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Otto didn’t have a soulmate. It was just a fact of his existence. He had brown eyes, he could play the drums, and he didn’t have a soulmate. When he had woken up on the day of his sixteenth birthday, a soul mark simply just hadn't appeared on his skin. He didn’t get anything. Not even a dot or a line. No matter where he had looked, no matter how many mirrors he had used, there was nothing. He had panicked for all of about a minute, but then he'd take a deep breath. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, he had figured, it's not like most people from younger generations actively looked for their soulmate nowadays, and plenty of people had never found theirs and lived totally normal lives. So, he had walked out of the bathroom, and that was it.
Not that he liked to make this information public, considering just how abnormal this was. The first time someone had asked him about the shape of his soul mark, he had said the first thing he had looked at – a leaf. So, a leaf it became for everyone else.
He was surprisingly okay with it, considering as far as he knew he was the only person in history to not have a soul mark. Well, that was until he had met Awsten.
Otto wasn’t quite sure what to make of him when he walked into that room with his one shaved leg, bleach patches and swim trunks. But their friendship became so intense so fast that it honestly scared Otto a little bit. He'll always regret that one year when he stopped talking to him, but he had never connected so much with anyone before and the disastrous recording incident had been the last straw. Safe to say he had been ecstatic when Awsten sent him those demos.
In the year or so since then, Otto had gotten to know him even better. Awsten had told him all about things like his vision with the band or his weird fascination with teeth. Oh, and there was also the fact that Awsten was obsessed with soul marks and soulmates. Well, mostly just with finding his soulmate. It's not that Otto could blame him, though, it was all everyone around him was saying. From schools to churches to family, it was a favorite topic for people in their neck of the woods. So it didn't bother Otto. It was just one of Awsten's Things.
That was until one rainy afternoon. They had planned to go out to a Chipotle, but the intense storm outside had been discouraging enough that they ended up staying inside, playing video games instead, when Awsten suddenly put his controller down. He turned towards Otto with a serious expression.
“I gotta tell you something. Something I've never told anyone.”
Oh boy. Otto pressed pause on the game. This sounded serious. “What is it?”
Awsten looked down, rubbing his bicep sheepishly. “You know how I'm like, obsessed with soulmates?”
Otto wasn't sure where this was going, but he nodded.
“Well, it's only really cause it's sort of been... Made hard for me to find mine. What I mean is,” he took a small breath, “I don’t have a soul mark.”
Otto's breath hitched. That's. That. No way.
Awsten stared at him worriedly. “You’re not freaked out or anything, right? It's just, we've been friends for a while now, and you've always been so casual about the whole soulmates things, so I thought,” he gestured around vaguely with his hands. ”Y'know.”
“No, it's just,” said Otto quickly. “I thought–“
“It wasn’t possible?” interrupted Awsten.
Otto shook his head. “No! No, I thought. I thought I was the only one.”
Awsten squinted at him. “Wait, but you– It’s– What? Hold up, are you saying that you don’t have a soul mark either?”
Otto bit down on his lip and nodded.
Awsten's eyes lit up and he grinned. “Holy shit. Holy shit! That's so– Oh my god! Shit, Otto, I could kiss you right now!” Awsten looked so giddy, and Otto couldn’t help the flustered, fluttering feeling in his stomach. Awsten looked absolutely beautiful at that moment, which, yeah, maybe that was a weird thing to think about your friend, but Otto would worry about that later. “Oh, dude, we can figure out a way together now!” Awsten exclaimed.
This threw Otto off a bit. “A way to what exactly?”
Awsten rolled his eyes. “A way to find our soulmates. Duh.” What.
“What?” Otto couldn’t help but say out loudly.
“Well, there's no way we don’t have them, soulmates are like a fact of life! I've always thought maybe mine was blind, so there wasn’t a point to having something visible on me, or maybe they injured their soul mark so it's not visible! Or, or maybe we'll come up with some secret language, invisible ink kind of thing and that's how I've had it on me the whole time! Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about this.”
Otto pursed his lips. “I sorta just made my peace with it.”
Awsten raised his eyebrows. “Dude, are you kidding? You think you don’t have a soulmate? You? You're like the best fucking person I know, there's no way there isn’t anyone out there for you!”
Well, Otto hadn’t really thought of it like that in the first place, and he had had a lot of time to think about it. If he was honest, he thought the soulmate thing was a bit overhyped. So what if there was one person out there who was already a perfect match for you? If you asked him, he'd say it was kinda boring, even. The fun part of relationships was learning about and adapting to each other, in his opinion. Not that he would have told Awsten all that. So he just said, “Sure, I guess you're right,” and left it at that.
“Dude, how is your brain not freezing yet?” asked Awsten. He barely had any of his milkshake missing, while Otto was already over halfway done with his.
“It’s not that cold, man. Besides, it's hot as all hell out here,” Otto said before taking another sip. “And don’t forget, we're celebrating! What's a little headache when we've got an album release tomorrow?”
Awsten slid down from his sitting position with a dramatic sigh. “Don't even remind me, I'm so fucking nervous. You think this will be it?”
“It?”
“You know. The thing that gets a label's attention.”
Otto shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe, maybe not. We'll just make another one.”
Awsten scoffed. “Yeah. And then another and another and another until we fade into obscurity. Sounds great.”
Otto sighed. They both knew how hard it was to make it in the industry, they knew it when they signed up. It was a constant reminder in the back of their minds, and they'd learned to live with it, but sometimes it got to them, and Otto hated seeing Awsten like that more than anything else. “Look, that's not gonna happen. And I'm not just saying that. We've got something special with this band, I can feel it, and I know you can too. We'll get there. If there's one thing I can promise you, it's this.”
Suddenly, Otto found himself with an armful of Awsten. “Thanks,” he muttered into Otto's shoulder. Otto willed his slightly shaky arms to wrap around Awsten. He had never wanted to have a soul mark more than the couple months he'd known about his and Awsten's shared soul mark absence. If only to know if they even had a chance together. The answer would almost definitely be no, but at least he'd know.
The revelation that he was undeniably – and embarrassingly – in love with his best friend, (something that had come to him after several long nights of thinking,) had changed his perspective on the whole soulmate business significantly. Well, not that much, actually, but he did realize he really really wouldn’t mind if Awsten was his soulmate.
“Hello? Earth to Otto?” he heard Awsten say suddenly. He looked down at his friend's half-smiling, half-concerned face. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I just got lost in my thoughts a bit.” He couldn’t stop staring at Awsten's eyes. He was just... So close. He had barely pulled away from the hug.
“I noticed,” said Awsten, his expression losing the worried edge. But suddenly, he cast his eyes down and his smile disappeared. “Can I ask you something?”
Now it was Otto’s turn to worry. “Of course.”
Awsten closed his eyes for a second, and took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about a lot of things recently, y'know, sleepless nights cause of the album and all that. And it's– What if the soul mark was no soul mark.”
Otto drew his eyebrows together. “What do you mean?”
“What if,” Awsten swallowed. “What if having no soul mark is my soul mark.”
Otto was left speechless for a moment. “So...”
“So. Yeah.” Awsten flashed a quick grin, and looked away.
Otto cupped his cheek to lift his gaze back up at him. His thoughts were racing a million miles an hour. “And. You want this?”
Awsten looked at him and nodded. “Yeah.”
Before Otto could say anything else, Awsten leaned in and pressed their lips together. Fireworks didn’t go off, the birds didn’t start to sing love songs and the fountain of youth didn’t bubble up from the ground, but it was perfect nonetheless, because it was Awsten. It was slow and sweet, and it didn’t last long, but Otto wouldn’t have changed it for the world. They leaned their forehead against each other's.
“Your guess might be wrong,” mumbled Otto.
“I know. But until something proves otherwise, I'll believe it. I just don’t know what to tell our friends without, y’know, revealing the whole no soul mark hey-we've-been-lying-to-you-guys-for-years thing.” Awsten laughed bitterly.
“We'll come up with something. Until then– We'll just keep this to ourselves. That okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.”
Otto could definitively say that the summer of 2014 was the best summer he had ever had. Filled with passing out flyers, playing shows, stolen kisses and half-finished Chipotle meals, it was hands-down the best few months Otto had lived through. Of course, like all good things, it has to come to an end. Although Otto would have really appreciated if it wasn’t a sudden, disastrous, crashing halt in the form of a blue frisbee.
There was no chance Awsten could have ducked in time. Before Otto could even get a syllable out, the stupid piece of plastic had already crashed into the back of his head. Awsten yelped loudly.
“Oh my god, are you okay?!” Otto exclaimed. Awsten rubbed at the painful spot with a wince.
“I think so, but fuck, that hurt like shit. Can you check if it's like bleeding or something?” he asked.
“’Course. Hold on, turn around!” Awsten did. Otto ran his fingers through the barely-pink-anymore strands, lifting them up to see Awsten's scalp. “Okay, good news, I don’t see any blood so f–“ Shit, there was something there.
“Otto? Is something wrong?”
Otto took a silent, shaky breath. “N-no! No severe injuries or anything!”
Shit shit shit shit this couldn’t be happening. Right under his fingertips were three black diamond shapes arranged in a triangle. A soul mark. Fuck. He had to tell Awsten. He had to. Damn it.
“What is it then?” his boyfriend asked, oblivious to the storm of thoughts that had overtaken Otto's brain.
“Nothing. I just realized my little cousin's football match is today and I have to go because I'm already late.” The words just came out of his mouth like he had no control over them. Awsten turned back around.
“You always forget everything, don’t you?” he said fondly. “You should go then, we'll finish the date tomorrow.” He gave Otto a quick peck on the lips.
“Cool, thanks!” was all Otto could say. He took off running and only stopped once he finally saw a public bathroom. It smelled as gross as it looked, but he didn’t care. He rushed up to the mirror, and started looking through his hair, struggling to keep the curly locks out of the way. It took him a while, but he managed to see every part of his scalp. It was empty. He was fucked.
He stumbled out of the facility, but he didn’t get very far before he was leaning his back against a wall and sliding down.
Otto had never really been the crying type. Sure, a couple good movies could make him tear up, but that was it, really. He hadn’t cried the first time he fell off a tree. He hadn’t cried when his first girlfriend dumped him in 8th grade. He hadn’t even cried when he discovered he didn’t have a soul mark. But as he sat by that disgusting wall that had probably been pissed on a million times and hugged his legs to himself, his vision blurred and he felt hot tears run down his cheeks. Just thinking he was the only person without a soul mark – that would have been fine. But finding someone who was seemingly just like him, feeling like he finally wasn’t alone in this thing, and then having that taken away... It was like someone had ripped his heart in two.
He could keep this to himself. He really could. If he just never told Awsten, who knows how long it’d take for him to discover it by himself. And they could just stay together without any problems. But he couldn’t actually do that. Not really. The guilt would eat him up inside. He couldn’t keep Awsten from finding his perfect match, couldn’t be that selfish. And if Awsten found out that he knew, he would never forgive him. He had to tell him and he had to tell him today.
He stayed there for god knows how long, just sitting and crying silently. After a while he got up and texted Awsten.
We need to talk. Meet me at our spot.
The thing they called “their spot” was the half-rotten old bench they had drank their milkshakes on that one June afternoon. Otto didn’t look at the reply he knew Awsten had sent as he was on his way. When he got there, Awsten was already sitting, illuminated by the setting sun behind him, surrounding him in an almost halo-like manner.
“Hey,” he said when he spotted Otto. “What happened?”
Otto sat down next to him, staying quiet. Awsten’s earnest expression almost made his eyes tear up again. “I'm sorry... I'm sorry for not telling you immediately.”
Awsten took Otto's hands in his own. “What’s wrong, Otto? You're freaking me out, did someone die?”
Otto shook his head. “No, no, nothing like that, It's just. I found your soul mark. Earlier in the park, when I was looking through your hair. And I'm sorry for lying, but I just panicked and I had to get away, and...”
“Wait wait wait, hold on a second. You found what?”
Otto sighed. “Your soul mark. On the back of your head. Under your hair.”
Awsten blinked. “Oh.”
Otto huffed a humorless laugh. “Yeah.”
Awsten ghosted a hand over the back of his head. “And it's...”
“Three black diamonds in a triangle shape. Look, spare me the speech, I know exactly what this means.” Otto crossed his arms.
“No, I–“
“I know how badly you want to find your soulmate. And now you can do it. We know for sure it's not me, so I'll just. Get out of the way.” Otto squared his jaw. He didn’t want to cry in front of Awsten.
“Otto I– Fuck! Listen to me first, will you? I love you. I love you, I really do.” Awsten's eyes were glistening. Damn it, Otto didn’t want this.
“I know you do. And I love you too. But I know the moment you find your soulmate this will be all over, and it will be messy. So we should end it when it can still be simple and we can go back to being friends. I don’t want this to ruin things between us, or break the band up.”
Awsten looked like he wanted to argue, but after a moment the fight left his body and he slumped down. “You're right.” He then suddenly grabbed Otto by the back of his head and kissed him passionately. Otto couldn’t resist returning it.
“Aws,” breathed Otto.
Awsten pursed his lips. “I know. I'm sorry. But you just. You have to know that this doesn’t change how I feel about you.” He swallowed. “You’re right, I know you’re right, but I also know that I love you, and I just– I just need some time. Alone. I'm sorry. I'll see you at soundcheck next week, alright?”
“Alright.”
Otto went home and for the first time, he allowed himself to hate the fact that he didn't have a soul mark.
It happened way too soon. Of course it did. Awsten was always going to find his soulmate quick once he figured out what to look for. Otto knew that. But still, when a pretty, blonde girl walked up to him after a show in December, and introduced herself as “Grace, Awsten's soulmate,” he wanted to throw up.
Otto couldn’t believe this was happening. He was sitting in a room in Los Angeles with his friends and he was about to get signed to a label.
“Okay, one last thing,” said the man in front of them. “Soul marks.” And that's when Otto's stomach dropped.
“What about them?” asked Geoff. Otto could see Awsten's complexion turning an ashy tone. He suspected he was in a similar state.
“You can't show them. At all. We can’t have some crazed fan faking one. But we have to know where they are.”
“Isn't that a little personal?” asked Otto.
The man pursed his lips tensely. “It's part of the contract.”
“Okay, well, mine's on my thigh, so as long as I don’t wear shorts hiding it won’t be a problem,” said Geoff.
The man looked at Awsten pointedly. Awsten glared back. “I've already found my soulmate.” Great, like Otto needed to hear that again.
“That doesn’t make a difference in this case.”
Awsten crossed his arms. “Fine. It's on the back of my head, under my hair. Nobody will see it unless I shave it. Happy?”
The man looked pleased. He turned his gaze to Otto. Otto looked down. “It won’t be a problem.”
“Why is everyone in this band so hesitant about their soul mark?! Just say where it is, I'm telling you, we cannot sign you otherwise.” He was starting to sound frustrated.
Otto could lie. He could say he had one somewhere, and risk breaking the contract if he got found out. So again, he was left with no choice about something regarding soul marks. Great. “I don’t have one.”
“Very funny. Where is it?”
“I’m not joking. I don’t have one. I've never had one. You can check, if you want.” Otto hated this. He saw Geoff looking at him with wide eyes, and Awsten looked ready to throw up.
“Are you sure?” the man asked with his eyebrows raised.
“I’m positive.”
Fame was starting off great.
They were fighting. Again. It was like the third time that day. And Otto and Geoff were stuck listening to them in the other room, pretending not to notice. Otto didn’t understand what they could fight so god damn much about, especially considering they were soulmates. Weren’t they supposed to be perfect for each other or something? Well, whatever it was, it was making Otto very happy. As annoying as the shouting was, and as bad as he felt for finding enjoyment at Awsten's expense, he couldn’t help but think about how he never fought with Awsten like this in the months they were together.
"I can't believe Awsten had to invite her again. His throat is gonna be sore, I swear," Otto complained.
“Yeah, but also, what the hell is up with him and you, anyway?” asked Geoff suddenly.
“Huh? With Awsten? Nothing, what do you mean?” Man, seemed like he really was not being subtle.
“Come on, I'm not an idiot. Something definitely happened between you, you've been acting all weird whenever Grace is around.” Great. Just how obvious was he?
“You’re imagining things, Geoff. Just drop it.” God Otto really didn’t want to talk about this.
Geoff sighed. “Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole here, I'm just worried about you. Both of you. Awsten keeps fighting with the person who's supposed to be his soulmate, and you look like you just bit into a lemon every time you look at her. Please, just tell me. I don’t want to lose my band over this.” Damn it, Geoff always knew the right thing to say somehow.
“Fine. We dated.” Geoff gave him a look.
“ Well I assumed that much.”
Otto sighed. He really was not getting out of this, huh. “Last summer. We thought we were soulmates.”
Geoff looked confused. “But you don’t–“
“I know. I don’t have a soul mark. Awsten thought he didn’t either. We gave it a try, I found his soul mark and we broke up. That's it.” Otto couldn’t bear to look at Geoff.
“Awsten thought he didn’t have a soul mark? Awsten? Really?” Geoff sounded genuinely shocked.
“Well, it was under his hair. He just considered it a challenge. And then we thought our soul mark might just be empty space, but turns out, we were wrong. It happens.” Otto was not going to cry about this. It had been a year ago, for fuck's sake.
“Well, if it's any help... I'm sorry.”
Otto smiled bitterly. “Thanks.”
Just then, the door burst open and Grace stormed out. She turned on her heel as she got to the front door. “You know Awsten, I fucking hate you!” she yelled, and promptly left. Well then.
“You want me to check on him?” asked Geoff, pointing at the now open door of the bedroom.
Otto shook his head. “No, I'll do it.”
He got up and walked to the room, knocking on the doorframe. Awsten looked up at him and smiled.
“Hey,” he said softly. Okay, so that was unusual. “Can you come in and close the door?”
Otto was starting to get suspicious, but he complied, and sat down on the desk chair across from Awsten, who was sitting on the bed. “Is something wrong?” he asked.
Awsten shook his head. “No. I just did something I should have done a long time ago.”
Otto raised his eyebrows. “And that would be...”
“I broke up with Grace.”
Otto sat there and blinked a couple times. “I’m sorry, what?”
“I broke up with Grace,” Awsten repeated, like it was a totally normal thing to say.
“Are you trying to tell me you broke up with your soulmate?” Otto said in disbelief.
His friend just nodded. “Yep.”
“Okay, um, one question, what the fuck, Awsten?!” What kind of person breaks up with their soulmate? No wonder she was so pissed!
Awsten's face crumpled. “Okay, I know you think I'm crazy, but I can explain. I realized soulmates are fucking bullshit. God, I've been such an idiot this whole time, but finally, I know. I know what I want. I know who I want. And it's you.”
Okay, somebody was losing it. Otto wasn’t sure if it was him or Awsten, but there had to be a crazy person in this equation. “I don’t understand, what... Why? And why now?”
Awsten took a deep breath. “Because it's been a year. I woke up today, and I realized it's been exactly a year since you found my soul mark. And I just started thinking about– about you and all of it, and I just. I did it. I broke up with Grace.”
Otto still could not comprehend that. “But. She was your soulmate! She was supposed to make you the happiest you could be!”
Awsten scoffed. “Did I look happy? I sure as hell didn’t feel happy. All I've been thinking of these past months is how much happier I felt with you. And that's what I finally understood today! If I'm happier with you, why should I keep trying to force myself to think being with my soulmate is better. You had it right the first time, Otto, all this time! Before I ever found out you didn’t have a soul mark, I just saw how you didn’t give a shit about finding your soulmate, and that's exactly it! Who the fuck cares about fate and souls and destiny, or whatever? I don’t need some mystical person who ‘completes me' when I've got you! You're the only one who matters. The only one who ever really mattered.”
Otto was speechless. That was...
He practically jumped into Awsten's arms, and kissed him like it was their first time all over again. “I love you,” he whispered as he pulled away from the kiss. Awsten dragged him back in again. “I love you. I love you, I love you,” Otto repeated between each kiss.
When they finally ran out of breath, they just stared at each other for a second, then burst out laughing. “We’re idiots, aren't we?” asked Awsten, grinning from ear to ear.
“Definitely,” Otto answered.
And, if as the years went on, and a small butterfly faded into existence above their hearts – well, that was their business, and their business only.