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Atsushi hated Akutagawa.
He hated the way his heart beat every time his eyes met.
He hated the way his pulse raced every time when the opposing hands dug into his skin.
He hated the way a silly smile appeared on his mouth when he watched the love bites (ironic) that his partner? rival? lover? let him.
He hated the way he loved him.
But he hated most knowing it wouldn't be reciprocated.
And that love was killing him.
"Atsushi, I don't want to force you but are you sure you don't want to do the surgery?" Surrounded by the winterweed petals, Yosano felt trapped.
She lost hundreds of patients on the operating table, but the worst were, undoubtedly, those who refused to be treated, resigning themselves to a slow and painful death.
"I'm sorry Yosano-sensei. I can't do it." With a sad smile, Akiko understood. She was sorry too. "Just, don't tell anyone, I don't want the others to find out."
Despite how much his love was hurting him, Atsushi didn't want to get rid of his feelings. He didn't want to let go of his first love, his first kiss, his first time, no matter how cruel, poisonous and possessive it was, it was love. It was his love.
He loved the agency but he couldn't love them like he loved Akutagawa.
He made him feel things that he never imagined experiencing, had made him grow as a person and as a skill user. He treated him, for the first time, as a human.
Atsushi couldn't just forget it. He wouldn't be the same without those beautifully and painful memories. He couldn't go back.
"I don't want to ruin your illusions, but it is almost impossible that Ranpo or Dazai didn't know. It's likely that they knew even before you."
Atsushi knew it, yet he wanted to believe that they would not force him to have surgery.
Except they weren't the ones who wanted to end his burgeoning feelings.
It was him.
"I don't want your pathetic flowers. I don't want your useless love. Eliminate it." Akutagawa cruelly cut off his heart.
It hurt.
It hurt even more than the flowers that grew, suffocating him, in his lungs.
It was almost funny, as that plant meant 'I cling to you' but Akutagawa wouldn't let him even cling to it.
Coughing in the operating room, Atsushi wished he could laugh as the yellow carnation petals taunted him.
'Rejection.'
Love was really cruel.
But he wouldn't feel it anymore.
...
Akutagawa hated Atsushi.
He hated his smile, hated his hair, hated the way his eyes sparkled when he kissed him.
He hated the way this young man understood him better than anyone, even himself.
He hated not knowing what to feel when Dazai called him saying that Nakajima was going to die.
For him.
"I think you know what to do, right?" His master's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.
Yes.
Akutagawa knew what to do.
He had to stop the tiger man from making a big mistake.
And if his heart ached for every cruel word he spoke to that man who loved him more than his life, well ...
It's something that only he would know.
After all, Akutagawa hated Atsushi.
Rigth?
No.
That unknown and terrifying feeling that appeared every time Nakajima laughed was love.
Too bad he realized it too late.
"Excuse me, do I know you?" A beautiful and confused Atsushi looked at him as if it were the first time.
Because it was the first time.
"No, we never met."
It was true. He was so scared of those new feelings that he could not open up to the one who had loved him so much. Had.
Because in those sunset-colored eyes love was gone.
Forever.
"Oh I'm sorry, it's just that you looked familiar to me." With a shy smile that destroyed Akutagawa's heart, Nakajima apologized. "Again, my apologies, have a nice day."
And he left.
Laughing or crying, Ryuunosuke could no longer tell which one he was, he coughed up the daisy petals for the first time.
'I share your feelings.'
...
Atsushi had no feelings for Akutagawa.
So when the news broke that the Port Mafia Rabid Dog die, he turned off the TV.
It's good that there was one less criminal in Yokohama.