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Daniel will never get used to the weird buzzing feeling he felt when he was high. It made him feel all tingly in a way he couldn’t describe as unpleasant or pleasant. The definitely laced Girl Scout cookies settling in his stomach did not help either. It was not exactly how Kevin described it, but then again, he also said everyone experienced it differently. His mind felt clouded with distant thoughts, and he was not really able to really think straight (literally). And it let his guard down, something that worried him very much.
He lazily turned his head to look at Kevin, who was lying next to him on the floor, asleep. He was on his stomach, face pressed against the carpet, which would positively leave an imprint on his face when he woke up, while his arms laid on either side of him. In this position, he almost looked dead, if it wasn’t for the gentle rise and fall of his torso and his soft snoring.
They did this every once in a while. Kevin would somehow convince Daniel to take a couple huffs, maybe eat a couple brownies (cookies in this instance), and they’d get high on the floor of Kevin’s living room. And without fail they’d always fall asleep on the floor despite the bedroom being a couple feet down the hall (Kevin’s trailer was pretty small.) Though, the thought of sharing a bed with Kevin gave Daniel a pit in his stomach. He wasn’t sure if it was from fear of sharing a bed with him, or maybe Daniel didn’t know how often Kevin washed (or didn’t wash) his sheets and didn’t really want to find out.
Laying on a bed so close to someone felt too intimate and Daniel was afraid of that.
It was something that was ingrained into him since he was very young. Relationships were very strict where he was from. Everyone was taught all the rights and wrongs of everything. The cruel, impure world they were forced to live in. With impure people who followed impure morals. Like Kevin. Hell, he called himself Dirty Kevin. There was nothing pure about him.
All of Daniel's fellow companions (if he could even consider them that) all followed their perfectly pure lives with their perfectly pure families all the way to their perfectly pure end when they reached their perfectly pure ascension.
Daniel had to pretend he didn’t have these imperfectly impure urges in him.
Daniel followed the rules exactly with no question. He had grown up being the perfect model follower for his compound. Everyone strived to be as good as him. As great as him. As perfect as him. Almost nothing could stray him from his mission to ascend as many people as he could, to show them the beauty of his beliefs and to cleanse their being.
Almost.
Kevin had planted doubts in his head. Tempted him into impure thoughts. Drew out long forgotten feelings Daniel had tucked away in the deep depths of his mind. It worried him- no. It frightened him. Being around the brunette made him feel like there was a ticking bomb in his head. Sooner or later it would explode.
After the first two times of Daniel trying to explain his ‘creepy weirdo cult’ religion, as the brunette would put it, Kevin thought it would be a fun idea to get high while the blonde tried to explain it. To him, this was the best decision he’d ever made. To Daniel, it was possibly the worst thing he could’ve done. Kevin now had scattered rebuttals, things he couldn’t quite explain thoroughly but it was enough to hold its ground against Daniel. Enough to start chipping away at the foundations of everything Daniel ever knew, even if it was slow.
Daniel never questioned anything. And he was always right. Because as long as he followed the rules, he’d always be right. But somehow this… simpleton had made him want to back track. Whenever he made a good point Daniel wanted to hurt something. Wanted to pace around the room and pull his hair out because on some plane of existence he could be wrong and he was never wrong.
You’d think he’d just leave. Kevin was a lost cost. He wasn’t even sober for any of their conversations about Daniels beliefs, despite letting the blonde explain in depth about it. He obviously wasn’t making any progress. He should’ve just given up. Spent his time on something more important.
But here they were. On the floor of a shitty trailer living room, high.
Daniel wondered what made him stoop so low.
Kevin shifted next to him, stretching. His arms spread out and he yawned, then instantly relaxed, not waking. Daniel slowly looked down in front of him. When Kevin stretched his hand slid closer to the other man. Something itched at him- an urge. And without thinking he acted on it.
He reached over and took Kevin’s hand in both of his own. There was a slight shift of color from Daniel's ghostly pale skin and Kevin’s tanner skin. It gave Kevin a warm glow. He was always just… warm. Even when Kevin gave Daniel his jacket because the blonde looked cold, the clothing article had a warmth to it that was so comforting Daniel wanted to curl up in it and never come out. The brunette's hand felt warm under Daniels cold fingers, and his skin was rough, his hands covered in small burns and scars from who knows what. Daniel ran his fingers over them, trying to imagine the stupid yet simple ways Kevin had gotten the scars. Maybe a burn from a hot cookie sheet, or a lighter. Cuts from falling or his hand slipping from cutting something. Who knows. Kevin probably didn’t even know himself.
Daniel's chest felt tight as he ran his thumb across Kevin’s palm. He wasn’t sure if it was his body telling him to stop or go further. So he stayed where he was.
This was the closest he’s ever been to Kevin. No- this is the closest he’s ever been with anyone, intimately and emotionally. Daniel didn’t really get close to anyone. Never had any actual friends.
They just got in the way.
He looked up from their hands to see the other man. He had turned his head, now facing Daniel, but was still asleep. And as he guessed, Kevin had small imprints on the side of his face from the carpet. His soft snores had turned into soft breathing.
He never knew what drew him to Kevin. At first it was his determination to convert him completely over. Kevin was stubborn, but Daniel was also stubborn. He thought about the pride and satisfaction he’d feel when Kevin finally came over to his side. He thought he could win.
He still hasn’t really accepted that he’d lost.
Because that would mean he was wrong. And he’s never wrong.
He doesn’t know when it happened. It was probably sometime when Kevin started letting Daniel stay late. Started sharing dinner with him. Started asking him for help with baking cookies. Started offering him to spend the night if it got too late.
Maybe it was when he found himself going to Kevin’s trailer with no particular reason other than to see the guy. Found himself looking forward to it, even.
He kept staring at Kevin laying across from him, peacefully sleeping. He wondered how the other man could feel so safe with Daniel. He knew what the blonde had done. What he was capable of. Even tried to use it against him occasionally. Yet he laid in such a vulnerable state. Right in front of him. It would be so easy to just…
Daniel sighed, closing his eyes for a brief moment to push away his violent urge, then looked back at Kevin. Something about him having his guard completely down like this made him feel... domestic. Laying next to someone who he knew he cared a lot for (though he’d never admit that) made him feel like he had been robbed of something. Something he could’ve had if he had taken a different path in life.
What a silly fantasy.
He never allowed himself to get so close to someone like this in his compound. Everything he does with Kevin is completely unorthodox in his compound. The topics they talked about. The things they digested. The thoughts that bounced around in the back of Daniel’s head that he so desperately tried to keep down and pretend weren’t there. But in the walls of this shitty trailer, he felt.. something that resembled feeling safe. Which is something he hasn’t felt in a long time. Maybe ever.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He slowly sighed, dragging his thumb across Kevin’s hand. He gave it a little squeeze, as to remind himself that it was really there. That this was really real. And then he just laid there with his eyes closed, enjoying the warmth that floated between the two of them. He almost started to drift off when he lazily opened his eyes one last time, only to be met with green ones looking right back at him, still looking a little bloodshot from the drugs. He froze, the warmth shattering into something cold, and he immediately let go of Kevin’s hand. The brunette chuckled, then yawned and he stretched out, his joints creaking and popping, accompanied by a couple ‘ooh- ah’s.
“Did I scare ya?” he mumbled, a loud sigh coming out of him as he shifted to get comfortable. His voice was low and almost came out as a growl. It made the blonde's chest tighten with something, and he could feel his face heat up.
“I thought you were asleep,” he said, sounding a lot more gentle than he wanted. Kevin placed a hand under the side of his face, probably to prevent the other side of his face from getting carpet imprints.
“I was,” he said. “Until someone's cold hand was feeling up my hand.” Daniel rolled onto his back, looking away, mumbling out an apology. That got a smile out of the other.
“I wasn’t saying it was a bad thing,” Kevin said, slowly reaching his hand out and gently brushing it against Daniels. The blonde looked back over at their hands, watching the other man tap the side of his pinkie gently with his index finger. Daniel opened his hand, just slightly, which Kevin took as an invitation to grab it. He ran his fingers over Daniels' knuckles gently, making the blonde's chest tighten even more.
He couldn’t understand why Kevin was being so gentle with him. He was always so blunt, and teasing. But during times like this, where they were both so… open, he was so tender. It almost made him want to cry. Every time Kevin's thumb brushed against his hand, it felt like electricity rippling through him.
“Can I come closer?” The question threw Daniel off guard. He took a moment to respond.
“What?” It came out more as a breath of air than an actual word.
“Like.. can I scoot closer to you? Dirty Kevin is getting cold over here.” The brunette casted a small smirk, making Daniel huff and roll his eyes, though he could feel a small smile tug at the edge of his lips.
Despite how stupid Daniel thought it was, Kevin occasionally talking in third person had it’s charm to it.
“I thought you were just complaining about how cold I was,” Daniel looked back over to him, a playfully stern look on his face.
“I just said your hands were, I didn’t say nothin’ ‘bout cha body,” Kevin shot back, the smirk never leaving his face.
After a pause, Daniel agreed. Kevin then let go of the blonde's hand and rolled over to be closer to Daniel. Then he placed a hand on his head.
“Wow. Bad idea. I’m too old for that,” he said, eyes closed as he gave out a small laugh as he rubbed his head, feeling a little dizzy.
But now he was close to Daniel. Very close. Too close, Daniel thinks. Just a few inches away from each other. He could feel Kevin's body heat radiating off of him and could smell the musky scent of sweat and weed wafting off of him. And his eyes were on him. Daniel never had a problem with eye contact. It was the best way to get his point across- to make direct eye contact so the other person can have their full attention on you. Until right now. Daniel was looking everywhere but Kevins eyes. Direct eye contact was always a trap.
He decided to look at his stubble. It was starting to get longer, just barely, and he wondered if Kevin was going to shave it soon. Though, it was nearly impossible to imagine him with a clean, shaved face (honestly the blonde was convinced Kevin had a permit stubble on his face). Not that Daniel wouldn’t mind seeing him like that. It would probably bring out his jaw line and make the other man look younger and very attractive.
Okay. Enough of that. Moving on. Looking at his hair now. Daniel has never touched Kevin's hair, but he imagines it as being either really greasy or really dry (or maybe soft). The guy never seemed to really comb it either. Never with an actual comb- mostly his hands. He would just mess with it until it looked presentable. Or at least what Kevin thought was presentable. Which was nowhere near what Daniel considered presentable. At that moment, it was messy, on its way to becoming a bed head. The urge to run his hand through it made Daniels' hand twitch.
Before Daniel could indulge in more thoughts, Kevin brought his hand up and cupped the other's cheek. This caused Daniel to finally look at the green eyes that have been staring at him, and it made his mouth dry. And he couldn’t look away. He fell into the trap.
Kevin's eyes were half lidded, like they almost always were. And he was close- he was so close. It was so overwhelming. His soft, green pools Kevin called eyes were locked onto his. He looked so sleepy and it looked so damn attractive it made Daniel’s head spin. He was lost in it all. Kevin’s warm hand slowly sliding to the side of his head. The warmth radiating off of him suddenly was hot. Burning hot. Daniel could barely process their faces getting closer and closer and Kevin parted his lips slightly and his eyes were almost closed and his chest tightened and a spark of pure panic shot through him.
Daniel pressed his hands against Kevins chest, making the other pause. And then he rolled over.
And he immediately regretted it.
He suddenly felt cold. Everything but his face was cold. His fingertips felt like ice but his face felt like it was on fire. He was facing away from Kevin and he could feel eyes on him. He could feel how… disheartened the gaze felt. The blonde could practically taste the guilt building up inside him. It was tying his stomach into knots.
He hated it.
He hated how bad he felt. He shouldn’t feel bad. He’s killed hundreds of people before and yet he feels bad about this. But mostly, he hated realizing how badly he wanted it. He hated how he wanted to taste Kevin’s lips against his, how badly he wanted to comb his hand through those brown locks to pull him closer and how badly he wanted both his hands on him anywhere and everywhere and he wanted to press himself against him and why did I roll away-
“Sorry,” Kevin said, abruptly halting the others' train of thought before it got too overwhelmingly embarrassing. “I guess I.. should’ve asked, or something.”
Asking might’ve made it worse. Daniel isn’t sure.
So he didn’t say anything. He just curled up more, hugging himself. What was he supposed to say?
‘Sorry for rolling away from you when you tried to show me affection, I’ve just never had any sort of intimate interaction like that before, or any intimate interaction really, and it scared me.’
Those cookies in his stomach were not sitting well.
They sat there, in the most uncomfortable silence Daniel has ever experienced. He tried to brush it off. Tried to tell himself that it was fine. He was fine. Kevin would be fine. He was so totally okay. And it definitely. Would not be awkward the next morning. Mhm. Yup.
But the knot in his stomach just kept getting tighter as the tension got heavier. He heard Kevin shift from behind him, probably on his back or maybe he was turned the other way.
Daniel could not take this emotion anymore. It was new and unpleasant. And what he did next he 100% blamed on the drugs.
He rolled over, seeing Kevin laying on his back with an arm over his eyes. Then, the blonde shuffled over and crawled on top of the other man, straddling his hips. Kevin jumped a bit, quickly moving his arm from his face, looking up and down at Daniel.
“What-” he tried to sit up but Daniel placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back down. Kevin looked up at Daniel as his head gently hit the floor, and the blonde could’ve sworn he saw a blush lightly spread across his face as he placed his hands next to both sides of Kevin's head. They stared at each other, Daniel nearly getting lost in those green eyes before he glanced to the side.
“Close your eyes.”
Kevin stared at him, taking a second to process what the blonde had requested. Then he blinked.
“What?” He asked with a little laugh to the word. Daniel’s cheeks went red.
“Just do it,” the blonde growled, already getting embarrassed. Kevin huffed out a small laugh but closed his eyes anyways.
“You’re not gunna stab me or anything, are you?” He asked, his tone playful.
“Tempting, but no,” Daniel responded, making Kevin chuckle nervously, his brows furrowing a bit in worry.
Daniel just stared down at him. He didn’t feel as overwhelmed as before, since he was the one who was going to initiate it. But... he’s never kissed anyone before, as embarrassing as that sounds. Grown man and he’s never kissed anyone. What a loser. But it shouldn’t be that hard, right? Just gotta… press your lips together. It’s that simple.
Apparently he took too long trying to hype himself up to do it because Kevin opened one of his eyes.
“I’m not going to stab you,” Daniel said, narrowing his eyes a bit.
“You were taking a while so I just had to be sure,” the brunette said, closing his eye again.
Daniel grumbled a little bit before leaning back to properly sit on top of Kevin. He very hesitantly cupped the others cheeks with his hands, making him laugh.
“What?”
“Your hands really are cold.”
“Oh my god would you shut up,” Daniel squished Kevin's face, his brows furrowing in annoyance. Kevin wheezed then laughed, making the blonde's face go red. Out of anger or out of how much it made his heart leap? Who knows.
“Make me,” Kevin challenged, making Daniel tense, his breath getting caught in his throat for a moment. It was an invitation.
It would be rude not to accept, wouldn’t it?
Daniel shifted a little, trying to not chicken out of this. He’s already here. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves, and slowly leaned down, pressing his lips against the other mans. It immediately struck him that he didn’t know the appropriate time length of a kiss. Before he could start overthinking it, he felt a hand trail up his arm and combs its fingers through his hair, gently pushing him closer to deepen the kiss. He sighed into it, practically melting on top of Kevin.
That was new.
It sent an unfamiliar blooming sensation through Daniel. It was warm. Any fears and doubts he had temporarily faded. It felt safe. The brunette stubble gently pricked against the blonde's lips, but it wasn’t uncomfortable.
After a moment or two, Kevin gently pulled at Daniel's hair to pull him off of him. The blonde was a little dazed, a bit out of breath. He had been lost in the moment. He shook his head a bit and looked down at Kevin, who was also a tad but out of breath. They stared at each other for a while, before the brunette smirked.
“You taste like thin mints.”
There was a pause before they both started laughing. Daniel buried his face into the crook of Kevin's neck and he gently laughed. The brunette wrapped his arms around him.
“How high are you?” He asked, squeezing Daniel against himself.
“High enough to allow myself to do this,” the blonde replied, relaxing as he moved his arms to hug Kevin’s head, raking a hand through the other's hair.
In the very back of Daniel's mind, he knew he shouldn’t be doing this. Getting so close to someone like this. It was wrong on several levels… but… it felt so nice. Daniel was so used to thinking about everything- thinking beyond himself and the needs and wants for other people. He was used to thinking beyond this realm they live in.
But he liked this small bubble he was in right now. Just him, and Kevin. And Kevin’s snake that was in the other room. And the faint smell of weed and cookies that hung in the air.
The only thing ruining this was the guilt eating away at him.
I don’t deserve this. Not after everything I’ve done.
“What a pair, huh?” Kevin rubbed Daniels back, chuckling a little. The blonde sighed, nodding his head a bit.
“Yeah. What a pair.”