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I’m never one for love at first sight. It’s true. It’s something of a fairy tail- fiction. Yet, I couldn’t deny the stutter of my heart the first time I saw you. Instead of letting myself fall, I decided to do it gradually. I wanted to see if I’ll meet reality quicker than my fantasy.
Everyday I got to see you, I realized your heart. Kind and passionate. Simple words that can describe you. I soon realized as days…weeks…flew by, that this person is one of my best friends. I did everything I could to delay my fall into reality. I soon realized that the days I couldn’t see or talk to you were unbearable. I wanted to hear your jokes and how your day went. Even if we were the lamest people on Earth, you will always be worth listening to. Once again, I found myself trying to delay my fall…so instead, I decided I’ll continuously fall for you.
At night, I loved to serenade you with poetry. You always loved my way with words. You often praised me for my romantic way of speech, and I was emboldened by your praise to sway you with my heart. Every night, I would sing praise to you and become overjoyed that, “Of all the ones to be with, I was the lucky fool you chose to love.” At night, I could ignore my descent into reality.
When you said yes to being my lover, I thought to myself…”I hope to see you dressed in white.” Even with such a future ahead of us, I believed that as long as you were here, I would be able to see you dressed in white. Slowly, my fall to reality was nearing.
Our talks were short now…I barely saw you in the day. Nights gone by wondering if you had a great day. I was worried, I did everything I could to fix what I never did wrong. “Am I enough?” “How can I show my heart to you?” I never thought love could have such a pause. I downplayed your actions…decided you were too tired to hear my poetry. Whispers of love from one voice…I slowly saw my reality coming.
This must be how I die. A heart too broken to realize its own damage. The moment I woke to an empty bed…I felt the end of my world. A simple text. Am I only worth that much? “I’m not sure where my heart is…I knew I loved you…but I love them too. Please understand- I need to find out who I am. I’ll need this break…farewell into our descent.” I never knew how fast you can hit the ground of reality.
This must be love. A double edged sword for one to yield, yet if you don’t know how to use you…it’ll pierce your own heart. I must’ve been in the wrong…I didn’t work hard enough. My poetry wasn’t strong enough. My heart was plentiful for you…now it’s all gone. My fantasy washed away leaving behind my hard reality.
This must be love. If this is what love will do to me, then I’ll harden my heart. I mourn for the love I cannot give. Years and years of dedication and love is fragile, no matter what. “Will I ever be enough?” I’ll never know…Too scared to give my all like the first. I’m too scared of the fall into reality. So I’ll give up my fantasies of love. Surely, I must be too inadequate to be a lover. It’s fine. I’ll love others as those of dear friends.
Surely, this is how I’ll love. Layers of defense and my hardened perception of the fall into reality. I’m a coward, afraid to love again. I’ll take that responsibility, I’ll stay grounded into reality. I hope that, in the days where melancholy takes place, I look up into the fantasies of my first love and hope I can learn to surrender myself again.
Until then…this will be love.