Chapter Text
1.
It was a deep dark night, not even a single star there as a proof of the existence of light, and yet the dark silhouette of a man, sitting motionless on the sand, glowed faintly as if it had its own halo. The howling of heavy waves crashing on the seashore only made the atmosphere more eerie. He Xuan had no idea how long he had been sitting there. He wasn't sure but maybe the sun was still up when he came. Like other Ghosts, he also used to despise the sunlight. But when and how this sunlight became something he craved, despite how it stung in his bloodless skin, he had no idea. He didn't know how the silence and darkness he was born from became so suffocating. The air was cold. But his body was colder, and his heart even more. As a soft chilly wind passed by, he closed his eyes and tried to feel. He was not sure what, but maybe a soft touch that once used to surround him anywhere any moment, but now would never even caress his shadow no matter how much he wished for. Or maybe a wind-chime voice that would always chase him wherever he was, it still did, but never out of his mind.
'Ming-xiong! Try this wine! It's the best here!'
'Ming-xiong! Come with me! Let's go for an adventure!'
'Ming-xiong! Am I not your best friend?'
'Ming-xiong!'
And this cheerful voice, free of worries of the world, suddenly turned into a horrified and agonizing cry!
'Ming-xiong!Ming-xiong! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! IT'S MY FAULT!'
'You have called the wrong person.'
A blood-curdling scream pierced through his mind and soul, stuck there like a thorn tormenting him incessantly. He shut his eyes hard as if that would make this voice stop. But it didn't for a long time.
And then ... again that voice, devoid of any emotion be it untainted happiness or unbridled horror, mumbled, ".... I want to die"
A heavy sigh left his body like a dense smoke of emotions. He couldn't help but imagine what it would have been like if he really had been that silly boy's Ming-xiong? What if he had really been born as Ming Yi? What if everything between them had been true? That name, that life, that friendship... Yes, that friendship had also been a lie. At first, being friends with the person who stole his fate, his family, his everything had been too much. But afterwards, being friends with the person who stole his heart, the last meaning of his being had not been enough. He had fallen for him. He had once been engaged with his childhood friend, a kind and warm-hearted lady. She had been his closest friend, perhaps they could have lived happily, but it wasn't love. This silly, whiny, fun-loving boy was.
But how could he allow himself to even contemplate crossing the centuries-old graveyard of hatred and bitterness between them?
He still remembered the first time he had seen him. He had just infiltrated into Heaven for two days and it was the Mid-Autumn festival where he saw him smiling, laughing, greeting loudly whoever he saw. Those sparkling eyes were like firecrackers and his laugh was like music. He Xuan was stunned, dazzled, he felt as if he had crawled through the darkness for years only to meet this blinding light. Like a moth to flame, he had been pulled towards this pearl in the deep dark ocean and he reached out without thought, his conspiracy and plan to keep a low profile tossed behind. But before he could reach the boy, someone else did. Shi Wudu, the vile demon in the name of a god, who had destroyed his everything and stolen his fate. And that beautiful boy turned out to be his younger brother, Shi Qingxuan, an equally duplicitous moon shining with the light stolen from him.
He Xuan dug his hand into the sand as he remembered that bloodsucker Shi Wudu. Lord Water Master, the Water Tyrant, second to none but the Heavenly Emperor himself! Huh! A rat pretending to be a tiger! He hated him and thus had hated Qingxuan. The momentary attraction and awe had been devoured by dark hatred seeping through his bones with the years of wounds, loss and pain. From then on, that same smile, same voice and same eyes had become the salt on his wounds, rubbing and gnashing on his bloody scratches till they burnt anew. Everytime Shi Qingxuan had jumped forward to help others, supported the good and reprimanded the evil, he had sneered at that audacity of someone who was living someone else's life. And that little demon had even dared to pull him into his merriments, throwing away his 'rich' brother's endless money as though mocking his years of misfortune.
Yet sometimes his treacherous heart had sought comfort in that boy's fleeting touch and careless smiles thrown toward him, would push away all cold hatred to bask in his warmth for a few moments and oh, how he hated it. And suddenly one day he realised that Shi Qingxuan didn't know. He had never known where his divinity came from, had not known how many lives his immortality had cost. He had never been cruel enough to live peacefully on other people's flesh and blood. He had simply never known what was under his feet. He thought his godly brother had saved him. Save he did, but at what price Qingxuan had not known. At that moment what He Xuan felt was beyond words. A deep hidden part of him was relieved. The child-like boy he saw was truly pure and innocent. He wasn't like his murderer and tyrant brother. He really was kind, brave, beautiful and had an untainted heart. But hundreds of years old habitual hatred didn't agree and burned even more. How could he not know what devastation he had brought? How could he have been so blissfully ignorant and enjoyed a glorious life? The eve of the last day of autumn, the day He Xuan tasted the last level of hell on earth and Shi Qingxuan drank and poured wine, ascending to Heaven! It was supposed to be him! How dare he not know?
But another part of him was hopeful. If he had known, what would he have done? If he had known that the brother he was proud of was a demon who destroyed He Xuan and his beloved ones, would he have hated Shi Wudu? Would he have helped He Xuan get revenge and justice, like he always did for others, his worshippers or fellow gods, whenever there was injustice? But Shi Wudu did everything for him. So would he really have gone against his brother whom he loved the most and was indebted to this fortunate life and godhood? He Xuan wanted to, needed to know. Yet every time He Xuan saw those bright brown eyes shining with happiness untainted by any malice of the world, he hesitated. After all he knew, once he exposed everything, his pearl would lose his glow and he also might lose him forever. And there had been a hidden terror for who Shi Qingxuan would choose.
And this hesitation led to a few hundred years more. Until the real Earth Master Ming Yi had escaped and released a fire dragon to alert the heaven. The night after Xie Lian and Qingxuan had 'rescued' him from Ghost City, Hua Cheng had come to find him and asked how long he would wait. He hadn’t answered but knew dallying was not possible anymore. He had already killed Ming Yi and dissolved his corpse to a skeleton. Sooner or later, his identity would have been exposed and a supreme ghost king hiding inside Heaven in the guise of a god would have brought disaster on him. He was at the end of his rope. So he had to strike. He had manipulated the Reverend of Empty words to remind Shi Qingxuan of his fear and lead him to He Xuan's hometown, Fu Gu. He Xuan let him see his gruesome past, let him feel the fear he went through for years.
He couldn't truly hurt his pearl. He had only planned to scare him and let him know the truth before Shi Wudu's ultimate trial. But something had gone wrong. So much had gone wrong.
Despite the unnecessary interruption from Xie Lian and Hua Cheng, he had kept to his plan of scaring Shi Qingxuan and bringing out the truth little by little in front of him. But that determination was slipping away like sand every time when Shi Qingxuan's hand trembled in his hold betraying his laughter, as he got a little closer to him, seeking reassurance from the very person who caused his fear. There had been a growing urge to hold the man by his side in his arms, to soothe his fear, to protect him from all harm of this world, even from himself.
Qingxuan, just a little more time. I will take you away and we will never be apart.
But He Xuan had suppressed that desire in him ruthlessly. Who knew more than him what fear was? For years, every moment of his every day was spent chained in fear. He had fought a bloody war with it and had won over that fear. But he had lost everything. What was even this Bloody Fire Social compared to the aeons of his searing heartbreak? Forgive Shi Qingxuan? No. He could not betray his beloved ones like that. She Qingxuan must know the truth, must feel his fear, must make a choice and that choice must be him.
But then–
".... NEVER! Even if I die and my bones rot, it'll still have to be after my brother's trial before I can be dug out!"
He Xuan went mute. For a second he couldn't even react, trying to fathom if he really heard right. And then all his anger and hatred erupted.
Even if you DIE, your good brother can't be harmed? I will see how long you say that.
"Very well," he said, clenching his teeth briefly against the roaring riptide of his anger, the ever-gnawing hunger and venom of the Reverend for the hapless prey in front of him.
And then he had let go.
'No! You are the LIAR! You are the MURDERER! My Brother… He never pretended his favour, his care! IT IS YOU I CANNOT BELIEVE! YOU MONSTER! YOU… YOU ARE LYING!'
Liar. Murderer. Monster. No more adulations of Ming-xiong, he supposed. He scoffed. Blood was truly thicker than water, no matter how righteous a god could ever pretend to be.
He had let the words wash over him like oil to fire, letting the flames of his wrath surge higher and higher. And when the fevered dream of his bloodlust had finally abated, the only things his eyes could see was a bloody, decapitated head, the splinters of the twin masters’ fans… and the broken body and soul of one who should never have been broken in the first place.
Nothing was left. Except for the shards of the only lamp that had brightened his never-ending nights since he had left the unshakable darkness of Mount Tonglu.
A heavy wave crashed on his legs, drenching them to knees. He laid down flat on the wet sand and covered his eyes with an arm. It had been 20 years but still that bastard Shi Wudu's last words rang in his ears.
'I see you are filled with rage, filled with suffering and filled with hate. Yet you are powerless to bring back your family. BE AS MAD YOU WANT BUT THEY ARE LONG GONE!'
Really, he couldn't bring back his family and even lost the person he had. He couldn't get rid of his suffering, yet increased it a hundred fold. Then what was the point? He, a Supreme Ghost King, a cold-blooded ghost, who even fought with his fate, couldn't even bear to cut out a drop of blood from his love. Then how a soft-hearted person like Shi Qingxuan could kill his own brother whom he loved more than himself?! No matter how much of a heartless bastard, Shi Wudu was still his brother and also did all this to protect him. At that moment, he had let Shi Wudu's words make him lose his mind to the point of no return. But now he knew Shi Wudu angered him so that he would kill them both, relieving them both from the burden of choice. But, He Xuan wouldn't kill Qingxuan, didn't need to anyway. Seeing his brother's head ripped out from his body, he was already half dead. He Xuan had already torn his soul apart
.
He Xuan got up from where he was sitting and started walking along the seashore. He didn't know how long he walked as he reached the main street of the royal capital, crossed it and went deeper into the shaded valleys and stood in front of a run-down Water Master temple. Inside, numerous bodies were lying all over the ground, some huddled along the stairs. Men, women, the elderly and children all huddled together, thin-tattered clothing hardly enough to cover their bodies, let alone protect them from the harsh cold. He Xuan's eyes skimmed over them but could not find the one he came looking for. He went around the temple and further into the darkness until he saw a soft glow of light. He hid in the darkness but could clearly see in the glow of a lantern beside a figure at a distance. A skinny and gaunt man in grim and messy hair, crouched down near the outskirts of the city. His upper half was bare as he had taken off his only piece of robe and was washing it on the stream. Head lowered and body bent, he was giving his full attention to wash off the stubborn dirt-stains. He was in his thirties but because of his bony figure, hollowed cheeks and broken limbs, he looked much older than that. He Xuan's eyes lingered on the arched spine painfully visible through paper-thin skin. It reminded him of his father who, despite the grief of losing his wife and daughter, worked to the bone for the family all alone. How his rib-bones had been visible enough to count, how he had lain bare when he took off his single piece of robe to cover his A-Xuan in harsh winter, carefully not to wake him up. As if He Xuan hadn’t known.
Just as his father suffered, Shi Qingxuan was also suffering, perhaps worse. There should have been a satisfaction in He Xuan at this successful fruit of his revenge. But all he felt was a stabbing pain in his guts. Why was it that his most cherished people always ended up suffering because of him? His parents, his sister, his childhood-friend and fiance and now ... Qingxuan.
He walked out of the shadows and moved closer, a soft humming reaching him, a familiar gentle smile growing visible. When he was ten or so steps away, Shi Qingxuan looked at his direction and froze. For a moment, there was a visible panic in him. He Xuan expected him to be scared,to scream, to try to run away. But just as the moment passed, Shi Qingxuan's panic also swept away. He Xuan was shocked to see his shoulders relax and visible relief in his eyes.
"Ming -Lord Black Water, have you finally come to kill me?"
He Xuan's throat choked at the palpable eagerness. "No."
Disappointment masked Shi Qingxuan's face at his answer. As He Xuan walked toward him, he tried to back away, but his lame leg prevented him from moving any more than a slight scramble backwards.
He Xuan kneeled down in front of him. He took Shi Qingxuan's hand, the action making the other stiffen, eyelids shivering lightly with so many mixed emotions. He Xuan didn't dare to look into those eyes. He held up the hand in his hold between them and with his other hand took out something from inside the folds of his robe and pressed it into Shi Qingxuan's palm. His eyes widened in surprise as he took in the sight of a dark, glossy hairpin with a single cherry blossom made of pearl and jade. Qingxuan stared at his palm for a long time in silence. And then that carefully neutral look melted into something He Xuan couldn't make out.
"You think fixing this hairpin will fix everything?" Ridicule dripped from his voice as if that was the silliest thing He Xuan could do.
He Xuan spoke in a barely audible voice, "This is not the one from before. This..." He lowered his eyes toward the hairpin, "... this is made of my ashes."
Shi Qingxuan's whole body flinched violently, hand spasming in an aborted motion, as if torn between whether to flung it back toward him or to hold it more gently in fear of causing it any harm. His voice trembled. "You-Wha-what do you mean?! Why are you giving this to me?!"
He Xuan remained unfazed. "I am giving it to you. You can do anything you want with it."
"A-a-anything?! What do you mean? Why would I do anything to it?! Are you mad?! It's-it's your ashes! And you are giving it away like it is a play thing. Have you not played with enough lives that you have to turn to your own?"
For the first time since he had come, He Xuan finally looked into his eyes.
"Qingxuan, I regret."
Shi Qingxuan gaped at him. "You regret?" There was genuine confusion in his voice. "What do you regret? Isn't everything how you wished? Isn't this how everything was supposed to be? Do you regret killing brother and fulfilling your revenge?"
He Xuan’s insides went frigid. "Definitely not what I did to him. He deserved it, much more even." Shi Qingxuan's lips trembled and his eyes glistened in the lantern light.
"Then what? You regret sparing me more than you could? Is it not how you wanted? Is this not what you thought I deserve? Didn't you break the limbs of my statue? See, isn't it how you wanted?" He gestured toward his limp leg and arm hanging at his side uselessly. "Tell me, Lord Black Water, what's not right? I will fix it. I will rewrite every word of my fate as you wish."
He Xuan’s ears felt like they had scalded in the fires of Mount Tonglu. He clasped the frail hand tighter and averted his gaze, his voice hoarse. " I regret hurting you. It wasn't your fault. You didn't know. I... I shouldn't have blamed you."
He Xuan waited for a moment with downcast eyes. Not hearing any reply, he again looked up at the other person. Shi Qingxuan was staring at him with a vacant look. his lips slightly parted and blinked his eyes as if trying to take in what he just heard. Suddenly, a huff of breath escaped the man, multiplying, scrabbling and creaking out of that bony frame like the maniacal flutter of black beetles. Shi Qingxuan laughed and laughed, tears streaming down his face, a thousand emotions swirling through his darkened gaze.
"You regret hurting me? Not my fault? You shouldn't blame me? Hahahahaha…” he gasped.
“You sure jest, Lord Black Water! Haha...To save me, my brother went against the rules of Heaven and committed such heinous sins and it's not my fault? My devastated luck fell on you and destroyed your whole family and life and it's not my fault?!" The more he spoke the more tears fell, his lips wobbled and voice became rougher.
"'Wretched beginning, wretched end.' This was the curse the Reverend of Empty Words gave me. It was supposed to be MY WRETCHED END! But my brother... Trying to remove that dark blotch of my fate, brought down others, YOURS and HIS OWN WRETCHED END AND YOU SAY IT'S NOT. MY. FAULT! Didn't my brother say there is no such thing as regret? He didn't regret destroying your entire family then why do you regret hurting me? WHAT'S THERE FOR YOU TO REGRET?! I REGRET EVER BEING BORN!!"
Sobs broke through him with force as he yelled. Every word stabbed so hard and so deep, He Xuan became dizzy in pain as if he was bleeding from head to toe. A voice very much his own echoed in his mind, What have you done? Just what have you done? Is it what you wanted? IS IT?! His vision turned blurry but he willed his tears to not fall. But Shi Qingxuan wasn't done yet, his voice shook as he continued.
"One was my gege, my only family I could ever remember, who for his whole life protected me, loved me, never let me know the feeling of being an orphan. And the other my..." He stared right into his eyes so earnestly as his grasp tightened around the hairpin, "... my best friend, the person who I hoped would be my soulmate."
He Xuan's thoughts screeched to a halt.
"The two most important people in my life turned into each other's archenemies because of all this, with debts of life and death, with no redemption, no going back. And all the while I knew NOTHING! Didn't you say that because I didn't know that it was even more my fault? THEN HOW IS IT NOT MY FAULT? TELL ME, HOW?! AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT MORE I CAN DO!"
The white-hot pain He Xuan felt was so intense and all-consuming that his tears didn't obey him anymore and rolled down his cheeks. He hesitantly reached out his free hand and rested it on Shi Qingxuan's cheek, the other hand still holding Qingxuan's good hand tightly. He whispered, "Then don't hurt me anymore. It hurts to see you in pain. Come with me, please."
As he softly brushed his thumb on the tears, Shi Qingxuan closed his eyes, still sobbing. His face glistened with tears, eyelashes quivering as more tears flowed out. For a few moments he looked so vulnerable as if he would fall in He Xuan's embrace if he just opened his arms for him. He Xuan prayed to the former god desperately,
Please, just give me one more chance. I will make sure this is the last time you cry. I will never hurt you again. I will return your beautiful smile. Please, allow me.
He watched Shi Qingxuan take deep shaky breaths as he calmed his emotions. He wriggled free his hand from He Xuan's hold and shoved the hand on his cheek away . When he opened his eyes again, the vulnerability, the weakness was swept without a trace. His steady gaze bore into He Xuan's soul that made him slightly shiver, "Lord Black Water Demon, He Xuan." It was the first time Qingxuan called out his real name. And the loathing in the words made all the responses stick in his throat.
"You are still playing with me. Six hundred years is far too little for the eternal hunger of the Supreme Lord Black Water, huh?"
Shi Qingxuan's voice was low but sure. He looked down at his hand still holding the black hairpin, the rosy pearl in the middle of the jade petals glowing like a blood moon,
"That's expected. I deserve it. I can do whatever i want with it right?"
He waved the hairpin, and for a moment, an instinctive fear of oblivion gripped He Xuan. But a moment later, his shoulders dropped with a feeling of inevitability. If his cheerful and carefree Qingxuan could come back, his ghost of a self was nothing.
But Shi Qingxuan didn't harm it at all, rather with care of holding an infant, he tucked this pin into his messy hair bun with shaky hands.
"Then you will have to live. You won't let me die, and I won't let you die either. Live and see for yourself my life of misery and misfortune, what was supposed to be from the very beginning. See if your wish is being fulfilled, properly this time. Take it as my repayment to you or your final act of vengeance against me, as you wish. Your family suffered for years in poverty, disaster, misfortune and humiliation. I will go through the same. Maybe, my solitary suffering is far less than what all of them went through. But I will still try to repay as best as I can. So that in the next life...." He stopped for a moment and started again, "You will live and see me live until I drag you to the end with me. But before that..."
His gaze darkened, brown eyes turned into swirling whirlwinds as though the power and grace of the Wind Master was still alive in those murky depths.
"Before that you will never show me your face again. If you ever come near me or try to give any help, I will stab my throat to death with this very hairpin!"
"No!" He Xuan jumped up and backed away. The firmness in Shi Qingxuan's voice made it clear that he meant what he said. He Xuan didn't dare test his limits anymore.
"You don't have to do anything. I will listen to you. I won't come again unless you want. But if you...you ever need something, there is communication spell on it that doesn't need spiritual power..."
"Leave." Shi Qingxuan still held his gaze, calm yet stormy.
"Alright." He Xuan turned around and walked away, never looking back even once. He went back to the dark seashore leaving behind that small lantern and that man, his only source of light. This light couldn't be his. He was destined to submerge in the darkness. He walked deeper and deeper into the sea until his whole body drowned into water. Numerous thoughts slipped and slid through his mind but he couldn't grasp any of that. He felt suffocated and couldn't breath. But as a ghost, he shouldn't need to breathe, right?
.
.
.
'Brrrrring' the sharp sound of alarm clock yanked He Xuan out of his daze. He gasped as his breath caught him again. He heaved and gasped, panting heavily as if he was drowning deep into water and was suddenly pulled back to the surface , his head felt like it was still floating in a sea of pain. His eyes sizzled in bright sunlight so he closed them again and tried to regulate his breathing to normal. His heart was thumping hard in his chest. After five or so minutes, he gradually calmed down and his headache subdued. The alarm was still going on that was making his ears ring. He fumbled his hand to stop the infernal noise and slowly opened his eyes. His vision started to clear as he stared at the white ceiling of his otherwise dark brown room. Blinking to get rid of his haziness, he felt his eyelashes glued to each other. He touched under his eyes and sure enough, his face, his collar, and his pillow were soaked wet with tears.
He had cried in his sleep. Again!
Frustrated, he balled his blanket and threw it on the floor. He heaved a sigh and got down off the bed to freshen up. Crying in his dream wasn't something new to him anymore. When he was awake, there was hardly anything that could make him shed any tears. From his very childhood, he had been a cold and silent person. He had not cried when his dad killed himself out of the frustrations of losses in business, humongous amounts of loan and even heftier humiliation. He hadn’t cried when his mother remarried barely three months after his father's death and left his fourteen-year- old self and his eight-year-old little sister to fend for themselves. He hadn’t cried even when he had to juggle between his studies and multiple odd jobs, doing housework and taking care of his sister. No matter how hard a situation was or how unfair the world was to him he had never shed a single tear or complained.
The only times he did was when he dreamt. As if all his tears were reserved for these dreams alone.
After a quick shower, he dressed in a white turtle-neck and a black coat. He stood in front of his dressing mirror, his eyes were still slightly red as he took in his appearance thoughtfully.
He knew from past experience he wouldn't remember a thing from his dream, except for a lingering, haunting feeling of loneliness and helplessness and two recurring images. One was a pair of starlit brown eyes, innocence and beauty of the whole universe all poured into them. It felt like the sole source of light in his dark world. Like a moth he had been chasing this light since forever. This was what made him go through each day. Deep down, he knew that other things didn't matter. His only desire was to seek the owner of those luminous gaze. And the other...
He opened a mini-drawer and took it out.
Black jade for protection.
Pearl for everlasting love, purity and loyalty.
And the shape of a cherry blossom, an ephemeral beauty.
He had seen the hairpin millions of times in his dream, tucked in folds of brown wavy hair, the only other thing he could remember vividly. He had no idea what the hairpin really meant to him or to the owner of those bright brown eyes he had never seen in his waking world. All he knew was the inexplicable, burning desire to have it in his grasp, and so, with all his expertise as a jewellery designer, he had carved it into corporal existence.
Two sharp knocks at his door brought him out of his thoughts. He looked up and saw through his mirror, behind him his little sister was standing by the door.
"Gege, are you ready? I have prepared breakfast!" She entered cheerfully and then paused as she took him in.
"Gege, did you cry in your sleep again?"
Damn.
He tried to remove all traces but his sister knew him way too well. To his little sister for whom he was her Superman, his such a vulnerable side being wide open, made him embarrassed and her worried. He didn't want her to think too much so he waved it off, "It's nothing. I am done. Let's finish breakfast and after that I will drop you to your college." He stuffed the black hairpin in his pants pocket and hurried to leave his room but she caught him by his arm, "Gege, have you considered seeing Dr. Yushi again?"
He Xuan hesitated. He had tried to consult the psychiatrist before but it had been useless. He did not stop having those dreams, nor could he remember what he saw. Dr. Yushi Huang had conjectured that he had those dreams again and again because subconsciously he wished to have them. Even though he couldn't remember, his subconscious mind treasured them. He believed it, knew it was true. But when he looked at his sister's concerned look he couldn't say no. He sighed and nodded. She smiled and dragged him down to their dining table.
After he dropped his sister to his college, he drove to work, where he was supposed to meet a very important client on an important project. If the deal was successful, he would have a huge recognition in the designing world.
His phone started violently vibrating in the windshield mount. The screen showed the caller ID named 'Crimson Rain', his bitch of a boss, Hua Cheng. God knows what he owed that man in his previous life that he had to suffer like this. He made a mental bet whether it would be an order to replace Hua Cheng in yet another meeting or another deadline in a day or two he would be informed now at the last moment. He hoped it was not the latter. He received the call and braced himself for that terribly unwelcome voice.
"Black Water!" He Xuan's identity in the designing world was Black Water and his superior Xie Lian was known as Dianxia.
"Speak."
"Hey! What's this manner to talk to your boss?"
"Dianxia is the chief designer and my boss."
"And I am Gege's husband and this company's owner. So?"
"Crimson Rain Sir,” He Xuan said with dramatic punctuation on 'Sir' and a huge eye roll.
"That's better!" He Xuan can see his most annoying smirk in his mind's eye.
"Then start talking business now."
"We are taking part in a jewelry exhibition, remember? Reach the venue on time."
Ok, so it was a third option and the worst. He Xuan hates these public gatherings.
"I remember telling that I will work behind the scene and won't take part in such public events. Dianxia also agreed to that. Besides, you are the 'BOSS' so you should go."
"Not all events, but this event. I've already talked to Gege and he said no problem. And who said I am not going?"
"Then why do I have to go?"
"Because I told you. You are my best man. How can I leave you behind?"
"You are already married. Why do you need a best man?"
"I am, aren’t I? A happily married man with a beautiful husband." A shy soft 'San Lang!' came from the background. He Xuan wanted to puke.
"Let me talk to Dianxia."
"I am here, He Xuan." A soft, gentle voice drifted from the other side, a direct contrast from the previous disgusting cocky one. (In his mind, He Xuan admited that Hua Cheng has a charming voice but saying it would only make that bastard's tail fly high)
"Dianxia, I told you I prefer to stay out of public attention."
"I know. But this is one of the biggest events in the city. All the renowned designers are coming. You are working on a big project now. It would be really good for you."
"... Thanks for caring so much. But..."
"Please, He Xuan, this is the last time. Besides, among all the shine today, who knows if you find a new inspiration."
"Gege already said so much. Now I dare you to say 'No'."
He Xuan sighed. Nowadays, No one seems to care about his 'No'.
"... I will reach on time." Xie Lian cheered on the other side,
"That's great! We will be waiting for you. Dress nicely."
"Okay." The call disconnected.
A night in the middle of glitters and chatters. To say He Xuan didn't like these would be an understatement. And yet, he thought grimly as he pressed his foot on the gas pedal, he could never let go of the hope that one of those nights would lead him to the pearl that kept eluding him.
2.
The first rays of daylight pierced through the clouds and fell upon the snow-covered ground, giving off a dull glitter. It was hardly enough to drive off the chill creeping through blood and bones. A sea of white enveloped miles in every direction, the wooden roofs, small backyards, dried tree branches, everything was blanketed with a layer of snow. The wind whipped through the trees, creaking and groaning like an old rocking chair.
Hardly any green leaves could be seen sprouting from those dead, stiff branches. Yet, ignoring the crisp bite of frosty wind and snow, bright red plum blossoms came to announce the coming spring before all. Delicate petals, barely resisting the wind and rain, let alone blizzards and snow; even so, just through sheer force of will, those red and pink blooms put colour in the white and lifeless world, quivering on in the harsh wind... persevering on.
Weak.
Stubborn.
Shi Qingxuan looked up at the dark brown branches painted red above his head and smiled. The occasional petal fell on and around him, suffusing the air with a sweet mellow smell. The cold wind fluttered through the tattered single robe over his emaciated frame, wracking a violent shiver along his too warm skin. Casting a last glance towards the blooming tree, he did his best to ignore the bone-deep chill in his aching limbs, straightened his spine, and left the temple and came to the main street, only a handful of people dotting the snowy roads. Most of them were like him, with no luxury of hiding in the wraps of a warm quilt and a fire lit room.
He walked toward the steam bun shop, which should have been open by then. If he reached before the business started, he would get to have one. That would do for a long time, he had doubts if he would get anything else today. But that didn't matter, for a lot of days that one bun would be his only meal.
If he had not been starving for the last two days, he wouldn't even have come out.
He turned the road and saw a young lady preparing buns in a small hut. No one else was there, for it was too early for business to start in earnest. He hobbled over in slow measured steps, careful not to tax his legs, one limp with injury, one frail with fever and starvation. The lady looked at him with a brilliant smile, "Uncle Feng! You came so early in this cold morning! At this age, you will get sick. I would save one bun for you anyway."
The loose skin of his face wrinkled as he gave a big smile in return, "No doubt you would, my child! I just couldn't sleep anymore. Where is that husband of yours? In this condition, you shouldn't be working this hard!"
The woman smiled as she put a hand over her round belly and caressed it tenderly. "A-mei's father was being lazy, wouldn't leave his beloved blanket at any cost. So I came alone. He will be here soon."
Shi Qingxuan tsk-ed. "Young men these days are lazy to the bones! What will happen in the future?"
The lady softly chuckled while rummaging through the dishes. She brought out one round white bun from the steam. Shi Qingxuan's mouth watered at the sight of food after so long. He couldn't help but grab the bun and take a huge bite and instantly his mouth burned. He huffed at the heat burning through every pore of his mouth, eyes watering from pain.
"Aiyaah! Uncle Feng! Slow down! Slow down!" The lady quickly passed a cupful of water to him. Watching him gulp down the cup in one-go, she gave him a pitying look.
"You didn't have anything since yesterday, had you?"
It was more than that but Shi Qingxuan didn't say. Unlike once upon a time, his tongue had learnt to hold itself back, the once abundant complaints of myriad troubles never falling again from the dry lips. What trouble was it when it was due since forever? It's only paytime. And how did it matter when the ears that had listened were no more?
He just gave a wrinkled smile again. He waved his hand and said, "That's nothing! That's nothing! I am an old man with little patience. I am even impatient of waiting for death! Hahahaha!"
Hearing his words, the woman pouted, eyes gloomy. "Nonsense! You will live for hundred years. If you die, who will pull my husband's ear when he yell at me?"
Shi Qingxuan burst out laughing at her words, "Hahahaha! Don't worry don't worry! I will haunt him even as a ghost!" His laughter must have been infectious enough for a chuckle from the other.
"Enough! Enough! I still gotta work." Shi Qingxuan took it as his cue to leave.
He ambled through the street amid the soft, feathery snow falling around him. The sting of the cold was oddly absent now, as was the sharp burn in his failing limbs, replaced by a dull ache. Perhaps he should just go back to the run-down temple and lie there till the cold passed. Another mortal hurdle crossed, no matter how he hated it, no matter how stretched out he felt, like thinned broth over meat.
A strange feeling had descended over him since he had woken up with a start in the half-darkness of the dawn. Something told him that the wait was over.
He was about to take one more bite from his now-cooled bun, when a voice called out, "Grandpa Feng!"
He looked behind and saw a little girl, barely older than a toddler, in a long dress once red, now faded into pale shades, a black robe covering her upper body for warmth, running toward him.
"Xiaohua!"
The girl stopped in front of him and big doe eyes looked into his own. "Grandpa Feng."
Qingxuan crouched down in front of her, "Xiaohua, why are you out so early? You will fall sick!"
Meihua shook her head. "No, you are sick! Why did you leave?"
He held out his bun. “I was really hungry." Her gaze lingered on the bun a while longer before remembering herself and looking away. It did not escape his notice, and with a twist of his heart, he wondered, not for the first time, at the justice of the world that made little children hesitate to ask for some much-needed morsels. "You want it?"
Before she could deny her stomach growled in protest. Shi Qingxuan smiled and held the bun in front of her lips, "I already ate. You can eat the rest." She took a small bite and slowly chewed. Then she took the bun in her hand and similarly held it in front of Shi Qingxuan, "Grandpa, let's share." Shi Qingxuan's looked at the little girl with deep fondness… Meihua, the living reminder that love and care remained even in the dregs of the world, even amid poverty and want. Or perhaps stupidity.
He took a small bite just like the girl and saw her take another. Like this, in the middle of the road, under the soft hazy morning light and lazily drifting snowflakes, an old man and a child shared a small steamed bun.
"Grandpa Feng," The little girl wiped her hand on her dress after the bun was finished and sat on Qingxuan's lap,
"Ran-ge said that there is a ghost behind the temple. Every night it roams around the temple and eats whoever goes there." Her eyes were round with fearful wonder.
Shi Qingxuan chuckled and tosselled her hair, "Hahaha. There is no ghost behind the temple! He was just teasing you! See, I often go there at night but did anything happen to me?"
She shook her head. "No. But he said he saw shadows roaming around."
Shi Qingxuan remained silent. It was not as if he did not know who it was.
"It's nothing.” He smoothed her hair. “They won't harm anyone living there."
“Won’t they?”Meihua gave him a dubious look. "Aunt Sui said ghosts are evil and gods are good."
Shi Qingxuan's breath caught in his throat, a hysterical laugh threatening to take him over. Oh, to be young and ignorant again! Although, to give in would not make it easier on the wheeze in his chest that grew in his chest every moment he stayed in the cold, constricting his throat like a pair of hands. He shook off those worn-off fears. It had been long enough. And he still needed to do something before… before.
He pushed the child gently from his lap so that she stood facing him. "That's not it. Not all ghosts are evil, nor all gods holy. Good and bad are not that simple, little one."
"Why is that so?"
Qingxuan smiled, "You will know when you grow up. Now do as I say, alright?"
He looked at the girl from head to toe one last time before taking her little hand into his own good one. "Go and find Aunt Sui and say that Grandpa Feng said that if he doesn't come back, she must take care of you well and keep you safe. He will bless her and her child."
Xiaohua remained silent for a moment and then clasped on his robe tightly. "Grandpa, Where are you going?"
"I'm...uh..."
"Are you going home?" Her eyes sparkling with hope and excitement. "Aunt Sui said one day we will all find a home! There, it won't be too cold or too hot! We won't be hungry anymore! We will have pretty clothes and beds! Grandpa Feng, did you find your home?"
The pain in his chest crested anew, he did not know if it was from Meihua's words or cold or something else. "Yes, I did."
"Then why are you sad?" Her little hand touched his cheek which he now realised was cold from the wetness that had spilled over from his eyes. He rubbed a finger between her furrowed brows.
"Because that temple was also my home."
"Eh? How can that be? We have nothing there! It's always either too hot or too cold."
"Home is where you have people you love. I love XiaoHua and others. So that's also my home and I feel sad to leave it."
"If you feel sad, then don't go." She whispered as she ducked her head down. Such a little girl, but already knew to hide her tears. He pushed a lock of hair behind her ears.
"I want to go. After all where I am going, there is also someone I love."
Finally...
.
.
.
He limped, barefoot, along the freezing sand that burned the soles of his feet as though raked over coals.The sky was much clearer than before, the sun brighter, sparkling upon the frosted sand. If he tried, he could imagine it were the grandeur of the heavenly lands, shining with the magnificence that paid for ages of blood and tears. If he tried, he could imagine a morning from bygone days, spent folicking with his taciturn brother. If he tried really hard, he could imagine a dark shadow beside him, far beyond the red-tinted waves that now stretched between them.
Or perhaps he did not need to try all that hard. The agony in his chest could make him delirious enough to conjure it all up.
Ming-xiong…
You called the wrong person.
The pain vibrated in his ears with that never-abating memory. He sank down on his knees, eyes hot with fresh tears as he gazed out into the tides rising and falling in front of him, not able to let the right words fall out of his lips, not allowed to utter the wrong ones anyway.
With a trembling hand he pulled out the only ornament that decorated his half-made hair and held it before his eyes. Jade and pearls ingrained in the shape of a lone branch of cherry blossoms glimmered new as the day it had been bequeathed to him. Delicate and innocent, as if it did not hold the remaining existence of a Supreme, a terror of the three realms. He often wondered if that person's life would also have been so shining and smooth, if he hadn't broken it apart.
"He Xuan..." The words escaped his lips like a sigh, a painfully fluttering prayer.
Do you think all these years have been enough? Enough that we can let the wounds of this life go? Enough to let go of the centuries of pain and hatred? Enough for a chance to laugh and cry with you again?
His vision kept blurring, and he could hardly tell anymore if it only was from tears.
“In our next life... Don't hate me anymore? Let me.... Let me love you, let me laugh with you, cry with you...let's get old together? Let's just be.... Qingxuan and He Xuan, shall we?”
A black shadow covered the now-bright sun.
“In our next life... I will never hurt you. I will protect you, I will only live for you and grow old with you… I will only love you. I will only ever be yours...”
He gasped as warm hands helped him up in a sitting position and if he squinted hard, he could see the man kneeling in front of him. Those golden orbs, that sharp jawline, that pale skin like sea foam... handsome and youthful as ever.
“He Xuan,” he breathed, hand reaching out to touch, desperate to confirm truth from illusions. “My love...” Even the most forceful blinks could not get rid of the shadows that curled across his vision, rapidly swallowing that dear face… no… no… NO…
“Qingxuan...” The deep voice thrummed through his entire being, fastening itself to his heart even as his vision faded into nothingness.
“Qingxuan...” The call vibrated throughout the void, getting more and more urgent. With all his might, he chased that call.
“Qingxuan!”
“Qingxuan!”
"Qingxuan!"
With a gasp, Shi Qingxuan snapped his eyes open. His eyes burned with the sudden burst of light, and yet he figured that the shadow bustling at the periphery of his vision could be no other than his brother. In a single motion, he shot up and buried his face in the other man’s chest, clutching his t-shirt like a lifeline, fumbling for breath as if it had been long lost. And once those arms wrapped around him, he let it all go.
"Ge..." Try as he might, he could not control the sobs that wracked through his frame, even with his brother’s half-panicked, earnest comfort.
"Shh... It's alright. Ge is here. You are fine." Shi Wudu soothed him, and sniffling, he shamelessly allowed himself to be babied a moment longer in the familiar solace that was his big brother. Then he pushed himself free from his brother's hold, allowing himself to be fussed over with tissues, taking his sweet time wiping his face… anything to escape the worry that clouded the other’s face. The perfect excuse came when Shi Qingxuan's eyes crossed over him and fell behind him straight on the clock that read “9:45”.
Or maybe not that perfect.
“OH MY GOD!" Shi Qingxuan jumped out of his bed and ran straight into his walk-in closet. His brother followed him, sounding tersely anxious.
"What happened?! Why are you running?!"
"I have a very important programme today! I must reach the studio before ten! I am gonna be late!"
Shi Qingxuan flitted through his closet, jumping from one corner to another.
"You are not going anywhere today! Get back to your room!"
"No way! I must go today! Or else I will be killed!" Shi Qingxuan finally pulled out a pair of denim jeans and black tee with long sleeves. He pondered over a red overcoat or a white woolen jacket, undressing at top speed and throwing the rest of his clothes in an unceremonious pile on the floor.
"This programme had been scheduled a month ago. It's a nation-wide Jewellery Exhibition where people from all around the country are going to attend. Any mishap and my career will be toast!"
"I will talk to your boss. He won't dare to say a thing."
"Ge!” he complained as he attacked his hair with a comb. “You promised you will never interfere in my job!"
"Yeah, I did but only if you could take care of yourself!"
"I am! See, I am alright!"
"You wake up in a pool of sweat and tears for the third night in a row and YOU DARE TO SAY YOU ARE FINE!" A peek at his brother’s expression told him he wasn’t getting out of this without an explanation, however brief it may be. With an exaggerated huff, he put back the red coat in its place and walked over to his brother. Tsk, Ge’s brows may get a permanent furrow at this rate! Shi Qingxuan put his hands over his shoulders.
"Ge, those are just dreams and once I wake up, everything is fine! See?"
"It's happening because you are overworking yourself!” His brother’s jaw worked furiously as he declared,
“You could just join my company and have it easy. But you must defy whatever I say!"
"Oh! Please! Not this again! We are over it. I am not over-working. It's just-" Shi Qingxuan sighed helplessly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Ok, fine! After today's show I will ask Mu Qing to give me a break alright? Just today, hm?" His brother opened his mouth to argue, but before he could say anything Shi Qingxuan started again. "Gege, please! I love singing and I love my job! I really wanna grow in this career. It makes me happy! Don't you want me to be happy?"
Shi Wudu glared at him for the longest moment and then sighed. ".... Do whatever you want. You won't listen to me anyway," he grumbled with a frown, but Shi Qingxuan crowed internally over his small but sweet victory. He crushed his big brother in a tight hug and kissed his cheek.
"Thanks Ge... You are the best!"
"You-!"
He directly sprinted toward the washroom, ignoring the shouts behind him. As he closed the door behind him, the cherry smile on his face faded. He locked eyes with his own reflection in the mirror, groaning as he took himself in. Disheveled clothes, shoulder-length hair so messy it looked like a rat’s nest, and eyes, nose, cheeks, lips all red and puffy. He wailed.
"OH SHIT! MU QING IS GONNA KILL ME!!!."
.
.
.
"Qingxuan! Why the hell are you looking like a beggar rather than an idol?! Did you go to drink without telling me?!"
As he had feared, the tiger would growl wherever the evening came! He apologised to Banyue, who had already fixed half of his face with makeup, quite admirably, if he could say so himself, and turned to direct his most charmingly sheepish grin at his ever-perfectionist of a manager. If anything, it seemed to send Mu QIng closer to an aneurysm.
"You are not just you! You are Wind! Your career is still growing. Any misstep can send everything we have built crashing down. You can't go in public without my knowledge and definitely not in any bar!"
He sighed, letting his manager’s usual tirade fade into the background as he let his mind drift to the plum tree peeking out of the wooden framed window. Red plum blossoms were dancing with the wind. Winter warming slowly into spring. He had no idea how much time had passed between daydreams and Banyue’s soothing ministrations on his face, which was promptly rectified by the angriest screech from his manager yet.
"Do you hear me or not?!"
"Oh, I am sure he does! The way you are howling like a car-horn, even I could hear you from fucking two corridors away!"
Feng Xin entered with a cup of Lemonade drink and handed it over to Shi Qingxuan. With just a sip, Shi Qingxuan felt his mind relax and all hazy thoughts stopped. But as Mu Qing saw Feng Xin, his irritation only piqued.
"Yeah? Well, someone has to be mature around here, since even his bodyguard disguised as personal assistant doesn’t give a damn as to where he is going!"
"I am his assistant, not baby-sitter."
"At least stop him from acting like a child then. Why do I have to be the one always dealing with problems?"
"Because you unnecessarily create them! You didn't even get his answer if he was actually in a bar! And I know, he wasn't!"
"If he wasn't drinking then why is he like this?"
"Maybe he just didn't get enough sleep because of a certain nagging overworked of a manager."
"You-!"
"What's this place?" Shi Qingxuan's sudden question brought their cat-fight to a halt.
Feng Xin answered first. "It's an auditorium for the Jewelry Exhibition, where you will perform."
“I know that!” Shi Qingxuan rolled his eyes. “I was just curious about what this place used to be before an auditorium. It looks quite old."
"Yeah, really old, more than a few hundred years. It used to be a restaurant or tea-house or something..."
"Wine-house, idiot." Mu Qing snarked, making Feng Xin scoff. "It used to be the biggest wine-house a dozen centuries ago, named “Xihuan”. It is said that all year around, there would be a celebration for some occasion or the other. Especially on the changing of seasons."
"You know a lot." Feng Xin sounded amused, Mu Qing just rolled his eyes in return,
"Or you just forgot a lot. It's in the southeast, you disgrace."
"It's been so long. You can't blame me!"
Shi Qingxuan's attention diverted a little.
Xihuan, merriment. Something fleeted through his mind. Before he could catch, it melted like a wisp of cloud. But there was no time to chase the thought because one of the staff came in with a slight knock.
"Wind, if you are done, we’ll be starting in five minutes."
"Yes, yes. We are done. Banyue, hurry up." Mu Qing hurried them and started fixing a few loose strands in Shi Qingxuan's high bun. He was about to put a hairpin on but Shi Qingxuan stopped him.
"Ah! Sorry, forgot that you don't wear hairpins. I will use clips then." Mu Qing put down the hairpin and used two or three pins to keep the hair in place. With a final touch, Banyue finished. Shi Qingxuan looked at himself in the mirror. White skin-tight t-shirt that defined his slim-figure and the green fluffy jacket over it gave him a cutesy look with a pair of blue denim jeans. A single silver earring dangling from his right earlobe. Casual but not simple. Yes, it felt like him. With a satisfied nod, he headed toward the backstage.
3.
Xie Lian entered the VIP booth in the second floor and saw his husband sitting on the couch with a wine glass in hand and a laptop on his lap.
"San Lang, Have both of them arrived?"
"Of course, they have. How can Gege be wrong?"
"You praise me too much."
Xie Lian leaned on his husband from behind the couch and looked into the laptop screen. The screen was divided into many squares according to the number of cameras in the venue.
"Mmh! They both look gorgeous!"
"Nothing compared to you, Dianxia."
Xie Lian laughed and looped his arms around Hua Cheng's neck from behind.
"How can that be? I am a thousand and three hundred years old, an old man."
"Nonsense! Gege is still that beautiful youth from my ten years age."
Their eyes locked for a few tender moments, making the man in white go pink as though it had merely been yesterday that they had married. Xie Lian sighed and looked back at the screen.
"I hope that after a whole thousand years and two lifetimes, they will be what they had never gotten the chance to be."
"Hmph. Maybe then they will stop being the third wheel between us."
"San Lang!"