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This day was too long. Too long for me to handle, and no one else was making it any easier. Their constant pestering and worrying was bothersome, annoying, just leave me alone. Just leave me alone please.
I continued to sit in my designated corner, fiddling with my sleeves, the threads on my jumper, the small bits and pieces on the carpet that weren’t cleaned up, just anything I could get my hands on. I hardly responded when people were to talk to me, whatever they were saying. I, however respectively, gave a nod or a shrug in response, hoping that would be enough for them to leave me alone. It worked for the most part.
It was nearing dinner time. The food was served on the table and the other five actively rushed to get there first. I wasn’t particularly hungry, in fact I don’t think I had any appetite, but Jyushimatsu ushered me over, coming over to me and dragging me by the sleeve to join when I ignored him. I had no choice.
I didn’t put a lot on my plate, which Jyushimatsu noticed and without consent put more food on. That’s okay though, I don’t actually need to eat it.
Choromatsu asked for me to pass the sauce over. I told him to get it himself, but his stupid small arms really couldn’t reach and he started to get a lil pissed at the fact I wasn’t helping.
I rolled my eyes and handed the sauce over to the green brother. As I went to put my arm in my lap, I banged it against the table on accident. Pain instantly shot up my arm and I had to stifle a shriek. Fuck. That should be fine, it should be fine.
The dinner continued on, now with more anxiety on my behalf. I was about to eat another tiny mouthful of food, when Todomatsu pointed at my arm while saying “What’s that on your sleeve?”.
I peered down, seeing a massive, still wet, red stain expanding on my purple hoodie sleeve.
My fight or flight instincts almost instantly kicked in at the sight. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck ohfuck-
Abruptly, I stood from my place at the table. Everyone had gone silent, staring up at me.
My arm dripped blood onto the floor where I stood.
‘Ichimatsu! You’re bleeding!” Todomatsu
“Are you alright?” Choromatsu
“Are you injured?” Osomatsu
“Ichimatsu-” Jyushimatsu
“Wait, come back!” Karamatsu
I bolted, slamming the door behind me as I rushed to the bathroom.
False concern. False concern that was false concern. They wouldn’t care. If they knew, if only they knew that all of this was self-inflicted, self-destructive tendencies, they wouldn’t care, they wouldn’t give two shits. I’d get a slap on the wrist, a promise to not do it again, and they’d go on about their lives no differently than before.
Guilt. I dirtied the carpet with my filthy blood, that shit is hard to get out. I also destroyed the happy atmosphere that everyone had for their dinner time. I'm fucking pathetic, worthless, disgusting, disappointing. All I do is fuck everything up.
All I do is fuck up. I’m a fuck up.
I locked the bathroom door behind me, leaning my back against it and sliding to the floor. I felt tears prick at my eyes. Fucking pathetic.
Regret. I shouldn’t have gone to dinner, I should’ve brushed Jyushimatsu off and gone to the bedroom to sleep. I should’ve avoided everything, I could’ve. Yet, I didn’t, and I fucked it all up. I so badly wish I had slept the rest of the day away.
I wish I could sleep my life away.
I rolled my dirty sleeve up, inspecting the damage. Some of the cuts I had made last night were weeping, disturbed by the sudden impact with the table that had happened earlier. The worst one, the cut that was wide and had some fat peeking through, was bleeding the most. Luckily for me, I hadn’t nicked any veins or arteries with this wound, so it wasn’t fatal or absolutely gushing with blood, but it still was bleeding.
A small part of me wishes I had reached an artery with my blade. Maybe then I could’ve bled out onto the bathroom floor, ridding this family from the worst member. Then... then they wouldn’t have to be burdened by my words, my actions, me... anymore. Dying would rid this family of nothing but a burden-
I hit myself in the head hard. I need to stop spiraling. I have to deal with this in front of me.
I shakily got to my feet, opening the bathroom cabinet-
There was a knock at the door.
“Ichimatsu? Are you okay in there? What’s happened?”
It was Osomatsu.
“’m fine, everything’s fine. Leave me alone.” I mumbled back while picking out the first aid kit from the cabinet.
“No, everything is not fine . Dude, you were bleeding quite a bit out here... What have you done? Would you care to show your onii-chan your injury?” I could basically hear his shit-eating grin from this side of the door.
“No, I can take care of it. Just pretend nothing ever happened and leave me alone.” I had to hold myself back from lashing out at him. Getting mad wouldn’t help anyone. It’d only make everything harder, and I knew that.
I opened the first aid kit, rummaging through it to find the gauze and bandages.
There was some hesitation on Osomatsu’s part. “Are you hiding something, Ichimatsu?” He asked.
Shit. How am I meant to respond to that with a lie that doesn’t make it sound like a lie?
I opened my mouth to respond with a shitty excuse, before I heard the sound of clicking from the doorknob. Was he fucking picking the lock?
“O-oi Osomatsu!-”
The bathroom door swung open, the corridor light shining onto me like I was in a spotlight.
He stepped inside the bathroom, crouching down beside to where I was sitting on the floor. He gently grabbed my bleeding arm, hissing through his teeth as he saw what I had done to myself.
“Yikes, this looks pretty bad. Doesn’t it hurt?” He genuinely asked, trying to look me in the eyes. I kept my own eyes downcast, I didn’t want to face this situation, or him. I didn’t respond.
Osomatsu realized it was gonna be a struggle to get me to talk, so he silently moved the first aid kit closer to him and started to patch me up himself. I still didn’t say anything.
He closed my worst wound with steri strips, cleaned them with some water, covered them with gauze, then wrapped them in bandages.
I anxiously waiting in anticipation for him to say something more. Maybe he was angry and that was why he wasn’t talking, maybe if I opened my mouth he would snap at me for doing something as fucking stupid as this.
Instead, when I finally looked him in the eyes, I only saw concern. He packed away the first aid kit.
He's going to lecture me, he’s going to give me the whole ‘this isn’t good and you need to stop’ talk, or the ‘please don’t do it. For me’ talk. Which is stupid. I know it’s bad, I know I shouldn’t be hurting myself, but it’s the only way I can cope . The only way I can cope with living.
I just don’t know how I can get my understanding across.
Osomatsu must’ve seen my conflicted face because he started talking again.
“Hey... do you wanna go see the cats together?” He asked, smiling.
“Huh?” Was he not going to talk about it? Was he going to do that later?
“You seem pretty tense, so let’s go wherever it is you go to find some cats! What about it?” He stood from his place on the floor as he spoke, holding his hand out to me.
“But... wh-what about the others? A-and I dirtied the carpet out there, didn’t I?-”
“Pssh, don’t worry about that right now! Let’s go!” Osomatsu went ahead himself and grabbed my hand, pulling me off of the floor. “Ah, but first you need to change your top. I’ll be waiting by the front door, okay?” And he left the bathroom.
This... turned out better than I had expected.
I smirked to myself, sighing in relief.
I guess I wouldn’t mind joining the stupid eldest brother to go look for cats. I mean, it’ll be better than staying here right now.
So, that’s just what I did.