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There is no other feeling than falling in love, the heavy thumps of your heart, the soft voices of admiration and love, the touches, the kisses, there is no other feeling like that. Nothing could come close to it even, the feeling of love was grand, something to be cherished and something so rare.
There is also something rare about a Knight of Favonius and a Fatui Harbinger. One in a million, that's what Childe called their relationship. A twist of fate even, they were destined to be. Their paths crossed for a reason, not to cross blades (to his dismay) but to be lovers. Kaeya agreed though couldn't help but laugh at how devoted Childe was, much softer than he thought a deadly war criminal would be.
Though he never saw Childe as a war criminal, not since their first meeting. Just saw him as someone similar to him, people using what's given to them to their advantage. Two sides of the same coin, that's what they were and that sparked a connection between them. Childe was quick to trust, quick to listen to Kaeya's every word with deep interest and compassion, eager to listen and eager to fight. Kaeya was like an opposite, he was suspicious of the ginger. Stating so but Childe only laughed, amused and continued to talk to him and continued to trust him.
He supposed those advances paid off, or they could stir more trouble. Kaeya liked trouble, so did his partner in fact he was known for that trouble. Though doing anything wicked or wrong was far off Childes mind when he was with Kaeya. He would rather be wrapped in the others arms than digging a blade into someone's chest.
That's what love does to someone, he supposes. He's never felt this.. soft, soft would be the right word for how he felt. That's a word he used for weak people but with Kaeya he doesn't feel weak, he feels vulnerable but not weak.
Childe suspects he is growing soft, domestic even.
Kaeya suspects the same.
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When the snow sticks to the ground, to the leaves and the weather grows cold, Childe stays at Kaeya's home. Not concerning himself with Harbinger work, he speaks little about it and Kaeya rarely asks information about it. He doesn't see it as his place to so never presses on for information.
This snowfall, things seem to be more tense with Childe. Even if he acts as his usual self, cleans and cooks for Kaeya as he always does; Kaeya can tell something is bothering his partner. He is skilled at reading people and Childe always seems to have his thoughts plastered on his forehead.
"Is something bothering you, Ajax?" Their room is dimly lit, with a candle. He's sat on the edge of the bed, taking all his little accessories and his fur off carefully.
Childe is laying down, he's used to the low temperatures so doesn't need to get ready for bed. "Nothing is wrong, why do you ask?"
"You just seem bothered, you didn't ask me to spar like you always do" he teases.
Childe laughs quietly, a sound Kaeya grows fond over during their time together. "Oh you're right, I guess I'll have to ask you twice tomorrow then, don't I?"
"I'll say no to both times" Kaeya hums, sounding annoyed but Childe know he isn't.
"Can't help to ask"
Kaeya shakes his head, dismissing what he says before continuing. "Are you sure you're alright, there seems to be something else on your mind"
"The only things on my mind are you and future battles"
"Is that so? I'd be a shame if you weren't telling the truth, you did promise to be truthful to me. You are a man of word, aren't you?"
Childe falls silent for a moment. Kaeya always finds a way around what he says, it's not that it surprises him. It just makes him wonder how he does it so effortlessly. "Very well then.." he murmurs, tone more serious. "It's nothing really. Just some things I wish I could participate back with the rest of the Fatui" he admits.
"A battle" Kaeya nods his head. "If you want to go Tartaglia, I won't stop you"
Another silence, Kaeya doesn't move or say another word. "I don't want to"
"That's a first"
Childe scowls, not because Kaeya is wrong because what he says is true. This is the first time in a long time he has rejected a fight, it was rare for him to ever turn down something like that. "I would rather spend the rest of winter with you, fighting or not"
Kaeya hums again, amused by his answer. "Are you sure? Really, I wouldn't mind if you left. It would let me get a lot more work done"
"Yes I'm sure, the minute I go to the door you would tell me not too take too long this time or to come back home soon" Childe attempts to copy the others smooth, and playful voice.
"Are you sure, that doesn't sound like me" Kaeya shook his head, he moves to lay down next to the ginger.
"I'm more than sure" Childe smirks now, he moves towards Kaeya laying his chin on the other mans shoulder.
Kaeya rolls his eyes, or well the eye that isn't covered by an eyepatch. "Whatever you say" he murmurs. "We should get to bed now, shouldn't we love?"
"If you would like" Childe answers, he and Kaeya envelop in a sweet goodnight kiss before blowing out the candle Kaeya keeps at his bedside.
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Childe has to leave when the snow melts from the ground, he has business with the Fatui so he can never stay in place for too long. Kaeya would never admit it but he dislikes when Childe leaves, he hates to see the man go and he hates to wait for letters. It's not that he wasn't ungrateful for the things Childe sends him and what he writes him, he loves every single thing. He dislikes being away from him.
He would never admit it but Childe could tell, Kaeya is much harder to read but he had learned his behavior. He reassures him every time, Kaeya walks him to the rest of the Fatui. The lower rank members of course and he isn't embarrassed being affectionate with Childe infront of them, this wouldn't be the first time they said farewell with them near.
"I'll be back soon" Childe murmurs to him, fondly as he presses his forehead to Kaeya's.
Kaeya's frown shifts into a small smile, he can't help but smile when he was around him. His mood was infectious, so was him smile. "Of course, you have to. Who else will ask me to fight and tell me their battle stories?"
"You see, there's nothing to be sad about. You won't even notice I'm gone" his tone is soft, which is rare for him. He's usually loud and prideful but now his voice is soft and full of love, a tone he saves for Kaeya.
"Alright, return to me soon love" Kaeya presses a kiss to Childes lips carefully. "Have fun fighting" he pulls away, laughing quietly as he does.
Childe grins, face tinted with pink. No matter how many times they kiss he always managed to blush, it was sweet and Kaeya thought it was cute. "I will, until next time Kaeya"
"Until next time Ajax"
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Childe hasn't returned any of his letters, usually he would expect at least five from the harbinger when he gathered his mail but as the months go on he receives none. Kaeya can't help but think of the worst case scenario, he realizes how deadly being Fatui is. He always thought Childe would be safe, he was powerful, he spoke a lot but he could handle himself in a battle. He's heard every worthy battle Childe has ever been in, he's always come out with a few scratches so the harbinger to stop responding to his letters could only mean something.
The lack of letters doesn't mean he doesn't stop sending them, he writes him pages upon pages. Always starting with 'I hope you are well, did someone finally outmatch you?' before continuing on. It eases his mind writing to the ginger, even if his worries eat him away. He tries to be positive about it, maybe he really had been knocked out. It wouldn't be the first time but for this many months? It was unlikely and Kaeya isn't very optimistic.
Though that doesn't stop him from hoping he gets a response or even better the harbinger walks through the door and tells him about the battle he had fought. He can't help but miss that, he hopes Childe returns to him soon.
To cope with his worries and undeniable loneliness, he drinks his sorrows away and rereads the letters Childe had sent him before. He recalls the moment he received these letters and how he felt reading them even in his drunk state, it's almost enough to drive him to tears. Though puts the letters away when his eyelashes become wet and he sniffles.
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He's missing, assumed to be dead.
Kaeya can't quite process it, can't believe he's gone. Or he assumed that he was, it's been over a year.
Childe didn't return that winter, not like he told him to. No letters, no indications he was even alive. He once thought Childe had finally gotten tired of him and left the minute he got a chance but he knows that's unlikely, Childe would never do that to him. Or he can only assume, no one truly knows eachother. Kaeya knows that better than anyone but this once, he let's his logical thoughts numb.
He knows Childe would never leave him so suddenly, leave him worried and aching.
Aching. He can barely go a day without letting the other man enter his thoughts. The thoughts either good or bad, he doesn't care.
His job performance had been dwindling as the months went by, not all at once. It came slow, he put more effort into being a knight as a result but all it did was leave him burnout and miserable. He never felt more miserable, the worst part is that he won't ever now what happened to him. He can only have his assumptions. Having that is worse, being able to think of any and everything that could have happened to Childe was only making him more miserable.
His mind goes to gruesome places, his heart sinks at the thought.
He feels sick even thinking about Childe being injured. Knowing he couldn't protect someone he cared for, he felt guilty. He should have asked him to stay longer, maybe it would have changed this outcome, maybe not. Kaeya knows there's nothing he could do now, he wish he could have done something.
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He receives a letter after winter passes, it's different than any letter he's received before. It has no sender, the only words written on it are his name and his address.
'To whom it may concern,'
Kaeya closes the letter, unable to continue it. He places the letter down on his desk before grabbing onto the edges to hold himself, he knows what letter has been sent to him. It confirmed what he thought, he was a fool for having any hope that the man might return. He can't bring himself to look at the letter or it even give it another thought, his chest feels heavy as if the weight might drop him to the floor. If he fell now, he was unsure if he would be able to get up. Would there even be a point? He had just lost his companion, Kaeya grimaces. He had lost his other half, his lover.
"Fuck" Kaeya takes in a deep breath, he can feel himself begin to tremble and shake as the reality sets in.
He feels nothing but anguish, he doubles over as the grief overwhelms him and he can feel tears spike at his eyes. His nails dig into the wooden desk, he doesn't care enough to think about ruining the wood or his nails. The tears blur his vision, his body shakes violently and he feels sick. He feels so many things all he can do is hold the desk and mourn.
Comfortability was a horrible thing. The routine the two men shared, it only brought Kaeya pain when it ended. It brought both of them pain, the blue haired one could only imagine what the other man went through. His heart throbs and his thoughts wander. He should have done more, he was stupid letting the harbinger go. He could have asked him to stay longer, would that have prevented this? He was unsure, though he didn't care. He wish he could have spent more time with him, gave him more attention, been with him more and he wish he could have kissed him one last time.
Kaeya places a gloved hand over his mouth as he attempts to regain his posture. He can't, he can't even stand up straight before he falls to his knees and curls up.
"Why me?" he murmurs, hollow and empty now. "Why him?"