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Walking an extra mile for Onda has never been a stranger to Sihyeon, to be honest. At this point, it's common knowledge that the older one would do literally anything for her girlfriend without a second thought. Sihyeon's always been like this when it comes to Onda, from the very beginning. When they were still getting to know each other and becoming friends all those years ago, she would make sure to listen carefully to everything the younger one said, just so she could use all this information to do something for her in the near future. It was never a secret just how fond of Onda Sihyeon has been from the very day they met, so it also didn't surprise anyone when the older one learned how to cook all of Onda's favorite dishes or started keeping tabs on her beloved bands.
"You've been going at it rough again." Sihyeon speaks as she hears her girlfriend hiss in pain when she bends her foot a certain way. She can feel it under her palms just how tense Onda's muscles and tendons really are, and that's how she knows exactly what her girlfriend's been doing the whole day. It surely had nothing to do with giving them proper rest.
Speaking of walking an extra mile - it's become a part of their evening routine ever since the younger one got her ankle sprained during practice three weeks ago. Sihyeon's been nothing but helpful and supportive, even going as far as to learn how to properly exercise her girlfriend's foot so it'd heal sooner. She'd come over every single day, no matter how packed with responsibilities her daily schedule was or how exhausted she felt. Somehow, she'd always make even a little bit of time just to come over and help Onda exercise.
The younger one looks up at Sihyeon with guilt written all over her face and doesn't say anything in response. What would she even tell her? The excuse is always the same, along with the apology that comes after. Onda knows it's wrong. She knows it damn well. But she just can't help herself.
Sihyeon heaves a sigh and continues the exercise as if nothing happened. Perhaps the lack of a wordy response is a good thing. She can appreciate the sincerity and remorse of Onda's silence.
The older one wouldn't call herself patient. Not really. She tends to be quite short-tempered sometimes, but she's working on it. It's been a real challenge lately, considering how poorly Onda's been taking care of her own self. Now, Sihyeon's not asking that much of her – she just wants her to take a breather once in a while during the day so the ankle wouldn't get overworked. Being a dancer is demanding, and she's well aware of how hard her girlfriend has to work, but she also knows that Onda's not lacking in anything and it wouldn't be that much of a trouble to take a couple of breaks during the practice.
"Why don't we go out for a little date tomorrow? We'd drive around for a bit, get some food and relax somewhere outside of the city. What do you say?" Sihyeon suggests with the best gentle smile she can muster, being almost done with the exercise.
"I'd love to, but I'll be home late again. You know all my days look the same now that the performance is nearing." Onda says with an apologetic look on her face.
"Can't you skip the practice just this once? I'm sure your ankle would be grateful if you did." the older girl arches an eyebrow at her wincing girlfriend, who's struggling not to make any sound that'd express just how much pain she's actually in.
"I'll be fine." Onda insists through gritted teeth and thankfully, the exercise is over soon enough, so she can finally heave a relieved sigh.
Sihyeon has to use all her will power not to roll her eyes right there and then. Honestly, seeing Onda pay so little mind to her contusion makes Sihyeon's blood boil. The younger one doesn't seem to care about anything other than that godforsaken performance – not about Sihyeon's efforts and definitely not about her own self.
"Babe, I'm serious. You should take a break. It'll only get worse if you overwork it, and God knows you've been doing just that ever since you started walking on your own again." Sihyeon reasons with her, gently rubbing the ankle to soothe it and make it hurt less.
"I'll take it easy, I promise."
"No, I don't want your empty promises. We both know you won't." the older girl shakes her head and carefully lowers Onda's leg onto the mattress. "You know, you could've just said you don't care whether it hurts or not. It would have saved both of us a lot of time." she says with a broken voice, then gets up and starts collecting her things in a hurry.
She's trying to keep her composure, but she feels it deep within herself that she's on the edge, and it's just all too much.
"Huh? Baby, wait. What do you mean?" Onda asks as panic makes its way into her mind. She tries to get up as fast as possible, but the sudden movement causes her so much pain she nearly falls down from the bed. Luckily, Sihyeon lunges forward and catches her just in time. The older one quickly checks on her girlfriend and once she's sure nothing happened, she helps her sit back down. Then she takes a step back, but Onda's quick to grasp her wrist. "Sihyeon, please. What is it?"
The helplessness in Onda's voice almost breaks her, but she refuses to give in, even though she's got an urge to. She can't, for both their sakes.
Onda has to finally open her eyes.
It's way harder than it seemed to be. Sihyeon wanted to make it quick and leave right after to break down on her own, but that's impossible. It's truly peculiar that she's so upset with Onda, yet at the same time, she's seeking comfort from her by pulling her close and holding her tightly. She breathes in the scent of the younger girl's hair to savor it for as long as it takes. It's unbelievably hard to let go when everything she wants is to hold on, but it's for Onda. She'd do anything for her, even if it means hurting both of them in the process.
"I can't keep on doing this." she whispers as she pulls away slightly to place a kiss on Onda's temple, then looks into her confused and scared eyes. "If you're not willing to give yourself a break, then I think we should take one. You don't care about yourself enough and you don't respect the efforts I put into helping you get better, so it's just pointless what we're doing. Don't get me wrong - I'd do it all for you again in a heartbeat, I would. But I just can't be with someone who doesn't give a fuck about themselves."
It takes Onda a moment to realize what's even going on, but once she does, her eyes immediately fill with tears. It's what Sihyeon's been fearing the most, to be honest. She can take a lot, but Onda's tears? It's like a bullet to the heart.
"Baby, please don't do this. It doesn't have to be this way, we can figure it out together. Please, just don't leave me. I need you." the blonde pleads, cupping Sihyeon's face in both hands, but the latter just pushes her away gently, avoiding making any eye contact at all.
"I need you, too. But where have you been lately?" Sihyeon asks with a bitter smile and shakes her head again when she doesn't get any response. "You've lost your way while trying to be someone you're not. I fell in love with a girl full of happiness and passion, a girl with dreams. With every passing day, there's less and less of her in you. You've become a wreck. And for what? I've been trying to save you right from the start. When you sprained your ankle, I thought something would change, but it's only been worse since then. I've eventually come to realize that I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Think about it, okay? That's all I ask."
When Onda doesn't say anything in response, Sihyeon just knows what's going on. She doesn't look at the younger girl, since she knows she wouldn't be able to walk away anymore if she did. Instead, she just pulls her sobbing form into a tight embrace and lets her cry on her shoulder. Somehow she feels even worse about that than she'd probably feel about leaving. The wet spot on her t-shirt will only haunt her on her way home later.
"I'm doing this because I love you." Sihyeon whispers, gently stroking Onda's back up and down to soothe her a little.
"I'm so sorry." the younger girl says weakly as she pulls away to wipe her wet cheeks with the back of her palm. She tries to catch Sihyeon's eye, but the latter looks away again, refusing to look at her even once. Even though it hurts, Onda understands why.
"I know." Sihyeon nods, then carefully detaches the younger girl from her own body. It almost physically hurts to do so, but she manages to do it somehow. "We both just need some time." she adds to comfort both of them, but it doesn't really help.
"Sihyeon—"
"I have to go." the older girl says with a broken voice as she presses a kiss to Onda's forehead and gets up. She hesitates at first, but then hurries out of the room, since it's literally now or never.
Onda just stares at the door for a solid minute until the ache in her heart becomes unbearable. She clasps a hand over her mouth and bursts out crying in the cold of her room.
She regrets waking up in the morning.
After spending the majority of the night crying her eyes out and only about two hours in total on sleeping, she feels empty on the inside and looks a lot like a walking dead, if not worse.
She thought about canceling the lunch date with Aisha and staying home instead, but eventually came to realize that – oh horror – this is exactly what she’d been doing for the last couple of weeks. Not only had she been neglecting Sihyeon all this time, but also her friends, and if the former wasn’t already bad enough on its own, then this sure as hell is.
She couldn’t let Aisha down like that. Not again.
That’s why she forced herself to leave the comfort of her bed and here she is – sitting by one of the tables at the café she and Aisha enjoy going to and waiting for the younger girl to show up. Honestly, she has no idea what she’ll say when Aisha asks about her exceptionally terrible appearance. Getting here was a challenge on its own since the ankle’s literally killing her today, but she’s managed to deal with that with a little help from the strongest painkillers she could find at home. This here will be way more challenging.
Aisha walks in through the main entrance and cheerfully greets the barista, who does the same in return, then makes her way over to the table Onda’s occupying. She intends on greeting her just as cheerfully, but once she actually sees her face and notices her slightly swollen eyes and the dark shadows under them, she just stops dead in her tracks as concern instantly washes over her.
“Oh God.” Aisha deadpans and quickly takes a seat by the table, right across from Onda. “You look like shit.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.” the older girl responds with a sigh.
“Do you want to talk?” Aisha asks in a gentle manner, since she knows it’s easier to approach Onda this way. They’ve been friends for such a long time, it’s safe to say they can read each other like open books. Aisha can clearly see Onda's going through a hard time and could use a friend to lift this weight off her shoulders, but she also sees that her question’s left the older girl torn for some reason. It’s like she wants to talk to her but something’s preventing her from doing so. “I can see you’re struggling, Serim. I’m here for you if you need me.”
Onda looks down at her own hands that are resting on the table’s surface as if she’s ashamed of herself, and that leaves Aisha confused. No matter what the problem was, Onda had never acted like this with her before. The older one knows she can tell her anything – she’d never judge her, just try to understand.
“I should’ve been there for you, too.” Onda speaks at last, looking up to meet Aisha’s even more confused gaze.
“What do you mean?” the taller girl asks with a little frown.
“I’ve been a terrible friend lately. And not only to you, but to everyone.” Onda explains, full of remorse. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Aisha, who’s left wondering what the hell must’ve happened to make the older one reflect on herself like that. She must admit – she has been feeling kind of neglected by Onda, but she wouldn’t just straight up call her a terrible friend. She’s been busy, that’s all. Her job’s really demanding and Aisha gets it.
“I mean, you have bailed on me multiple times, but I understand that you’re busy with that performance or whatever that’s coming up. It’s fine.” the younger one shrugs lightly and gives Onda a small, reassuring smile.
“It’s not fine. I took you for granted and put that damn performance above you. This isn’t right. It shouldn’t even matter to me that much, anyway. It’s not like it’s going to change anything. It shouldn’t be more relevant to me than my friends or my girlfriend, for fuck’s sake.” the older one huffs in frustration, and that’s when Aisha finally understands what this is all about. She knows Onda way too well, it’s not hard to guess what’s behind the majority of her problems.
“Your family’s got the best of you, huh?”
Onda only nods in response. She came to the same conclusion hours ago, when she was just numbly lying there in her cold and empty bed, staring at the ceiling and cursing herself out for being so foolish the whole time.
The truth is – that performance indeed isn’t going to change anything. It won’t magically make her sorry excuse of a father take back his words about her being pathetic for thinking she can achieve anything as a dancer. It won’t make her whole family stop talking about how she has it better since Jiwon’s paved the entire way into the industry for her. It really doesn’t matter how much effort she puts into proving them wrong, they won’t change their minds. She’ll always be the one who made it thanks to someone else, she’ll always be the overshadowed one.
She doesn’t mind not being the best when compared to Jiwon – she knows her sister’s always going to be the best one. Onda herself thinks of Jiwon as the best, too. She just wishes people wouldn’t take her own success as Jiwon’s. For once in her life, she just wishes to have something of her own. She’s been working her ass off to be in her current position, and she’s been doing it all on her own. She deserves her efforts to get acknowledged.
But that doesn’t mean she’ll get it.
The world’s unfair – she’s been learning about it ever since she can remember. And perhaps that means it’s high time to accept it and learn how to stop caring about what other people say, because they’ll always end up saying whatever they want to.
It doesn’t mean she owes them anything.
“...You could say that.”
“Well, I say it’s about time you’ve realized they’ve been trying to make you into a puppet by playing with your mind. Sihyeon’s been worrying sick about you. We all have been, to be honest, but you know how she is.”
Onda falls silent again after hearing that. It’s not even about the fact that everyone’s apparently been aware of how bad her situation is but her own self, but because it seems like Sihyeon hasn’t talked to anyone about what happened between them yesterday. Onda just knows that if her girlfriend were to tell someone, Aisha would be the first one to learn about it. And if the younger one doesn’t know, then that can only mean Sihyeon’s holding it all in, which isn’t good for her. Not even one bit.
In all honesty, Onda would feel better knowing Sihyeon’s talked to someone, for the sake of her mental health and general wellbeing.
“Have you… talked to her recently?” the older one asks a little hesitantly, just to check if her assumptions are correct.
“I haven’t since yesterday morning, but I’m grabbing lunch with her tomorrow. Why?” Aisha responds with an arched eyebrow.
“I… I fucked up big time, Yoorim. It didn’t take losing only myself for me to realize how wrong I’ve been. I’ve lost so much more than that.”
The younger one’s face falls as she realizes what actually must’ve happened. Honestly, she had a feeling right from the start that it’d end up like this, but she’s also hoped they’ll have it all figured out before it’s too late. She recalls talking to Sihyeon about it just last week and figures that the older one was actually serious while saying it’s the last straw before she uses drastic measures.
“So that’s what happened.” Aisha nods slowly, with comprehension. “And I guess this is the reason as to why you look like… that.” she gestures at Onda’s face, and the latter heaves a small sigh.
“Yeah, yeah. I look bad, I know, you don’t have to tell me twice.” the older one rolls her eyes, but not in a way that’d express irritation, since she knows the younger girl doesn’t mean no wrong.
“Bad is a damn understatement. Girl, you’re literally the embodiment of my latest nightmare.” Aisha continues playfully, making this into yet another banter of many they have daily.
“I’m obviously glad you’re dreaming of me, but can we go back to talking about Sihyeon?” Onda asks with a weak smile to let Aisha know she appreciates her effort to make her feel a little better, but now’s not the time yet.
“Alright. So… what about Sihyeon?”
“I’m worried about her. She hasn’t talked to you yet, which means she hasn’t spoken to anyone at all, and I… I just don’t want her to be alone right now. She’s hurting and it’s all my fault. I should’ve always been there for her, but I fucked up and I don’t think she’d like it if I called her now after being so cold for such a long time. So could you please, please check on her for me? You don’t have to mention that I asked you to, I just want to know if she’s okay. I’m trying to fix this somehow, but I can’t go on without knowing how she’s doing.” the older girl asks with genuine hope and concern in her voice, and it makes Aisha smile, since it seems like something’s actually changed.
“You’re already on the right way to fix things.” Aisha says softly, taking Onda’s hand into her own to give it a reassuring squeeze. “I will check on her, don’t worry. Focus on figuring everything out for now. We can’t wait for you to come back to us.”
Onda nods with an honest smile as hot tears fill up her eyes and blur her vision.
She can’t wait to be back, either.
After skipping a day of practice without saying a word to anyone other than the dance teacher, Onda figures she should show up for at least a little while the next day just for the formalities and hopefully for a moment of reflection. She used to find tranquility inside these four walls of the dance studio that was once her anchor.
Her ankle doesn’t hurt that bad today, but that’s probably only thanks to the painkillers, so she decides it’s best to play it safe and try not to overwork it. She wouldn’t even be here in the first place if it wasn’t for Mia and Yiren asking about her, since she’s finally taking her injury seriously and is aware of how bad she’s been treating her own body lately. She’s trying to take care of herself, just like Sihyeon wanted her to. She owes herself and the older girl at least that much.
Out of all six practice rooms in the building, she chooses her favorite one that’s empty in the evenings. She’s been practicing among other people recently, since she didn’t really mind the company, but not this time. She used to always choose the empty practice rooms so she could do her own thing and become one with the music. That’s how she expressed her true self. The fact that she hasn’t practiced alone for a few weeks now speaks volumes.
She sets her bag down on the wooden floor of the practice room and takes a moment to take in its interior. Slowly, she comes to realize nothing’s changed. It looks just the same as the last time she’s been here, but it sure feels different now that she’s on her own.
This wooden floor holds all the blood, sweat and tears she’s ever put into dancing. These four walls hold all her frustrations, happiness and sadness she used to express here every single time. This room’s filled with memories and emotions, and Onda’s breath hitches in her throat the moment she feels all of that coming back to her. Suddenly, it’s like she can finally breathe.
For the first time in so long, she genuinely feels happy.
The sound of the door opening with a force and two cheerful voices making their way into the room makes Onda snap out of her thoughts. She turns around to see Mia and Yiren walking towards her, just casually talking among themselves with matching smiles on their faces and their hands clasped together tightly. Seeing them like this never fails to make her smile, but this time there’s a sudden wave of sadness washing over her as her thoughts drift off to Sihyeon. The older girl’s all she can think of whenever there’s nothing else occupying her mind. It used to always be like that before Onda lost herself, but there’s an evident difference between the past and the present. These days, it’s just constant worrying about her and missing her like crazy. Guess she finally understands what Sihyeon’s been going through these past few weeks, and it’s honestly horrible.
“What are you two doing here?” Onda asks her two best friends the moment they approach her.
“We’re happy to see you, too.” Mia responds with a playful grin, but Yiren nudges her slightly, already sensing there’s something wrong. She’s always been good at reading Onda, so it’s no surprise she’s the first one to notice.
“You skipped practice yesterday and didn’t even say a word. It got us worried, so we’ve been looking for you. And, well… here you are.” Yiren’s words come out kind of rushed, which they tend to do sometimes when she’s concerned.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just… I don’t even know why I didn’t, actually. I’m sorry.” Onda shakes her head and looks down in shame when she realizes she’s just tried to make up an excuse. Her friends don’t deserve to be treated like that. What the hell has she been even thinking?
“It’s okay.” Mia offers the younger girl a reassuring smile, since she now also sees Onda’s struggling with something. “Do you mind if we stay for a little while? We were planning to go over our choreography a couple of times.”
“Sure, go on. I was going to do only some stretching today, anyway.” Onda smiles back at the older one, or at least tries to.
When Yiren’s about to say something more, Mia gives her a knowing look and shakes her head to let her know they shouldn’t ask any questions, at least for now. Onda wouldn’t tell them anything, anyway. She’s the one who has to come to them, not the other way around. They’ve been friends long enough to be aware of that.
Everyone moves on pretty quickly from the conversation and starts doing their own thing. Onda settles in the corner of the room, since she doesn’t need that much space if she’s going to stretch. Besides, it’s a great viewing spot, which means she can freely watch her friends practice, and these two dancing a duet together is always a lovely sight to see.
With that being said, Onda proceeds to stretch her legs, all the while Mia and Yiren start going over the choreography with admirable professionalism that doesn’t lack in emotion, not one bit. Truly, nobody else can even begin to compare to the two of them when they’re dancing a duet that’s meant to be romantic and passionate. They’d been known for their undeniable chemistry even before they started dating. No wonder they found love while dancing.
Onda recalls that one time when she agreed to dance a duet out of sheer curiosity and regretted it right after the first practice. She knew right there and then this kind of dance just isn’t her thing. It’s not because she didn’t like the choreography – quite the opposite, actually, she loved it. It’s just the fact that she and her dancing partner lacked chemistry. Yet despite that, they still had to perform. It was back then when none of them had the freedom to simply quit, and, well… it kind of made Onda hate duets for quite some time.
At least until Sihyeon did the unimaginable to change her mind. It was only a few days before Onda’s performance when she paid her an unexpected visit at the studio and asked her to dance. She’d learned the entire choreography with a little help from Mia just so she could cheer her girlfriend up. Even though it was kind of sloppy and chaotic, it didn’t fail to show the emotions it was supposed to represent and the chemistry was definitely there as well.
It’s yet another example of Sihyeon walking an extra mile for her, but this one holds a special place in Onda’s heart. Nothing else the older girl’s ever done for her has made her cry as much as this.
Since they hadn’t been dating for long back then, it was exactly the moment when Onda knew for sure Sihyeon is the one. She had loved her for a while at that point, but it was the first time she got to tell her.
It’s incredible how many wonderful things have happened at this studio. When the house she’s living in had stopped being home, this place became one for her. When her family had fallen apart, all these people she’d met here took her in and accepted her as their own. How could she ever forget the meaning this place holds and let it all go down to this?
She gets so caught up in her own thoughts that she doesn’t even register the moment when tears start trailing down her cheeks. Only when Mia and Yiren approach her again and sit down on the floor she’s able to finally acknowledge the fact that she’s crying.
“Hey, it’s fine. You can let it all out.” Yiren speaks softly, wrapping an arm around Onda’s shoulders when the latter desperately tries to wipe her own tears away as fast as possible. “Talk to us, please?”
Onda opens her mouth with the intention to speak just to close it shut seconds later. She doesn’t even know what she should begin with. Mia seems to notice her struggle, since she's the one to speak up instead.
“We know what this is about, Serim. You don’t have to tell us the whole story, and you don’t have to apologize, either. We know you’re sorry. It’s okay.” the older one insists, taking a hold of Onda’s hand and giving it a gentle squeeze afterward.
“Yoorim told you?” Onda asks weakly, hugging her knees close to her chest and leaning into Yiren for the warmth she’s missing so bad.
“Sihyeon did, actually.” Mia clarifies, making the younger girl look up at her. “Yoorim couldn’t make it yesterday, and since you had said someone should check on her, she asked us to do it.”
“Is she okay?” Onda asks with genuine concern.
Mia shares a look with her girlfriend, who gives her a single nod.
“She’s fine.” the older one answers eventually, and Onda only nods in response. She’s been expecting to get a short answer like this, and she understands. They wouldn’t tell her the whole truth, even if she begged them to. “Look, she hates it as much as you do—“
“I know she does, I saw the guilt in her eyes. I get why she did it, though. I really do. I just want to know if she’s okay, because I’d hate it if she were blaming herself for anything.” Onda cuts in when Mia is about to start rambling to make her feel better, making the latter shut up immediately.
“Well, you know how Sihyeon is. I won’t keep this a secret from you.” Yiren speaks up, lightly stroking the skin of Onda’s arm out of pure affection. “She misses you.”
“I miss her, too.” Onda admits quietly, leaning even more into Yiren’s side. “And I also miss myself. This… this isn’t me. I used to love dancing, as long as I was doing my own thing. I put all of my heart into it, because it was my way of expressing myself. It used to make me feel happy and alive. And now… now I don’t feel anything.”
“No, that’s not true.” Mia protests with a certainty that surely doesn’t fail to surprise Onda. “I’ll be honest with you – I’ve been watching you closely these past couple of weeks. Deep down, you know exactly how you feel about this choreography. I want you to say it.” she rises an eyebrow in a challenging manner, looking straight into Onda’s eyes to evoke all these feelings she’s been suppressing and make them rise to the surface.
There’s complete silence in the room for a moment that seems to be going on for an eternity. The atmosphere is filled with some kind of electric tension, it’s like Mia is actually battling against Onda to set the real her free from the cage she’s been locked in. Good thing that the walls Onda once built aren’t that hard to break through. Not anymore, at least, since they have already been crumbling.
“…I hate it.” at last, Onda admits it with a sigh that is of the relieving kind. “God, I hate it so much. The only reason why I signed up for it was because I wanted to prove everyone wrong. I can’t believe I manipulated myself into thinking it’s more important than my girlfriend… than me.”
“See? This is the real you.” Mia nods with a small smile and pats the younger girl’s hand a couple of times to let her know she did well. “I guess you know what’s the right thing to do now.”
“I do, but it’s still not enough to make everything better.” Onda shakes her head, thinking mainly about Sihyeon again.
“It’s enough for you.” Yiren says, giving Onda’s shoulders a comforting squeeze. “Look, you’ve found yourself again, and it’s a good start. Things will get better, but it takes some time.”
Onda nods once and lets her friends flood her with encouraging words and warm hugs. She’s grateful she’s got them, and now she’s also got herself. With all that, there comes the hope that it actually will be okay.
With time.
It’s been four days.
Normally, Onda wouldn’t call it much, but when it’s been four days without Sihyeon, she dares to think of it as an eternity.
Well, it’s not even like Sihyeon’s completely cut her off – she’s actually called her twice to make sure she’s still exercising her foot and not skipping any meals. They may not have seen each other, but at least they talked. It wasn’t much, since Onda could hold her tears back only for so long, but it was something.
Sihyeon called her for the first time late in the evening, right after Onda had got home from the studio. Deciding to use the opportunity, the younger one told her she had quit the performance. She wasn’t expecting anything to happen just because of that, but rather wanted to let Sihyeon know she had indeed reflected on herself.
Just hearing the pride and love in the older one’s voice was enough to make Onda cry for at least two hours, since she’s missing her so damn bad.
But at least she’s on the right way to make things better.
And that takes time.
Just like her friends said.
It’s Friday when Onda visits the studio again, but it’s only because Jiwon asked her to do so.
The older one’s just come back from Japan, where she spent an entire month literally working herself to the ground with the multiple projects and performances she had been booked for.
The reason why she wants to meet up with Onda at the studio is the promise she’s made at some point that she’d watch her go over the choreography for the upcoming performance and eventually give her some pointers.
Onda hasn’t updated her yet on the changes that occurred in the past few days, but that’s only because she didn’t want her to worry too much, and God knows she tends to do that whenever something happens, considering how she’s always trying to be both a sister and a mother to the younger girl. Onda figures that it won’t be an issue if she tells Jiwon about everything when they finally meet up at the studio, since the older one’s not coming back home. Neither today nor for the next two weeks or so, since she’ll be staying at Aisha’s place. Honestly, it’s beyond Onda’s understanding how the two of them have managed to survive a whole month without seeing each other. She hasn’t seen Sihyeon for four days and she’s already losing her mind at this point.
Friday evenings are usually pretty busy at the studio, so much that it’s rare to get an empty practice room, yet today appears to be exceptional, since there are actually two unoccupied ones, and one of them is Jiwon’s personal favorite, so that’s where Onda decides to go first. And, as it turns out, it’s a good choice.
She enters through the glass door and smiles brightly at the sight of her older sister, who’s stretching down on the floor. It’s truly admirable just how strong and energetic she is, even after constantly working for a whole month. It’s always been something Onda wanted to have – this kind of strength and courage, but guess it’s only her sister’s thing.
“Seems like Japan hasn’t worn you out.” the younger one speaks up as she sets her bag down on a bench.
Jiwon startles at first and whips her head to look Onda’s way, but calms down the moment she sees it’s just her little sister. Her mood changes instantly and a wide smile appears on her face in a matter of seconds.
“They could try.” Jiwon shrugs, then gets up from the floor to greet her sister properly. “Come here, kiddo.” she says as she spreads her arms widely for Onda.
The younger one rushes to get her long-awaited hug and sighs in satisfaction the moment she finally has her arms wrapped around Jiwon’s waist. The older one squeezes Onda with all her might, trying to show her exactly how much she’s been missing her, but it’s probably impossible to truly express it.
“I’m so glad you’re back.” Onda whispers and does her best not to cry, since she’s already on the verge of tears again.
“And I’m glad to be back, too. I missed you.” Jiwon responds with a small smile and pulls back to take in her little sister’s appearance, because damn, she hasn’t seen her for such a long time. Yet when she notices Onda’s tears, a frown makes its way onto her features. She’s aware the younger girl’s happy to have her back, but… there’s something more to that. Onda’s eyes… they appear sad. In all honesty, Jiwon’s probably never seen her sister so down and tired, and that surely raises concern. “Oh, Serim… what happened?”
Onda looks up and takes a couple deep breaths to calm down. She’s been crying almost nonstop for four days now, she’s exhausted. If only it were so simple to hold all those tears back…
“I quit the performance. I didn’t want to sign up for it in the first place, but… I got lost somewhere along the way.” the younger one explains with a broken voice, but still refuses to cry.
That’s all it takes for Jiwon to understand what actually happened. She obviously knows what, or rather who could ever make Onda lose her way. Hell, Jiwon herself has gone through something like that because of their godforsaken and so-called family. She’s seen it all – their judgment, abuse and toxicity.
She’s lived it.
And she always hoped it would never happen to Onda. She’s even made a mental note to do whatever it takes to keep her little sister safe, away from all this negativity and pressure, but… she’s failed.
“Oh my god… I let them get to you. I’m so sorry.” Jiwon says remorsefully, looking down in shame, but Onda has none of that. She tilts her sister’s head back up and makes her look into her eyes.
“What the hell are you even talking about?” Onda asks plainly, since she just doesn’t know in what way could it ever be Jiwon’s fault.
“I should’ve been there. I swore I’d never let them win you over, but look where we are now. I left and they finally got their chance to destroy everything, because that’s what they do. They ruin what you’ve built for yourself when there’s nothing in it for them.” the older one huffs with a deep scowl.
“Jiwon, look. I know you want to protect me, but I’m not that scared little girl I used to be. I knew damn well what they’re all like. I could’ve stood up for myself, but I didn’t. I let them get to me, and I manipulated myself into thinking I have to prove them wrong. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. Let me own up to it.”
Jiwon takes a moment to process everything and calm down a bit. She knows it’s right to let Onda take the whole blame, but deep down there’s still that instinct to take over so the younger girl wouldn’t have to worry. Perhaps it’s time to let go of that habit. Onda’s right, after all. She’s not a little girl anymore. Her mistakes are hers to own up to now. Jiwon just has to accept that.
“It still doesn’t sit right with me, but fine. Just tell me why. It’s not the first time they’ve tried to make you into a puppet. Why did you let them win this time?” the older one asks, then walks over to the nearest bench and takes a seat.
Onda doesn’t know what to say at first. To be honest, she hasn’t thought about the reason why she let her family get to her so easily in the first place. All that mattered to her were the consequences, but now that she thinks about it, she should’ve dug deeper. She should’ve found the core of the problem.
She thought this situation had made her weak, that it had damaged her. Because – as a matter of fact – it had. But to think about it now – she must have been weak to begin with if it didn’t require much to break her.
“I guess I just gave up.” Onda says with barely any color to the tone of her voice, still standing in that same spot where Jiwon’s left her. “I was weak, so I... I gave up. It was like hitting a switch. One minute I knew exactly who I was, and the next I was letting their words become my thoughts. I lost control. I’d convinced myself I was a failure and suddenly I hated myself so much that I stopped caring about anything other than proving them wrong. I just… I thought it’d be easier. I genuinely thought it was gonna change something. I was naïve and foolish and look at me now. Only a few days ago I didn’t want to think about quitting the performance, even though my ankle’s literally fucked up. Deep down, I knew I should reconsider. But I was just too stubborn to do it.”
Jiwon nods and gestures for her sister to come closer. Onda doesn’t think twice before approaching the older girl. She sits down on the floor, just at Jiwon’s feet, and waits for her to speak.
“Look, I’ll tell you something. I’m sure you already know that, but a little reminder wouldn’t hurt.” Jiwon offers the younger girl a gentle smile as their eyes meet. “The key to success is knowing when to quit. You can’t push it and expect it all to work out just fine. It won’t. I’ve learned this the hard way, too. As long as you’ll keep on trying to prove something to someone who’s not your own self, you won’t succeed. It’s just putting your soul out for sale, that’s what this is.”
“And I have sold my soul.” Onda nods with a bitter smile. “I remember when you first told me that, you know? I wish I had recalled that before I gave in. Perhaps it would’ve all been different and I wouldn’t have lost so much.” she drops her gaze to the ground and heaves a sigh.
“Perhaps. But I don’t think it works that way, though. If it were all destined to happen and you were to make the mistakes you’ve made to learn from them, then there’s nothing that could’ve prevented this. Fate is fate, and human mentality is ridiculous, but it’s just how it is.” Jiwon explains with a light shrug, then takes Onda’s hand to give it a reassuring squeeze. “Now, I believe you’ve learned what you needed to learn, so it’s high time to move on and focus on the future. Mainly on yourself, though, since there has been some damage done for sure.”
“I’ve already got that covered. I’m taking better care of myself. What I need to focus on right now is being less of a shitty girlfriend.”
“You mean…” Jiwon frowns at her little sister, not really sure what happened, and she doesn’t want to make any assumptions, either.
“Sihyeon left.” Onda responds plainly, although with a hint of sadness in her voice. “And I’m actually glad she did. She didn’t deserve this shit. It opened my eyes.”
“It’s a good thing it did. I hope you’ll work it out from here and… become less shit.” the older girl smiles teasingly to cheer Onda up by starting a little banter.
“You’re an ass.” Onda says in a whiny manner, but still smiles back at her sister.
“My ass is better than yours, though.”
“I’m pretty sure that at least Sihyeon would disagree.”
“Are you saying your girlfriend checks me out?”
“Don’t push it.”
They laugh together for a little while, and when it dies down, Jiwon pokes Onda’s cheek, so she’d keep her smile on.
“Come on, let’s go home.” she offers, standing up, and extends a hand for the younger girl to take.
“Huh? Wait, Jiwon, no. You’re spending time with Yoorim.” Onda protests, but takes her sister’s hand nonetheless, letting her help.
“I’ll stay with you if you need me. I promised to always be there for you, no matter what.” the older girl points out.
“I’ll be okay. Seriously. Just drop me off at the house.” Onda insists, giving Jiwon a pointed look to silently assure her it’s fine and that she’ll manage on her own.
“Alright. But just in case, remember that I’m only one call away.”
“I know. Thank you.” the younger girl smiles warmly at her sister, who instantly reciprocates it and ruffles her hair a little just to tease her some more.
“Don’t thank me, I’m your big sister. I’ve got your back.”
After getting dropped off at home, and thankfully avoiding running into mom who’s apparently working yet another night shift, Onda goes straight to the bathroom to take a quick shower. Since nobody’s home but her, she hopes to spend a peaceful but rather lonely night cooped up in her own bedroom with nothing else but Netflix to keep her entertained.
Yet as soon as she flops down onto the bed and finally starts replying to all the messages Mia’s sent her in the meantime, the door to her bedroom flies open. She doesn’t bother looking up from her phone at first, assuming it’s Jiwon who decided she couldn’t just leave her all alone like that after everything and came home again.
“Can you stop bothering me? I’m trying to suffer in peace and quiet.” Onda says as she types out another message to send to Mia.
“I literally just got here, I haven’t even gotten the chance to bother you yet.” Sihyeon chuckles as she enters the room, and Onda turns her head so quickly she loses her balance and almost falls out of bed.
“Sihyeon?” she asks in disbelief as her phone literally slips out of her hands and falls down onto the fluffy carpet.
“Hi.” the older girl smiles warmly as she approaches the bed and sits down on the edge of the mattress. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask if I could come, but I just missed you so much, and—“
She doesn’t even get the chance to finish her sentence, since Onda suddenly moves to straddle her and crashes their lips together in a longing kiss. It kind of catches Sihyeon off guard at first, but she’s quick to get a hold of the situation and kiss her back just as fiercely. It takes a while until either of them is willing to pull away, and even once they do, they don’t inch any further from each other.
“I missed you, too.” Onda whispers as she wraps both arms around Sihyeon’s shoulders to keep her as close as possible. “God, you wouldn’t even believe just how bad I missed you.” she adds, cupping the side of her girlfriend’s face in one hand and delicately running the pad of her thumb over Sihyeon’s cheekbone.
“I’m so sorry I left like that. I just… I didn’t know what else to do and this situation was ruining both of us. I never wanted this.” the older girl admits sincerely, feeling burning tears welling up in her eyes. The truth is – the guilt’s been consuming her ever since she walked out through that door and Onda’s words about them figuring it all out together have been haunting her nonstop. There hasn’t been even a minute when she wouldn’t regret leaving.
“No, you were right. This had to be done.” Onda states plainly and presses a quick kiss to Sihyeon’s forehead. “I’m glad you did it. You didn’t deserve all this shit I put you through. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must’ve felt like. You were so brave, baby. For both of us.”
“It wasn’t you, Serim. It was never you.” Sihyeon objects sternly, lightly shaking her head. “It’s always been them. They put you… us through all this shit. If it wasn’t for them, you wouldn’t have made yourself believe you owe them anything.”
“They’re the reason, but it’s me who followed through with everything. Can’t you see? That happy and passionate girl with dreams was weak, and that’s why she lost. That’s why I lost. I locked her up deep inside and took everything away from her, just because of one lost battle. It didn’t even feel like I had lost a lot back then, because I still had the thing that I love the most. I had you. And when you left, I realized that I’ve actually lost everything. That’s what made me go out to look for that girl again. I needed to lose you to find me. And I have.”
“I know. You’re here, right in front of me. The happy, passionate girl with dreams. The girl I love with every fiber of my being. But you’re way stronger now.” Sihyeon smiles tenderly at the younger girl and pulls her into a tight and longing embrace that both of them wish to never get ripped out of again. They’ll do anything to make it stay that way forever from now on.
“Thank you. For all of it.” Onda whispers straight into the older girl’s ear and hugs her back just as tightly.
Neither of them wants to ever let go again.
“Anything for you, love.”
And they won’t.