Work Text:
Higgins POV
As I sit here in my yoga sanctuary, watching as the ocean waves roll in softly beneath the sunrise, I cannot help but get in my head.
I hate it when I do this.
Every lesson I’ve been taught, whether it be from my father or MI6, has always relied upon a central theme: don’t think about myself.
“Take care of your mother,” my father had said without ever returning home again. “Focus on the mission,” MI6 reminded me since I was too young and naive to know that my career choice would torture me for years to come.
Over the years I’ve learned to let my thoughts run wild during my morning yoga. It has become therapeutic for me. Calming, relaxing.
You see, my life is not at all what I had planned for.
When I was a little girl, I thought I had it all. I thought everything in the world was perfect and would remain perfect for the rest of my life. Turns out, those golden, seventeen years of my childhood were as perfect as they would ever get.
I never thought I’d become an MI6 Agent. I also never thought I’d lose the first man who ever loved me. Hell, I never even dreamed that I’d live in Hawaii.
Again, my life is not at all what I had planned for.
My father abandoned us, my mother died without ever remembering who I was, my fiancée was murdered, and my mentor killed him.
But through all of this pain and suffering, there has been one constant in my life. A constant - truthfully - I never wanted, didn’t think I needed, and most definitely didn’t ask for.
He just sort of ... dropped into my life. Quite literally as he dropped down from the main gate and sent my entire world into chaos.
Yes, it’s Thomas Magnum, I know what you’re thinking. Trust me, I never saw him coming either.
It’s moments like these when I sit and wonder if Robin Masters, the creator of such exciting and renowned novels, tried to create a real one for a change - as an experiment of some sort.
I mean, can’t you see it? In big, bold letters on the front cover of a hardcover book: “Characters include Juliet Higgins, Thomas Magnum.” Location? The beautiful, tropical, island of Oahu, Hawaii, of course. Plot? Well, that’s a bit of a tricky one. Maybe because I don’t know how it all ends yet.
You see, Magnum has just always been there for me, even when I continue to push him away.
I didn’t realize it until two years after we had met, but I needed him. I think he knew it too.
I’m not ashamed to say I’m broken. Dammit, I know it. I’m afraid to get close to people and let them in - I’m working on that. Really, I am.
But when you lose the one person who adored you, who wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, what other choice do you have? I cannot and will not replay that cursed record.
It takes a lot to even try to recover from a loss like that. Most never do. And I’ve seen my fair share out in the field.
Magnum and I have grown very close over the years here at Robin’s Nest. Acquaintances in an instant, enemies shortly after he broke in.
Look, I’m sorry but the man gets on my bloody nerves! He acts all hunky-dory: leaving the Guest House a dreadful mess, stealing expensive wine from Robin’s cellar, and asking for favors like they’re pieces of free candy.
I guess it all changed when I found out about Hannah.
His Hannah.
Honestly, I had only heard bits and pieces about his time fighting in Afghanistan with T.C., Rick, and Nuzo. Whenever I would talk with them, they’d never divulge their time over there. Rightfully so, I cannot even imagine what it was like being a P.O.W.
Lara had mentioned to me that Magnum had been engaged before. I couldn’t believe it. But then in came Hannah, a blast from the past, and she ended up shooting him.
Everything changed after that.
Magnum lived, thank God, and we were finally honest with each other. We let our guards down - something we had never been known to do. We began to trust each other. He would somehow manage to drag me into his crazy schemes and investigations. But I have to admit, I’m grateful to him.
I think he knew I needed all of it. I hadn’t been myself for years after Richard’s death, and I think he saw an opportunity to give me a purpose: to help people. So, we became partners and then genuine friends.
I’m shocked to admit it, but he’s my other half.
He challenges me, grates on me, knows how to push my buttons … to tell you the truth, he’s just rather infuriating, all in all!
But then there are those quiet moments where he looks at me … really looks at me, and I swear it’s like we’re the only two people on the planet, frozen in time. His eyes are so soft, so warm, so … deep. He just looks at me, and I feel like he can see everything that I am and have ever been in an instant. My scars, my broken heart, my fears, my anger - he just sees it all. And he doesn’t run away, he doesn’t ignore me or let me be. No, he fights for me. He fights to bring me back out here to the real world.
So it’s in these moments that I sit here and wonder: is it terrible of me to want something more between us?
Every time I look at him I see something in him I haven’t been able to see over the past couple years. It’s something unexplainable and yet so so powerful.
I look at him and … I’m home. A home I thought I would never be able to regain. A home I never thought I deserved.
There have been moments where we both acknowledge our feelings for each other, but never out loud. We can’t. We wouldn’t.
We shouldn’t.
It might just ruin everything we’ve built.
But I love him. Oh bloody hell, isn’t that crazy? If you had told me three years ago that I, Juliet Higgins, of sound body and mind, would fall in love with Thomas Magnum, I would have called you crazy. Really.
But the truth is, I have. And I’ve fallen for him so deeply.
And the worst part? I feel so guilty because I feel like I’m betraying Richard. I loved Richard, and he will always hold a very special place in my heart, but I just feel this connection between Magnum and I that I’ve never felt before. It’s so real.
Most of all, I’m bloody scared. I don’t want to ruin what we have. He’s my best friend. If I lose him, I lose myself. He helped build me back up. If I lose him, who would I even be?
Do I give up on my fears for a life with him that may not even work? I don’t know.
I wish he’d be the first to take a leap.
***
Magnum POV
It’s late at night. After a few beers with everyone at La Mariana, my brain is a bit fuzzy. Clear, but fuzzy. My weak legs drag me to the Guest House’s couch where I lay down, watch the fan go around and around above me, and let my mind run wild.
I think of the way she spun on the dance floor with T.C., smiling and laughing. I think of the way her eyes sparkled as they glanced over at me. I think of that perfect, simple moment where everything just clicked.
But then I remember how I never got up the courage to ask her to dance.
You see, Juliet Higgins is the most infuriating and confusing woman I have ever met.
From the first day I met her, she has driven me absolutely crazy. She fights with me about anything - and I mean anything - I do wrong, she makes fun of me constantly, and she shuts me out when I try to get in. She is an enigma I have tried desperately to crack.
But dammit I love her. So much.
I know, I know, way too cheesy. Hey, I’m a romantic, okay? But from the moment I first saw her, I just knew - she was the one. I tried to hide it, to push that feeling away, but it just kept shining through.
Although I don’t like how she treats me sometimes, I get it. It’s all an act to keep me at an arm's length away. I’m not the easiest person to live with either, I’ll admit.
From the little that I’ve learned about her, she’s been through a lot, and, given her history, I’m amazed that she’s opened up to me at all.
I just wish she’d let me in more.
We’ve grown very close over the what… two? No, three years we’ve lived here together. Damn. It’s been three years?
Has it really been that long?
I feel like I know her more than she knows herself, and she hasn’t even told me everything. But there are moments where I just look at her and … I feel this deep connection.
I look at her and... I’m home. A home I haven’t seen or felt in over three decades. First, I lost a crucial part of my life - my dad - only at the age of five. Then, to help pay my mother’s medical bills, I join the Navy and sail away to a war of blood, heartbreak, and loss. I lose Hannah, I lose Nuzo. I guess sometimes I feel like all I ever do is lose.
I have tried to create a family, a home for myself, but then someone always ends up disappearing from it.
With Hannah, it was all passion. As much as I hate to admit it, we didn’t have that emotional, amicable connection people have. We just fell in a type of passionate love - pretty quickly too.
But with Higgins ... man oh man. Sometimes I think I understand her more than I understand myself. It’s the complete opposite of Hannah with her too. She’s my confidant, my best friend, my partner. We have this strong bond of trust. So far, though, no passion.
We’ve had … moments, but never anything to turn the tide.
I don’t know what I’d do without her, really.
It’s gotten to a point where I can barely have a proper, normal Magnum-Higgins conversation with her anymore. I just don’t even know what it’s like to be the normal us from the past three years.
Everytime I see her now, I see her smiling at me: her guard completely down, dancing away the night with my best friend who should’ve been me.
The truth is, I don’t know what the hell I should do.
If I tell her my true feelings, she might push me away, she might reject me, the possibilities are endless. She’s my best friend above all right now, and I can’t lost that. I won’t lose that.
God, is that too much to ask?
I wish she’d be the first to take a leap.