Archive of Our Own ^beta

joshua. 🙁
jeonghan blew me off
do you want to get some dinner?

wow
i value your friendship and time, too

yes, you're my second favorite
thought we all knew that.

i want to be offended but i can't blame you

pleeeeease
i'm hungry and don't want to go out alone
i'll pay.

i'll be at your place in ten

the restaurant they agree upon is one of two in the college town that are open all night. it's excellent for breakfast food at three in the morning during all-nighters, or dealing with a hangover before a class.

seungcheol has been countless times with jeonghan. they keep coloring books and crayons around to entertain the drunk college kids and jeonghan doesn't even have to ask for them anymore, everyone recognizes him and they just know. he spends as much time looking through pages colored by others as he does coloring himself — leaves little compliments in the margins, in case anyone looks back at their own work, he claims.

seungcheol was so speechless on their first few visits that he couldn't make a joke about it, and while they've been friends for so long that he definitely could at this point, he leaves it alone. jeonghan enjoys it and that's all that matters. he gets very focused. it's cute. his hair will fall over his forehead and seungcheol will move it and he'll hum or look up or do nothing at all because nothing in the world will stop him from making his page's flower petals three different colors.

he's twenty-five years old.

seungcheol might want to kiss him, sometimes, when he finishes and shows off his artwork.

it doesn't matter. he can't. it's not worth the risk.

joshua shows up exactly when he said he would, strolling up to where seungcheol is waiting outside. "so he didn't tell you what he was doing on such short notice?" he asks in lieu of any sort of greeting, not even stopping, just knowing that seungcheol will join him as he passes.

seungcheol does, shoving his hands into his pockets. "nope."

"he tells you everything."

"yep."

"weird."

"yeah."

"i'm sure it's not a big deal," he says after a brief pause.

"probably not. how's soonyoung?"

joshua launches into a story about a dinner they had a few days ago and his boyfriend's new colleague furthering his tiger delusions. seungcheol tries to pay attention, but he's worried about jeonghan. was there an emergency? is his family okay? he cancels plans sometimes, it's not a big deal, but he always tells seungcheol why.

"so yeah, there's, like, way more horanghae'ing than usual. but myungho is really nice. soonyoung thinks he has a crush on the theatre teacher. he's probably going to try to set them up."

"soonyoung being soonyoung."

joshua snorts. lovingly, if possible. "yeah, basically," he says, pulling the diner door open.

it takes approximately two seconds for seungcheol to spot jeonghan.

hear jeonghan, more specifically, because his back is to him, but he'd recognize the laugh anywhere, even in a crowd of thousands.

not just jeonghan, but jeonghan with someone he's never seen before. and it's not like he isn't allowed to have other friends, because obviously he is, but he's very animated and the guy he's with is very giggly and why didn't jeonghan just tell him. the only explanation he can come up with is that it's more than a friend.

"hey, cheol, what do you—" joshua cuts himself off when he turns and sees what seungcheol does. "hey, let's just go get something to take back to your place," he says instead, clapping him on the shoulder. it's half a question.

"yeah, sure."

any word from the boyfriend?
mingyu is being obnoxious about wanting to meet you

not my boyfriend

any word from the guy you want to be your boyfriend?
mingyu is being obnoxious about wanting to meet you

he's been busy, apparently.
you know mingyu could meet me without seungcheol

yeah, but then you're not forced to deal with your shit
where's the fun in that?

you're an asshole

you know i'm right
you wouldn't have talked about him when we met up otherwise
but do whatever you want 🙃

go get fucked or something

always so nice talking to you.
keep me updated 😘

 
 
jihoon is annoying.

it's not that jeonghan only talked about him because he has feelings for him or whatever. more that seungcheol is so entangled with everything else in his life that it's difficult to not talk about him, especially when catching up with a friend you haven't seen in three years when they show up in town.

hey, you free?
was going to go to the diner

seungcheol?

okay, well.
if you want to hang out, i'll be there for a while.

 
 
jeonghan sighs but tosses his jacket on and slips into his shoes.

he's barely heard from seungcheol in a week. short answers and a supposed paper and extra work. he suspects that's not the whole story, but this isn't a novel situation for them. he'll come to him when he's ready. the most jeonghan can do, short of ambushing him — an option that's becoming more tempting by the day — is make sure he knows he's available.

 
 
seungcheol met jeonghan in undergrad. he was fucking around on a basketball court with some friends and a stray ball nearly hit seungcheol in the face when he was passing by — would've if he hadn't caught it.

"might want to keep better track of your ball."

"do you need me to point out why you should regret how you said that, or should i just give it a second to sink in?"

seungcheol sent the ball through the hoop instead. if jeonghan was surprised, he didn't show it. he grabbed seungcheol's arm and tried to drag him onto the court. he was headed to the library and had to take a rain check.

and the rest, as they say, is history.

a very boring history, honestly. the rain check turned into studying over takeout on jeonghan's living room floor. the studying turned into jeonghan forcing him to buy girl scout cookies from a much younger cousin or something — not important, because he then ate most of them himself. but it turned into talking about life in general. they stuck together into grad school, after learning they were both on education-related tracks. became kind of inseparable, somewhere along the way.

jeonghan gets him. he understands when he's having a bad day — almost senses it, seungcheol thinks sometimes — where everything gets to be too overwhelming, and will just be there to take some of the pressure off. he likes to think he gets jeonghan, too. he has his own days where he's exhausted or stressed or both, and he won't say it, but he sends short replies when seungcheol texts him or doesn't jokingly antagonize him as much as usual. he'll show up at jeonghan's place with a pizza and beer, or drag him somewhere for coffee, and it doesn't magically turn his mood around but he does get him a smile or two which is better than nothing.

and yeah, maybe he cherishes those smiles. so what.

anyway, seungcheol is avoiding him. he can't deal with hearing about his date.

 
 
jeonghan met seungcheol in undergrad. he was walking by the basketball court, paying absolutely zero attention to jeonghan's game, at least until he caught a ball that jeonghan missed because he was busy staring.

he had approached, trying to be very indifferent about the guy's scowl being one of the cutest things ever, and gotten what he probably thought was one hell of a biting comment but was, again, one of the cutest things ever.

"might want to keep better track of your ball."

"do you need me to point out why you should regret how you said that, or should i just give it a second to sink in?"

seungcheol sent the ball through the hoop instead of replying, and jeonghan knew he needed the guy in his life.

as hot as he was then, jeonghan learned pretty quickly that his sharp angles were the result of stress and generally not taking care of himself and made it his mission to ensure he did better. he's been very proud of himself for the last few years, when he catches seungcheol out of the corner of his eye. he's filled out and packed on some muscle and jeonghan regularly tells him he looks great because he gets worried about it — and because he does. really, really great. his cheeks are very pinchable and his lap is nice to sprawl on and sometimes he'll put an arm around jeonghan or cling to his back and it's like a weighted blanket. it's so easy to fall asleep with him.

and other times, he'll barely touch jeonghan at all, because they've known each other for so long that seungcheol recognizes when he's exhausted or stressed or somewhere in between and doesn't want to be. he'll bring jeonghan food, or drag him to the diner and finesse whatever is bothering him out of his head over a coloring book and shared fries. he always ends up feeling a little better, especially once seungcheol makes an awful joke and jeonghan tells him, with an amused eye roll, never to repeat it in his presence.

and yet seungcheol still hasn't figured out jeonghan is kind of in love with him, or if he has, he hasn't done anything about it.

anyway, it's been over a week since he's seen him. they never go this long without seeing each other unless seungcheol goes home. it's the worst.

 
 
"you know i love you, but you need to talk to him."

seungcheol has been combing through research studies for hours. joshua brought coffee and — as per usual — unsolicited advice.

"i really don't," seungcheol argues. petulantly. he misses jeonghan, yes, but at least like this he can pretend he's not dating someone or something, until he's ready to deal. out of sight, out of mind. in theory. in practice, it never works, and the time he's spent avoiding his best friend is no exception. he can't stop thinking about him. it's a vicious circle. but he's still not going to be the one to bring it up.

"yes, you do," joshua pushes. "you don't even know who he was with. has it occurred to you that it could've just been a friend?"

"one he wouldn't tell me about?"

"yes."

seungcheol changes the subject. "i'm really busy, but you saved me with the coffee. thanks."

joshua glares at him. he's scary when he wants to be. usually when he thinks seungcheol is being stubborn and self-sabotaging, or if his apartment hasn't been dusted in the past month — which it hasn't. and maybe he's being stubborn and self-sabotaging, too.

"please don't make me get in touch with seungkwan. just talk to him. you have enough to worry about without adding something unnecessary to the pile. this is, like, beyond unnecessary."

seungcheol hates that he's right. "yeah," he sighs.

joshua grabs the door handle behind him. "i'm here if you need me. if it doesn't go well or whatever."

"yeah, thanks," seungcheol replies, nodding.

mingyu brought up an interesting idea.
is it possible your not-boyfriend is upset you canceled on him?

upset enough to avoid me for this long?

yes.

… maybe, actually.
god, he sucks so much.

mingyu says you're welcome.
 
 
jeonghan stares at his messages for a minute. he types and deletes a few to seungcheol before tossing his phone on the cushion next to him and groaning.

he sits there for a minute before deciding on a course of action. he grabs his things and leaves.

in retrospect, jeonghan has made some mistakes, true. stupid ones even. he's not sure why he didn't say anything more specific when he canceled on short notice other than he honestly didn't think it would be a big deal.

apparently it was. maybe. but that doesn't negate the fact that seungcheol is being a child. and one has to wonder why he loves the big baby at all. ignoring him is high-school-level behavior. it's infuriating. it's been almost two weeks. they're in grad school.

which is all to say: he has no choice but to break into his place. truly.

and that's only if using the spare key he keeps under a fake dog next to his door is breaking in. anyone could do it, at that point, without technically breaking a damn thing. it's a very obvious place to keep a spare key. jeonghan has told him it's stupid to have it about a thousand times — you know, out of concern that his best friend might be murdered. or, more logically, get his shit stolen. and yet he knows it's still there.

as far as he's concerned, he's not going to be doing anything wrong.

the rain outside is unexpected, but going back inside for an umbrella seems like a lot of effort when seungcheol has plenty of clothes to borrow, so he doesn't bother.

 
 
seungcheol gets home late from the library — with takeout and very wet shoes on account of the rain outside — and nearly has a heart attack because there's someone in his apartment. at least until he very quickly realizes the mop of brown hair on his sofa belongs to a sleeping jeonghan and the sense of panic is replaced with annoyance.

he drops his bag more haphazardly than he would if he were alone. jeonghan isn't a very heavy sleeper and stirs, as expected.

"what are you doing here?" seungcheol asks as his intruder pulls himself into an upright position, then nearly chokes. jesus fucking christ. "and why are you wearing my clothes?"

his eyes are still closed when he mumbles, "mine were wet. are you okay?"

"you're in my apartment to ask if i'm okay?"

"yes. you barely answer my texts. i haven't seen you in over a week. are you okay."

"scared shitless, thanks."

"that's your fault. how else was i supposed to get your attention?"

"maybe knock on my door and come back later if i'm not home instead of breaking in and falling asleep on my couch like fucking goldilocks."

"i didn't eat any of your food, so i don't think that works."

seungcheol pinches the bridge of his nose. "jeonghan, i swear to god." he remembers he has food and starts unpacking it, just to have something to do that isn't strangling him.

"okay, fine, maybe i shouldn't have come inside. but i didn't break in, i used the key that you still keep under that stupid fucking dog even though i've told you to get rid of it a billion times. why are you not talking to me?"

"i'm talking to you right now," seungcheol replies, looking over in his direction.

jeonghan runs a hand through his hair, definitely more awake at this point. "i miss you, okay?" he says. the general detachment he typically carries into situations like this is nowhere to be found. he sounds genuinely hurt. "i know you're not just busy. you always talk to me when you feel like shit, and you're not doing that, and it sucks."

now or never, probably. jeonghan is watching him carefully. he'll know if seungcheol is lying. he sets the empty takeout bag on the floor and grabs a second fork. it only takes putting it down on the table for jeonghan to stand. he's wearing an old t-shirt that seungcheol knows he must've had to dig for because he doesn't wear it often, like jeonghan knew exactly which one he wanted. it takes a second for him to remember it's one jeonghan gave him for his birthday — the first one after they met.

"i went to the diner with joshua the night you canceled on me," seungcheol says. "i didn't expect you to be there, but i saw you with that guy."

jeonghan stops halfway to the table. "you— oh my god. you've been avoiding me because of that?"

"you looked like you were on a date! and you didn't tell me why you were ditching me! what was i supposed to think?"

"i don't know, seungcheol, maybe not that i'd go on a date and not tell you? maybe that i wouldn't schedule it for a night we had plans?"

"okay, well, i'm sorry i was having a hard time being rational when faced with the possibility of you seeing someone," seungcheol complains. he knows he's pouting, but thinking about it is still upsetting, and jeonghan hasn't actually said it's not true.

something changes on his face, though — a tiny flicker — and he asks, "why would that be such a problem?" as he resumes his movement to the table to undoubtedly eat over half of seungcheol's dinner. "i'm not, if that wasn't clear."

seungcheol glances at his own feet. jeonghan can be maddening, in a lot of ways, but he takes things seriously when it's called for. seungcheol really doesn't think he's goading him for fun, so he looks up again. jeonghan is holding onto the back of the second chair, staring at him. and jeonghan is his best friend, but thinking about nights they've fallen asleep together or supported each other through all-nighters before exams and how jeonghan hasn't dated anyone in years either and how stoic he looks right now, how he asked the question… maybe it means something. more importantly, he's pretty sure their relationship is strong enough to bounce back, eventually, if everything goes to shit at this moment.

"because thinking you could've been on a date made me realize just how badly i don't want you seeing anyone except me," seungcheol replies quietly.

jeonghan clears his throat. "you know what that sounds like, right?"

"like i kind of want to be with you, hopefully. "

"going to need you to be more convincing, cheol, because if we do this, i'm not going back. not easily."

somehow knowing jeonghan is on the same page makes him more nervous than not. there is no bouncing back if everything goes to shit, after all. he moves around the table anyway. jeonghan never breaks eye contact. he's always been the braver one between the two of them.

jeonghan crosses his arms, at least until seungcheol carefully touches his waist with one hand, nudging him to turn away from the chair and placing his other hand on his opposite side.

everything about the moment is perfect in the way that it isn't. holding him shouldn't feel as awkward as it does, they've been clingy for years, but never like this, never with any sort of intent. jeonghan laughs as soon as seungcheol closes his eyes, and he's heard the sound countless times but this one is different. he has to pull back again to smack him on the shoulder.

"sorry," jeonghan says, breathless, as he tightens his grip on his neck and leans forward again.

seungcheol meets him this time, and the jolt in his stomach when their lips touch is almost too much — would be if jeonghan didn't smile into the kiss. seungcheol breaks away just enough to whine, "you're the worst."

"yeah, but you love me."

seungcheol nods, just enough to touch their noses together, and find his mouth again. not for long. and it's not intense, he has no desire to drag jeonghan into his bed and get him naked. they have time. crossing the line they've crossed is surreal enough.

jeonghan breaks away, this time, and uses a hand on the back of seungcheol's neck to guide his head to his shoulder, says, "i think i'm going to call you babe, just so you know. honey, maybe."

seungcheol nods again. not worth arguing, and he doesn't particularly mind anyway. "are you eating half of my dinner or what?" he asks, muffled.

"oh, definitely, but what's on your agenda for tonight and can i convince you to replace it with putting this food in the fridge, holding my hand and letting me eat half of your dinner at the diner, and kissing me in your bed instead?"

"why my bed?" he asks, raising his head.

"because mine is farther away from the restaurant?"

he's not wrong. seungcheol drops a peck on the corner of his mouth and snorts, finally breaking at the absurdity of it all.

jeonghan rolls his eyes and releases him so he can gather the takeout containers.

seungcheol clings to his back, wrapping his arms obnoxiously around his middle, and presses his lips to the back of his neck. "so can i ask who it was?"

jeonghan hums. "his name is jihoon. he's been my friend since i was seven, but he moved away before we met. i haven't seen him in three years. he suggested a double date, because he came back here with his boyfriend, and i couldn't stop talking about you. so i was going to ask, but now i kind of just want to kick you in the shins."

"i'd believe you mean that if you hadn't kissed me less than a minute ago."

instead of apologizing, jeonghan deadpans, "wanting to kick you in the shins and wanting to kiss you aren't mutually exclusive desires."

he shouldn't have expected anything different, honestly.