Work Text:
[Then.]
"I can't see this working out. Not as, like, a long term thing. I just— I'm sorry, Jinsol but I don't see it."
Jungeun says, her wet hair falls over her shoulder. She looks down at her coffee, cloudy with cream that she hasn't yet stirred, the spoon rigid in her fist. Her eyes are awake and aware.
Jinsol swallows, blinks when her vision starts swimming. "You're not looking hard enough." She says voice choked. "This is working. This is it for me."
Jungeun half shrugs, half shakes her head, making Jinsol wait as she nonchalantly takes a sip of her coffee, the coffee Jinsol made when she rolled out of bed, listening to Jungeun sing in the shower, wondering if it would be a good day. It's hard to tell the difference between the good and the bad; hard to tell if the tension in Jungeun's shoulders when she walks into the kitchen is because she had a hard time sleeping or she's tired of Jinsol's feet tapping on the linoleum floor as she pours whisked eggs into the skillet. Hard to tell if Jungeun kisses her cheeks before she sits down for breakfast out of affection or out of habit. Jinsol clenches her jaw, pushes her bangs back from her face and wills herself not to cry.
"Maybe." Jungeun finally says, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "But, I mean, you know me. I'm honest. And I didn't enter this relationship with any intentions to make it last. You know me, Jinsol. I'm not built for this. I thought you know that."
Jinsol sets her mug down, bites her lip. "Jungeun."
"Jinsol, I adore you, really. But I don't want to do this anymore. I'm packing up my things when I come back from work."
It doesn't make sense to Jinsol. Jungeun sounds like she's saying she loves her at the same time she's blatantly saying her good-byes.
[Now.]
"Sol, are you leaving the house at all today?" Sooyoung's voice shouts from the static noises on the other side of the phone, almost completely drowned out by the rumble of thunder outside. The crack of lightning flashes in the far left of the window of Jinsoul's living room. She shrugs, she knows Sooyoung would feel it.
"Why should I? It's raining—"
"You're allergic to the rain, I know I know." Sooyoung sighs.
"I'm also writing." Jinsol says softy, quietly.
"You always write best when it's raining." Sooyoung smiles at Jinsol's stunned silence.
"Don't be so surprised. You might have dated Jungeun for four years but I'm still your best friend." The sound of splashing and her squeal muffled against Jinsoul's cheek as she tilts her head and squints her eyes at the open laptop on her lap.
"Shit! I just ruined my new shooooooes." Sooyoung whines. "You're not even worth all of this, Sol. So help me God if you don't have ramen ready when I get there."
Jinsoul rolls her eyes. "Shut up, Sooyoung. No one told you, you can come over."
"Well, someone has to take care of you when you go into your hermit writer mode. you don't eat, drink or sleep. You write and write and it's crazy. Damnit it, Jinsol. You so need me to survive."
"Whatever." Jinsol smiles. "Have fun getting poured on."
"MY RAMEN JEONG JINSOL!" Sooyoung shouts before hanging up as another rumble of thunder rolls through the sky.
Jinsol pushes her laptop off her legs and sighs, padding over to the kitchen slowly, savoring the way her feet stick to certain spots on the floor where she spilled coffee and never bothered to wipe it up. That'll piss off, Jungeun. She's searching the cabinets she hasn't opened in months; when she sees it. the mug she got for Jungeun for Christmas, specifically made with one of her favorite quote from her favorite blog on tumblr: butterflyrising.
It reads: may this stillness stay
and quiet the noise in my head
so i can hear the voice in my heart
Jinsol thought it was witty when she got it considering their friendgroup had always referred to them as the couple that never shuts up. They're always full of banters, of TMIs that brightens up the whole place and the sort of entertainment her friends pick on. Jungeun had always more than one cup in the morning and when Jinsol was wrapping it up she could picture herself mocking Jungeun when she got the second cup, with a smug smirk plastered on jinsoul's face and Jungeun would just roll her eyes playfully before she kisses Jinsol until her knees went weak and she didn't care anymore.
Because that's what the relationship blogs say right. Date someone that makes you roll your eyes and laugh right after. They were wrong. It happened once or twice. Not exactly the way she imagined it, towards the end when Jinsol's confidence started to wither and she says it with less playfulness, when Jungeun would just huff irritably and drop the mug into the sink before stomping her way to the bathroom to get ready for work.
Jinsol reaches for it instinctually, like she's reaching for a piece of Jungeun. But her hands are shaking and the words are blurring and it's so ridiculous and stupid and she wants it to stop so bad that she drops the mug on the floor.
Then.
It's their third Christmas together, alone for once and they spend it mixing rum and coke in their wine glasses like adults while wearing pajamas and ugly Christmas sweaters Jinsol insist they get like children. They drunkenly tell stories from when they were kids, giggly and sloppy as Jinsol kicks over her cartoon of chinese takeout by accident and Jungeun, in the process of trying to scoop the noodles out, elbows her glass off the sofa armrest and stains the carpet.
It's best Christmas Jinsol has ever had. Easily.
Jungeun gives Jinsol a knitting kit and a moleskin journal with randomly pressed flowers in between the pages. She also gives her new gundams for her collection. Jinsol feels sheepish giving her only a mug and a ring with Jungeun's birthstone on it and matching heart bracelets.
But Jungeun kisses her anyway, thighs bracketing hips as she straddles Jinsol on the couch and tangles her hands in Jinsol's hair. Jinsol, the lightweight of a dork that she is, drunk on two and a half glass of rum and coke with badly cut bangs dressed in an ugly Christmas sweater, and it rolls off her tongue easily, accidentally.
"I love you, Jungeun."
Jungeun leans back slightly confused. "Huh?"
"I love you, I'm sorry." The words tumble out of her, too honest, too trusting.
Jungeun's breath catches somewhere in her throat. Her voice is a loose floorboard. "Don't be sorry. Just... Don't ask okay? Don't ask for more than I can give you." Jungeun still has her eyes closed as if it's too painful to look at Jinsol right now.
Jungeun's words burn like acid on Jinsol's skin, so she kissed her again to make the feeling go away. She's too drunk to tell if it works.
Now.
Even with the mug shattered on the floor, Jinsol still feels the words burning into her hands like a mistake.
She debates what she should do. The most obvious, logical reaction is to break down and collapse on the floor, sobbing. Because she's dramatic and Jungeun broke her heart like people squash anthills under their feet: unknowingly, unapologetically, all the time. But Jinsol is the kind of girl who says sorry to a cockroach for stepping on them by accident. Jinsol is the kind of girl who would avoid stepping on anthills. She thinks Sooyoung is too.
And she's suddenly reminded of that picture of Jungeun with her new girlfriend on instagram. Jinsol thinks her name is Eunseo but it could be anything really, by the way her tears obscure her vision. And it would be perfectly acceptable if she were just to break down, then and there.
But, Jinsol doesn't. Her breathing is still ragged, her hands are still shaking but she sidesteps the shards of whatever she and Jungeun had and pulls the bright package of noodles that Sooyoung seems addicted to from the counter.
She's fine. Sooyoung will be here soon.
Then.
"I just don't want to do it, Jinsol. What's the big deal?" Jungeun says, hand rubbing circles in her temple like speaking to her is the most stressful thing she's ever done.
"Because, it's my birthday and that's what people dooooooo." Jinsol slurs, staring at the bottom of her beer bottle almost puzzled, almost like she doesn't know why or how it got empty.
"Sooyoung posted something for me. On instagram. It was really long and nice and the picture was so nice. With lots of bears too. And! Jiwoo posted this super long paragraph too. That was nice. People do nice things for people on their birthdays."
Jungeun looks up from the slice of pizza on her plate and frowns. They're sitting at Jinsol's favorite pizza parlor at midnight and Jinsol is drunker than she's ever been.
"I got you the tiara that's on your head. I don't have to post something online for you on your birthday. It's just a day" Jungeun says, tone patronizing.
Jinsol picks up her empty green bottle and examines it from all angles. "You know what I think? You're scared to call me your girlfriend in public. That's what I think."
It's like she slapped Jungeun across the face. "Wow." Jungeun says. "That's... I can't believe you would say that drunk."
Jinsol sets the bottle back down, staring at Jungeun in the face with the same puzzled expression. "I would say it sober if I didn't love you so much. Loving you is like a job. It's too damn hard."
Jungeun then gets them a cab and wipes the makeup off of Jinsol's face when she's too drunk to do it herself and kisses her goodnight when they're back in bed but it feels like a wedge was driven between them. The next morning and the next and the next, the feeling doesn't go away.
Now.
It's a thing. People stalk their ex on Facebook or Instagram or basically any social platform. Jinsol knows it's a thing. It doesn't make her feel any better, scrolling through Jungeun's page, looking for meaning in the meaningless shit Jungeun posts.
She wishes she could wonder what Jinsol ever saw in her. But she can't, because she already knows. She fell for Jungeun's easy going attitude, her taste in music and the way she got poetic when she gets drunk and her eyes, the way she looks at Jinsol like she hung every star in the sky. She knows.
And it sucks. What sucks more: Jungeun's new girlfriend is Eunseo. And she's all over Jungeun's Facebook and Instagram.
Jinsol scrolls picture after picture, vacation after vacation, smile after smile and smile and smile and damn they look good together and then:
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND EUNSEO !!! Stay gorgeous babe, I'm lucky to have you. Love youuuu!
Jinsol swallows. There's a crown of thorns choking her throat.
She's not fine. She cries.
Then.
She can't stop crying.
She's been crying all day— on the kitchen floor and on her bed, in the shower and on the couch. It's numbing and torturous.
But other than that, Jinsol is totally fine. Other than the fact that even as she sits, her knees curled up to her chest and sniffling. Jungeun is shuffling around their bedroom, shoving all of her belongings in a big garbage bag like she can just neatly undo herself in Jinsol's heart, just like that.
It's... God. It's not fine.
Jinsol's knees are wobbly as she pushes herself up the floor, feet stinging with imaginary pins and needles as her feet flooded with blood. "Jungeun?" She croaks. Voice wrecked.
Jungeun edges out their— Jinsol's bedroom doorway and sighs. "Yeah. I'm almost done here."
It's so not fine. It's horrible.
"Can we talk about this?" Jinsol starts choking on the lump in her throat. "Please, Jungeun. I'm begging. Think about this."
Jungeun hears a huff from the hallway. "What's there to talk about. I told you everything I needed this morning." Jungeun comes out from the bedroom then face red with frustration. "I have thought through it."
"You haven't. Please." Jinsol reaches out to touch Jungeun's face but she flinches away. "Is there someone else? Is that what it is?"
"Is there someone else? Jinsol you're asking ME that?" Jungeun laughs.
"Jungeun, I have never cheated on you. Never."
Jungeun scoffs. "you know what, I'm not even going to say it. God, Jinsol. Figure it out on your own because I'm sure as hell not doing that for you."
Jinsol feels anger bubbling in her. "That's it then? You're just going to walk away? Four years in and you're walking away? What the fuck Jungeun."
Jinsol watches as the frown on Jungeun's face deepen and she feels no remorse for her. "I love you. I don't know how many times I have to say it for you to believe it."
Jungeun shakes her head, knuckles turning white from how she's gripping the garbage bag in fists. "I want to believe you. That's not the problem, Jinsol."
Jungeun starts to move past her but Jinsol doesn't let her. "You never said it back. I know. I know, Jungeun that you're afraid of this. But I'll wait. Please. I won't leave. I'll wait."
Jungeun's eyes are cold when she locks eyes with Jinsol, shoving her out of the way. "You're not in love with me, Sol." Jinsol flinches when Sooyoung's nickname for her was used.
"You weren't the one waiting, I was. And I know you want to believe that you love me and I badly wish it was true but it's not, Jinsol and I'm so tired of pretending and convincing myself that I'm the person you love."
Jinsol can't even get out anything else when the door slammed shut because Jungeun is already walking down the hallway, shoving her feet into her shoes and slamming the door behind her.
It feels like the scene should end here. Like all the movies go but it doesn't. Jinsol's chest screams but she doesn't move. She looks down from the doorknob where Jungeun's hands was and her eyes fall on the metal bucket in the corner of the hallway, a black umbrella that doesn't belong to her.
Now.
She's the least fine she's ever been and Sooyoung decides it's the perfect time to knock.
Jinsol almost doesn't answer.
Jinsol almost sits on her couch and keeps crying and keeps crying and staring at the stupid smile on Jungeun's face as she leans her cheek and her girlfriend's face and loves someone else that isn't Jinsol and why it doesn't hurt anymore. And she almost doesn't answer the door because then she would have to acknowledge that Jungeun was right. Jungeun had always been right and it scares Jinsol terribly. She almost doesn't answer the door.
Because the person is Sooyoung. Her person is Sooyoung. Sooyoung with her raspy morning voice. Sooyoung with no make up on. Sooyoung with her eyes closed and headphones in her ears and lips chapped from eating too much chips with vinegar. Sooyoung who loves Jinsol. Sooyoung who loves Jinsol as a friend. Sooyoung who loves Jinsol like a sister. Sooyoung who Jinsol wished would be a stranger just so she could love her. Just so she could be allowed to love her. Sooyoung who always had Jinsol's heart and coughed it up for fun. So yeah, Jinsol almost doesn't answer the door.
But it's Sooyoung and Sooyoung had always been home. She takes a sharp, ragged breath and stumbles to the hallway, hand against the wall as her knees start to buckle at the weight of her own heart shattering.
It's incredibly overdramatic. She fumbles to open the door, still heaving anyway.
Her throat is still crucifying the words in her throat and there are still hammers whamming in her vocal cords when she manages to unlock the door and let Sooyoung in. It feels like a metaphor of some sort.
She's coughing and sniffing when Sooyoung says "Sol?" and pushes the door open the rest of the way, taking Jinsol into her arms without thinking.
With tears burning in her eyes like acid, all Jinsol could see was Jungeun's abandoned black umbrella. With Sooyoung's soft hushing and kissing her hair softly, all Jinsol could hear is the growling of thunder at the heavens. With her thoughts collapsing like bridges during earthquakes, like dams during tsunamis. All Jinsol could think is. I wonder if she's bought a new umbrella yet. I wonder if she's standing under the rain, shielding someone else like she did for me.
Maybe, just maybe Jinsol doesn't hate the rain because it once brought her Jungeun and now it brought her Sooyoung and Jinsol is thankful and sorry for never loving both right.