything but feral anger and confusion.
Jungkook knows that he had pushed every buttons you have, sensitive or not, he's sure you already reached your peak. The way you yelled this loud and how you strongly averse against his confession, he can't go wrong with the fact that you're not on yourself.
The surprise you made - the whole magical-looking park and the well-prepared designed gazebo became a background for a fucked up break up and his guilt punched him for that, for how fuck up he is.
"I'm not like you, because I'm not a fucking lying piece of shit." you grunt, losing your petulance. "You faked everything, for what? Tell me. Have I done a mistake, something you don't like? Or... or is there something wrong about me? Am I not enough? Am I not beautiful enough? Tell me what's wrong, Kook!"
"There's nothing wrong with you, Y/N. You're beautiful and perfect, I don't deserve you. You're too good for me!"
"What the fuck is that?" you cursed at him, furrowing your eyebrows as you scrunch your face in confusion. "That's not the reason, Kook. I'm not dumb."
"You're asking for a reason and I am giving it to you, Y/N!"
"Fuck," you curse from here and there, mind full of messed up thoughts . "Tell me what's the real reason, for the goodness of God!" you frustratedly demands, palm touching your forehead as you heave for oxygen.
You are unsure if you should bring this up, still hesitating if mentioning the name of this person will clear everything. When he said that he's confused, someone suddenly popped up on your head and maybe saying this name might clear things for you, at the very least. Clearing your throat, you straighten up yourself even though it was a hard trying one.
"I hope this is not about Luna, Kook."
Luna. Luna was Jungkook's first love ever since he was a kid. She was his childhood friend who used to live next door, his dear best friend and classmate. Unexpectedly and suddenly, Luna left the country and went to America to study doctoring right away after their graduation.
In your honesty, you don't hate her for occupying that position instead of you, when you and Jungkook became friends when Luna has always been there in the first place. Your just, like, an add-on in an ice cream if he's the cone and she's the ice cream. You're nothing compared to her, even though she's the first, you are expecting yourself to be the last for Jungkook, but that changes in a snap.
Jungkook's eyes averts quickly at you, just by hearing the name you mentioned, his heart ached even more. It was supposed to be nothing, he should feel nothing, but why does he feel like throwing up? This feeling in his stomach, it's agonizing. Knowing the reality that there's a chance of hurting you the moment he answers your question, he stayed silent instead. You probably know it by know at how he looks so guilty and obvious, he thinks nervously while he regards your features.
"So, it's about her?"
"H-How did you know? I... I mean, what made you think it was because of her? " Jungkook asks almost edgeless, his voice lowers as he hears her name.
"We met last week. She came back, right?" you rave, proud of yourself for telling him that you knew it first before he gets to tell you. It was when you where buying a coffee near the building you're currently working on when somone behind you tapped your shoulders, steering your body around as your eyes met with Luna's black iris and gentle smile.
And now, he doesn't have any rights to answer you with dishonesty, unless he has the audacity. "Did she came back for you? Is that why you're breaking up with me? Wow, what a plot twist!" you clap to yourself, laughing like an idiot after connecting the dots. Finally, you understand. It's really happening, you're going to break up with him, for sure.
"I-It's not like that," he mumbles under his breathe, catching your wrist but you throw it aggresively causing his hand to slip his grip.
"Then what?"
"I'm sorry, " he tells you apologetically, eyes sparks in empathy as he sees your current state. You're such a mess. "I'm sorry for lyi-"
'Im sorry' that's not the answer you're expecting from him. You expected that he's going to, at least, defend that it is not because of her, because if it really was, then your whole relationship with him was nothing but all sham. Oh, god.
"I'm sorry?" you scoff, palming your chest in disappointment. So, it really is. "You're feeling sorry right now? Just right now after what you've done? Oh god, I don't understand you. Was this still an acting or what?"
"Acting? What? No!" Jungkook retorts, face scrunching in complete guilt. "Of course not! Let me clear things for you, Y/N."
You frown, giving him a cautious glance. "No, Kook. Whatever this is, I can't understand. Even if you explain it, even if you tell me the whole story and your intention for having a relationship with me, my heart and mind will never understand. We were just fine this morning, we kissed and said 'I love you' to each other before leaving my apartment. Last night we were sitting finely on your couch, watching our favorite movie while laughing and eating popcorn and pizza you bought because you told me you can't prepare food since you just got home from work. We were hardly okay, not until this." you tell him through clenched teeth, lowkey stopping yourself because you really want to punch him in the face righ now.
"I don't know anymore," you mutter vulnerably, a small teardrop stream down on your cheeks. "I gave you everything I have. Do you know how fucked up is that? It hurts so much that I can't manage myself to look at you the same way I do before. This is so sudden, you almost made me believe that it was all true and genuine. That it was all out of love, but it is not. Where did I go wrong to be treated like this? Was I a bad girlfriend, Kook? I can't see where I lack as a girlfriend to you. We gave everything to each other, for Sherlock's shit, we even planned our future together and now we're here arguing, losing that three-year relationship and the bond we created for years." with eyes already full of water, you tried to speak again even though your voice is shaky and broken. "I'd rather go deaf than hearing your explanations, because I can't accept this."
It was unexpected, but your tears burst suddenly. You don't want to believe him anymore neither trust him even with the simplest things and matters. If it wasn't for your weak and shallow heart, you're not here, crying and showing your vulnerable side. Your knees weakened, causing you to stumble on the snow. Jungkook quickly reach for you, but you're too fast to stop him by using your hand, signaling him not to touch you nor go any closer to your reach.
Most people will say that you're desperate and dumb, but in reality, you're just hurt and sad. You can't bring yourself to accept the fact the Jungkook just fooled you - used you even, to move on, to be temporarily happy, to disguise himself with a strong mask, to entertain himself from the fact that Luna left him for her dreams. It is not her dreams that he's angry with, it was because Luna left him without saying anything.
And to mask his own vulnerable side, Jungkook used you to feel a little bit better and strong - he used you as his pillow when he cries, his blanket when he feels cold, his love and pain when he feels numb. Jungkook used you just to feel better and now you feel worse for that.
The days you spent with him playing games, eating your favorite food and desserts together, cleaning your house and watching your favorite netflix series while cuddling and doing funny and goofy stuffs, going out for a walk and then visiting your favorite cafe afterwards. Jungkook made you feel loved and special without you noticing that it was all fake and made up. Those time he looks at you with his doe eyes, he was just forcing himself to feel something, to look at you as if you're the most beautiful woman in the world. Those times where he hugs and kisses you, he was just forcing himself to feel your warmth even though it is not the warmth he wants to feel.
You can't imagine those acts as something he just forced himself to do, because it feels real to you.
You love Jungkook so much that you can't hate him for doing such things. Maybe the love you have for him reflects the love he has for Luna and that's the only matter you have in common - loving someone who has or had the chance of leaving.
Afterall, you're still thankful for feeling and experiencing amazing and unexplainable things even though all of it was counterfeit and not real. Jungkook brought out the best in you, he once taught you that giving your best to something you're passionate about is the most satisfying thing to ever happen in your entire life, because it is like pouring everything you have for something you love and very special to you.
And you did, but in the wrong person.
You gathered all your strength to pull and straighten up yourself, wiping your scattered tears using the back of your hand before you raise your head and look at him straight in the eyes. Your eyes soften as you watch his tears crawling down his cheeks, this is not the first time, but when you see him with that state, you can't help but feel so hurt.
"Jungkook," his eyes opened wide as you call him with your painful voice. His eyes watches the sight of your heart-shaped lips, forming a genuine smile that immediately causes his heart to beat a painful throb. "Please be happy." you tell him softly and you know it came deeply from your heart. There's no bitterness nor any amount of rage, just your pure love and sincerity.
"Y/N..." he tries to speak probably striving his chance to explain, but you stopped him by shaking your head and smiling a serene beam.
"There's no need to feel sorry, Kook. I can't blame you for loving her so much. It's what your heart and brain wants," you giggled bitterly and weakly, knowing that you are just like him when it comes to loving. You're both idiots and that's the worst thing about love, it makes you crazy and fool. "Follow what your heart says, Kookie. I don't want you to live your life forcing yourself to love me. I understand everything now, you don't have to explain more. I am letting you go."
"B-But..."
"Goodbye, Jungkook." you cut him by pulling his body near to you, giving him the tightest hug you ever gave him, causing him to gently pat your back while forcing himself not to cry. His features still show a smear of shock at how you hugged him so tight instead of slapping or hurting him back. He can't go wrong at the glimpse fact that he doesn't deserve someone like you, someone so pure and tender. "Promise me, that you'll be happy with her." you whisper kindly, forcing a painful smile to display on your lips while Jungkook nods.
This is the last time for eveything, the end of this relationship, and after realizing what he did after making you cry, he wants to make it up to you, but he knows that's not what you want.
After a good minute of the last hug, you finally pull yourself to let go, already feeling the absence of his warmness that's for sure you're going to miss and long for a meantime. What now? What are you going to do now that you have to be alone again, leaving you with your two friends. In all honesty, it is Jungkook who you always want to be with you. Your world almost rotated around your relationship and work, and now your only left with making dresses and doing photoshoots. For sure, you'll take another extra centimeters away from guys who has the probability of making you fall in love with them and breaking your heart afterwards.
Not all boys are the same, but most of them are idiots who only has three braincells left on their brains.
It'll take some time. You tell yourself as you swing your bag to your shoulder, tightening your scarf around your neck as you silently cry on it while walking on the cold weather you expect to walk with Jungkook after your surprise. He's the one who supposed to be surprised but it ended up with you being the one who did. Trying to restrain yourself from crying makes it even worst as you feel your stomach knots in a very weird way, you can really tell you're gonna throw up in any moment.
There are no more taxi nor any bus passing by as you wait under the bus stop, almost dozing off from the tiredness of your puffy eyes. Somehow, you're thankful that your eyes got tired from crying so it can rest for a little while even though your heart still pumps painfully and your airway is still the same, clogged and heavy.
Despite the heaviness of your chest, you sneakily took a deep breath before grabbing your phone from the pocket of your padding coat to check how late it is already. Looking at the time, you perceive that it's already 1 am and you're still not home. The sudden buzz on your phone startled you a little bit before you saw a call notification overlying your screen. You fixed yourself, cough softly to at least make your voice better and not husky. Answering your friend's call, Taehyung, the silence and gloomy feeling had left as Taehyung's voice fill it up.
┌──────── ∘°❉°∘ ────────┐
Tae: Y/N, where are you? Are you staying at Jungkook's?
You: Tae, can you pick me up?
Tae: Pick you up? Where? Aren't you with your boyfriend?
This is where Taehyung's pitch gets higher and concerned, but you don't care about anything right now. He probably sounds like that because he's surely going to be a dead meat from your older brother if something bad happen to you.
You: Do you know the park near the beach? There's a bus stop near there.
Tae: Where's Jungkook? Did he leave without driving you home? Wait, I'm grabbing my keys. Do you have your coat with you? Are you wearing a scarf and a glove? I'll bring them with me if you don't.
You: Tae, I'm fine. Just come here, I'm already freezing.
Tae: I'll be there as fast as I could, okay? Just hang in there, love you.
You: Bye, keep safe.
└──────── °∘❉∘° ────────┘
Taehyung is one of your closest friend along with Jia, and the friendship you share with them is almost the same with Jungkook. The three of you shares a huge apartment, owns different bedrooms, of course, for personal space. Although you don't have the same work, the three of you earns a lot, ending up with buying your own shared apartment. Jungkook has his own house his dad gave him, but it's a bit far from yours.
When the line ends there, you didn't plan it but you fell asleep while waiting for Taehyung, hugging yourself to keep the warmth of your body a little bit longer since the snow keeps on getting stronger.
wc: 5.5k