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I closed the medical textbook listlessly, glancing at the bedside clock. Almost midnight, I thought releasing a heavy sigh. Brianna was fast asleep and would not wake until morning. Brianna had just turned a year old and was a wonderfully happy baby. Despite her sometimes melancholy mother, I thought to myself.
I had just begun going to university and the hours of study required were a drain on my every brain cell. But, at least it gave me something else to think about. The nights were the worst. Nights alone were even worse. Tonight was one of those nights. Frank had been called away 2 days ago and would not be back for more than a week.
I was alone.
As I laid flat on the mattress, the blanket pulled up around me I stared at the empty space next to me. My hand reached out to the stroke the empty space. These were the moments I was weakest, when the tears of sorrow and grief gripped my heart and tore at my soul. These were the times that I thought of him…of Jamie. It was only when my loneliness threatened to overwhelm me that I could feel my soul call out to Jamie, somewhere in eternity, begging for him to return to me. My tears fell silently on the pillow as I looked at the wedding ring Jamie gave to me on our wedding day. It was my talisman, my anchor to remind me of what we had. I pulled my hand to my chest, cradling it to my breast. Oh how I wonder what it would have been like if we had escaped Culloden, and Scotland after the Rising? What would our life have been like? If Jamie had abandoned his honor and run away with me and our child. But even as I thought it, I knew it would never be. Jamie was too honorable a man to abandon his men and their families. So he gave me up, sent me back to the future, our child deep in my womb.
I often thought of Jamie at times when my mind was quiet. I would see something that I would think, Jamie would like or not like that. I would smell something that reminded me of him. Most of the time I was in the local park when it happened, where the mounted Boston police would take their horses. The odors they left behind reminded me of stables and farm life…and yes, of Jamie. Those moments cost my heart dear to think about. I would often breakdown quietly knowing he was gone. I would occasionally wander to the local parish church around the corner from my shared home with Frank.
Jamie’s birthday, May 1st, was fast approaching, I thought. I will light a candle for him at the church, and I will take Brianna with me, just in case….I thought.
Those were my days. When Frank was home, I played along. Frank had tried to be caring towards me, but when he touched me my skin crawled. It felt wrong. Then I felt horrible about rejecting Frank, so many times I turned him away. But it felt like a betrayal…like I could hear Jamie’s voice:
“I will find you," he whispered. "I promise. If I must endure two hundred years of purgatory, two hundred years without you - then that is my punishment, which I have earned for my crimes. For I have lied, and killed, and stolen; betrayed and broken trust. But there is the one thing that shall lie in the balance. When I shall stand before God, I shall have one thing to say, to weigh against the rest." His voice dropped, nearly to a whisper, and his arms tightened around me. “Lord, ye gave me a rare woman, and God! I loved her well.”
Frank felt it. He commented on it at times, saying it was like there were three people in our marriage. It stung when he said such things, even when they were the truth. Most of the time would just roll my eyes…
My eyes filled with so many tears it seemed pointless to let another fall for something I could not change. I wondered as my eyes drifted shut in exhaustion. Perhaps in dreams I could find the answers and some measure of peace. Dreams….yes….
oOo
I rolled over and rose from the soft featherbed as the light shone brightly through the bedroom window. The sounds of farm life drifting on the breeze along with the dust mites and moths through the open window. It was early, but I would be needed very shortly as usual. Brianna rarely slept late, rousing early just like her Da.
Jamie was gone, as per his usual habit, in order to continue work on the “Big House.” Our current living arrangements were nothing better than a two room lean-to, half dug into the side of the mountain. It had taken, Jamie, Ian, Fergus, Murtagh, and several other men from Lallybrock little more than a week to build several of these encampments after to our arrival in America.
Having escaped the worst of Culloden, Jamie had seen to it that as many of the surviving families of Lallybrock were transported from Scotland to America. Jared had provided the ship and crew to facilitate, however once we arrived we were on our own. My 2nd pregnancy, with Brianna, had been as perilous as my 1st. Jamie had fretted over it, although he concealed his concern well. The transatlantic crossing was the worst I had ever encountered, and my pregnant condition had not helped. However, Brianna was born and had just had her first birthday, much to her Da’s delight.
As I stood and dressed for the day I thought of the birthday picnic Jamie and I had with Brianna. The utter joy it gave Jamie to play with his wee daughter melted my heart. I closed my eyes seeing Jamie tossing Brianna high in the air and catching her, her giggles and squeals of joy as Jamie played with her. A wistful smile flashed across my face when I thought of the time on a hot summer day I found Jamie & 6-month old Brianna naked in the nearby stream attempting to escape the afternoon heat. I remember shedding my clothes as well and joining them in the eddy pool. Such a lovely day that was.
As I came outside, I was greeted by a lovely scene. Our ragtag band of Highlanders seated around a large fire, the smell of warm bannocks and fried bacon wafting through the air. Clearly my services were not needed this morning. Jamie’s back was with me, but I heard his voice speaking in Gaelic to Murtagh. Murtagh caught my eye and nodded, causing Jamie to turn slightly. The morning mountain air was chilled, but not cold. It would soon be replaced by the heat of the day.
As Jamie turned, I saw that Brianna was safely seated on his thigh, Jamie’s arm wrapped protectively around her chubby middle. She was happily bouncing about toy wooden horses Jamie had made for her, giggling with glee. Brianna’s giggling made me smile, but she suddenly saw me and her face lite up, dropping the horses recklessly, and clapping her hands.
“Mama!! MMMAAAMMAA!!” Brianna squealed, reaching for me and trying to remove herself from Jamie’s hold.
“Wheeshh, ye wee baggage! You’ll hurt ye self.” Jamie scolded half-heartedly, smiling as he repositioned Brianna in his arms, rising to meet me.
“Good Morning!!” I squealed with delight as Brianna who all but launched herself into my waiting arms. Brianna tucked herself into my side and smiled at me. I made raspberry kissing noises into her chubby cheeks at which she giggled louder.
“No! Mama! NO!!”
I paused and looked to Jamie. He had a very self-satisfied smile of a proud husband and father on his face. He was wearing his kilt and tall boots this morning, his hands looped onto the belt holding his sporran and dirk. He had his rough work shirt on with his older coat. Clearly he was planning on more hard labor today. He moved closer to me, resting his hands lightly on my hips, pulling us both into the shelter of his embrace. His gaze held such love for me, for Brianna, I never had to doubt it. Slowly he leaned down and kissed me softly but passionately on my lips. My bones seemed to go to liquid every time. Forgetting we had a small audience, Brianna broke the spell.
“Kiss Mama, like me!” Brianna announced. I smiled at Jamie, both of us knowing what she meant. Jamie quirked up one side of his mouth at Brianna, then looked at me.
“You mean like this…??” And swiftly Jamie had us pinned in his arms, as he made sloppy raspberry kissing sounds on my cheek and neck. I laughed wholeheartedly, and Brianna laughed watching Jamie and I play. Soon our playfulness subsided, but Jamie did not release us, his gaze intense on mine.
“Sweet kiss, Mama..Da! Sweet kiss!” Brianna commanded her father like I could never do.
“Aye. A sweet kiss it tis.” And soon I was swept up again in Jamie’s embrace, his lips upon mine. Too soon though it was over and cool morning air invaded the space now between our bodies. Brianna now bored at not being center of attention was playing with a button on my bodice.
“We will be along the ridge most of the day.” Jamie announced as he gathered up his tools and a sack with presumably lunch inside. Jamie kissed Brianna on the cheek and ruffled her red-gold curls. “I will see you both this evening. Take care today.” Jamie kissed me on the forehead gently and lightly patted my bottom.
By the time Jamie returned that evening, I had dinner fully prepared. Murtagh & Fergus generally joined us, and this evening was no different. Brianna was on my hip when Jamie came through the door.
“Mmmmm, smells good. I’m starving!” Jamie announced as he shrugged off his coat and hung it on the peg near the door. I always left a pitcher with water and a basin near the door for Jamie to clean up a bit after a long day. Jamie splashed water on his face and neck, rolling up the sleeves of his work shirt, washing his forearms. Soon he was toweling off his face, arms, hair, and fingercombing his long hair away from his face. He looked quite fierce.
Throwing the towel carelessly toward the pitcher and basin, Jamie came up behind us, Brianna still perched on my hip.
“Da! Daaa! Go! Da!” Brianna announced her intent to go to her father, squirming this way and that. But soon Jamie was right behind me and stroked Brianna’s back lightly. His other hand was feeling up my backside quite nicely.
“Jamie Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser!” I yelp, spinning about with a wooden spoon in my hand. Jamie back up with his arms up in surrender, smiling wickedly at me. Brianna was attempting to get down.
“One moment, darling. Hold still. We will show your Da what we have been up to today, huh??” Brianna’s eyes lit up again, and she clapped joyfully. Jamie’s brow furrowed with confusion.
“And just what have ye two been up to today?” Jamie asked curiously, his hands on his hips.
“Sit and we’ll show you.” I announced moving around Jamie, who obliged by sitting on the bench at the kitchen table.
I walked 3 or 4 steps away from Jamie, kneeling down on the ground with Brianna. Brianna was bouncing with excitement and I had to settle her a bit to keep her from hurting herself. Jamie chuckled as he watched, pouring himself something to drink as he waited. He was perched at the end of the bench, directly in front of us. He leaded forward curiously as I put Brianna on the floor. Jamie watched as Brianna rolled over on her bottom and using my hands as leverage, lifted herself up to stand. Jamie’s eyes went wide as I praised Brianna with sweet kisses and smiles.
“Okay…lets turn you around. There you go, my sweetling. Okay…ready…go to Da.” I whispered encouragingly. Jamie placed his cup down realizing what was about to happen. His face filled with joy and wonder as his daughter took one unsteady step, then another, then another and soon she was across to him, his arms outstretched, his work roughed, sword wielding hands gently scooping up his wee daughter as she walked to him for the first time. Jamie held Brianna to chest and looked over at me. I saw the glistening of tears in his eyes as he held Brianna to him. I could hear the Gaelic words, and I saw Brianna’s small hand patting her father’s shoulder lightly. It was a sweet moment.
“When?” Jamie asked me as he placed Brianna in his lap.
“Today, I turned around and she had pulled herself up and was walking along the bench. Then we just practiced a bit.” I explained as I ran my fingers through Brianna’s soft curls. Jamie’s laughed and bounced Brianna on his leg to her delight as I continued with dinner. The sounds of a happy family.
oOo
The sounds faded as the dream faded from my mind. I’d only been asleep for a few hours, but I awoke feeling happy, refreshed. How I wished those moments had been real. Brianna had taken her first steps today and I had no one to rejoice with regarding it. My heart squeezed just a bit at the thought. Oh, Jamie, please find me soon. Please.