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When Big Red says that Nini and Ricky are like extra wheels to his own perfectly-functioning unicycle, he means it. Love has never been particularly high on Red’s to-do list- hell, even having friends is a bit out of his purview most of the time. It feels like something that happens to other people, tall handsome boys with curly hair and doe eyes, cute petite girls with flowing locks and accidental British accents. The love Big Red is familiar with is at home. It’s his dad making model airplanes with him. It’s his mom making him cookies and giving him hugs and asking him if he had a good day at school. Occasionally he does get a bit lonely, but his mom always says the same thing:
‘Be kind and tell the truth, Honey, and you won’t go far wrong.’
While his dad always says:
‘You can’t win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket.’ Which makes less sense.
So he does his best. It doesn’t always work; he’s only human, but he gets through the first couple years of high school without making any enemies or causing any harm, and he may not always be happy, but he’s content.
Big Red has a pretty clear view of the world. Probably his ability to stay out of love is a part of that, or a side-effect, or something. He may not be the smartest, but he gives good advice, and keeps a level head on his shoulders, and tries to be a decent guy. When Ricky and Nina start making googly eyes at each other in ninth grade he notices, and rolls his eyes fondly, and does his best not to be weird or jealous about it. He’s never really had lasting crushes, never seen the point. Yeah, it’s nice to have someone on-call to talk to and hug and whatever but Ricky fills at least the first half of that role, and his parents are massive huggers, so he’s not convinced that there’s much he’s missing out on. Sex seems like an effort- to find, to have- and love…at least the googly-eyed kind, just doesn’t seem relevant. It causes heartache and awkwardness and weird behavior and silly voices. It’s nice and all, but it’s not for him. He prefers to live vicariously through Ricky, who has enough drama to be getting on with.
And then he joins the musical.
Not under his own steam, obviously. He’s following Ricky, as he always does, and Ricky is following Nini, as he always does. So in a weird sideways way he’s joined the musical for love, just not his. Or maybe his in a bromance-y kind of way. He does love Ricky but it doesn’t go as far as that.
Despite a rocky readthrough he finds himself starting to like the drama club. Yes, there’s the ongoing drama with Nini and Ricky and EJ, but Red isn’t really a part of that. The theatre nerds are friendly, and assume he’s a part of things even if none of them can put a finger on exactly what he does. So he takes on a role, becomes part of the crew, makes props. It’s annoying, then suddenly it’s fun. He already knew Kourtney, obviously. Carlos is kind of intimidating, but he turns out to be sweet under the bravado. Seb is upbeat and cheerful. Ashlyn is…
Ashlyn is a lot of things. Tons of things. She is so many things that it makes Red’s head hurt to try and understand how one person can have so much inside them. She sings, she dances, and he hates to say it, but she’s even a better actress than Nini. Nini’s talented and all but Ashlyn...becomes Ms Darbus. She just owns it. She’s funny and projects her voice and remembers all her lines better than any of the others apart from maybe Gina. It’s weird; offstage she doesn’t seem to make much of an impression on anyone, but when she acts it’s hard not to notice her. Red gets distracted whenever she’s performing, because she’s fun to watch, and he can’t understand how everyone else isn’t constantly complimenting her for it, and watching her, and trying to get to know her. She’s just so cool.
He realizes that if he watches closely he can see other things about her too. Things just below the surface. She may be quiet, but she’s by no means afraid to voice her opinion. She seems to go to a different club every night. He assumed at the beginning that she followed EJ around because he was like a big brother and she needed him, but as he starts to see more of their dynamic he realizes it might be the other way round. She follows EJ around because the star athlete needs her. She’s kind, and confident, looks after everybody, and yet she always seems to be slightly on the edge of things. Red can’t understand it. If he had half her charm he’d be at the center of everything.
* * *
When Ashlyn writes Wondering Big Red is one of the first people to hear about it; Ricky tells him about his weird moment with Nini and the voicemail and gets kind of emotional. Red is skeptical- the song can’t be that good, can it? He likes music, obviously, but it’s never made him cry.
But then the next rehearsal comes around and Miss Jenn plonks Ashlyn down unceremoniously on the piano stool and she takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, and he realizes this might be the first time he’s ever seen her nervous.
Ricky swiftly gets up and leaves the room when she starts to play, and Red knows he should check on his friend but his selfish side wins out. He stays and listens. It’s a great song, and her voice is incredible, but it’s the line in the chorus that hits him like a ton of bricks.
Be a little braver than I had
And bet against the odds
Would I still be lost?
Suddenly, watching Ashlyn with her eyes closed and her forehead creased in a frown of concentration, he gets it. The point of love isn’t googly eyes and silly voices and PDA, it’s finding somebody amazing and taking a chance on them, even when the odds are completely against it working out. Somehow by witnessing the depth of Ashlyn’s talent Big Red is able to feel the depth of Ricky’s pain, a sudden stab of empathy as he imagines how it feels to love a person inside and out and let them love you inside and out and suddenly find that love isn’t there anymore. How it feels to go through life not content, but aching for something, brave enough to get things wrong sometimes, to regret the things you never did.
The final chords fade, a round of applause engulfs the piano and Ashlyn looks around, stunned at the praise. She meets Red’s eyes and he looks away, partly out of embarrassment from the tears that have welled up, and partly from an irrational fear that she might blind him with her light. He leaves the room and finds Ricky in the stairwell.
‘Hey man, what’s up?’
‘I’m gonna give you a hug because you need one. That’s what’s up.’ Red says, and then he does, and Ricky lets him.
* * *
A video of Ashlyn playing gets posted to the group chat, and Big Red downloads it. For some reason, whenever he watches it (far too often), that odd ache of longing doesn’t go away. It’s as though his eyes have been opened to the idea of wanting something…else. Of having a gap inside that needs to be filled. It’s not always. Just when he watches Ashlyn sing that song.
He is in awe of her. He doesn’t get how you can just reach inside you and make a whole new thing come into existence. Especially a song that made him temporarily understand Ricky. He wonders if Ashlyn feels the same way about songwriting as he feels about dancing, like you’re being taken over by something bigger than you, like the dance has always been somewhere in the atmosphere just waiting for you to dance it.
Or maybe it didn’t come from nowhere. Maybe she really does have regrets and mistakes in her past that make her write songs that sound like they belong to a person three times her age. If she does, what are they? Has she loved someone and not had the courage to say something? Have there been things she wanted to do that she didn’t because she was scared? She doesn’t seem like she gets scared much, but he doesn’t know her that well yet…
He’s probably overthinking it.
He takes to watching the video before he goes to sleep, sometimes a few times over. At first he thinks it’s because it’s an earworm, but eventually he realizes that the song is less of an earworm than a heartworm, the lyrics burrowing in and taking root somewhere deep. After a while he gives up and accepts that being obsessed with that video of Ashlyn singing Wondering in the rehearsal room is a part of his essence now.
* * *
His admiration of Ashlyn just keeps growing. He finds out that she’s in the robotics club- the only club at school he’d ever seriously consider joining, although he doesn’t make the grade requirements for science- and that she’s kind and quirky and funny. When she sees Carlos dancing alone at Homecoming she gets up and joins him, and rather than being ridiculed for being there without dates, soon the two of them are at the center of a flash mob. He can’t put his finger on the moment he became friends with her. One day they’re just acquaintances, the next it’s not weird for him to go over and initiate conversations or sit next to her at lunch. He leaps at the chance to help her set up her Thanksgiving party. She makes a quip about him throwing a basketball at her face, and he says
‘The only think I’d throw at your face is a brighter spotlight, because I like the way you sing.’ He says it because it’s true, and because they’re friends now so he doesn’t feel weird about saying it. He notices during the evening that she seems to spend more time talking to him than anyone else, and he guesses that means they’re good friends now. Since they’re good friends, and because he feels like he can never get tired of her company, and because it’s a nice thing to do, he stays behind to help her clean up. He says that he hopes Gina is okay after her phone call, and Ashlyn looks at him thoughtfully and says
‘That’s sort of always what you do isn’t it? Take care of everyone else.’ And he blushes and shrugs it off because he isn’t sure if that’s true or not. As he turns away he finds the piano.
‘Hey, is this where you wrote that thing?’
‘What thing?’
‘That Sara Barellies song, the one about regrets?’ She stares at him, and for a moment he’s worried he’s done something wrong.
‘Okay, did somebody tell you to say that? Because that’s all I’ve wanted to hear my entire life.’
‘Well you know, her songs come up on shuffle a lot and I just thought it sounded similar. You know, with the notes.’ He says, backtracking a little, shrugging because his opinion isn’t that important and he doesn’t know that much about music anyway.
‘Yeah, the notes.’ She agrees, still looking into his eyes, her expression somewhere between thoughtful and amused. Red feels something stir deep inside, the start of that familiar ache that he gets when he hears her sing, and he doesn’t think she wants to see that so he starts to make his excuses. She hands him the lobster dip and wishes him a happy Thanksgiving. He leaves, feeling weirdly joyful and skittish, and doesn’t stop grinning all the way home.
* * *
When he gets in the door his mom is, surprisingly, awake.
‘Hey Honey. You’re in a good mood.’
‘Scored some dip.’ He says, holding the bowl aloft.
‘That’s not a scored-some-dip smile.’ His mom says with a knowing look, although Red can’t work out what she thinks she knows. ‘Who was there?’ Red lists the names of the people, people his mom knows about because the novelty of being around them has been too much for him to keep them secret. He’s been filling her in on everyone, all the dramas, all his little observations, and now he tells her everything about the night, about Gina’s phone call, and Ashlyn being on his team in the board game, and then he grins even wider remembering them trying to rap ‘what I’ve been looking for’ to the beat of ‘getcha head in the game.’
‘Ashlyn sounds like a nice girl. Maybe you should bring her round sometime.’
‘Maybe I’ll bring everyone round sometime.’ Red says, and for once it doesn’t sound like such a far-fetched idea.
‘Has she written any more songs?’
‘I don’t know, she hasn’t said. But she did say this one thing that was kinda funny-’ and he starts telling his mom about what Ashlyn said, and all the funny things she’s said recently. Since Ashlyn is easily the most interesting person Big Red knows he keeps talking, until he looks at the clock and realizes fifteen minutes have gone by, and his mom is leaning against the oven with her arms folded and that knowing smile still on her face. ‘I…um. So yeah. That was my evening, I’mma crash now, night!’ he says, and bolts down to his basement and flops on his bed and stares at the ceiling, trying to understand what the hell is happening inside his heart.
He still feels joyful and hyper, but then he thinks of her singing again, and the ache starts. It’s too big to put a name to, too deep to get hold of so he can hold it to the light and take a proper look. He just…wants.
* * *
Big Red hasn’t always been happy, but he’s managed to be content. He has a friend or two, a good home life, the pizza place, his tap shoes. Life is good. But now…he feels happy. He’s sure it’s happiness. He keeps grinning and feeling excited about school and rehearsals. He has friends. He has Ashlyn…
Except that he doesn’t. He used to be content but not always happy. Now he’s happy but he isn’t content. That ache is still there, and it feels like every time Ashlyn does or says something cool or nails a scene or sings a song it gets a little sharper.
* * *
He always enjoyed tap. It’s a fun way to unwind, to get his heart rate up without having to join a sports team. On days when he’s done badly on a test or he’s feeling a bit lonely it’s a way to cheer himself up, to remind himself that he has something he’s good at. He doesn’t do it for performance purposes, it just makes him happy. Now, though, it feels less like a fun activity than a need, a hunger. He taps to drive out the ache.
Perhaps it’s just jealousy? Ashlyn is so driven, so ambitious, so talented. Maybe Big Red had more ambition than he thought he did, and she’s triggered this need to prove himself. And yet the idea of performing, of being admired and applauded doesn’t really fill the hole in his heart. He doesn’t want what she has. He wants…
He wants.
* * *
It starts to fall into place when she seeks him out in the wings of the haunted theatre, when he is staring at the lighting mechanisms with a growing sense of panic.
‘I just don’t know how to make things light up.’
‘You walk into a room?’ she suggests, and it’s not flirting really, more of a joke, because they’re friends. He laughs, and blushes a little, and when she puts her hand on his shoulder and says ‘You got this’, her voice full of confidence and fondness, the ache disappears. He feels the same glow of breathless satisfaction as he does when he nails a particularly difficult dance routine.
* * *
He’s nervous when Opening Night rolls around, but he figures that it’s easier to deal with the nerves by channeling the energy into the people around him, and he decides that Ashlyn needs that energy most of all. No one else seems willing to notice her, so he goes to the florist downtown and picks out an obscenely big flower arrangement. It’s a huge bunch of flowers, but Ashlyn has a huge talent and a huge personality, and Big Red’s feelings of admiration and pride at being her friend are huge too. It feels like the right thing to do. It’s true, and his mom always says you can’t go too far wrong if you’re honest. The ache is still nagging away, telling him that it’s not just admiration, that just being a supportive friend isn’t enough, but he isn’t quite ready to be that honest yet.
It takes him a while to come up with the words for the card, but then he remembers what she said that night at the party.
That’s sort of what you do, isn’t it? Take care of everyone else.
And he realises that in this moment, at least, it’s true. She knows he takes care of everyone, notices him. So, he wants to take care of her, and make her feel noticed.
‘To Ashlyn.’ He writes. ‘Because you get me.’
* * *
‘Any pearls of encouragement?’ she asks, her eyes sparkling behind her Ms Darbus glasses, and she looks so radiant and confident and awesome that all he can think of to say is
‘Just be you, Ashlyn. You’re enough.’ Because it’s true. She shifts forward with her arm raised, so he high-fives her and goes to set up the lights.
* * *
He gets to put a spotlight on her for her solo, and grins through the whole song, with pride, with admiration, with affection, with friendship, with…
The ache. Still there. Tonight is the sharpest it’s ever been. He thought it might be, so he brought his tap shoes in his bag in case it gets so much that he suddenly has to burst out dancing.
* * *
After the show, Carlos finds the card and reads it out. At first Ashlyn assumes it was EJ.
‘I didn’t write that.’ EJ snorts, and Big Red stands up.
‘I did.’ He says, and he doesn’t feel nervous about it, or ashamed, because he knows it was the right thing to do, the right thing to say. It’s true, and the feelings of pride and admiration and affection are true too so he lets them shine in his eyes, lets himself grin. Ashlyn doesn’t smile. She looks a little startled, like she isn’t sure what to do with the information. Kourtney tells the cast to go out to their parents and suddenly everyone’s gone. Big Red is a little disappointed by her reaction. He just wanted to make her happy. He picks up the flowers and heads out to where the group is milling around. Ashlyn smiles at him, still a little confused, a little uncertain.
‘I was gonna come back for those, I swear.’ She says, and he shrugs as well as he is able with the flowers in his arms. The conversation carries on around him, but he continues to stand next to her, and she doesn’t leave, which he takes to be a sign that he hasn’t freaked her out too much.
People start leaving to head to Ashlyn’s house, so she takes her flowers and says an awkward ‘see you in a minute…and thanks for these’, and the ache is suddenly back. He smiles and shrugs awkwardly and turns on his heel to head back into the gym.Once there, safe in the dark, he puts on his tap shoes and starts dancing.
He can’t help but smile at the illicit feeling of it, at the sound of his taps echoing in a way that they never do in his basement, at the fact that he's getting away with it. He nails every step, and for a moment the ache is gone and he’s not Big Red or anyone. He’s just feet and shoes and rhythm.
He finishes with a spin, and because he can he sets off the confetti cannon again. He makes his own cheers, pretending that he is the one onstage, laughing with joy and relief and…
Oh.
He sees Ashlyn and his smile drops. In the moonlight the confetti looks like rose petals. Her face is pale, her eyes shining, and he aches again.
‘Wow.’ She says. She sounds awed and breathless. His heartrate picks up at the thought that he might have been the one to cause it. ‘I have a lot of questions.’ She adds, and he isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry, to despair or hope, what to hope for.
She strides towards him, drops the flowers to one side, takes his face in her hands, and some instinct he didn’t know he had takes over, and her mouth is soft but firm beneath his, and suddenly the ache is gone and the hole she opened up inside him is overflowing and he understands. He understands that the ache wasn’t admiration or jealousy, but longing; not just to know Ashlyn but to matter to her. He understands that when somebody wonderful sees you and thinks you’re special, it’s almost enough to make you burst into song in the middle of the street. Or burst out dancing in his case. He understands why the line about being brave against the odds got to him.
‘I’m sorry.’ He says, as they break apart and giggle nervously. She runs a thumb over his cheek.
‘What for?’
‘For not being brave enough to admit that I wanted this. To either of us. I never really think about this kind of thing happening to…well… me.’
‘I was kind of getting mixed signals.’ She admits, looking at him with that same thoughtful smile that made his heart turn over at the Thanksgiving party. ‘Are you sure you want this? I kind of threw myself at you just then.’
‘I want this. God, I want this.’ He murmurs, and tilts his head back towards hers…
‘Big Red, are you in here, honey?’ his mom calls out, and the two teens leap apart.
‘Uh, hey mom.’ He says, his tone upbeat and entirely unconvincing. ‘This is Ashlyn. She’s throwing an after party tonight, can I go?’
‘Nice to meet you, Mrs Redonovich.’
‘You too Ashlyn, I’ve heard so much about you. Sorry honey, I know you wanted to go with your new friends but I’ve just had a call, two of the guys at Slices are off with food poisoning so it’s all hands on deck.’
‘Oh.’ Beside him, Ashlyn is already shifting, going to pick up her flowers, a small smile on her face. ‘Well…’ he begins, then hesitates, and she takes pity on him with a fond shake of her head.
‘Facetime tomorrow?’ she suggests.
‘Yeah.’ He agrees, and she leaves, ducking her head with a shy smile as she passes Big Red’s mom, who waits until the girl is gone before turning back to her son with folded arms and a raised eyebrow.
‘Dare I ask what I just walked in on?’ she asks. He shrugs, unable to hide the stupid grin on his face.
‘I think I just won the lottery without buying a ticket. Or…maybe I bought the ticket ages ago and didn’t know it.’
‘Am I supposed to know what that means?’
‘No, not really.’