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He gazed at the traveling clouds that drifted through the sky, and his mind wandered elsewhere. He sighed, resting his chin on the palm of his hand, and angled himself to a less noticeable position, closing his eyes. ‘What if for one second I was a cloud?’ Listening to his father talk about new deals for their company was ideal, but he couldn’t bring himself to tune in.
He sighed wistfully but snapped his attention back to none other than his father,Erwin Smith. He loved his father more than anything, but the pressure of being next in line to be the CEO was eating at him. He knew his father wanted the best for him, but he couldn’t deny that he craved more in life than being a CEO. He had grown up with a clear plan in mind, but as he neared 25, the pressure of running a company filled him with dread. He didn’t want to be tied to a business at 25, he wanted to be free.
He stood up, introducing himself, signaling for Jean to turn on the projector, and his cheeks warmed up at Jean’s “go get’em” grin. ‘Don’t focus on him...’ Presenting in front of Jean used to be a piece of cake until scenarios of them being together crawled in. They had started minuscule, and he stuck to them, only running away together. Eventually, it progressed past that and soon he was daydreaming of them living in complete bliss by the ocean side.
After 1 grueling hour of explaining documents, group plans, and answering questions, their meeting finally came to a close. He waited patiently for everyone to exit before plopping onto the rolling chair with a loud groan. “From the looks of those smiles, you aced that presentation,” Jean flipped the projector off and flipped the lights on. “You, Armin Arlert, are always doing the impossible.”
“I mean, I’ve been doing this for quite a while and I’m 22 years old now.” He loosened his tie. “So is it really impossible if anyone can do it?”
“Well, presenting to a bunch of posh investors that run stocks and oversee smaller corporations is a pretty big deal and there’s a lot of pressure, so I mean…” Jean smirked at him and cleaned off the whiteboard. “Yes, you’re doing the impossible, so stop selling yourself so short.”
“You’re one to talk.” He traced a finger on the ebony table, eyeing Jean. “You and I both know you could’ve done this too, but I eagerly went for this position, not knowing you were applying.”
“I didn’t get picked for it and you did, and I already told you,” Jean swiveled around, taking a seat next to him. “I’ve never been mad and even now I’m not mad because you and I both know that you were born for this role.” The ash-haired brunette winked at him, and he looked away, feeling himself blush. “Plus, I’m your assistant.”
“I like the phrase right-hand man more.”
Jean leaned back in the chair, resting his hands behind his head. “What’s up, by the way?”
“What do you mean?”
“Usually when you’re presenting, you at least pretend to be present, but today you seemed like you weren’t here.”
“Is that so?” He glanced out the window, humming at the clouds, then turned back to Jean. If he told Jean about his plan, it could go one of two ways. Either Jean cheered him on and went along with his fantasies… or he’d laugh at him and call him a ridiculous child for dreaming. “Well,” He whisked a random blank sheet of paper and a pen and wrote with little thought. “What do you think of running away?”
“Like me and you?” Jean rolled chair closer to him and rested his chin on his hand. “Where do you want to go?”
In all honesty, Jean’s eagerness to help him plan out a random scenario was not expected, seeing as Jean was the more realistic one between the both of them, but he shouldn’t have been surprised. Jean, no matter how realistic he was, supported nearly everything he did, and it ranged from him wanting to dye his hair pink to him calling in sick just to go to the beach. Even his wackiest ideas seemed less wacky when Jean showed interest and it made him feel important and seen. Like he was more than just business Armin ... like he was just Armin.
“I was staring at the clouds, wondering where they went, and it made me want to run away,” He shrugged, waving the pen around. “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do know.”
“What do you mean?”
“You want to live by the coast and wake up every morning to a morning breeze and a collection of seashells and when you step out you want to smell the salt from the ocean,” Jean calmy shrugged, and he opened his mouth to react, but lost his words. “Oh, don’t give me that look, you think I don’t know how you feel about the ocean?”
Sometimes he forgot how well Jean knew him, but then again, Jean and he were like two peas in a pod. They were glued to the hip, or more so he was glued to Jean’s hip, but he wasn’t afraid to admit that anymore.
Seven years ago, if you’d asked him how he felt about Jean Kirstein, he wouldn't have much of a response other than “The guy who likes to pick fights with Eren.”, but those preconceived notions were erased the more they had worked together over the years.
The next thing he knew, Jean was the person he started turning to for advice, support and even someone to rant too at 3:41 am over a video game. Even if his brain always conjured up random anxiety, Jean always made him feel safe. Jean always made him feel like someone was there to always listen. ‘He’s so supportive… and his eyes are such a pretty color and his jawline-’
“Why’re you staring at me like that?”
“Huh?” He looked down at the paper as his cheeks flushed and he realized Jean had written on it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” He got a better look at the paper and realized Jean had written 3 different destinations. “What’re you writing?” He wasn’t sure where “those” thoughts of Jean came from, but butterflies would flutter in his stomach. Even though he was a realist that gave unwarranted opinions sometimes, they came from a good place. He was selfless, supportive and did his best to sympathize with those who needed it, all while being attentive. ‘He’s the definition of perfect… How did we become friends?’ He bit his lip. ‘What if we were more than friends-’
“You’re doing it again!” Jean poked his cheek with the pen. “You’re staring at me, but also not listening to me.” Jean sighed, crossing his arms. “Look, I know my cheekbones are distracting.”
“Good grief,” He chuckled, rolling his eyes but chuckled. “And for the record, I was listening, you were talking about these places that you wanted to go to.”
“Not just me, us!” Jean handed him the pen. “You said you wanted us to run away together, so we can go to these places, but now you tell me the plan.”
He tilted his head in thought, but opened up. “Well, I think we just pack our things after one day of work and just drive to a random place before…”
“Before we settle down by the ocean?”
It didn’t slip past him that Jean kept saying “we” and it made the butterflies flutter even more. He wasn’t sure why Jean would imply both of them moving together, but he wasn’t complaining. “Yeah, before we settle down by the ocean.”
“You know, I know you love the ocean and all, but that sea smell…” Jean pursed his lips. “It’s obnoxious, don’t you think?”
“The smell of salt from the ocean makes it so authentic and invigorating,” He sighed wistfully, allowing his mind to wander to a beautiful sunset above the ocean.
“Are you doing that thing where you get a hard-on for the ocean again?” Jean looked at him suspiciously but chuckled behind his hand and he scowled.
“For the last time, I wasn’t thinking about the ocean that time!” He gingerly smacked Jean’s arm, and the ash-haired brunette laughed even harder. Hearing Jean laugh was a goal he made a long time ago because he hadn’t realized just how much it meant to him. “If we were to do this, where would you want to go?”
Jean grinned, letting out a soft sigh, but gave him an earnest look. “I’ll go wherever you go, Armin.”
He swallowed harshly, processing Jean’s word, and stared into his honey brown eyes. ‘He’ll go wherever I go…?’ A child-like joy filled his stomach as his heart warmed up from the sincerity in Jean’s eyes.
The longer he stared into Jean’s eyes, the further he fell in and his heart clenched as the intense feeling from before came back. He always did his best to keep these feelings dormant, but each time Jean spoke words of reassurance and comfort to him, the emotions would burst through, making him feel something indescribable. Jean’s presence alone made him feel something. It was a familiar feeling that he had subconsciously attached to Jean years ago, but was too afraid to admit it. ‘Love… I think I love…’
“Who?” Jean looked at him with curious eyes.
“Huh?” He brought himself back to the real world and hummed. “What’re you talking about?”
“You were talking, and you just whispered I think I love, but then you stopped talking,” Jean leaned in and whispered. “Do you have a crush on someone?” The ash-haired brunette continued to stare at him, and he felt a little more exposed than he wanted to be.
That question had caught him off guard, but he answered it mentally. ‘Yes, I think I always have…’ He glanced away, turning red, and bit his lip, feeling conflicted. ‘Damn it… not only did I almost say that out loud, but these feelings for him are becoming too much,’ His first thought was to deny these feelings and continue to bury them in the depth of his brain, but it seemed inevitable and pointless to run from them.
Everything about Jean was right to him. From the way Jean spoke to him to the way he looked at him, it was hard for Armin not to want to be with him. It was hard for Armin to not love him. Jean was everything he ever wanted, and his brain was slowly coming to terms with that he wasn’t just in love with Jean Kirstein, he full-on loved him. ‘Crap…’
“No, you’re overthinking this-”
“Oh my gosh, yes you do!” Jean pulled away with a wide smile, but his tone seemed off. “Do I talk to them?” He shook his head, but couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on his face. ‘He’s so cute when he’s curious.’
“No, Jean-”
“No, as in I don’t talk to him or no as in we don’t work with him-”
“No, as in, I don’t have a crush on someone…” He sighed, struggling not to snicker as Jean eyed him suspiciously. “Why’re you looking at me like that?”
“I’ll figure it out,” He was startled by the hand Jean had placed on his thigh and his eyes darted elsewhere, trying not to think too much into it. ‘His hands are bigger than I thought.’ He blushed at his thought, rolling his eyes, but was disappointed when Jean pulled away. “Let’s go eat!” Jean stood from the chair with a stretch.
“It’s your choice this week,” He stared at the paper one more time, crumbling it up. ‘Get real Armin, it’s never going to happen... especially with Jean, of all people…’
“I have the perfect sandwich place that Sasha, Conny, and I visit frequently.”
“How do you always have time to go to these places?” He stood up from the chair and tossed the wad of paper in the trash. “Every week it’s something new.”
“Oh yeah, these were places I either went to with my previous dates or Sasha recommended, but this one I go to frequently.”
He ignored Jean’s minor comment about his previous dates and waited outside of their meeting room for him to catch up. It wasn’t “friend-like” for him to ignore Jean, but he couldn’t help the slight annoyance that arose when he was reminded of them.
He loved Jean more than anything, but the last thing he wanted to hear about were how attractive the people he won’t on dates were and his sexual experiences with them. It wasn’t even because he was disgusted by these topics. He even used to harass Jean for such details about his life and Jean would willingly fill him in, but he grew weary of hearing about them. It became exhausting hearing about all of his adventures with said people he would lie with because he refused to envision Jean being so intimate with someone that wasn’t him. Eventually Jean spoke less and less about his dates and Armin wondered if maybe Jean had caught on to his false act of listening, but it turned out Jean was just tired of “looking for the one”.
A good friend would have encouraged him to go on more dates, but the selfish part of him always ruled over and he unintentionally encouraged Jean to “stop searching and wait for the right one.” because no one deserved Jean.
“Yeah, but let’s change here really quickly, I feel weird showing up in a business suit at a normal restaurant.”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” As they shuffled into the restroom, Jean undid his tie and wasted no time unbuttoning his white long sleeve. “I want to say I hate ties, but I feel like they can be a kind of hot.”
“Huh?” He pushed the bathroom door open, double-checking to see if any stalls were occupied, and let out a sigh of relief knowing he was alone with Jean again. “Something about that statement sounds off.”
“Well one, you can use them to steal a kiss.”
Before he could question his comments, Jean gripped his tie, pulling him into his bare chest, and he instantly pressed his hands against Jean’s peck and resisted the urge to bury his face in them. Now, this wasn’t the first time Jean and he were pressed upon one another, but Jean being shirtless made the intimate contact more exhilarating. He swallowed, gradually looking up, and was met with Jean’s lips and he chewed his own.
“Do you know what else they can be used for?” He pulled off his tie, maintaining eye contact as chills rolled down his spine. Jean’s eyes stayed trained on his and his enthusiasm grew at all the attention he was receiving from Jean.
He gently placed his hands on top of Jean’s knuckles and used his tie to tie Jean’s wrist together, gazing further into his eyes, and the heat between them intensified. ‘He’s so built and his lips…’ Armin studied his lips again and could've sworn Jean was leaning down, but he licked his lips and deliberately rose on the tip of his toes as his heart raced. ‘His lips are mine…’ He tilted his head as their lips inched near each other, but the bathroom door swung open, throwing his thought process off and causing him to topple over Jean.
Reiner gave them a weird look and tilted his head. “Really guys?”
“It’s not what you think-”
“Look, I’m not mad, but couldn’t you guys have done this kinky stuff in the stalls or something?”
Jean chuckled, while his cheeks heated up and he untied Jean’s wrist and attempted to pull him off the floor. Jean was a lot heavier than he thought. “Reiner, I swear we weren’t doing anything.”
Jean rubbed the back of his head. “What’re you even doing here, I thought everyone already left?”
“Well, I forgot something and then I heard talking and then I just had to see where it was coming from, so here I am,” Reiner scratched the back of his head, still confused. “Walking in on a porn scene-”
“Reiner!” He gasped
“At first I didn’t understand what everyone was talking about with you two, but I get it now,” the broad blond muttered, and Armin raised an eyebrow at the odd comment. “No need to explain yourself, you two lovebirds have a goodnight!” Reiner waved at them before exiting the bathroom, and his mind replayed the “lovebirds” comment. ‘That was new… and what is the office talking about?’ Asking Reiner to elaborate would’ve been the best choice, but he didn’t want to open another can of worms.
“Speaking of porn scenes, is that where you learned how to tie like that?” Jean entered a laughing fit and he rolled his eyes, taking off his clothing. It would be a total lie if he said he didn’t sneak glances at Jean’s body. Jean’s build was superb and even though it made him feel slightly insecure, it turned him on even more.
‘His body…’ He sighed, only taking in some of Jean’s words, and continued to replay the recent events in his head. Jean and he had never been that close, yet he wanted to be like that again. The look Jean had given him had made his heart flip-flop and at that moment, the only thing that had mattered to him was being close to Jean and never having to let go... because Jean was his. ‘Jean isn’t yours, you two aren’t even dating, he was just trying to be funny…’ The right choice was to bring up what just occurred to quell his thoughts, but he decided against it. ‘He was just being funny…’
“Now are you ready to go?” He gave Jean a thumbs up and followed him outside of the restroom. ‘Why’s he so confusing…’
The car ride to the sandwich shop wasn’t as long as he wanted it to be. Long car rides were his favorite things, especially with Jean. When they arrived at their destination, Jean hopped out of the car happily and he trailed behind and noted how “friendly” he seemed with the server. Of course, he wasn’t jealous… but the flirting was getting on his nerves.
“Are you going to ask her out?” He asked, skimming through the menu.
“Who?”
“The server.”
“Why would I do that?”
He sighed, looking up from the menu, and put on a fake smile. “She’s flirting with you and you are sort of flirting back, so I mean…”
“Am I?” Jean seemed genuinely confused and folded his menu. “Do you know what you want to order yet?” He nodded, closing his menu, puckering his lips.
“Anyway, are you going to get her number?”
“I mean, I was planning on it for a while, but I don’t know,” Jean traced a finger on the table. “What do you think?”
“Why does what I think matter to you?”
“First of all, your gut instinct is always right, and second of all, your thoughts always matter to me,” Jean placed his hand on his and he remained still. “So what do you think?” He glanced at their hands, then back at Jean, and was met with a serious look. The best option was to shoo Jean’s hand and tell him to go for it, but Jean’s hands on his own felt amazingly warm and he didn’t want to let go.
The thought of Jean holding hands with someone else seemed inadequate to him, especially since he loved to pretend that Jean’s hands were his hands... but they were friends... and they’d always only be friends. ‘Jean is my friend and that’s all we’ll ever be, so I should tell him to go for it…’ He let out a sigh, finalizing his decision.. ‘Put his interest first and tell him to ask her out.’
“No,” He expressed, putting no thought into his next words. “I don’t think you should because I don’t think she’s the one… plus I don’t think she’s your type.”
Jean smirked, nodding thoughtfully. “Yeah, my type is 5’6 with blond hair and hazel eyes.”
‘I could’ve sworn it was anyone that had dark brown to blackish hair…’ He racked his brain, trying to remember if Jean had ever mentioned such qualities, but came up with nothing. “I thought it was anyone that either had dark brown hair or blackish hair?” Jean stared at him and let out a chuckle, which only confused him. ‘Wait, so is he into that?’
Before he could ask another question, their server came with their sandwiches, but Armin saw her hesitation when she glanced at their hands resting upon one another. Jean pulled away and reached for both of their plates, and he stared at his hands, missing the feelings of Jean’s resting on his own. They thanked their server, but Armin couldn’t help but question what Jean’s type was. ‘When did it change?’ His phone went off, pulling him out of his thoughts and he pulled it out, only to be met with Eren’s name attached to caller ID.
“Let me guess, Eren?” Jean gave him a knowing look and his finger hovered over the green button. Before he could dreadfully accept the call, Jean snatched the phone from him and denied the call, then slipped it inside his coat. “Problem solved!”
“Jean, rejecting the call doesn’t solve the problem, now hand me back my phone,” Being mad was the only appropriate response, but there was a small tint of relief. Rejecting Eren’s call was the last thing he should’ve been doing, but there was still a part of him that was still furious with the brunette.
“Hand you back your phone so Eren can talk you into cleaning up one of his messes after he practically disappeared on you?” Jean scoffed. “Yeah, alright.”
“It’s not as bad as it sounds.”
“So him leaving you to worry for two weeks without a single message or a call to let you know that he’s alright isn’t bad?”
“Well-”
“Especially after accusing Mikasa and you of not understanding him and then he comes back and questions why you’re being cold to him and then you explain yourself and then he gets mad at you and pushes you away.”
“Actually...” He went through his brain trying to find the best way to explain the situation, but came up with nothing. “Okay, well maybe it’s not the ideal situation, but it still doesn’t mean I should ignore his calls.”
“Sure it does!” Jean gave him a tight smile. “I just did it-”
“Okay, but when I get back, he’s going to be there-”
“If he shows up at home since he practically lives with Floch now, you can always come and stay with me, you know Conny loves having you over.”
He sighed longingly, considering the idea. “Is running away from issues how you solve your issues?”
“Not usually, but everyone needs a break and especially you.”
“I don’t need a break, I need to figure out what I’m going to do with everything,” He sighed, stressfully, but smiled at the ash-haired brunette. “Tell me about your new art project you’re working on.” He watched Jean’s cheeks turn a light pink and he beamed. He could listen to Jean talk about his interests all day, whether it be cooking, learning a new song on his guitar, or a new art project, and the best part of it all watching the light shine in Jean’s beautiful eyes.
“I was thinking of just doing scenery, but then I realized something,” Jean lightly scoffed, but his smile came back. “I don’t think you understand how much power your face holds?”
“I…” He pointed to himself with his thumb. “Me?”
“Yes, you Armin Arlert!”
“Are you trying to tell me my face is repulsive?” He placed a hand on his cheek and pursed his lips, attempting to find a response. “I understand my face looks odd-”
“Armin, I’m trying to tell you how good you look,” Jean let out a nervous laugh and he blushed, feeling embarrassed at his conclusion. “Why would I call you ugly?”
“Well, you look at me so much and I guess I assumed you would just get annoyed looking at me-”
“I will never get sick of looking at you, you weirdo.”
‘Is this... flirting?’ He scratched his ear, turning red. “What do my looks have anything to do with your art-”
“Be my muse!”
“Your what?”
“My muse, my art inspiration-”
“Jean, sorry to break it to you, but I have nothing worth calling inspirational-”
“Have you seen yourself?” Jean sighed, resting his chin on his hand. “You have golden blond hair, gorgeous hazel eyes, and a smile anyone would fall for…” Jean looked away from him and he watched the ash-haired brunette's cheeks turn crimson red. “You look like an angel.”
That comment took him by surprise and he was left speechless as an odd silence fell between the both of them. His heart raced as his palms became a little sweatier than before, and he swallowed nervously. ‘Crap... why does my stomach feel so light…’ It was just a minor compliment that strangers even told him, but hearing it from Jean made him feel the same emotion he felt when they were back in the office. “Are you calling me an angel?”
“I said you look like one, by no means are you an angel,” Jean chuckled, shaking his head as the red on his cheeks faded. “You’re like a little demon in the body of a really cute guy-”
“Did you just call me a demon?”
“Yep!”
“What have I done to warrant such a title?” He couldn’t help but chuckle at the nickname.
“You told me I was pronouncing epitome for a whole day and I said it wrong during a presentation.”
“Reading everyone’s notes on how you said epitome was truly the highlight of my day.” He muttered, reminiscing on the memory.
“Oh, but that’s just one of the few pranks you pulled-”
“You aren’t innocent either!” He pointed at Jean. “You are the same person who put handprints on the back of my car and wrote help me-”
Jean laughed, and he rolled his own eyes, but let out a laugh as well. As embarrassing as that memory was, it was one of his favorite ones, but then again, every memory of Jean was his favorite one. He didn't know how much spending time with Jean meant to him until Jean had called out for a whole month and he faced complete misery for a whole month without him.
Calling the worst month of his life was probably an over-exaggeration, but it felt dreadful going to work knowing his favorite person wouldn’t be there. If he could have a life where he was with Jean 24/7, he would choose it in a heartbeat... and that thought terrified him, but Jean was worth that weird leap of faith. Living with Jean alone was something he thought about more than he wanted to admit, even if that was a future he couldn’t achieve... Because eventually Jean would soon find the person he wanted to be with and he would be stuck running a business that only felt like a disservice to his life-
“Are you thinking of him?” Jean leaned back in the booth chair with an odd expression that he couldn’t read. It always made him feel slightly uneasy when he couldn’t read Jean because he couldn't tell if Jean was upset or if something was wrong. Especially since Jean had a horrible habit of keeping his issues to himself. It bothered him to no end when Jean kept to himself because Jean had always been there for him and all he wanted to do was always be there for Jean. ‘I think about him a lot…’
“Who?”
“Your crush, duh!”
“Oh, you’re still on about that?” He placed his arms on the table and leaned forward as a devious idea came to him. “Trust me, you can’t guess who he is.”
“Do I know him at least?” Jean gave him a thoughtful look, but it still lacked its usual enthusiasm. He nodded with a shrug and resisted cracking even a sliver of a smile. “Okay, well, what does he look like?”
“Light brunette hair, really nice eyes, and he’s got a very nice body-” He froze at his last comment, but relaxed when he remembered just how clueless Jean was. “Yeah, really built, really tall, firm arms-”
“Okay geez, I get it,” Jean replied with a hint of frustration, and his change of attitude concerned him a little. One minute he was interested in knowing about who he was crushing on, the next he was getting frustrated. ‘Did I make him... jealous?’ That thought alone was something he didn’t expect because, realistically, there wasn’t a solid reason for Jean to be jealous... unless Jean might’ve cared because he liked him back.
“Well, do you want to know anything else?” He observed Jean’s facial expression and felt a little guilty for putting him through this turmoil, but he couldn’t help but find minor humor in it.
“What’s this dude like?” The ash-haired brunette crossed his arms and noted hoe Jean was attempting to act nonchalant, but his body language was tenser than before.
“He’s smart and knows how to think on his feet, he’s supportive and always knows how to make me feel good, he has the best sense of humor and I just feel…” He smiled softly, letting out a soft sigh. “Overall one of the best things that’s ever happened to me-”
“You love him…” Jean muttered in a mournful tone. “Well, why haven’t I met this dude and why haven’t I ever heard you talk about him?”
“Because I didn’t realize it until today,” He frowned, tapping the table until another idea came to him. “It doesn’t matter though-”
“Why not?”
“Because I doubt we’ll ever be together, so who cares,”
“Does this person make you happy?” He tilted his head, confused at the comment, but nodded. “Then it does matter because the world is a weird place and it’s hard to be happy so if someone in your life helps you with that happiness take that chance in being with them, you know?” Jean looked out the window and he felt the air between them tense up. Jean gave good advice, but his dismissiveness was alarming and unusual.
He let out a deep breath, reaching for Jean’s hands, and messed with his fingers. “You know what else makes me happy?”
“My fingers?”
“Well, I was going to say you, but they’re a part of you, so yeah!” He rubbed his knuckles and spotted a small smile grace Jean’s lips, and he felt a tad bit better. “Jean, no matter what happens with us, you’ll always be the first person who makes me happy.”
“Why’re you saying it like you’re going somewhere?” Jean seemed to be in a better mood than before and it lightened his mood. “I already told you, wherever you go, I go.”
“Of course,” He bit his lip with a smile and already knew he had turned a dark shade of red. After another 5 minutes, they finished their meal and headed out, but he patted his pockets, looking for his phone. ‘Jean has it maybe?’ He reached for Jean’s pocket, but the ash-haired brunette moved away.
“At least take me on a date,” Jean sat on the hood of the car and quickly grabbed his hands, intertwining them. “What do you need your phone for?” They were pressed chest to chest and a part of him didn’t have the energy to break away from the contact.
“Just in case.”
“Nothing is going to go wrong, my beloved.”
The nickname had caught him off guard for a minute, then he took in their intimate pose. ‘Only couples say those things… and only couples hold hands like this…’ He needed to pull away, but indulged in Jean’s arms for just a minute and settled his chin on his chest. The blond peered up and Jean faced him, and once again, their lips were merely inches away. ‘I would give anything to be the only person to kiss him…’ His intimate thoughts intruded his brain again and he frowned, pulling away.
“What’s wrong?” Jean sounded alarmed and he furrowed his eyebrows, confused by his thoughts. “Are you stressed about Eren again?”
‘No, I’m stressed because I want to make out with you…’ He nearly choked on his spit at his thought and Jean gave him an even more confused look. “No, it’s just…” Jean slid away from him, pointing for him to get into the car, and he did so without hesitation. “Where are we going?”
“We’re going to the place I like to go when I need to get my mind off of random stuff.”
“Is it like a secret hide-out?”
“Sure…”
It was the park. It was empty, but it was still just the park. “What’s so secret about the park?” He hopped out of the car, waiting outside the door, and met up with Jean in front of the car. “Well?”
“Well, let’s go!” Jean dragged him to the swing set and motioned for him to sit down. “Let me push you on the swing, darling.”
Armin was on the verge of questioning the ash-haired brunette why he coined that nickname for him, but he was afraid Jean would refrain from ever calling him such a pet name and kept the question to himself. He sat on the swing and jumped a little when he felt Jean’s hands around his waist, but relaxed as Jean touched him.
If he was being honest, he thought the idea of going to the park seemed a little ridiculous, but he was regretting those thoughts. Being here was a lot more calming to him than he expected, even if Jean wasn’t speaking to him directly as of right now. The silence between the both of them was a comfortable one, and these were the moments he cherished the most.
After 10 minutes, he felt the swing getting slower and realized Jean had stopped pushing him. “Why’d you stop?”
“Will you follow me to another spot?”
“Is this an actual hiding spot?” He stretched, standing up from the swing, and casually followed him.
“If you want to consider it, then yeah!” They trekked through a few trees and bushes and ended up near a small cliff where the view of the city was as perfect as it could get. “Well-”
“Oh, my gosh!” The city lights slowly appeared as the sun set perfectly, along with the buildings and houses. “How did you find out about this spot?”
“Well, Marco and I used to come here…” Jean scratched the back of his head and there was a weird silence between the both of them, but it always came between the both of them when Marco was mentioned because of how personal the subject was. Even though Jean hardly brought up Marco, Armin knew that the ash-haired brunette thought of him daily and he couldn’t blame him. Eren and he had their rough patches, but he couldn’t bear the thought of ever losing his best friend and on some days he questioned how Jean could go about his day, but Jean’s strength was one thing that made him Jean... and he loved him for it. ‘Here we go again with the love word…’
“I don’t know how you’re able to get through the day,” He muttered loosely, then turned to look at Jean with a remorseful look. “I’m sorry, I’m not saying that like you mentally can’t it’s just-”
“It’s fine,” Jean sat down on the grass and he followed suit, bringing his knees to his chest. “People still ask me that, it’s okay.” Armin wasn’t surprised that Jean could laugh off the question and sometimes it worried him how often he laughed off things like this.
“Does the pain ever go away?” He plucked at the grass and twiddled it around his fingers.
“Honestly, no, but you learn to live with it.” Jean let out a huff. “It’s complicated because some days I feel like I can’t do this anymore and some days I feel like the only reason I’m still going is that he would’ve wanted me too, so it depends.” The thought of Jean waking up every morning only because it feels like an obligation to him, rather than because he wanted to was a dark thought to process, and it made him remorseful for asking the question. “Wait, don’t be sad, it’s not like that anymore.” Jean pulled him into his arms and he didn’t have the strength to leave as his mind still processed Jean’s words.
His brain seemed on auto-pilot when blurted the next words, but that seemed to be a common theme with him today. “Did you love him?”
“Well…” Jean nodded, letting out a tired huff. “Yeah, a lot.” The confession made his heart fill with pain, but he couldn’t tell if it was because Jean lost someone he loved or because Jean had loved someone. “And I guess the fact that I loved him and he died so young made everything hurt even more because I sort of just thought love was useless since I felt like he was the only person I could love.”
“So, do you think you could love someone again?”
“I might already love someone,” Jean shrugged casually, while he reeled in from the confession.
“Wait, what?” He pulled away, turning to look at him suspiciously. ‘Did he just admit to loving someone?’ Jean gave him an odd look, but his stomach churned. “Did you just admit to-”
“I meant it as a maybe, but-”
“Wait, for how long?”
“For how long, what?”
“How long have you loved this person?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes!” He blurted. He felt nothing more than bitterness and betrayal, but he couldn’t pinpoint why. It’s not like Jean and he were a couple, so he had no reason to be hurt... yet he couldn’t help it.
“I’ve known for a while-”
“What about all the dates you went on?”
“I thought those dates would help me get rid of these feelings, it only got worse, so I stopped going because it was clear my brain only wants to be with this person.”
He needed to stop asking questions to spare his own heart, but his brain wasn’t listening to him. “And do you think this person might share the same feelings?”
“Honestly, yeah, but they also seem confused and I don’t want them to feel pressured into returning my feelings, you know?” Jean grinned at him, and for once, he wanted to smack the stupid grin right off his face and leave... but that was an irrational thought because he had no reason to be mad at Jean. It wasn’t Jean’s fault that he had fallen for him and wanted to spend the rest of their days together, and neither was it Jean’s fault that he created marriage scenarios in his head. ‘This is my fault... for actually thinking something would work out for me…’
“How often do you dream about running away?” Jean surveyed his nails and he slumped his shoulders, feeling defeated, confused, and most of all, rejected. ‘Leave it to Jean to drop a bomb and move on like its nothing…’ He felt a hand through his hair stressfully. ‘I hate that about him and I hate him...' He mourned mentally... except that was a lie. No matter how weird things got, he could never fully hate Jean. The only person he could hate right now was himself. ‘I hate dreaming…’
“I dream about it every day because I feel so tied down to this place and I’ll always have pressure on me, especially from work…” He let out a bitter laugh without meaning to. “But it doesn’t matter how much I dream because none of them will ever come true…”
“That’s a little pessimistic, don’t you think?”
He shrugged, ignoring the concern on Jean’s face, and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Well, we should probably get going since I think I left my house keys at the office.” He stood up, ignoring Jean, and headed straight through the path they came from. He had no right being an asshole to one of the few people who understood him, but the pain was too hard to mask.
When they made it to the car, the tension thickened as Jean started the car and he turned to look out the window. “So where did you want to go after you fid your key?”
“Home, I'm tired.” His tone came out harsher than he wanted it to, but it was too late.
A tense silence had settled between the both of them and he was partially disappointed that Jean had remained quiet through the whole car ride. When they reached their company building, he hopped out without a word, but was surprised to see Jean following him.
“What’re you doing?”
“I'm going to help you go look for your house key.”
They stared at each other and he wanted to reject the offer, but he still craved Jean’s presence, even amid his pain. He nodded, turning around and unlocked the main door with his keys and they looked around to make sure the janitor had exited. “So it’s either at my desk or in the office.” They silently headed upstairs into the meeting room and he searched the area, ignoring Jean’s presence.
“Well, are you just going to stand there-”
“Why’re you mad at me?” Jean crossed his arms and leaned on the door frame. He peeked at him and turned around to face the whiteboard, unsure of what to say. ‘I forgot how well he could read me…’ He wanted to hash out the issue, but that meant accepting where his anger came from... and he didn’t want to admit that Jean loved someone else. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and tell him he wasn’t mad at him, which was the truth, but his mouth refused to move. “Is this because I didn’t tell you I love someone?” He flinched at the acquisition and balled up his fist.
“No, now can we please look for my keys”
“You’re lying,” Jean muttered, making his way towards him and he turned to face him and backed away before he could get to him. “Armin, if that’s the issue, I have to tell you something-”
“Well, maybe I am mad at you for telling me who you love!” He blurted, throwing his fist by his side. “You can’t flirt with me constantly, then pull away and tell me you’re in love with someone!” His mouth was working on auto-pilot as he seethed.
“Armin-”
“Nothing you say or do even makes sense!” He laughed bitterly, jabbing a finger into Jean’s chest causing him to take a small step back. “One minute you’re flirting with me and being all touchy and making us seem like we’re a couple, then the next you’re talking about getting another girl's number and admitting that you’re in love with someone!” He stressfully felt a hand through his hair, letting out an annoyed groan. “What the hell do you want from me-”
His sentence was cut short as Jean grabbed his forearm and pressed their lips together. The butterflies in his stomach fluttered rapidly, as the nauseous built up from the shock. ‘Jean is kissing me!’ To his disappointment, Jean pulled away, giving him a shocked look. He peered into Jean’s eyes,looking for answers,but saw even more confusion, and realized Jean kissed him on a whim.
“Look, I know I’m confusing, and I’m sorry because the last thing I want to do is confuse you, but you and I both know I’m not the best with these things and I dropped hints as best as I could-” Every word Jean said flew out his brain and he shook his head, pulling Jean back into a kiss. ‘He’s too tall…’ He kept their lips intact, switching their positions, and sat Jean on the desk. ‘That’s better…’ He slipped his tongue straight into Jean’s mouth, carding his fingers through his hair, and immediately took control. His mind worked 100 miles per hour as the heat between them grew, and felt Jean wrap his arms around his waist, bringing him closer.
Jean pulled away, pressing their foreheads together, as they both exchanged a few glances between each other, catching their breath. Jean caressed his cheek and he leaned into the touch, placing his hand on Jean’s. “Armin…”
“Jean…” He whispered back, giving him a small smile.
“Runaway with me.”
He chuckled at Jean’s words, waiting for him to follow suit, but Jean’s cheeks turned an even darker shade of red and he frowned. “You’re being serious…” He released Jean’s hands and moved away from the hand that once caressed him. “Jean…”
“I mean it, Min,” Jean sighed tiredly, pulling a familiar piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolded it. “Look, I know you joke about running away, but we could do it and you deserve a break-”
“And you think running away is the solution?” He stepped back, crossing his arms. “Are you mocking me?”
“I would never…” Jean looked offended at his comment, but he continued to frown.
“Then why would you suggest such a childish idea?” He hugged himself, turning away from the hurt look on Jean’s face, and shook his head in disapproval. “I already told you, those were just dreams-”
Jean placed a hand on his shoulder and he wanted to brush it away, but he craved the small bit of comfort he was being given. “Yeah, but we can make them reality if-”
“If I what?”
“If you just trust me.”
He opened his mouth to shut down the idea, but no words came out because deep down, he was unsure of what to say or feel. One minute they were kissing, the next, Jean was proposing a preposterous idea that had 0 logic behind it. Jean had admitted to not mocking him, but it didn’t make him less annoyed that he would suggest such an idea. Not only was the idea unobtainable, but executing the idea wouldn’t even be possible because running away was overall an illogical idea. ‘He said he wanted me to have a break…’ His anger simmered down at Jean’s words. It was clear Jean was only doing this out of the goodness of his heart, but Jean just didn’t understand that people like him didn’t just “get a break.”
“Jean, this plan lacks logic-”
“Then let’s be illogical,” Jean turned him around and reached for his hands, caressing his knuckles. “For once in your life Armin put yourself first and stop thinking about others or how something is going to turn out when you're removed from the situation.” Jean pressed small kisses on his knuckles and stared deeply into his eyes. “And you won’t have to worry about being alone because I will drop everything right now if it means following you everywhere.”
Jean’s words pierced through his heart, and he bit his lips, holding back tears. All he had ever wanted in his adult life was to experience a life of no expectations, and here Jean was presenting him with the choice of just simply being, but he knew deep down, he couldn’t accept it and it pained him to admit it. He snatched his hands away from Jean and received a pained look that made him more uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Jean, but he needed Jean to understand the situation at hand.
“You don’t get it, Jean, don’t be an idiot.” His voice wavered, but he cleared his throat, trying to sound firm. “I don’t get to just leave and take a break from my responsibilities like you do.” He noted the deep frown on Jean’s face and immediately regretted his words. ‘Why did I say that…’ He became irritated with himself and turned to face the whiteboard, but he peeked his key.
Jean shrugged in defeat and looked down at the marble tile. “Yeah, you’re right I don’t understand, but I’ve been working with you for so long now and you don’t understand how much it concerns me knowing how wound up and stressed out you get about this, and yeah, you’re right, running away is a horrible idea, but I’d rather stick with a horrible plan knowing you’re happy than see you go down this plan of yours that’ll cause you to hate your life,” He heard the irritation in Jean’s voice and the sound of the door opening caught his attention, causing him to turn around. “And if wanting these things for you makes me an idiot, then I guess I’m an idiot for loving you and wanting the best for you.” The door slammed shut and he stood in shock, staring at the space Jean once occupied.
‘Oh, my god…’ His mind blanked at the confession. ‘He loves me?’ He reached his hand out for the door and his heart fell into his stomach. “Jean, please come back, I didn’t mean it,” He murmured.
He smacked his forehead with his palm and stepped back until his back met the wall. ‘I’m an idiot…’ All the signs were right in front of him, but he was too wrapped up in his own issues to notice. ‘He just said he’ll drop everything for you...’ His mind jogged up every memory that involved their interaction and he felt as if he was punched in the gut at one particular memory. ‘His type is 5’6 with blond hair and hazel eyes…’ He groaned in pure frustration. ‘He was talking about me!’
He patted his pockets, searching for his phone. ‘Jean has it still…’ There was a small spark of excitement knowing that he had an actual excuse to see Jean, but it died down as soon as he realized he did not know what he was going to say. He snatched the key off from its spot and hurried out the doors with one person on his mind.
As he drove home, his mind remained on nothing else other than Jean’s confession. ‘Jean loves me!’ His mind replayed the event and it made his heart swell each time he remembered it. He parked his car in its usual spot and nearly ran into his front door, but to his surprise, Eren opened it.
“Dude, I’ve been calling you all night!” There was genuine worry in Eren’s tone, but he disregarded the brunette and marched past him. “Armin, I’m talking to you-”
“Jean has my phone,” He went straight to his room, grabbing two backpacks. He hastily snatched his clothes and his mind entered auto-pilot as he pushed past Eren, searching every corner of his room for anything of importance.
“Are you even listening to me?” Eren sighed, reaching to touch his shoulder, but he moved from his grasp and headed straight for the door. “Where are you going, we need to talk?”
“I…” He let out a laugh and felt a weird sense of relief wash over him. “I honestly don’t know where I’m going or what I’m about to do, but it’s okay.” He gave Eren one last smile before carelessly opening the door and shutting on Eren mid-conversation. He stared at the door, feeling as if a piece of him was cut off, but dashed down the stairs and straight to the sidewalk. ‘I don’t know what I’m about to do... but it’s okay…’ He let out a sigh, reassuring himself and his mind worked on autopilot as he ran to the only pair of arms that knew him better than anyone.
He hadn’t realized that he had reached Jean’s apartment until he knocked harshly on the door while catching his breath. ‘I forgot I practically called him an idiot, what if he changes his mind-’ The door clicked open and Jean stared at him with a bored look and he hesitated for a moment, but squeezed his fist defiantly. Although he couldn’t get a proper read on Jean’s face, he refused to let his fear get in the way.
“Oh yeah, I forgot I had you-”
“I’m sorry!” He stared at Jean, who looked even more confused, and he quickly turned red from the silence that fell between the both of them. ‘Maybe this was a bad idea…. but… I don’t want to leave just yet…’
“What’re you on about?”
“In the meeting room, I didn’t mean to call you an idiot and get mad at you, I was just mad at myself and everything you said because…” He slumped his shoulders, still feeling unsure of himself, but he didn’t allow his doubt to get to him. “I was mad at you because you suggested running away and-”
“Yeah, about that…” Jean dragged him into his living room and he dropped the backpack from his shoulders and onto the floor, feeling the uncertainty come back into his stomach. Out of all the things he thought through, maybe this was one thing he needed to think about more. Not only had he insulted Jean, but he yelled at him even when he didn’t deserve it. ‘I was stupid for thinking that Jean would ever want to put up with me again…’ He sat on the cushioned couch and made the first move of placing a hand on Jean’s thigh and to his surprise, Jean didn't shoo him away. “You were right, I was an idiot, and I was being selfish in suggesting that running away from your problems was even a good idea.” Jean’s voice carried genuine remorse, making him feel even more guilty than before.
He squeezed his thigh and reached for his hands. “Please don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong.”
“But-”
“No, Jean, you were right…” He clenched his jaw, staring at Jean’s hands that were within his own. “I’m so sick of all this pressure coming from everyone and I’m tired of everyone putting me on this stupid pedestal and I’m tired of being afraid to fail and I just…” He hadn’t realized he was crying until Jean used a thumb to wipe away a tear. “I just want to run away with you for as ever long as I want and never look back.” He let out an accidental sob and felt his cheeks warm up as he used his sleeves to wipe his tears. He felt even more embarrassed at Jean’s stare and dropped his hands, scooting an inch away from him. ‘I can’t believe I just cried over that!’ Jean patted his thigh, standing from the chair.
“Give me a minute,” Jean pulled his phone from his pocket and tossed it onto his lap before heading into the room and closing the door. He stared at the door expecting him to come out, but 1 minute turned into 5 minutes and 5 minutes turned into 10 minutes. He sighed, standing up from the chair, making his way to the bedroom door, and knocked three times before the door opened.
Jean opened the door, adjusting his beanie, and walked right past him. “Alright, let’s go!” he stared aimlessly at Jean, but followed him to the door and picked up his backpack. “We can just throw everything in the back and go from there, how does that sound?”
“I…” He grabbed onto Jean’s sleeve. “Are we doing this?”
“Hell yeah,” Jean’s enthusiasm gave him more reassurance than before and he couldn’t help but smile. “Now that’s the smile I want to see more of.” Jean winked at him and his cheeks warmed up as he followed him out the door. They walked down the stairs in silence, as his mind still failed to wrap itself around the idea of them running away. ‘We’re really about to do it…’ He expected to feel a dread knowing that they were about to enter a world of uncertainty, but for the first time in his life, he felt a weight lift off his shoulders.
“Wait,” Jean stopped in his tracks, giving him a wounded look. “Wait, before we go, I think you should tell that guy you love him?”
“Huh?”
“Today at the restaurant you were talking about this dude you loved…”
“And you think I should tell him before we go?” Jean nodded at him, but he caught an envious look in his eyes and let out a laugh. ‘He doesn’t even know that he’s jealous of himself….’
“Yeah, you’re right, I feel bad because he told me and I said nothing back.” He opened the car doors and threw his backpack in. “And to make matters worse, we had an amazing make-out session and honestly, I would love to do it again.”
“Okay, jeez, I get it.” Jean waved his hand at him, clearly irritated. “But if we run away and you tell him you love him and love you, won’t that prevent us from leaving?” Jean tapped his chin and Armin resisted the urge to pull him in for a kiss.
“It won’t stop us, because I’m leaving with him,” He smiled, leaning forward, waiting for Jean to catch on, but he still looked stressed out. “Jean, it’s you, I love you.” Watching the realization hit Jean was a whole other level of entertaining, and he placed a palm over his mouth, trying to hide his amusement. ‘He’s so cute when he’s clueless….’
“Wait, so everything you said at the restaurant was about me?” Jean pointed to himself with his thumb and he nodded, laughing even harder. “Didn’t know you thought that highly of me.”
“Watch it.” He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms, but his smile only grew wider.
“So, uh about that make-out session,” Jean placed his hands around his waist, pulling him in closer. “Want to continue it?”
“You’re so annoying…” He pressed Jean against the car and he pressed his lips against Jean’s, snaking his arms around his neck. Even though the kiss didn’t match the one they had in the office, it was more passionate and tender, and it filled him with warmth. Jean pulled away, giving him one last peck on the lips before going to the driver's side of the car and they hopped in, with thoughts only about each other. “Can’t believe we’re doing this…”
“I can’t either,” Jean started the car and placed a comforting hand on his thigh. “But I meant what I said in the office about wanting to take care of you,” They gazed into each other's eyes and he swooned, staring deeper into Jean’s eyes as a familiar feeling came to him. Trust. He had no clue what he was doing or where they were going, but if there was one thing he knew, it was that he could trust Jean and that was the only thing the mattered. Not work or Eren... just Jean. ‘I really love him…’ He blushed at his thoughts and felt even more admiration for the brunette in the driver’s seat.
As they drove out into the road, they passed by his apartment with Eren and their workplace, and he couldn’t help but feel as if he was releasing a bigger part of him he never wanted to deal with, to begin with. ‘Is this what freedom feels like?’ He turned to look at Jean, who was rambling about a movie he saw, and started laughing. Something unfamiliar was bubbling inside of him. He couldn’t quite identify what it was, but he enjoyed the carefree feeling and it continued to grow within him. ‘I feel okay... we’re going to be okay… ’
“So, as your assistant, where should we visit first?”
“You’re not my assistant anymore,” He kissed Jean’s knuckles. “You’re my boyfriend.” Jean made an “o” shape with his mouth and intertwined their fingers.
“Yeah, I like that title better.” Jean opened the sunroof of his car and he spotted the night sky and saw more stars appear as they drove further out. “Well?” Jean gave him a lopsided grin as he unbuckled his seat belt. “Where to?”
“Anywhere,” He rose from the seat, sticking his body out the sunroof, and turned to face the passing trees and the city they once lived in, now just a memory. If you were to ask him last week where he expected to be in 4 years, he would’ve responded with his typical “I’m going to be president of this company,” but that wasn’t the case anymore. He wasn’t “soon to be president Armin Arlert”... He was just Armin Arlert and for once he looked forward to uncertainty with the one person he trusted the most. ‘As long as I have Jean, I’ll be okay…’ He faced forward, throwing his arms up and allowing the strong breeze to blow through. “Anywhere, but here.”