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Tommy didn't know when he started to not recognise himself while looking in the mirror.
He didn't know how he found comfort while watching the blood flow down from his wrist to the bathroom floor.
Staining it a beautiful red. He enjoyed how beautiful it was on his light skin. It was like a canvas with just 1 color in the palette
He didn't know when he started to perfect such a sweet smile to hide how he was slowly withering away just like his emotions. It hurts him how he didn't even know how to be happy anymore. He just didn't want anyone to worry about him.
Or maybe he does but he's too afraid of the fact that if he asks for help he would just be a burden to them. That they would realise how Worthless he really is, to leave him behind,Disgusted. He doesn’t want that.
It was good though, how people never really suspected why he started wearing long sleeves. How they never noticed that he was zoning out more and more.
Slowly losing himself in a blackhole he created himself.
They did notice...they just never really cared. i they did wouldn't they have already helped you? Talk to you?
A traitorous voice whispered to him.
He didn't realised that he was in the bathroom already. He didn't even know how, all he remembers was that he was at tubbo's watching Moana, but now he was back at his apartment sobbing. He couldn't bare to think that they never cared about him, they were like his brothers.
They were, but have you ever thought that maybe they never considered you as one?
No no no no no, he shouldn't think like this.They care about him he knows that.
He desperately tried to stand up with wobbly legs to reach the sink, behind the mirror where he hide his blade with his other medicine he never once touched. Everything was blurry because of the tears in his eyes that won't stop coming out.
He started to panic that he can't find his clade anywhere, he was so sure that he hid it behind all his stuff. He aggressively pushed aside all of the items inside the cupboard until he was what he was looking for.
Tommy let out his arm while the other one shakily started to cut his skin. He started to calm down as he watched the blood come out of the wound. Once he was done let his arm down and started to collect his breathing.
He doesn't believe that he's self destructive, it's just to calm himself down, to feel pain that ground him, making him realise once again that he's alive and not some doll acting its part in this cruel cruel world. He wasn't suicidal since he never cut with the intention of cutting off his air flow..
Excuses excuses excuses.....
A voice in his mind supplied him.
"no I'm not you fucker. Shut the fuck up."
Tommy whispered to himself.
He signed and sat up straight, hugging his knees.
He quietly sobbed as every mistake he ever made came crashing through his mind.it was torture that he had to experience every time he broke down. It was even more painful hearing his friend's voices degrading him, calling out on everything he ever did wrong. He knows that it's not really them but he can't help but cry at the voices. He gripped his hair to try and relieve himself but it just didn't end.
He can't help but feel that he was Worthless, a burden, a useless idiot.
He was scared that one day, his fear of losing everyone would come true, that he couldn't even do something to prevent it but cry. The fear of having nothing to live for and the fear that it might happen soon. He didn't want to be a shell of himself, he wanted to go back to the times when everything was simple where he never knew how to fake a smile,or how to cry without releasing any noises. Maybe just maybe everything will go back to its place.