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It was rare to see Sakuya passed out, she was too good for that. Tonight though, she’d fallen asleep sitting on a loveseat, pocketwatch in hand, after a veeeeeeery long day. No one would fault her for it, of course, but she was so anal about it it was almost comical to see her slip.
十六夜咲夜
Izayoi Sakuya
The Amazingly Sleepy Perfect Maid
(she/her)
Beautiful even in slumber, it was like even her body knew she had to be perfect.
So of course, there I was with a marker in one hand, teddy bear in my other—Paddington wanted to watch. He’s cool. He has a sense of humor.
Right! I forgot to introduce myself.
フランドール・スカーレット
Flandre Scarlet
The Epic Edgy Vampire Chicklet
(she/her)
Perfect. You like the title? It’s not too much is it?
Like I give a shit. ^_^
I give a shit, actually, I lied. ._. But it’s not your fault.
I do probably look kinda funny. I’m this ubergoth vampire chicklet with way too much eyeliner (aesthetic as fuck), like a 500-something-year-old college frat girl in a fancy vested dress with earrings and pierced gay-color jeweled wings and shit, and then tucked under my arm is this adorable black teddy bear, completely unironically, and I’m holding him the way a Rich Beverly Hills-ass Real Housewife™ must hold a purse—I guess—I’m not going to check, I don’t have time for that shit. It’s funny though isn’t it? Yeah, exactly! Good mental image.
Don’t be scared, I’m not gonna kill you, I don’t do that shit. I like people. I like their feelings. I feel things miles around me. Maybe not literally miles. It’s kind of intense if too many people are all in the same room as me, too much sometimes, but down in my basement, it’s pretty awesome. I get to enjoy people and take in their vibes without even being there.
Good fucking Satan, though, enough about me—I didn’t mean to talk that long. Let’s talk about them, cuz I saw something awesome that I never see in person. I rarely come outta the basement during the parties, I can’t stay in the big dinner hall for more than five minutes sometimes, but after the parties, usually when the servants are cleaning up, that’s perfect. Nice and quiet, not too many vibes, just right.
I’d just popped the cap off my marker and then I felt the sudden mood shift right behind me—from frustrated-but-relieved exhaustion to utter confusion. Thought it was big sis so I ignored it. Big Sis would never interrupt me at a time like this—she’s an asshat, but she gets it. This is once-in-a-lifetime even for us.
It was not big sis.
“Ummm, what are you doing?” At entirely conversational volume.
‘Fuck,’ I thought, ‘it’s the Hakugyoukuro half-pint.’
魂魄妖夢
Konpaku Youmu
Half-baked Badass
(she/they)
Yeah she’s taller than me, I know, shut up. Not by that much.
I looked at her and smirked, a shushing finger on my lips. People tell me my smirk is full of naughty little mischief and I believe it. Every word.
She sputtered in confusion, but she was getting angry. She was starting to get it. “What are you doing!?” She fiercely whispered. Dumbass. If you wanted to stop me you shouldn’t listen to me.
“What’s it look like? I’m drawing on her face while she’s asleep,” I practically mouthed back to her, shrugging in a little bit of disbelief but also kinda knowing it was Youmu.
“Stop that right now!” They continued to scold in a whisper.
I scrunched my nose at her, still smirking. “No! You’re not my mother, fuck off.” And I turned right back to Sakuya.
Eyes down, sideways. Thinking. Anxious. She was looking for a way in on me. “Well—is Sakuya your mother?”
You see what I mean? You see what I fucking mean? Youmu. Unironic. Can’t make this shit up. “No, dumbass, my mother’s dead. Why do you think I live with my sister?”
Worry worry worry. “Well—then who’s going to stop you!?”
“Ex-act-ly~!” I shrugged like this was fucking obvious because it was.
Determination. Ooh, the Determination. “I’ll stop you.” She put her hand on her sword like she was actually ready to throw.
My eyes and mouth shot wide, but I was impressed. “Ooh! Brave of you! You sure?” I held up a free hand and displayed my beautiful nails, clawing my hand and tapping the points together.
It worked. She started to shiver. Guess she momentarily forgot who I was.
Too bad she didn’t notice I couldn’t clench my fist all the way with that much nail.
Dumbass.
That’s when big sis walked in. She always took a second to assess the situation and think of some foofy thing to say, so she didn’t make a peep. She looked at Youmu, she looked at me, she looked at Sakuya, and the smirk on her face, I swear to Zod, it was naughtier than mine.
レミリア・スカーレット
Remilia Scarlet
Always-stuffy Sometimes-cool Big Sis
(she/her)
You see? She gets it. I nodded back with a smirk just as foul.
Youmu had straightened up, eyes bulging with fear. Even she isn’t dumb enough to be caught dead with a hand on the hilt of her sword anywhere near the Sister of the Scarlet Devil with that bitch in the room.
I got an idea. The funniest idea. I would never do this, which made it even funnier. I offered the marker to my sister and said, “You wanna do it?”
Youmu gulped so loud I thought it would wake the dead—I started to wonder if Sakuya was dead, cuz… nothing.
It was the perfect play. If Remi said yes, she would be the one holding the marker, and Youmu wouldn’t dare interrupt her. She would embarrass her mistress. If Sakuya woke up, Remi wouldn’t be able to pin this on me and pretend she was trying to stop me.
Buuut~ if Remi gave me her blessing, that meant I was untouchable. Youmu would have to leave me to it. If word got back to her that Youmu had stopped me, despite being present for that, that would be an insult. Interference with a Master’s will in family matters. That’s even worse. That could get Yuyuko in trouble. Youmu was gonna get it.
Remi closed her eyes and pondered it, fingertips of her whole dainty gloved hand on her chin. “Hm~” Softly. Foofy, like I said. Eyes opened. “You do the honors.”
I sneered. I knew she wasn’t gonna say no. I winked and shooed her away and she walked out of the room. Based. She wasn’t even planning to snitch.
I shoulda just done it, but I got an even funnier idea. I offered the marker to Youmu. “You wanna go first?”
“Well…” Eyes to the side. “…uh-NO!” She shook her head and shouted.
SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT! I thought I was gonna bust a lung trying to stuff down the giggles.
I thought for sure Sakuya woke up that time, but no. She briefly snorted and stirred, but she didn’t open her eyes, she just got more comfortable. She lied down on the loveseat and curled up. Her head was now at the perfect height for me, but now her mouth was tucked under an arm, and that would make getting in awkward…
Whatever. Her forehead and cheeks were exposed, that was enough. She wouldn’t be getting a goatee like I wanted though.
Youmu, though, had other ideas. More determination. Worry worry. Concern. “She must be exhausted.” They weren’t even bothering to whisper anymore.
I gasped. It couldn’t be. This whole time she was whispering… was she not being stupid?
She wasn’t being thoughtful, was she?
She wasn’t being adorable, was she?
…had they MEANT to wake Sakuya up with that shout because they had no other options!?
There was no way. This is Youmu we’re talking about. There’s no way they outsmarted me.
So it didn’t stop me. I took my sweet time getting juuust the right—wait, nope, just before I made contact, Sakuya levitated.
Wait. Nope. It was Youmu, picking her up, glaring at me, and walking off with her, carrying her like a princess.
I gasped. I gaped. I couldn’t believe the audacity.
I couldn’t believe this albino four-and-a-half-foot little green woman could carry that much six-footer without even straining, and Sakuya is not petite, she’s plump, curvy, and muscled beneath—before you even count the knives, she’s heavy.
More than anything though, I couldn’t believe Youmu had just outsmarted me twice. They weren’t being stupid, they just didn’t want to wake up Sakuya.
But I am still the Sister of the Devil, so I was gonna make it hurt. You made me miss my one shot, how dare you. Besides, I know Youmu isn’t that type of half-person, but just to be safe… “I’m telling,” I said with a devious little smirk.
Youmu glowered back at me, their phantom half opening the door. “Where’s her bedroom?” They did not give a fuck.
I shook my head. “Even if I knew I wouldn’t tell you.”
Youmu was offended. “You don’t even know where she sleeps!?” ON BEHALF OF SAKUYA! Oh my fuck it was too cute. But wow. I couldn’t believe they took that tone with me—a servant took that tone with me!
I was going to enjoy dropping the bomb on how impossible this was gonna be while Sakuya was asleep, how fucked they were if they didn’t give her back, how pointless it was to try, so I took all the breath I could. “Sakuya keeps it a secret, and besides, there was a party tonight, and that means she put up a Spacetime Maze to keep intruders and snoops out of the sensitive places: the kitchen, the library, and our bedrooms. All the doors are randomized, and if you open the wrong ones in the wrong order, you end up back in the foyer.”
Youmu’s eyes shot up like she was trying to look at her eyebrows. Thinking. “Not the gate? Not right in front of Meiling?”
I shrugged. “Sakuya’s kind of an airhead and she forgets which doors do what too sometimes, and she doesn’t want Meiling seeing all the signs of her trying random doors by trial and error. Besides, if Sakuya appears out of thin air in the foyer, that’s normal, that’s her at work.”
Youmu nodded. “That makes sense.” I could feel a little warm twinge in her heart. Awww, she found that adorable.
“Yeah, so fuck you, get lost and let Meiling show you the door, and I don’t mean that one. She doesn’t know either.” I shooed them off with a flick or two of my wrist.
Youmu sighed. “So be it then. Maybe I’ll get lucky.” They turned to carry Sakuya through the door, but again, Sakuya was very tall.
BUMP-!
“OW-!” Sakuya shouted, grasping her head and waking up.
Now Youmu was panicking. “I’MSORRY I’MSORRY I’MSORRY I’MSORRY I’MSORRY I’MSORRY I’MSORRY I’MSORRY!!”
I honestly wasn’t even mad anymore, I was rolling on the floor kicking and pounding laughing so hard. See, this is why I have long nails—it keeps me from clenching by accident. Wouldn’t wanna blow up Paddington right then, ya feel me?
“wh-!? huh??” Sakuya looked up. Worry worry. “what happened?” She has a soft voice, real deep and fluffy, but low-energy, kinda like someone who perpetually just woke up.
Worry worry worry. “AREYOUOKAY?? AREYOUBLEEDING??” Youmu would’ve been flailing if they weren’t still holding Sakuya.
Worry worry worry. “youmu? you’re still here!?”
Tender concern. “Don’t worry about that! Where’s your bedroom? You need to rest.”
A rare Sakuya energy burst, worry worry panic. “No, I need to clean!” She tried to stand up then realized there was nothing under her and she looked down her sides to check. “are you carrying me??”
Youmu stuttered, shoulders huddling up. “I-I’m sorry, would your rather I not?”
Light smile. For this feeling… use your imagination. Sakuya shook her head and held it. “no no it’s great, i—well, actually yes, i need to clean!” Worry worry.
“It’s okay, I took care of it.” Flat tone. Pride—not arrogance, pride in a good day’s work.
Disbelief. Shock. “you what?”
“I found you passed out in here, and I never see you do that, so I figured you must have needed a break, so I followed the fairy maids and did all the work they weren’t doing.”
“and yuyuko didn’t mind?”
Youmu beamed. “Actually, Yuyuko-sama saw me doing it and said, ‘Oh~ Youmu~ you’re so cute~! Take the rest of the night and tomorrow off!” Youmu did such a perfect, spitting imitation of Yuyuko’s voice and mannerisms I laughed. They even did her little head wiggle.
Sakuya leaned in from shock alone. “she did what?”
Youmu nodded. “I know. She’s never given me a day off in my entire life.”
I started to get it.
They didn’t though. Airheads, both of ‘em.
Sakuya did that thing she does when she’s confused: a folded finger to her chin with a head-tilt. “there must be a snack she’s not allowed to eat back at home.”
Youmu wearily sighed. “There is, but at least she has something to eat tomorrow, so it’s not my problem anymore. She’ll probably go bother Yukari if she needs anything else.”
Yuyuko knew what was going on, and maybe big sis did too—they talk. Any second now, I expected big sis to walk back in, see them, and tell Sakuya to take just as much time off too.
Sakuya stared. “…did you get the kitchen too??”
Youmu looked down side to side. “I… didn’t think it would be in such a strange location, but yeah, I followed the fairy maids into it and I did all the dishes and everything else.”
Sakuya facepalmed. “if the fairy maids knew where the kitchen was, then marisa must’ve defeated my spacetime maze again and left all the right doors open…”
Youmu cringed. Guilt. “…Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Sakuya waved it off. Resignation. “ah, forget it, she’s long gone by now. it’s not your fault, it’s mine. i’ll have to figure out how she does that. one second, i have to disable it.” In the blink of an eye, Sakuya zipped off and reappeared hanging in Youmu’s arms again, smiling and glowing. “you did great. i only had to touch up a couple things you would never have thought of, you really did everything. wow.” Bashful. Heartwarmed. “i spent more time looking for things than actually doing anything, i’m so impressed!”
A little sweat, Youmu turned away, shoulders shrugging. “—The only thing I didn’t do was put the plates in the cupboards—I didn’t know how you wanted them, I wanted to ask first.”
“i appreciate that, thank you—you can just do whatever with them.”
Youmu seemed disappointed for some reason. “Ohhh… o… kay… because I’m a little more-”
Sakuya held up a finger. “As long as you put the plates first!” Energetic.
Youmu brightened. “Yeah, okay!”
Sakuya turned her head and continued. “In order of size from largest to smallest, back to front then left to right, no stacking different sizes.”
Youmu beamed. “No, of course not!”
“Then bowls, then specialty dishes, starting with the-”
And she kept right on going, info-dumping about the order in which she puts the plates. Youmu must’ve loved it, but I tuned out.
‘Do whatever.’
Yeah, right, Sakuya. You practically have a stroke when the fairy maids don’t center the food on the plates enough, and your kitchen is sacred to you. This was a meaningful gesture.
After Sakuya finally finished, Youmu nodded. “You know, that’s actually how I arrange everything too.”
Sakuya smiled and nodded. “i noticed—you had everything laid out already just the way i—we—”
They blushed at each other like I couldn’t believe. Over plates of all things. But Sakuya cared that much. Of course—of course it hit home for her. Youmu had kept her kitchen holy.
That’s impossible.
Or so I thought. And I’m sure Sakuya did too.
I smirked. “I noticed you already jumped back into their arms.” Both of them jumped and looked at me, but I shrugged. “Ah, don’t mind me. Who the fuck am I gonna tell, my wall? Paddington already saw everything. If big sis walks in that’s one thing, but I’m not gonna go looking for her. Fuck ‘er.”
Sakuya took out a makeup mirror and looked herself over. Fear… then relief. Big smile. “she didn’t draw on my face! DID YOU SAVE ME FROM THAT TOO??” Sakuya was bouncing, hands balled by her chin, as giddy as a schoolgirl, raising her voice for what felt like the first time I’d ever been there to see it.
So I put the cap back on the marker and showed it to her. “Bitch stole my kill right as I was about to get it. That’s why she was carrying you off, to get you away from me.”
Sakuya gasped. It sounded like a squeal coming from the other direction. She was blushing, both hands on her mouth.
I continued. “…right after she saw big sis come in, see you sleeping, see my marker, and tell me to do it.”
“—WHAT!?” Sakuya was no longer impressed, she was terrified. She gripped Youmu’s shoulders. “oh no, why would you do that? why would you do that? why would you do that? it wasn’t worth it!” Worry worry worry worry worry. She looked at me practically in tears. “please don’t tell the mistress.”
I tossed my hand—I couldn’t be the buzzkill now. “Aaall riiiight.”
“thank you.” Sakuya bowed her head and clasped her hands and sniffled good. Then she turned to Youmu. “you know, that’s the reason i never ever want to fall asleep out here. they will absolutely draw on my face and they will use permanent marker, and then i’ll have to spend so much time and effort to first get it off, then get the smell of that treatment off, then re-moisturize my face, wait for things to heal if i have to, get any stains out of my clothes… it’s honestly, all together, a couple days of work and i just don’t have any energy left. you saved me.”
Youmu blushed and smiled. Bashful. “Aw, well, it was…y’know…” Heart-warmed anxiety. Uh-oh~ I could feel something coming~
Sakuya touched Youmu’s forehead. “you poor thing, you must be dead tired!” Why the forehead? I dunno. It’s not like she’d get an accurate read of her body temp, she’s half-phantom, she’s too cold. Eh, airheads.
Youmu shrugged with a smile. “It’s fine! It’s honestly less work than getting Yuyuko-sama’s midnight snack ready. It’s just as many plates, believe it or not!”
I believe it.
Sakuya’s face fell into her hands. “my gosh you work even harder than i do and you don’t even have helpers or get to stop time to take breaks…”
“Well… the phantoms help me!” She weakly smiled. Abashed. Ashamed. “…I didn’t mean to brag or anything.”
“no no no, it’s fine, it’s not that, i just—put me down right now, i should be carrying you!”
Youmu’s heart-warmed anxiety was pitching a fit. “Well… I don’t… really… want to put you down…” Even her ghost half was blushing now. Sakuya was too. “B-but you—of course! I’m sorry.”
With Sakuya back on her feet, they straightened each other up, and then stood there in awkward silence, not looking at each other, but definitely on the same wavelength. I could feel their hearts blushing at each other.
Pushing a lock of hair behind her ear, Sakuya fluffed, “—anyway… um… thank you for everything. good night.”
No way. Sakuya was dipping and running after everything. I was kinda mad at her. I wanted to yell, but it was none of my business.
And then Youmu, uberchad that she’d been all night, uberchadded again. She took Sakuya by the hand.
I held my breath. Here it comes.
“Sakuya! I—I—I—see-th-th-that—” They were trembling, but they were making a move. I was cheering in my heart – do it do it do it! You got this! – She must’ve heard cuz I felt her fill with courage and push through it. “I see how the ones in your care belittle you with pranks and menial tasks with no purpose. A-and you are given v—vanishingly little thanks. You deserve s—so much more respect. I—I—I… I can relate to that too, as a servant myself, so of course I helped you tonight. I would do this again a hundred times if I ever had the chance.” Youmu stopped to breathe, and shaking as hard as she did, it was tough.
Sakuya had a hand on her mouth, she couldn’t blink.
Youmu looked her right in the eye. “I like you.”
And I felt Sakuya tingle. It landed, it landed on the bull’s-eye. And Youmu still wasn’t done. She could’ve been but She wasn’t.
They smiled. “My favorite part of the day is going to market to see you again and chat.”
Sakuya touched her heart and blushed. “mine too.”
Youmu touched their heart and blushed right back. “…So, uh, can—can—uh-girlfriends?-”
“-yes.” Sakuya smashed that button like she was waiting.
Youmu jumped. “Really??!”
“YES!!”
They babbled past each other incoherently, giggling for a bit, and Sakuya, now knowing Youmu’s uberchad power, decided to let them uberchad for her.
“i know it’s a bother, but…can you carry me back to my bedroom? i, uh…” She had a hand on her mouth as she said it. “i’ve always wanted…to be carried…after a long day, and…especially by a smaller woman…” She didn’t sound finished. “…and…especially by you.”
“I’m glad you asked, Sakuya,” Youmu held her arms out proudly and Sakuya climbed back into them. She didn’t sound finished either. “because I’ve been getting my hopes up tonight.”
Their lips melted into each other like butter. They kissed and kissed for so long that I’m pretty sure if big sis hadn’t walked back in just then, they never would’ve stopped.
I say that, but they didn’t stop. They weren’t paying attention. They kept right on kissing as big sis assessed the situation.
She looked at me, and I smiled and gave a thumbs up. Her mouth opened, and she daintily covered it up like she was mouthing a gasp. She was surprised that I approved, despite losing my mark. So I gave her another thumbs-up, and that one held up Paddington’s thumbs-up (he needs help sometimes).
I heard a small puff of a laugh, and she stepped forward, arms folded.
She waited.
They didn’t stop though.
“Sakuya.”
Sakuya leaped from Youmu’s arms, and judging by the vibes, their souls nearly leaped from their bodies.
“Take the rest of the night off.” Remi gave a thumbs-up herself. “And tomorrow.”
I fucking jumped. “BASED!!!”
They gripped each other in a hug and they twirled around each other laughing. When Sakuya climbed back into Youmu’s arms and they started kissing again, big sis and I both read the room and left them to it, strolling down the hall side-by-side like a pair of badass supremes.
“Y’know, big sis, you’re not half bad sometimes,” I said to her.
She smiled like she does. Eyes closed, head bowed, thinking of a Proper Response™. “I am not-half-bad quite often.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, well, that’s your opinion.”
She scoffed back at me, her Charisma slightly breaking. I laughed, she laughed, and we shut the door behind us.