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Bucky can’t say his 106th birthday was the best. Past birthdays post-Hydra’s brainwashing usually consisted of morning runs with Steve, followed by a Denny's breakfast and then board games with Steve and Natasha-and even Sam that one time. To outsiders, this didn’t seem like anything special, especially with paparazzi comparing his birthday adventures to the outrageous parties thrown by Stark for his intern-turned-adoptive-son, Peter. But to Bucky, these days were ones he held dear to his heart. He didn’t have family left outside of Steve, and often wished late at night to return to those days he’d had before deployment. Days spent saving String Bean Steve “I can take ‘em” Rogers from whatever scuffles he’d somehow wrapped himself into with 0% chance of making it out without a scratch. He tried his best to shove those memories aside and keep his head up high above the clouds. Even when doing so seemed so difficult, Steve was there to boost himself up and help him enjoy his new life as a 21st Century man. Until he wasn’t.
When Steve hugged him before running off to return the Infinity Stones to their rightful times, he noticed how the hug was a bit tighter than the ones before. It seemed like Steve never wanted to let go, but then he did. Bucky didn’t know Steve would come back to resemble a grandpa who would give his grandchildren money behind their parents’ backs, but he knew that Steve was about to do something irreversible. He watched Sam walk over to Steve and their whole interaction from a distance. He felt his eyes fill with tears as Sam held the shield in his hand. A shield that he had felt so connected to, surely more than Sam. Instead of walking towards Steve, he took a deep breath, not allowing himself to break, and made his way towards his car parked out front of Tonys' cabin with envy pooling in his gut. Bucky drove mindlessly onto the freeway, trying to not think about all the special moments Steve experienced, all without him.
When Sam gave up the shield to the Smithsonian, all he felt was anger and sadness. Anger at Steve: for leaving him and abandoning all their history, at Sam for getting rid of the one piece of family he had left. Sadness for what this truly meant. Watching the shield be hung up at the Smithsonian signified his loneliness and isolation. He was now in a new and scary world, with no one he could trust. All alone.
Every day he watched his home screen pile up with texts and calls, mostly from Sam. He never got a call or text from Steve. He was sure that that day at the lake would be their last, but Bucky couldn’t ignore the pain in his chest every time Steve didn’t call. In a way, he was glad. He was scared of the person he’d become if he saw Steve again. Sam, on the other hand, he just ignored. He wanted nothing to do with him which did not appear to be mutual. In fact, on the day Sam gave up the shield, Bucky received over a dozen calls and texts which he assumed to be invitations to the ceremony. What was Sam not getting through his head? It was like he had no common sense? Couldn’t he see the pain he was causing?
So imagine the reaction Bucky had when Sam showed up on his doorstep on his birthday. Bucky was sleeping on his hard wooden floor with his TV playing some random sports channel when he heard his doorbell ring. He looked at the clock on the cable box, which read 6:05 am. With an annoyed groan, he pulled himself up off the floor and tiredly opened the door without even checking the peephole beforehand. God, why couldn’t he have checked the peephole? Bucky's grumpy morning face met Sam's usual upbeat smile.
“Hey, birthday boy..” Sam cheered in a teasing way.
“What do you want?”
“What do you want? What do you mean what do I want, it’s your birthday! How old are you? 27? ...28?..
“106,” Bucky answered in monotone. If it were any other hour, Bucky's anger for Sam may have been more apparent, but his sleepiness overpowered his anger.
“Damn, really? Oh yeah, I forgot about the whole ‘preserved for 70 years’ thing. Nice hair, by the way! Going for the whole Flynn Rider look, huh? ”
“The...who..? Whatever. Why are you here?”
“Did you not hear what I said? It’s your birthday! Don’t you go on those runs every year?”
“If by every year you are including the past 5 years, can’t say I’ve been faithful. Plus, it was Steve I’d go with.” That one definitely stung.
“Yeah, I know, but c’mon. I don’t think you’ll get much out of this day from just moping around your apartment by yourself.”
And that’s how Bucky wound up jogging around the Lincoln Memorial with Sam at 7:30 am. The sky was very cloudy on this March morning although the air was strangely warm. The thickness in the air gave Sam’s lungs a bit of a challenge, but he didn’t mention it, afraid to push Bucky over the edge that he was clearly already teetering on. They circled around the monument twice before slowly slowing to a stop to catch their breath and take a break. After catching his breath for the most part, Sam looked over at Bucky and said,
“Nice jog hey. Wasn’t that a good way to start your birthday?”
“Nothing I’m not used to.”
Sam ignored the bitterness in his voice and asked if he was up for getting a bite to eat, to which he nodded. Bucky led the way, turning the corner of the street he lives on before heading towards a bar that is apparently open at 9am. They sat at a booth all the way in the back. Before Bucky was able to fully sit down, he told the host to grab 2 beers that were intended to both be for himself, but Sam snagged the second bottle before Buck was able to clarify it was his. Bucky sighed, knowing it was going to take a lot more than one beer to get him through this day.
Sam continued to make small talk; asking about how Buckys has been, about his progress with his social worker, if he’s met any ladies because it appears Buckys become quite the returning customer. Each question from Sam was returned by an unenthusiastic response from Bucky. Mostly mumbles and nods. Sometimes, Bucky would add to the conversation, but his voice was kept monotone. Sam decided to not push Bucky. If silence was what he wanted, silence was what he’d get, even if it was concerning and confusing to Sam.
The two men made their way out of the bar. Bucky was fully ready to go home and move along with his day, but Sam wasn't having any of it. Bucky spoke up,
“Well, this was quite the morning. Thanks for...this. See you later, ” mumbling the last part.
“What do you mean? At least let me walk you home.”
Bucky had no energy to put up a fight, so he reluctantly allowed himself to walk next to Sam in the direction of his apartment, resisting the urge to run in a random direction in the hopes of losing him. Knowing Sam, he’d eventually find him anyway so he didn’t bother. Bucky made his way to the building lobby, turning the keys to open the main door, collecting mail before heading to the elevator and pressing the button for the 9th floor. Sam quietly followed him out the elevator and waited for Bucky to open his apartment door. Bucky sensed Sam wanted an invite inside, so with a grunt he motioned to his apartment. He didn’t know why he let this day get to the point it had. One part of him enjoyed Sam's company, but a bigger part was scared of breaking in front of him. During his time as the Winter Soldier, he had grown accustomed to pain and became a master of hiding his emotions from people. Now he just had to play along with whatever game Sam came up with.
The first thing Sam noticed when he walked into Buck's apartment were the blankets and the pile of pillows on the floor. In front of it was a fairly small TV, which sat directly on the floor. No sofa, no mattress, no coffee table. The walls were painted a very faint blue; it was practically white with no decor on the walls. All in all, the apartment was — depressing.
“So this is it? Y’know, it couldn’t kill you to put a little color in here”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Red, White, and Blue if my apartment doesn’t exude my enthusiasm at not being America's new star spangled man .”
“That felt passive aggressive.”
“Well I’m known for active aggression, you’re lucky this one's passive.”
Sam paused and took a step back with a face mixed with confusion and concern.
“Bucky, is something wrong? It seems like ever since Steve gave me the shield you’ve been distant and even a bit jealous.”
That last line brought Bucky to his breaking point.
“I’m sorry, Sam, that everything in my life is shit!”
The sudden raise in volume of Bucky's voice made Sam flinch and not dare say a word.
“ — Not only did I get turned to dust for 5 years, when I came back, everything that I had left was gone . Steve became so wrapped up in his grief over Tony and Natasha, he didn’t have time to talk to me unless it was to break down in tears. I loved him and he couldn’t even talk to me. Then he left to return the stones and came back a man I could hardly recognize. He lived his dream life — a dream life where I wasn’t standing next to him. Then, he gave you the shield, the only real piece of the real him I had left, but honestly, I don’t know if I ever knew him at this point. HE LEFT FOR AN ENTIRE LIFETIME AND HE DIDN’T EVEN TALK TO THE MAN WHO’S BEEN IN LOVE WITH HIM FOR 100 YEARS. ” By now, heavy tears were streaming down his red face and his adrenaline was rushing. Tired from his outburst he allowed his body to bring him to the floor sitting with his legs pulled halfway to his chest, loosely crossed.
“Sam… what did I do wrong?”
Sam's shock from Bucky’s sudden outburst shifted to concerned love. He slowly sat down next to him not being afraid of his body being too close to Bucky’s.
“Nothing. You have done nothing wrong. The Winter Soldier isn't’ you. Whatever S.H.I.E.L.D or the government says about you isn’t you. And Steve is one of the only people to have seen that.”
“But… the other thing. Sam, I'm not normal. I shouldn’t feel like that. I guess I thought that if Steve felt the same that I would feel normal.” Bucky held his head in shame, not wanting Sam to see any remaining tears yet to make their appearance.
“Ya know back when I was in the Air Force, I had a friend — his name was Riley. We were best friends, nearly anytime I wasn’t jumping out of planes I was busy doing something with him. Once we stayed up late and we somehow made it to the roof of our complex we lived at on base. Suddenly he pulled out blue marshmallows. When he offered some to me, he made it known they were blue. It was all he’d raved about at that moment. I asked why he was so fixated on the fact it was blue and he said blue food was his favorite. I was so confused because it was weird and strange. When I questioned him about that he said that's exactly why he loved it. Orange and Green? Those are boring! Why have bleh when there’s aquamarine? ”
Sam looked back at Bucky's confused face, not seeing his story’s relevancy to the current situation.
“What I’m trying to say is that you are anything but normal, the same goes with Riley, but that doesn't make you any less human or worthy of love. The things that make you different are the very things that make you strong.”
A long silence falls between the two as Bucky stares into Sam’s eyes, sensing he has something else to say.
“Bucky. I’m sorry for giving away the shield, I didn’t know what it meant to you. I promise to be there for you, I might not be Steve or be able to fill in the role you wanted Steve to, but I definitely try to make you feel more different. So be different. Be strong.”