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It didn’t seem like so much a few minutes ago.
Robin groaned softly as she stared down at the pair of empty take-out containers before her, trying to piece together the hazy fog of the past hour into context. She had just returned to her room after a long and tiring twelve-hour shift, the kind that was the norm as part of her contract. But Robin hadn’t gone straight home from the training room, as in between there and the dorms was a cafeteria, and she just so happened to have a discount coupon for a burger set for two.
But Robin couldn’t eat two meals all to herself, she couldn’t, she wouldn’t. She thought to herself that she was getting dinner for both herself and Dumas, so she need not feel anxious or guilty about openly buying twice the amount of food for one person. This was despite the fact that Dumas almost always had dinner by the time she was done her evening shifts, but Robin put that unwelcome fact aside in order to justify her purchase.
After all, what would people think of her if they thought her intent was to have it all for herself?
Robin carried those swirling thoughts with her until she was seated on her couch with the pair of takeout containers and drinks on the table in front of her and her television tuned to a taped medical drama episode. She opened the box and was greeted by the luxurious smell of grilled meat and fresh fries, lightly shuddering with delight.
This was one of the greatest gifts upon coming to Rhodes Island, the food. Mansfield’s kitchens were quite bland by comparison, and before that…
Robin tried not to think about before that.
She picked up the burger and held it close to her nose for a better whiff. It was a real doorstopper, two patties, multiple slices of melted cheese, bacon, crispy fried onions and the works, but in Robin’s hands just before her eyes, it looked so much smaller and less filling than in the box or on the menu. Robin even frowned slightly, but that momentary feeling of disappointment instantly vanished upon her first bite, and her second, and third, and fourth, until her hands were empty.
Before Robin even realized what she was doing, she was opening the second container with one hand while her other scooped up a handful of fries from the first, and before she could come to terms with that, both containers were emptied.
Her show hadn’t even finished its first commercial break.
So, Robin continued to stare, perhaps wishing that if she thought hard enough, she could undo her mistake, except-
Oh, there was a small scrap of patties still in the corner of one box, Robin snatched it into her mouth without a second thought.
But after that, Robin leaned back on the couch and groaned a little harder. She hadn’t meant to do this, to eat this much in one sitting, but she kept enabling herself with delusions like buying for her friend or saving leftovers, and she was starting to notice its effects.
Robin looked down and lightly poked her stomach through her shirt, it was completely taut. In the back of her mind, she thought she heard the echoes of scolding words from her father, and so she covered her ears and whined loudly. She hiccuped under the stress and anxiety, with each yelp exerting just a little more pressure on her stuffed gut. It felt so good, but Robin wished so dearly that it didn’t.
Upon arriving, she had tried to keep to her previous eating habits, but slowly, her want lost out to need. The food was there, it was accessible, and it was good, not in so many years had all three been true, and she was beginning to fear it.
Eventually, Robin stood up, eager to clean up her mess before Dumas arrived any minute, but just as she went to pick up the empty drink containers, Robin’s ears twitched. The dorm room door slid open and Robin dropped everything to greet Dumas as she came in.
Even though she was wearing a long hood that obscured most of her face, Robin could tell from sound and smell alone that it was Dumas. She ran up and hugged her even before she had time to pull down her hood, but even then, Dumas hugged Robin back just as eagerly.
“I’m home,” Dumas quietly greeted Robin along with a light kiss on her cheek.
Robin returned the favour with a forehead kiss, right after brushing Dumas’ hair out of the way. “Welcome home, love.” She followed it up with a proper lip peck this time, eliciting a short giggle from Dumas. “How are you feeling?” Robin asked.
To answer, Dumas all but sank into Robin’s arms, leaning heavily into her, assured in the knowledge that Robin could easily keep her up. “Betta’, now that I’m with you.”
Dumas buried her face in Robin’s shoulder as the two stayed in their embrace, Robin rubbed her girlfriend’s back, feeling her loosen and relax a little more with each stroke of her hand. Eventually, she remembered to reach around Dumas and shut the door behind her, Dumas breathed another sigh of relief as the sound of the lock engaging reached her ears.
“I’s sorry… can we stay like this a little longa’?” Dumas whispered.
“Of course,” Robin quietly answered, taking a moment to kiss one of Dumas’ horns. “Take as long as you need, dear.”
The next few minutes passed quietly and calmingly. Dumas swayed lightly from side to side, but Robin kept her legs still and firm for her while still rubbing up and down her back over her dress.
“...I think I’s like to sit down now, my legs’a gettin’ mightily tired…” Dumas eventually said, but before Robin let go, Dumas gave her one last squeeze, a squeeze that was just enough pressure on her stomach to spark a reprisal.
To her horror, Robin uncontrollably and rather loudly belched right next to Dumas’ ear.
Robin waited for a reaction from Dumas’ expecting the worst, inquisition, scolding, reprimanding, but she received neither. Dumas just giggled softly before ending her hug with Robin, though she held onto the Anaty’s hand, expecting Robin to walk her to the couch, and she did.
“Oh, did you’s already have dinner, dear?” Dumas asked upon seeing the empty containers and boxes, Robin quickly turned away as her cheeks went bright red.
“Uhh, ahem, yes, sorry, have you eaten yet?” She clumsily asked.
Dumas sat down on her side of the couch and exhaled softly, still holding Robin’s hand as she sat down next to her. “I’s have, yes. Was your dinner good, dear?”
Robin huffed a brief chuckle. “Yes, very.” Dumas didn’t need to know the full details if she wasn’t going to ask, she figured. Robin then turned the television back on, resuming the play of her earlier show.
She felt Dumas let go of her hand, but before Robin even turned to see what was going on, she felt one of Dumas’ horns press into her lap. Robin looked down and saw her girlfriend laying across the couch, using her lap as a pillow as she continued to take long, slow breaths one after the other.
“Why don’t you ask them if you can work from here, Dumas?” Robin asked as she instinctively went to stroke her hair.
Dumas’ answer was predictable but understandable. “I won’t get any betta’ if I stay cooped up in ‘ere like anotha’ prison.”
Robin rubbed her thumb across Dumas’ cheek only for her to turn to the side and kiss it, causing them both to laugh briefly. “Still, don’t push yourself, Dumas, I know how hard it is for you to adjust to new places,” Robin stated.
“I will, dear,” Dumas answered, grabbing Robin’s hand before she could pull it away and bringing it to her lips for further kisses. “And… I’s glad to see that y’all also gettin’ betta’, dear.” She added.
Robin blinked, she didn’t understand what Dumas was referring to. Was it that she was still awake after her long shift? Getting more comfortable being physically intimate like this? Dumas spoke as if Robin herself knew the answer by heart, even though she didn’t.
Dumas yawned, and so Robin decided it would be better to play along, as they’ve both had a long and difficult day. “Thanks, I love you, Dumas.”
“Mmm… I love you too, dearie Robin.”
Dumas gently fell asleep even as Robin continued to watch her show. When it was done, she carried her still sleeping girlfriend as best she could to bed, where she tried her hardest to sleep.
But the question still eluded Robin. What did Dumas think she had to recover from?
She was able to eventually sleep, curled up against Dumas’ back, hugging her softly but firmly.
…..
“Seconds? No, you’ve had quite enough, now go back to your study notes!”
“One of the maids said she saw you sneaking away a pair of chocolate bars… there will be no more of this…”
“...I expect to see you on the track bright and early, a proper boy your age should be trim and fit!”
“...She left me because of you… but you… you… you do something right for once in your life and fetch me another bottle!”
“...”
“...I’m proud of you… son… you look presentable yet again…”
“I’ve been a good father to you, so the least you could do is buy me more whisky, Ro-!”
Robin awoke feeling Dumas shaking her shoulder, and when she opened her eyes, Dumas’ gray irises were staring right at her. “Are you alright, dear?” She quietly asked. Robin only now noticed that she was still shaking, and after wiping across her forehead she realized she had been sweating profusely as well. Still, her problems were nothing compared to her girlfriend’s, so Robin shook her head.
“I’m fine.” She answered, not noticing how much her voice cracked with each word.
Dumas sighed and Robin immediately regretted her deception, thinking she had probably just made her more worried.
“No, actually, I had a dream about my father,” Robin quickly stated. “Well, more like a nightmare, really… him screaming at me if I didn’t buy him booze. All the savings were gone, we were totally bankrupt by then. I had to provide for everything, rent, medicine… food… something always got left out.” She quietly recalled.
Dumas nodded before settling back into Robin’s embrace. “May I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Why do you do so much for him?”
Robin sighed as she breathed in the floral scent of Dumas’ hair. “Sometimes I’m not so sure. Maybe I just want the recognition from him I never got, maybe it’s because I feel that I have to support my family no matter what, or maybe it’s so he can be lucid when I finally tell him I want nothing more to do with him.”
Dumas said nothing in return, so Robin kept talking after a short pause.
“You probably think I’m wasting my time on such a deadbeat, don’t you, Dumas?”
“...No. I’s think you have a big heart, ‘s something to be commended. Even if the peoples receiving your love do not necessarily deserve one lick of it.”
Robin huffed a single laugh. “You don’t have to be so kind, I know he doesn’t deserve it.”
“Whatever you’s need to do to heal, I’s support you as always, Robin.”
Robin reached down and kissed Dumas’ forehead, now smiling again thanks to her words. “Thank you… I love you, Dumas.”
Down on her torso, Robin felt Dumas kiss her chest as well. “I love you too, Robin… you sleep well, dear.”
She tried, and her resulting dreams were filled with her loving girlfriend.
But they were also filled with all the foods she wanted, and that upset her almost as much.
After that relapse in memory, Robin tried her hardest to cut back starting the very next morning. Her shifts were seven to seven most days, so she had to unfortunately leave the still sleeping Dumas in their bed early in the morning. It was hard, but they made up for it by sleeping in late together on the weekends.
Harder than that was preparing her lunch. Robin’s schedule didn’t leave much time to shop, so she let Dumas take care of that, and if what she often found in the pantry and fridge was any indication, she enjoyed a lot of the same vices that Robin did. Still, she searched, and eventually found lettuce, so she could make a salad out of that, an apple, a handful of cashews from a can, and the last of their raspberry vinaigrette dressing.
She barely felt satisfied come lunch hour, and there was a convenient vending machine just outside the training room…
Robin ended up buying three protein bars with the excuse that she would have one now and the other two during a break if she still felt hungry. It wasn’t a binge, and she wasn’t over-eating.
Before lunch was over, Robin guiltily tossed three empty wrappers into the trash bin, but at least her stomach no longer ached.
When Robin returned home, she found Dumas already inside and working away over a hot plate, the smell of a simple but hearty meat sauce hitting her nose as soon as the door opened. She turned and waved at Robin as she entered and Robin greeted her back, but after that, it was straight to bed, where she would try her hardest not to think about how good the food smelled.
Dumas took notice of her departure quickly, as not even a minute after Robin flopped down on the bed she felt her hand rub her shoulder. “Are you feelin’ alright, dear?”
Just hearing her sound so concerned made the guilt hit harder.
“I don’t feel well, so I’m going to bed early.” Robin half lied, half spoke the truth.
Dumas hummed sadly. “I’s hope you’re feelin’ betta’ soon, now” She said, patting Robin on the shoulder. “But, I’s almost got some grits and bacon ready, I reckon you’s probably feel betta’ afta’ you eat.”
Robin shook her head. “Thank you, but I’m not hungry… I had a bite to eat on my way home.” She fully lied this time.
Dumas sighed but gave Robin’s shoulder another pat. “I’s check on you later… sleep well, dear… I love you, you know…?”
She bent over and shared a brief kiss with Robin before leaving. “I know… I love you too, thank you,” Robin whispered back to Dumas before she left.
Once alone, Robin buried her face back in her pillow and tried not to think about food, or even Dumas, since that would lead her back to food.
All that came up was her father, and she sobbed quietly into the sheets as her hunger pangs rang out loudly.
Despite everything, this pattern persisted for an entire week, until Dumas finally brought it up.
“I’m worried about you, dear.”
Robin had been staring forlornly down at the salad she was making for her lunch for the past couple of minutes, so Dumas’ voice greatly startled Robin as it snapped her out of her stupor. She slowly turned around and saw Dumas at their bedroom door, still in her pyjamas. Seems she had woken up early to see Robin off before she started her shift.
“I’m… sorry,” Dumas apologized as she began to step towards Robin. “I’s wanted to give you time, I didn’t want to put any pressure on you’s, but I had thoughts about it last night and I reckon we should talk about it now.”
Robin shook her head. “Talk about what? I’m fine.” She replied, truthfully believing it. “I know I have a tendency to binge eat if that’s what you’re worried about, but I’m working on it! I’m getting better at controlling my urges!” She added, trying to pre-emptively defuse the situation before Dumas brought up any potentially painful memories.
Dumas reply shocked her because it ran contrary to what people had been telling Robin her entire life. “You’s starving yourself, Robin. That’s the problem.”
It was so baffling to her that Robin actually let out a few laughs. “W-What?!” She asked back even as she instinctively leaned back onto the kitchenette counter, seemingly a futile effort to put more distance between herself and Dumas. “That’s… not a thing, Dumas. People with eating disorders starve or purge themselves, I’m on a diet!”
Dumas wasn’t phased by Robin’s response, she surged forward and grabbed Robin by the sleeves, pulling her upright even as she tried to bend over backwards onto the counter. “You… you do have an eatin’ disorder, Robin!” She cried out at her, finally freezing Robin in place. “You’s skippin’ meals, and pickin’ at you’s plates, and I can hear your tummy cryin’ in pain every night!”
After a few seconds of heavy breathing between the two of them, Robin clenched her eyes shut. She didn’t want to look off to the side, but she couldn’t look at Dumas’ sad, teary-eyed face either.
“Is… do you really think it’s a problem?” She whispered.
Dumas gripped her even harder. “Yes! A big problem, dear!” She answered. Dumas then loosened up her grip on Robin, slumping over until her head was in the crook of Robin’s neck, who naturally wrapped her arms around her for a light hug. “I’s so happy when I saw you enjoying your hearty meals… why do you reckon that’s a problem?”
Robin choked, memories of her father flashed back, but now they were being challenged by someone she actually loved. She started to cry for a while, wanting to answer but being unable to cut through the stampeding emotions.
Dumas hugged her back once the tears started and didn’t stop.
“I’m scared… most of my life I was ridiculed for my weight. Whether it was school, doctors, or my father. I can’t… go through that again… I can’t be fat again…”
Dumas leaned back from under Robin’s neck and looked up at her. This time, Robin looked back at her eyes. “I’s rather you be healthy, Robin, will you let me try ‘n’ help?”
After a brief moment of hesitation, Robin nodded, and they sealed the promise with a kiss.
As Robin quickly discovered, one of the perks of having a girlfriend in the medical department was the relative ease of being granted a couple of weeks of medical leave. Paid leave as well, otherwise, Robin never would’ve agreed, which was why Dumas fought hard for her. They also both discovered that there was already a support group in Rhodes Island led by two of the instructors Robin often worked with for the very issues she was facing. They met twice a month and luckily the next session was in just a couple of days, Robin was a bit nervous, but she ended up making fast friends with Angelina and Sora, which helped both her mood and speaking.
And with Dumas at her side and the support of friends behind her, Robin didn’t feel as much urge to binge. She ate normally, definitely more than she previously felt comfortable with, and sometimes to the point of a taut belly, but after a while, it no longer felt awkward or shameful.
There were times when bad memories and feelings re-emerged, neither expected the healing process to be linear. Just as there were days when Dumas refused to leave the bed, there were days in which Robin saw the plate of food in front of her, or caught a reflection of her slowly changing form in the mirror and refused to eat.
“You have what you can, dear.” Dumas would say to Robin in those scenarios, and it helped. She wasn’t pushing Robin, she was reminding her that it was ok to eat.
On one day off in the near future, the two returned to bed to cuddle and spoon after finishing breakfast, with Dumas enjoying her new position behind Robin, where she could more easily appreciate how much better Robin felt, in addition to how much better she sounded. She gently rubbed across new areas of softness around Robin’s hips, chest and stomach, admiring her girlfriend’s new curves.
It wasn’t just plush, either. As Robin re-discovered, eating better also helped her build a stronger set of muscles, and near the top of her otherwise soft, smoothly-curved belly Dumas could feel the slight outline of previously unheard of abdominal muscles.
She decided to give Robin’s tummy a slight squeeze, and she belched loudly from the pressure.
“O-Oh, excuse me, sorry,” Robin habitually apologized.
Dumas giggled before pressing a kiss into the back of her neck. “I ain’t think there’s anything you gotta’ apologize for, dear.”
Robin began to laugh as Dumas squeezed her again, and pretty soon they were both chuckling in unison.
“Nothing you’s gotta apologize for at all.”