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She helps Mia out of the pool, their clothes, heavy with water, weighing them both down. It’s eerily quiet now that Guy is lying dead in the water behind them, the sounds of struggle and cursing gone from the air. Mia is drenched, her dark hair plastered to her forehead, eyes as big as saucers, and when Nicole turns to her, ready to say something-- anything-- the lights snap on.
It’s the lady detective, whatever her name is, and she’s coming out of the shadows with this unreadable expression on her face. Then she’s socking Mia in the jaw, hard, and Mia’s bleeding and, well, killing one more person won’t weigh too heavily on Nicole’s conscience, will it? But then she says ‘this way it’ll be easier to claim self defense’ and she seems to be letting them off, which is definitely not something detectives are supposed to do, but Nicole’s not going to say anything.
Once the detective is gone it’s just the two of them again. Mia with her bloody mouth and her wet nightgown, looking at her with the most painful eyes she’s ever seen, and Nicole in her stupid cocktail dress and waterproof lipstick. The traitor.
“Oh Mia…” Is what comes out of her mouth. She can’t seem to think of anything good enough. She doesn’t know how to fix this, how to explain everything, how to gain any semblance of trust back from the woman staring at her.
“I’m sorry.” Is the next thing she says. It’s an understatement, doesn’t even begin to cover the regret she’s feeling right now, but it’s also far from enough to truly apologize.
Mia just stares at her, and Nicole can feel her stomach slowly sinking into the floor. This is worse than anything she’s ever done before. She’s fucked Mia over before, made shitty decisions and been an even shittier friend, but Mia is an ex-nun, and being forgiving is what she was raised to do. Not now. This is too far. Nicole can tell.
“Goodbye.”
Nicole can feel the bile rise in her throat immediately. She folds in on herself instinctively, as though being attacked, trying to protect her vital organs from being ripped out of her chest. Mia is walking away, back inside, and she doesn’t want to be followed-- clearly, or she wouldn’t have told you she never wants to see you again in the most polite way possible-- and the detective is circling the pool, smoking a cig and staring at the body of Guy, bobbing up and down. Nicole is doubled over, as if she’s just been punched. She might throw up on the concrete.
She sits in the garden for what feels like hours, her still-damp dress now dirty and stained with mud. It was at least two hundred dollars, she remembered buying it with the hopes Guy would like it. But he hadn’t said anything when she showed up in it-- of course-- because that’s not how Guy was or ever would be. She was an idiot to ever think so. Now she wants to tear it to shreds, but she doesn’t have the energy. Sitting in the mud will have to suffice.
The detective comes over exactly once to suggest she call the paramedics and talk to Mia, but she doesn’t return again after Nicole practically bites her head off. The way she’s looking at her is infuriating. There’s pity in her eyes that make Nicole want to pull them out of her head, and softness in her voice that makes her want to cover her ears until she shuts up. Nicole should be the one pitying her, not the other way around. Nicole has both breasts and knows what good sex feels like. She’s not pity-inducing.
She does end up calling the paramedics, probably an hour after Mia goes up to her room. They say it’ll take them at least another hour to get out there, something about road work and bad driving conditions that Nicole couldn’t care less about. She wants this to be over with. All of it. She wants to go back to the days when she and Mia would stand together by the soccer fields, watching over the boys at recess. Or when they sat together in Nicole’s classroom at night to grade. Even when they all sat together at dinner. All of it. Even the shittiest parts.
Eventually she drags herself into a standing position. She’s shivering despite the fact that it’s June, the air a brisk sixty degrees and the breeze not helping her wet clothes keep her warm. She needs to go inside. The boys are all away for summer break, and the other teachers are definitely still asleep, and there’s nothing stopping her from walking through those doors. Except the light on in Mia’s bedroom. Is Nicole even allowed in anymore? Does she need to start looking for new jobs? Is she supposed to leave right now? She doesn’t have answers to any of her questions.
After five more minutes of waiting for the light to turn off she opens the doors, closing them as quietly as possible as if Mia will appear and banish her if she notices she’s in the building. Her bedroom upstairs is right down the hall from Mia’s, and she has to slip past her door on the way. She’s already dreading it and she’s not even on the staircase yet. She thinks of all the nights she had raced down the hallway, and how impossibly long it had seemed as she was trying to get to Mia’s room, never knowing what would greet her when she opened the door. Mia only called her when things got really bad, and Guy only called her when he thought she might be dead.
‘Is she dead?’
‘I don’t know, I didn’t check.’
What a fucking asshole. Maybe she should check now, just to be sure. Mia had already had one big scare tonight, then she’d nearly drowned, neither of which could be good for her heart. What if she was passed out, and that’s why the lights were still on?
She should check. She’s gonna check. It’s not for her sake, it’s for Mia’s. She probably hasn’t even taken her meds.
That long hallway passes in the blink of an eye and before she can talk herself out of it, Nicole’s hand is on the doorknob to Mia’s room, poised to start turning it. She should ask first. Nicole never asked to come in, and Mia probably hated that, or at least did right now. She should show her she respected her boundaries. Or that she was trying to, at least.
“Mia?” Two quick knocks, not too loud.
There’s no response.
Nicole waits a moment, picking at a loose string on her sleeve, tapping her foot as well. Patience has never been one of her strong suits.
Two more knocks. “Mia? Are you alright? Did you take your medicine?”
More silence. Nicole is getting worried.
Then a noise, some shuffling, and the door is open a crack.
“Why are you here?” Mia says with the most malice Nicole has ever heard in her voice.
I don’t know.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. Did you take your medicine?”
“You wanted to know if I’m okay? After plotting to kill me?”
Nicole doesn’t really know what to say, so she just shrugs. She’s a bit taken aback when a smile breaks onto Mia’s face, but she walks through the door when Mia ushers her in. Maybe she’s about to kill her. She’d deserve it honestly.
“No I didn’t.”
Nicole looks at her, confused.
“Didn’t what?”
“Take my meds. I always forget, and you know that, and that makes me hate you even more.” Mia’s voice gets quiet by the end of her sentence. “Go get them.”
Nicole isn’t used to taking orders from people, much less Mia.
Honey, if I couldn’t get a man to leave her, I’d kill myself, not him.
Is this another test? Yes, she’s willing to listen. Yes, she’s willing to knock at the door. Wait, even. She walks to the bathroom and opens the cabinet, easily recognizing the bottle of heart medication. She pulls out two pills, cradles them in her hand, and fills a cup of water from the sink.
Mia doesn’t thank her as she takes the pills and the water.
“I called the paramedics, they should be here in an hour or so.” Nicole says, suddenly uncomfortable in the silence. She’s always been the aggressive one, the one who called the shots and held Mia’s hand as she tugged her along. Now Mia is making the decisions and she has no idea what to expect.
“Good. Thank you.”
“You’re not going to try to take the fall are you? It was self defense.”
Mia turns to look at her, settling into one of the chairs.
“No. I’m not going to jail for what happened.”
Nicole sighs in relief. Maybe a little bit of whatever savior complex Mia has from the convent is finally being etched away.
“Besides, it’s not difficult to prove that he was attacking us.”
Us.
That’s comforting. It doesn’t seem like Mia is going to throw her under the bus either.
Mia gestures towards Nicole’s face, and then moves her own hair back behind her ears, revealing the darkening purple handprints that wrap around the widest part of her throat. It’s gruesome. Nicole swallows hard and fights the urge to turn away.
“You don’t look much better.”
Nicole turns to look at the mirror above the dresser, greeted with nice twin bruises on both her cheeks in the shape of Guy’s fingers. She lifts her dress a little, spotting the bottom of the darker mark on her stomach. It’s hard to take her eyes off of her skin, the evidence of what had happened tonight, proof that it wasn’t all just a horrible dream. Guy had given her a bruise or two before (never as bad as Mia got it), maybe even ones that hurt worse than these, but it hadn’t fazed her before. They were annoying to cover up, and she didn’t like that Guy did it, but she dealt with it. These startle her. They look like they’ve been attacked.
A tap on her shoulder makes her jump. Mia is pressing something into her hands, fresh clothes, she discovers after a moment of confusion. It’s a cream colored button up. A woman’s button up. Thankfully. At least Mia doesn't hate her enough to give her one of Guy's shirts instead of her own.
“You’re covered in mud.” Mia says simply, and there’s a bite under there that makes Nicole want to raise an eyebrow. Guy has been dead barely two hours and already Mia is slipping ever so slightly out of the submissive role she’s always occupied. It might also be because she’s fucking pissed at you. Nicole reminds herself.
Nicole takes the shirt, careful not to let it touch the mud all over her.
“You should take a bath.” Mia doesn’t wait for a response before she’s walking to the bathroom and turning on the tap.
Nicole cannot for the life of her figure out where Mia’s head is at, whether this is all some kind of retribution for what Nicole has done to her, or if it’s a trap, or if she’s just being nice. The latter is extremely unlikely. Mia was a nun, not a saint. It takes everything in Nicole not to snap at her, ask her what the hell is going on, if she wants Nicole to disappear off the face of the Earth or if she’ll stand to have her around for a while longer. She has a feeling that if she did snap, Mia would demand she leave and pack her bags, and that’s the last thing Nicole wants.
So she makes her way to the bathroom, where Mia is testing the water with her hand.
“Get in. The water isn’t too hot.” Mia steps back and sits on the toilet seat.
“What?”
Mia gestures to the tub.
“It’ll get cold if you wait too long. And the paramedics are coming.”
“Are you just going to sit there and watch me the whole time?” She does snap this time, and immediately feels bad about it. A rock settles in her stomach, like the pit of a peach, awkward and painful. She’s hyper aware of the fact that Mia could send her away and she’d have to leave. She couldn’t force Mia to let her stay.
The silence that follows is uncomfortably long. Where the hell did all this willpower come from, Mia? She wants to scream.
“Do you trust me?” Mia replies, not moving.
Nicole lifts up the edge of her dress.
She’s never been this exposed around anyone. Guy doesn't look at her when they fuck. Well, he does, did, but never anywhere but her tits or occasionally her lips. Plus, they had sex in the dark, always. The lights of the bathroom are blinding in comparison. So no, she's never been this exposed in front of anyone, and she's certainly never been this exposed in front of Mia. Before last weekend Mia had never even seen her without makeup on. She takes a deep breath. This would be an appropriate place to die, she thinks, stepping into the tub.
Mia doesn’t move when Nicole sits facing away from her, doesn’t say anything either, as Nicole sinks lower into the water, getting used to its warmth. Most of the mud was on her clothes, but little flecks of it are already settling near the drain, falling off her shins and forearms with little effort.
It’s only when Nicole looks around for the shampoo that Mia moves, coming to sit on the far edge of the tub, facing her now. The shampoo doesn’t seem anywhere to be found. Nicole isn’t sure who is supposed to speak first.
“Your lips look different without lipstick.” “Do you have shampoo?” They say at the same time.
"I know. I line them." Nicole explains. Mia reaches up to a shelf above her head and grabs a bottle. Nicole reaches her hand out to take it, but instead Mia pours it into her own hand, starting to lather it up.
All Nicole can do is watch as Mia grows nearer, her hands covered in white foam now, poised to… wash her hair? It’s so confusing and unexpected that Nicole freezes when the hands touch her scalp. She almost wants to cry.
“Mia…” Tell me what’s happening. Please. What do you need from me? What do you want me to do?
She looks up at Mia, trying not to close herself off. Her limits are being stretched to their breaking point. Her hands are itching to grab onto something, as if she could hold the air and make it do what she wanted.
“I’m not just your baby to take care of. I can take care of myself. I am not a child.” Mia's voice is level, but the sentiment is piercing. “Sit back and let me wash your hair Nicole.”
The air is suffocatingly heavy, but Nicole leans into Mia’s hands. After a few minutes it’s almost relaxing.
“Tell me what you’re going to do to clean up this mess.” Mia says softly, helping Nicole rinse the soap out of her hair. It’s nice to know that not everything has changed, no switch has flipped their entire dynamic on its head.
“Once the paramedics get here--” She winces as Mia accidentally grazes her cheek.
“Sorry.”
“Once the paramedics get here I’ll tell them what happened: Guy was attacking you in a fit of rage-- the other teachers will back up the fact that he had a temper-- and I came out to try and get him off you. That’s when I got these,” Nicole gestures to her cheeks, “he dragged me into the pool and you got in to help me. He drowned because of his head injury. Couldn’t keep swimming. Not that far from the truth.”
“Will they believe it?”
“Probably. If not, I’ll deal with it.”
“What else are you going to do?” Mia hands her a bar of soap and a wash rag, settling back at the other end of the tub now that the conditioner is resting in Nicole’s hair. At least she’s not going to wash her.
“Do you want me to leave?” Nicole says, adding “after it’s settled,” once she thinks better of it.
“I don’t know. Were you really going to kill me?”
Nicole tries to focus on washing her legs, wishing they weren’t having this conversation while she’s naked in the bathtub.
“In the beginning… I thought so. But I tried to call him so many times to call it off. I realized I didn’t want to.”
“Why did you do it in the first place?”
Nicole searches for the answer. More soap on her elbow. There’s still dirt stuck there. Scrub harder.
“Nicole?”
“I don’t know.” It’s the most honest answer she can come up with. “I thought I wanted him-- Guy. I thought we could go away together or something, that it would work out. But now… I’m not sure that’s what I ever really wanted.”
“He would’ve never stopped sleeping around. Or hitting you.” Mia says. Her voice never rises above a plain speaking volume, and it makes everything she says hurt even worse.
“I know that.” Nicole spits. She sighs. “I think I always did.”
Mia lets her go back to washing herself, offering the courtesy of not staring continuously. The bathwater is starting to get cold again, even though they’ve already partially drained and refilled it already, so Nicole is quick about getting the rest of the dirt off of her body. She can’t remember the last time she took a bath, and definitely hasn’t had someone wash her hair since she was a child and her mother did it.
“Alright. I’m done. Do you want to rinse my hair?” It sounds wrong, and even more confusing to say out loud. She’s still not fully sure why they’re doing this, but Mia nods and shifts back to her position next to Nicole’s head.
It’s silent again until Nicole is being handed a towel to dry off with. Mia is sitting in the corner again, watching her quietly. It’s a strange sensation. She’s not being leered at, or surveyed, or judged, Mia is just looking at her. It’s hardly even sexual.
“Why did you come back? Were you planning to the whole time so you could meet back up with Guy?”
Nicole turns sharply at that.
“No!” She holds the towel tightly and takes a step forward. “I came back because I found the money in my purse.” She backs up, dropping the towel and pulling on the clothes laid out for her. She's not even embarrassed at this point. The jeans Mia has given her stick to her legs, and she hates jeans to begin with, but she doesn't say anything.
Her dress and jacket sit in a pile in the corner, her purse hanging on the hook on the back of the door. Mia is still sitting on the toilet seat, waiting for an explanation. Nicole pulls open her purse and grabs the ziploc bag of cash. “I remembered what you said.” She thrusts the bag at Mia. “Keep it.”
Mia takes one of the bags.
“And it’s the same. With me-- what you said. If you meant it.”
“I did.”
Nicole doesn't know what to say to that. Maybe she hadn't been expecting it.
Then she’s in Mia’s personal space all of the sudden, her body moving without her permission. One second she was a respectable distance, now they’re almost nose to nose. She’s reminded of the night they killed Guy the first time, lying in Nicole’s bed beforehand, convincing Mia to go through with the plan. How she took Mia’s hand and brought it to her lips, knowing she was being cruel and doing it anyway.
You don’t feel anything when he does this?
He doesn’t do that to me.
Mia had been lying, objectively at least. Nicole knew they still slept together until the end. She knew what Mia’s perfume smelled like on him, the smell of her shampoo, everything about her. That was one thing about having Guy always come to her second. She was practically fucking them both. But maybe a part of her knew Mia was being truthful. Guy wasn’t kind, or gentle. Even at her worst, Nicole wasn’t as cruel as he could be.
He doesn’t do that to me.
Somehow, they were kissing. The bag of money was on the floor, and her hand was on Mia’s waist, and they were kissing. She wasn’t teasing her now, being a bitch just because she could. Even more insane than her kissing Mia, was the fact that Mia was kissing her back. Mia was catholic, and last time she checked the pope wasn’t exactly pro-lesbian tendencies. And yet, they were still kissing.
Guy was a complete idiot. She knew that already, but it hit her all over again when she realized he’d been cheating on Mia. Now she knew what it was like to have her lips on you, her hands in your hair, and clearly something was wrong with his brain because only an insane person would fuck someone else with Mia in their bed. Nicole opened her mouth, likely going too fast and too far for someone who had just betrayed the person she was kissing, but Mia wasn’t stopping her and she had very little self control left saved up anymore after the past week, and anway, there was still a very real possibility Mia would send her away in the near future. So she deepens the kiss and lets herself go as far as Mia will let her, uncurling herself, exposing her soft underbelly, fully defenseless should Mia decide to stab her right then. Mia tastes slightly of blood, and a bit like the wine she drank with dinner, but mostly she just tastes like herself. It’s much better this way than tasting her on Guy’s lips.
The sound of an approaching siren breaks them apart.
“The paramedics.”
Nicole nods, running a hand through her still-wet hair and bending down to pick up the bag of money from the floor. Mia’s lips are slightly swollen, and Nicole suddenly worries she’s hurt her already injured mouth even more.
“I’m fine.” Mia says, lightly touching her lip. It’s bleeding again.
“Take them both.” Nicole waves the bag she’s just picked up a little as if to remind her she only has half of the cash.
“I haven’t decided if I want you to stay. So we’ll split it.”
Oh.
Nicole lets her hand fall back to her side, the bag suddenly feeling twenty pounds heavier.
“Alright.”
The sirens are even louder now, and the flashing lights from the ambulance light up the room.
“They’ll probably want to see you.” Nicole says, turning towards the door.
Mia nods.
“I know.”
Nicole takes her hand just like she’s done hundreds of times before, and Mia steps in stride with her as they walk towards the noise of the paramedics. The familiar tug of her hand is still there, the same as ever, but with Mia right next to her, Nicole isn't dragging her anywhere. When they’re outside and staring at half a dozen men pulling Guy’s body out of the pool, she tightens her grip on Nicole, looping one finger through the belt loop of the jeans she knew she'd hate, and tries to think about what it would be like if they had never met. She’s not sure her life would be any better. Not sure she'd want it to be.