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They're fighting again. A not so rare occurrence in Hell Hall these days.
They didn't use to fight. But ever since Cruella made her grand debut it's all they seemed to do.
“This isn’t you Estella.” Jasper calls after her.
And, really, she’s so tired of hearing this.
She whirls around and rams a black and white painted fingernail right at the center of Jasper’s chest.
“Then you don’t really know me, do you ?” She half shouts.
She’s angry, she knows it, can feel it bubbling in her core. But there’s also a burning sensation that’s threatening to take her breath away. A choking, near suffocating, tightness in her throat she’s fighting to keep at bay.
They've been at this for the better half of an hour already. Horace nowhere around to jokingly bring them down from their heated back and forth.
She doesn’t even remember how this argument started. It could have been anything, what with the way they’d been fighting lately. Maybe she’d been too blunt, maybe a joke she’d made hadn’t landed right, maybe she did something, said something, thought of something? In the end it was always her fault, wasn’t it? Her life was one big 'what did Estella do now?' .
“That’s Cruella talking ain’t it? She’s mean and cruel and the Estella I know wouldn’t act this way.” Jasper says with a bite to his words that has her reeling back. The words trigger her in waves, beating down the carefully constructed walls she'd built around herself long ago. Wave after wave knocking down her self control until finally she’s had enough.
“There are not two sides to me!” She pushes away from him, frustration building to the point that she can’t even look at him anymore. “This is who I am, who I've always been.” She grits out, hands balled at her sides and shaking.
Jasper is stunned silent and perhaps he has something smart to say but Estella won’t let him. She won’t let her voice be silenced anymore, so she barrels on.
“I’m not afraid to be who I am now. I'm not afraid to be myself.” Her voice trembles and she shuts her eyes. “You don’t truly know me because I never showed you who all I was!” Her breath hitches but she refuses to back down. It’s now or never, she needs this out or else this unwanted criticism of her person would never end.
“I’ve always had to hide myself." She pulls at her own hair, knows he remembers the extent she'd gone to cover it up, and she's desperate to get him to understand it now. "Always made to feel ashamed and wrong and never knowing why .” Her voice cracks by the end but she’s shouting again and she can’t hold back.
Catherine would always be her mother in her heart but her love for her was forever tainted by the bitter truth. The truth that the Baroness was her actual birth mother, a mother she didn’t grow up knowing or loving. A mother that had lived not knowing or loving her in return. So, why then had their shared blood affected her so, why had she been forced to hide her true self all this time just because of a mother she’d never known?
“Estel-”
“It’s CRUELLA now, Jasper.” She cuts him off with a roar that surprises even herself. “It’s Cruella . Estella is dead. Estella was a lie and I won’t live it anymore. Why can’t you understand that?”
She shakes her head and is dizzy because of it. She’s never had this much anger burst forth so swiftly and violently. But as quickly as her temper flared, it's now rapidly dying out, she’s running on fumes and pretty soon all that will be left behind is the despair she can feel scraping against the base of her skull.
Jasper was... is her best friend and it’s painful to think he can’t accept her. It’s gut wrenching to think they can’t survive this when they've been through so much.
“I’m sorry this is all coming as a shock to you Jasper. I’m sorry but I’m not going back into hiding. I won’t!” Is she crying? She wonders faintly. Through her rage she gets the sensation of something sliding down her hot cheeks but she’s too caught up in the moment to process it just yet.
“ I don’t want to lose you or Horace but I can’t keep having this fight with you.” She’s most definitely crying now as every other word breaks with a hiccup and fresh tears. Her head is tilted to the floor because she no longer feels strong enough to hold her head up high. The soft patter of tears the soundtrack behind her pauses as she tries to catch her breath.
“Cruella....I-”
“I’m sorry that this is who I am! I’m sorry that I can’t be that scared little girl anymore. I’m so-”
She’s cut off with a gasp of her own as she’s suddenly scooped up in warm, familiar arms.
“That’s enough Cruella.” Jasper begs, “You can stop now, I get it.” His voice is muffled and quiet as he buries his face into her black and white hair. “Please stop.”
Cruella trembles and in the back of her mind she thinks of pushing away, because she’s still angry. But Jasper is holding her tightly and not packing his bags and leaving her like she surely thought he would. And, with the way her sobs finally bubble out of her throat, she has no choice but to stop.
He holds her through her distress. They don’t say a word for minutes, hours, days, Cruella doesn’t know anymore. She’s sniffling, pressed up between his chest and shoulder, her hands numb where they’d been gripping his jacket too tightly.
When she finally moves back enough to look up at him she’s surprised by what she sees. Yes, she probably looks a mess, her eyeliner streaked and mascara clumpy and thick but Jasper eyes are just as wet and red-rimmed. He still gives her a wobbly smile; moves to hold her face and touch his forehead with hers.
“I’m sorry Cruella.” He finally says, voice laced with guilt as his thumb strokes her cheek and wipes away the tears that still lingers there. “You’re right. And, I’m sorry. I haven’t been fair to you and I certainly haven’t been a very good friend.”
Fat drops blur her vision again and she’s no longer sobbing but the tears come anyways. Jasper’s brow furrows in worry and he brushes her hair back gently as he continues.
“I’m not trying to come up with excuses…I guess I’ve been more upset with myself for not realizing sooner how much you’d been keeping inside.” He pauses and lets out a deep sigh.
“And, you’re right; you’re not Estella or Cruella. You’re both, you’ve always been both but this is the complete you. The full version of you for the whole world to see. And it’s cruel of me to ask you to be a version of yourself you don’t love.”
Cruella can’t speak. She’s beyond words; she’d been so sure she was losing a friend forever with her outburst. Sudden understanding and acceptance in Jasper’s words. Something she'd never experienced before except a time years ago when a newly orphaned little girl befriended two orphaned little boys.
“I’m sorry Cruella. I’m sorry I made you cry. You have every right to be angry with me.”
Jasper moves as if to let her go, like he’d just realized that maybe she didn’t want to be touched but Cruella quickly releases her hold on his jacket only to slide her arms around his waist in return. His arms tighten around her and she realizes how much she’s missed this.
She had been trying so hard to be different, to break away from her former self, that she had inadvertently avoided any physical contact with the two people she held most dear. Anything that could be viewed as soft or seen as a weakness she had pushed away. In this embrace she now knows how foolish she had been as well.
“Thank you Jasper.” She says into his shirt. Now too embarrassed to be seen this way.
Jasper lets out a short chuckle and gives her a few good squeezes. “No thanks necessary, love. I’ve needed you to shout at me like this for a while now. You’ve put me right in my place, you have.”
Now it’s Cruella’s turn to laugh. “Oh, don’t remind me. I really was so mad but I should have told you all this before it got to this point.” She peers up at him again, tears drying and her heart so much lighter. “Have we made up?”
“You tell me.” There’s that crooked grin that she loves.
Loves.
“Hmm…” Her tone teasing, “I think….a kiss. To make us both feel better. Don’t you think so?”
And, maybe that last bit wasn’t full of the confidence she’d hoped to exude, but Jasper still smiles down at her in that way he does when she’s done something particularly endearing to him.
"Well, if it'll make us feel better…" He replies slowly, one hand moving to cup the back of her head. Her own arms wrapping around his neck, silently beckoning him lower to meet her.
“It would.”
Their lips meet and it’s so chaste, just a brushing of lips, but it's enough. It’s forgiveness, friendship, love and acceptance. It’s the end and the beginning; a promise of something new and exciting.
“Oi, lovebirds!”
They startle and nearly hit their heads together when they both look over to spot Horace in the doorway.
“Love to see you both getting your heads out of your arses but dinner is ready and Wink and Buddy won’t wait for you lot forever.” His ire is all for show and there’s a twinkle in his eyes as he motions for them to move to the dining hall even as he’s already turned and gone the way he came.
“Well…” Jasper starts, a little awkward but eyes still soft even as he pulls away from her. “After you, my lady.” He says with a grin.
But, Cruella shakes her head; grasps one of his hands in her own and with an airy laugh she declares, “ No, together darling.”