Chapter Text
I wish I could stop myself
You gotta tell me there’s nothing there (nothing there)
I don’t want nobody else
Hoping one day you might care (yea yea yea)
He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment it had happend, whether it had been straight from the first introduction of each other (and the others, of course them as well, but he might have been a bit more captivated by him, don’t tell the other members) and he just hadn’t realised what the feeling at that time meant or how large it would grow and how quickly it would consume him alive. Or maybe it happend gradually over time as he got to know him more and more, how they grew closer despite their different personalities, him an extrovert that loved everyone loudly and him, more of an introvert that showed his love for the ones he cared of, quietly but once you knew how to see it, he loved just as loud.
Taehyung himself would happily declare his love anywhere and at anytime, no care in the world who heard. He was a bit more cautious of who was around and always chose the right timings where he knew it meant the most. Some had the idea that he acted like that because of how he had to uphold the harsh tongue and cold exterior but no, Taehyung knew it was because he preferred to keep his love private to the ones that it was towards, it wasn’t anyone’s business. He wasn’t ashamed, sure he was easy to fluster (and fuck if Taehyung didn’t love to get the other to do it as much as he could, just to see the pretty red blooming on the apples of his cheeks) he just wasn’t one for too much PGA.
Sometimes it was just simply putting his hand at the curve of Taehyung’s waist, when he could tell the younger was restless, a gentle touch to ground him to the ground… and unknowingly to him, just as much.
Sometimes it was when Taehyung grew frustrated of the lyrics he always tried so hard to put together so he could finish his long awaited mixtape. When the words wouldn’t fit together or it didn’t sound right, the right meaning not coming through. He would invite him to his studio and they’d be there for hours, he would just listen to Taehyung, reasure him and offer his advice. Encourage Taehyung to be prouder of himself because he was.
And sometimes it was by letting the younger get away with far too much despite looking like he was about to jump out of the nearest window, he’d complain and playfully push Taehyung away but wouldn’t actively stop the younger from latching back onto him. He’d indulge him and later when they were in private, tease Taehyung endlessly for being clingy and needy but never showing any bad emotion towards wanting him to lay off.
And as a result Taehyung would only fall harder and deeper, and there was probably nothing more to it than a hyung being caring towards his dongsang. A friend being there for another.
Voices saying, just hold back
And erase the heart drawn on your sleeve
I won’t stop wishing, wishing for you to be my baby
Ha! Then watch you come to me
Sometimes he considered toning it down. Not because he was scared of getting caught of crushin- no, loving, the other, sure he feared the possible rejection that could follow it, but no, he loved making the older aware that he meant more to him, differently than how he cared for the others. Jimin knew, of course he did, they were soulmates after all but he was pretty sure that he wasn’t the only member to realise what was happening, as long as it wasn’t the person of the interest, or the fans though the armies were pretty perspective, then he wasn’t too worried.
He considered it more because he was scared of how much it was consuming him that sometimes it felt like he was drowning and he was happily letting it happen, unsure if he’d ever reach the surface again.
This way he could just pretend.
You got me daydreamin’
That’s all I got, all I got
Daydreamin’
Of what I want, what I want
Daydreamin’
That’s all I got, all I got
I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know, know
I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know, know
“Taehyungie, are you okay? You’ve been unusually quiet, for you, you know,” Yoongi teased him when Taehyung hadn’t said much during their recent interview, too busy daydreaming about how handsome the older was looking today. About how the shirt fitted just right, not too tight but tight enough to get an idea of the lean muscle hidden beneath the god damn fabric.
“I think I even said more than you did!” Yoongi continued, the others were laughing and joking about how if they had switched bodies but upon really looking at Yoongi (he had tried to avoid eye contact in fear of blushing for his sinful thoughts, what if Yoongi had suddenly gained the ability to read minds?) but one look and he could easily see the concern swimming in the other's eyes, his features still neutral in only a way Suga could do.
“Of course Yoongi-hyung, I’m just a bit in my head today but I promise I’m fine!” He flashed him his signature boxy smile and hoped the other would let it be. He looked at the others lazing around the room; Jin and Jungkook play fighting in the corner to wear of the post interview energy, Jin loudly exclaiming that the youngest lacked in respect towards the elders as Jungkook locked him in an armlock.
Hoseok was sprawled across one of the couches, an arm thrown over his eyes as he tried to find a minutes worth of rest before the next interview that was lined up, the endless of lists of interview after interview, talkshow after news show, for promoting their newest single, would start.
Namjoon was discussing with the staff members, making sure that everything was ready and probably being the caring leader that he was, trying to win his members a little more of rest time.
Jimin, Jimin was staring right at Taehyung, a small smile on his face and a knowing look in his eyes that told Taehyung that he’d definitely be cornering him later for a talk. Jimin was always there for Taehyung, letting him ramble about his love for their hyung and trying his best to encourage him to just go for it.
“Taetae, even if hyung didn’t return your feelings, you know that he’d let you down so gently and hate himself for it, he wouldn’t allow anything to change the way he cares for you either way. Maybe you should just do it so you could either get what you want or be able to start to move on in a healthy way. It breaks my heart sometimes to see you so sad when you love too much. The time that that girl asked Yoongi-hyung for a dance, you nearly glared a hole through the poor girl’s head! Hyung didn’t see because he’s an oblivious idiot but it was pretty clear you were jealous, Tae…”
“I know Jiminie… I just… I don’t wanna move on, I don’t want anyone but Yoongi.”
Taehyung knew he was in too deep, too deep in to be pulled out easily without it’d hurt him in some way.
And Yoongi, Yoongi was curled up on the side of the couch, his phone ever present in his hand as he scrolled through Twitter for trying to keep up with their fans reactions. To anyone who didn’t know him, he’d look reserved and like he was trying to ignore the others, but Yoongi was probably the one that knew the most of what was happening around him, heavily aware of his members movement and actions. No one else had really commented on Taehyung’s behaviour today but they had exchanged a few looks when he had missed a second question aimed for him, in a row, his mind faraway than from where it was actually supposed to be. He’d have to pull himself together or else Namjoon would be giving him a telling for sure. A soft one but he always made the point across, and then he’d question Taehyung on his health, was he eating right? Sleeping enough?
Namjoon was their leader as well as their friend and he’d perfected the way to uphold both. He’d fight for his members but he was also the one to keep the other six in order.
Later when they were getting up and heading for the next stage for their interview, Yoongi would guide Taehyung loving with a hand on the small of his back, bringing Taehying back to the present with him.
Imagination running wild, running wild
And then realize this ain’t real, real, real, real
Please just hit me with the truth, truth
It really hurts if it’s all I feel
On the harder days, Taehyung would wish that Yoongi could see it and end his misery quick but lovingly in only a way that Yoongi could do. He wouldn’t shower Taehyung in pity but rather be hard on himself for not actually returning the younger’s feelings. You couldn’t force yourself to feel something you didn’t and Taehyung could never hate his hyung for it either. Neither did he think he’d ever fully stop loving his first love, but he could store that away in his heart for himself to know. It would hurt, yes, a fucking lot, but at least then he could start to return to himself and work on maintaining their friendship; he’d never lose that or jeopardise the group. They’d worked too hard for his feelings to fuck it up.
Voices saying, just hold back
And erase the heart drawn on your sleeve, your sleeve
I won’t stop wishing, wishing for you’re my baby
I want you here with me
It wasn’t until a particular hard night after an evening or friendly drinking and drunken games between the seven of them and Jimin holding him through the night and begging his soulmate to take care of himself, you’re giving yourself away too much Taetae and it’s killing you slowly, I’m afraid, please, please, it needs to get better, if not for yourself, then do it for me please, that Taehyung decided something needed to give.
It had started when they had played truth or dare and it had been Jin’s turn that his eyes landed on Yoongi, a mischievous glint in the oldest eyes as he asked the traditional question.
“Truth or dare Yoonie?” Yoongi as always scoffed at the nickname but didn’t correct the drunken hyung and drawled his answer.
“Truth I suppose, I can’t be bothered with a dare if it means movement.” Hoseok and Jimin had laughed at the reply, Hoseok clapping his hands as his loud laugh rung through the apartment and Jimin giggling wildly and falling over Jungkook’s lap.
“Are you… are you… ah! I got it, are you currently crushing on anyone?” Jin wiggled his eyebrows comically while the others oohed.
Yoongi never answered but they all knew his answer well enough when a blush lit up his cheeks, his bored expression growing flustered at the question; they all knew the answer.
Taehyung knew the answer.
Yoongi liked someone.
The next morning, Taehyung had washed his tear streaking cheeks and decided that he had to give up on the older. Yoongi wasn’t a loud lover in the same way as him, Taehyung having sometimes shamelessly flirting with him in a hope that the other would catch a hint; he never did. He showed his love like he always did, it never changed and nothing more happend, nothing that would indicate that Taehyung could be the lucky bastard of his hyung’s affections. In other words, he was almost 100% sure that he wasn’t the one Yoongi was interested in.
No one had ever seen Yoongi flirt, even as drunk, almost always cool and composed and keeping his feelings under wrap if he didn’t wish to share them, so there was a small flame of hope, nothing enough to put him through the possible heartbreak though. At this rate, it’d kill him and then it’d bring him back just to kill him again from seeing how guilty Yoongi would feel.
You got me daydreamin’
That’s all I got, all I got
Daydreamin’
Of what I want, what I want
Daydreamin’
That’s all I got, all I got
I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know, know
I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know, know
I thought of leaving my heart away, yeah
I’m flirting, flirting
So he started to pull away. He was still close to Yoongi, still asked the older to tell him he loved him and still loved to fluster him, but he kept his distance. He still loved Yoongi as a friend and a band member as well, he just needed to separate him as that and the one he was endlessly in love with.
He wouldn’t touch the other as much, would try to stand next to someone else during photos or place himself the furthest away from him, even going as far as avoiding the older’s studio request when he found himself stuck at lyrics once again. Sometimes life would bullshit him and have the staff force him back to Yoongi’s side, claming it was to mix the difference between their heights, otherwise it’d look a little off; personally he liked to think that they knew and just wanted to torment him. Years of harbouring it, altering between flirting endlessly with an oblivious man and just trying to keep himself in check and randomly bursting it out, especially at the wrong time or worse; wrong place.
So Taehyung would hold his heart close until it mended enough to get through the day where Yoongi’s gummy heart didn’t bring butterflies up in his stomach, flapping their wings wildly or his laugh wouldn’t feeling like a stabbing in his heart. It hurt, fuck it hurt, but it’d be the best outcome for everyone… he hoped.
It was a relaxed evening of movies and a few shots of soju, nothing to get drunk by but just for the pleasant buzz after a long day. They were all exhausted and for once could look forward to a day off to sleep in and do whatever they wished without a camera filming their every move. A day to unwind and recharge for more of the lives of a group of idols. They wouldn’t trade it for the world though.
Taehyung had retired to his room, his bed calling his tired and aching body for a long cuddle in his blankets and face be buried in his pillows.
It hadn’t been a bad day, he’d gone the whole day with only once thinking of the desire of his heart, entertaining himself with Jimin and Jungkook to distract himself from falling. Actually he had only once looked purposefully towards Yoongi’s direction when Jimin had whispered that the older was acting a little off.
Deciding that since Yoongi was still his friend and he still cared for his well-being and always would, and how the older would have done the exact same for him if the roles were reversed, he noticed that Jimin was right.
It wasn’t by a lot, you’d have to squint to see it but when you had lived together for over 8 years, in even smaller quarters where you got to read everyone closely, know their likes and dislikes, it was easy to tell. Yoongi was a little more fidgety than normally, his cheeks red and he seemed… nervous, as if he was afraid of something that Taehyung could spend the rest of the day to try and figure out.
His phone was in his hand as usual but he wasn’t that into it as he normally was, his eyes kept flickering across the room, watching everything and more than once had his eyes connected with Taehyung and he’d quickly dug back down to look at his screen.
Odd.
Had he realised Taehyung’s feelings, after all this time and was now trying to avoid having to let him down?
Fuck.
He had pushed it to the back of his mind, it wouldn’t do him any good to pounder now, it’d distract him too much and he needed all his focus to get through the day.
So as he finally himself in bed, safe and sound to let it unwind, he let a few tears slip. Was this how it was going to be now? He had tried so hard to maintain the normality, even more so after forcing himself back, that the idea of Yoongi now doing the same, in a way that he probably thought was to help Taehyung, he wanted to scream. He needed Yoongi in his life in whatever way he could have him. Jimin was his soulmate and the others his best friends, all of them his family but Yoongi… Yoongi was his person, there was no denying it. He could learn to live with only having it like this but his heart would never give up on the other, if he ever learned to love someone else, they wouldn’t ever come close to Yoongi. It would never be the same.
A knock broke him out of his pity party of one, another knock only answering him when he croaked that they could come in. Whoever it was, wanted Taehyung to open for them.
Not particularly wanting to talk with anyone and just continue to lay like this, but never being rude to turn someone away he got up. He could exclude that it’d be Jimin or Jin, they were both known to burst in randomly whenever they wanted. Jimin reserving soulmate rights to interrupt whenever for cuddles and Jin because he was the oldest and could just do so he said.
Pulling his comforter over his shoulders and brushing the few stray tears away, he mustered up a smile when he opened the door, only to falter when he came face to face with a tomato like Yoongi. He was wringing his fingers in the hem of his sweater, his eyes everywhere but at Taehyung despite himself having come to his room.
“Hyung?” He prompted softly, he might have been hurting but Yoongi looked ready to bolt, a scared animal and he needed to tread carefully.
Yoongi’s eyes snapped up to his finally, he nodded, swallowed once, twice, cleared his throat before nodding again, as if trying to encourage himself. Squaring his shoulders and looking Taehyung straight in the eye, his hyung stepping up and asking a question that Taehyung had hoped forever to delay.
“Can we talk? Inside? Alone? … please?”
You’ll give me blessing, I’m just here to say,
Oh, oh, oh!
You got me daydreamin’
That’s all I got, all I got
Daydreamin’
Of what I want, what I want
Daydreamin’
That’s all I got, all I got
I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know, know
I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know, know