Chapter Text
My gown is heavy but my head is light as I make my way to the altar. I repeat the words given to me, I feel him slip a ring over my gloved finger. I would much prefer we removed the glove, and that I could feel the ring on my hand directly. I can feel the warmth of his palm.
I want to embrace him or dance with him carefreely as I did when he was only Count Ryszard.
At dinner that evening, the din of chatter drowns me in a sea of uneasiness. I stare at him from across the table, my vision closes off in a tunnel as I focus only on him. Franz…..my Franz…….
I swallow a lump in my throat as I imagine Nene swallowing her tears. I have done nothing wrong, I tell myself. It wouldn’t be fair to Nene for her to marry someone who did not return her love.
Unlike any other woman in the room, or in the world, my attraction to Franz had nothing to do with his status as the emperor. And that, perhaps above all else, is why he chose me.
But that was 1854. I was fifteen. He was twenty-three. At that time he still loved me, and I believed I would always be by his side.
God, why does it still hurt so! I haven’t seen him now since 1868. Even after all this time, hot tears sting my eyes, as I wish I could forget where and when I am. I wish I could forget who I am. Pretend to be someone else…….. I hold my breath and count, squeezing my eyes shut in denial as I clutch the blankets up to my neck.
I awake to the sound of a soft cry in the next room. I stand quickly to check my dearest, my child……..I stumble and fall.
“Valerie! Momma is here!” I reach out my hand to the end table and attempt to brace myself against the dizziness.
Ida is beside me in an instant as she lights the kerosene lamp by the night stand, she checks me, and then takes the lamp into Valerie’s room.
“Auntie Ida!” Valerie clings to her ‘auntie’s’ neck and wraps her legs around her waist.
“Thank you, Ida,” I say as she brings her to me.
“I’m not sure whose nightmares are worse, yours or the child’s,” Ida scolds. “No wonder I never get any sleep around here.”
“Let me sit with her for a bit; you can go back to sleep,” I reach out my arms to take dear Valerie. She plays with a lock of my curly hair and tucks it up to her little toddler nose as she sucks her thumb and leans her head against my shoulder.
We are in Hungary, staying in a lodging recommended by Count Andrassy Gyula. We might as well be exiles.
Ida still stands in between the bed and the doorway, refusing to leave even though I had given her dismissal.
Ida has never been one to need permission though.
I sit down in a chair and rock the baby, my baby, singing softly until she falls back to sleep.
In truth, she is no longer an infant. She walks, runs, talks…speaks her mind…..and she is the only one of my children not held hostage at court by their grandmother Empress Sophie. A pang of guilt stabs my heart and the tears threaten to resume.
I am not there for Gisela and Rudolph. Would they even know me now?
Shortly after Franz and I married, we were blessed with a beautiful little girl. She was my first child, my angel, my world. I never thought that I could love anyone so much. She was named Sophie after her grandmother, as a peace offering between us.
Perhaps too soon, I was expecting again, and Gisela was born.
Both of my dear little girls became deathly sick while we were on an ambassadorial tour in Hungary.
Gisela lived, but Sophie…..my little Sophie…………
I nuzzle my nose into Valerie’s hair, and remember how it felt to hold my first daughter, the way I hold her now. I close my eyes, breathing in the soft scent of the perfume and shampoo we used on her hair. She smells like rosemary and a hint of lavender.
I blamed myself. I should not have insisted on taking the girls on such a demanding journey so early. I was determined to be a part of the great work, the great reconciliation between Austria and Hungary. And the price I paid, was dear little Sophie…….
If I blamed myself, Empress Sophie did also. If she had given me little freedom with the children before, they were practically ripped away from me after that.
Franz included me less and less in his work. He went to a play with me, but thought Shakespeare was foolish.
Before we knew it, four years had gone by since I had hiked along the lake or the mountain trails with him. I was not allowed to ride in all that time, as I was continuously pregnant……..
Two girls were not was desired, so it seemed I had to be constantly pregnant until I produced the male heir…..Rudolph.
I felt there was little left of me to give him physically or emotionally.
Court had been beyond cruel to me……being constantly pregnant, I was constantly chided about my weight……Weighing too little during pregnancy, a miscarriage would be my fault……weighing too much, well I would never lose that weight……..
I survived on broth. Nurse maids were brought for my children. I could not even hold them. From the earliest age, Rudolph was schooled by harsh military tutors.
Perhaps Franz now considered that he had made a mistake in asking me to be his empress…..to be his wife……
Since he no longer included me in political discussions, I did what I could by visiting local hospitals and encouraging benefactors to donate to worthy charities.
Ida…..my most faithful Ida, has been ever at my side. When I became sick, and my lungs could not clear the pneumonia, there were even vicious rumors that I was only pretending to be sick so that I could get attention or be free to leave the palace.
The doctor stated that my condition was so frail, I must go to a different climate. However, it wasn’t the climate that was making me sick……I had always been a hearty person and enjoyed spending time outdoors. It was the stifling atmosphere of being cooped up inside with all of those critical people that was strangling me!
And so, Ida and I went to Hungary. I continued to be a correspondent, or intermediary between Franz and Andrassy Gyula.
In fact, the last time that I had seen Franz, I had concerns I wished to bring before him on behalf of the Hungarian people, and he would not meet me in his study. He would meet with me, only in the bedchamber it would seem, and so it was that little Valerie was born of an argument.
Her breathing relaxed into gentle little snores. I looked over to Ida, who was patiently waiting. She received her from my arms and gently laid her back into her own bed; little Valerie scarcely stirred during the transition.
Now Ida would come chat with me.
“Did you have another nightmare?” She asked, even if she seemed to belittle me with her tone, I knew she wasn’t mocking, but was genuinely concerned. Ida was always coarse in the way she showed her affections.
“Not like the last one, just a memory…..” I sighed, thinking about my failed marriage to Franz.
“You are ever having visions of wars in the future, now why dig up the past? Aren’t you happy here with me and little Valerie?”
Ida is right. I’m starting to put on a normal weight again. I can breathe here…..but I miss Possenhoffen.
“Do you think they’ll let me go home?” I ask Ida, as though I myself am a child pleading for permission.
“Hiraeth……” Ida scoffs. “Even if you went back to Posse you won’t recapture the carefree days of your youth. You long for a home that no longer exists, dear…..” She pats my shoulder softly. “Trust me, I know………” Ida’s hometown is not the same for her anymore either.
“The only home that matters now is the one that we have built here, together……” she kneels down so that she is at my eye level where I am seated.
I clutch at my neck subconsciously. I have had nightmares that the panic of 1873 was actually the French Revolution, and I, a different Queen from Schönbrunn was ripped from Versailles and executed at the guillotine. Other times I have dreams where I hear sirens and wails I do not understand, as though a greater and more terrible war is coming…….That Karl’s son, little Franz is dead……that my son, my Rudolph is dead because I wasn’t there to help him…….
I can’t tell if these visions from the past are truly my past lives, or if the visions of the future disasters can be averted. When I tried once before to tell Franz, he thought I was going mad, the pressure of court life and the tragedy of losing little Sophie was causing my frail mental constitution to slip. But I am not that frail. I know what is coming. I recognize the signs and portents. I feel it in my bones…..no, in my soul…..
“I cannot hide here any longer, Ida,” I take her hand gently in mine.
“I have to go back……even if just for a time…..who knows? Perhaps they will allow me to take Gisela and Rudolph for a visit to Posse?”
“You know that is not likely……” Ida clucks her tongue disapprovingly, her eyes wistful as she grasps at mental straws, trying to think of how to help me. “Maybe we should visit Nene? She might be able to help you where I cannot.” This is hard for Ida to admit. Ida is as dear to me as my sister Nene.
Nene has now long since forgiven me. She had married Maximillian, Prince of Thurn and Taxis….and after all…..for love. I had convinced Franz to allow the marriage, as he was of lower birth than her, but goodness, what did that matter? She was happy! And he loved her too…….it was so unfair that he was taken so soon…..tuberculosis……..
At least all of Nene’s four children lived with her, and she was trusted to run her late husband’s business.
Thinking of this, I agree with Ida. “Yes, if they won’t let me visit my parents in Posse, let’s at least go to see Nene……Home after all, is people, and not a place……”
Ida helps me back to my bed. Even if I’m gaining weight, I’m still a little weak. Too weak to go back to court. But I’ll regain my strength. I must rally myself to confront him………..The only one I love so much, now terrifies me, as only he can wound me so deeply. I do not care what his mother says, or the opinions of anyone at court……but Franz…… Franz has become a closed door to me. Why had he come to despise me so? Was he truly ashamed of me? Did he too blame me for little Sophie’s death?
I acquiesce to Ida’s compromise for now. I realize, however, that I must confront him if I am ever to be my right self again. I long to travel, but in all my travels, there will never be fulfillment or peace unless I can understand what happened between us.