Work Text:
When he dies, he relives him.
---
He wakes up because for the first time in who knows how long, there’s another body in his bed.
“Moony.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m not allowed to sleep in our bed?”
He is allowed, yes – that’s not the issue, and Sirius knows it as much as he does. Sirius hasn’t slept in their bed in weeks. He’s slept on the couch since that fight they had had a few weeks ago, a fight they hadn’t gotten over – the last bit of evidence showing that Sirius still cared about him was the insistence that he would take the couch, that Remus, because of his ‘furry little problem’ (it was amazing how they could be so at odds but Sirius still called it that with no hint of irony), should keep the bed. Remus wanted to tell him that he didn’t want the bed if Sirius wasn’t in it as well, but they didn’t say things like that to each other anymore. So he kept silent and went to bed every night, that big bed that was way too much space for one person. He stayed on his side each night, just in case.
It’s been so incredibly awkward between them, half because they’re fighting and half because neither of them wants to be. But Sirius doesn’t trust him anymore, and Remus can’t really blame him for that, because he’s given him every reason not to. But Remus knows Sirius and he knows that Sirius wants, so badly, to trust him. But this is war, and Remus isn’t in the Order, and all’s fair in love and war, or something.
“You always said the couch was good for your back.”
“Moony.” Sirius’ voice is quiet. Sirius puts his cold feet on Remus’ bare legs, something Sirius knows he hates. Remus hisses. Sirius grins. Remus hasn’t seen Sirius smile in months, probably.
“What are you doing?”
Instead of answering Sirius kisses him. Remus lets him, kisses back with fervour, refuses to talk until Sirius pulls back for breath. “What are you doing?” Sirius’ answer is another kiss, rolling on top of Remus. Remus can’t remember the last time they had kissed like this. Every time one of them leaves the house it’s a quick peck on the lips because they might not come back, but they haven’t kissed in ages. They haven’t had sex in a week and a half but even when they do they don’t kiss. They only fuck when one of them has been gone for a long time, when they forget that things aren’t the same and that Sirius doesn’t trust him, when they’re so caught up in thank god you’re home that they forget that Sirius sleeps on the couch.
“Shut up, Remus.” Remus does. Sirius kisses harder than he ever has before, pushing against Remus as though trying to be absorbed into him. Remus can’t help the little noise that escapes him and Sirius laughs into his mouth and then bites down on his lip. Remus yelps and Sirius sticks his hand down Remus’ boxers. He is amazingly, astoundingly, impossibly hard, but he’s also Remus Lupin, which is why he asks once more, “What are you doing?”
“You are impossible,” Sirius growls at him. “I miss you, idiot.” Remus has no problem with this, and he stops talking. He doesn’t say another word as Sirius strips off his clothes, doesn’t say a thing even as, for the first time in a hundred years, he thinks, they have sex in a way that isn’t angry and nasty, and Sirius keeps his lips glued to Remus’ almost the entire time.
When he wakes up every trace of Sirius is gone except for the marks on his skin.
---
No, not that one. That one’s too painful. Another one, please. Don’t make him go through that again.
---
He goes to visit him in the cave once. Dumbledore tells him the location with a sneaky little smile on his face and Remus is once again reminded that not much gets past Dumbledore. He isn’t ashamed in the slightest. It’s been 12 years.
Sirius is chewing on a bone when he finally locates the cave. He doesn’t want to know what animal it comes from. Buckbeak is in the corner, chomping on an even larger bone, and Remus is reminded that there are worse things to be than a werewolf.
Sirius glances up at him, an expression of panic fleeting briefly across his face before he recognizes Remus. His expression softens. Remus swallows awkwardly, surveying his friend’s living conditions, if you could call them that. The stench is horrendous. Sirius seems to be, somehow, even skinnier, his skin even more sallow and stretched. This is not the Sirius that Remus is familiar with. His Sirius is strong and confident and beautiful.
His Sirius is long dead, and upon realization of that, a slow seed of regret starts to bloom in his stomach. He shouldn’t have come here.
“Moony.” Sirius’s voice is quiet and reserved – it’s a voice he’s never heard before, but his name sounds the same. He wonders how it can be that even after so long Sirius Black can still make his stomach flutter by just saying his name.
“You look like shit, Sirius.”
Sirius grins. “Yeah well, you’re not exactly the poster child for beauty, Remus.”
“Maybe not, but I didn’t have far to fall. You – you used to be beautiful. You could make anyone fall in love with you.”
“Even you.”
Remus ignores this comment. He steps forward and cautiously picks up a strand of straggly hair. “Now look at you.”
He never stops grinning. He still looks mad. It’s a terrifying grin. If Remus hadn’t known better, he might have been afraid.
“I bet I could still make some poor sod fall in love with me.”
“Not as the world’s most wanted criminal.”
“What if it was someone who knew I was innocent?” He cocks his head at Remus, who is transported years back, a poor little 15 year old boy in love with his beautiful best friend, and Sirius’s comments, stringing him on. Remus shoves his fifteen year old insecurities back inside him and smiles instead, forcing a laugh.
“Really Sirius? I would have thought Dumbledore was a little old for you.”
Sirius laughs and leans back against the wall, staring at Remus with humour in his face. Remus can’t help but wonder when the last time Sirius had laughed was – a real laugh, not hollow, demented laughter.
“Tell me Moony, what did you come here for if not to glory in my beauty, which, evidently, has faded away?”
“I wouldn’t say faded, Sirius, I would say that it packed up and fled as far away as possible.”
“Remus.” His voice is quiet, severe, and just like that the joking is done. Remus licks his lips – suddenly dry – and glances over at the Hippogriff in the corner.
“Why wouldn’t I come? You were one of my best friends for nine years and you’ve just proven your innocence. Wouldn’t you come to see me?”
“Is that it?”
Remus forces himself to meet the other man’s eyes. “What did you expect, Sirius?”
“An acknowledgement, at least.”
“Fine, then, here’s your acknowledgement – I acknowledge that I was in love with you for from the time I was twelve. I acknowledge that for nearly two years you would crawl into my bed and fuck me until I couldn’t see straight. I acknowledge that you would hold me and whisper nonsense, frilly words that I wasn’t even aware you knew. I acknowledge that we lived together after Hogwarts in your silly little flat and those were the happiest times of my life. And I acknowledge that I loved you, terribly so. Did I miss anything?”
“I think you’ve pretty much got the story straight, except that I meant those silly, nonsense frilly words that I said. Every single one.”
“I can’t do this, Pads. I’m sorry –”
“Don’t.” Sirius’s voice is choked, suddenly, hoarse and little and scared and it stops Remus in his tracks. “Moony, don’t – don’t leave. Not yet. Please.”
Remus looks at this ghost of a man at his feet and laughs before dropping down beside him and wrapping an arm around his bony shoulders. “I’m a selfish prat, aren’t I?”
Sirius’s head drops on his shoulders. “Little bit, yeah.”
“I’m sorry. This is not the time to get hung up over petty things. I’m sorry.”
Sirius snakes one of his hands into Remus’s. Remus is tense, almost unbearably so – 12 years of absence, 12 years of hatred is still tucked inside of him and he knows it will take him some time to get over that, but Sirius is small and scared now, and while Remus has hated him for 12 years, he has loved him for a hundred, it seems. So he shifts, and Sirius caves into his chest, and Remus holds him like he hasn’t held anybody in 12 years.
“I’ll bring you some food,” he whispers. “Soon.”
“You called me Pads.”
“What?”
“Before. When – when you were about to leave. You called me Pads.”
“S’your name, isn’t it?”
“M’so tired, Moony.” His voice breaks and Remus is suddenly overwhelmed with affection, so strong he can taste it in his throat, and he pulls Sirius so close to him, so tightly he’s afraid the brittle man will break in his arms. Remus doesn’t know how he will ever make it up to Sirius, how he will ever make up for 12 years of solitude, of loneliness, of Dementor’s, of Lily and James screaming in his head. He will never be able to give Sirius back those years but he can sure as hell try to help him live now.
“Then sleep. And I mean a real, deep sleep. I slept in the same room as you for nine years, Sirius Black, I know you snore something fierce. Sleep and snore and dream of running but if you kick me I will kick you right back.”
A chuckle, barely audible into his chest. “Git.”
Sirius still fits perfectly in his arms. Remus wonders how this could be but tries not to focus on the logistics of it.
---
He thinks he can still feel Sirius, but that is impossible, because he is dying and Sirius is dead.
---
When he is twelve he is reading in the common room when Sirius and James literally lift him up off the chair and carry him upstairs, throwing him onto his bed while Peter guards the door.
“What the hell are you doing?” He sits up and glares at the three of them in turn, but it doesn’t seem to have any effect. James crosses his arms over his chest, but it’s Sirius who speaks.
“Nice day today, isn’t it?”
“I know you didn’t drag me up here to talk about the weather.”
“Why don’t we go out tonight? Explore, maybe go down to the kitchens.”
It’s the full moon tonight. Remus shifts uncomfortably. “I’m pretty tired tonight.”
“A night out will invigorate you.”
“I’m just… not in the mood.”
Peter pipes up, stepping up to stand between James and Sirius, probably aware that there’s no way Remus will be able to break through the three of them to get to the door. “You’re pretty routinely not in the mood.”
He turns his glare on Peter, knowing it will at least have some effect on him. Peter shrinks a little but Sirius slaps him on the back and nods. “Good point, Pete.”
“Are you seriously upset because I don’t want to go rob the kitchens?” But even though he’s trying very hard to appear unfazed his heart is beating fast and his palms are sweating. This is it, he thinks. At least I had friends for a little while.
James, arms still crossed, stares down at Remus. If Remus hadn’t been so terrified, he would have found the gang of twelve year olds bearing down on him almost funny. “We’re actually pretty offended, Remus, that you think we’re so thick we wouldn’t notice.”
“Notice what? There’s nothing to notice.”
“So then let’s go out tonight.” Remus tries to look at Sirius in the eye but he can’t manage to.
“I’m… tired.”
“No, you’re a werewolf.”
James and Sirius both turn to look at Peter. “Pete, the whole idea was to get him to tell us.”
Peter shrugs. “He was just going to keep telling us he was tired. I can’t be here all day.”
“Where exactly are you planning on going?”
Peter shrugs. “I could have plans.” But he grins as he says it.
“I’m… I’m not a werewolf.” He doesn’t exactly sound very convincing.
“Well then your mother is, because she also seems to get pretty routinely sick. You know, all those times you left to visit her. Send her our condolences.”
Remus is completely frozen, staring at some point between the three of them, blood rushing in his ears. He strongly resists the urge to cry, because if he’s about to lose his friends he’s not going to lose his dignity, too.
Sirius waves his hand in front of his face. “I think we broke him.”
James leans over and puts his mouth up to Remus’ ear. “Remus? Remus?”
“Maybe we should hit him.”
“Jesus Christ, Peter, we’re not hitting him.”
Where will he sleep, now? Maybe Dumbledore can find a separate place for him. There has to be some other place where he can stay, with a bed at the least. He doesn’t want to leave Hogwarts – if they promise not to tell he would probably still be able to stay in school.
“Y’know maybe that’s not a bad idea.”
“If you want to hit the guy who’s about to turn into a big scary wolf later, be my guest, Potter, but I won’t.”
“Remus! Snap out of it.”
“Kiss him, Peter.”
“What?!”
“We have to do something! Shock him back to life!”
Remus stirs, stands up, starts gathering up his things. The three other boys stare at him. “What are you doing?”
“Getting my stuff. I can’t stay here.”
“Why the fuck not?” This is Sirius, the only one of them who has become comfortable with swearing.
“You’re not going to want to stay in a room with a werewolf.”
“I stay in a room with Peter’s snoring and James’ smelly feet, what makes you think this is different? At least this is only once a month.”
Remus starts piling his books on his bed. “Sirius, I don’t really need your jokes right now.”
“Who says I’m joking? James, put his books away.”
James yanks Remus’ books out of his arms, throws them across the room. Then he takes Remus by the shoulders and shoves him back down onto the bed. “Clearly you’re not understanding what we’re saying here, Lupin. We’re not annoyed you’re a werewolf, you big furry bastard, we’re annoyed you didn’t tell us.”
“Why would I willingly tell you that?”
“Gee, maybe because we’re your BEST FRIENDS?” Peter shouts. Sirius slings his arm around Peter’s shoulder, nodding along.
“Yeah, you thick prick.” James laughs at the rhyme.
“Wait, wait. I don’t…” Remus is confused. “What are you saying?”
“We don’t care that you’re a damn werewolf, idiot.”
“But… I’m dangerous.”
“Dangerously stupid, maybe.”
“But –”
“Look, stupid, judging from the fact that none of us are currently wolfing out along with you, clearly you’re doing pretty well.”
Remus looks around at the faces of the people who are, apparently, still his friends. “So, you’re not… you still want to be friends?”
Sirius rolls his eyes so heavily Remus is afraid they are going to get lost in the back of his head. “Pete, I take back anything I ever said about your intelligence, I’ve found the dunce of the group.”
“Weird that it’s the one who reads the most,” James says. Remus still isn’t able to wrap his head around what’s going on.
“I don’t…”
“Look, Lupin. You go all howly every month, we don’t care, that’s basically the whole story. Snape could follow this better than you are.”
“Peter’s foot fungus could follow this better than you are.”
“Stop!” Remus shouts, slamming his fist down on the bed. The three boys shut up immediately, staring at him incredulously. “Just… stop. This isn’t funny. I’m glad you’re all having a laugh but this isn’t fucking funny.” The eyes of the other three widen when they hear Remus swear, but he barely notices. “I got bit when I was five years old and this is the only life I know and it’s not FUNNY.”
Sirius recovers first. “We know it’s not funny, mate. We’re just… trying to show you that this doesn’t change anything.”
“But it does.”
“Why?” This is Peter.
“Because it does. You can’t just… carry on as though nothing’s changed.”
“Oh, we’re not going to.” He looks at James, confused. Peter nudges him hard in the ribs.
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing,” Sirius jumps in.
“Uh, yeah. I just meant… well, it won’t be as if nothing’s changed. You don’t have to hide, so you’ll feel better, and we can finally visit you in the hospital wing. We’re not going to go back as if nothing’s changed, because now we can be supportive in a way we couldn’t before.”
The relief on their faces means Remus does not believe that for a second, but he’s too tired to argue, and besides, he has to leave soon.
“Look, we can talk about this later, I have to go.” Sirius grabs his arm as he passes.
“Hey. We’re serious. We’re still your friends.” Remus can’t quite look Sirius in the eyes.
“Okay.” It takes him almost a year to fully believe them.
---
When he relives Peter, he feels nothing, no pain, no anger. Maybe that’s what death is, just nothingness. Just reliving your life over and over but with no emotional response to it. At this point it would probably be a blessing.
---
When Sirius gets up he groans so loudly it wakes Remus up.
“Do you mind?”
“What?”
“You sound like you’re getting viciously fucked.”
“Again?” Sirius grins. Remus grunts.
“What exactly are you doing?”
“Getting out of bed.”
“Christ, we’re old.”
“Tell me about it.” Sirius looks around. “Why did I even get up?”
“I don’t know. Come back to bed with me.”
“Don’t have to tell me twice.” He collapses back beside Remus, burying his nose in Remus’ neck. “Why do we ever get out of bed anymore?”
“Life is full of bad decisions.” Sirius has started kissing his neck, his hand rubbing circles on Remus’ chest. “Let’s never get out of bed again.”
“Okay.” Sirius nips at his ear. After a few minutes Remus sighs and says, “We should probably get out of bed.”
“Mooooony.”
Remus laughs. “Everyone will be here soon.”
“All the more reason to stay in bed as long as we can.”
Remus has to admit that Sirius has some sound logic. But still. “There are things to do.”
“I agree.”
“I mean things, not people.” But he can’t seem to stop himself from smiling. It’s very infuriating.
Sirius licks his ear. “Stay with me.”
“Pads –”
Sirius shifts, spreading himself out on top of Remus. He is so thin, Remus thinks bitterly.
“Stay with me.” His voice is wheedling, his lips on Remus’ skin incredibly convincing. We deserve this, Remus can’t help but think.
“Okay.” Sirius always had a talent for convincing Remus to go against his better judgement.
“I love you,” Sirius whispers, quietly, the same way he had done when he was seventeen, eighteen, as if half of him didn’t want Remus to hear. Remus kisses him. After so long Sirius tends to say every little thing he thinks about, tries to make up for those years of silence by telling Remus he loves him every moment they’re alone; Remus makes up for those years, those loud years with the imagined screams of Lily and James and Peter and the laughter of his supposedly deranged lover and the steady drumming of how how how how how rushing through his ears, he makes up for those years by kissing Sirius whenever possible, because he never felt like his words were enough.
---
“Moony. Moony. Moony. Are you awake?”
“I wasn’t until you decided to wake me.”
“Well at least you’re awake now.”
“Yes, Sirius. Why am I awake?”
“I want to show you something.”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what it is!”
“I know that whatever it is, it can definitely wait until morning.”
“No, it can’t.”
“Why?”
“Moony, would you just look at me?”
He does, opening his eyes, all prepared to chew out Sirius for whatever stupid idea he has deemed worthy enough to wake Remus up in the middle of the night for, until he sees Sirius… naked.
“What the hell are you doing?” Remus is shocked, and somehow appears unable to stop staring at Sirius’ lower half.
“I had something really important to do and I was too much in a hurry to put clothes on.”
“You sleep naked?”
“Course,” he says. Remus – with great difficulty – brings his eyes up to Sirius’ face.
“What exactly was so important you couldn’t stop to put on pants?”
If it weren’t so dark, Remus might have been able to see how worried Sirius was, how he was biting his lip, the way his eyes were sending a silent plea that didn’t reach Remus. If it weren’t so dark, Remus might have seen Sirius lean in, might have been aware of what he was planning. If it weren’t so dark, Remus’ stupid, stupid brain might have pulled away, afraid of whatever was happening and afraid that Sirius wasn’t thinking clearly. But Remus doesn’t see any of these; he doesn’t really see anything, just feels Sirius’ lips pushing down on his, frantic, and the hand that grips Remus’ arm, Sirius’ long fingers holding him so tightly Remus is certain there will be bruises in the morning. Remus is suddenly split into two; his brain is completely frozen, but his body reacts, as if it had been waiting for this to happen and was always ready, so he kisses Sirius back and his hands clutch at Sirius’ shoulders, bringing him closer and ensuring he won’t get any farther.
When he feels Remus kissing him back Sirius slides into the bed, hand cupping Remus’ neck, shoving apart Remus’ legs and sliding one of his in between, knee pushing gently against the hard-on that Remus is not at all surprised he has.
“You’re drunk,” he gasps, because he’s terrified that’s the only reason this is happening.
“It’s Tuesday,” Sirius whispers, kissing along Remus’ jaw bone.
“That’s never stopped you before.”
“M’not drunk.”
“You’re mad.”
Sirius laughs, loud in Remus’ ear. “You already knew that, Moony.”
“Sirius, what –” It is very hard to concentrate when Sirius is sucking on his neck like that. “What is this?” Even as he asks this Remus is pulling off his pyjamas, and when that’s finished he lets his hands roam all over parts of Sirius he never thought he would ever be able to touch.
“I was lying in bed,” Sirius says, throwing Remus’ pants off the bed. “And I realized that I have spent sixteen years of my life not kissing Remus Lupin, and that that was far too long, thank you very much, and I had to fix that immediately.”
Remus laughs, positively giddy. “I didn’t even know –”
“That’s because you’re delightfully oblivious, Moony. James and Peter like to follow me around and shout ‘stop mooning over Moony.’ I think even McGonagall knows.”
“McGonagall does not know.”
Sirius climbs on top of him, nails raking over his chest. “Moony, I really don’t want to be talking about McGonagall when I’m naked and hard.”
“We don’t have to talk at all,” Remus says, nipping at Sirius’ ear.
“You always were the smartest.” Sirius presses kisses down his chest, down his stomach, lower and lower, Remus’ heartbeat and breathing speeding up to such a point that he’s afraid he’s going into cardiac arrest.
Sirius kisses every scar that mars his body.
---
Young and old, seventeen year old Sirius and his baby face next to Sirius, older than he should be, hair too long and beard too long and his lips pressed desperately to Remus’ body. Remus is very disoriented. He thought death was supposed to make sense; he’s more confused than ever.
---
“Why did you kiss me?”
“You’ll have to narrow that down, Remus.”
“I mean the first time.” He doesn’t even know if Sirius will remember. Azkaban had stolen so many of his memories, and more often than not Remus will be reminiscing over something and Sirius will stare at him, eyes wide, panic in his voice as he whispers I don’t remember. But there’s some part of his ego that is large enough to expect that Sirius would be able to hold on to the memory of their first kiss.
Sirius flips over the bacon he’s making. Remus thinks he can see the hint of a smile across Sirius’ gaunt cheeks.
“I was hoping I could get through life without having to tell that story.”
“Why?”
“Okay, look, it was like fifteen years ago, okay? So you can’t get mad.”
“You’re worrying me.”
Sirius turns around, resting against the counter. “I had a wet dream about James.”
Remus was not expecting that. “Um.” What exactly was he supposed to say to that? “Okay.”
Sirius crosses over to the table and forces himself into Remus’ lap. “Why would having a wet dream about James make you want to kiss me?”
“Well.” Sirius kisses him quickly. “I was lying in bed, thinking about James naked –”
“As we all did, at one point.”
“Shut up. And I realized that under no circumstance did I ever want to be in that position with him. And then I thought about – well.” Remus pushes his nose into Sirius’ collarbone. Neither of them wants to say his name. “And I wanted that even less. And then I thought about you, Moony, and how I had been mooning – pun not intended – after you for like, a year, and thought about you naked, and how much I wanted to see that, and I figured then was as good a time as ever, and I was super horny –”
“You’re so romantic.”
Sirius nips at Remus’ lip. “So I decided to grow a pair and snog you like I had wanted to so for long.”
“Thank god for James’ naked body, then.”
Sirius kisses him, and keeps kissing him until they smell burning bacon. Sirius springs off of his lap and runs over to the stove, looks down in disappointment at the shrivelled up slices of bacon. “Well, that’s ruined.”
Remus comes up behind him. “I’m sure we can find something else to do.”
“Were you always this horny?” Sirius laughs as Remus starts to undo his pants. Remus doesn’t answer, just spins Sirius around, pushing against him.
“I’m going to burn my ass off on this stove, Moony.”
“We should probably relocate, then.”
---
Eleven year old Remus Lupin is terrified.
“Hmm.” He knew the hat would talk, so why did he still jump? “A werewolf.”
Oh no. Oh no. The hat was going to announce it and he would be kicked out of school before he even got in.
“Who do you think I am, boy? I am not interested in anything but what house you belong in. I won’t shout your secrets to the rooftop. It doesn’t even matter. I just rarely ever get werewolves.”
Why doesn’t it matter? He hopes the hat can hear his thoughts. He had never asked.
“I can. And it doesn’t matter, Remus Lupin, because I am not sorting a werewolf, I am sorting a boy.”
But I’m –
“I am not here to have an existential discussion with you, child. I am not a therapist.
“So. There are hints of all in you. You will be difficult, I can see. Brave, yes, and very smart. Resourceful, to be able to survive as you have. But very loyal – how loyal is the question. You would go to great lengths for your friends.”
I don’t have any friends.
“My heart breaks for you.” The hat is silent for a few moments. “I was wrong, Lupin.”
About what?
“The wolf in you does matter.”
Remus’ heart sinks. He doesn’t want to be a wolf.
“You are smart and loyal, resourceful, certainly, and cunning, even, but it is your bravery that shines the brightest. It takes a brave man to live as a werewolf. It takes a braver child.”
Um –
“GRYFFINDOR.” Remus jumps in surprise as the hat shouts. McGonagall takes the hat off and smiles at him as he walks over to the Gryffindor table. Older students clap him on the back as he sits down next to Sirius Black, the only other first year to be sorted to this house so far.
“Hi,” he mutters. Sirius doesn’t answer, just picks at a thread on his robes. Later Remus will understand why, but for now all he can think is that his father was right about the Black family, even one that may have been deemed a Gryffindor.
---
The beginning.
His head hurts.
---
This time when Remus comes to the cave Sirius deviates from the plan.
“I want to talk, Moony.”
“Okay.” Remus isn’t sure how he feels about this. Now that he has Sirius back he doesn’t want to talk about the years spent without him.
They sit down against the wall. “What have you been doing?” Sirius throws a chicken leg at Buckbeak in the corner.
“Oh, you know. Wild parties, successful jobs, kicking back in my huge mansion –”
Sirius elbows him. “Ass.”
“What do you want to hear, Sirius? My life hasn’t dramatically changed in twelve years. I’m still poor and alone and I live in a shit fucking cottage. Once a month I lock myself in my bedroom and I drink a potion and I wolf out rather underwhelmingly.”
“Wolf out?” Sirius grins. “I see you still use my terminology.”
“It’s seeped into my brain and I can’t seem to rid myself of it.”
“So what else?” Sirius’ voice is overly casual. Remus looks at him.
“What do you want to know?”
“Just… things. You know. It’s been years, Moony, I want to know what I’ve missed –”
“There was never anybody else,” Remus says, very quietly. “If that’s what you want to know.”
Sirius doesn’t look at him. “Are you trying to tell me you’ve been celibate for 12 years?”
“That’s a different question. There have been some. Even a girl or two.”
“Tramp.”
Remus laughs. “Never thought you’d be calling me that, huh?”
Sirius scratches at the ground. “I guess I just thought… I mean, hoped, maybe, I don’t know, it’s stupid and selfish, but I just…”
“You thought maybe I was still in love with you?”
Sirius looks at his knees in embarrassment. Despite everything he looks so much like his sixteen year old self. His knotty, tangled hair hangs in front of his face and Remus has the strongest desire to kiss him.
What he does is laugh. Real laughter, noises he hasn’t made since that first blissful year after Hogwarts, at least, before everything fell to shit.
“It’s not that funny, Remus.” Sirius is clearly very hurt.
“I’m sorry,” he manages to say. Sirius is breathing the way he does when he’s trying to pretend he’s not upset. “It’s just – I find the idea that I would ever be able to not love you incredibly funny.”
Sirius glances up, looking hopeful. Once upon a time he would have been able to hide this, might be able to appear much more cool and collected, but this Sirius can’t do that anymore. This Sirius’ feelings are plastered all over his face.
Before, a lifetime ago, Sirius had kissed him, had snuck into his bed, naked as the day he was born. It had to have been Sirius then; Sirius was the only one who could. It certainly wasn’t going to be Remus. But Sirius can’t do that, now. Sirius has been broken, and now it is Remus’ turn.
“Moony –”
So he grabs Sirius, fingers almost completely encircling his arm, he is so thin. He is gentler than he wants to be; he wants to grab Sirius and yank him to him, grip him tightly, leave marks on his skin like the ones Sirius had left on Remus’ skin before he walked out of the house forever. Remus used to study those marks, used to sit in front of the mirror, staring at the proof that Sirius had truly been real, that he hadn’t made him up. When those marks faded Remus had lost all confidence, had lost any tangible evidence that Sirius had ever truly existed. He isn’t even really sure that Sirius is real now, and he wants to kiss him hard, leave bruises on his lip and marks on his skin, each mark proof, you exist, you exist, you exist.
But he can’t do that, now, because Sirius might break apart in his arms. So he just grabs his arm, gently, pulls him to him and kisses him, whispering, “Of course I love you, idiot.”
Like he could ever stop.
Sirius’ hands clutch at Remus’ collar, fingers gripping the fabric. This is what Remus knows – this man, thinner and more afraid and broken, but still Sirius. His hips are bonier than they used to be, his hair is longer, his beard is long and scratches against his skin, but there is still something undeniably Sirius about him, and if Remus knows anything, it’s Sirius Black.
“Remus –”
“You’re so dumb, you are such an idiot, Jesus Christ Sirius –”
“Moony –”
Remus presses kisses to Sirius’ jaw, his hand on the back of his head. He wants to keep him there, wants to hold him tightly to him, wants to ensure he never leaves again. Sirius drags his face back up, kisses him again. Remus’ hand is in Sirius’ hair, but when he tries to take it out he finds it completely stuck in the tangles. Sirius bursts out laughing.
“I’m a fucking mess.”
“You’ve always been a mess, Pads. Now you just look like one too.”
Sirius pushes his head against Remus’ shoulder. “I missed you.”
“I didn’t let myself miss you.”
“What about now?” Sirius’ eyes are bright, alive with something that hadn’t been there before they had kissed. Remus tries and fails to comb his fingers through Sirius’ hair.
“Now I don’t have to.”
“You won’t have to again.”
Remus shakes his head. “Don’t, Sirius. Please.” Sirius used to say things like this, used to whisper them into Remus’ ear, because he meant it but also because it always made Remus blush, a brilliant shade of red that Sirius just adored. He would whisper these things in class, declarations of love during Potions, the occasional sexual teasing, leaning over and detailing all that he wanted to do to him, laughing as Remus shifted uncomfortably. One day McGonagall asked if Sirius had something to say to the class. Remus had been mortified but Sirius had just smirked and said, “I don’t really think the class would find it all that interesting, actually.” McGonagall, clearly wanting to punish him for a crime that wasn’t completely worthy of detention, had told him to stay after class to make sure he had understood the lesson, but Sirius, who had always loved Transfiguration, didn’t seem to care much.
“C’mon Moony, what else can go wrong?”
“Do you know how many times in my life I’ve thought that exact thing?”
“The world owes us, Remus.”
“The world never pays back its debts.” He sounds much harsher than he intends. Sirius slumps. This has always been his role, and he has always despised it. The cruel reality check to Sirius’ idealisms. “It’s just…” he grabs Sirius’ hand. “We’re not exactly living the dream right now.”
“You’re making out with an escaped convict in a cave in front of a hippogriff. What more could you possibly want, Moonshine?”
“I can think of a few things,” he says drily.
Sirius leans his head against the wall, looking up at the cave ceiling with a smile on his face. “You’re a spoil sport.”
“Always have been.”
Sirius yawns. “M’tired.”
“Me too.”
“You can sleep too, you know. We can sleep together.”
Remus smirks. “Are you propositioning me?”
“Fuck off.” But he’s smiling. “I’m not having sex on this dirty floor.”
“I’m not having sex in front of a hippogriff.” Buckbeak, as if he had understood him, huffs indignantly, as if to say I don’t want you having sex in front of me, either.
Remus’ entire body is calling out for Sirius, but for now he just lies down, using the bag as a pillow as Sirius lies on his stomach.
“You’re a rotten pillow, Remus. Too thin.”
“One to goddamn talk.”
Sirius doesn’t say anything, just buries his nose into Remus, and Remus sleeps better on that cave floor than he has in 12 years.
---
He had been so happy in that cave.
---
“Hey Moony.”
“Hmm.”
“It’s the full moon soon.”
“Is it?”
They are lying together again. That is their pattern, now. Remus shows up and they sleep, Sirius using Remus as a pillow.
“Like you don’t know.”
“What about it?”
“I want to come.”
“Absolutely not.”
Sirius sits up. “Why the fuck not?”
“It’s not… It’s not like it used to be. It’s under control. Plus it’s dangerous.”
“You just said it’s under control.”
“And you’re an escaped convict.”
“So?”
“And… and I’m not doing it here.” Now he’s literally just shouting every excuse that comes to his mind.
“Then I’ll come to you.”
“Padfoot –”
“Twelve years by yourself, Remus. There’s no reason why it should be any more.”
“Sirius –”
“Look, Lupin.” Sirius is angry. “I didn’t study my ass off for three years and I didn’t suffer through fucking fleas on a regular basis only for you to tell me that you don’t need me anymore because of a fucking potion. Fuck that, Remus. Does it still hurt?”
Remus doesn’t answer.
“I fucking thought so. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t come.”
Again, Remus stays silent.
“Exactly.”
“It won’t be exciting anymore, Sirius! It’s just… it’s just me.”
Sirius is staring at him, and Remus can feel the anger coursing through his body. “Is that what you think this is?” Sirius’ voice is rising steadily. Buckbeak is looking around, alarmed. “Why we did this, why I did this, because it’s fucking fun? An exciting way to end boredom on a full fucking moon?”
“No, that’s not –”
Sirius grabs him by the shoulders, shoves him against the wall. “If you think it’s fun, seeing you like that, then –”
Remus kisses him. Sirius pushes his entire body against him; his kiss is rough, his fingers biting into Remus’ shoulders.
“I’m sorry.”
Sirius bites his lip.
Later Remus will sneak a large black dog into his house, and Padfoot will be at his side as the wolf takes his body. Padfoot curls up next to him and the wolf inside of him, usually so dormant, fights for control; it can smell Padfoot, after so long, and it wants to run. Stop it, Remus tells it.
In the morning when Remus wakes up he is naked, which is normal, but so is Sirius, which is not.
“You’re naked,” Remus mutters. Sirius stretches out beside him.
“Son of a bitch, I am.”
Remus laughs. “Sneaky bastard. This was your plan all along, wasn’t it?”
Sirius kisses him. “I’m offended, Moony.”
“That’s not an answer.” Sirius pushes against him. “That’s not an answer, either.”
“Are you in pain?”
“It depends on why you’re asking.”
Sirius grins at him and then bites his ear.
“I would prefer the bed, though,” Remus mutters as Sirius spreads out on top of him. “I’m too old for floors.”
“Old fart,” Sirius says.
They make it to the bed, but not until the second time.
---
He rewinds again.
---
“What are you doing?”
James, Sirius, and Peter all freeze. “Uh. Tutoring Peter,” says James.
“In what?”
“History of Magic.”
“Peter got a higher mark than you on the last assignment.”
“Well, yeah. Because we tutored him.”
“Why do you have to tutor him at four in the morning?”
“My, uh. My brain works better at night?”
Remus glares at Peter. Stalking over, he grabs one of the books out from under Peter, the only one with non-Quidditch reflexes. He stares at the cover, then snatches James’ wand out of his hands, holding the light up close to the book to ensure he’s seeing it correctly.
“What the fuck?”
“Extra credit,” Peter says, at the same time as James says, “Light reading.”
“This is light, is it?”
“Uh –”
“We’re becoming animagi.” Remus turns towards Sirius, who stares him straight in the face.
“Sirius!”
“What? He’s staring right at the fucking book, Potter.”
“Why.” It’s not a question, more like a growl, directed at Sirius, who seems to be the only one who will tell him the truth.
“For you.”
That’s what he was afraid of.
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“What’s the problem? Bites don’t affect animals. We can spend the full moons with you so you don’t have to take it out on yourself.”
He turns on James. “The problem is that this is one of the most dangerous things you could possibly do. How the fuck are you going to explain to the Ministry why three 15 year old boys are studying to become animagi?”
“We’re not going to.”
He looks at Sirius in amazement. “I will not have you undergo an incredibly dangerous procedure illegally for me. I would rather not have friends.”
“Remus –”
“That’s a little too bad for you, isn’t it?”
“I swear to God, Sirius Black, I am going to punch you in your smug little face.”
Sirius laughs. “I dare you, Lupin.”
Sirius is quick, and if he had have really expected Remus to do it he probably could have been able to evade the punch, but Sirius had never expected Remus to actually hit him. So the punch that collides with his nose surprises all three of them.
“Jesus Christ, Remus.” Sirius gets up, glaring at Remus as he touches his nose, checking for blood. “What the fu –”
Remus, still angry, lunges at Sirius again, knocking him backwards. James and Peter act quickly, James holding Remus back and Peter helping Sirius up and then holding him back as he tries to take a swing back at Remus. The two stand opposite each other, blooding dripping down Sirius’ face as they glare.
“This ends here. No more.”
“We’re almost done.” Sirius is almost snarling.
“Fuck this.” Remus wrenches out of James’ arms. “If you want to kill yourselves, be my fucking guests.”
“I think he took that well,” Peter says as Remus stomps upstairs. Sirius spits.
---
“I am very strongly against this.”
“You’ve mentioned.”
“Very strongly.”
“Remus!” Sirius snaps. “Do you mind?”
“Fine. Geez.”
“Okay, James. You go.”
“Why do I have to go first?”
“You’re the oldest.”
“You’re the oldest.”
“Oh. Okay, then, Pete should go, he’s the youngest.”
“I think we should do oldest first, personally.”
“I don’t want to go first.”
“If you three don’t hurry up, I’m going to go first, against my better wishes.”
“The full moon isn’t for three days.”
“Exactly.”
Sirius looks at him, in a way that makes him uncomfortable. “All right, fuck it, I’ll do it. Let’s go.”
Remus watches as Sirius get up and stands in the middle of the dormitory.
“Wait!”
Sirius looks in annoyance at Peter. “What?”
“Do you keep your clothes on?”
“What?”
“Like, when you turn back to human, will you be wearing clothes?”
“Yes?”
“How are you sure? I don’t think it ever mentioned it.”
“You just want to see me naked.”
Remus blushes.
“Idiots, remember in first year? McGonagall transformed in front of the class and I’m pretty sure I would remember if she had been naked.”
“Actually,” Remus says, “I’m pretty sure you would have blocked that out.”
“Can we not talk about naked McGonagall when I’m about to attempt a very dangerous transformation for the very first time?”
“You know, if you end up as a cat, you and McGonagall could have cat sex.” Remus and Peter burst out laughing while Sirius glares at James.
“All right, that’s it, that’s the end, it’s been ruined for me.” Sirius collapses on Remus’ bed and looks up at him. “Sorry, Remus, it’s been tainted by Minerva’s droopy tits.”
“That is an image I could have gone my whole life without thinking about.”
“What do you think you’ll even be, anyway?” Remus asks the boy whose head is resting against his leg.
“Probably something smelly.”
Sirius reaches up behind him, grabs one of Remus’ pillows, and flings it in the direction of James.
“Or something that can lick itself.”
Sirius goes to grab another pillow, this time for Peter, but then stops. “You know, that actually might not be that bad.” Then he looks at Remus and says, “If you could turn into an animal, what would it be?”
Remus looks at him, eyebrows raised. Sirius rolls his eyes. “I mean if you weren’t a werewolf, jackass. What would you willingly turn into?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. I spend too much of my life as an animal anyway, I’ve never thought about what other animal I could be.”
“But if you had to choose.”
Remus shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess I like dogs.”
“You’re so domestic.”
“Hey, could Remus be an animagus?”
Remus looks at Peter. “I don’t know, actually.”
“But if you could – would you still turn into a wolf even if you were in animal form?”
“I dunno.”
“All right, I’ve had enough of this bullshit. I’m doing it.” James springs up out of bed, standing in the middle of the room.
“Okay, wait, did we decide on the nudity front?”
“Would you shut the fuck up about nudity, Peter? Christ.”
Sirius sits up. Their beds are not large, and his side is pressed flush to Remus. James takes a deep breath.
“Here goes.”
“Hey James?”
“Yeah.”
“In case this goes terribly wrong, I love you, man.”
James gives Sirius the finger. Sirius blows him a kiss.
“Did I mention I’m against this?” Remus says again, quietly this time, just to Sirius, not wanting to interrupt James’ transformation.
“Once or twice,” Sirius whispers back.
Their eyes are focused on James, wand in hand. The transformations will get easier, they said, but at the beginning using your wand makes everything easier. And then, where James was, was suddenly a huge stag.
“Woah!”
“Shh!” Sirius hushes Peter, who shouted so loudly half the dormitory might have heard. Remus stares in awe as the stag shifts back to James Potter.
“Holy fuck.”
Sirius laughs in glee. “Okay, my turn.” He scrambles off the bed, using Remus’ knee to help him get up. Standing in the middle of the room, Sirius points his wand at his head and Remus watches as his body shifts, shrinks, until a huge, shaggy black dog is standing in the middle of the room.
James laughs loudly. Sirius the dog barks, chases his tail for a moment, then bounds up onto Remus’ bed, licking his face.
“Jesus Christ Sirius stop – you dumb dog!”
Sirius the dog shifts back into Sirius the boy, still half on top of Remus. “This is fantastic! Now I’ll always be there for your transformations!”
Remus is very, very aware of how close Sirius is to him right now. “Oi, this isn’t the Sirius Black show, let’s not forget the grand, majestic stag over here!”
Sirius spreads out next to Remus once again. “Yes, but it’s dogs Remus said he likes, wasn’t it.” Sirius winks at Remus, who is grateful for the low light so Sirius can’t see the blush that is spreading across his cheeks.
“All right, Pete, you’re up.”
Peter stands up shakily, making his way to the middle of the dormitory. His hand is shaking severely as he holds his wand to his head. The three of them watch as Peter’s already small frame shrinks, and shrinks, and shrinks, and then there is a rat where Peter used to be.
“Lame!” Sirius laughs. Peter changes back, sitting on the floor looking dejected.
“How come you two get to be cool animals and I have to be a rat?”
“What you become reflects who you are as a person. Guess you’re a pretty shitty person, Pete.”
Remus elbows Sirius in the ribs. “That’s actually really good, Pete. You’re small enough to be able to hit the knot at the base of the Willow.”
Peter, looking much happier, stands up and returns to his four-poster. “Is anyone else really tired?”
James yawns. “Yeah, that seriously wore me out. I’m going to bed.”
“I’m not going to thank you for something that I very strongly disagree with.”
“You’ve mentioned.” James yanks the curtains down; Peter does the same. Remus turns to Sirius.
“Are you going to bed, too?”
“Yep.” He crawls under Remus’ blankets. “G’night.”
“What are you doing?”
“C’mon, Remus, look what I just did for you!” Remus notes that once again, Sirius talks as if he’s the only one involved. “I’m tired, my bed is so far.”
“No it’s not –”
“Reeeemuuus.” Sirius uses that wheedling voice he knows always works on Remus.
“This bed is not big enough for two people.”
Sirius pretends to snore.
“Sirius!”
“Would you two shut the fuck up? A beautiful, majestic woodland creature is trying to sleep.”
Sirius rolls his eyes. “You know we’re going to be hearing about that for the next twenty years.”
“Sirius!”
“I’m going to hex the balls off of both of you very shortly.”
Sirius raises his eyebrows at Remus. “Your call, Lupin. How attached to your balls are you?”
Remus glares. “I am against this.”
“Like you were against us becoming animagi?”
Remus lies down, yanking the blankets away from Sirius the blanket hog. “You are ridiculous.”
“You love me.” Sirius buries deeper into the pillow, and Remus realizes another problem.
“Sirius, you threw my other pillow at James.”
Sirius grunts. “Sirius!”
“Shh, Remus, m’tired.”
Admitting defeat, Remus yanks half the pillow out from underneath Sirius. Sirius makes a happy noise and pulls the blanket up around him. Remus lies awake for almost two hours, acutely aware of Sirius’ body stretched out next to him and his nose in his hair.
---
The first time Sirius had ever slept in his bed. Remus’ heart aches.
---
“You could have slept in his bed,” James says, days later.
“What?”
“Sirius. You could have gone to his bed.”
“Oh. I… I didn’t think of that. I was tired.”
James gives him a long look. “You don’t have to hide, you know.”
“What?”
“I’m just saying. We didn’t care that you’re a werewolf. Why would we care if you’re gay?”
“I’m… I’m not…”
“It’s fine, Remus. You don’t have to say or do anything you don’t want to do. I’m just saying. You don’t have to worry about us.”
“I don’t…”
James slings an arm around his shoulders. “Don’t worry about him, either. And I promise I won’t tell.”
“Are you telling me I’m being obvious?”
James laughs. “Just a bit, mate.”
Remus pulls his eyes away from where Sirius is trying to teach Peter how not to fall off a broom. “You’re wrong.”
“What?”
“You’re wrong. It’s not him.” James looks at him in confusion. “It’s you. It’s always been you, James Potter.” Remus leans forward and James pushes his face away, laughing.
“Fuck off, Lupin!”
“Oh James.”
James laughs and bounds towards the other two. “Remus is trying to snog me.”
“What?” Sirius looks up. “The only one allowed to snog Remus is me! Do I have to fight you, Potter?”
“You couldn’t take me, Black.” James and Sirius start to wrestle as Remus stands by Peter.
“How come no one ever wants to kiss me?” Peter asks, sounding a little sad. Remus laughs. Sirius, hearing this, stands up and walks over, arms held open.
“All right, Pete, if you insist.”
Peter laughs, running away from Sirius. “Fucking poofs, the lot of you.”
Sirius winks at Remus. Remus turns to James, who also winks at Remus. Remus rolls his eyes at the both of them, but inside he is soaring.
---
The world didn’t deserve James Potter, he can’t help but think.
---
“We’re gonna come up with names.”
“For?”
“For us. So we can talk about our animagus forms in public without saying something obvious like ‘Hey so when Sirius turns into a smelly mutt tonight…’”
“They’ll probably just assume we’re still talking about human Sirius.”
“Aw Remus, not you too.”
Remus laughs. “Okay, so what are they?”
“Well they’re going to be based on our forms. We have one for you, already.”
“Okay, shoot.”
“Moony!”
Remus looks at all three of them in turn. “I am looking at three fifteen year olds who are advanced enough to accomplish something many full grown wizards can’t, and the best you could come up with for me is Moony.”
“I like it!” James says. “It’s sweet and simple.”
“It’s kind of obvious isn’t it?”
“Remus, you were literally named after a wolf. Like. If we’re talking about obviousness, here…”
“Fine, point taken. What about you guys?”
“We’re gonna call Pete Wormtail.”
“I hate Wormtail,” Peter pouts.
“Where did you get that from? He’s a rat, not a worm.”
“Because his tail looks like a worm.”
“I don’t want to be Wormtail.”
“Look, it’s either Wormtail or Ratty McBatty, which was Sirius’ idea.”
Peter sighs. “Fine. I guess that’s better.”
“But we’re stuck on us. You’re the word guy, Remus, help us out.”
“Word guy.”
“You’re always bloody reading! We did the animagus work, it’s time to pull your weight.”
“I kind of assumed my weight was turning into a giant monster every month.”
“C’mon, Moony, help us out.”
“I can’t believe the best you could come up with is Moony.”
“Okay Werewolf McMoon, let’s hear what you got.”
Remus smiles. “Fine, fair enough. I’ll help.”
Sirius slings his arm around Remus’ shoulder. James grins at Remus, who glares daggers at him.
“Okay, do James.”
“He has to buy me dinner first.”
James bursts out laughing, but Sirius is strangely silent.
“Okay. You’re a deer, right?”
“I’m a stag. It’s much manlier.”
Peter gasps. “James should be Bambi!”
“There’s no way in hell you’re calling me Bambi.”
“I actually quite like Bambi.”
James glares at Sirius. “Remus, help me, please.”
“Okay, well, what do deer have?”
“Stags.”
“I dunno. Hooves and shit? Horns?”
“James can be Horny.”
“I always am.”
Remus rolls his eyes. “James can’t be Horny.”
“Why not? I don’t have any performance issues.”
“How would you know?” James tries to punch Sirius, who hides behind Remus.
“Okay, well what about Sirius? Sirius can be Clifford.”
“Who’s Clifford?”
“Clifford was red. Hence Clifford the big red dog.”
“Who the fuck is Clifford?”
“It’s a Muggle book – can you stop crouching behind me, please. Look, it can’t be something that obvious. Think of Wormtail – it’s subtle, it can’t be figured out. Not like Moony.”
“I like Moony. It’s cute.”
Remus blushes. “Yes, because that’s what I’m aiming for.”
They’re all thinking, until Sirius starts talking quietly. “When I was eight I found a stray puppy and brought it home. I remember its feet were so tiny and cute, and I called it Padfoot, because of the tiny little pads on its feet. That could be my name.”
“I didn’t know you had a dog,” Peter says. Remus has a very bad feeling.
“I don’t,” Sirius says. “My mother had it drowned.”
“Christ,” James mutters. Remus wants to reach out and touch Sirius, but he just shakes his head and then he’s back to his regular old self.
“Anyway. Now we just need a name for James.”
Remus is suddenly not in the mood to think of anymore names, and James and Peter seem to be feeling the same. “Why don’t we sleep on it,” Remus says, and they nod.
---
One day, early in fifth year, Sirius comes to visit him in the hospital wing, very early in the morning.
“Remus. Hey Remus. You awake?”
Remus just grunts.
Sirius pulls a chair up to the bed. “Merlin, Remus. You look awful.”
“You always knew how to burst my ego.” His words come slowly; it hurts to speak.
Pomfrey comes up to the bed, holding a small tube. She stops when she sees Sirius. “Mr. Black –”
“Please, can I just stay for a bit? I’ll leave soon, promise.”
Pomfrey looks at him for a minute before sighing in defeat. “Fine. But if you’re going to stay here at least make yourself useful.” She hands him the tube. “Apply this to the fresh wounds. Gently.” This last word is stern. Sirius nods.
“We’re working really hard, Remus.” Sirius’ voice is very quiet as he gently rubs the salve into Remus’ cuts. “Every full moon just makes us work harder.”
“I’m too tired to argue.”
“Here, I’ll do it for you. ‘I very strongly disapprove,’ you say with a stern face and your eyebrows are all scrunched up and your nose is crinkly. ‘I don’t really care’ I say, looking devilishly handsome as always –”
He smiles slightly. “I think I understand.”
“We’re almost there, Remus. Are there any on your back?”
“I think so.” Sirius helps Remus sit up, perches behind him on the bed and gently rubs the balm into the wounds on Remus’ back.
“We’re so close. I won’t ever have to see you this bad again. I can protect you.” Remus has noticed that Sirius tends to speak like this, as if he is the only one involved in trying to help Remus.
“S’not your job.”
“Yes it is.” Sirius’ voice is hard, but his fingers are still gentle, ghosting across his back. “Of course it is.”
Remus doesn’t answer. The salve is cooling on his burning skin.
“I’m gonna take care of you.” Sirius speaks so quietly Remus can barely hear him; he wonders if that was the point. He isn’t used to this side of Sirius, gentle and caring and soft.
“Sirius –”
“Shut up. You’re too weak to argue, and I may or may not be taking advantage of that. Here, there’s one on your neck.” His hand gently tilts Remus’ head so it’s resting on his other palm. His thumb rubs circles on Remus’ cheek as his other hand gently smears the salve on his neck. When he’s done he helps Remus lie back down, then goes around to the opposite side of the bed to administer to Remus’ other side. “Does this stuff help?”
Remus nods. “It cools it down. Plus it stops it from scarring too badly.”
Sirius rubs the salve into Remus’ hand and then, when he’s done, grabs it, entwining his fingers with Remus’. “I’m gonna fix this.”
“This isn’t something you can just fix, Sirius.”
“I can sure as fuck try.”
“Sirius –”
“Shush.”
“No, listen – I know I’ve said this before, but please actually listen this time.”
“No promises.”
“Sirius.”
“Okay. Listening.”
“You don’t have to do this. I mean it. It’s dangerous. And – and how do you think I’ll feel, if something happens to my best friends because they were trying to do something for me? It’s hard enough being me, Sirius, I can’t handle being me and alone. Not again.”
“You’re not going to be alone, Remus. We’ve got this. We wouldn’t be doing this if we didn’t think we could handle it –”
“What about Peter? He’s not at the same level as you and James.”
“We’re taking care of it. Don’t worry.”
“Oh okay, the worrying is done.” He stares at Sirius. “I am afraid. I am afraid something is going to happen to you and James and Peter and it will be my fault.”
“It won’t be your fault, idiot. This is us. You can’t stop us. If something happens – which it won’t – there will have been nothing you could have done.”
“Sirius –”
“Mr. Black.” Pomfrey is back. “I think it’s time for you to leave, now.”
Sirius turns the Eyes on her, the ones he pulls whenever he wants something, but they don’t seem to work on Pomfrey. “Mr. Black. I’ve given you time when I really shouldn’t have. No more.”
“Okay, okay. I’m leaving.” Pomfrey doesn’t move. “I’m going!”
He turns to Remus. “Listen. It’s going to be fine. I’ll never leave you alone, okay? I promise.”
“Sirius –” He wants to tell him not to make promises he can’t keep, but Sirius smiles at him and squeezes his hand.
“I promise.” Sirius is looking at him in a way that is making his heart speed up. He chews on his lip. “Remus –”
“Mr. Black!”
“You’d better go.” Sirius lets go of his hand.
“I guess.” Sirius stands up, turns to go, and then turns back. Then he turns back, takes a step, and then turns back towards Remus.
“What are you –”
Sirius leans down and very quickly kisses Remus on the top of his head. “Feel better, Remus.” Then he walks as quickly as he possibly can out of the hospital wing. Remus doesn’t know what the fuck he’s supposed to make of that, so he just lies down and goes to sleep. It’s not the first time he’s dreamed of Sirius Black, but it’s the first time he dreams of them doing something other than kissing.
---
Remus is eating breakfast in the morning, stabbing at his eggs with a fork. When he goes to grab another forkful, he suddenly stops and holds his fork up, lining it up slightly above James’ head, who is sitting across from him.
“Uh, Moony? What are you doing?”
“You’re a deer.”
“Sta –”
“Yeah, stag, stag, whatever, but listen, you have horns –”
“I thought we agreed that Horny was a no go.”
“Jesus Christ, can I finish my sentence please? Look.” He holds up the fork. “Prongs. Like your horns.”
James cocks his head, then he starts to smile. “Prongs. I like that. Good work, Moony.”
---
Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs. How much easier his life would have been if that had been it.
---
“This map is going to be amazing, just you wait. Messrs Prongs, Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail.”
“Why do you get to be first?” Sirius asks.
“What do you mean?”
“The name order. Why do you get to be first?”
“Well I’m the oldest.”
“I’m the oldest.”
“We should do it youngest to oldest.” Peter’s suggestion.
“How about most attractive to least attractive?”
“And who is going to decide that?”
“Why don’t we do it by whoever’s names were decided first?” Remus’ idea.
“You just want to do that because you’re first.”
“Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. Sounds nice. I like it.”
“Why am I last?”
“Because you didn’t want to be Horny.”
“No, you didn’t want me to be Horny.”
“James, no one wants you to be Horny.”
“I like Remus’ suggestion.”
“That’s just because you’re second.”
“I should definitely be first.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m the reason we have these names. I’m the originator.”
“I call bullshit, we’re the ones who spent three years studying our asses off for this.”
“Yes but I was the poor child who was bitten by a werewolf at the tender age of five.”
“How come you only pull that poor werewolf shtick when you want something?”
“Five years old, Padfoot.”
Sirius rolls his eyes.
“I still think that’s the best option.”
“Why do I have to be last?”
“Would you shut up? We’re almost done this goddamn map, I’m not going to draw this out over the order of our fucking names.”
“Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. It sounds good.”
“Fine,” James sulks. Sirius claps him on the back.
“Great. Now let’s finish this bloody map.”
---
“I love you, d’you know that?”
Remus stops, a forkful of eggs halfway to his mouth. They are in the Great Hall; most of the school is at the Ravenclaw vs Slytherin Quidditch game, but Remus is still recovering from the full moon last night. James and Peter had gone, after being told multiple times that Remus wouldn’t be offended – “Sirius can take care of me,” he had said, to which James had made a grossed out face and said, “I don’t need to know about that.” So now they’re sitting in the mostly deserted Great Hall, where Sirius is making Remus eat, even though he has said numerous times that he wasn’t hungry. “I’m pretty sure I ate a rabbit last night, or something,” he had said, but Sirius remained stubborn.
“What?”
“I love you.” They are seventeen and scared; there’s a war raging on outside the walls and there are news of dead friends every day. James’ parents had died a few months ago, and neither he nor Sirius have really quite recovered yet. “I just thought you should know.”
Remus stares, eggs still floating before his face. “Really?”
Sirius plucks the fork out of Remus’ hands and eats the eggs, smiling. “Yeah.”
Remus just keeps staring. Sirius’ smile starts to fade. “Do you… I mean, you don’t have to, obviously, I don’t want to rush you or anything, you don’t have to, you know…”
“What?”
Sirius’ eyes drop and he starts pushing around the potatoes on his plate.
“Sirius – idiot, of course I love you.”
Sirius looks up at him. “Really?”
“For fuck’s sake, of course I do.”
Sirius grins, and it’s easily the most beautiful thing Remus has ever seen. “Want to go upstairs?”
“Aren’t you sore from yesterday?”
Remus shrugs. “It’s not really that bad.”
Sirius grabs his hand and gets up, dragging him back to the dormitory.
---
“Mom, I have to go to James’.”
“What?”
Remus has run down the stairs in a frenzy, a letter in his hands.
“I have to go the Potter’s.”
“Why, honey?”
“Sirius ran away.”
His mother nods and he runs upstairs to write to James.
When James opens the door he pulls Remus into a hug. “He won’t leave my room.”
Remus knocks on the door to James’ bedroom but goes in anyway.
“James, I don’t –” Sirius looks up and freezes when he sees him. “Remus.”
“Hey, Pads.”
“What are you doing here?”
Remus shrugs. “Wanted to see you.”
“I’m fine.”
“James tells me a very different story.”
“Remus –”
“Look – we don’t have to talk, not if you don’t want to. But I’m not leaving you alone.” He walks over and flops onto the bed next to Sirius. They lie in silence for a few minutes.
“I couldn’t be there anymore,” Sirius finally says, very quietly. Remus, heart beating a million beats per second, rests his hand on top of Sirius’. He doesn’t say anything, and eventually, after almost an hour, Sirius starts to speak, starts to explain what happened, and Remus listens, hand on top of his the whole time.
---
They had tried so hard to protect each other. Such a shame that they had failed.
---
“I love you,” Sirius murmurs into his neck.
Remus laughs. “You’ve mentioned.”
“But like, I really love you.”
Remus rolls over and kisses him. “I know, Pads.”
They are kissing when someone else crawls into the bed with them, arm circling around Remus. “I love you,” he hears James whisper in his ear. Peter manages to squeeze in somewhere above them, and Remus feels fingers running through his hair. “I love you the most, Moony,” he practically purrs. Remus bursts out laughing, but Sirius reaches over and shoves James off the bed. James grabs Peter’s arm as he falls and pulls him down with him.
“Fucking assholes,” he says, but he’s grinning widely. “Get your own werewolf.” He shuts the curtains, James and Peter still on the floor, and rests on top of Remus.
“Can I ask you question?” Remus asks, in between kisses.
“‘Course.”
“Do you love me?”
Sirius laughs. “Have I not mentioned?” His hand sneaks up Remus’ shirt, grinding his hips against Remus’.
“Oh Moony.”
“Sirius, Sirius, harder, Sirius, please.”
“Would you two fuck off?”
Remus is laughing. “I think the mood’s been ruined.”
“Cockblocking asses. I’m going to go tell Evans about that sex dream you had about Frank Longbottom. You know the one, with the assless pants?” Sirius clambers off of Remus and makes a break for the door.
“Don’t you fucking dare! Sirius!” James runs after Sirius. “Lily! Lily, don’t listen to anything he says! Lily!”
Remus looks down at Peter, still on the floor. Peter grins. “Oh Remus –”
Remus throws a pillow at him.
---
“How could you?”
“Moony I’m sorry –”
“Did you even think about me at all?”
“I think about you almost every second of every day –”
“Save your romantic bullshit, Sirius, I don’t want to hear it.”
“Remus please.” There are tears rolling down his face. Remus doesn’t think he’s ever seen Sirius cry before. “Please, Remus, I was stupid and I regret it so fucking much, it was a dumb prank and I didn’t think it through –”
“I could have killed a man because of you. That’s not exactly my definition of a fucking prank.”
“Moony –”
“Stop. I don’t care. You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself, Sirius, and I was fucking stupid to ever think you would put me first to your fucking narcissism and your stupid goddamn grudge against Snape.”
“Remus –”
“Get out of my face, Sirius.”
“Moony please –”
Remus walks out of the dormitory, trying to ignore the sound of Sirius crying and trying not to cry himself.
A few days later, when Sirius looks at him and James sitting together by the fire before walking right past them up to the room – he doesn’t even try, anymore – Remus turns to James.
“You don’t have to ignore him for me, you know.”
“I’m not.”
“Thank you. For what you did.”
James smiles sadly at him. “Are you ever going to talk to him again?”
Remus wants, really badly, to say no. He wants to stand his ground, wants to have the strength to say he will never forgive Sirius Black, but he knows there’s no way that’s going to happen. “Probably. Are you?”
James looks to where Sirius disappeared. “Yeah. He is my best friend.”
“And he is my boyfriend.”
“Did you not break up?”
Remus can’t help but smile a little bit. “I don’t think it was ever explicitly said, to be honest.”
Remus is able to hold out for almost a month, but as each day passes his anger slowly ebbs and he finds himself, eventually, missing Sirius more than hating him, until one day he asks James and Peter to leave them alone for a while. James and Peter make their excuses and Remus stands outside Sirius’ closed curtains for two minutes before working up the courage to open them.
“Can I talk to you?”
Sirius scrambles up to a sitting position. “Yeah. Yeah. Course. Yeah.”
Remus sits down at the edge of the bed. He still doesn’t know what he wants to say; he has been trying to imagine how this conversation would go down for almost a month, and he still has no idea what he wants to say. So he settles on the truth. “I miss you.”
“Remus –”
Remus holds up his hand. “Don’t. You’ve said all that can be said. You’ve apologized. There’s nothing else to say. Let’s stop beating the dead horse.”
Sirius nods. His hands are in his lap and he can’t seem to make eye contact with Remus.
“Sirius.” Sirius raises his eyes to meet Remus’. His are full of tears again. “Crybaby,” Remus says, smiling slightly.
“Moony,” Sirius starts, but Remus doesn’t let him say whatever he was going to say. Instead he just leans forwards, grabs Sirius by the hair and pulls him to him, and Sirius grips him as if he will float away if he ever lets go of Remus. Remus, completely done with not talking to Sirius and completely unwilling to go slow into anything again, pulls Sirius’ shirt off and throws it away, pushing him down and kissing down his neck, his shoulders, his stomach, until he gets to the belt of his pants, which he quickly disposes of. “Moony,” Sirius starts again, but this time there’s nothing else, no sentence to follow, just a breathy moan as Remus scrapes his teeth down Sirius’ inner thigh. Sirius flips him over and undresses him, quick and fast because they both want nothing more to be naked, and Sirius’ hand has just travelled to below his waist line when James and Peter walk in.
“Remus? You done – JESUS CHRIST.”
“What?” Peter is behind James and hasn’t yet caught sight of the scene. “What?”
“Don’t look Pete, hide your poor virgin eyes.”
“I’m not a virgi – WHAT THE FUCK?”
“Do you two mind, we are trying to have make up sex.” Remus can’t help but laugh at the look of utter horror on the faces of the other two boys.
“This isn’t real, I’m dreaming, I’m definitely dreaming –”
“Do you normally dream of your friends fucking, Wormtail?”
Peter lets out a strangled sound and rushes from the room, James following quickly.
“Should we go after them?”
Instead of answering, Sirius grabs him and pulls at his lip with his teeth.
“An excellent point,” he mutters.
---
He always comes back to Sirius.
---
“Will you move in with me?” Sirius has this bad habit of asking Remus life-changing questions such as these when Remus is seconds away from orgasm and is incapable of doing anything except agreeing to anything and everything Sirius says to him.
“Yeah,” he manages to gasp out. He can’t even think with Sirius’ mouth around him. Later he will argue, and Sirius will get mad, everything that is mine also belongs to you, Moony, when are you going to understand that, and Remus will feel bad, give in, change his mind, I can’t afford it, Sirius, and Sirius will kiss him roughly, shut the fuck up, you stupid wolf.
He does move in with Sirius, after Hogwarts. The flat is decent, not big, but not small, either. And Remus will go to sleep next to Sirius every night and later, when he is alone in bed, he will close his eyes and think about those days, trying and failing not to miss a murderer.
---
The memories start getting shorter, start getting cut off. He wonders if this means he’s coming back to life, or just hurtling faster towards oblivion.
---
“Did you just make a face?”
“What?”
“When we kissed. You made a face.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Moony.”
Remus sighed. “It’s just… I don’t like… how you taste. After you’ve smoked.”
Sirius stops smoking immediately.
---
The morning after Sirius sneaks into his bed Remus wakes up with Sirius’ limbs draped over him and gentle snoring in his ear. He nudges him.
“Sirius. Sirius.”
“Mmm.”
“Wake up.”
“No.”
“Padfoot, I’m serious.”
Sirius opens his eyes and blinks lazily up at Remus. “Morning Moony.”
Remus’ heart flutters in his chest. “Hi.”
Sirius reaches up and runs his fingers through Remus’ hair. “Hi.”
Remus grins. Sirius pulls him down and kisses him. Remus wonders if he will ever get used to Sirius Black’s lips on his.
“Shh, you have to sneak back to your bed before Prongs and Wormtail wake up.”
“But then I would have to leave the comfort of your bed and wonderfully naked body, Moony.”
“As heartbreaking as that must be, it will be a lot easier than explaining to James and Peter –”
“Explaining to James and Peter what?”
Remus drops his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “This is exactly what I wanted to avoid,” he mutters.
“Who started this?”
“What?”
“You or Padfoot. Who instigated this?”
“Sirius did.”
James whoops and pumps his fist. Peter sulks. “Goddamn, Moony,” he says. “I don’t have five galleons.”
Sirius laughs but Remus just stares. “What?”
“I’m assuming they had a bet. You knew how he felt too?”
James nods. “You were both obnoxiously obvious. Pete bet Remus would break first and snog you, but I put my money on you.”
Sirius holds his hand up for a high five.
“Can we… can we not have this conversation when I’m naked?”
“Personally I plan on having as many conversations as possible with you naked, Moony,” Sirius winks. Remus blushes.
“It’s about time, really.”
“Can you two maybe leave?”
James sniffs. “It appears we’re not wanted, Wormy.”
“We’ve been shunted. On the outside looking in.”
Remus rolls his eyes as they leave the room. Then he flops down beside Sirius.
“Well.”
Sirius grins. “Well.”
They don’t get out of bed for an hour, at least.
---
“Why did you leave?”
Sirius is very still. “I had to.”
“That I can understand.” Sirius hadn’t trusted him, and he hadn’t trusted Sirius. That was what war did. “Why did you leave the way you did?” With the best goodbye and no goodbye at all.
“Because despite everything I still loved you.” He says this very matter of factly. It isn’t any declaration of love; if anything it sounds as if Sirius is reciting from a text book. “I hated you but I loved you.”
They have never been simple.
---
“Moony.”
“Hmm.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too, idiot.”
---
“Hey Moony.”
“Hmm.”
“I missed you.”
Remus burrows into the space between Sirius’ neck and collarbone. “I missed you, Pads. More than you can know.”
---
His whole body hurts.
---
“Moony. Moony.”
“Hmm.”
“Wake up, Moony.”
Remus opens his eyes. He is in the tiny flat he shared with Sirius after Hogwarts, but the Sirius hovering above him is a different Sirius. It is the older Sirius, the post-Azkaban Sirius, and that Sirius doesn’t belong in this flat. He wonders if he’s hallucinating.
“Where are we?”
Sirius looks around. “Our flat. Aww, Moony.”
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“Ouch.”
“No, I mean.” He’s very disoriented. “You’re all…” He gestures at Sirius’ face.
“Beautiful? Charming? Devilishly handsome?”
“Old.”
“Wow, you’re on fire tonight, Remus.”
“Sirius – Sirius, this is… we were nineteen in this flat, what is happening –”
Sirius grabs his hand, presses his lips to each of his fingers. “You’re kind of… dead, Moony.”
He isn’t even surprised. “I kind of figured.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. But then – why am I here?”
“You end up wherever you were… I don’t really know. Happiest, maybe.”
“Where were you?”
“Dormitory at Hogwarts. I was in your bed, though, if it makes you feel better.”
Remus sits up. The flat looks exactly the same as it did when he lived there. “What’s happening?”
“A lot, Moony. There’s a lot to explain. But first –” Sirius leans forwards, then, and kisses him, deeply, his hands holding Remus’ face. Remus melts into him, grips him as tight as humanly possible.
“Moony –” Sirius tries to pull away but Remus pulls him back. “Moony –” Remus keeps kissing him. Sirius manages to disentangle himself from Remus, laughing. “Relax, Remus. We have time for this.”
“You always said that –”
“Remus.” Sirius looks at him. He looks younger, even though he is the same age as when he died; he looks happy, Remus realizes, the lines in his face less defined, his eyes bright with life, even though he is, technically, dead. Remus reaches up, touches his face, afraid he isn’t real. Afraid this is just a hallucination.
“Moony. We have all the time in the world, now.”