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“I am… getting married…”
Nothing could have prepared Sasuke for those words. Not even the fact that he had feared it coming for a while now. Naruto rarely wrote about Hinata in his letters, but he had mentioned going on a date with her a while ago. Sasuke had pretended it didn’t mean anything. He and Naruto… they weren’t… anything.
It was just…
They had something . Something that neither of them could deny. Something that even everyone around them could see as clear as day.
The problem was that the something was considered friendship just because they were both men.
No one questioned it. Either they veiled themselves in ignorance because they refused to see, or they couldn’t even fathom the alternative.
Sasuke wasn’t sure which one applied to Naruto.
He was watching Sasuke intently now, his blue eyes wide and expectant.
Sasuke could see him from the corner of his eye, but he couldn’t face him.
He felt his heart crumble in his chest. It was all he could do not to punch Naruto there and then.
What an idiot.
What an absolute moron.
Sasuke knew he’d been a fool for hoping that secretly, Naruto felt the same way as him, but he’d hoped all the same.
He’d lulled himself into thinking that, with time, they would inevitably end up together. It was so obvious that they were meant to be. Naruto had sent him letters at every opportunity while Sasuke was away, even if it was only to say that he’d had ramen for breakfast, lunch and dinner that day (which was appalling but hardly news).
Their correspondence had felt like something special.
Like a secret they shared, just the two of them. It had made Sasuke long to come back to Konoha, simply because that’s where Naruto was.
He had played with the idea of telling Naruto how he felt. Of showing up at his doorstep without any warning and confessing his feelings. In his dreams, Naruto smiled and said that he loved Sasuke too, and then he kissed him.
Sasuke knew those dreams were childish at best, but alone in the dark of the night, he’d allowed himself to hope.
And perhaps he had believed in those dreams more than he’d thought.
Because he was not prepared for this.
He was not prepared for Naruto saying he was getting married to someone else. For his expectant face, awaiting Sasuke’s blessing, not for a second believing that Sasuke would be anything but happy for him.
Sasuke tried to draw a breath, tried to make his numb lips move.
“Congratulations,” he said at last. He was surprised by how steady his voice sounded. But he didn’t fool Naruto.
His friend leaned on the railing of the bridge, trying to see Sasuke’s face more clearly since he hadn’t turned to look at him since the announcement.
“What’s up with you?” Naruto said slowly. “I thought you’d be happy for me…”
He hesitated, thinking. Then an idea seemed to strike him.
“I’m marrying Hinata, by the way,” he said. “Not… not Sakura, if you were worried about that…”
Sasuke barely stopped himself from breaking into hysterical laughter.
What an absolute idiot. Sasuke had been away for too long, apparently, and forgotten how thick headed Naruto could be.
“I don’t care about Sakura,” Sasuke said, and this time he clearly heard the chill in his own voice.
Naruto heard it too. He frowned.
“Then why are you being like this?”
“Like what?” Sasuke said flatly.
Naruto scoffed. “You haven’t looked at me since I told you… And you’re acting weird.”
He grabbed Sasuke’s arm, his hand like a searing mark on Sasuke’s skin, and Sasuke let him because he was just that pathetic for his touch.
“Look at me,” Naruto pleaded. “I don’t know what I did wrong. Just… Please look at me.”
Naruto pleading was something Sasuke never thought he’d experience. It felt wrong. Everything about it was wrong.
Sasuke closed his eyes tightly before forcing himself to face Naruto.
It hurt so much, looking into those bright, fierce eyes and knowing that they didn’t hold the same love for him as he held for Naruto.
But he forced himself to meet that gaze without wavering.
“You did nothing wrong,” Sasuke said, and he meant it. Naruto hadn’t done anything wrong. He just… didn’t love Sasuke.
Sasuke closed his eyes tightly, fighting off the tears. He couldn’t do this. He had to get away.
“Wha- Sasuke!” Naruto held onto Sasuke’s arm, even when Sasuke tried to turn away. “A-are you crying?”
Sasuke tried to pull out of Naruto’s grip again, but the moron held on.
“For fucks sake,” Sasuke bit out.
Couldn’t Naruto show him some mercy and let him go?
“I can’t let you go before you tell me what’s going on!” Naruto said, his voice going up a note in distress.
“Are you really that stupid?!” Sasuke snarled, or tried to, but to his mortification he sounded more like he was choking. “I love you!” He bit out. “I love you and I don’t want you to marry some fucking woman that I’ve barely heard of!”
He pulled his arm out of Naruto’s lax grip.
“You barely mentioned her in your letters. How was I supposed to prepare for this?”
Naruto stood there wide-eyed, unresponsive. Shock was written clearly on his face.
“Y-you… You love me?” he said numbly.
Sasuke couldn’t stand it any longer. The tears were pushing on and he couldn’t hold them back, so he ran. He didn’t know where he was going, but when he came to himself again, he was at the edge of a training ground. He slumped against a tree.
He’d vowed he’d never grow close to someone again because the pain of losing them was too much. But Naruto had wormed himself past all of Sasuke’s defenses, and in the end he had welcomed him in, foolishly believing that he could trust him.
And now he was losing him.
It felt like someone was trying to cave out his chest with a dull blade.
All these years he’d been travelling around, trying to find some meaning in life, trying to heal, and yet he always found himself back here, steeped in the pain of loss. Though reason told him that Naruto was still alive, that he was still there for him, the pain mixed with old pain, and he felt himself fall off the precipice into a despair that rose up to greet him like an old friend.
------
At some point, Sasuke managed to drag himself back to his apartment and fell into a blessedly dreamless sleep. But his peaceful sleep was disturbed all too soon by someone banging on his door like there were lives at stake.
“Sasuke, open up!”
Naruto.
Fuck.
Fuck .
Sasuke rolled over so he was facing the wall and put a pillow over his head. If he ignored him for long enough, he’d eventually leave.
Two seconds later he heard a loud crash and then Naruto’s voice came from inside his living room.
“Sasuke! I need to talk to you!”
“Go away!” Sasuke yelled, but that didn’t stop Naruto from barging into his bedroom.
Sasuke sat up, livid with anger.
How dared Naruto intrude into his home after everything he’d already put him through?
What more did he want from him?!
He was about to launch into motion when something Naruto said made him freeze.
“What…?” Sasuke said slowly.
“I said,” Naruto’s voice was softer now, “I broke it off with Hinata.”
They stared at each other as the fight went out of the both of them.
Sasuke shook his head. “But… Why…?”
A shadow of a smile passed over Naruto’s tired face. He kneeled in front of Sasuke.
“Because I love you,” he said.
Sasuke stared at Naruto’s upturned face, searching for a drawback.
He shook his head. “So… You’re not marrying her after all?”
Naruto shook his head. The smile was definitely there now.
“And you’re…” Sasuke hesitated. “You’re not… with her… anymore?”
Another headshake.
“I want to be with you,” Naruto said, smiling bright. “I just didn’t think you felt the same way.”
Sasuke frowned. His jumbled feelings had been clogging his brain, making everything seem… surreal. But Naruto was definitely there, telling him he loved him… Sasuke touched Naruto’s cheek. It was warm and felt real enough, and crinkled as a full-blown smile spread on Naruto’s face.
Then the smile suddenly receded and left Naruto looking concerned.
“Sasuke… Are you okay?”
Sasuke wasn’t sure. He felt… strange. His hand was shaking and his vision was blurred. He couldn’t collect his thoughts.
Naruto rose up on his knees and hugged Sasuke, cradling him close.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his hands firm on Sasuke’s neck and back. “I’ve been an idiot.”
Sasuke’s hand clutched the back of Naruto’s shirt like it was a lifesaver.
He couldn’t stop it. The sobs forced their way out of him, wracking his body as he tried to keep them back.
He didn’t know why it was happening. It was just… all those feelings right under the surface, and then Naruto hugging him and patting his back and saying soothing words. There was no way Sasuke could hold it back anymore.
Naruto crawled into bed next to Sasuke so that he could hold him properly, and Sasuke clutched him as tight as he could. He was the only safe, real thing in his life. The only one he relied on to always be there for him.
And he’d thought he’d lost him.
------
Sasuke wasn’t sure of how long they stayed on his bed. He clutched Naruto until the sobs receded, and then some time after that because he didn’t want to face Naruto after his breakdown.
Naruto didn’t complain and didn’t move away. He held Sasuke for as long as he needed, not asking a single question. Sasuke wanted to crack a joke at that. I didn’t know you could shut up for this long . But he didn’t trust his voice.
They had ended up lying down on the bed, facing each other, Sasuke’s head tucked underneath Naruto’s chin. It was reassuring to hear Naruto’s steady heartbeat so close.
Sometimes… Some nights while Sasuke was away from Konoha, he tortured himself by imagining that he’d managed to kill Naruto. He imagined himself sitting next to Naruto’s lifeless body. Sometimes he dreamed about it, and when he woke up he couldn’t convince himself that it wasn’t true since Naruto wasn’t there with him.
But now he was right there, close enough to touch, his heat and familiar scent so painfully real.
Sasuke wanted to keep him close like his for eternity, so that he never had to experience that fear again.
Naruto was the one who moved first. He pulled back and scooted down to face Sasuke. Sasuke put his hand over his face to hide his blotchy skin and red rimmed eyes.
“We’ve fought to the brink of death and saved the world together,” Naruto said softly. “I’ve seen you cry twice and held you once. And still you think you have to hide from me.”
“No one was supposed to witness this,” Sasuke muttered.
Naruto gently pried Sasuke’s hand away. “No one but me,” he said. Their eyes met and Naruto looked at Sasuke without judgment or pity.
Sasuke closed his eyes briefly, unable to take in the love and compassion in that single look.
“We’ve experienced everything there is together,” Naruto whispered. “You can’t go shy on me after this.”
Sasuke rolled his eyes. “I’m not being shy. Besides… we haven’t experienced everything there is together.”
Naruto looked puzzled.
Sasuke reached out and flicked Naruto’s chin. “We haven’t kissed,” he said.
To his delight, Naruto flushed a bright pink.
“And we haven’t…” Sasuke ‘s finger caught at the collar of Naruto’s t-shirt before trailing down along Naruto’s chest and over his stomach, slowing to a halt above his belly button.
Naruto was staring at Sasuke with wide eyes and red cheeks, and a strange thought occurred to Sasuke. Could it be that… Naruto was inexperienced?
Before he could tease Naruto (which was hypocritical of him, he knew, but Naruto didn’t need to know that just yet), Naruto had lifted himself up and was leaning over Sasuke.
“We could…” his cheeks were still pink, and his gaze strayed down to Sasuke’s lips before meeting Sasuke’s eyes again. “… fix that.”
A teasing remark was right at the tip of Sasuke’s tongue – what exactly do you want to fix? – but it died away under the intensity of Naruto’s gaze.
As the gap between their mouths closed, Sasuke could swear that his heart threatened to leap out of his chest. He tried not to appear as overcome as he felt when Naruto’s lips touched his, but this was Naruto, and he had longed for this since he knew what longing was.
He tried to draw in a breath through his nose, but it was clogged so he ended up making a choking sound. Naruto immediately drew back, probably thinking Sasuke was dying, but Sasuke grabbed the back of his head and pulled him back in.
Naruto was unsurprisingly a sloppy kisser. Sasuke had expected him to at least have a little finesse since he presumably had some experience, but honestly it didn’t matter. Naruto was intense and eager and warm, and his mouth, soft and hot on Sasuke’s, was everything that mattered.
Sasuke wouldn’t have been able to stop if it wasn’t for one thing.
He practically had to push Naruto off him so that he could gasp, “I can’t breathe.”
With his nose clogged he sounded like a petulant child.
Naruto fell over laughing. “Way to kill the mood, Sasuke.”
“Shaddup, moron,” Sasuke grumbled.
Naruto was laughing so hard he was crying.
Sasuke hit him lightly over the head to show his displeasure, but secretly he enjoyed seeing Naruto this happy, even if it was at his own expense.
When Naruto finally was done laughing, he dried his tears and asked if he should get Sasuke some paper tissues.
“It’s fine,” Sasuke said. “When I’m lying like this, it goes back.”
Naruto chuckled. “Gross!”
He slumped down next to Sasuke and sighed.
“I’m an idiot,” he said all of a sudden.
“What else is new?” Sasuke said.
“Ha-ha,” Naruto said. He propped himself up on one elbow. “I really thought that Hinata and I… that we could work. But with her, I never felt like this. We couldn’t laugh together. She didn’t get my humor. She either looked scandalized or puzzled when I tried to say something funny.”
“That’s because your humor is shit,” Sasuke said lightly.
Naruto huffed. “But you like it too, so what does that say about you, hm?”
He put his other arm around Sasuke’s waist so that he could pull him closer.
“I already know I have bad taste,” Sasuke said. “I like you, don’t I?”
Naruto gasped. “Ouch.”
“And you like me, so…” Sasuke looped his arm around Naruto’s neck and shrugged at the same time.
Naruto leaned in as if for a kiss, but he kept his eyes open, his lips only brushing Sasuke’s.
“You’re not-“ he said softly, but Sasuke stopped him with a kiss.
Naruto tried again when they parted for air.
“You’re not bad-“
Sasuke kissed him harder.
“Don’t talk,” Sasuke said the next time they parted, before Naruto could say anything. “Just kiss me.”
Naruto nodded. He kept his word.