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Inspired by this amazing headcanon.
Levi would never, ever, ever admit it - and he understands that his refusal to even unwillingly come to terms with this obsession of his is quite childish - but he would never, not even under the threat of death, admit that he - in fact - loves Erwin Smith.
Yes!
Levi Ackerman — humanity’s strongest soldier, unapproachable, abrasive bastard extraordinaire, emotionless, brash, crude, all around anti-social, borderline sociopathic clean-freak — loves Mr. Erwin look - at - me - I’m - fucking - perfect - in - every - fucking - perfect - way Smith.
And really, who can blame him?
Well, if anyone knew it, they wouldn’t be able to blame him.
No one - thank all the gods and everyone who listened - knows that Levi loves Erwin, and it will remain so if anyone asks him.
And the reason why he loves him?
It’s too embarrassing to even mention.
He curses the day he first laid eyes on Erwin Smith and those big, muscular strong arms, because the moment he saw them, the moment he - for the briefest second imaginable - thought how good it would feel to have those arms around him, Levi was falling hook, line and sinker.
And as though that wasn’t enough, Erwin proved that he didn’t mind a single aspect of Levi’s character. Levi could say the nastiest, crudest thing he could come up with - and you better believe that he can come up with a lot of things - and Erwin would say nothing.
Those lush lips would tilt up into that small, kind smile, those sky blue eyes would light up as though he lived to listen to Levi tear someone a new one, and such a sense of pride would roll off of Erwin that Levi couldn’t help but bask in it.
Levi tried everything, really.
For months he was trying to convince himself that it was all in his head, that he was acting stupid and childish, and that there was no way in hell there would ever be anything between them.
But then he found himself seeking Erwin out. It grew into this need to always be in the Commander’s shadow (especially because Erwin seems to have little to no regard for his own life and Levi often wonders how the man survived for this long).
It felt like they were playing this stupid, annoying game of tag. Like Erwin was always one step ahead of Levi, doing his damned best to put the younger man into situations which would make him hiss and spit at some idiotic bastard or another, or he would make Levi do neck-breaking, borderline suicidal stunts to keep Titans away from Erwin so the Commander would survive and lead them all to safety.
It wasn’t funny and Levi wasn’t enjoy it, especially since it seemed as though Erwin was trying to prove a point to the silver-eyed man; a point he just couldn’t get.
And then came the Expedition - the journey beyond the walls that changed everything.
Levi didn’t remember much of it. He remembered leaving the safety of the walls behind, riding no less than two horse paces behind Erwin. The next thing he remembered was waking up lying down in a bed, a single candle on the nightstand to his left shining dim light and Erwin sitting in a chair, elbows perched on the armrests and fingers entwined in front of his lips.
Levi had a number of injuries that rivaled one of Hanji’s shopping lists when the thrice damned woman would go hunting for her torture tools (research instruments, she would argue). He was hardly able to move, he felt as though Titans were dancing kazachok on his head, and his throat was dry as though he hasn’t had a drink for a week (later he found out that he hasn’t shown a sign of waking up for the whole of six days).
And yet as much as Levi wanted to go right back to sleep - because really, who wouldn’t want that if they felt like Levi did at that moment - he couldn’t. Not when he could see horror in Erwin’s eyes, the unusual hunch of those strong shoulders, the dark smudges the size of Levi’s thumbs under those blue depths, and the whiteness of Erwin’s knuckles, his fingers digging into the tender skin on top of Erwin’s hands as though he wanted to break them.
“You’re brooding, old man,” Levi said, the weakness and raspy quality of his voice shocking him, but he couldn’t exactly show it because his whole body was wrecked with painful coughs, and he swore it would be less painful if he could cough his lungs out so they could get a bit of fresh air before returning to his beaten and battered body.
Through the painful coughing fit, Levi was aware of strong arms lifting him up before he was settled back against a broad chest, and seconds later there was a big, warm hand under his chin, something smooth and cool being pressed against his bottom lip as the voice he had so gotten used to that he kept hearing it in his dreams murmured against his ear to take it slow.
The coughing finally stopped and when he didn’t feel as though someone was rubbing his throat with a grinder, Levi let go of a sigh and leaned back against that breathing mountain, not caring in the slightest that it was Erwin Smith he was resting against, because even though he wasn’t parched like a dry well anymore, his head sure as hell felt as though someone thought it was a good idea to beat it - continuously - with a metal bat.
Might have been his conscience though. He’ll never know.
And then happened the turning point of their relationship.
Just as he was about to tumble into la-la land again, he felt his pillow take a deep, heavy breath, heard it waver as it left succulent lips, and Levi’s eyes went almost impossibly wide when those hands he has been yearning to feel wrapped around him - although he would never, ever, ever admit that - draped around his aching body, holding him close to that strong form, and soft slips pressed against his neck.
Levi could have sworn he felt something wet drop on his shoulder, but he couldn’t prove it, and really who would care about such things when they were being held by Erwin-fucking-Smith, the man who gave an oath never to enter a relationship because, quote: “I don’t know how long I’ll live, and I don’t want to make anyone suffer,” end quote.
“Do you really hate me that much that you would rather die than be with me?”
Levi was dreaming.
Correction, he was dead.
Yep!
He had died and gone into this twisted sort of heaven where everything hurt and Erwin was asking him to be with him.
Yep, yeah, yes, hell yes, what-fucking-ever, he was dead and everything was perfectly okay, and he wasn’t imagining things and - holy fucking god he hated it.
He was supposed to die to get this?!
Fuck you, god!
“Levi…” he heard Erwin press out tightly, the hold the Commander had on the smaller man tightening without bringing him harm, and the only thing Levi could think of was that Erwin gives the best hugs (not that he received a whole lot of hugs in his pretty short life).
He thought he was dead, can you blame him?!
“If you still want to remain in Recon Corps I’ll make sure you’re never ride beside me again,” Levi froze up and his eyes widened, and he was sure - he was a hundred percent sure - that this wasn’t how things are supposed to be in heaven, “I’ll put you on the very end of the formation.” Hell, yes. He was officially in hell. “I’ll never get near you again, just please, please don’t risk your life like that again.”
Or was it heaven?
“If you want to leave the Recon Corps, I’ll sign your resignation letter myself, just please…” Erwin’s voice was weak and thick and wavering, and nothing made sense anymore, because Levi was supposed to be dead, and this was supposed to be whatever came after death, and- “please, don’t make me feel like this again. Please. Don’t make me think I’ve lost you again.”
Okay.
Nothing made sense anymore.
And what did Levi do when nothing made sense?
Yep, you’re right.
“You’re squeezing too hard, bastard,” he muttered, certain that Erwin didn’t hear him, except he did, and those arms loosened up a bit, a heart-breakingly heart-broken laugh passing Erwin’s lips. “Whatever,” Levi spoke in a dull, emotionless tone, resting his whole weight against the mountain of a man behind him, “I’m dead so it doesn’t really matter.”
Levi remembered Erwin tensing up behind him. He remembered feeling the muscles of Erwin’s torso rippling against his back as the Commander rolled Levi’s words around in his head.
“You’re not dead, Levi,” Erwin answered after what felt like hours later to Levi’s jumbled mess of a mind, and Levi let go of a noncommittal sound, allowing his eyes to slip closed as a sigh rolled off of his lips.
“Whatever. I don’t care. Just don’t move,” he mumbled, and the last thing he heard before sleep claimed him was a soft, deep laugh and:
“Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”
You can only imagine Levi’s surprise when he woke up what might have been the next morning, hurting only slightly less, and found Erwin dozing off beside him, sitting against the headboard, one big, warm hand resting on Levi’s head as though Erwin was making sure Levi was still there and the other lying lax on one strong thigh.
Erwin must have heard the choked up, startled grunt that escaped Levi because the Commander twitched and opened his eyes, those sky-like depths focusing immediately, and lips Levi secretly - in the deepest, darkest parts of his soul - wanted to ravish tilted up into a small, relieved smile.
Levi’s eyes widened when Erwin brushed his right hand through matted raven strands, the only thing going through Levi’s mind being ‘I’m not dead. I’m not dead. I’m not dead.’
“You live to give me trouble, don’t you?” Erwin asked, voice dripping with fondness.
“And you live to test my patience, so I guess we’re even,” Levi muttered dully, his heart beating against his bruised ribcage as though it wanted to beat its way out of him.
“I don’t care,” Erwin answered, and Levi lost his breath when the Commander slowly slipped off of the bed to kneel beside Levi, lying his left forearm on the bed and perching his right elbow beside his left hand, right coming to rest on the back of Erwin’s neck as he bowed his head to look straight in Levi’s eyes. “I don’t care how much trouble you bring me as long as you’re alive and you never leave my side.”
“Hug me again and I might think about it,” Levi blurted out making him curse mentally at his own bluntness, but - much later - he thought it was a good thing to say, because - first - it made Erwin laugh, and second it gave him the thing he craved for such a long time he couldn’t even remember when he started yearning for it.
Ever since then Levi has been privy to those hugs.
And even though no one knew about them - and Levi would make damn sure no one ever found out - he couldn’t help but feel exceptionally smug about it, because whenever they were alone, whenever Erwin wrapped those strong arms around him - whenever Levi would get a chance to rest his head on Erwin’s chest, his ear pressed against strong muscles, Erwin’s heart beating under it - Levi would feel happy, he would feel safe and guarded, and no amount of danger, no amount of life-threatening situations could take this away from him.
And - don’t tell anyone - but the thing Levi loved most about Erwin’s hugs was when the Commander would rest his head on top of Levi’s after pressing a gentle, loving kiss against raven strands, and whisper ‘I love you’ so softly, thinking Levi couldn’t hear him, but Levi did, and he would wrap his arms around Erwin’s waist, burying his face in his lover’s chest, and mouth ‘I love you too’, knowing that even though Erwin couldn’t hear him, he could feel it.
And that was enough.
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