Archive of Our Own

Sol didn’t know how it started, it just did.

And now with Jiwan straddling Sol, her long hair curtaining around them while soft lips pressed against hers, Sol vaguely wondered if this would blow up in her face at some point. 

But of course it eventually would. 

Yet Sol couldn’t stop herself.

Not when Sol gripped the soft, familiar material of her own clothes on Jiwan at the waist when delicate hands carded through her hair, pulling her impossibly closer.

. . .

It was probably that drunken kiss late at night, that day.

When Sol was fast asleep until a loud series of knocks startled her from sleep.

Sol groggily wondered who in their right mind would be at her door in the dead of night as she squinted at the time.

It was almost three a.m.

She made no move to get out of bed, hoping the person would leave, that is until the sound started up again and Sol suddenly shot up from bed because only one person she knew knocked like that.

It sounded of a familiar nameless tune and Sol ran a hand through her messy hair as she wearily padded her way over to the door.

She looked like a whole mess but she couldn’t be bothered by it.

Sol took a deep breath to prepare herself for whatever would happen before grabbing the metal handle and yanking the door open, to be met with an obviously drunk Jiwan.

A drunk Jiwan was dangerous.

Jiwan’s head was ducked down as her foot was mindlessly digging into the ground. At the sound of the door opening, her head slowly tilted up, locking eyes with the taller girl.

Jiwan’s face broke out into a wide smile, eyes lighting up.

“Sol!” She called out in a drunken slur, raising her arms up in preparation of a hug.

Sol quirked a brow and tried not to wrinkle her nose at the faint waft of alcohol coming from the shorter girl.

“You’re drunk.” Sol stated matter-of-factly, voice scratchy with sleep.

“No, I’m not,” the shorter pouted at the accusation before blindly stepping forward.

Jiwan clumsily stumbled in, grabbing onto Sol’s arms for support and slumping against her.

Jiwan became more touchy whenever she got drunk, especially with Sol. 

As if she craved it.

She always had to be in contact, whether it was a hand on a shoulder or on a knee or even wrapped around her own, they were never apart. So much so that their friends would often joke and say they were attached by the hip.

Jiwan typically leaned on her and Sol had to learn to balance both their bodies without collapsing.

So, it wasn’t anything Sol wasn’t used to as she too grabbed onto Jiwan’s arms.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were out with Bitna and the rest?” Sol peeked over Jiwan’s shoulder trying to see if anyone was there.

Dainty hands gripped at Sol’s arms.

“I was,” Jiwan drawled out, the words coming to her slowly. “But then I came here to see you.”

Sweet drunken words made Sol’s heart pick up at an erratic pace and she internally scolded herself.

That doesn’t mean anything.

Besides, there were more important things to deal with at the moment.

“Come with me.”

Jiwan loosely held onto the hem of Sol’s shirt as the taller korean slowly guided her to the kitchen to drink some water and then to the bedroom.

As much as Sol liked the way in which Jiwan’s flowery dress fit perfectly, hugging hidden curves and highlighting the girl’s beauty, she rummaged around in her drawer for spare clothes, ones that were comfortable enough for sleep.

Sol changed Jiwan into sleepwear since it looked like the shorter korean was going to be spending the night.

“Here, change into these.”

“Thank you,” Jiwan said, letting go of the bottom of Sol’s shirt and grabbing the offered clothes with a bleary smile.

And then proceeded to begin taking off her dress, right in front of a shocked Sol.

“Wait, what are you doing?!” Sol frantically whirled around, heart pounding and hands over her widened eyes.

“Changing,” a pause filled with a breathy giggle. “Duh.”

Sol groaned, hands still covering her face. “There’s a bathroom right there, Jiwan.”

“It’s fine,” the other slurred out. “I’m almost done anyway.”

Jiwan really didn’t know the effect she had on Sol and one of these days, Sol was going to drop dead.

Cause of death: Seo Jiwan and her sneaky ways.

“No peeking,” a mock stern voice.

“I know, I know,” she fought back the red hue, embarrassed.

But hearing a giggle, she knew Jiwan had seen the way the tips of her ears had reddened.

Sol cautiously took a seat on the bed, still facing the wall and trying not to listen to the unzipping noises behind her.

She didn’t know if she was going to survive the night, because she knew for sure she wouldn’t if things persisted like this.

“Done!”

The second Sol turned around, Jiwan dove towards her on the bed, arms always quick to loop around her.

Sol let out a laugh, almost falling backward on the bed at the impact, barely managing to catch herself.

Perfect to describe her own situation.

Jiwan’s hands firmly held onto her waist, her head pressed against her stomach.

Looking down at her, Sol tried to ignore the way her clothes fit Jiwan.

They were baggy and oversized over Jiwan’s small and petite figure, yet Sol thought she couldn’t look any cuter. And it lit a fire in her.

Jiwan tilted her head up, angling to meet Sol’s gaze. 

All was silent, the room dark other than from the sliver of moonlight peeking from her thin curtains. It shone over them, just enough to see the way the other was gazing at her.

Jiwan blinked at Sol and it felt like she was peering into the taller korean’s soul, uncovering all her long-kept secrets.

Jiwan was intensely staring up at her and Sol gulped nervously, immediately breaking eye contact with her.

The atmosphere around them had suddenly turned tense and she didn’t have a clue on why.

“Sol.”

To glance back strangely felt dangerous and Sol could practically hear the sirens going off in her head, blaring red all around.

So, she tried to ignore the voice and swiftly end the night before something happened.

“L-let’s sleep n-“ 

A breath followed by a sudden pause.

The light feathery brush of lashes against her cheek as warm lips pressed against hers, effectively cutting off her words and any coherent thought in her mind.

What .

Jiwan had pushed herself up on her hands, sitting up and leaning toward her while Sol was frozen to her spot, eyes wide.

She couldn’t do anything. 

She didn’t know what to do.

Though it was gone as soon as it had happened as Jiwan delicately leaned back, eyes fluttering open.

Too soon.

Shocked, shaking eyes darted to look at Jiwan.

Jiwan just dopily smiled up at her, eyes blinking sleepily all innocently as if she hadn’t just kissed Sol.

Sol sat there in deafening silence, her throat having gone dry at the turn of events.

Her body felt numb, yet with the prickles of adrenaline.

She couldn’t process it, couldn’t fathom Jiwan kissing her.

Jiwan kissed me.

A hand reached forward and slowly slid its way past her neck, while Sol fought back the shiver threatening to spread through her with a clenched jaw.

This time she was expecting it, knowing what was to come. And she had enough time to push the girl away if she wanted. 

She should.

Push her away.

She stayed still.

She only watched, holding her breath, lest it be stolen from her in an instant.

Invading her space and closing the slight gap in between, Jiwan held her as she surged forward.

Soft lips lightly danced over before pressing against hers once again, and Sol kept her eyes screwed shut.

What are we doing?

What am I doing?

She was taking advantage of a drunk Jiwan by doing nothing to stop her, even if the actions were insinuated by the other.

She needed to push her away, to end whatever was happening.

But the moment Jiwan’s fingers dug into her jaw as she pushed closer, Sol knew she was done for.

I’m so stupid.

They kissed until Sol began to respond despite every fiber in her screaming not to do it, knowing there would be consequences sooner or later, until Sol melted from the way Jiwan’s lips moved against hers and hands squeezing at hips.

Jiwan was the one drunk, but why did it feel like Sol was as well?

Maybe it was from the heavy tang of alcohol Jiwan tasted of, yet a slight distinct sweetness mixed in it all. The ball of heat in Sol spread throughout her body, making her mind hazy.

Her lungs burned from the effort, but she didn’t want to stop.

She’s had a taste, and now she was addicted.

Jiwan pulled away, breathlessly giggling. Sol watched in awe as the girl’s nose crinkled up adorably and her eyes turned into crescents with shining lips.

And Sol had half a mind to mentally capture this picture, quietly storing it in the back, with Jiwan looking at her all starry-eyed after kissing her breathless.

Jiwan tucked her head into the crook of Sol’s neck, sleepily mumbling drunk incoherent words against her skin, and fell fast asleep as if it were that easy.

Leaving Sol sitting there with her lips on fire, thoughts racing in time with her heart.

Sol leaned back and laid down onto the bed, her arm holding Jiwan’s slumped figure close.

Sol knew her arm would be aching in the morning but she didn’t care.

Her heart was thundering loudly.

And so, Sol stared up at her plain white ceiling wondering what she had done and how this was going to change things, for the better or for the worse was what she didn’t know.

She didn’t get much sleep.

. . .

The morning sunlight that shone through the curtains replaced the moonlight of last night. It flashed right into Sol’s open eyes and onto her body where Jiwan was tucked against.

It wasn’t until the shorter girl began to stir from her sleep when Sol finally moved, her arm freezing and eyes flitting down to eyelids fluttering open. Blinking slowly to focus upon Sol’s frozen face.

“Hey,” Jiwan’s hoarse morning voice made Sol’s stomach do somersaults.

“Good morning,” Sol’s uneasiness seeping through her words, last night’s events still fresh in her mind.

She didn’t know if she should bring it up or not. She didn’t want to.

The shorter korean smiled, which quickly turned into a grimace.

“My head hurts,” Jiwan lowly whined, clutching at her head at the spiking pain from moving her head.

Did she not remember?

Sol nervously scolded her. “Well that’s what happens when you drink yourself all night long to oblivion.”

Jiwan groaned, “I know.”

The bed shifted as Jiwan clumsily got up, pushing herself up to her feet on the ground while keeping a hand on the bed for balance.

Sol watched as Jiwan padded over to the bathroom and disappeared from sight as she turned and closed the door.

Sol let her eyes shift back upward, staring aimlessly at nothing in particular.

What did I expect?

The answer was nothing, and yet the aching disappointment was immense.

She was too much of a coward to confront.

Sol unwillingly rolled out of bed, grabbing some clothes and walking to the bathroom the moment Jiwan stepped out. They didn’t speak, didn’t even look, and their shoulders brushed past one another.

Fighting the urge to turn around and say something, she quickly locked herself in the bathroom. Sparing a glance at herself in the mirror, Sol grimaced at the weary face looking back at her. She looked and felt horrible. 

Ducking down, she turned the tap on and splashed her face with a handful of water a couple of times, then she got herself ready for class.

All the while she was lost in her thoughts.

Once she stepped out, she saw how Jiwan sifted through her drawer of clothes, knowing Sol had a couple of Jiwan’s clothes stored somewhere there just in case.

Jiwan glanced up before getting her clothes and went back into the bathroom that Sol just finished up in.

How many times could they have talked yet never did?

Sol sat on the couch, leg bouncing up and down as an outlet of her nervousness, fingers fiddling with one another as she waited. 

She stood up once Jiwan was done and looked toward her.

“Ready?”

Jiwan nodded her head silently.

Grabbing her needed things, Sol and Jiwan awkwardly walked out to the bus stop, where they were able to climb onto and take their seats together.

Sol sat by the window, choosing to stare out at the scenery instead of facing the other. All the while she pretended she didn’t see how Jiwan looked at her when she thought Sol wouldn’t notice in the reflection of the window.

Only getting off at their stop in a kind of silence that Sol was scared to break, and then entering where they saw all their friends and Sol nodded at the greetings, allowing a small smile for herself. Jiwan left her side and ran over to Nabi, where she excitedly grabbed her into a hug, hearing laughter from the both of them.

Sol tried to ignore the ache she felt and walked over to her workstation, despite all the questions and confusion swirling in the depths of her mind. But she kept quiet, just like she always did in times and moments revolving around Jiwan. 

Because if this was going to be left unanswered, in the dark, then wouldn’t it be bad to bring it up and ruin everything they had?

Sol tried to drown out her thoughts by blasting music into her ears as she desperately busied herself with her project and ignored everything else.

And maybe everything could’ve been fine if Jiwan didn’t show up at her door drunk once again, a week since the last time.

Maybe that occurrence could’ve been shoved to the back of everything to be forgotten, but for it to happen once again.

There was no going back anymore.

Even when Sol swore to herself to not give in, it happened anyway.

With a stumbling hug, she walked in and minutes later burned Sol with a soft, searing kiss.

Try as she might, Sol ended up reciprocating the kiss the moment Jiwan pressed against her desperately in search of a response.

She just couldn’t deny Jiwan of anything.

She would give everything she had to satisfy the shorter korean, all to see that pretty, bright smile shine at her. 

Even if she lost it all in the end.

Without Sol realizing, it started to become more frequent, with a drunk Jiwan knocking on her door and Sol opening it to be met with nights filled with their lips locked against each other.

Only for them to be forgotten and unspoken of the next morning as if nothing had happened.

It was almost like a cycle.

One that Sol wasn’t sure how long she could continue for before it crumbled in her hands.

It only hurt her, so why did she persist?

She could only hope.

(“Hey Jiwan,” Bitna called out.

Jiwan looked up.

“Where did you go when you were literally dead drunk?” Bitna quirked a brow. “We didn’t even notice you left.”

Their group of friends turned to look at Jiwan curiously, while the girl in question only spared a glance to one certain tall korean who wasn’t paying attention to the conversation.

“Just,” a smile, “somewhere.”)

Maybe it was the instant gratification of it all, for Sol to pretend she was blissfully unaware of their situation and instead that she had something real with the girl she liked .

But that was delusional and she knew it was messed up.

It was just so easy to get lost in the little moments they shared with one another and forget all the complications secretly attached to everything.

If only life were that simple.

Then it got worse when drunk kisses turned sober.

When there is enough time in the mornings such as on the weekends, Sol would often make hangover food for Jiwan.

It was rather enjoyable cooking food and it gave the illusion of being domestic.

Jiwan would always groggily wake up in Sol’s arms and either stumble her way to the bathroom or pull the covers over her head, attempting to curl into Sol for warmth. And when that happened, Sol couldn’t resist Jiwan’s soft voice asking her to stay for longer when she tried to leave, instead letting the hand gripping her shirt to pull her back.

Moments such as those were filled with a cuddly Jiwan hugging Sol fiercely, intertwining their legs together under the blankets so that you wouldn’t know whose was whose. While Sol would let all of this happen, her hand slowly carding through the shorter girl’s hair soothingly.

Sometimes Sol would have to regretfully tell Jiwan that they had to get up on the days they had class, otherwise they'd be together like that for a couple more hours.

“Come on,” Sol gently prodded the girl.

Jiwan whined, refusing to let go of the taller korean. “Five more minutes.”

Sol sighed, always giving in to be left to count the seconds.

They’d eventually part though, and Sol would cook something up in the kitchen.

Today Sol had made hangover soup for Jiwan, efficiently pouring it into a separate bowl and taking it over to the table. At the same time, Jiwan had just finished freshening up in the bathroom, clicking the door shut behind her.

Sol was setting the bowl down on the table when Jiwan sauntered past her to the table and planted a swift peck on her lips as if it were the most normal thing.

A blink.

Then it registered in her brain.

The bowl slipped from her fingers, falling a short distance to the table and thankfully not spilling over except splashing onto Sol’s thumb.

Sol yelped, wincing, at the heat of the liquid burning into her skin.

And suddenly, Jiwan was by her side again, holding her hand to inspect the minor burn.

Sol couldn’t help but notice how soft Jiwan’s hands were and how they were a perfect fit with her own.

“Are you okay?” Jiwan asked, eyes filled with concern as she looked up.

It made Sol fall for her more.

“Y-yeah,” she stuttered nervously.

Jiwan blew air on it before bringing her hand close to place a light kiss on the burn. 

Suddenly, it felt like the burn spread through her body at the action.

“Better?”

A smile tugged at the corners of her lips and Sol pat Jiwan’s head, softly ruffling the girl’s hair as a way of her thanks. She was scared to open her mouth at that moment, feeling the deep urge to blurt all her deepest confessions right then and there.

“Actually, wait here for a second,” Jiwan said before dashing off from the kitchen.

A confused Sol was left standing there for a couple minutes until Jiwan came back with a full medical supply kit in hand.

Sol burst out laughing at the sight.

“It’s only a small burn, what is all this?” She asked incredulously and amused as Jiwan set the kit down onto the table, grabbing her minority burned finger.

“Just let me take care of you,” the girl shushed her. “We can’t let these pretty hands get damaged.”

She quirked a brow. “Pretty hands huh?”

“Yes,” Jiwan playfully rolled her eyes, still cradling Sol’s hand. “Everything about you is pretty, Sol. Don’t make me go through this again.”

Sol flushed red at the compliment.

“Well, you’re on a whole other level of beauty, so don’t deny that,” Sol courageously muttered out from under her breath. Just loud enough for Jiwan to catch it.

She daringly watched as Jiwan bit back an embarrassed smile.

Jiwan tilted her head more downward so her face was barely visible and applied some ointment on Sol’s finger. And if Sol noticed red cheeks, she didn’t comment.

She watched as Jiwan gingerly placed a bandaid so the ointment wouldn’t wipe off later on.

“All done,” Jiwan grinned.

The grin was contagious and Sol chuckled.

“Okay, now eat,” Sol gestured to the bowl.

The broth had cooled down considerably from the moment she had set it down.

“You sure you don’t want to eat anything?” Jiwan asked after taking a spoonful of the soup. “I can make you something if you want.”

Sol shook her head to decline the sweet offer, a light smile dancing at her lips. “No, I’m good.”

This was enough for her.

. . .

In the morning, in the afternoon, and late at night.

As if their kisses were a normal everyday thing to do now.

As if they were a real couple.

Sol knew Jiwan couldn’t try and pretend she didn’t remember when the girl was definitely not drunk. But they were left unspoken of as always.

And to be honest, Sol knew for a fact that Jiwan wasn’t always drunk when she showed up at her doorstep. Maybe at first it was frequent, but Sol soon noticed that the taste of alcohol completely disappeared off of Jiwan’s lips later.

Once in a while, Sol would feel fake confidence fill her and she would open her mouth only for Jiwan to dodge, to go somewhere with an excuse or change the subject as if she somehow knew what was building up in the taller korean.

“Hey, Sol,” Sehun called out with a smile, walking toward her.

Sol had been standing next to her sculpture, staring at it with thoughts of Jiwan and what was wrong with her project occupying her head. 

Something looked off with her sculpture, but she wasn’t sure what and it was frustrating.

Sol wanted to fix the problem with her sculpture because now it looked almost wonky, but she couldn’t seem to find the source that’s setting the whole figure off. Or maybe it was simply right in front of her and she wasn’t paying enough attention.

God, please don’t ask me again.

Sol turned to the voice, looking at Sehun expectantly albeit wearily.

Sehun’s smile grew bigger. “I have two tickets for the movies and was wondering if you’d like to come with me?”

He stopped to stand in front of her and Sol fought back her frown.

She had plans with Jiwan already and there was no way she was going to cancel them for Sehun. So, her answer was already clear from the start.

Sol glanced over at Jiwan’s workstation next to hers and was surprised when she saw the girl looking back at her.

“Oh, I’m actually kinda busy...” She trailed off, hoping he would understand.

Another glance and Sol wondered if she had imagined the faint smile across from her.

But it wouldn’t make sense because why would Jiwan be happy that she rejected Sehun?

“I see,” Sehun awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “Maybe next time.”

Knowing that was never going to happen, Sol nodded anyway.

Sehun walked back with his head ducked down and Sol turned back to her sculpture, brows furrowed.

She could practically feel Jiwan’s gaze on her, but she didn’t look over, trying to focus on what was in front of her instead so she could finish her project and be done with it.

She knew Jiwan was almost done with her project, whatever it was supposed to represent, a whole line of gummy bear sculptures. 

It made Sol smile.

Time quickly passed by and soon Bitna was brushing off her hands and groaning, stretching her back as she took a deep breath and shouted.

“Let’s all go out for drinks!”

Her voice boomed all around them and everyone cheered, hurriedly finishing up their final touches and grabbing their stuff to go out.

Sol watched the chaos in amusement, and was startled when she felt a shoulder bump into her own.

Gazing down, Jiwan stared up at her, eyebrows quirked upward as if in a silent question.

Sol pushed her shoulder back, letting the two of them bump softly.

“Let’s go.”

And so they let themselves get carried up with their loudly cheering friends, laughing along with their jokes and playful teasing.

Sol and Jiwan ended up sitting next to each other, as they usually did with everyone having gotten their drinks and filling the place with boisterous chatter.

Sol had been listening to the conversations in front of her, fully amused as she lightly sipped from her drink, when she was startled by something looping around her pinky finger.

Confused, Sol looked down where the table dipped and hid her hands, seeing the way Jiwan’s pinky had hooked around hers.

Sol glanced up and Jiwan flashed her a cheeky grin, making Sol get struck by her beauty as always.

The way in which the corners of Jiwan’s mouth lifted at the sight of her, how her eyes turned into pretty little crescents that seemed to shine and twinkle under the dim lights, the sides crinkling delicately. Even the way her cheeks were slightly flushed, making Sol wonder if it was from the alcohol or her.

It took her breath away.

Then the shorter tilted her head curiously, having been witness to Sol’s blatant staring, and Sol snapped out of her trance.

Jiwan’s grin slightly grew as if she knew exactly what was going through Sol’s head and this made the taller duck her head in embarrassment, visible ears tinted pink.

The light tinkle of Jiwan’s giggle filled her ears, as if it was the only thing she could hear despite the ruckus all around them. Like they were in their own little world.

Sol tilted her head back up when she felt a slight tug on her pinky.

“Is this okay?”

Jiwan’s voice had an undercurrent of hesitation, even if the lightness attempted to mask it.

Sol curled her finger tighter around Jiwan’s in response.

“Yeah.”

Sol’s eyes searched the depths of light brown pools of warmth that shone at her beautifully as they stared back.

A tug at the corners of her lips.

“It’s more than okay.”

The two of them sat together quietly with their lone pinkies interlocked under the table, where none of their friends could lay witness to.

But just because it was hidden in plain sight didn’t mean that it wasn’t there.

Sol watched as Jiwan awkwardly grabbed her drink with her left hand, knowing full well the girl was right handed and wasn’t used to using the other hand.

It was silly because Jiwan could just simply let go of Sol’s hand due to the inconvenience, and yet she didn’t, keeping their pinkies locked until the end when everyone was leaving.

And it warmed Sol’s heart.

. . .

Sol had been sculpting when Jiwan broke her focus when she called out to her, grabbing her attention as she wondered why Sol wasn’t coming with her.

Sol was closer than before to finishing the whole piece up and especially fixing the little error she had incorrectly calculated and created.

It was strange to see how a single mistake set off the entirety of the sculpture.

“Ah,” Sol pursed her lips. “I think I’m going to stay back here for a bit longer.”

Jiwan turned around with a visible frown.

“Wait, you’re staying back?” Jiwan’s pout was all too cute.

“You’re not going to come to the hangout?”

Sol hummed. “I’m finally making some progress and now I’m almost done. I just have a couple little tweaks to make.”

She looked at Jiwan with a reassuring smile. “But you should go without me.”

As much as the taller girl wanted to go with the rest of them, she really couldn’t afford to.

“Okay,” in a deflated voice as she walked backwards.

Sol called out, head already turned away to her front. “Don’t miss me too much!”

Jiwan muttered something under her breath that Sol couldn’t catch. But before Sol could ask, Jiwan waved at her and sped out the door.

Sol lightly chuckled before grabbing her pair of headphones from where they loosely rested down at her neck and put them on, letting herself get lost in the music that flowed into her ears as she got back to work.

Her arms and muscles burned from the exertion of lifting and shifting the giant metal pieces to fit them back in a better position, and then constantly screwing and unscrewing the bolts.

It’d only been a half hour when Sol groaned, wiping the sweat from her brow and decided to take a break.

Her body ached from how long she had been standing in place as she took slight measures of the metal and wood pieces in front of her work station, trying to piece it together.

Just as her mind ran back and wondered how Jiwan was, slim arms suddenly slid around her waist from behind and Sol froze in surprise until the familiar scent of strawberries invaded her senses.

She knew that familiar warmth all too well.

I thought she left with the others.

Sol quickly slipped off her headphones, hands falling down to grab the other and whirled around to face a grinning Jiwan.

“Hey. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the get-together?” Sol questioned.

Jiwan shrugged halfheartedly. “It’s kind of lame.”

Jiwan tilted her head and Sol felt her hands tighten. “Besides I’d rather be here with you.”

Sol hoped Jiwan didn’t notice how her breath hitched, getting caught in her throat at the other’s words. She thinks she can blame the hue of her cheeks from working if teased or asked. 

“I don’t want to be a bother though, so I’ll just sit here ‘til you’re done.”

You could never be a bother.

“Okay,” Sol nodded her head.

Jiwan skipped over to her own workstation to grab her sketchbook that was laying on the table along with a spare pencil, then sat down on the stool in front Sol.

Sol took off her headphones and placed them down on the table, choosing to fill the silence with quiet music from her unhooked phone, to which Jiwan nodded with.

[‘ When I am with you

Something magical happens

I keep smiling for no reason

Though there is nothing going on

A spell is cast upon me

I could stay up all night without feeling sleepy

All other thoughts go away

And my heart beats louder

Suddenly love feels so easy

So I fall deeper and deeper for you

That’s what you do to me...’]

Sol worked on her piece while Jiwan sketched in her notebook and Sol noticed the glances at her with every other stroke of her pencil.

I wonder what she’s drawing.

Wouldn’t hurt to ask.

“What are you drawing?”

A quick reply. “Stuff.”

“Stuff?” Sol glanced at her, curious.

“Just stuff that I like.” Jiwan’s tone had softened, a slight hesitation could be heard.

An art student’s sketchbook was like a glimpse into their head, to see how all the gears worked and acted as an outlet for their emotions in an attempt to spark a brand new idea for their work of art.

And only from time to time, Jiwan would occasionally show her a couple of her sketches, but never the whole entirety.

Sol hummed. “I want to see, but only if you’re fine with it, of course.”

A pause in which the sound of pencil scratching against paper stopped.

“Maybe another time.”

[‘You are so special

Although not hard at all

You make the stars come out in broad daylight 

With just one sip...’]

Sol stepped back, blowing air out of her mouth at the broken pencil currently held in her hand.

Thankfully she was able to spot another by Jiwan, and walked over.

But then as she approached the girl, she had a teasing idea and a slight smirk resided on her lips.

Sol moved in closer as Jiwan, being startled, looked up at her, eyes wide and cheeks flushed. 

Jiwan only watched, holding her breath, while Sol took one forward, her arms moving along with her to cage the shorter korean in.

She just couldn’t help herself.

Sol slowly leaned in, the gap between the two almost nonexistent.

Jiwan’s eyes softly fluttered shut, her warm breath hitting Sol’s lips. But Sol only hovered, a small smile growing on her face as she took the time to mentally capture the image of how Jiwan looked in that moment.

Looking ethereal.

A couple seconds passed where none of them moved, until Jiwan finally peeked through her lashes wondering why nothing was happening. While Sol leaned back, a pencil in her hand after grabbing it off the table directly behind the other.

A big goofy grin spread across Sol’s face as she teasingly waved it in front of them, enjoying how Jiwan’s face reddened incredibly fast at the realization that Sol had tricked her.

Jiwan childishly stomped her feet, crossing her arms. “You’re such a jerk!”

Sol turned her back to Jiwan, body shaking with silent laughter.

“Oh, but you love this jerk,” she teased.

But she froze once the words left her mouth.

It would seem playful and nothing out of the ordinary, yet from that one word, Sol backtracked.

A huff. 

“Whatever,” Jiwan whined loudly, pouting.

The erratic thumping of her heart started once again, replacing the momentary fear, and Sol smiled.

Jiwan gasped as Sol turned back and pulled her forward by the waist, their fronts colliding and the last thing Jiwan saw was Sol’s cheeky smile before her eyes squeezed shut as Sol kissed her breathless.

Jiwan tasted of a familiar kind of sweetness, one from the same package of gummy bears that Sol would go out of her way and give to her daily.

Jiwan melted into her, moving her lips with fervor that had Sol burning at the touch.

Sol broke away for air and leaned her forehead against Jiwan’s, their lips barely brushing each other.

She didn’t want to part just yet.

Sol felt more than saw the smile that grew on Jiwan’s lips.

And so they stood there in the comfortable silence that enveloped all around them, mere centimeters apart with their eyes locked.

Dark brown on light brown.

“This is the first time you’ve kissed me,” Jiwan spoke quietly.

And Sol knew what she had meant, internally surprised it was her first time initiating.

It was nice, though.

“Really?”

They spoke in hushed whispers as if scared to break the bubble they were in.

Jiwan shyly nodded, her forehead knocking against Sol’s lightly.

“I like it.”

Sol felt warm and she let the smile spread across her face.

Little moments like these really made it feel as though what they had was real.

It made her forget all her troubles regarding them and just go with the flow, with seemingly no care in the world.

Because it was just the two of them together.

They walked arm in arm to Sol’s where they crashed onto the couch and proceeded to binge watch their favorite shows on the television, bowls of snacks placed on the tabletop including the package of gummy bears.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe she just did that,” Jiwan face palmed.

“Wait what?” Sol squinted at the TV.

It was just like how it always was.

And maybe Sol wasn’t really paying attention the whole time, being a bit too busy casting glances at the shorter girl.

Then later on with Jiwan showing Sol her skill of throwing the gummy bears into the air and catching them with her mouth, cheekily turning to her as she chewed on one and challenged the taller to try.

“I told you I couldn’t do it!” Sol groaned as the two of them looked down at the wasted gummy bears laying on the ground.

Meanwhile Jiwan clutched at her sides, laughing at her misfortune.

Sol loved it all.

Later that night with the two of them curled in on the other, Sol’s arms were wrapped around the shorter girl who had her face tucked into Sol’s neck.

It was peaceful and Sol wished that everyday would be like today, even if labels were never established and it would only stay this way.

She was content with the way things were now.

The rhythmic warm puffs of air on her collar coming from Jiwan had Sol drifting off to sleep.

The last thing she remembered was the feathery brush of Jiwan’s lips against her skin as she spoke words that Sol couldn’t hope to catch.

. . .

“Where are you going?”

Jiwan pursed her lips, hesitant in her answer. “A date.”

The two girls had been hanging out at Sol’s like last time, when Jiwan had abruptly looked over at her phone as if she had just realized she had forgotten something. Jiwan had gotten up from when she had rested on the couch, legs sprawled over Sol’s and said she needed to go, smoothing her outfit in the process.

Turns out this was that.

Sol felt something in her break.

“Oh.”

Sol forced herself to smile, trying to act cheerful for her best friend when all she felt like doing was dying.

It had happened out of the blue, being so sudden, breaking the little illusion of whatever they had in that moment.

“Where are you guys going for the date?”

Jiwan avoided her eyes for some reason, staring at her shoes.

“We’re just going to watch a film, down by the cinema, you know?”

Sol imagined the guy being all close to her, their hands possibly brushing up against each other in the dimly lit theater, and fought the urge to puke.

The atmosphere was awkward and Jiwan was acting weird, with her shuffling her feet and glancing over at Sol. 

Sol didn’t understand.

So she did the only logical thing, to nod in silence. 

“I hope you have a nice time.”

The selfish part of Sol wanted it to go horribly for Jiwan to come back to her and into her arms.

But that was messed up for her to wish for.

Sol saw something that looked like disappointment flash across Jiwan’s face for a split second and she furrowed her brows in confusion.

Choosing not to say anything, Sol got up with Jiwan and they both slowly walked over to her door.

Jiwan grabbed the handle with her body still turned to Sol.

Jiwan bit her lip. “I- I’m going to go now.”

I could say something to stop her.

“Okay.”

Jiwan gazed up at her as if she wanted to say something, but the moment was gone once Jiwan moved to open the door.

One last glimpse of the shorter girl before she disappeared and went away from her.

Sol dragged her feet to her room and dropped onto her back on her bed, her arms and legs spread out.

Since it was a movie date, Sol figured it’d take about two hours and laid there, she did. 

She laid there in the quiet room, glancing over at the clock every once in a while, watching as the time clicked by excruciatingly slow. 

Tick tick tick.

She couldn’t even will herself to sleep, when her body was physically waiting for Jiwan. 

Two hours and Sol was in the same position since she had flopped back.

Her fingers twitched and she had the urge to move her legs, to go somewhere.

She couldn’t delude herself though, knowing exactly where her body wanted to go.

But what was she going to do?

Run to where Jiwan was and confess, hoping that she felt the same?

That was stupid.

And yet, she had already grabbed her stuff and was ready at the door to leave.

Soon finding herself desperately running out and getting into a cab, quickly instructing the driver to go to where the date was being held at the cinema.

Sol looked down at her phone before turning her attention to the passing scenery outside, watching as cars zoomed by them and noticed how the lights flickered and altered.

They soon reached the location and the cab pulled to a stop by the side. Sol hurriedly got out, paying the driver, and made her way to the front of the theater.

Her heart thumped in time with her footsteps, being loud and rapid.

Her mind raced with thoughts of what she was going to say when she saw Jiwan, but she couldn’t find the right words.

Sol was so close and a strange feeling of exhilaration filled her as she turned around the corner, hoping for a glimpse of the shorter girl.

Then she froze in her tracks, her whole expression falling at the scene she witnessed.

Because right there was Jiwan and the guy she had gone with kissing, his hands wrapped around her hips while her own hands were placed against his chest.

The image burned in Sol’s mind, and she screwed her eyes shut as she whirled away from the sight.

It was only a second, but a second was already enough for her. 

I’m such a fool.

The prick of oncoming tears was felt and she took a deep breath, blinking rapidly.

I need to leave.

No matter how heavy her body felt, she forced herself to move her legs and get away.

She clicked her phone off, Jiwan’s contact name on the screen disappearing and turning black.

She needed a drink.

(But what Sol hadn’t seen was the way Jiwan’s brows were furrowed as she hurriedly pushed herself away and wiped her lips with the sleeve of her shirt. 

Or the way she had turned her head downward with the strangest expression on her face.

As if she longed for someone else instead.)

And that’s how Sol found herself sitting all alone in the establishment, a couple bottles of soju resting on her table with a single shot glass.

Something ugly was bubbling inside her.

Sol had desperately stumbled in through the doorway, tears welling up in her eyes, almost spilling over to expose all her heartbroken emotions. 

Everything was fuzzy for Sol now, the luminescent lights shining all around her almost blindingly. She blinked, trying to get everything in focus to no avail. 

Her phone buzzed beside all the bottles, vibrating the table and catching her attention.

The screen of her phone lit up with a single new message from Nabi.

‘Where are you?’

Strange that the girl was asking for Sol, but she hazily typed out a message anyways.

She didn’t really care anymore.

‘Drinking.’

She flipped her phone over, the backside facing upward instead so she wouldn’t have to be bothered anymore.

Sol grabbed the glass in front of her and downed the whole shot in one swing.

All Sol wanted to do was get wasted, to forget everything she had seen and distract herself with something else, anything else.

And as if her prayers to distract herself were heard, it came in the form of a guy sidling up next to her, a charming smile on his face.

Sol didn’t bother sparing him a glance, only focusing on her drink and tried not to let her thoughts wander back to that single image of Jiwan kissing someone else.

Her head was throbbing in pain and this annoying guy wouldn’t leave her alone, wouldn’t stop pestering for her number.

She doesn’t know how long she had been drinking for, only knowing that the consequences would hit her hard later in the morning after she finished drinking away her sorrows.

It was now pitch black outside, the sky dark and gloomy. 

How many drinks would it take to forget?

How many to turn back time to that first kiss shared between the two of them?

Maybe if nothing had happened in the first place, it wouldn’t hurt as much for Sol. 

She would never question their relationship and just accept herself as being the best friend. 

Nothing more, nothing less.

She clenched her fist, biting her lip.

Then the door jingled open, signaling someone walking in. 

And somehow, somehow , Sol knew .

She turned her head toward the sound as if drawn by the presence to lock eyes with light brown.

You can’t do this to me.

Sol was at her breaking point and now why the hell was Jiwan standing right there?

Sol let that ugliness grow in her and acted impulsively right then. And so she did something incredibly stupid.

Sol turned and grabbed the guy sitting next to her by the neck and pulled him closer to her, much to his surprise but not complaint. 

Sol knew Jiwan could see everything, being only a couple steps away from the two at the table. 

She wanted to make Jiwan feel the same way she felt. 

Sol slowly leaned in closer, refusing to glance over at Jiwan.

She heard a breath hitch.

“Sol.”

Sol felt her wrist suddenly be grabbed by a hand and let herself be pulled away from the boy she had just been about to kiss.

To be dragged outside by the dimly lit street lamp where no one could be seen hanging around.

Sol bit her lip as she let it happen, feeling a swirl of emotions build up.

Jiwan finally stopped and spun around with a twisted expression, her eyes furious.

Jiwan snapped at her. “What are you doing?”

Are we really doing this?

“What does it look like to you?” Sol shot back.

Kissing someone that’s not you?

A flash of anguish took over Jiwan’s face before being replaced by anger.

Sol cut in, not letting Jiwan talk because she knew once she did, she would forget everything and leave it. 

And that couldn’t happen now. Not this time.

“I just want to understand why you care?”

Sol didn’t realize Jiwan had been holding her hand until the grip disappeared.

“I- ” Jiwan grit her teeth together in frustration. “I don’t.”

Sol threw her hands up. “Then why? Why did you just pull me away?”

Why did you pull me to yourself?

Jiwan kept mum, her light brown eyes swirling with something unrecognizable.

Sol fought back the urge to scream at the lack of response.

It was getting to be too much for her to handle.

“It doesn’t make sense why you can go and kiss other people, but I can’t,” Sol narrowed her eyes, the anger and annoyance rushing through her body and taking over.

“I don’t care who you kiss.”

Lies lies lies.

“I don’t care who you date.”

Lies lies lies lies lies.

“I don’t care what you do.”

What a horrible liar.

Sol’s chest heaved, heavy with the weight of her fake words.

“So why?” Her voice cracked.

Nothing made sense anymore.

And it only worsened as Jiwan grabbed a handful of Sol’s shirt, forcefully yanking her down to her lips.

Sol could feel, could taste , the desperation that the shorter girl poured into the kiss. 

But for what, Sol didn’t understand.

And so Sol immediately pushed Jiwan away, seeing how light brown eyes flashed with hurt at the action. 

Why are you hurting, Jiwan?

“Please, don’t,” Sol pleaded, her voice wavering. 

Everything really had blown up.

Jiwan’s eyes widened at the pure pain in Sol’s voice and she took a shaky step back. 

Now Sol was left to pick up the pieces after all the destruction. 

“We need to stop whatever this is.” 

Before there was nothing left to salvage.

“I just can’t anymore, Jiwan.”

She took a step backward, her expression all twisted up.

Forcing herself to back up again, she ducked her head down and turned away.

And she walked away.

“Sol,” Jiwan called out to her.

Don’t do it.

But Sol didn’t look back, despite how hard it was, only continuing in her steps.

Each step bringing her farther away from Seo Jiwan and all she was.

Continuing on even if it felt like her heart was being wrenched out of her chest.

. . .

32 missed phone calls from Jiwan.

8 unopened voicemails.

17 unread text messages.

Sol clicked her phone off and tossed it far away on her bed from where searching hands could reach out for.

It’d been over a week since they’d last seen one another.

And her heart deeply ached for Jiwan.

For over a week, Jiwan continuously called and messaged her.

Trying to reach out.

And Sol didn’t know if she could keep avoiding Jiwan like this.

The days were grueling, passing by with the slowest pace that had Sol in agony. They consisted of her doing absolutely nothing the whole time, just staring up at her ceiling and rethinking every decision she had made up until now.

Her life was nothing with Seo Jiwan in it. 

And it was all too clear to her with her now looking like a horrid mess, unchanged clothes and mussed up hair that she couldn’t be bothered with.

She felt like a zombie, barely managing to get through the days and the hardest times were at night, when her mind couldn’t help but be dragged but to her .

To long for her.

It wasn’t even sadness that Sol necessarily felt, but frustration.

To have her thoughts always wander to Jiwan, especially late at night when it’s all she could think about no matter how hard she tried not to.

It made her bite her lip and furrow her brows as that familiar heavy tension weighed down onto her chest.

Sol hated how she felt. Yet, she just can’t let go of them.

She’d be going about her day normally when she was suddenly hit with thoughts of her. It hit hard specifically when the music reached her ears. And why oh why were they typically sad songs?

How long she wondered, how long would she continue to feel this way? Would it only get stronger as the days and weeks passed by?

Sol didn’t think she could survive if so.

The familiar ringing sound of her phone filled the room and Sol groaned as she moved to grab and see who it was. 

The noise was set as her default ringer and so she knew it wasn’t Jiwan’s.

Instead it was Nabi.

Sol let her eyes drift back to her ceiling, absentmindedly staring up at it as her finger swiped to answer the call.

“Hello?” Her hoarse voice asked.

“Sol,” a deep sigh. “Where are you?”

“Home.”

“Are you okay?”

I had my heart ripped out and stomped all over, now I’m left with nothing.

“Yeah.”

Nabi cut straight to the point, making Sol grimace, though it was expected.

“What happened between you two?”

“Nothing.”

Sol knew Nabi didn’t believe her.

A rustle from the other side of the call. “Jiwan is a mess.”

And just like that, the fake walls she built around herself came down.

Sol’s hand shook as she gripped the phone tighter, biting her lip at the image of a tear-stricken Jiwan constantly checking her messages for any sort of word from Sol.

“You guys need to get your shit together. Stop hurting each other and mend things.”

But was there anything left to mend?

A sigh. “You don’t need to do it now, just think about it.”

A pause before a beep, signifying Nabi had hung up.

Sol took a breath.

In and out.

She couldn’t stay holed up in her apartment forever, as much as she wished she could. She’d have to face everything sooner or later.

So, with a trembling hand, she lifted her phone and began to look at everything Jiwan had left for her.

Sol scrolled through all her missed calls, just the sight of how many she had ignored hurt.

She hesitantly pressed on her messages and read every single one, all the apologies and explanations of what really happened that night with Jiwan, how the guy had kissed her and she had immediately pushed him away. 

Read how Jiwan texted her to call back or at least answer her calls.

The last message sent something in her chest rattling violently.

‘I miss you.’

But the worst had to be the voicemails, where Sol could hear Jiwan’s voice after being deprived of it for over a week. And the pure anguish in the girl’s voice as she spoke twisted Sol’s heart up. 

Half of them consisted of a sobbing Jiwan begging for Sol to talk to her.

“Please, Sol,” Jiwan cried in the message. “Pick up, please. Talk to me. I can’t do this...”

Beep .

But she couldn’t bring herself to reach out, to answer any of Jiwan’s messages or calls and left them for a couple more days, where she was found laying on her bed as usual.

And then Sol heard a noise.

Light knocks sounded.

That nameless tune against her door.

And suddenly, Sol was scrambling to her feet and running over, but halfway to the door, she slowed down as she realized what she was doing.

Am I just going to give in? 

Like always? 

Would anything change?

Sol quietly walked over to the door.

Sol’s phone started to ring in her hand and she could imagine Jiwan standing there, phone against her ear as she stared forward. 

Sol knew Jiwan could hear the ringing phone.

But she didn’t make a move to glance down at it nor think of answering it.

She only stood in front of her door, letting the tune play out until it finally stopped and silence filled the atmosphere again.

She just couldn’t bring herself to do it.

A dull thud as Sol guessed Jiwan hit her head against the door and she pursed her lips at the assumption.

“Goddamn it,” a whisper that Sol was barely able to make out. 

Jiwan rarely cursed, always being a ball of sunshine and yet here she was.

I did this.

“Fuck.”

Sol silently shuffled forward and leaned on the door, standing there with her head pressed against the cool metal. Her eyes clenched shut as she took a shaky breath.

A weak, wet laugh sounded from the other side.

“I’m so stupid.”

Please don’t.

Sol swallowed thickly and she bit her lip, hard. She couldn’t take Jiwan, of all people, insulting herself. 

Especially not when it was all Sol’s fault.

If only she hadn’t given in so easily.

If only she hadn’t let things continue despite her hurting heart.

If only she didn’t have these feelings for her best friend.

“Sol.”

Did Jiwan know Sol was standing right there? 

The two of them only being separated by a single door.

“Sol, please open the door.”

She screwed her eyes shut, silently counting.

One .

She wanted to see Jiwan again, with her own eyes in front of her and her heart already raced at the mere thought.

Two .

Her body missed the feel of Jiwan’s figure curled in on her, missed the way her arms looped around her.

Three .

Sol could practically smell the light scent of strawberries, the one that Jiwan somehow always had and would often taste of with her strawberry lip gloss.

Four .

To see the corners of the shorter girl’s lips tug upward in a smile caused by her.

Five .

Sol ached for Jiwan.

Six.

They’d known each other for so long, since middle school, which was unbelievable. They’d been through many hardships and little petty fights, yet their friendship remained strong.

Sol couldn’t just let their bond end like this.

Seven .

If she opened the door right now, things could be fixed if they tried.

Eight .

Sol reached for the door handle.

Nine .

Sol’s hand itched to turn it already knowing Jiwan was right there, slowly moving her hand.

Ten.

The slight turn of the handle and a quiet click.

One pull and the door creaked as it opened to show the girl waiting on the other side.

The shocked girl who probably thought she was never going to open her door for her ever again.

But she could never do that.

Sol watched as Jiwan’s eyes darted to her as if checking how she was.

No words were exchanged in that short little moment.

Sol only raised her arms up, inviting Jiwan to her and the girl took it, though hesitantly.

Sol could feel trembling arms slowly wrap themselves around her.

The familiarity of it had a lump settling in Sol’s throat, relaxing in Jiwan’s arms with a weight in her chest.

When they parted, Jiwan immediately spoke.

“I’m sorry,” Jiwan’s voice raw with unshed tears. “I’m so sorry.”

Sol opened her mouth in retort, but was cut off and that’s when it felt like everything she knew flipped.

“It’s my fault for falling for you like this.”

Sol couldn’t breath in that moment, barely managing to choke out a, “What?”

Jiwan raised her gaze to meet Sol’s, clear fear filled to the brim to the normally bright orbs.

“Sol, I like you.”

Jiwan ran a hand through her hair, messing it up as she let out a fake laugh.

“It’s a wonder how you never found out when I was so obvious after all these years.”

Blood was rushing in Sol’s ears and her body was numb.

“I was drunk that night and couldn’t stop myself from kissing you, because I just felt so desperate for you to like me back,” Jiwan’s voice audibly shook.

“And then it happened again and again and again, all because I was so dumb and took advantage of you under the guise that I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“I was just so selfish.”

Jiwan tilted her head upward, clenching her teeth. “But just give me some time, I- I’ll forget these feelings if that’s what it’ll take to get us back to normal.”

“Just pl-“

Sol swiftly cupped Jiwan’s face before pulling her closer, swallowing the girl’s broken pleas.

She couldn’t think.

She could only do this for now.

Jiwan’s hands were white with the force in which she gripped the hem of Sol’s shirt.

As if she were scared that it was just a fever dream. To wake up and realize that nothing was real.

As if she were scared that it would be their last.

A goodbye.

But that wasn’t it, as Sol deepened the kiss, tilting her head further, thumb swiping against the soft skin of Jiwan’s cheek.

Don’t cry anymore. 

Sol pulled away, her whole being burning once again, taking a sharp intake of breath before Jiwan desperately chased after her lips to close the gap once again, meeting her in the middle.

I’m sorry for making you feel this way.

It’s funny how all the problems seemed to arise the moment they had kissed for the first time.

And now, a kiss might just be ending all their sorrows.

Sol pulled away, her hands still holding Jiwan’s face to make sure she caught her next words.

“Jiwan,” Sol gazed into the light brown eyes staring back at her. 

“I like you.”

She watched as eyes widened slightly and lips quivered.

Felt the way in which Jiwan’s fists were grasping her shirt.

“No, you don’t.” The obvious doubt crushed her heart.

To rid of it and assure her.

“Yes,” Sol gave her the gentlest smile. “I do.”

Jiwan let out a strangled sob, and Sol let go of the girl’s face as she instead opted to pull the girl into a hug.

Sol rubbed the shorter’s back soothingly with every shake and hiccup that came from her. 

She didn’t know how they had stood there for, just until Jiwan finally pulled away with puffy eyes and looked at her.

“You like me back .” Stated matter-of-factly with a hint of wonder.

Sol nodded her head, a small smile residing on her lips. “Would you like me to shout it for everyone to hear if you’re still unsure?”

That got a giggle from Jiwan and Sol felt like she had won a great prize seeing that familiar brightness peek out again. 

But in a way, she kinda did.

“Want to watch a movie?”

To get all that hectic stress out and replace the atmosphere more fitting for the two of them.

Jiwan walked over to the couch and flopped back on it, curling into the spare blanket and blinking up at her expectantly.

“Wait here for a second,” Sol said before dashing to her room where she knew she had kept something special.

Sol went into her room, and looked around for a bit before she spotted the item on her desk.

When the taller girl came back and Jiwan saw what she was holding, a wide smile broke out.

Jiwan held her hand out. “We can share.”

Sol grabbed the hand, interlacing their fingers, and plopped onto the couch, right next to Jiwan with their sides pressed and legs practically on top of each other and threw the rest of the blanket over them.

Jiwan leaned against her as Sol clicked some movie to begin and opened the package in her hand before offering it over.

And so they sat together under a cozy shared blanket on the couch as they watched a random movie, a single package of gummy bears between the two of them.