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It was weird how lost Dean was feeling. The walk home had been too painful and he ended up stopping at the park until the throbbing in his chest lessened and he felt nothing but tired. He closed the door with more strength than necessary and mentally cursed himself in his failed attempt at sneaking in.
"Dean?" Mary called from the kitchen. John and Sam were already home by then; of course she would be waiting for him.
"It's me." He answered and made his way there, leaning against the wall to watch his mother as she put leftovers in the refrigerator.
"What did the door do to you?" He could hear the smile as she asked it.
"It was the wind." Mary turned to him with a frown already disrupting her beautiful face when she heard the flat tone of his voice.
"What's wrong?" She approached and rested a hand on his cheek.
"Nothing." Dean tried to make his face as believable as possible.
"Alright..." He could see his mom didn't believe him but was thankful she didn't push the subject. "Are you hungry?"
"Uh, no... I ate at Cas'." Dean winced mentally when he heard his voice break on the name; he could see Mary noticed it too.
One lie: he hadn't eaten at Castiel's house, having to leave an hour before he could.
One truth: he wasn't hungry. How could he when it felt like his body was being sent into a black hole?
"Good." She continued with an expression on her face that let him know they would talk about this later.
"Night, mom." Dean kissed her on the cheek and hurriedly walked to his room.
He locked the door and threw his bag wherever it landed, taking his shirt and shoes off on his way to bed. It was still too early to sleep but Dean was too numb to do anything else so he just lied there pretending his heart wasn't hurting in the most unbearable way.
Except it was and Dean couldn't handle it anymore. So, after forty-five minutes of blank stares at the ceiling, he got up and walked to his desk.
Dean studied it for a moment before throwing everything on the floor with a quick sweep of his arms. It felt good so Dean took a deep breath and pushed his chair so hard it crossed the room and crashed against the door.
He took the frame that displayed one of the first pictures he had from the beginning of his and Castiel's relationship in his hands. There was a second of hesitation before Dean tossed it in the direction of his wardrobe, cutting himself on the glass object in the process.
Dean watched as blood dropped from his hand to the blue carpet for about half a minute before his father started pounding on the door.
"Son?" John yelled from the outside. "Open the door, Dean!"
The empty look in Dean's eyes when he granted his dad's wish did nothing to convince his parents that the "I'm fine" coming out of his mouth was true.
"Come here, baby." Mary pulled him by the arm to the kitchen again when she saw the blood and the glass on the floor. She took the first-aid kit from the cabinet under the sink and started cleaning his wound in silence.
Five, ten minutes passed and Dean watched her working and heard John and Sam in his room. He should feel bad for letting them clean up his mess but, truth be told, he didn't feel anything besides the void in his chest.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Mary asked softly.
"We broke up." Dean gritted his teeth, refusing to let the tears escape.
"Oh, honey." She moved her chair closer so it was easier to wrap him in a hug. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No." He looked up and tried to swallow the lump in his throat.
"I'm sorry, love." Mary held his hands. "I know it feels like the end of the world but it gets easier. I promise." She reached inside the little white box and gave him a small pill. "Take this. It will help with your hand and make you sleep faster."
"Thanks, mom." Dean managed to smile a little. In times where nothing else felt right, it always impressed him how much his family cared; he couldn't ignore that.
***
An hour later, Dean lied in his dark room with his eyes closed fearing the shadows that haunted his mind. The last time he took this long to fall asleep, it was for the same reason but in an entirely different atmosphere: Castiel.
There was no epiphany, no love confessions in the spur of the moment, it wasn’t like the movies. Dean, just like any other Thursday afternoon, was with Castiel at the library too distracted by his voice to actually pay attention to his words when he blurted out,
“Go out with me.”
“Pay attention to what I’m saying for once and I might.” But Dean saw through the sarcasm straight into the yes underneath.
“Tomorrow?”
“Are you picking me up?” There was an amused twinkle in Castiel’s eyes.
“Of course.” Dean said like it was obvious.
“Then tomorrow’s good.”
“Cool.” They shared a smile and went back to Shakespeare.
Now, the beginning and the end of the past three months were overlapping inside his brain and Dean wondered when someone would create a cure for heartbreaks.
“Alright, what is it?” Dean finally asked. Castiel had been weird ever since they walked out of school to his house and refused to look at him.
“Are you sleeping with Bela Talbot?” And Dean was expecting anything but that.
“W-what?” He choked the word out.
“Why are you with me, Dean?” Castiel still wasn’t looking at him but Dean could hear the pain in his voice.
“Cas, we’ve been over this. I like you!” Dean held Castiel’s face between his hands only to be pushed back.
“It’s so stupid, I thought you would be different. I’m so stupid!” Castiel was pacing now, his sweater sleeves too big and covering his hands, making him look even smaller.
“What are you talking about?” Dean was starting to get really desperate; the butterflies in his stomach seemed to be wanting to fly away as if foreseeing what was about to happen.
“When I… When I saw you, I-I convinced myself you would be another one of those jocks that walk around school as if they owned the place. But no, you proved me wrong and you-” he ran a hand through his hair and swallowed a sob “-you made me fall. And I believed you, Dean, and I even ignored everything the team says about me, and the cheerleaders and…” Castiel cut himself off and stared at Dean, who was only now recovering from the initial shock.
“So you’re saying I lied to you? All this time, everything I did, do you really…” Dean shook his head and huffed a sarcastic laugh. “Wow.”
“I just…” Castiel heaved a frustrated sigh. “I need to be sure.”
“What the fuck do you want me to do, Castiel?” Dean knew raising his voice was wrong but he couldn’t help it. “Want me to walk around licking the floor you walk on? I don’t have to prove what I feel about you, man! It’s your problem if you don’t trust me.”
“It’s too much, you don’t know…” A stray tear ran down Castiel’s cheek. “I can’t do this anymore, Dean.”
And Dean felt it like someone was deliberately pushing a knife in his chest in the slowest movements. “Right.” He cleared his throat. “I guess I don’t have anything to do here then.”
When Dean woke up it was like he hadn’t even blinked during the night. His head was pounding and, for a blissful moment, that was all he was feeling; then, like a million bricks, the previous day hit him and he had to lie down again to regain his breathing. He had no other choice but to move on with his routine and try to ignore everything else.
“Did you hear Dean and Castiel broke up?” It wasn’t even second period yet and Dean had already heard that four times walking around school.
“How do people know that already?” He ran a tired hand down his face.
“Sorry, brother.” Benny clapped him sympathetically on the shoulder.
Dean was starting to realize it wasn’t enough how he was feeling, he would also have to deal with how other people felt. Awesome, he thought.
***
"Hello, Dean." It was said in a low, hesitant voice and Dean wasn't entirely sure his mind wasn’t playing tricks; it was two days after the break-up and having Castiel in his brain was so typical he wouldn’t even be surprised.
"Cas." He answered in acknowledgment.
"I miss you." Castiel's voice was just above a whisper and Dean gripped the door of his locker to stop himself from running to his arms again.
"Good."
Castiel took a deep breath and when he spoke again his voice was shaky. "I'm sorry."
"You should be!" Dean snapped and finally looked at Castiel, regretting immediately when he noticed the tears filling his blue eyes.
There was a moment when they just stood there staring at each other, for the first time recognizing their own heartbreaks in each other's faces.
"Did you have anything else to say?" Dean asked, aware of the looks the other students were giving them.
Castiel didn't reply, only turned around and walked away. When Dean was sure he couldn't see him, he let out the breath he had been holding and closed his tired eyes; then, he shut his locker and went the opposite way.
***
It had been a week since the break up and Dean still had no idea how to stop his chest from hurting and his brain from thinking about dark hair and blue eyes.
He had trouble sleeping, eating and focusing on anything that wasn't his bedroom ceiling. It was worrying everyone around him and Dean knew he should get over it, but he was too tired to try.
"You should talk to him." Charlie said one afternoon after school when she went over to his house in an attempt to make him do something.
"I'll go ahead and pretend you didn't say that." Dean threw his baseball up again.
"Why are you so mad anyway? It's not like he did something wrong." Dean caught the ball and stopped moving. Charlie waited for the reaction.
"He doubted me!" There it is, she thought. "Three months, Charlie, I did everything to prove him wrong, to show Cas I actually liked him. And then he goes and says he still doesn't believe me? What the fuck?"
Charlie sighed. "Did you stop to think that this is not your fault?" She rolled her eyes when Dean frowned. "Of course not. There was a rumor you were sleeping with Bela and we both know how insecure Cas is... Especially when it's about you. Add that to the fact that ninety percent of people in our school thinks you’re pity dating him…”
“Wait, for real?” Dean got up and started pacing around. “Why am I always the last one to know when there’s a rumor about me?”
“Because that’s how it works, you only find out after it destroyed your life.” Charlie got up from the floor and stopped him by the shoulders. “Cas was tired and he said things he didn’t mean. I don’t blame him and neither should you.”
“How do you know all that?” Dean narrowed his eyes, suspicious.
“I may have talked to him when I found out… You wouldn’t tell me!” She said before he could even start protesting. “Besides, we’re friends and I care about him as much as I do you.”
“Right.” Dean let out a sad smile and sat on his bed again.
“So…? Are you going or am I gonna have to push you out the door?” Charlie put her hands on her waist and stared down at him.
“It’s not like I have anything to lose anyway…” Dean sighed and picked up his jacket.
Twenty minutes later found Dean standing outside Castiel’s house, collecting the courage to do something. It was hard and he almost went back home before finally managing to ring the doorbell; he couldn’t stop the groan when he saw who was on the other side.
“You look like shit.” Gabriel said with a satisfied smirk.
“Yeah, whatever… Is Cas home?” Dean asked, not bothering to mask the annoyance in his voice; he really didn’t want to do that right now.
“I don’t know, why do you care?”
Dean could push past Gabriel and force his way inside but it wouldn’t earn him any extra points so instead he said, “I need to talk to him.”
“I’m only letting you in because you look as miserable as he is.” Gabriel opened the door but stayed on the way just as Dean was about to take his first step. “I’ve been playing nice because he asked me to but if you came here just to step on his heart pieces instead of putting them together you better start sleeping with an eye open.” He warned.
“As if I can sleep at all.” Dean shot back before making his way to Cas’ room.
Knocking was even harder than ringing the doorbell, the feeling that this was one of those now or never moments creeping behind Dean’s back. After what felt like an eternity Dean let his knuckles tap against the wood twice; when he received permission to go in, his heart nearly stopped.
“Hey, Cas.” Dean started when he saw Castiel sitting at his desk with his back to the door. The effect it had was visible even if they weren’t facing each other.
“I thought you didn’t want to see me.” It was clear Castiel was trying to keep himself composed.
“Can you look at me?” Dean knew saying what he had to say would be easier if those piercing blue eyes weren’t staring at him, but he also knew he had to show Cas what he meant.
Castiel turned the wheeled chair around and Dean was taken aback by how harsh his eyes looked. “Go on.”
“I’m sorry.” Dean whispered and saw the coldness dissolve into something a lot softer. Confusion, maybe. “I’m such an idiot, Cas. I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m sorry I didn’t try to understand, it’s just… I’m really bad at this.” He rubbed at his eyes and only then noticed Castiel had stood up. “I’m sorry I hurt you, it was never my intention.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.” Castiel fiddled with the hem of his sweater. “But everyone says you feel obligated to be with me and I don’t want that.”
“I’m in love with you, Castiel.” Dean smiled at how easily the words came out. “If I had to make this choice every day, I would still choose being with you.”
“I’m very prone to believing others… Especially about my insecurities. I suppose now you know you’re one of them.” Castiel looked up and his eyes met Dean’s.
Dean took a hesitant step forward. “I can’t change those assholes, Cas.” He shook his head. “I will beat them up if you ask me to, though.”
Castiel smiled. It was small, but Dean was taking his victories where he could get them.
“All I want is for you to help me ignore them. I need to know you won’t give up on me even when I already did.”
Dean couldn’t stand there any longer so he reached out and wrapped his arms around Castiel, dropping a kiss to his hair and rejoicing on that familiar smell, on the way his sweater felt against his skin.
“Never.” He pulled apart just enough so he could have Castiel’s attention on him. “You’re all I want, Cas. I’ll do anything to have you by my side.”
“Thank you, Dean.” Now that was looking more like the smiles Dean was used to.
“I love you, Cas.” It was the first time he said it and no one would convince him his timing wasn’t perfect.
Castiel buried his face on the crook of Dean’s neck again before answering, “I love you, too.”