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If Jean was asked who his closest friends were, he would have answered without a thought - his fellow athletes on the track team, that group that hung out together always, that ate together at lunch and threw wild parties at the weekend. Middle-class backgrounds, younger, adoring siblings, parents that were still together. Good grades, nice clothes, college scholarships… they were the talk of the entire school, that typical group of popular senior boys, almost cliche, except that none of them were particularly mean-spirited - just overly competitive with each other.
Jean had another friend. They didn’t share any classes. They weren’t even in the same grade. When they passed in the halls, they shared a quick smile, but that was all it really was, and then they were on their way again - but in the morning, on the way to school, they spent the journey together, and Jean savoured every second of it.
Armin was the complete opposite of Jean. At lunch, while Jean enjoyed the attention and conversation of others, Armin preferred to sit with just his closest friend Mikasa, eating quietly, listening to music with her, sharing one earbud each. Lost in his own world a lot of the time, Armin lived through each day uncaring of his own reputation as the only openly gay guy in the school. He’d mentioned it once and that was that - it passed from person to person until it felt like everyone in the school knew. Though he never heard the end of it, Armin didn’t care all that much. Mikasa knew first anyway, and she was encouraging and supportive, so Armin didn’t mind what other people thought, especially as he was more interested in whatever he was reading at the time.
They met on Jean’s first day of senior year. Jean was riding his bike to school when he saw Armin walking under the sun with a particularly large backpack stuffed with books. Jean knew about him. He’d heard the rumours about Armin’s sexuality - everyone had - and what fascinated Jean was his ability to remain completely unbothered by what was said about and to him in the hallways of their school. Though he hated to admit it, Jean really did care what was said about him, cared about his image and reputation, and couldn’t imagine putting it all on the line to be true to himself. What Armin wore brazenly and with pride remained tucked away in Jean, a secret nobody knew. It wasn’t that he expected to be hated for it, or that he hated himself for it - there were just holes in his confidence, and the fear that the easy, perfect school life he knew would come to an end.
That day, Armin had surprised him, and Jean soon learned that would become a feeling he knew well, something almost normal when it came to Armin. When Jean pulled up on his bike and hopped off to walk alongside him, Armin had offered nothing more than a blank stare.
“Do we go to the same school?” he’d asked, and Jean was so surprised that Armin didn’t know who he was that for a moment he forgot to reply, just staring at him blankly. Everyone knew who he was - Jean was the most popular guy in school. Jean knew about Armin - he caught his eye every time he saw him, that pretty, quiet boy with the rainbow pin.
Despite the blunder of their conversation, Jean found that he and Armin got along well. Armin was unfazed by his teasing, offering witty comebacks that nobody else would dare to say but made Jean laugh. When Armin opened up, Jean listened to him talk about his classes and various programming projects, fascinated by just how smart he was. It quickly became routine, an unexpected friendship that blossomed a little more each day on that two-mile journey to the high school. On sunny days, Jean let Armin ride on the back of his bike savouring the feeling of his hands on his waist. When it rained they huddled under the same umbrella, closer than most high school boys would get to each other in public. Jean dropped him off at Mikasa’s house, just around the corner from the school, then made the rest of the trip on his own, already counting down the hours to the next morning when they’d get to see each other again.
It continued that way for the whole school year. They got closer than Jean had ever felt to a friend, and his small crush became something that consumed his thoughts whenever he was alone. And there, under the surface, was a sour, ugly feeling that Jean really didn’t like.
Jealousy. It was hard to pinpoint it at first, but it stayed true. Despite the perfect high school life he’d curated, Jean was jealous of Armin. He was jealous of his friendship with Mikasa, of the interesting conversations they had at lunch. He was jealous of his endless interest and passions, of his desire to learn and ease in doing so. But most of all, Jean was jealous of Armin’s ability to be honestly and openly himself, without any fear or worry, how he wore his heart on his sleeve and was never afraid to cry. How he could say he was gay without hesitation while Jean was barely able to admit the same thing to himself.
The months passed. Winter came and went. The branches turned from pink to green, and as spring gave way to summer, Jean was just weeks away from graduating and going off to his college of choice where a track scholarship awaited him.
As they walked to school one morning, foregoing the bike, Armin was uncharacteristically quiet, and his change in mood did not go unnoticed by Jean.
“Oi,” he said, bumping into him as they walked. “What’s up with you?”
Armin shrugged. He kept his eyes down and didn’t look at Jean as he often did. “I’ve just been overthinking.”
“What about?” Jean asked.
“A lot of things…”
“We’ve got time. Spit it out.”
“Jean…”
“I’m serious. Tell me what’s up.”
Armin looked up at him and looked away again. At the start, Jean might not have noticed the expression in his eyes, but after months of knowing each other, he was able to spot the fear and nervousness there.
“You’re graduating soon,” he said quietly.
“Is that it?” Jean asked. “Don’t worry about that. My GPA is fine. Might not be close to yours, but-”
“No, I just - I’ve been thinking about how much I’ll miss this.”
Jean stopped in the middle of the street, looking at Armin with surprise. Armin was often honest with his emotional side, but still, he’d never said anything like that. Nobody had said something like that to him before. When it came to his friends, they laughed and joked with each other, but it would be weird to express that kind of fondness. It was weird. Right?
If it was, why did it feel so good to hear?
“I…” Jean started, but for once, he found himself with no idea what to say.
“Sorry,” Armin said, offering an apologetic smile. “You probably don’t want to hear that. You should be excited, right?”
“I am excited,” Jean said, not wanting Armin to get the wrong idea. “But, I- I’ll miss it too. To be honest, this is my favourite part of the day…”
“You don’t have to say things like that to make me feel better.”
“I know I don’t. I’m saying it because it’s true,” Jean told him.
Always looking forward, Jean hadn’t thought completely about what it would mean to leave behind what he had now, but it was inevitable that these days would come to an end, and he would no longer get to enjoy these mornings on the way to school. Thinking about it like that, Jean felt his chest tighten up.
“Honestly, I’m jealous,” Armin quietly admitted.
“Jealous?”
“Yes. I wasn’t going to say anything, since it’s pointless, but I can’t help it… it only gets stronger the more I hold it in.”
Jean stared at Armin for a moment. How was he able to put his feelings into words like that, and openly express them, when Jean had such a hard time even admitting to himself what he felt?
“Why?”
“Because I’ll be stuck here for another year,” Armin murmured. “I feel so trapped in this place, and I - I want to be going to college already too.”
“It’s just a year, Armin,” Jean said. Why was his heart racing like that? “It’ll fly by.”
“I guess so.” Armin looked unconvinced. He frowned, bottom lip sticking out a little, and Jean couldn’t help but find him cute even then. “I’m sorry. I know being jealous is selfish, especially when there’s nothing you can do but listen to me complain like a child…”
“Don’t be stupid,” Jean said fondly. “Everyone gets jealous.”
“I doubt you do.”
It was quiet for a moment. Of course I do, Jean wanted to say.
“It’s not about me right now. Come on, let me cheer you up.”
As they walked, Jean gently nudged into Armin’s side, trying to make him laugh or at least smile, but Armin remained focused on the pavement, not looking up at him.
“It’s fine,” he said unconvincingly.
“No it’s not.”
“Jean-”
“If it was fine, you wouldn’t have that moody look on your face.”
“I can’t help it,” he murmured.
Jean swallowed. This wasn’t something he could just cover up with a joke or a change of subject. It was clear that this was really bothering Armin, and if he wanted to help, he’d have to make himself vulnerable.
“You know, I’m jealous of you too.” It took every ounce of courage he had to speak.
“You’re jealous of me,” Armin repeated. He obviously didn’t believe it.
“Yeah.”
“How? There’s nothing someone like you could be jealous of me for. You’ve got everything.”
Jean faltered a little, looking down at the pavement himself as he tried to possibly think of a way he could explain himself without saying too much, something that would give away how he really felt. Even what he had already said felt like too much, but Jean knew Armin was too curious to let him change the subject now.
“You’re so.. you. And you don’t care. I like that.”
“I don’t understand,” Armin replied.
“I guess that’s because it comes naturally to you,” Jean sighed. “You’re always honest about who you are and stuff like that. You’re not… you don’t give a shit what people think, right?”
“...You’re talking about me being gay.”
Jean blinked when Armin said that and effectively proved his point.
“Yeah...”
“There’s nothing wrong with that, you know.”
“I know!” Jean said. “It’s just like - it’s more like-”
“More like what?”
Jean bit his tongue, not knowing how to say it. How could he? This was exactly what he meant when he said he was jealous of Armin - jealous of the way he was true enough to himself to admit what made him who he was. Jean couldn’t do that. He didn’t even know where to start.
“I admire you,” he murmured. They stopped in the middle of the street. Jean could feel Armin’s eyes on him, though he couldn’t bring himself to return his gaze. “Because you can say it.”
Armin let out a surprised noise as it clicked for him and he realised what Jean meant.
“You mean…?”
“Yeah,” Jean murmured. Armin looked up at him for a moment, seemingly deep in thought, then nodded.
“There’s nothing wrong with keeping these things a secret,” he said, and reached up to gently touch Jean’s arm in a gesture that made him feel even more. They started walking again, and Jean fiddled with the strap of his backpack. He wished he’d brought his bike so he could focus on that instead of how hard his stupid heart was beating. “You don’t owe your secrets to anyone. People make a big fuss about coming out… but it’s okay not to. You don’t ever have to. It should be your choice.”
“I know, but…”
“You want to say it?”
“Sometimes,” Jean said. “I don’t know. It’s something I can’t take back once it’s said and done.”
“There’s only a few more weeks until you graduate.”
“Mm.”
“Have you told your mom?”
“God, no.”
“Are you afraid of what she’ll think?”
“Not afraid,” Jean said. “She’ll just be too supportive. I know she’ll make a huge deal about it, and I don’t want that, either.”
Armin chuckled a little bit, but when Jean looked at him, he realised that he’d been so wrapped up in himself that he didn’t even notice Armin was sad.
“That would be nice, too, though,” he said softly, as if his problem was the exact opposite.
“Come over sometime. She’ll make a fuss over you.”
“Really?” Armin asked. He looked shocked that Jean had even asked, but happy, too - his eyes lit up in that way they always did when he was excited, in that way Jean loved.
“Sure. I’d been meaning to ask…”
“I’d love to, then.”
Without realising it, they were already outside Mikasa’s house. This was where they were supposed to part ways - where Jean could continue on while Armin waited to walk with Mikasa - but neither of them moved. Jean looked at Armin. Their eyes met, and Jean saw Armin’s blush at the same moment he realised his cheeks were heating up too. It must have been obvious how he felt, Jean thought, especially to someone as perceptive as Armin. The morning sun was peeking over the rooftops, already warm with summer heat.
They looked at each other.
There, fastened proudly to Armin’s shirt, was the rainbow pin he always wore. It was what had drawn Jean’s eyes to Armin before they’d even met each other, the pride Jean admired and envied the most. Without thinking, he took a step closer, able to catch the scent of Armin’s shampoo, and reach down to unclasp the pin, his fingers brushing over Armin’s t-shirt. His hands were shaking, hairs on the back of his neck standing on end… but he didn’t stop, and only pulled back once the pin was sat in his palm.
“There,” he said softly. “Is it okay if I borrow this?”
Armin looked up at him, a beaming smile on his face, and nodded. “I’ll fasten it for you,” he replied.
Jean held his breath as Armin pinned the rainbow to his t-shirt, and when it was fastened there, they looked at each other and smiled. Jean touched it gently, heart racing, but with the courage to move forward that he only had because Armin had given him.
“Perfect,” Armin said, and before Jean had time to react, he had kissed him gently on the cheek. Bright red, he held tightly to the straps of his backpack, and hopped up the stairs to Mikasa’s house. “S-see you tomorrow!”
And Jean, just as shaky, touched his cheek and waved. “Yeah,” he breathed. “See you tomorrow.”