Chapter Text
Cosima collapsed onto the couch beneath her, arms resignedly limp at her sides, head tipping back. She stared blankly above her into the ceiling lights of the lab she and Delphine had been assigned to study the disease currently ravaging her body. She was tired already and they had only been there a week. In that time, she had learned of at least one new clone that had the same disease. Would there be more? Delphine promised her she was being told everything now. She sighed. Delphine. Beautiful, brilliant Delphine. Had it not been for the situation, she would be giddy with happiness right now for having such an amazing person in her life and she hoped, no she NEEDED to know that what was happening between them was real. She had to hang onto something good in her life, some beacon of hope in this mire of fear and unknown she seemed to be delving further into with every day that passed.
She had sat through hours of those videos Jennifer made, glued to the unfolding saga of her illness like a car crash, unable to stop watching even though she knew she wouldn’t like what she was going to see. The final video log, showing her clone gaunt, pale and almost bald with the fight having completely gone from her, had left Cosima feeling sick with fear. She had done her best to hide this, a reflex she had become accustomed to using recently. She tried to remain professional and focus on what needed to be done – indeed the autopsy she and Delphine had performed on Jennifer had revealed a possible starting point for the disease. This was progress, but none the less it was little consolation at this early stage, especially when her trust and faith in Delphine was still in question. Her phone call with Alison had reignited these feelings, though she had tried desperately to push the gnawing doubts down and had ended the call as soon as she could, unable to process what was happening in the lab and what Alison had to say simultaneously. She had gone back to finish the autopsy and close up, telling Delphine distractedly that she needed some time alone before walking out and finding herself here, back in their lab.
Now she was alone, she could no longer hold back all the tension of the last few days, the fear that had been slowly encompassing her and the dreaded feeling that, if she was wrong to put her trust in Delphine, then she really was alone in all this. She leaned forwards, her head in her hands, trying to physically quell the wave of emotion that threatened to overwhelm her. Unbidden though, a tear rolled silently down her cheek before dropping quietly to the floor. Vision blurring as the tears began to well up inside her, she was startled out of her reverie by the sound of the heavy lab door opening, her head jerked upwards, hands quickly wiping the tears from her cheeks as she waited to see who was interrupting her isolation.
The door opened fully to reveal Delphine, Jennifer’s chart still in one hand, a small box in the other. She smiled slightly at Cosima as she quietly closed the lab door, a somewhat apprehensive look on her face, clearly unsure if her presence was welcome or not at this moment. Cosima dropped her head quickly, not wanting Delphine to see her upset, thinking how often she had been the cause of her distress in the last few weeks.
“Hi” Delphine said, pausing, before adding “I know you said you wanted to be by yourself, but I had to see you, I…was worried…when you left earlier, the way you looked”. She swallowed not knowing what else to say yet, approaching Cosima slowly.
Cosima shook her head slightly… “Were you?” she spat, head shooting up to look Delphine in the eye suddenly. “Really? Because you seemed to be too distracted by the science to even notice”.
Delphine opened her mouth to speak, a look of frustration and determination etched on her face, ready to argue to Cosima how wrong she was before seeming to decide on a different approach. She sat down next to Cosima, resting the chart and box she carried to her side gently. She took hold of Cosima’s left hand which had been fisted tightly into the sofa, uncurling her fingers gently to intertwine them with her own. Still, Cosima did not look at her.
“I am sorry you had to see what you saw today – all of it, the videos, her body. But I meant what I said earlier, we did everything we could. It’s important you understand that. We treated her with the best methods science has to offer, but the cause and her cure eluded us all. We simply did not know enough.” Delphine finished, shrugging her shoulders reflexively, as if to physically unburden herself from the guilt that this knowledge caused her.
“Don’t you get it? That’s what scares me the most!” Cosima replied, voice taught with restrained emotion. “That could happen to me, and no one can stop it!” her face creased with anguish and her other hand angrily swatted at the couch on her other side.
“Hey, hey hey,” Delphine shook her hand, forcing her to look at her finally, for the first time seeing the distress in her eyes, “That is NOT going to happen to you, because I won’t LET it! Jennifer did not die in vain, what we can learn from her may prove to be invaluable” she reassured, stroking Cosima’s hand.
Cosima shook her head dejectedly, “You can’t promise that…you just said you did everything you could and you STILL couldn’t save her. How can I have any faith in what you are saying?”
“Then Have faith in ME Cosima, in how I feel for you” she implored, squeezing Cosima’s hand with her own, pleading her veracity with her eyes. She reached up to stroke Cosima’s cheek, gazing into her, heart breaking with the frustration of not being able to do more to reassure her lover. Cosima searched Delphine’s heartfelt words for any hint of deception but could find none. Still, her conversation with Alison was nagging at her. Deciding to broach the subject, she spoke -
“You should know, I wasn’t on the phone with my Mom earlier,” she said, looking away slightly, guilty that she had lied to Delphine despite it being done out of panic and confusion. “She says she has a new Monitor, that because she knows about Donnie that they’ve given her someone else… and that I shouldn’t trust you….I’m sorry…” she offered, after a beat. She looked back to Delphine, slightly wary of how she might react to this news, knowing that it could change everything from here onwards. Delphine sat back slightly, but did not break her hold on Cosima’s hands, her expression somewhat unreadable, before speaking.
“I know. I understand that you want to protect yourself and the others Cosima, I haven’t pushed you to trust me because I know I have no right to, but I need you to know that I am here now because of YOU. Not an experiment, not for Science. EVERYTHING I do is for YOU” She urged, pulling Cosima’s hand to her chest to rest just above her heart, trying to physically show the depth of feeling behind her words. Cosima looked from Delphine’s face to where her hand now rested. She felt Delphine’s heart beating strongly, as if reinforcing her words, every beat dismantling the doubts she had constructed in her mind. Delphine reached out with her other hand to gently wipe away a tear that had yet to roll down her cheek, looking into her eyes, smiling as she murmured
“s’il te plaît ne pleure pas, mon amour”.
This was Cosima’s undoing and, unable to hold herself back any longer, she reached for her lover, needing to be close to her, to feel her, her lips crashing against Delphine’s, seeking reassurance and comfort in her embrace.
Delphine instinctively pulled Cosima to her with her other arm, where it found its way around her waist, with Cosima’s left arm doing the same to Delphine, pulling her close, their bodies now crushed against each other. They needed this reaffirming of their connection, their promise to the other that this was not merely a Monitor and an Experiment but a deep and soulful bond. Cosima deepened the kiss, slowing it down, giving her lover long open mouthed caresses, eliciting slight moans and causing the usually reserved Delphine to do the same. She traced Delphine’s lips with her tongue, teasing and tempting at the same time, encouraging Delphine to let her explore her mouth intimately. Cosima’s tongue meeting her own caused a spark to be lit in Delphine, she needed to show this gorgeous creature just how amazing she was, how beautiful inside and out and just what she meant to her. She drew back and looked straight into Cosima’s eyes as she spoke –
“Every second of every day I have to remind myself to be professional, that I’m supposed to be monitoring you, when all I want to do is Love you”. Cosima took a second to let the meaning of Delphine’s words sink in, before looking straight into the depths of her deep blue eyes as she breathed, in a voice filled with desire,
“Then love me”.