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Dear Aayla ,
Congratulations on becoming the padawan of Quinlan Vos. We welcome you into our group and our lives with joy and concern. The concern is because Quinlan Vos is not going to be easy for any padawan to manage properly. This is why I have taken the liberty of writing a user’s manual.
Item 1-1 Care and Feeding
Quinlan likes to eat weird things and he doesn’t think ahead. This means that the discovery of allergies and other items he really shouldn’t eat is entirely up to chance. That is why you, the padawan, should make a note of any foods that cause more drama than Quinlan normally creates. Do not let him eat more than two gorka berry sundaes in one sitting at Dex’s. Kiffar digestive juices make nasty stains in Dex’s tablecloths when he inevitably loses the battle to keep all that dairy down. Dex is cuddly and friendly now, but he does have a past and is surprisingly strict about sticking Quinlan with the cleaning bills.
He may also try to get you to eat weird things. If you find that you're allergic to them or just can't manage them, by all means tell him so. Make sure he's not drunk when you tell him, though. He will not force you to eat anything that's inedible for you. It may take a dramatic display of projectile vomiting to get the point across, but he will not prank you with food. As your master it's his problem if you're sick all night from eating something horrid, more so if you're on a mission. He's a bit scattered and may need reminding if he tries to order something for you that's on your inedibles list, but he is not mean-spirited and will learn eventually.
1-2
Quinlan has a strange sense of smell. If he says something smells good, you probably will gag. This is especially true when he tells you that his socks, that he hasn’t changed for ten days on the theory that they’re just inside his boots anyway, smell sweet. Don’t fall for it. Always perform your own sniff test. Or, you know, just confiscate his clearly-dirty clothes to wash.
1-3
Do not feed Quinlan past midnight. He will be cranky and even more manic the next day, instead of sluggish like a normal person. When he gets in this state, he tends to start fires and small wars “accidentally.”
1-4
You would never guess it to look at him, but Quinlan is extremely particular about his cutlery. Because of his abilities, touching utensils used by others floods his brain with too many images and sounds. This is why it is very important that he use the fork and spoon with the porgs engraved into the handles, no matter how silly. You will not be able to share clothes either as you get older, for the same reason. This is also why it’s completely useless to try to lie to him.
1-5
Quinlan cannot be relied upon to seek medical attention when he needs it. He’s not as bad as Obi-Wan in this regard, but being in the Halls of Healing in just a medical gown and without his gloves means that he can touch the bedframe, which floods him with the painful memories of everyone else who’s ever been racked up in that bed. For this reason, he should have his gloves, or, failing that, wrap the bedframe in blankets from his room. When the yellow of his facial tattoo is more pronounced than usual, that means he is not feeling well. He may need to be bribed to go to the Halls. His reputation is such that blackmail is futile.
Item 2-1 Pranks and the Assignment of Blame
Quinlan loves pranks, but mostly on other Jedi. He’s not completely brainless, just annoying. It is rare for his pranks to develop into diplomatic incidents involving non-Jedi. He is unlikely to prank you directly, but beware of his efforts to blame others for his pranks. By the same token, do not prank him back.
2-2
If he seems a little too considerate and kindly, suspect a trick. Quinlan has given Master Windu quite a collection of joke presents that were painful or humiliating for the master, like tea sachets that were more than half chili powder or hair products not safe for human use. Always screen Quinlan’s gifts. We once let him present Master Yoda with a whoopie cushion, and all of us still regret that.
2-3
Plausible deniability and alibis are your friends. Quinlan does have his own reputation as a prankster, but make sure you have some excuse or escape clause ready at all times whenever he tells you of any plans or tries to involve you in any way. Obi-Wan can use his dimpled grin and those sparkling eyes to get out of any kind of trouble, but most of us have to be craftier than that. Reeft’s usual excuse is that he was too busy eating to know what was going on until it was too late; this works because it’s true. Practice your innocent head tilt and tooka eyes in front of a mirror. I (Bant Eerin) will be happy to coach you in this. Garen is a softie who will not give you constructive criticism.
3-1 Authority in the Relationship
Quinlan may be a legal adult and your master, but he needs more supervision than most crechelings. Do not expect maturity in word or deed. On the other hand, do catch the childlike wisdom often present in his flippant remarks. He does know when and how to play by the rules. Use his outrageousness on missions as a bargaining chip, because a little bit of blackmail can be fun. Good cop and bad cop can work wonders in the Outer Rim and in many seedy joints.
3-2
Quinlan may look like he’s drinking and gambling and being irresponsible, may even have a deathstick in his mouth, but he was trained as a Shadow and is very good at pretending. Watch him. He talks much more than he actually drinks or gambles. He does not use mind-tricks lightly at sabaac. Trust his instincts. When he proposes a game of sabaac, brace yourself. He always wins because he cheats.
3-3
Know when to be his accomplice, when to tattle on him, when to stop him, and when to play dumb afterwards. Any time he is trying to trick Obi-Wan into eating or visiting the Halls of Healing, be Quinlan’s accomplice and then play dumb afterward. Never admit to Obi-Wan that he is being deliberately manipulated and tricked and blackmailed into taking actual proper care of himself. Follow Quinlan's instructions in order to play the part of the hungry or ill padawan to lure Obi-Wan into situations in which he is forced to eat or seek medical help. You may have to bribe Reeft not to clean Obi-Wan's plate for him when Obi-Wan falls back into starving himself for some banthakark reason. Again, follow Quinlan's lead.
If Quinlan is trying to swindle a Hutt, proceed with caution. Be his accomplice but tattle on him to Master Windu if Quinlan is doing anything illegal. As a padawan you are not legally responsible, but reporting his crimes and misdemeanors will allow you to get away with playing a bigger role in said indiscretions.
Only stop Quinlan in obvious public safety cases. Never let him operate a speeder or any other mechanical equipment if he is drunk enough that you can’t distinguish his tattoo from the rest of his face. Otherwise, he is largely indestructible.
If you get tired of Quinlan’s semi-edible exotic takeout habit or he keeps ordering food that your species can’t eat, go to Obi-Wan’s. He is an excellent cook despite his own unwillingness to eat and will be happy to feed you, even as he grumbles. Don’t worry about it.
If you want a second opinion on a crazy scheme, ask Garen. Reeft is the one to ask if there is food involved. His motivation in those cases is admirable.
If you or Quinlan are injured, ill, or otherwise under the weather or in need of a good scolding, but are too scared of Master Che to go directly to the Halls of Healing, call me, Bant Eerin. I will determine whether Master Che is needed.
This is just your starter kit. Over the years you will learn about Quinlan and his quirks through experience, so I left plenty of blank pages for you to add to this manual. When you are knighted, hold onto your amended version to give to his second padawan, assuming the Council are foolhardy enough to allow him another one.
Quinlan Vos is friendly, affectionate, hawkbat-crazy, completely lacking in sense, innovative, good-hearted, fiercely loyal, bad for your health, and alarmingly lovable. He loves with his whole soul and withers if that is not reciprocated. His gifts are not a sign of affection, but his ribbing is.
Let the good times roll and may the Force be with you.
Sincerely,
Bant Eerin