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The first leaves were starting to fall when he arrived back in his hometown. It had been years since the last time he saw those green benches or those cats perched on the trees in the park near the ice cream shop. The air seemed fresher and sweeter. He was glad to be home.
The Fall Festival was just around the corner. He used to go there with his friends and family every year. He remembered sweet bread with honey and music to which he couldn’t dance to. Remembered the lights hanging and children laughing.
He wondered what everyone was doing now with their lives. Surely, most of his friends already had stable jobs. If he called them to go to the Festival with him, would they accept? He somehow doubted it but he could try later and see.
He didn’t plan to stay long in the country. He had various things and acting deals to return to, but what little time he had here, he would spend it the right way.
Before going to visit his parents, he planned to do something else first. The memory of silly laughs and listening to music until late at night moved him forward. He left his luggage at the hotel and headed for the address one of his friends gave him when he asked.
The streets became more and more familiar. The sun was setting down and he knew he didn’t have much time to talk, or to try to do it. He still had a sliver of hope, just like he did before. Walking down the street the air became heavy with memories of failed dance lessons and stargazing. He smiled, his imagination picturing them sitting in those benches he saw across the street, in front of the coffee place they both used to love.
A building with an animal logo was across the street. The address said it was there. He stopped walking, frozen in place. Suddenly, all courage vanished.
He remembered Yinghao telling him what his plan was for the future. One day, when they were at his parents’ house after school with books everywhere, studying for the upcoming exams. Yinghao had talked to him about the animal shelter in town and wanting to help the animals while he drew the numbers in his Math homework.
He had supported him, obviously. Yinghao had always been good with animals. He had shared his own dreams too and had received the same enthusiastic response he always had from him.
He knew the shelter was a temporary thing because Yinghao had always placed his dreams on a big stage, literally. He probably knew Yinghao better than anyone did. Yinghao probably knew him better than anyone did too. Huasen knew Yinghao dreamed of dancing on a big stage and it seemed that his first step to make his dreams come true was in progress.
Yinghao had always been good at dancing. Huasen was not but he still went with Yinghao to practice every day, just so he could see him in that immersed state.
Seeing him dance was a part of his day Huasen had cherished. It was like a mesmerizing water fountain. Water that was so delicate but with the right force could break even a diamond in two. Huasen had seen the frustration, the anguish, the happiness and delight in Yinghao. Sometimes he got frustrated at his incomplete choreographies and other times he would jump up and down when he got the steps right.
Yinghao had seen him get frustrated too. Huasen always dreamed of having an acting career. He had practiced day and night for school plays, independent projects and auditions. Yinghao had been there to cheer him up. Huasen had done the same to him. They both gave their all because they knew that no matter the outcome, there would be someone to share good food with and talk to after. To celebrate or to let the sadness wash away.
Huasen had eventually aimed a deal for the lead role of an international series and he had accepted. He was ecstatic and maybe, just maybe, immersed in his own happiness, he had forgotten the happiness of others.
Memories of silly laughs turned to bitter chirps and hours listening to music until midnight turned to nights alone flooded his mind. Looking around, he spotted the big tree where years ago he planted the promise of forever. He sighed, twirling the crushed piece of paper between his fingers.
Was it a good idea? Was it appropriate to go and rock the world of the person he had failed?
All those times they strolled through the park, the late night snacks, sleepovers and music festivals were gone. Humans made mistakes. He just didn’t know if his was still reparable or not.
He had gone abroad to make his dreams come true. His face was in the big screen and his talent was being recognized all over the world. Years and years of hard work. It had been the right decision, to go abroad. What he regretted was the way he managed it.
He should have done so many things differently. He should have said so many things. The only thing he could do now was try, apologize and try to repair something he didn’t know how to.
He looked down at the note in his hand and started walking again, slower this time. He looked around at how some places had changed over the years. How the grass seemed greener and how the owner of the pet store had repainted the walls.
His thoughts of vacations in the beach and barbecue were interrupted when he heard laughter ahead of him.
That silly laugh he always loved to hear when everything was dull and gray was a few meters in front of him. It wasn’t alone, it was accompanied by another laugh, a deeper one by someone he hadn’t seen either in a long time.
Of course, Huasen had expected Yinghao to move on with his life. It was the right thing to do. It was only natural. Still, Huasen had had a tiny sliver of hope that he could still salvage this.
He stopped walking again. He remember Xingxing all too clearly. He was an amazing friend. Huasen had met him at a festival he went with Yinghao back then, when they still messaged and called each other in the middle of the night. Xingxing was that friend who would give you the world if he could and some part of Huasen was both sad and happy that Yinghao had become closer with him.
He watched them laugh and fool around. Yinghao had certainly changed. His hair was longer. He seemed taller. His eyes sparkled and he looked happier.
He saw Xingxing talk to him and make him laugh. He saw them push each other around and smile wide. He saw Yinghao smile in a way he hadn’t before, at least not that Huasen had seen.
When he saw that hand take Xingxing’s to go inside the shelter, Huasen turned around.
He had to accept reality. All those shared meals and parties were over. He had taken his choices and in the process had broken the connection he had with his soulmate. He took his decision. He made mistakes and he lost.
It wasn’t fair to Yinghao. It wasn’t fair to go and beg for a redemption that wasn’t deserved. He wouldn’t beg him for forgiveness, no matter how much he wanted those nights at the studio and practice rounds with snacks back.
He made mistakes and he lost, so he turned around and walked back to the hotel. He left behind the silly laughs that teared at his heart. He knew it wasn’t personal. He didn’t have the right to barge into his life again. He had left. He had moved on and Yinghao had too. It didn’t matter with who.
It was okay. They made mistakes and while they had had to let go, they had learned.
Huasen visited his parents. He went with his friends to the Fall Festival and tried not to think about full hamster cheeks and duck plushies. He visited all the places he used to go to when he still lived there. He met with people he hadn’t seen. He chatted, laughed and cried too.
He avoided going to the studio where he spent most of his high school nights with Yinghao. He didn’t want to think who Yinghao was spending them with now. He knew it was irrational. Yinghao was happier and that was all that mattered.
Huasen saw them multiple times around town. He saw them going to the park, entering cafés, dancing in big squares and shopping together.
Huasen knew he had hurt him, with his words, with his actions. Yinghao had hurt him too with those, though Huasen didn’t think anything of them. They had both been angry. They had both been disappointed. It was okay. They made mistakes.
For the rest of his visit, he avoided thinking about them all together if possible. He had his own life now. Yinghao had his. He knew it was selfish to think what he thought, about wanting to be with him again but he couldn’t help it. They were doing what Yinghao and him used to do together. They were sharing what Yinghao and him used to share.
It was painful but it was reality. He sometimes would sit on his bed at the hotel and scroll through all the pictures he hadn’t dared to delete. He would smile, cry and laugh at all the things they once did. He would listen to all the music they used to listen to together. He would remember all the failed dance lessons, the escapades to the school’s court and the stupid teenager pranks on their parents.
Yinghao had been the moon in the sky for him and Huasen knew he himself had been something similar to Yinghao. There were obstacles they couldn’t pass and that was okay. It was beautiful while it lasted.
The last day of his visit came and Huasen figured he might as well go visit the only place he hadn’t dared to go to yet.
The studio was just like he remembered. There seemed to be no one there at that hour of the day and that was perfect for him. He sat down in the far corner and let his mind wander.
It was like he could still see Yinghao in the middle of the room, dancing so gracefully. He wondered if he was doing okay in his classes. He had heard at the Fall Festival from one of his friends that he was majoring in Dance. His dreams were coming true slowly but surely and Huasen was happy for him. Yinghao was happier, more than he had been before. How could he not? He was doing everything he wanted, everything he had planned.
Huasen imagined they were there again, in those times when everything they thought about was how difficult their homework was or what they would eat come the next morning.
He used all the memories of Yinghao dancing that he had. From the most difficult choreographies to the simplest but not less beautiful ones. From the little accidents to the nailed moves. He remembered the sun going up and down while he sat there just watching and enjoying a performance he no longer had the privilege of seeing.
It had being years since he last saw his favorite person dance. It pained him and nagged at him from the inside.
He sighed. He made mistakes. He lost and Yinghao was happier, wasn’t he?
Huasen stood up. It was time to go back and pack his things. It was time to go back to the life he had always dreamed of and that he had now. He dusted off his pants and walked out of the room.
Laughter and music made him stop for a second. He turned around and approached the room where the music was coming from.
He saw them there. They were dancing to some hip-hop song. They were laughing and enjoying. They seemed happy.
Huasen saw them fool around, saw them correct each other and smile wide at a sequence well done. He saw them start the song again and again.
Huasen turned around with a bitter smile and started walking to go back to the hotel. He had things to pack, friends to say goodbye to and family to hug.
Yinghao deserved better. He deserved to make his dreams come true. He deserved to dance in front of millions of people. He deserved to be acknowledged by the public and see his hard work paying off. He deserved to have a big stage for himself because he was the brightest star Huasen had ever seen and he had had the privilege of calling him his. He lost it but he had it once.
Huasen exited the building and looked back just one more time before making his way back to the hotel.
He made mistakes. They both did. They had lost each other to easily avoided mistakes and they had hurt each other.
It was okay. Yinghao looked happier. Huasen knew that in the way his eyes sparkled and his smiles widened when he was with Xingxing. Others deserved him more than Huasen did now and he was happier. That was all that mattered.
Yinghao was happy and Huasen knew he should be happy too but he just couldn’t.
Huasen could try to hide behind his smiles. He could try to pretend like it didn’t hurt. He could try and he knew he would always fail.
His friends would probably tell him that with time, he would feel the same happiness with someone else but Huasen somehow doubted he would. There was no one like Yinghao. It was okay.
He made mistakes. He had hurt him and he lost. He accepted it now. If Yinghao was happier, then it was okay.
He accepted it and he was okay with it but deep down, he knew he had been happier when Yinghao was in his life.