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“Daozhang?” Chengmei's voice invaded his quiet meditation one day. He sounded somewhat troubled and uncertain... As if debating whether to approach Xingchen or not.
“Yes, Chengmei?” he replied, putting on a warm and inviting smile to show him it was alright to come closer.
He heard him step into the room, tentatively and slowly, still reluctant. So Xiao Xingchen got up to meet him halfway. Also he felt like he needed to reach out to him, take his hand or cup his cheek to reassure him further that he could tell him whatever he had come here to say. And also just for self-indulgent reasons, as Xiao Xingchen really enjoyed touching the other man. Now that they had become so close - close as can be - and the once stranger, now turned lover, didn't shy away from his touch any longer, had come to cherrish and often demanded it even. Maybe this was just such a time? Maybe Chengmei had come for some cuddles?
Xingchen heard him take a deep breath then and, breathing out, Chengmei asked in a small, slightly trembling voice: “Do you... love me?”
Xiao Xingchen was startled for a moment, not expecting this question. Wasn't it rather obvious now? And hadn't it been clear for quite some time (two years to be exact) how he felt? Hadn't he told Chengmei often enough what he and his companionship meant to Xingchen? How could Chengmei still doubt him?
Shaking his head with a fond smile on his face, now really bringing up that hand, he cupped Chengmei's cheek and said with convition: “Yes of course, Chengmei!" You know that I love you! I tell you so every day and... show you every night.” - he added, a small blush creeping up his face as he thought about just how they spent their nights...
“But... Do you really love me?” Chengmei asked him again. Usually he would tease him, would say something that would make Xingchen blush even more, but now his voice actually sounded oddly breathless and small, still full of uncertainty, as he continued: “Daozhang... Will you always love me? No matter what? Would you still love me... even though... Even though you knew I was despicable?”
Xingchen frowned, now equal turns concerned and shocked at Chengmei's sudden chain of thought: “Chengmei... You're not despicable! What makes you say that? And yes! Yes, I will always love you, no matter what!" - he told him ardently and then continued softer, but with his voice still trembling slightly - "Chengmei... you mean the world to me... Before you... I was in a dark place... and then you came and... You've brought me unimaginable happiness again. I'd never want to miss that again... Never want to miss you from my life again! Ever!”
He heard Chengmei take in a chocked breath. And then the former stranger turned friend, his little friend turned lover, who always was so adamant to seem self-assured and as if nothing could get to him, who belittled showing emotion and being sentimental like that, and still somewhat shied away from such random acts of affection and small, as good as insignificant, gestures of appreciation. He was now trapping Xingchen in a crushing hug, head buried in the robes on his chest and suddenly started sobbing. Much to the confusion and shock of Xiao Xingchen.
Together, they sank to the floor soon after and Xingchen started patting and stroking his lover's head and his back, making soothing noises: “Chengmei... shh.. What is it? Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong?” – though he couldn't for the life of him tell what about his love confession could have been interpreted differently from how he had intended it.
Chengmei shook his head, burying it deeper into the folds of his robes: “I'm just... I'm scared... You're just so fucking perfect and... the best thing that ever happened to me... and I... love you... so damn much... and I don't want to ruin it... this... What we have... But... I should tell you something... You deserve the truth... But once I do, this will end... I don't want it to end...”
“Chengmei? Just what is wrong?" Xingchen demanded to know again, "I told you nothing would make me stop loving you!" - he sighed, opting for some sincerity which might help Chengmei see the truth of his words - "I mean, yes, you do have your moments, where you are a bit rude and hot-headed and rather aggressive... toward other people, but I've come to know you as a genuinely caring and gentle person! There's kindness and good in you! I know you have chosen not to tell me anything about your past and I've been clear about not caring about it, as the state of you now is what defines you to me. But even if there's something you have done before staying here with us... with me... I don't believe that it's anything that makes you despicable...”
Chengmei snorted at that, then started laughing, it sounded a little manic, especially because he was still raked by heart-wrenching sobs. His current demeanour and breakdown was so unlike anything he'd expected Chengmei to be capabable of or willing to show him... Xiao Xingchen was still thoroughly puzzled as to what had brought about this sudden shift and what the man he loved could have possibly done in his past to be sure that Xingchen would just suddenly reject him now after everything...
Chengmei's chocked laughter and his sobs slowly died down and he got back some semblance of composed calm. Taking another deep breath he all but stammered: “Just... before I do... I want to kiss you.... In case... this is the last chance I get to...”
And thus, before Xingchen could say or do anything else, Chengmei brought his lips onto his. Not as he usually did, fast and crushing, passionate and ready to devour him. No... This kiss was soft and oh so gentle. As if he was slowly mapping Xingchen's lips, savouring the connection of skin on skin, the sensation of his tongue slowly licking lips and teeth, the feeling of their mingling hot breaths, making goosebumps rise on Xingchen's arms and necks.
Then Chengmei brought up his hands to cup his cheek.
But something was different this time.
Usually, Chengmei only ever cupped his cheek with his right hand, his left hand always either buried in the folds of Xingchen's guzhuang or ghosting over the small of his back. Now though, his left hand was cupping his cheek, his thumb stroking the soft skin. But there was something covering his palm. Something cold and rough... leathery. And while four fingers bend to accommodate his cheek, the fifth – the pinky – stayed hard and stiff... feeling not like a finger at all... but more like... wood...
There was something in the back of his head, trying to rise to the surface. He knew this move had been deliberate. That Chengmei saw this as one step towards his revelation of whatever he wanted to tell him. That this – the state of his left hand – should mean something...
Dread pooled in Xingchen's heart and stomach. There was some truth here. Some ugly truth. Something slowly making his skin crawl as it began to unravel before his mind's eye. And it would have already if a part of him didn't fight it down, whatever tried to rise to the surface. Choosing instead to guard his heart and soul by remaining blissfully ignorant and in denial...
But he could only fight down the truth from coming out for so long, and Chengmei was adamant to put the final nail in that coffin...
“Please don't forget that I loved you Xiao Xingchen... I really did... I'm sorry...”
That voice... It was Chengmei's and it wasn't. It was less throaty, softer, lilting... So very familiar to him still... because it sometimes still haunted his nightmares... It belonged to his worst nightmare...
Xue Yang....
Xingchen instantly recoiled, scrambling back on the floor, pathetically and ungracefully. But that was far from important now, as long as he got to put as much distance between him and Xue Yang as possible.
His sword... He needed to get his sword! Where was Shuanghua? Who knew what Xue Yang was planning! Xiao Xingchen was currently at a disadvantage here. If Xue Yang decided to run him through with his Jiangzai, Xingchen wouldn't stand a chance. And then there was A-Qing to think of! Where was she? He hoped she wouldn't be back home to soon and stumble in on them... Who knew what Xue Yang would do to her...
His panicked, rambling thoughts came to a sudden hold, when he heard Xue Yang draw in a ragged breath and laugh softly. He had been laughing this whole time and Xingchen thought it had been a crazed, cruel laugh, rejoicing in Xingchen's panic and the agony he had caused him with this revelation. But now, listening to it more closely, it wasn't that at all...
It was an utterly wretched and broken sound that came from where Cheng... Xue Yang was still sitting, not having moved even an inch toward him, to aprehend him or hurt him or kill him. It was a laugh only cruel in the way that it was aimed at Xue Yang himself instead of Xiao Xingchen, at the irony of that revelation causing exactly that which Xue Yang had feared...
“Do you really love me?” – “Yes! I will always love you, no matter what! Nothing would make me stop loving you!"
Xingchen's heart clenched. Their whole conversation replaying in his head once more. Now all of it finally making sense. Why Xue Yang had asked, had been so adamant to get him to truthfully confess his love. Why he had started sobbing so inconsolably. Xingchen soon found himself burying his head in his hand and starting to cry as well, a wail of agony ripped from his throat.
Suddenly, but tentatively, hands came down on his shoulders, just barely touching him, only enough to pull him forwards. And then his head was pulled onto a chest, arms wrapping around him, a hand stroking the back of his head, a chin lightly resting on the top of his head.
At first he flinched, wanting to scramble away again, but then his body just relaxed, all but collapsing against the other.
He didn't know why. Maybe he was lulled in by the familarity of the scent of that body and the embrace, the strong hands holding him close, as if to press their bodies together and become one, to keep him secure and steady him. The kind of hug he was used to receiving after he woke from nightmares...
The irony of it becoming aparent now all of a sudden... That the one causing him nightmares had all this time also been the one soothing him after... was soothing him now...
I told you nothing would make me stop loving you!
I've come to know you as a genuinely caring and gentle person! There's kindness and good in you!
I've been clear about not caring about your past, as the state of you now is what defines you to me.
But even if there's something you have done before staying here with us... with me... I don't believe that it's anything that makes you despicable...
Xingchen started laughing. Now it was his turn to turn to sound a little manic and crazed. But soon after even harsher sobs were raking his body, pulling his insides painfully together, making his lungs constrict and breathing become difficult and almost unbearable. Throughout it all, Xue Yang held him, continued to stroke his hair, his shoulders and arms, pressing his cheek against the top of his head, mumbling, almost incoherently, a litany of I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry...
For what exactly, Xingchen didn't know. Whether only for telling him the truth and shattering their little blissful bubble. Or whether he was apologizing for all that he had done to Xingchen and all the other people he had hurt, maimed and killed beforehand...
He couldn't bring himself to ask either. Fearing that either he would be disappointed by Xue Yang being unrepentent of his past crimes, only apologizing for the here and now, or being torn even further apart by the knowledge that even if Xue Yang suddenly felt repentant and did regret his past actions, it would still not change any of it or make it right again...
Why Xue Yang... Why...? his mind screamed, he didn't even realize he had spoken it aloud.
“I don't know, Daozhang... I just know that in these three years, I did grow to love you...”
“But how... why... why did you even stay? Why didn't you...” say anything? Of course that was a stupid question to ask. Obviously he would have not told him who he was, knowing that Xingchen would have either killed him on the spot or taken him to another clan again to face punishment...
“Daozhang... Xiao Xingchen... When you found me... I was badly wounded, do you remember? I would have died if it wasn't for you... I wasn't exactly able to go anywhere else or fight you, even if I wanted to... Besides... I asked you why you didn't want to know my name, remember? You told me that it didn't matter... Again and again you told me it was fine to not talk about who I was or had been...” Xue Yang sighed, recalling that bit, “Honestly, Daozhang... how stupid and naïve of you! With that attitude any stranger could have easily killed you...”
“Why didn't you kill me then?” he scoffed in reply.
“To tell the truth? It wouldn't have been as satisfying to just kill you... It was more fun... to at first... play along a bit... The idea that you had saved me, were helping me and playing house with me, being none the wiser of just who you had invited into your home! It was hilarious and I really planned to use that to my advantage, deceive you and eventually reveal myself to you and see you break...”
Xiao Xingchen's heart was beating fast, listening to Xue Yang explain all this all matter of factly, a slight tinge of excitement in his voice, as if he still found that idea alluring. He remembered then the first few months of their cohabitation...
Now, it all was suddenly taking on a new meaning... that the stranger had been rather quiet, keeping his distance, that A-Qing had often been uncomfortable, telling him to get rid of the stranger soon, complaints which Xiao Xingchen had discarded as he didn't think the man a danger and believed he would leave them soon enough after healing properly...
Chengmei sighed, ripping him out of his churning thoughts: “But at some point... I don't know when exactly... Deceiving you... It stopped being fun... I didn't want to go through with my original plan anymore... Didn't want to see you break and destroy this... I found myself actually, genuinely enjoying your company... liked living with you... and A-Qing too, I guess... I grew to appreciate this life... It was something I never had you know? A home... a place to sleep soundly, without having to constantly be on guard for someone to kill me... Someone taking care of me, laughing at my jokes, actually enjoying listening and talking to me... It was... nice...”
You're just so fucking perfect and... the best thing that ever happened to me... and I... love you... so damn much... and I don't want to ruin it... this... What we have... I don't want it to end... Please don't forget that I loved you Xiao Xingchen... I really did...
“But... why tell me now? It was the perfect lie... I never suspected... I never would have known... Why did you suddenly decide to come clean?” " Xiao Xingchen asked, confused and at a loss and also suspocious whether this was actually still some kind of ploy no matter how genuine he perceived Xue Yang's pain and confession to be...
“Because I didn't want to live this lie any more!" Xue Yang ground out, now sounding rather self-deprecating and exasperated with himself, "I... Well, everything was just perfect... but it irked me that it wasn't really real... All of it was build on me being Chengmei... And I grew to hate being called by that name... I hated it that, while everything else was real enough, this name would again and again show me that this was all essentially an illusion... But I wanted... I needed it to be real... I wanted you to call me not by my courtsey name, but by my real name... Xue Yang...”
Xiao Xignchen was struck into speechlesness at the raw honesty of Xue Yang. Remembering everything, all the small details of his past he had let slip through the cracks of his fake persona... That he had been an orphan, without family nor home, no one to care for him, had had to do things Xingchen wouldn't approve of, simply to survive, that he must have been doing something bad or pissed of some powerful people to end up half-dead where Xingchen found him...
How at only seven he had been bitterly deceived and abused by someone that had promised him kindness... Suddenly saw before him that little boy losing his innocence, his trust, his belief in kindness, learning the world to be a cruel place and retaliating by being cruel in return... When all he had ever wanted and needed was a home, someone to actually care for him and love him... unconditionally... without ulterior motives...
“How pathetic, right? Of course, I knew that this was such a stupid thing to want, knowing what that name meant and signified to you... I knew that once you realized that I was Xue Yang all this would come to an end... For how could you truly love me afterwards? How could you still see Chengmei in me when you hated Xue Yang so much...”
Xiao Xingchen flinched. He knew Xue Yang was right, couldn't refute that his name did send shivers of fear down his spine, while Chengmei evoked pleasant tingles... Xingchen didn't know whether he could reconcile it with himself that these two people were and always had been one and the same... Xue Yang being Chengmei, Chengmei being Xue Yang... A gentler version... a version he could have been in another reality maybe...
Xue Yang sighed, it sounded so very tired and despondent: “I guess, in the end, I actually fooled myself into believing that maybe your love for Chengmei would be stronger than your hatred for Xue Yang... That it would all somehow work out after all... And these lies... they were beginning to weigh on me... sooner or later I would have been crushed by them, would have slipped and revealed myself by accident... This way, at least, I could tell you on my terms... and, also, I guess, in the end, I loved you too much to keep you in the dark any longer...”
He had finished and heavy silence followed. The only sound their ragged breathing, chocked by tears and emotions too raw to put into words.
Xingchen didn't know how long they were sitting there, Chengmei... no Xue Yang – he reminded himself – still holding him close, fingers buried in his hair. He should have long since pushed him away and put some necessary distance between them. But his body wouldn't respond to him. He felt like he was there, in this room, inside the coffin home, and at the same time wasn't. His soul screamed and ached, but his body remained a statue. He wished he could just leave it behind, extract his soul and fly away. Didn't want to remain in this reality to deal with the revelations that had just been bared to him.
Xue Yang was the first to, thankfully, distangle himself from Xingchen and distance himself from him, what felt like an eternity later. He noticed Xue Yang staring at him, at Xingchen's suddenly frail, drained figure. It was a wonder he was even still sitting upright without the support of Xue Yang's hold on him. He felt so heavy and empty at the same time, as if, by all means, his body should have just crashed to the floor, like the invisible strings that held him up were suddenly cut...
Finally, with a sigh, Xue Yang stood up, turning to go toward the door leading outside, without another word. There he stopped and turned around to Xingchen one last time, with one hand gripping the door frame as if to steady him, as if he also rather felt like letting his body fall down and remain lying there for eternity...
“I will leave you now...” he said in a low voice, Xingchen still picked up on how strained and frail it sounded, no life remaining in the voice that had always been so full of excitement and light and laughter when talking to him, “Goodbye Daozhang... Xiao Xingchen...”
Xue Yang sighed again, a chocked, broken and defeated sound. Again, his voice had sounded so much like Chengmei and still, now that Xingchen knew the true owner of the voice, he recognized Xue Yang in between. He had always been there, his real voice slipping through, mixing with his fake voice... Subtle hints Xiao Xingchen could and should have picked up on sooner, but had been happy to discard and deny... just like the fact that Xue Yang had never let him get too close to his left hand... but still sometimes brushed him with it, giving him the opportunity to notice the missing pinky...
It had been a game of deception, which had long since grown heavy and tiresome on the man in front of him, now finally becoming so much that he had actually decided to just call his ruse and confess, knowing that it would likely lead to heartbreak and even bloodshed...
Xiao Xingchen's heart and mind ached, still overwhelmed at the crushing revelations of the past hour and the sudden shift in their shared reality and life. He could have pinned it on his mental exhaustion, the confused turmoil of feelings inside his chest... The truth of the matter however was, that he knew what he wanted, what he needed to do and what he felt was the right course of action here
So he called out to the now hurriedly retreating figure: “Xue Yang! Wait! Please... stay...!”
He heard the footsteps come to an abrupt stop outside the door, heard the sharp intake of breath, knew that the man was probably trembling where he stood, still warring with indecision whether to trust Xingchen's request or still make a run for it. Xiao Xingchen held out his hand towards where he knew Xue Yang was standing, managing to send him a small, if somewhat unsteady, gentle smile.
“Please...?” he whispered, new bloody tears running down his face. He didn't know how or why but the thought of Xue Yang (of Chengmei) suddenly leaving never to return was a worse thought... more heartbreaking... than what his revelation and telling the truth had made him feel like...
Then there was a shaky exhale of breath, footsteps retreating, approaching him, a hand – the gloved hand, missing a pinky – wrapping around his outstreched one, and then Xue Yang, again, sank onto his knees in front of Xiao Xingchen, deposited his head in Xingchen's lap, wrapping his other arm around Xingchen's waist, holding onto him tightly as he began to cry once again and Xingchen began to stroke his head and back now, like Xue Yang had done to him before, while mirrored, bloody tears slid down his own cheeks as well.
There was a lot both of them would still need to talk about. A lot of questions weighing on Xingchen's mind and heart. There was a lot he would have to sort out and come to terms with. But for now both of them needed this... This small, soothing gesture of reassurance in order to not break what they had come to build here throughout these past three years... Both silently agreeing that they didn't want it to all come crushing down...