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Kurt couldn’t help but smile as he realized that Blaine had come alone. He didn’t want to overanalyze this but Blaine coming alone plus their newly found again comfort around each other made him hopeful that maybe they did still have a chance.
Even though prior to their forced kiss in Sue’s elevator he had tried to convince himself otherwise, Kurt wanted nothing more than to be close to Blaine again. To be allowed to hold this beautiful man in his arms again, to love him.
But it was up to Blaine and Kurt knew that. Blaine had moved on and Kurt had no right to destroy Blaine’s relationship with Karofsky. Although from the way Blaine kept looking at him as he made his way into the room and greeted everyone, Kurt wasn’t quite certain if maybe Blaine hadn’t moved on after all.
Still smiling, he followed Blaine into the living room and sat down next to Rachel who was once again talking to Mercedes about how well her audition went. Kurt ignored her. Rachel had told him all about it at least three times already and he really didn’t need to hear it a fourth time.
Lost in thought, he looked around the room. Santana and Brittany were talking to Artie about their upcoming wedding, Sam was talking to some of the newbies about their latest musical number and Mr. and Mrs. Schuester were proudly presenting their baby to Blaine.
Kurt could see his ex-fiancé’s facial expression from where he was sitting and the smile that lit up Blaine’s face was so radiant and happy that for a second Kurt wasn’t sure if he could keep looking at it.
But then Mrs. Schuester was handing Daniel Finn over to Blaine and Kurt couldn’t breathe for a moment. Blaine looked so content and joyful with Daniel nestled safely in his arms. He looked so at ease and for a second, Kurt could picture him a few years into the future, holding a baby with beautiful hazel eyes and dark curls.
They had talked about having children numerous times; hell, they had even done it last week when they had been locked into Sue’s elevator. But to have the picture of Blaine as a father visualized before him was something Kurt hadn’t been prepared for.
He could feel the color drain from his face and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mercedes looking at him with worry written all over her face.
He turned his head then, quickly put a fake smile on his face and told her and Rachel that he was just getting himself a drink in the kitchen. Quickly getting up, he rushed out of the living room and into the thankfully empty kitchen.
With his forehead pressed against the surface of a kitchen cupboard, he closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose. Seeing Blaine with a baby in his arms had hit him in unexpected ways, but it wasn’t the reason why Kurt had rushed to leave the room. It was his own feelings that threatened to overwhelm him.
Reminding himself that this really wasn’t the time or place to cry, he wiped his hands over his eyes to remove the few traitorous tears that had escaped.
He was so focused on calming himself down that he didn’t even hear the footsteps that announced that he wasn’t the only one in the kitchen anymore.
“Kurt?” Kurt’s head snapped up so fast that he got a bit dizzy. Turning around slowly, he was faced with the one person that made the chaos in his heart even more disorganized.
“Blaine, hi… again.” He stammered. He could feel the blood rushing to his head and was quite relieved that he hadn’t turned on the light in the kitchen when he had entered. Maybe this way Blaine wouldn’t notice the blush rising to his cheeks or the red around his eyes.
But of course Blaine recognized that something was wrong. After five years of knowing each other there was practically no way that Blaine wouldn’t notice when Kurt was upset.
“What’s wrong?” He asked and took another step into the kitchen.
Kurt crossed his arms in front of his chest then realized how protective the gesture might come across and instead used them to brace himself against the kitchen counter.
“I’m just being stupid, is all.” He tried to maneuver his way out of this uncomfortable situation.
“Whatever it is, I highly doubt you’re being stupid. You’re upset about something. Please tell me so that I… so that I can help.” Blaine answered. His eyes were locked onto Kurt’s face and he was looking so honest and like he genuinely wanted to help.
Kurt’s heart twisted painfully in his chest as he took in the way Blaine was looking at him. There was no way he would be able lie to Blaine like this. He sighed and instead settled for something close to the truth.
“Everything is just very overwhelming at the moment. You know, with Santana and Brittany’s wedding, glee club… you.” He forced himself to say. He had learned the hard way that he needed to be open with Blaine about his feelings. Even if that meant being vulnerable around the one person who could easily break him.
The way they were standing, Blaine with his back to the door from where the only light was streaming into the room, Kurt couldn’t quite see Blaine’s face. But he didn’t miss the surprised look crossing Blaine’s face.
“Me?” The shorter boy asked and stepped closer.
Kurt frowned at him, a bit shaken by Blaine coming closer. “Of course you. Always you.” His voice shook at the last sentence.
“Always me?” Blaine asked and stepped even closer.
This time Kurt couldn’t stop himself from crossing his arms protectively across his chest. “Are you just going to repeat everything I’m saying?” He asked not un-kindly.
Blaine smiled at him then and shrugged. “Maybe. We do kind of have this thing where we repeat each other’s sentence.”
Kurt rolled his eyes and snorted because yeah, he was definitely aware of that.
Blaine was still smiling at him. Tilting his head a little as if to study Kurt, he asked: “Why am I overwhelming?”
“You’re always overwhelming, Blaine. In a good way, but you’re always…” Kurt stopped there, searching for the right words to express his feelings.
Blaine waited patiently, sensing how important it was for Kurt to say this right.
“Every time I look at you it’s like I’ve been surrounded by darkness and am suddenly looking into the sun. You radiate so much brightness that sometimes it’s overwhelming to look at you.
“When I think about you it feels like my chest is going to explode because my heart keeps beating so fast. My thoughts are running around my mind and it is as if my brain is trying to think about everything at once. Your smile, your eyes, the way you used to look at me, how you told me you loved me.
“It’s so much, Blaine. You mean so much to me and I blew it, us. I hurt you and every time I look at you now my heart aches because I know I am not allowed to reach out to you anymore, to hug you and to comfort you.
And seeing you in there, holding that baby… It’s everything I want. And I can’t have it; because I was stupid and scared and because I broke your heart.
So when I look at you now, when I’m around you, I am not only overwhelmed by how much I love you but also by how much I hate myself for what I did.”
He stopped then to catch his breath. Tears were now freely streaming down his face but Kurt didn’t even care anymore. All he could do was stare at Blaine and wait for him to say something.
Blaine’s facial expression had changed over the duration of Kurt’s speech. The smile had disappeared and he was looking at Kurt with an expression that Kurt hadn’t seen on his face before and therefore couldn’t read.
They were quiet for a few seconds but then Blaine took a deep breath. “Please don’t say you hate yourself, Kurt.”
“How can I not, Blaine? How can I not, when I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me? When I hurt the love of my life so much? When I…”
He wanted to go on but suddenly two strong arms were wrapping themselves around him. For a few seconds he just stood there, tense and frozen to the spot.
But when it became obvious that Blaine had no intention of letting go, Kurt slowly calmed down. His arms uncrossed and automatically found their way over Blaine’s shoulders.
It was a tight hug; as if both boys were afraid to let go.
For the first time in month, Kurt felt like he could breathe again. He relaxed further into the hug and even dared to lean his head against Blaine’s.
“Why are you hugging me when I basically just stated the biggest mistake I ever made?” He asked quietly when he couldn’t take Blaine’s silence anymore.
Blaine shifted and pressed his face against Kurt’s neck before answering: “Because no matter what you did, do or will do in the future, I can’t stand you tearing yourself down like that.”
“But I hurt you.” Kurt answered almost automatically and then mentally slapped himself because his statement was so obvious and unnecessary.
“Yeah you did.” Blaine answered and sighed so deeply that Kurt could feel it. “But so did I.”
Kurt frowned. “No, that was years ago, Blaine. You can’t compare what you did to what I did because I had no reason to hurt…”
“Kurt.” Blaine interrupted him and drew back. Kurt immediately missed his embrace.
They were looking at each other now, still standing way too close but at the same time not close enough.
“What I’m trying to say is that we both did horrible things. We both screwed up and we hurt each other and we aren’t perfect.”
Blaine stopped and made sure that Kurt was directly looking him in the eyes before he continued.
“Our relationship isn’t perfect. It never really was. But that doesn’t matter. Wanna know why?”
“Why?” Kurt asked and even to himself his voice sounded way too small.
Blaine was smiling again and cupped Kurt’s face with one of his hands so that he could slowly stroke his thumb across his cheekbone.
“Because you’re the love of my life. And you just told me I’m the love of your life. Because what you described about how you feel when we’re close is true for me too. Because I have tried so hard to move on, Kurt. But I can’t and honestly, I don’t want to. Because I love you.”
The way he said this, so matter-of-factly took Kurt’s breath away. It never ceased to amaze him how Blaine always left him breathless.
“You have no idea how much I love you. And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of our lives showing you how much you mean to me and how much I love you.” Kurt whispered but they were so close that there was no way Blaine could have missed any of what he’d said.
“I want that, Kurt. I really want that.” His voice broke a little when he said Kurt’s name and there were tears glistening in his eyes.
Kurt himself was crying again too. His heart was filled with so much love and hope and happiness and his mind was screaming Blaine, Blaine, Blaine at him. He was gasping for air but through his tears he could see that Blaine was obviously having trouble breathing too.
He realized suddenly that he was gripping Blaine’s waist and his fingers flexed against Blaine’s shirt as everything in him urged him to pull Blaine closer.
But he just stood there and let Blaine decide. Because it was still Blaine’s decision what would happen next. Kurt knew without a doubt that if possible he would marry Blaine right then and there. But he also knew that Blaine still needed time.
“I’m gonna kiss you now, okay? And I’m gonna kiss you because I want to and not because Sue is forcing us. May I kiss you?” Blaine said and god, he was asking permission to kiss Kurt and Kurt just loved him so, so much.
He couldn’t speak, could only nod and gasp one final time before Blaine’s lips were on his.
His whole being zeroed in on where their lips met. Blaine’s hands were in Kurt’s hair and suddenly their mouths were open and Blaine was slipping his tongue into Kurt’s mouth. It was everything that Kurt remembered and so much more.
“Blaine.” He gasped and Blaine broke the kiss to press a million little kisses all over Kurt’s face, jaw and neck.
He kept kissing him everywhere he could reach while they stood there and calmed down a little. After a while, Kurt nuzzled his face against Blaine’s cheek and pressed his nose again Blaine’s ear. God, he had even missed the smell of Blaine’s hair gel.
“I just need a little more time.” Blaine said some time later. And Kurt understood what he meant.
So he just nodded and smiled, pressing the raised corner of his lips into Blaine’s skin so that the other boy could feel it.
“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to spring this all on you, I just… I saw you with Daniel and suddenly I couldn’t stop picturing you with our child in your arms and a ring on your finger and…” His voice, full of emotion, wobbled a little then and he let out a small breath.
“I get it. You don’t need to apologize.” Blaine pulled away a bit to look Kurt in the eyes when he said this.
They smiled at each other then and just stood there, entangled in their own little world.
“We really should get back inside the living room before anyone stumbles in here. I don’t think I want to hear any comments about our relationship tonight.” Blaine said after a while, still smiling.
Kurt nodded. “Yeah, me neither.”
Slowly, they managed to disentangle themselves from one another. Finally, Blaine took a step back so that there was room between them again.
But this time it didn’t feel so horrible to let go of each other. Still smiling at each other, they made their way towards the door.
Before they could step outside the kitchen, Kurt quickly grabbed Blaine’s wrist and pulled him back a little.
“Hey, eh, do you wanna… I mean, would you like to get some coffee sometime soon… with me?” Kurt asked.
Blaine’s blinding smile was answer enough but seeing him nod and answer yes made Kurt’s heart swell even more.
“It’s a date.” Blaine said and winked at Kurt before he left the room.
Kurt just stood there for a second, breathing deeply through his nose.
Of course this didn’t mean that suddenly everything was back to normal. They would have to work on themselves to make this relationship work. There would be good times and bad times and then times were everything seemed hopeless.
But if there was one thing that Kurt had learned over the past five years of loving Blaine, it was that their love was stronger than any obstacle that life might throw at them. And that together they could make it work.
When he sat down next to Rachel and Mercedes again he didn’t have the fake a smile. The smile would stay on his face for the rest of the evening.