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The sound of waves was sickening to Maki’s ears as she woke on a beach. ‘This again’, she thought. She was used to it by now, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.
Sitting up, she looked around to see she was sat just so the waves were lapping at her feet. And of course, it wouldn’t be a nightmare without Mai there by her side.
“You need to stop coming here, Maki.” Mai spoke, not taking her eyes off of the vast ocean in front of her, “you can’t bring me back.”
“I know,” Maki responded, her voice little more than a whisper as she curled in on herself, “trust me. I know “
She felt a ghostly hand caress her back trying to sooth her, it felt too real, too warm. She hated it if only for how much it tricked her mind into thinking Mai was here. She shifted away, just out of reach, eying Mai with sorrow.
To her horror she didn’t recognise Mai’s face looking back at her. It was a blurry mess, nothing tangible there, yet it somehow stared back at her with what felt like anger.
“Do you hate me that much, Big sis?” It spoke, standing to tower over her, “is my help that useless to you? The life I gave to you?”
“ No! Stop! You meant everything to me!-“ Maki choked out as she crawled backwards away from the figure.
“Meant. You don’t even care anymore do you? How long till you forget me, big sis?” Mai lunged at her, leaning in ever closer to meet her face. “You killed them all, Maki, and for what? A personal grudge?”
“No! No… I had to. I had to do it,” she trailed off. She tried to wipe her tears away but felt her face get wetter as she dragged blood along her cheeks.
“I hate you, Big sis, my life wasn’t worth it for you.”
And with one blood curdling scream of her own, Maki woke herself up.
|||
She fell out of her bed, panting, mumbling, utterly distraught. Her arm was bleeding again from hugging the sword too tight. It wasn’t deep, so Maki slumped against her wall as she let her panic attack pass, mumbling apologies as she hugged at her sheets. It was about 15 minutes later that she opted to clean and bandage her arm, still shaking.
As she sat in the bathroom, staring at nothing but a wall she wondered what she must look like right now. There were no mirrors in her residence, not since she started seeing Mai looking back at her. She really wished her hair would grow back faster. But that wouldn’t change the face they shared.
After splashing her face and getting some water, she checked the blade itself for blood. There was only a spec, but Maki didn’t want to return to sleep and cleaning the sword was a fine excuse for her. She’d have to get up soon anyway she noted, looking at her alarm.
She sat cleaning the sword in a mindless rhythm, drifting until the sharp sound of her alarm told her it was time for briefing. She took a deep breath as she forced her unreadable expression back onto her face.
__________
“Maki could I sleep with you tonight?”
It was an innocent enough question. Nobara had only just recovered enough to leave Shoko-san’s immediate care, she could imagine how lonely that had been. Before this whole thing they’d spend many nights together but now…
Maki thought of the sword that was tucked away in her bed and suppressed a shakey sigh as she smiled back at Nobara.
“Sure,” she responded, “I’ve missed having you with me.”
It wasn’t wrong but the last think she wanted right now was someone to witness her panic. Especially Nobara. She had enough to worry about on her own.
Maki was still getting used to seeing Nobara move and smile again. Every time she’d visited her in Shoko’s care, Nobara was either unconscious or in agony and it hurt like hell to watch knowing she could have slipped away at any moment.
As she stood in her saddened daze, Maki failed to see Nobara move until her face was right in front of her, staring curiously into her eyes. Maki tried her best to meet them as Nobara tried to analysed her.
“Somethings wrong,” Nobara declared, “you’ve been absent this whole time. what Is it?”
Maki swallowed as she tried to keep her composure.
“I haven’t been sleeping well, that’s all,” it wasn’t a complete lie, “ knowing you’re safe and with me will probably help, so try not to worry too much. I know how you can be.”
Nobara huffed, “what’s that supposed to mean!?”
Maki laughed, “it means you worry too much. You’re a lot sweeter than you let on to other people. I’m real lucky I get that for myself.”
“Okay, okay, the flattery is working. But I’m still worried,” Nobara softened, bringing Maki’s hand to her own, “you’re sure you’re okay?”
Maki nodded. “I’ll be fine,” maki affirmed, pulling away, giving Nobara’s hair one last tussle. Anyway I have some stuff to do before you come over. I’ll text you when I’m done, okay?”
“Gotcha. See you later, Maki” Nobara replied, fixing her hair.
“Love you,” Maki called over her shoulder
“Love you too.” Nobara replied, Maki already well out of earshot.
__________
It was about an hour or so later when Nobara showed up at Maki’s dorm. Maki had cleaned her room properly for the first time in what felt like forever and reluctantly found a spot away from her bed for Mai’s sword. For now she would prop it against her wardrobe for easy access if she felt like she needed it.
Opening the door to see Nobara brought less dread than Maki had thought. She looked chipper, cozy in the large hoodie she wore that was definitely Maki’s at some point. Nobara had brought snacks for them to share before they slept, some of Maki’s favourites she noted. They certainly had a lot to talk about. She set her bag at the foot of Maki’s bed looking around like she’d just come home.
“I’ve missed this room…” Nobara mused, “it smells so much like you, it feels… safe. And you’ve barely changed anything in here too.”
“Yeah I’ve. Been preoccupied,” Maki mumbled out averting her eyes from Nobara. Nobara could guess what she meant and didn’t blame her for not wanting to talk about missions right now.
“I haven’t seen this before though,” Nobara continued, reaching a hand for Maki’s new sword, “where-“
“ Don’t touch her! ” Maki snapped out, jumping to bat Nobara’s hand away before she even processed her own movements.
She stood there, looming, angry, panting. Nobara looked frightened. Maki could imagine how scary she looked, especially with her new scars. The fear on Nobara’s face made her feel sick. What was she even doing?
“I-I mean,” Maki stumbled, pulling away, “sorry just. Don’t touch it. Please?”
Nobara nodded, unsure what to do with herself as she put the pieces together in her head.
“I remember when you would talk to me, when I was still regaining consciousness. And about Mai-“ Nobara felt herself choke a bit, she’d never gotten along with Mai all that well in the beginning but recently… it was still hard to process, nevermind for Maki. “The sword. Is that what she made you?”
Maki sat down on the edge of her bed, her head hung low as she nodded.
“she put what was left of herself into that sword. I couldn’t look after her so instead I-“ Maki cut herself off as she felt her eyes well with tears.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now. I just got you back, I want to think about that. Please?”
Nobara brought herself over to the bed, finding a seat by Maki’s side.
“Of course it is,” Nobara whispered.
She grabbed at Maki’s hand softly, gently running her finger over the scars that covered it.
“This doesn’t hurt, does it?”
Maki sniffled, rubbing her eyes free of tears.
“Not really. It kind of tingles but it’s nice. I’ll get used to it,” Maki rasped. “I’m really glad you’re here, you know that?”
Nobara smiled, trying to urge Maki to look at her as she did so.
“I do. And I’m really glad I have you, too. I’ve been looking forward to being with you ever since thinking about leaving that bed was an option.”
Maki laughed softly as she looked over Nobara’s face. She cupped her face gently, thumbing at the scars that centred around her eye. Nobara seemed to flinch for a second at the feeling.
“You’re right, that does tingle. It’s kind of intense.” Nobara mused, leaning into Maki’s grip despite what she’d said. “Wanna see my eye?”
Maki was surprised at how excited Nobara sounded about showing it off. She was resigned to not asking about it, content for her to keep her eyepatch on infront of her.
“Only if you want to. You really don’t have to,” Maki soothed.
Nobara shook her head gently, moving Maki’s hand away from her face.
“No, I want to. I like that we match,” Nobara said, a little chuckle entering her voice, “it is kinda grim though. It’s cool.”
Nobara closed her eye as she pulled away her patch. For some reason Maki expected to see another closed eye underneath, not the empty hole of altered flesh that she was met with.
“Oh my god…” Maki gasped, trying her best not look uncomfortable, “Nobara I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Nobara replied cheerfully, covering her injury once again, “we both look super cool huh?”
Maki didn’t respond initially, still playing thoughts through her head of Nobara in pain and how she couldn’t help at all.
“Uh… yeah. We do. Makes us more intimidating I suppose.”
“You bet!” Nobara cheered, standing up from the bed to grab her snacks. “Now anyway, let’s stop being depressing and eat some junk, ‘Kay?”
Maki nodded, trying desperately to push her regret out of her mind as they enjoyed their evening.
__________
At some point, Maki did manage to fully immerse herself and have fun with Nobara. For an hour or so she forgot about her worries and gave herself this. Wrapped up in her sheets, hugging Nobara close to her body as her consciousness drifted made her feel safer than she had in a while. But still she fought to stay awake. She knew that her nightmares would come as soon as she allowed herself to rest. She had to stay awake as long as possible.
But before she knew it, Maki was waking up to the sound of waves in her ears and Sunlight in her eye. Seagulls circled above her as her dread settled in.
She sat up, searching for Mai. It was always Mai. Sure enough, there she was by the waves.
Maybe if she didn’t move nothing bad would happen?
Yeah right, she was already moving towards Mai the moment she spotted her. Not spending enough time with her while she was alive was sickening enough. She’d spent so much time thinking about Mai that her body entered autopilot when it saw her silhouette.
“Mai,” Maki blurted out, as she stood next to her.
Mai looked up at her with innocent eyes
“Hi big sis, sit with me won’t you?” Mai smiled and Maki was way too weak for that.
Maki obliged as she sat down as close to Mai as she could. the waves lapped at her bare feet as she looked out onto the horizon, Mai slumped against her shoulder, and it took all Maki had to not break down into tears there and then. Maki returned an arm over Mai’s shoulder pulling her ever closer.
“I love you so much, Mai, I should have made that clearer when you were alive,” Maki sputtered, her chest going tight as Mai laughed softly.
“I’ve always known, Maki. I love you too even though I sucked at showing it. I wanted to be like you do badly.”
“I know..” Maki trailed off.
This was good. Strangely good. By now Mai should be saying something bad and the dream should be breaking apart. We’re her nightmares finally stopping?
“Hey Maki, do you see that?” Mai spoke up, pointing vaugly to the ocean in front of them, “that looks like a person, doesn’t it?”
Maki recognised them immediately even from that distance.
“Yes. Yes it does.”
Maki only stood as she watched them wade further into shore, Mai standing as well remaining at her side as they watched.
Nobara looked like a corpse, the left side of her face oozing blood that glued her hair together and pooled onto her uniform. Her face was pained, eye wide and her mouth agape as she trudged towards them.
“Ma…Ki…” she called, barely more than a whisper as she raised her arm to reach for her girlfriend, “He…lp…. M…e”
With that she fell forward and before Maki knew it she was catching her in her arms. She felt way too liquidy to hold, almost like she was melting, but Maki held tight.
“Nobara! What happened?” Maki asked desperately.
Nobara’s head seemed to gain a life of its own as it looked up at her, the rest of her body still limp in her arms.
“You know what happened,” Nobara spoke, suddenly more capable than before, “you weren’t there to help me Maki. You couldn’t do anything for anyone. What are you even doing?”
With that, Nobara melted in her arms, seeping into the sea leaving Maki shaking.
“Ah!”
Maki swivelled to see Mai sinking into the ocean and once again launched without thinking. She grabbed Mai’s waist trying to haul her out but it simply wasn’t working.
“Maki please! Help!” Mai begged as she clung to Maki’s arms, “ please! I trusted you!”
Maki felt her mind and body grow hot with rage and frustration as she got pulled under slowly with her sister still in her arms.
“ Stop!!! ” She shouted, “you can’t take both of them from me! Please!”
“Maki!”
“No!”
“Maki!”
“Stop it!”
|||
Nobara fell to the floor as Maki launched herself out of bed and towards her sword, gripping it in her arms as she wailed.
Nobara was dazed, barely conscious after the impact of Maki hitting her and the ground but still she clamoured for the lights. When they came on, she saw Maki wrapping around her sword, blood already forming around the cuts it was making on her arms.
“Maki stop! You’re hurting yourself!”
Nobara clamoured towards her and almost reached for the sword before she remembered what Maki had told her. In this state as well…
“please, at least loosen your grip.”
Maki seemed to pause for a moment, panting madly as she met Nobara’s eyes. It didn’t make sense, it really didn’t make sense to her right now.
“You aren’t real! How are you here? I don’t- you died!” Maki croaked as she shuffled away, fear in her eyes.
“Nono Maki, I’m alive. I was just in hospital for a while, okay? You remember?” Nobara knelt a few paces away from Maki, trying to keep her voice steady as she reminded Maki of where she was.
“No you. You died in my arms- the ocean. Fuck!” Maki clutched at her head, she was still too panicked to understand.
“Maki you had a nightmare, okay?” Nobara reached her hand out to gently touch Maki’s bare leg, “I’m here. You feel that?”
Maki seemed to loosen momentarily at the warmth before her mind thrust her deeper into panic.
“Then where’s Mai. Why isn’t Mai here. She should be here, Nobara.” Maki started shaking, the sword slipping out of her arms as she seemed to lose control of her arms. “Where’s my sister, Nobara. I want my sister. ”
Nobara couldn’t bring herself to answer as she saw Maki collapsing in front of her, heaving as she struggled to breathe through her crying and panting. Instead she wrapped herself around Maki, rubbing her back gently as she swayed with her.
“It’s okay Maki, I’m here,” she repeated as Maki continued her mumbling about Mai.
“I just wanted to protect her. I wanted to look after her and watch her get stronger. She looked up to me and I let her down. I wanted to know her better we were just starting to get along. I barely knew anything and now I can’t find out from her. I couldn’t save her and I couldn’t save you. I’m a failure. As a girlfriend and as a sister. I wanted her to know how much I loved her.”
“I know, Maki, I know. She knew how much you cared about her, it isn’t your fault. Nothing that happened was your fault.”
“I killed my entire family! That was my fault! What the fuck was that! I’m a murderer. A Murderer! A fucking Murderer ! I killed an entire clan but I couldn’t save one person!”
Nobara didn’t know how to respond. Maki was weeping and mumbling and she just hoped that soon she would calm down if Nobara gave her enough time.
“Shhhhh,” Nobara soothed, “breathe. I need you to calm down so I can take care of your cuts okay?”
Maki was still heaving but she attempted to steady her breathing for Nobara. She felt lost when Nobara let go of her, but she returned moments later with the bed sheets in tow, wrapping them around both of them as she rested her head on Maki’s shoulder.
“It’s gonna be okay, Maki. You know why? Because you’re the strongest person I know. And I’m the second strongest, here to help you.” Nobara planted a soft kiss on her shoulder. Maki made a strained noise that sounded like it could have been a laugh in response.
They sat there in there embrace for about ten minutes longer before Maki’s breathing steadied and she sat there, hanging her head silently.
“I’m sorry, Nobara,” Maki mumbled. If Nobara wasn’t still resting her head on her shoulder, perhaps she wouldn’t have heard.
“Hey, don’t go apologising after you’re the one suffering,” Nobara insisted, “now am I okay to let go and clean your cuts? Maybe get you some water? Or am I staying attached to you sloth style?”
Maki laughed but it ended as a cough. She nodded.
“Water would be nice,” she agreed.
She stayed silent as Nobara moved away from her wrapping the sheets back over her.
“Thank you,” Maki said to nothing in particular.
Nobara returned with the small first aid kit from Maki’s bathroom and a glass of water she handed to Maki. Maki sipped slowly as Nobara cleaned and patched her wounds, noticing for the first time just how many scars she’d given herself.
“You can’t keep hugging a bare sword like that, Maki,” Nobara spoke softly as she finished up, “it’s too much.”
“I know,” Maki muttered, “I’m not hurting myself on purpose I just- you know.”
Maki hung her head and Nobara used the opportunity to ruffle her hair gently.
“We’ll think of something.” Nobara replied.
Looking up at her smiling face, Maki wondered how the hell she was coping with this so well. She’d barely even panicked as far as Maki could tell.
“How…” Maki began, holding the glass tightly in her hands, “how did you know what to do?”
Nobara grinned.
“Because I know you. And I’ve had panic attacks before, mostly when I was younger. But when I was bed ridden too- this isn’t about me right now though. They weren’t as severe as this but whatever it is I’ll always help you. So please, tell me when you’re worried from now on?”
Maki felt tears crawling down her face again, the last few from her attack perhaps, as she nodded.
“I’ll try. I cant promise but I’ll try.”
“And that’s enough for me,” Nobara said.
__________
Maki found that she actually slept after her talk with Nobara. She still felt embarrassed but that was expected when she was that vulnerable. Nobara had left her room earlier, it seemed, leaving food and water within her reach.
It was about 1pm now and Maki felt the most rested she had in a while. She still didn’t feel too up to moving but she made sure to drink water. She had a text from Nobara saying she would be over soon, luckily only sent about half an hour ago. She had time to wake up a bit before then.
In the 20 minutes Maki spent washing and getting changed, Nobara made it over to her dorm. She had let herself in, unsure if Maki would still be asleep or not, happy to see her up and looking relatively well rested.
Maki greeted her with a meek ‘hi’ remembering what Nobara had watched her go through the night earlier. Nobara simply smiled running over to hug her and pull her down to plant a kiss on her lips.
“I’m so glad you’re okay. You look good too!” Nobara remarked, “well, you always look incredible.” Nobara added, pointedly looking at Maki’s arms.
Maki snorted as she pushed Nobara gently, “shut up,” she softened as she looked over Nobara’s kind face, “but yeah, I’m good thanks to you. You always know just what I need, don’t you?”
Nobara grinned, “I like to think I’m the Maki expert! But speaking of things for you, I got you something.”
Nobara handed Maki a small paper bag. If Nobara got her anything it was usually food but this didn’t seem like that.
Curiously Maki put her hand in, confused when she pulled a roll of thick bandages out.
“Is… this for my arms?” Maki asked tentatively p.
Nobara shook her head, taking the roll in her own hands.
“It’s for the sword. If we wrap it in enough layers I think this stuff will be strong enough to stop you from cutting yourself. Might protect the blade too.”
Maki was- stunned.
“Maki? What’s wrong?” Nobara asked, drawing nearer as she watched Maki hang her head and gently start weeping, “if it’s because of me I-“
Maki holds her close, squeezing her like she’s never going to let go.
“Thank you. Nobara, thank you. I thought-“, Maki hiccuped, “I was sure you’d think it was strange and force me to stop. To do this I-“
“No Maki, not at all,” Nobara spoke, “You’re my girlfriend, I look after you. You’ve been through so much and I wasn’t there to look out for you. I want to make it up to you. Because I love you, Maki Zenin, and nothing you do will ever Change that. If this sword is going to help you that much, then we’re going to make it work.”
“I love you too,” Maki whispered, “I’m so lucky to have you.”
“Shall we wrap the sword?” Nobara suggests as Maki finally shifts away.
“No I- I think I want to do it myself. Later.” She hoped that Nobara would understand and after all this, she believed she would. “For now shall we get food?”
“I’d like that,” Nobara agreed, happy with the peaceful look on Maki’s face.
That night, Maki carefully wrapped the sword layer after layer, slowly snd surely.
“I bet you’d think it was funny that Nobara was helping to protect you,” Maki spoke to the sword, “She’s kind like that. Though I’m sure you were the last person she would go soft on. It’s still a shame, you two were starting to get along.”
Maki smiled as she remembered an outing with all three of them, Nobara and Mai bickering over nothing as they ate sweets together.
“I really hope you can hear me. I get sad when I think you might be alone. But if you’re here with me then I think that’s okay.”
Maki tucked the last of the wrapping into itself as she admired her handiwork. She took it in her embrace, glad that it was somewhat comfortable and most importantly, she wasn’t hurting herself.
“I hope this is okay for you, too, Mai,” Maki whispered, “I get to keep you close, and both of us will be safe. This isn’t exactly how I wanted that to go but I guess this is all we can do.”
She placed the sword on her bed as she reached for the lights, climbing in herself afterwards. She held the sword gently.
“Thank you, Mai. I love you.”