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Exhausted. That’s the only way to describe how Changbin felt right now.
Exhaustion clung to every part of his being, pulling down the already dark bags under his eyes, digging into his worn muscles that continued to drag him through his minuscule 6th floor flat and constricting around his tired, aching heart.
Every aspect of his being screamed at him to just lie down and sleep right there on the cold lino floor under his socked feet, but he carried on towards the bright yellow door just in front of him. Slowly turning the handle, wincing at the squeak coming from the slightly rusted hinges, mentally adding WK40 to the mental shopping list for the next time he got paid, the warm glow of the light above him bathes the floor of the small bedroom.
He steps in quickly and turns around to shut the door as quietly as possible, plunging the room back into darkness, except for the small dinosaur nightlight casting dark green shadows against the shut door. Turning back, he moves gently towards the bed, stepping over the train set that he knows will have been left just to the right of the small set of drawers next to the door. He’d have to remind Hyunjin to make sure to put it away the next time they babysit.
Looking down at the ruffled, blue dinosaur bedsheets ( “bwachiosauwuses and dipwodocuses!” he remembers the excited shouts he’d received as soon as he’d put the sheets on this morning) , there lies the reason why he can push the exhaustion deep down until it’s nothing but a small ache in the depth of his chest.
His pride and joy. His angel.
Jeongin had just turned 4, and from the second Changbin had laid eyes on him, wrapped in the soft, white hospital blanket, Changbin had fallen in love.
-------
He and the mother were never supposed to work. Best friends since birth, he had come out as gay after the only time they had drunkenly slept together, and she came out as pregnant 4 weeks later. They were by no means too young, Changbin being 21 at the time whilst she was 23, but she had still turned to him one quiet night and professed how she didn’t feel ready to raise a child.
The first crack in Changbin’s heart appeared that night as he looked up to the ceiling and pushed back the creeping thoughts of how good he would be as a father, turning to tell her whatever she decided to do, he would support her as her best friend.
That’s how they ended up in the delivery room 8 and a half months later, Changbin squeezing her hand as she screamed how much she blamed him for the pain she was going through. He could only wince as he felt her nails break the skin of his palm, choosing to stay quiet and instead focus on wiping the sweat from her forehead.
2 gruelling hours later, and many more insults being thrown Changbin’s way, there was silence for the first time.
Then a small cry.
She had refused to hold the baby, not wanting to risk bonding with it since it was no longer her responsibility. The doctors had turned towards Changbin, and for the first time in a long time, he felt whole. The baby was pressed into his arms and almond eyes looked into his, a small band-aid fixing itself across the crack in Changbin’s heart.
She and Changbin had stayed friends afterwards. Oftentimes she would offer to babysit whilst Changbin had interview after interview to try and find a job that accommodated his single parent lifestyle. He sometimes hoped during these babysitting gigs that she would feel some ounce of motherly love towards the baby, but whenever he returned from another failed interview she simply handed him back to Changbin and carried on with her life.
------
He felt like a failure. As both a father and in general, a human being.
Stood still in the frozen aisle, watching his toddler scream at the top of his lungs as he writhed around on the floor. All because Changbin wouldn’t buy him strawberry popsicles. Changbin could hear all the whispered insults as people walked around the scene, small mutters of how lousy his parenting must be, how much of a nightmare Jeongin must be to raise, how it was cruel for the child to deal with an obviously useless single father.
Changbin could feel his eyes burn with unshed tears, the ever-present sting growing with every wail from Jeongin’s lips. The aisle had long since emptied, everyone wanting to avoid the problem child with the hopeless dad.
CRACK! Another fault line appeared across Changbin’s battered and bruised heart.
[You raised him like this. You caused this. What kind of dad won’t buy his son popsicles? What kind of dad is worried that he won’t have enough money to spend a measly 2000 won on a box of strawberry flavoured popsicles? You’re useless. Pathetic. No wonder she didn’t want any part of this. Imagine having to raise a kid with someone like you? Stupid, worthless, incompetent you. Poor Jeongin. He could have been so happy with another family. An actual family who would give him everything he wanted. Every flavour of popsicle, every new toy in the stores, every stuffed animal from the claw machines. But you had to be selfish, didn’t you? You and your pathetic inferiority complex. Wanting to prove that you could raise a child all alone, that you could make something of yourself. Now, look what happened. You’re ruining his life.
Shut up. Shut UP. SHUT UP!]
The voices in his head slinked back to their dark caves, leaving him heaving slightly as he revels in the new silence.
Wait, silence?
Changbin’s eyes snapped open, not even aware he had closed them in the first place. Jeongin was still there. Right in front of him. But now he was happily suckling on a red popsicle, eyes closed like little half-moons. Where had he got the popsicle from?
Changbin’s eyes now registered the pair of polished, black work shoes that stood next to his son, working his eyes up past the tailored black suit legs, past the snug-fitting suit jacket, up to the strangers extremely handsome face. In one hand, he had an opened box of popsicles and the other held the wrapper to the popsicle currently spread half across Jeongin’s lower face.
The stranger turned to face Changbin, face settled into a half-smile as he takes a step closer, pocketing the wrapper from the popsicle and raising a hand out towards Changbin.
“Hey, I hope you don’t mind. I wouldn’t have been able to eat them all myself.”
Changbin’s mind barely registered the voice, reaching to grasp the stranger’s outstretched hand. The stranger pulled him up with ease, and that’s when Changbin realised that he had been sitting on the sticky shop floor. He really needed to see someone about these panic attacks he’d been having recently, but that cost money which is not something Changbin had in abundance right now.
Brushing off the dust from the back of his pants, Changbin cleared his throat lightly before nodding at the stranger. Now that they were at the same height (Changbin bitterly remembers the fact he’s wearing platform shoes today which means this man has a good 2-3 inches over his normal height) , Changbin was able to take a good look at the stranger’s face.
Slightly damaged, blonde hair expertly slicked back with the exception of a few unruly strands that hung over strong, sculpted eyebrows. Broad nose, shaded ever so slightly with contour to look smaller down the bridge. Full, pink lips with a pronounced cupid’s bow were still spread in a soft, welcoming smile. Two small dimples pressing into soft-looking pale cheeks. Brown rimmed tear-shaped eyes whose warm brown irises, hidden behind blue contacts, were staring back into his.
This man had watched Changbin very blatantly check him out and yet he didn’t look disgusted. He looked more... interested.
[You still haven’t said anything.
Yeah, thanks brain I know.]
“Uh…”
[Wow. So eloquent.
Shut up brain.]
“Thanks?”
[Why are you saying it like it’s a question?
Hmph.]
Changbin steps towards his son, who is now holding an empty popsicle stick. Grimacing at the sticky, red liquid now covering Jeongin’s cheeks, lips, white tyrannosaurus rex shirt (yeah, that’s never gonna come out) , and the tiny chubby hands that were reaching for him, Changbin goes to lift his son back into the shopping cart’s seat. Before Jeongin’s hands can latch onto his arms, a hand holding a white handkerchief darts in front of Changbin.
He looks back at the stranger who continues with that same smile (it’s getting a little creepy now) before taking the handkerchief from him. Wiping Jeongin’s face and hands, he looks at the now red-stained handkerchief, the gold embroidered B.C. staring back at him (it’s monogrammed… and I just used it to wipe my kid’s dirty popsicle face…) before looking up at the stranger.
“Um, I can wash this and try to get the stain out, if you’d like?”
Did he have any more white clothes that needed washing to do when he gets home? There are the two white work shirts, and now Jeongin’s dinosaur shirt, but other than that he only had black clothes that lay in the laundry hamper. The launderette charges 5000won for a wash and another 5500won for a spin cycle, that’s 10500won.
Ok, if Changbin puts the two 5 packs of ramen he’d put in his cart back, he can afford to do an extra wash this week. He’ll just have to not eat 3 days this week, but he’s put on a little weight due to the free food from his newest job so he should be alright if he happens to lose some pounds.
The stranger just shakes his head lightly before taking the handkerchief back and putting it into the same pocket as the popsicle wrapper.
“Don’t worry about it! I have a ton of these lying around, my mum says they make my outfits look fancy.”
The stranger chuckles lightly, scratching the back of his neck and if Changbin looks carefully, he can see a soft blush shading the tops of the strangers’ cheeks. The strangers’ eyes widen in some form of realisation, stretching his hand out once more.
“I forgot to say! My name’s Chan, Bang Chan. You should probably know my name since I’ve just fed your kid like 200 different E numbers.”
Changbin reaches forward to shake the strangers’ hand, trying to ignore the warmth radiating from his palm.
“Hi, I’m Seo Changbin. That little terror over there is my kid, Jeongin. I’m so sorry about your popsicles, I’ll pay for them. Also, I’m sorry about your handkerchief. Oh, and I’m sorry about his screaming, I guess he’s just really passionate about popsicles…”
Chan laughs brightly before withdrawing his hand. Changbin already misses the warmth.
“It’s ok! As I said, I won’t be able to eat all of them so your kid did me a favour. Please don’t apologise, he’s a kid, they scream, it happens you know.”
[I’m in love with you.
Don’t be that kind of gay. You just met him.]
During this exchange, Jeongin had stood up and moved over towards Changbin, clutching his ripped jeans with his little ravioli sized fist. Changbin quickly reached down to hoist Jeongin up, jutting his hip out slightly to rest the boy there.
“Jeongin, say thank you to the nice man for the popsicle and the handkerchief.”
Jeongin blinked up at Chan, innocent eyes and full pout on display as he leaned forward in Changbin’s arms to enthusiastically pat Chan’s suit sleeve.
“Fank you, Mr Man, for de popsicle and de… de… hankeechif!”
Jeongin looks back at his dad for approval, Changbin nodding his head softly before pressing a kiss to the boy’s forehead. Jeongin wiggles lightly in joy as Changbin moves him into the cart seat and presses another kiss to Jeongin’s head to pull another excited wiggle from the boy, his smile brightening at the sight of his son so happy.
“Um, I’m just about to check out if you want to walk together? Unless you have more shopping to do?”
Chan’s voice startles him as he turns back to face the man. He’d just assumed Chan would walk off, not used to people choosing to wait around for him and his son.
“Um, no. I think that was everything. Ready to go bubba?”
Directing the last question at Jeongin, who nods his head quickly, the two men begin walking to the check out desks. Changbin spent this quiet time totalling everything in his head, double and triple-checking he would have enough money to pay for everything. Since the boiler had broken last week, Changbin had to use most of his shopping money to fix that, leaving him with only 15,000won for groceries.
Chan had gone first through check out, his basket full of expensive cuts of steak and wine that was so far out of Changbin’s price range, he didn’t even bother to try and guess how much it would cost.
Next up was Changbin, whose own shopping cart contained mostly alphabetti spaghetti, instant ramen, the odd bit of fruit and this one specific brand of sausages that Jeongin would ask for every day. As the cashier was scanning the items and Chan had captured Jeongin’s interest with a game of peekaboo, Changbin’s mind wandered again.
[I bet he thinks you’re a horrible father. No fresh vegetables. Only tinned food. He’s probably only hanging around to make sure Jeongin has some kind of food to eat at home. You literally had a breakdown and left him crying in the supermarket. Anyone could have taken him and you wouldn’t have known, too wrapped up in your own self-pity to realise your own son was being taken. He would be such a better father for Jeongin. Look at what he’s buying. That wine is probably worth your monthly rent. Pathetic.]
The sound of the card machine beeping pulls Changbin from his spiral into self-deprivation and he looks up to see Chan putting his credit card away. Did Chan just pay for his food? Looking at the cart, the food was already bagged up and Chan was tugging at Changbin’s arm lightly as he pushed the cart with the other hand, Jeongin playing with the gold rings on Chan’s middle and ring finger.
As soon as they got outside, Changbin stopped in his tracks.
“Why did you pay for me?”
He tried to stop his voice from wavering but it was there, just enough of a falter to prevent any form of bravado he could have.
“The cashier asked you twice if you were ready to pay but you weren’t answering. It’s nothing really, I have too much money, I don’t mind spending it on you two.”
The phrase “too much money” sent bristles up Changbin’s spine.
[We get it, you’re rich and I’m poor, no need to rub it in.
He didn’t mean it that way.]
Rolling his shoulders to lessen the tightness spread across his back, Changbin reached forward to pull the cart from Chan’s grasp.
This is where they parted.
Chan in his, no doubt, big fancy car, and Changbin, struggling to juggle 3 shopping bags and a hyper-active 4-year-old on the bus.
“Which car is yours? I’ll walk you there.”
Humiliation settled down the ridges of Changbin’s spine as he nods his head towards the bus stop just outside the front of the supermarket. Chan’s eyes widen a little before his features school into one of consideration.
“If you like, I could drive you guys home? It saves you having to try and keep hold of the bags and Jeongin?”
[He thinks you’re incompetent.
You’re annoying.
Mature.]
“It’s ok. Jeongin’s used to taking the bus now. He doesn’t even try and walk over to strangers anymore.”
[Why did you say that? Now he’ll think you’re an even worse father.
Shut up. I wasn’t thinking.]
“Please, for my own peace of mind. Let me drive you both home.”
Changbin assents much quicker than he would be willing to admit. Just as they reach Chan’s, as expected, big fancy car, Changbin quickly realises they don’t have a car seat for Jeongin. As he’s about to voice this thought to Chan, the back door opens to reveal a sturdy, and very expensive, car seat.
Did Chan have kids of his own?
[That’s probably why he took an interest in you. Told you he’d be a better father.
God, can you give it a rest for a minute?
Sorry.]
“Sometimes I take care of my niece, she’s around the same age as Jeongin.”
Providing an answer to a question Changbin hadn’t even asked, Chan began to load both of their shopping into the boot whilst Changbin worked on getting Jeognin into the car seat. He’s never had to use one of these, they’d only ever taken the bus or the subway.
Angrily blowing his fringe off of his forehead, he tries to fix the front buckle again, groaning as it pushes out the side buckles. Chan carefully pulls him back before slotting everything into place, booping Jeongin on the nose, and pushing the car door shut.
Both adults settle into the front seats and Chan sets off towards Changbin’s home, guided by the gentle whispers from the man himself.
The journey only took about 5 minutes, compared to the usual 20 on the bus, and by the time Chan pulls up outside the derelict looking building, Jeongin is fast asleep in the backseat.
Changbin gets out to unbuckle Jeongin, scooping him up so he rests against his chest completely fast asleep still. Chan had gotten out to open the boot and pull out Changbin’s shopping bags.
“I can help you bring them in if that’s ok with you?”
In reality, Changbin should have been a lot more careful about who he invited into his home but Chan had already done so much for him, he already trusted him.
[Foolish. Utterly foolish.
Oh, so do you want to come and help me carry a sleeping toddler and a bunch of shopping bags?
I can’t help you. I am you.
Shut up.]
They climb the 6 flights of stairs up to Changbin’s apartment, who apologises repeatedly because, of course, the elevator had broken whilst he had been out. Chan shook every apology off goodheartedly, claiming he needed the exercise.
Changbin didn’t believe him.
From what he’d seen, Chan was in extremely good shape.
As Changbin pushed the front door open after his shaking fingers had managed to input the code incorrectly 3 times, he realised he hadn’t had time to clean before he had bundled Jeongin up into his arms and headed for the bus stop earlier today.
Cringing as he eyes the mess in the small combined living room and kitchenette, he walks towards the bright, yellow door to lay Jeongin down. This wasn’t his usual nap time, but Changbin was just glad that it was silent.
Before he could leave, Jeongin’s eyes open blearily and he looks up at Changbin.
“Daddy, I wan’ kisses.”
Who was Changbin to deny his son’s request? Leaning forward, he presses kisses to Jeongin’s forehead, both eyelids, the tip of his nose and his right cheek. It was a ritual they did before every nap and bedtime, Jeongin demanding and Changbin giving so, so easily.
“Channie too.”
Changbin’s breath caught in his throat. Jeongin had only just met Chan. Does he trust Chan this much to allow him into something so special to the two of them? Jeongin shuffled before looking up at his dad with big, pleading eyes.
God, he was such a weak man.
“Ok, baby. Give me a second to go get him.”
Brushing Jeongin’s hair off of his forehead, he walks back to the kitchen. Chan stands there, a little unsure, the shopping bags placed on the counter.
“He, uh, he wants you to say goodbye.”
Chan looks surprised briefly, and Changbin can see happiness settle in the smile lines by Chan’s eyes. He leads Chan back to the bedroom, pushing on the yellow door slightly. Chan walks over to Jeongin’s bedside and kneels down, whilst Changbin stays by the door.
“Bye-bye Jeongin. Have a good nap, ok?”
Jeongin pulls a hand from under the bedsheets and places it on top of Chan’s, pressed against the edge of the bed.
“Gib kissy.”
Chan looks nervously back at Changbin, who nods slightly. He trusts Chan. More than he should.
“Ok, Innie.”
Chan presses a kiss to Jeongin’s left cheek and just like that, Jeongin is fast asleep.
Changbin pushes down the thought that Chan’s kiss completed their ritual.
The adults retire to the kitchenette, Changbin expertly weaving through the toys strewn across the floor.
“I swear the flat isn’t normally this messy. Hyunjin was over and I swear they get pleasure from leaving a mess for me in the evening.”
Chan shrugs before beginning to help Changbin unpack the shopping. Why hasn’t he left yet? There’s nothing else for him to do here?
[Now you’re just two complete strangers standing alone in a gross flat. You don’t thi-
No, I don’t. You’re too paranoid.
For good reason.]
“So… Hyunjin? Are they your boyfriend? Or partner, should I say.”
“God no. Pray they aren’t able to hear you from across the city. Hyunjin and Jisung are my best friends from school. And they are partners. I’m single, always have been.”
[Why are you telling him that? He didn’t ask.
Shut up and let me be gay for 2 seconds.]
“Oh, so how did Jeong- wait sorry that’s probably super invasive. Please ignore that. I’m sorry.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. Me and my other best friend, female this time, got drunk on too much Jack Daniels and slept together once. I surprised her the next day by telling her I’m gay, but I guess she won when she surprised me a month later by telling me she was pregnant. Guess we forgot to use protection. She decided she didn’t want to raise Jeongin, but I wanted to. So I got sole custody and she got a fancy pad on the other side of Seoul. We still have bi-yearly brunches. She and her girlfriend are happy. They have a dog together. That’s about as far as her motherly instincts go.”
[Damn, talk about a trauma dump.
He asked.]
“Did you two never consider trying to raise him together? Like a co-parenting situation?”
“She never bonded with him. I was the first and only one to hold him. I changed his first nappy. I stayed up every night to give him hourly feeds. I was his mother and father rolled up into one. Still am I suppose. I don’t blame her if that’s what you’re thinking. I know I looked like an incompetent parent back there but it’s just been a difficult week. Normally, he’s ever so good. You just caught us at a bad time.”
Chan makes an affronted sound. Changbin looks at him for the first time since their chat began and there it is. Clear as day in his eyes.
Pity.
If there’s one thing that Changbin hated more than people thinking he was a bad father, it was people pitying him for it.
“I never thought you were a bad parent. You’re a single father raising a child. It’s hard. Don’t beat yourself up about one blip. Jeongin loves you so much. You should see the way he looks at you when you’re doing something. I swear you could fit a whole galaxy in his eyes. A bad parent can’t make their child feel that much love. And your shopping bags are full of things for him unless you’re the one who likes to eat ‘Happy Ocean Octopus Sausages’.”
A chuckle slips from Changbin’s lips. He did sometimes steal a bite if Jeongin decides he’s too full.
“You can feel the pure, unadulterated adoration between you and Jeongin and no one could ever try to tell me you are a bad parent. Not even you, yourself. So stop beating yourself up in your head. You’re doing the best you can, which is so much more than some other parents could say about themselves. You’re doing a good job, Changbin.”
The tears from earlier came hurtling back. Before he could even stop it, a sob spills from his lips and he can feel his insides squeeze tight as he stands in his kitchenette, opposite a stranger, sobbing as if he’d just lost everything he’d ever loved.
Strong arms wrap around his shoulders, pulling him into a broad chest as he lets everything out. He cries even harder, wails even, and presses further into the chest in front of him. This only drowns the sound of his sobs slightly and he knows he needs to pull himself together in case Jeongin hears him, but no one had ever told him he was doing a good job.
Not his parents, who turned their backs on Changbin the day he told them about Jeongin. Not his best friend, when she soothes his worries about not doing enough. Not even his friends, who do their best to placate him but fall short of ever truly understanding.
The only person to ever tell him he was doing a good job was the stranger consoling him as he wept into what was probably a very expensive shirt, stood inside his crummy apartment, not even 2 hours since they first met.
After 15 minutes, Changbin finally felt stable enough to pull away, wincing at the large wet spot on Chan’s white shirt. Coughing lightly, he moved away from Chan to grab some kitchen roll for his runny nose.
[Wow, so attractive.
Dude, I just had a breakdown, leave me alone.]
Once he’d managed to remove most of the evidence of his crying session, he turned back towards Chan. What was he supposed to do now? His unsureness must show in his face as Chan pulls his suit jacket forward to cover the wet patch before smiling gently at Changbin.
“How are you feeling?”
“Uh, I’m ok now. Thanks. Sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s ok to cry, it releases pressure or something… I don’t know, my ex used to do psychology and he told me that.”
[He. We have a chance.
Stop being horny, we just cried on his chest like a baby.]
“Ha, is that so? Well, Jeongin should be waking up from his nap around now, so…”
Chan, fortunately, takes the cue and heads towards the door.
“Hey, Changbin. Give me your phone for a sec.”
Blinking, he hands his phone over to the man easily. Chan fiddles with it quickly, his own phone vibrating in his breast pocket, before handing it back.
“There. Call me, if you want. Or don’t. It’s completely up to you.”
Chan smiles before heading out the door. Changbin watches the door shut softly before looking down at his phone.
1 new contact: Bang Chan (Sexy Supermarket Man)
It was cute that Chan thought he had to add that note. Like Changbin would ever be able to forget how they met. Settling back into the worn-out couch, he took a second to think about what the hell had just happened.
He had time after all.
Jeongin wouldn’t be awake for another hour or so.
-------
Chan was like a breath of fresh air, and Changbin was falling. Hard.
Changbin had caved and messaged the older man just 3 hours after Chan had left the flat and since then, the conversation had never ended.
Since they were both busy with their everyday lives, they would update the other through pictures. Changbin would send snaps of his daily life with Jeongin, whether it be pictures of Jeongin waving into the camera with big, innocent eyes peering up at his dad, or Jeongin wrapped up in his favourite blanket during naptime.
Whereas Chan would send updates from his office chair, or the gym. Changbin had nearly passed out from the first gym selfie Chan had sent, the chest he had cried against straining against the black tank top in the image.
--
4 weeks have passed since their first meeting, and Jeongin has suddenly fallen sick. Changbin had barely fallen asleep on the sofa early in the morning when Jeongin had stumbled through the door and tugged at his arm.
“Daddy… I don’t fe’well.”
Changbin had just opened his eyes before Jeongin threw up. Right on top of their juice stained carpet.
CRACK! His scar torn heart ached at the sight of his pride and joy looking so pale.
Having rushed Jeongin to the bathroom to clean up, Changbin called Jisung who quickly came over with Hyunjin in tow. Jisung cleaned the carpet as best he could, and Hyunjin went to the 24-hour shop for medication and ice packs to place around Jeongin’s overheated body.
Changbin briefly updated Chan on what was happening but barely had a chance to look at his phone to wait for a reply.
Jisung and Hyunjin left at around 10 AM, both having to work, whilst Changbin called into his measly part-time job. Before he had time to explain why he hadn’t come in, they had fired him.
[Great. Another job down the drain. Why is it so hard for you to hold on to one stupid job?
Jeongin’s sick. I don’t care about some pathetic job.]
Jeongin had finally fallen asleep, murmuring about wanting to see “his Channie” , and Changbin had just settled on the sofa when the doorbell rang. Dragging himself to his feet, Changbin swung the door open to reveal the one man he definitely was not expecting.
Chan.
Chan raised the 3 bags of shopping and nudged the other two on the floor with his foot.
“I think I went a bit overboard.”
Changbin helped him carry the shopping in as Chan unpacked packs after packs of children’s medication. There were tablets and syrups and sprays for colds, diarrhoea, nausea, even hayfever. Chan had also brought a container of chicken noodle soup and a pack of strawberry popsicles.
“Chan, you didn’t have to do all this. We’re ok.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t stop worrying about Jeongin at work and my assistant could see I wasn’t paying attention so he told me to get out. Honestly, he really should speak nicer to his boss but I’m too scared of him to say that to his face…”
Changbin isn’t surprised Chan is scared of his assistant. From what Chan had told him over the past month, Minho, his assistant was a force to be reckoned with.
“You were worried… about Jeongin?”
“Of course I was! He looked so tired and sad in the picture you sent me and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I want to take care of you two. How did you get time off of work? I know they’re hardasses about this kind of stuff.”
Changbin winces slightly before turning to put the container of chicken soup in the fridge for when Jeongin woke up.
“They kinda fired me? It’s fine though! I’ll find some other part-time job, don’t worry.”
“I do though… I do worry. About both of you. Let me help. Please. I don’t want anything in return, I just know how precious you and Jeongin are to me and I want to help.”
Changbin’s heart ached but for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t from sadness. He wanted this. He wanted Chan around, to look after them. He wanted someone who would save him and his son and now Chan was here. His own angel in disguise.
He wanted Chan.
[You can’t put this burden on Chan. You can’t make him take care of you and Jeongin, Chan never asked for this. He didn’t ask for the weight of trying to save a useless father who failed at giving his son a life he could only dream of. You may want Chan, but he does not want you.
Chan did ask. He’s kind, he’s safe. I trust him.
You’re naive.
Just let me feel loved for two seconds.]
Changbin turned around to face Chan, his eyes filled with worry. Walking towards him, Changbin can feel the tension drain from every part of his body as he rests his head on Chan’s chest.
“Thank you for being worried about him. I’m sorry. I’m trying to be the best father I can, it just never seems to be enough.”
Changbin can feel Chan sigh as his arms rest behind Changbin’s back.
“I’m worried about you too! I’m so goddamn worried about you. You’re not a bad father, I hate when you say things like that about yourself. I want to help you because I care about you. I care about you and Jeongin so much, I just want to be there for you and help you. Let me be here and care for you, please.”
Chan moves a hand to Changbin chin and lifts his head. Tears line Chan’s eyes and Changbin can feel his breath catch.
Chan was so, so beautiful.
Before he could stop himself, Changbin could feel himself reaching up, pressing closer and closer until he could feel Chan’s breath shudder across his cheek.
Just one more inch and he would finally be able to feel Chan’s lips against his.
[Stop. Don’t kiss him. What are you doing? Your kid is sick in the next room and you’re here trying to get off with the only man to show you attention.
I want to be happy. He makes me happy.
He’ll break your heart.
I’ll let him.]
“Daddy!! Where are you?”
Changbin pulled away like he’d been burnt and instantly ran to Jeongin’s room.
“I’m here baby. What’s wrong? Are you ok? Does anywhere hurt?”
“I’m ok Daddy! My tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!”
Jeongin beams up at his dad, and the crack along Changbin’s heart stitches itself together bit by bit.
“That’s good baby. Do you want to come into the living room and I can put Pororo on for you?”
“POWOWO! Innie loves Powowo!”
Chuckling, Changbin pulls Jeongin into his arms and slowly they walk into the living room together. Chan is still standing by the kitchen counter, eyes softening at the sight of a flushed Jeongin snuggling closer to Changbin.
“Chan’s here, do you wanna say hi?”
“Channie?!”
Jeongin instantly wriggles in Changbin’s arms, hands reaching out towards Chan. Changbin watches as Chan’s cheeks flush such a pretty pink.
“You were sick baby, I don’t want to pass it on to Chan.”
Jeongin’s face falls and tears build in his eyes. Chan rushes forward and reaches his hands towards Jeongin.
“I don’t mind taking him. I’ve missed my little man! How are you doing sweetie? Daddy told me you haven’t been well, I’ve been so worried!”
Jeongin giggles at the pout spread across Chan’s face and pushes his small index fingers into the dimples pressed into Chan’s cheeks.
“I’m ok Channie! Daddy, Jinnie and Sungie made me better wif hugs and kissies!”
Changbin startles at this admission.
“Wait, who gave you kisses?”
Jeongin put on his best puppy dog eyes before looking towards Changbin.
“Jinnie gave me kissies when we pwayed wif de dinosaws! They said don’t tell Daddy but I tell Daddy evewything!”
“I guess I can’t be mad when you’re that stinking cute!”
Satisfied that he’d gotten away with essentially tattling on Hyunjin, Jeongin turns back towards Chan and leans closer to him.
“Channie give me kissies too? Innie wants Channie kissies!”
Chan barely acknowledges the start of Changbin’s rebuttal before he starts to pepper kisses across Jeongin’s face.
Changbin could feel his heart warm. Here, in his crummy kitchen, listening to his son giggle happily as the man Changbin was falling for indulged his son’s wishes.
Changbin wanted to capture this moment in a snapshot. To imprint this feeling of warmth and comfort onto his heart forever. Changbin wanted this. Him, Jeongin, and Chan.
---
2 YEARS LATER
Changbin can’t believe it’s happening again.
He’s standing in the frozen food aisle, watching his son throw another tantrum over strawberry popsicles.
[Wow, you really can’t do anything right. Just get your son the popsicles. Usel-]
“Hey sweetie, it’s ok! We’ll get the popsicles!”
Changbin snaps back to reality as he watches Chan swoop his son up from the aisle floor into his arms.
“C’mon Binnie, we’re gonna be late for dinner with my parents. They have a new d-”
“Don’t say the D word! You know how he gets!”
“Ooh, sorry! They got him a new D-I-N-O-S-A-U-R T-O-Y and I know they’re dying to give it to him.”
Changbin scoffs. Jeongin may be young, but he knows how to spell dinosaur. He remembers having to scrub the crayon scribblings of the word from the living room wall before they had moved into Chan’s apartment.
“Your parents spoil him so much, he’ll never go back to being the humble kid I used to know.”
“They love their grandson, what can I say?”
And as Chan turns back to smile brightly at Changbin, and slips his hand into his as the cool metal on his ring finger brushes Changbin’s, the final crack in Changbin’s heart blends together.
For the first time in a long time, Changbin feels whole.