Chapter Text
For the longest time Sirius Black had convinced himself that this world was full of evil, until he met James Potter. Sirius did not remember many moments without his best friend... if only he knew how little of them they would have, in the end.
His steps made dull thuds as he walked slowly up the walkway, hands shaking as he registered the empty hinges where the Potters' door should have hung. Later, he would miss all the Christmases he never got to experience, where he would have burst through the door with arms full of Firewhiskey and presents for their little Prongslet, when the war was over. He registered the dull thud of the doc martens he had stolen from his Moony on the stones as water raced off his leather jacket.
They say when traumatic events happen, you forget things, Sirius Black would never forget this night. He would play it over and over in his head for 12 years until he almost went mad. Because it was his fault. He had suggested Peter take his place, he had dug this hole, he had damned his best friend and he would go to hell for it, no matter how sorry he was.
Except Hell had another name... Azkaban. Little did he know, he would be there soon. He went up a stone step, then another, then another and walked across the Potters small porch, rain beads dripping from his hair. He walked through the broken doorway, kicking wood out of the way into a neat pile, if only to give himself time to prepare. He was scared.
Sirius Black was fucking terrified of what he would find.
As he should have been.
He continued through the shattered house, the kitchen where Lily could have made the best pancakes, when they no longer had to be in hiding. He felt numb, there but not, walking but floating, terrified but empty, guilty but... guilty.
Sirius took out his wand as he rounded the corner, terrified, not of the monster long gone that had wreaked this havoc, but the consequences of his own actions. One mistake. One wrong choice.
His breath caught in his throat when he saw the body on the floor and he gripped his wand in his hand. Hoping against all hope that his best friend would sit up and grin and shout "Got you good mate, didn't I?"
James Potter did not sit up, and he never would again. Sirius took another step forward, a moving statue. He felt if he took another step, James' fate would be sealed. He stood and he stared at Prongs' unmoving chest. He couldn't wrench his eyes off it but he couldn't step forward. Get up, get up, c'mon James, breath, fucking breath. Sirius himself, could not breathe.
He wished he had stopped breathing then because he didn't know how long it had been but his best friend was dead. James' chest did not rise and Sirius knew that he had left him. Today was the day James Potter had left him, hell must have frozen over.
Maybe that was the moment he broke. He had set the snare and it had finally come down to snap on him. Sirius burst into tears and rushed forward, cupping James' face and slapping it lightly. Hoping.
Hope was a deadly thing.
A tear rolled down James Potters face. A broken sob escaped Sirius as he pulled the heavy head into his lap. No, no, no. He cried and he cried until a sob was heard... a different one. One that was not his own, shattered one but one of a child. James' child. Harry. Sirius let his James' head roll to the side and leapt up the stairs three at a time.
Harry was alive, they weren't dead. Maybe Lily was too. He got to the top in a matter of minutes and leapt over the banister railing in his way, racing around the corner and using the wall to swing him momentously around, he swung into the doorway with speed and tripped on something.
He stumbled and caught himself on the crib, he took a breath and didn't look back at what he had tripped on. So Lily wasn't alive. Baby Harry look up at him with sad eyes. He looked so much like James in that second that Sirius found it hard to breathe. The windows had been shattered by the strength of the curse and Harry was bleeding on the forehead, from a piece of flying glass, Sirius had thought as he picked the infant up and hugged him to his chest, rubbing his thumb over the cut.
"Oh Harry." Sirius said, it came out as more of a sob. Sirius heard muggle kids on the street below, laughing, probably dressed up in stupid costumes eating stupid candy while his best friends bodies grew cold. Sirius heard a creak on the stairs and froze. He was working himself up, there was no one there... he put Harry back in the crib just in case, quickly clearing away the glass.
Sirius raised his wand and held his breath as he stared at the doorway, waiting for Voldemort to come for him... oh what a blessing that would have been. Sirius Black did not expect Snivellus of all people to creep into the doorway.
Snape froze when he saw Lily's body on the floor, the one Sirius refused to look at, he kept his eyes trained on Snape. Snivellus let his eyes fill with tears as he stared at the dead Lily Evans-Potter before his eyes met Sirius' ones.
"You." he said and the single word was filled with so much hatred, Sirius could have bottled it up and cast a killing curse with it. He tried not to think about killing curses. "What are you doing here?" Snape whispered as they both kept their wands raised, dueling not with magic but with broken eyes that hid even more shattered hearts.
"Having a disco party with my best friends dead body." Sirius snapped, not thinking of his words.
The expression of horror on Snape's face was enough to make Sirius' gut wrench as he realized his words and swallowed hard. Snape didn't say anything, just looked at the ginger on the floor and dropped to his knees.
"Lily." he whispered, cupping her face in his hands. Snape went to kiss her on the forehead and anger rose in Sirius, how dare he kiss James' girl? How dare he come up here and step past James' dead body in the hopes he could finally get the girl. How dare he...
"STUPEFY!" Sirius screamed and Snape flew away from Lily's body, through the open doorway and into the hallway wall then fell limp with a thud. Sirius heaved as magic zinged through his veins, mixing with the building rage inside him. Magic and anger were a dangerous combination.
On impulse Sirius flicked his wrist at the far wall of the nursery and it burst open, rubble flying outwards and leaving a gaping hall in the wall. There was a scream and he wondered if it was Lily's ghost coming back to haunt him. Sirius growled and a sudden sound scared him out of his anger. Harry had started crying, balling actually. Sirius had made Harry scared.
James was dead and Sirius was the only one in the house and he had made baby Harry cry. Fresh tears sprung to Sirius' eyes as he stepped up to the crib and picked up the wailing Harry in his arms. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Sirius said, although he wasn't sure who he was apologizing too. He would say those two words for the rest of his life, play them over and over in his head while he was locked in a cell, I'm sorry.
Harry had stopped crying immediately when Sirius picked him up which made Sirius cry harder. You shouldn't trust me. You shouldn't trust me. Your dad trusted me and look where that got him.
Snape stirred in the hallway and groaned and Sirius sunk to the floor, cradling Harry in his arms. Sirius clamped his mouth shut and let the tears stream silently down his face, the house was eerily quiet until one word was whispered.
"Pads." It could have been baby garble or imagined but Sirius looked down at baby Harry in his arms who uttered the word again, then one more time. Sirius' expression froze into one of horror and he quickly but carefully deposited Harry into the cradle.
No way had James' sons first word been his name. Sirius had to go and he had to go now. Harry would not live a long life if Sirius was in it, he would just make another stupid mistake and kill them both. The sound of Harry muttering that word would forever live in Sirius' head.
He backed away from the crib then swiveled on his heel and bent down, allowing himself to get one last look at Lily. The love of James' life. Sirius cupped her face in his hand before standing and walking to the doorway. He cast a long glance at baby Harry who watched curiously from his crib.
"Look away Harry, look away." Sirius muttered, taking in the infants face. He didn't know if he'd ever see Harry again and he didn't know what he would do without James, how he would even live, Sirius couldn't imagine going on without him... he saw no future for himself without James Potter in it.
Sirius looked at Harry again with selfish longing, he would miss the kid but at least this way Harry would stay alive. "Don't let the curses sting Harry." Sirius whispered and turned his back. Sirius thought that the silence was worse than if Harry had been balling his eyes out. Sirius' footsteps sounded too loud as he stepped down the stairs. He stopped at the bottom and looked at James' body.
This. This is what you did.
Something clicked in Sirius' trauma stricken mind and he realized something. Peter Pettigrew was the one who dealt the final blow, even if it had been Sirius' fault. Sirius walked the long way around the house to avoid having to step over James' body and went out the front door. He had a new mission: Kill Peter Pettigrew.
Sirius got a cunning idea, a damning one, not that he knew it yet and he apparated back into the Merlin forsaken house. Sirius pulled a now conscious Snape to his feet, eyes glazed over as he tried to focus on Sirius' face.
"Snivellus." Sirius growled. "Where would Peter Pettigrew be right now?" He asked, Snape at his wand point.
"How the hell am I-" Sirius socked him in the nose.
"Fine!" Snape exclaimed in a nasally voice and whispered the location in Sirius' ear. The boy grinned wickedly and apparated away with a pop, leaving a terrified Severus Snape in his wake.
Sirius apparated into a dark alley and heard a boom, a few stray people ran past him as he ran towards it, that's where Peter would be. His heart raced to the thump of his feet, he would avenge James Potter if it was the death of him. He pushed all thoughts of death from his mind but one: the death of Peter.
Sirius rounded the corner and found the square drowned in chaos, bodies lay on the floor and people ran away from the square. Sirius spotted a blonde head standing still in the chaos and sprinted towards him, raising his wand.
It was hard not to think about death when you had to step over bodies but Sirius had anger coursing through his veins and his singular goal was stopping the heart that of the blonde boy who was now watching him approach with a grin. Sirius recognized the person in front of him physically but the boys whole demeanor had changed. He had a devastatingly confident demeanor that the Pete he knew never had.
Sirius sprinted through the people, pushing past until suddenly the people cleared and it was just him and the rat, face to face. Peter smirked with a glint in his eyes and before Sirius could do anything Peter pointed his wand at the ground and screamed a spell, the ground rumbled and Sirius flew back, landing hard on his shoulder and thankful he hadn't heard a crunch.
He stood up and sprinted at the blonde through the thick smoke, the boy he thought he knew. He tackled him and they both went down hard, rolling. Peter leapt up before Sirius and pointed his wand down at him.
"Fancy meeting you here." Peter said in a casual tone as Sirius heaved himself to his feet and Peter's wand followed his movements.
"You-!" Sirius screams and Peter takes his wand, severs off his finger with only the slightest flicker of pain and drops it on the ground at Sirius' feet before apparating away.
"Bye Padfoot." he says with a smile that Sirius wants to slap off. He doesn't even give Sirius time to scream in anger before he disappears. Sirius stares at the empty spot as the smoke clears, a scoff rises in his chest and he lets it out.
It turns into a laugh until he's standing there laughing manically in laughter. No way the sod got them all to trust him and pulled something like this- Pete- with the rat Animagus, Pete who snuck down to the kitchens and brought them up food at midnight when they were too tired and lazy to go themselves. Sirius laughed and he laughed until he saw a group of ministry people staring at him from across the courtyard.
He clamped his mouth shut as one shot a spell at him, he didn't defend himself or try to stop them, he just took the spell. A punishment and his legs locked up. He watched helpfully as the officials made their way towards him, this was the bit he would remember bits and pieces of.
He would remember their hands on his arms, pulling them roughly behind his back. He would remember the accusing looks they gave him as his eyes travelled over the fallen bodies, piles of them. Piles Peter had made, Sirius remembered two more important bodies in a house alone with a crying infant.
Sirius Black had made another horrible mistake. He had left Harry alone and he was being taken away.
Sirius writhed in their arms, screaming until they put an arm locking hex on him too and someone grabbed his arm and apparated with him. It was raining again and Sirius' clothes hadn't quite dried from the drizzle at the Potters house.
Sirius looked up at the building that towered above them and gaped. "Azkaban." he breathed out and the ministry officials shoved him forward, the leg locking hex undone and his wand gone from his hands.
The man lead him towards the building and up a sickeningly winding staircase until they reached the utmost top of the fortress. Sirius slammed against the wall as the man shoved him into the cell, he turned just as the gate clanged shut behind him, sealing his fate.
"No!" Sirius shouted, finally finding his voice. "No! No! No! I didn't do it!" The man stared at him before continuing down the stairs, with each fading footstep Sirius' despair grew. He was trapped and there was nothing he could do about it.
Sirius slid down the wall and a sob escaped him. Alone in this freezing cold hellhole. His heart hurt as he remembered James' glassy eyes and Harry's silence as Sirius turned his back on him. Sirius pounded the wall with his fist in anger at himself.
Another stupid mistake he made that could have cost Harry his life. The worst thing was Sirius had made the mistake and couldn't take it back, he couldn't undo it and he couldn't go back and hug James and Harry and Lily for longer.
Now that Sirius was alone, in this cell, his cell, he realized something that shattered the remaining pieces of his lonely heart.
Sirius had forgotten Moony. He had left the Potters house so thirsty for blood that he had forgotten the love of his life. His Moony would be worrying about where he was and what was taking him so long to come home. Who would tell him what had happened? A thought struck Sirius like a lightning bolt.
Moony would think that Sirius had done it. Sirius would never see him again. Remus would think that Sirius had sold out James and Lily and had killed those muggles in the square.
Moony would think everything they had was a lie to get close to them.
Sirius let out a harsh sob that echoed against the walls of his cell.
His mind was trapped in that night, he was standing in the rain, staring at the empty hinges... he was holding James in his arms and he was regretting his existence. One of his only best friends, the one that had never once left him, Sirius had failed him and it had got him killed. Sirius may not have cast the spell but James Potters death was his fault.
There was no one there to convince him otherwise.
A man came up and introduced himself as the only guard of Azkaban and threw Sirius prison garments. Sirius held his signature leather jacket up to the singular human guard through the bars and said "Burn it." The last bit of himself, he was giving it away. He deserved to burn, he thought. Just like the others.
Sirius would miss his Moony.
He already did.